Bern Morley Tuesday 29 November 2011 1:43pm

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So waiting in line today at the Self Service Checkout at Woolies with my 3L milk and discounted loaf of bread, I craned my neck from the 7 person deep line to see what was taking so long.  That’s when I spotted her.  The lady who had gone too far with the self servicing. No, wait, she wasn’t doing anything untoward, she was simply scanning and bagging oh, a WHOLE trolley and bagging them around her feet.  And then I thought, well wait, it doesn’t actually say anywhere that she can’t do this. It doesn’t say express.  It doesn’t say x amount of items of less.  But my question is why? I mean if you want to put yourself under the pump and bag your own stuff, why wouldn’t you just go to Aldi and spend half the cash?

This got me thinking about the unwritten rules in life. I mean it doesn’t say anywhere that these kinds of shenanigans aren’t allowed and like someone pointed out to me today, sometimes people do it that way because it’s faster than waiting for the checkout chick. Sure, but not for all the time poor people waiting behind you it’s not. And just because it’s not written doesn’t make it so.

THE UNWRITTEN RULES:

1. Don’t write passive aggressive, vague status updates on Facebook.  ‘Oh tomorrow will be so much better than today, you can’t break me!’  Or ‘Some people should really think before they speak!’ Who can’t break you?? What did they say?  Then when people enquire after them, they fall silent or respond with an equally vague response.   Just simply say –Jason, I hate your guts, you will pay.  Yay, we all get that.  Cut the shit people.

2. Never say this to someone with three children or more – ‘You must have your hands full!’  No shit lady.  Last time I looked I only had 2 hands . You do the math.

3. Don’t tell someone they look ‘Tired’. Sure, they probably do look shithouse and possibly look like they could do with a bloody good 4 year sleep.  But what do you gain from pointing out the bleeding obvious?  What about when someone says that to you and prior to them opening their mouth, you’d been feeling on top of the world, not tired at all. Just like a venereal disease, keep it to yourself.

4. No speedos at the kiddie pool.  Pretty sure no further explanation is needed here. Just to clarify, guys - no speedos  allowed at the public pool. In fact, unless you’re an Olympic Athlete, just don’t wear them. Unlike the ladies, the more left to the imagination in that department the better.  Especially on a on a cold day.  We clear?

5. You don’t walk into other people’s houses UNANNOUNCED.  Last night, it was kind of late, Phil and I were sitting up watching a DVD and we heard a rustling at the front door.  Luckily we weren’t doing anything. I mean, I know we’ve been together forever but that doesn’t mean from time to time some spontaneous lounge room action doesn’t take place.  Wait, yes it does but anyway, that’s not the point.  In walks, unannounced, no knock, our new neighbour.  At 10pm.  ‘Hi guys, what’s cracking?’  Oh nothing much. Other than your skull.

6. Don’t be a Keith.  Keith was a guy from our childhood who always outstayed his welcome.  Never be a Keith in life.

7. Don’t bring a six pack and drink a carton.  I generalise with this statement but it basically means don’t turn up to someone’s house for a function, BBQ, dinner, lunch, whatever and end up consuming way more than you brought with you and then be known for doing this consistently. When we were growing up we went to this one friend’s house a lot. They had these friends who every. single. weekend, would turn up with a six pack of beer, and drink a carton. It’s not cool.  It’s not etiquette.  It’s an unwritten rule.

8. Do not stay on the phone when being served. Common courtesy yes?  Then why is it nearly impossible for people to just, oh I don’t know, show the person serving them that they can focus on their transaction and actually use their manners while doing so.  It should also be written into the fine print of this unwritten rule that by law, the Smartphone can be unceremoniously slapped from their hands if they fail to comply.  If their cheek gets caught in the crossfire, so be it.

Bern is a Gen X, child of the 80′s. Kept busy being a working mother of 3 children.

Any unwritten rules you’d like to add?