Bianca Wordley
by BIANCA WORDLEY
WARNING: Adult content ahead…
1- When you go to run somewhere in public and remember mid-stride you aren’t wearing a sports bra so are forced to hold onto your boobs. The situation is amplified if any nubile, perky young women are anywhere near you or if there are workmen on the street.
2- When you are getting a bra fitted and the woman reaches around and cups your breasts to place them into the bra. Excuse me, I might need my bra fitted because I have been wearing this piece of grey tassled material over my boobs for years now, but I can grab my own tits. That would only be acceptable if the person with their hands on my mammaries was Matt Damon researching a new role as a David Jones lingerie specialist.
3- When you’re pulling out your tampon and a rush of wee squirts out all over your hand.
4- When you’re getting a pap smear and the speculum hooks onto a pubic hair and you’re already so embarrassed you just grin and bear it.
5- When you are doing a pilates class and the woman next to you does a huge fart and everyone looks at you and you want to point at the culprit and yell: “It was not me, it was her! Back off!”
Wasn’t me!
6- Anything to do with leaking boobs, leaking vaginas and the overall loss of dignity when giving birth either naturally or via c-section. There’s just too many gross things to list here. And yes, the baby is all worth it in the end. That goes without saying. Yet having your husband give you a sponge bath while blood drips down your leg is not fun. No-one finds that liberating.
7- When you need to do a fart during sex, but hold on.
8- And I can’t go there without at least mentioning the taste of sperm. Raw yeast is not yummy. Enough said.
9- When you use the tweezers to try and pull a rogue hair out of your nipple and you accidentally pinch at the skin leaving an unsightly red, bleeding hole. * ahem * That didn’t happen to me, it happened to “a friend”.
10- When you go to swallow your pill without water and it gets stuck in your throat, making you gag. See number 8.
There’s plenty more, but I fear I may have already shared too much. Now it’s over to you to share. Go on… what annoys you most about being a woman, but you’re too afraid to say out loud?
Bianca Wordley is an Adelaide-based writer, journalist, broadcaster and publisher of bigwords blog. She has three children, a not-so-secret love of reality television and believes women can do anything. You can visit her ontwitter and facebook.
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212 Comments so far
I agree with all the about! Hilarious! You’ve made my day!
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Having my boyfriend tell me ” ah baby you might wanna go clean up” due to the poo on me and his penis after anal sex. Mortifying.
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Period pain. And did anyone else have a topical prostaglandin application up their whatsit pre-baby-induction? Words. Cannot. Describe. I couldn’t move.
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Omg…the tampon pee thing YES!!
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I was laughing and nodding at that one! I thought it was just me
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Having to ask hubby to give me a trim down there because I’m too pregnant to reach (plus I can’t see so will probably cut myself).
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Thank you, thank you, thank you Mamamia and commenters below, with special mention to Haven Maven.
This post has made my weekend!!!
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When your handbag hikes up your skirt. When you’re wearing very attractive nude pantyhose. At a crowded train station during peak hour. More than once.
Urinary tract infections – the next day after a few drinks or when I haven’t drunk my 2L of water, or you know, just because.
Hemming every single pair of pants I buy because of my short legs.
But I love:
Wearing amazing 50s style dresses that go over my badonky-donk behind.
Feeling like I can do anything after I smash out the perfect ‘man’ pushup.
Getting to be the little spoon
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For that very reason I cant wear L-Lemon, instead prefer Brazil Body – they are thicker and very firm to hold in the “bits”
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Going to sleep when your period is at its heaviest wearing a maternity pad (haven’t had kids yet, they’re just conveniently huge) AND two normal pads stuck together to fashion a weird diaper like contraption and yet STILL leaking all over the sheets. When will the manufacturers realise that supermaxigigantic is NOT enough.
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The price of waxing. $150 on hair removal per month
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Wearing Lululemon workout pants with their anti-camel toe patch in the crotch, which gives me MAJOR camel toe, even though I never get camel toe usually.
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Haven Maven – brilliant stuff………..where’s the book ?………lol……xx’s
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Having to pass urine after we have sex EVERYTIME!!! If I don’t then 99% of the time I will get a UTI.
Sometimes I think the other half looks really tired and wouldn’t be in the mood so go to the bathroom before bed, and as soon as I climb into bed he pounces. So that leaves me having to wait around for my bladder to fill up so I can go to the toilet again before bed and he is snoozing loudly next to me!!!!
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Yes, seriously, the same here. If I don’t pee after, I get a UTI. If I would have lived in the Middle Ages, I would be dead now.
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The need to wipe after a pee or your whole underwear gets wet… boys just pee and off they go
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So glad I am not the only one with all this stuff. The other thing I have realised after reading all these comments is that lots of us are having crazy heavy periods. Mine only started after kids – anyone know why this is?
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I had very heavy periods up until my first pregnancy years ago. Ever since then they are much lighter. I’m also wondering why the change.
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Going to the doctors and they look at the computer and throw you a surprise Pap smear and you are totally not fresh down there as u weren’t expecting to have to get up on the bed and spread em. happened to me the other day, was so embarrassing.
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When your husband has to use the hairdryer to dry your stitches after childbirth…..
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Aww, that’s kind of sweet
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Period leakage.
Sleeping like a statue on the first period night.
Awkward positions while shaving your bits.
When your bra is a bit loose and a bit of nip shows because of the gap.
Front wedgies from badly shaped undies.
Repeatedly jumping into a freshly washed pair of skinny jeans.
Cellulite.
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These responses are the funniest things I have ever read. I keep roaring out loud with laughter and my husband is desperate to know what I am reading. There is no way I am telling him as some mystery needs to remain!
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When your sanatary pad doesn’t stick properly and rolls up and pubic hair sticks to it. Not only can this be painful when removing the pad.. it can be messy.
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Oh yes, and when you can’t fix it because you’re at work teaching small children and can’t go playing with your bits, and have 2 hours until recess…
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8- And I can’t go there without at least mentioning the taste of sperm. Raw yeast is not yummy. Enough said. <—- OMG YES!
I thought I was the only one who thought this? I have never bought it up with my friends because I fear they will think I am a weirdo, or worse still, think my partner has some very weird jizz.
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I’ve always thought it tasted like warm alfalfa…
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Mastitis.
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When your baby gets oral thrush, & then you get thrush..everywhere, yuck!!!
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Thrush in your nipples- I didnt even know that existed until I had sore, bleeding, breastfeeding nipples that just didnt get better!!!
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Having an internal ultrasound on the first day of your period. Nuf said.
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know exactly what you mean – not my finest hour. Poor girl that had to do it to me even though I know she has probably done a hundred or ore before – it can’t have been the highlight of her day.
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I had one of those just the other day. I had to clean up an inadvertent mess I made on the floor as I was getting half nude for the scan. My dr was so nice about it when I apologised. He said, “Please, you don’t ever need to apologise.” The day 10 scan I had today was far more dignified, and showed an awesome sized follicle about to release. Woo hoo.
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Totally agree. I used to get them all the time but haven’t had one in years now that I’m strict on that. Although, that’s one of the things I hate, would be so nice sometimes to just snuggle off to sleep!
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You are obviously not up to the age of BLACK HAIRS EMERGING ON THE CHIN EVERY SINGLE DAY. No?
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Yes I hate facial hair!!! it freaks me out. I am fair but I get tough whiskers on my chin and fair facial hair which I loathe! I use tweezers and hair removal cream regularly. It’s so unfair.
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worst things ever are UTI’s and thrush. im a chronic sufferer of UTI’s and have been my entire life, but now recently around my period time i get thrush… just kill me now.
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Try just wearing cotton undies around that time, nothing silky or slick. Not as fun, but does help keep that area fresh.
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Oh Hayley you aren’t alone. Since I’ve been taking an antibacterial called Hiprex it’s been sooo much better, but mine would send me home from work
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You should ask for a dose of oral tablets for the thrush they go for four weeks and put a tamping in that has been dipped in natural yoghurt . Once this time is up make sure you wear cotton undies and nothing tight to bed. Wear leggings instead of stockings with dresses
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Lol. I fart during sex, often it ends the act, but I cannot hold on.
Also, the bra-running thing? I wore a normal bra to my dance class once b/c my sports bra was in the wash and I saw in the change room that other women wear just normal bras… Well, that’s the last time I did it. I couldn’t do warm up, because it was a nightmare to hold boobs in front of a wall-sized mirror w everyone looking.
Thanks for the laugh
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Milk leaking from my breasts at inopportune times
Cracked nipples, bleeding nipples, nipple thrush and mastitis all due to the glorious early days of mothering
Awkward manoeuvres required for brazilian waxing. And the PAIN! We are nuts!
Fanny farts during yoga – oh the unfairness of it!
Cellulite
My 35 year-old face thinking it’s 17 again and breaking out in pimples
Grey hair on a man being considered suave and sexy…grey hair on a woman considered awful. UN.BLOODY.FAIR.
Static skirts – just plain annoying
Whenever I’m out alone, without my kids, or at work, I’m constantly asked “Who’s looking after the kids?” But my husband never gets asked. Double standards.
Also…constantly the target of unsolicited and often unhelpful advice while pregnant and while out with young children.
Whenever my husband is in public with our kids, people comment that he’s a “Super Dad”! (FOR DOING HIS JOB). But no such accolades for me.
I could go on and on…
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Have you ever noticed how child care centre, kindys and schools always ring the mother first? It’s a small niggle, I know, but it does irritate me particularly because I often get called at work and they haven’t even tried the home phone. I know this because my husband’s often there because of his work hours.
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Ours always rings hubby first. I think that is just the no. they have on file.
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Keep that one going then. I always get the calls when the kids need to be picked up. Sometimes I have to ring home from work to get my husband to do the pick up and worst of all, I’ve had to leave work to go to the school and have gotten home to find my husband took himself off to the movies. Grrrr.
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Yeast infections! Can’t beleive no one has mentioned this yet.
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That’s because they are calling it thrush
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in addition to all other comments …Thrush! just because your on antibiotics/ wear tight jeans / menstrual cycle changes….
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thursh – just because. There need not be a reason in my case!
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I had it for the first time a few weeks ago and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but my vulva, labia, whatever was COVERED in white, it looked like it had been SNOWING IN MY VAGINA. And 2 hours after taking the Canestan pill it was gone. I love modern medicine.
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Pooing during childbirth.
I don’t care that the midwife said it happens all the time, not to worry. I don’t care that my husband said he really didn’t notice. I don’t care that it’s all perfectly normal and no one is really bothered.
I noticed. I was bothered. And nothing will ever take away the mortification.
You may get a lovely baby at the end that makes it all worthwhile, but you certainly have to leave your dignity at the door.
That and waxing. I am very much over waxing and hair removal in general.
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Pooing during childbirth immediately came to my mind too
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I noticed to! No-one said anything of course but it was still pretty embarrassing.
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They used to give you an enema to avoid pooing. They don’t anymore for some reason. I would ask next time!
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I just heard about this article on the radio half and hour ago, then 10 minutes ago I sneezed and realised I had one:
does anyone else drop their hip, you know, as if you had were holding a baby on it, except you’re not, just before they sneeze or cough? this is to use that lovely inside thigh to close off the downstairs in case the force of the sneeze encourages any unwelcome expulsions. particularly relevant during the period, but you know, I think I probably do this all the time. And tonight I just thought – cripes, I bet men don’t do this. I bet they stand legs akimbo and sneeze with impunity.
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I call that the menopause sneeze.
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Menopause sneeze?? I am 31 and I have been doing that as long as I can remember!
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Oh yeah, I do this all the time. If Im walking I have to stop, drop (the hip) and squeeze. Total giveaway.
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Oh how I wish for the freedom to sneeze with impunity
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I hear you sister
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I’m hearing ya! That old pelvic floor ain’t what she used to be. It’s a particular problem during hayfever season….
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I fart when I cough or sneeze now. And only one baby to show for it!
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Number 3 has never happened to me, ever! Even after two kids…in fact i had never even heard of it! Is it a common thing?
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The urethra is close to the top of the vaginal wall so as the tampon drags down it’s easy to lose a bit of wee that may have been down the end of it. This is also how porn stars ‘squirt’ (which is totally different to real female ejaculation), by dragging fingers down the top of their vaginal wall.
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Alas I’m 40 & still get pimples. They look just great with my wrinkles
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48 and get them too
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Bianca, I freakin love you !!! Let’s be best friends ok?!
I hate that it takes more time & effort to lose weight compared to my husband- its not fair!
Plus all the stuff you said B!!!!
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Thanks honey! Thought I might have overshared! Good to see I am not alone in this x
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when during childbirth the only orifice not to loose anything is your ears :/ and being with it enough to realise.
posterior labour
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Being asked by my father, at the age of 39, how I would cope when I made the huge decision to end my abusive marriage.
Periods.
The assumption that being a feminist means I am a man hating, ball breaking bitch.
Gender based stereotypes relating to driving, parking, intelligence, looks, etc, etc.
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When your sports bra gives out under the strain at a Zumba class and you have to do the sideways awkward dance to the change room.
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Vaginas… seriously, we love them for the purpose of sex and getting babies out, but there seems to be little else that pleasing about them.
Penises… men just love them. All the time. Seemingly no issues.
Not fair.
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No way! men have that terrible issue about size, I think that must be terrible. There’s nothing you can do if you have a small penis and plenty of men have small ones.
But that is pretty much all they have to deal with whereas we have periods, childbirth, menopause (don’t you love that word, are we pausing men???)
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blokes get lovers nuts, or blue balls, it’s unbelievably painful.
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3 words. Involuntary public erection. Less fond of him then.
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Not being able to sneeze, cough or laugh on the first day of my period, because there’s a volcano of blood that no sanitary product can contain.
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Same here! Since kids it is massively heavy!! I normally use the tampax Super Plus, they dont even do the job,
Sooo for all Tampax users, today found Super Libra Applicator tampons – genius! they are better quality tampons – with the applicator. Got them at K-mart, I am going back to stock up.
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Snorting with laughter reading these! Snorting my head off!
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Periods and everything that comes with them- ’nuff said
Not being able to just ‘quickly go behind a tree’ when you are nowhere near a toilet, instead having to go into some dense scrubs/bushes to squat.
Lucky for me I have tiny A cup boobs so i’ve never needed/worn a sports bra
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When you take off your undies and fart. Where DID my muscle control go?
The first poo post birth. Holy crap I was SO ginger – held a pad to the front as the midwife told me to do and bloody pee’d through the while thing – up and over the floor.
Tucking my dress into my tights. And thankyou general public for letting me get out the foyer of my building, across a courtyard and across an intersection before some nice lady told me.
Hair. All of it. I swear our milkman was a gorilla.
Fanny farts when the speculum is taken out….dying?!?!
Having tits so big that if I don’t remember to put my bra on before my belt I’m in trouble.
Realising all my mirrors stop at my waist, and discovering the true size of my arse in a shop window….
Fifty shades of grey eyebrows. Holy fuck.
Falling over – Julia I feel your pain. And fat chicks falling over is only funny to EVERYONE else.
Looking at my 20 year old daughter and remembering I was once built like that.
PMS. One day I’m taking a hostage.
Fuck it all. I’m going to eat a cookie…
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That is hysterical!
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Haven maven…… Seriously….. Crying….. Hilarious. ….. Agree with every word!
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Laughed so hard. Thank-you!
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Ba ha ha, awesome!
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Hysterical!
You should write for mamamia. Sometimes its good to have a laugh!
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OMG, I am crying with laughter!! you’re too funny!
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agree with every word… ohh that first poo, terrifying!
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Yep! And one time I regretted my open-door policy with my daughter – when she came wandering in to the bathroom as I was trying to poo in the days following her little brother’s birth. My sister-in-law was visiting, helping out, and was in earshot of my loud objections (even though she was at the other end of the house). I generally think it’s basically part of toilet training for my daughter to understand that mum uses the toilet, and how, but the intricacies and pains of post-birth toileting can surely wait!
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Possibly the funniest comment that I’ve ever read on this site.
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Enjoy it cookie, you deserve it! Hilarious post, you’ve made my day!
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The very final loss of any shred of dignity left after giving birth to a baby.
A suppository put into your bum will take care of that.
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Yeah, I loved that. But first I had the doc shove his finger up my arse to see if the tearing had “gone through”. Then after stitching me up, shove the suppository up my arse.
It wasn’t even my birthday.
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I usually expect dinner…
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I can’t stop laughing at the last sentence!
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Me too. Thankyou. Just brilliant
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I got an unexpected surprise two years ago as a naive 18 year old getting an IUD inserted- I was in a fair bit of pain, and the doctor asked ‘would you like a suppository Nurofen?’ ‘Sure’ I said.
I didn’t know what a suppository was.
I SCREAMED.
It’s very funny now of course. I actually think I scared the doctor more than he scared me…
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When we politely ignore some jerk who is talking to us and just HAS to have a scratch at that point in time, whilst we have a pubic hair stuck to the sticky side of our pad which pulls whenever we move, but somehow we have self control and wait until we get to the toilet to ‘rearrange’. Yet he can’t even turn away from us to scratch!
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Oh the pubic hair stuck to the sticky side of the pad. I did that in a rush when going out. It was almost bent in half, sticking a chunk of my hair to it. The pain was eye watering.
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Male privilege blindness.
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It’s really more a one-time thing and for most of us happened long ago: but it’s bloody awkward and unfair and I was only reminiscing about it the other day with a friend:
The fact that sex hurts the first time for women due to a freaking bit of skin that tears and results in bleeding.
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Brilliant article. So gross and yet so true in real life!!!
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Having to do anything (parenting, cooking, cleaning, working……) during the first three extremely painful days of my period while cramping, rushing to the toilet every hour (YES every hour), and being expected to smile and be nice to people.
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I know that every hour thing. Yuck. Over it.
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Omg yes! What is it about having your period which suddenly puts your kidneys/bladder on hyper drive?!?
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And why is it that on that first day I have magically offered to look after every child in the neighbourhood after school, so I feel like this manic, toilet rushing, half conversation woman! The more I do the heavier it is – arghhhhhhh.
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Growing facial hair and not being able to see it to pluck it early.
Hot sweats in business meetings
Night sweats in winter
Welcome to menopause!
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I now keep tweezers everywhere- in my handbag, in the car, in the bathroom and in in the bedroom. If i feel one of those little buggers i have the tool at hand within nanoseconds!
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