Bec
By REBECCA SPARROW
When I was sixteen, a boy in my Year 12 English class dropped his pencil on the floor and looked up my dress as he picked it up. He proceeded to whisper and snicker to the other boys around him that I was wearing pink knickers. And that I had fat thighs.
That day – for not the first time – I desperately wished I was thin.
I’ve never been seriously over-weight and it would be disingenuous of me to act as though I have been. But I’ve also never been one of the skinny girls either. Never walked out of the house in a cute tank top and short shorts only to unconsciously bewitch everyone who crossed my path. Or at the very least engender second “Hey check her out!” glances.
Hence, I have no clue what it’s like to receive ‘skinny privilege’. And, I can’t say I have any frontline experience of people doing me favours for being a hottie.
Over the years I’ve had several friends who were either thin or gorgeous or both and from the sidelines I’ve watched people – men and women – fall over themselves (and at times make fools of themselves) attempting to win their favour.
I learned that beauty wins you everything from free drinks in bars to unfair extensions on university assignments. My perm and I stood back and watched – often amused, occasionally envious and yes, sometimes bloody irritated.
Beth Ditto.
But I’ve started to wonder if NOT having skinny privilege has perhaps been one of the biggest blessings of my life. Here I am at 40 and I’m blissfully happy and entirely comfortable with my age.
One of the reasons for that, I suspect, is I’m not mourning the loss of my youth AT ALL. I’m not destined to be Norma Desmond who grows older wanting desperately to turn back the clock. Frankly, I look waaaaay better now than I did in my 20s. (I was heavier then, had a perm and a fondness for shoulder pads. Need I go on?).
That’s why when I read an interview with Beth Ditto last week I immediately understood the point she was making.
Ditto is the lead singer of uber-successful indie band Gossip. She’s also 152 cm tall and 90kg.
The 31-year-old singer is doing the rounds at the moment promoting her memoir Coal to Diamonds which details her childhood sexual abuse (by an uncle), her life of poverty in Arkansas, her sexuality and the fat-phobia to which she has become accustomed.
But it’s this quote from the memoir about Ditto’s feelings on skinny privilege that are stop-you-in-your-tracks interesting. She writes …
“I feel sorry…for people who’ve had skinny privilege and then have it taken away from them. I have had a lifetime to adjust to seeing how people treat women who aren’t their idea of beautiful and therefore aren’t their idea of useful, and I had to find ways to become useful to myself.”
While in a terrific interview with The Guardian earlier this year, Ditto said:
“I have no control over what people think of me but I have 100% control of what I think of myself, and that is so important. And not just about your body, but so many ways of confidence. You’re constantly learning how to be confident, aren’t you? You’re constantly reprogramming yourself.”
You know I’ve never even listened to Ditto’s music. But I like her. A lot.
The fabulous Beth Ditto: Beth Ditto
So what do you think? Is life actually harder when you’ve spent your life experiencing “skinny privilege” ? Does not having it make you a stronger person?
Comments
122 Comments so far
I’ve often been the fat friend sidekick to the gorgeous thinner girl and admit a perverse pleasure in watching some of these now near 40 year old women seriously struggling with loosing their looks/appeal – its been what they’ve traded on for years and it is fading. Yes I’m a bad friend but I’m speaking my truth. Jealous,yep I used to be. But now I realise I’m more comfortable in my fat, freckled skin than many.
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i think its sort of a package deal thing… looks definately play a large role but its more than that, its the confidence aswell. Some people sort of just ‘sparkle’, and others are naturally drawn to them. kinda like scarlett o’hara.
one of my friends was like this in high school, although we were similar in shape, height, hair colour (people used to joke we looked like sisters), she just had this pull over people that i never had, her attitude, confidence, personality, looks… everything.
We werent in the ‘cool’ group, we were somewhere inbetween in the stupid class system that is highschool, but she would have ‘cool’ guys falling over themselves to date her, it was like sometimes she didnt even realise., or if she did she played it down very well!!
When i was with her I got more attention too , at the club when we were 18 we would get drinks bought for us often… it was all because of her!
while i was stick thin in high school, i had frizzy hair, glasses, braces, and worst of all, was painfully quiet and shy. i could blend effortlessly into classroom walls.
then somewhere between the end of year 8 and year 10, puberty finally kicked in and i suddenly went from being stick thin to slender but with curves, my boobs went from 10a to 12dd. my braces came off, i got contact lenses. i did get more attention from the boys, suddenly by the end of year 10/ senior high school boys were asking me out, wanted to ‘hook up’ at school discos or parties. suddenly i wasnt completely invisible.
but while it did boost my confidence a bit, i was still quiet and shy, and i always hated that as that has always been the thing that holds me back, still am today even at 28!!!
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I was a super skinny very pretty teenager. i ate huge amounts of food and never gained weight. i never did homework never lost marks for it either and people did treat me better. When i was 19 i went on the pill and it changed the way my body worked i gained 30kg in a year and after that i never managed to lose the weight and i put on more with my pregnancies. I still get compliments on my eyes by people but i actually like the way people treat me now women are nicer to me and men aren’t creepy. my husband who i have been with since i was 18 thinks it’s hilarious. i would like to lose weight for my health but i’m more comfy being overweight than i was skinny i am now 28 though so maybe it’s an age thing.
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I dont know how relatable this is, and it’s nothing to do with being skinny because that is something I am not. I’m fairly average weight, i’d say healthy, but what I do have is long blonde hair, and i guess i put a lot of effort into my appearance. A couple of months ago I was unemployed and went through fourteen job interviews to get to the position I’m in now, and it wasn’t until I put my hair back and didn’t wear a lot of makeup that I got a job. Looking pretty (if you’ll excuse me for saying that without seeming conceited) I believe was a factor in some of my interviews because as soon as they met me in person I could feel assessment bordering on condescension based on my looks.
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I’m skinny, really skinny. Skinny like an underdeveloped 14yr old boy, not skinny like Miranda Kerr. Trust me, no one’s ever looked at my body and thought I was hot. I’m invisible to guys.
Being as thin as I am is only attractive to people casting catwalk shows. Not because they think it looks good, but because there’s no lumps and bumps, no boobs or ass that might detract from the clothing. A body like mine is a blank slate. That’s not the same thing is as being attractive or hot.
My body isn’t held up as some ideal. Even in the 90′s when heroin chic was all the rage, the face of the look, Kate Moss, had a few curves (not the same thing as carrying extra weight). When people talk about how skinniness is attractive, they’re thinking of Victoria’s Secret models and hot girls on the beach. Women with waists and boobs, a bit of meat on their thighs and a decent ass. They aren’t thinking of women like me
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I’m assuming you’re still fairly young, so forgive me if you’re not.
Your metabolism will eventually slow down. You may always be thin, but probably not to the extent you are now. There’s not a lot you can do about it. I lifted weights, ate a lot of carbs & protein etc and none of it helped. I found that dressing to suit my shape and highlight my one good feature (my butt) helped. I’m now between sizes 10 and 12 and am incredibly glad that I’ve never felt the need to diet.
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I can’t tell you how to feel but I can tell you about how much I love ‘Deb’ from Dexter.. – Jennifer Carpenter. This is what I’m imagining what you’re saying?
I have been with quite a few women and I certainly have my ‘type’ aka look that I am generally attracted to but her – something so interesting and attractive.
So just remember it’s not all about the lumps & bumps…
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Oh Kate I’m the same! I wish I could give you a bony hug. My padded bra might get in the way though. I’m mid 20s and still waiting for the boob fairy =(
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I have been fat and then skinny and then fat again and always had a pretty face, which in itself will get you drinks and assignment extensions (if you wink in the right direction) But it is a whole lot easier when you are thin.
I have to say- people are nasty to people carrying weight. N.A.S.T.Y.
and judgemental. Downright rude.
There is very little consideration for the feelings of a fat person because there is a attitude that it is all their fault and that the “problem” is “easy” to fix. Not true. There is no consideration of the mental, physical and emotional circumstances that lead to weight gain and the vitriolic and ill-informed ideas that all many average people spit towards fatties only causes further damage and is anything but helpful or informative.
Being racist is not cool, being sexist is not cool, being fattist is.not.cool.
Self worth, self love, acceptance and gratitude for who we are and what we have is absolutely the key….That is what we should all be striving for within ourselves and helping others to acheive. Thanks Beth Ditto for making me feel a little better.
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Bec you just described my look when I was in my 20s!!
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Interesting – I don’t unconsciously bewitch people but I am thin. Reading this makes me realise I’ve put a lot of mental energy into not valuing my looks over the years. I try to ignore people that say they’re jealous of my figure and generally try to emphasise the idea that beauty is on the inside.
So I suppose I’ve been mentally preparing myself for losing my looks at some stage … and in the process have probably never really enjoyed them!
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I think you’re confusing “beauty/sexiness” with skinny. I have always been rake thin. But was always awkward looking, well into my early 20s. I never felt like the pretty girl. Sexiness is actually something that has come from within.
At two different points I have put on close to 12kg. That is 1/4 of my current body weight. The only thing I didn’t like was that my clothes didn’t fit very well, but rather than have my “skinny privilege” reneged I actually felt more womanly and I felt very very sexy and curvaceous.
I also have a very high metabolism and suffer from anxiety so putting on weight is difficult for me. When I was a kid I got called a “skinny Minnie” but its actually now as a fully grown woman that I have the most attention drawn to my weight and its usually women, pointing out that I’m “too skinny” and that I can have some of theirs if I’m Having trouble putting it on. It’s patronising.
I love that you love your body. That’s all I want to hear. I love mine too. We don’t have to compare the ‘unfortunates’ who’ve
lost their once brilliant figured. Lets just stop commenting on other women’s bodies shall we? Tell me about yours-sure! It’s absolutely your right and I want to hear about it, but please leave mine and the experience you haven’t had well away.
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I’ve never been super skinny and while I’m not bad to look at I don’t have model looks. Once was sat with 2 (tall, slim, pretty, good hair) friends having lunch at uni and some scout came over and asked the two friends I was with if they’d be interested in modelling and appearing in an upcoming fashion show – ouch! Never begrudged them it though, they were nice and humble people and never flaunted themselves in a tacky manner. Plus it was helpful going out on the town with them as we got express entry into clubs!
I have a theory that good hair puts you on a path to success in life though – if there was one thing I would really like it would be a luscious mane of long, voluminous, silky hair!
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Yes! “Hair privilege”!
That could be a whole new column!
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Thanks for this article Rebecca! It covers everything I’ve felt over the last 30 years!
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I don’t think I’ve ever been “skinny” but when I look back at pics from my very early 20s, I was very slim. I’ve never really been overweight and I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly attractive person. That being said, I have always placed far more emphasis on my brains and intellectual abilities than the way I look – it has gotten me a lot further!
I did notice, when I started working full time and going out with Ex Mr W that I didn’t get as many “looks” when I went places as I did when I was younger and it was a bit of a blow to my self esteem. I put on a bit of weight and probably didn’t make as much effort with my appearance because I was comfortable.
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I don’t think it’s being skinny so much as being really, really ridiculously good looking (say in zoolander voice), and carrying yourself with confidence and a certain level of approachability and friendliness.
There are lots of different kinds of beauty in the world, I seriously doubt the Christina Hendricks types get any less attention than the Victoria’s Secret types.
Men will fall over themselves to do things for women who are really attractive, not really skinny.
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LOL! Where’s Derek Zoolander when we need him?
I think you’re right … I think it’s about “hottie privilege” more than ‘skinny privilege’ BUT … maybe it’s all relative. And maybe someone who is plus-sized would say that absolutely someone who is skinny is treated better (with more respect etc) than they are.
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Yeah, I think that Beth Ditto has it right in her quote, it’s about that narrow range of looks and size that society deems ‘hot’ and therefore useful.
Blue Steel!
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I’m 150cms and 86 kilos so about the same size as Beth. I don’t think that skinny people are necessarily treated any better than anyone else or that overweight people are treated less well. I agree with MJ, it’s attractive people who perhaps have it a bit easier in terms of how people treat them. Being thin does not necessarily make you attractive, it depends on how you carry yourself, how you dress, whether you’ve got nice skin or buck teeth or whatever.
I work in retail and a few weeks ago had a ridiculously good looking and quite charming customer and practically gave some of our stock away. After he left I thought “what just happened?”. I think we’re somehow programmed to like good looking people.
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I was always thin growing up. But up until 10th grade, I had braces, curly short hair, glasses and no fashion sense. Cue being ignored by practically everyone. I tried my hardest to make myself invisible, so I could avoid being teased.
In grade 10 I got a new haircut, wore contact lenses, braces were off! Although I did not change my personality whatsoever, I was suddenly considered to be part of the cool group. However, my self esteem didn’t change that quickly and it took an old friend to make me realize there was now a difference (boys asking me out – it wasn’t a joke!; being friends with popular girls was not just a fluke). So yes, I believe there is a lot to appearances. Although how others perceive you does not necessarily make you feel any better or differently about yourself.
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Can I just add – I feel like I have to work harder to prove that I am worthy/capable/intelligent/more than a red face. Do skinny/large people have this same feeling?
It’s like, well you look a certain way so you can’t possibly be happy/smart/loving life like those that conform to the normal/beautiful.
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i lucked out in the looks lottery. i can’t pretend that my appearance hasn’t come in useful… however i see it as completely transitory and i have gone out of my way to not play it up… i don’t wear make-up, short skirts, heals… i always try to make myself look as plain as possible because otherwise the way people treat me completely changes… at work i often get typecast but that tends to fall away when people realise how chilled out i actually am… there is nothing more abject than a hot person who walks around flaunting it like they are better than other people…
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I love Beth Ditto too – she is uber confident, speaks her mind and stands up for causes she believes in.
But skinny privilege? I’ve got to say, I’m a little bit baffled. And a little bit insulted. I mean, I’m skinny, and although I’m certainly not in the catwalk category, I like to think I kinda brush up alright. And yet I’m pretty sure I’ve never once been given an advantage purely because of my ‘skinniness’ (certainly not an assignment extension – one of my university lecturers was nick-named Severus Snape)
What exactly entitles you to ‘skinny privilege’ anyway? Was I supposed to register with all of the other skinny girls? Did my membership card get lost in the post?
What irks me about topics like this is the back-handed suggestion that maybe those skinny girls didn’t get where they did on their own merit. Because I know I certainly have.
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Laurenrae the article is not saying that all skinny women get everything only because they are skinny. It is saying how much harder women who don’t fit the ideal have to work to get the same thing.
Your questioning of this proves that only walking in those shoes for a while can provide that insight.
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You might not think so. Until it’s not there anymore. That’s the thing about prejudice…sometimes it’s not evident until you’re the target. It can be that socially acceptable.
This has nothing to do with getting anywhere. It has to do with how you’re perceived before you’ve even opened your mouth. We’ve come a long way to make sure that race, religion, sexuality and age aren’t discriminated against. Weight is just the last frontier.
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I totally agree – I don’t know what it’s like walking in those shoes. I can’t comment on what it’s like, so I haven’t tried to. I just plain hate the thought that ANY woman would get less respect or merit because of the way she looks.
To me ‘skinny privilege’ is just another kind of name calling. Another kind of prejudice. I’m not saying the concept doesn’t exist – certainly alot of MM readers have ‘fessed up to milking it for all it is worth. It just plays into that divide of skinny and fat, beautiful and ugly. I’m just making a teeny-weeny side note – let’s just not assume that all skinny/beautiful women use it. Let’s not fall into ‘Oh, Lucy got promoted? That’s just because she has skinny privilege’
Can we just stop pointing fingers at each others bodies and debatating over who has it better and who wins out in the end?
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Though it’s not related to my weight, I have experienced a lifetime of being different, and I can relate to Beth Ditto’s quote – I have also had a lifetime to adjust to the way society has reacted to my appearance, it hasn’t been a sudden change. Maybe this is easier, maybe not.
It would be easier to conform to spciety’s view of beauty, the ideal weight and size. But we often cannot choose our appearance. And so we just have to be the best people we can be.
Great piece Bec. Go listen to Heavy Cross and Standing in the Way of Control by the Gossip. I think you’ll like Beth’s music as much as her attitude.
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Carly,
Your comments are always insightful. Thanks for adding your thoughts to this post.
And yes, I’m going to have to download some of Gossip’s music now. I’m already a fan of Beth Ditto … I wonder if I’ll like her music!
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I dont know if its always a ‘skinny privilege’
Im not skinny, I’m slim thanks to my 10hr+/wk gym habit but defiantly not skinny however I frequently get free drinks (when in with skinny friends!), can skip the line at clubs, and on occasion, favours from tutors at uni. I used to juice this for all it was worth but these days I just take it when it comes to me.
The thing is i dont think this is from being skinny or exceptionally beautiful, as there are many other girls who I would say are better looking than I who dont get this. But one thing that is constantly commented on is the warmth and confidence I radiate with my smile.
I guess this privilege doesnt just come to skinny people, maybe its the confidence these people have that gets them things
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I agree Anonymous. Charm will get you everywhere. I’m average height and weight, nothing special to look at but I do have a great smile and a wicked sense of humour. People comment on my warmth/confidence too…
Women are happy to be friends with me because I’m not ridiculously attractive and I don’t intimidate men for the same reason. On the career front, obviously being smart and working hard helps but I think there is a fine line between being sufficiently attractive to be “liked/trusted/promoted” or just that little bit too good looking in which your intelligence will never be taken seriously. I have seen this happen to a good friend in real life.
Also in some ways, being that little bit more ordinary means you seek out self-worth in other places, so when the ‘looks’ you have fade, everything else remains intact. Beth is on the money here.
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oh i think i can already hear the sounds of the skinnyvists stomping over here to say how hard it is being skinny.
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Yes we are. See comments above (anxiety disorder/overactive metabolism).
Can I ask, if this column was reversed, would you feel good about me writing:
I bet all the fatties are gonna come over here complaining with gravy all over their face, like they always do?
Same difference dude. We each have our own struggle/cross to bear; mine isn’t more important than yours, and vice-versa.
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i’m pretty skinny actually… but i also accept that this makes my life a hell of a lot easier…
sadly when you get sick (emotionally and physically) and lose weight you will generally encounter positive reinforcement… the other way… only scorn and judgement.
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So true. I was never fat, but I wasn’t at all attractive, and HATED being a teenager for exactly the same reasons. Like you and Beth Ditto, I had to find a way around it to become a ‘self accepting’ adult content enough in my own skin. For me, this came in the form of words, and wit, and out of those came a satisfying career.
But, wow, how hard it was during those teen years to be consistently relegated to the ‘not pretty’ sin bin! I feel for anyone who’s still there.
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My sister and I have both been blessed with great genes and are naturally slender. I am more a fit, toned shape (I’m a PT) where as my sister is a leggy, very tall, thin model looking girl with an AMAZING face to boot.
The difference between us is while I am comfortable in wearing denim shorts and a singlet, I like to think I don’t flaunt it to get what I want. I think its tacky, embarrassing and makes you less respected for your “real” qualities. My sister though, I’m ashamed to say works it for all its worth! She giggles around like an idiot, tossing her hair and showing off some leg just to get a compliment. It’s so off putting! She definitely works the “skinny privilege” like it’s going out of fashion!
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