lifestyle

The unwritten rules of life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By BERN MORLEY.

So, waiting in line the other day at the self service checkout with my 3L milk and discounted loaf of bread, I craned my neck from the seven-person deep line to see what in the heck was taking so long.

That’s when I spotted her.

The lady who had gone too far with the self-servicing.

No, wait: she wasn’t doing anything untoward. She was simply scanning, oh, a WHOLE trolley full and bagging them around her feet. But then I thought, wait, it doesn’t actually say anywhere that she can’t do that. It doesn’t say ‘Express’. It doesn’t say ’15 items or less’.

There are no written rules.

There are many unwritten rules in life. Ones we should know, either by instinct or ones that we will only know by being told.

I present you with the top 8 unwritten rules in life…

1. Don’t write passive aggressive, vague status updates on Facebook.

‘Tomorrow will be SO much better than today, you can’t break me!’  Or ‘Some people should really think before they speak!’ Who can’t break you?? What did they say?  Then when people inquire after them, they fall silent or respond with an equally vague response.  JUST. FUCK. OFF. Instead, please simply just say –Jason, I hate your guts, you will pay. Cut the shit people.

2. Never say this to someone with three children or more – ‘You must have your hands full!’

No shit lady. Last time I looked I only had 2 hands, you do the maths.

3. Don’t tell someone they look ‘tired’.

Sure, they probably do look like shit and could possibly do with a bloody good sleep but what do you gain from pointing out the bleeding obvious? What about when someone says that to you and prior to them opening their mouth, you’d been feeling on top of the world, not tired at all. Just like a venereal disease, keep that shit to yourself.

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4. No dicktogs at the kiddie pool.

Pretty sure no further explanation is needed here. Just to clarify, guys – no dickstickers allowed at the public pool. In fact, unless you’re an Olympic Athlete, just don’t wear them. Unlike the ladies, the more left to the imagination in that department the better. Especially on a on a cold day. We clear?

5. Don’t walk into another person’s house unannounced.

Last night, it was kind of late, my husband and I were sitting up watching a DVD and we heard a rustling at the front door. Luckily we weren’t doing anything. I mean, I know we’ve been together forever but that doesn’t mean that from time to time some spontaneous lounge room action doesn’t take place. Wait, well, yes it does but anyway, that’s not the point. In walks, unannounced, no knock, our new neighbour. At 10pm. ‘Hi guys, what’s cracking?’ Oh nothing much. Just your skull.

6. Don’t bring a six pack and drink a carton.

I generalise with this statement but it basically means don’t turn up to someone’s house for a function, BBQ, dinner, lunch, whatever and end up consuming way more than you brought with you and then be known for doing this consistently. When we were growing up we went to this one friend’s house a lot. They had these friends who every… single…weekend, would turn up with a six-pack of beer, and drink a carton. It’s not cool. It’s not etiquette. It’s an unwritten rule.

7. Do not stay on the phone when being served.

Common courtesy yes?  Then why is it nearly impossible for people to just, oh I don’t know, show the person who is serving them that they can focus on their transaction and actually use their manners whilst doing so? It should also be written into the fine print of this unwritten rule that by law, the Smartphone can be unceremoniously slapped from their hands if they fail to comply.

8. Do not ask perfectly happy couples when they are getting married.

You don’t think the pressure on those guys is already at an all time high? Same goes for the old chestnut “So when are you going to have children?” Just don’t ask and avoid the awkwardness for all.

Any unwritten rules you’d like to add?