Bec
By REBECCA SPARROW
When I was sixteen, a boy in my Year 12 English class dropped his pencil on the floor and looked up my dress as he picked it up. He proceeded to whisper and snicker to the other boys around him that I was wearing pink knickers. And that I had fat thighs.
That day – for not the first time – I desperately wished I was thin.
I’ve never been seriously over-weight and it would be disingenuous of me to act as though I have been. But I’ve also never been one of the skinny girls either. Never walked out of the house in a cute tank top and short shorts only to unconsciously bewitch everyone who crossed my path. Or at the very least engender second “Hey check her out!” glances.
Hence, I have no clue what it’s like to receive ‘skinny privilege’. And, I can’t say I have any frontline experience of people doing me favours for being a hottie.
Over the years I’ve had several friends who were either thin or gorgeous or both and from the sidelines I’ve watched people – men and women – fall over themselves (and at times make fools of themselves) attempting to win their favour.
I learned that beauty wins you everything from free drinks in bars to unfair extensions on university assignments. My perm and I stood back and watched – often amused, occasionally envious and yes, sometimes bloody irritated.
Beth Ditto.
But I’ve started to wonder if NOT having skinny privilege has perhaps been one of the biggest blessings of my life. Here I am at 40 and I’m blissfully happy and entirely comfortable with my age.
One of the reasons for that, I suspect, is I’m not mourning the loss of my youth AT ALL. I’m not destined to be Norma Desmond who grows older wanting desperately to turn back the clock. Frankly, I look waaaaay better now than I did in my 20s. (I was heavier then, had a perm and a fondness for shoulder pads. Need I go on?).
That’s why when I read an interview with Beth Ditto last week I immediately understood the point she was making.
Ditto is the lead singer of uber-successful indie band Gossip. She’s also 152 cm tall and 90kg.
The 31-year-old singer is doing the rounds at the moment promoting her memoir Coal to Diamonds which details her childhood sexual abuse (by an uncle), her life of poverty in Arkansas, her sexuality and the fat-phobia to which she has become accustomed.
But it’s this quote from the memoir about Ditto’s feelings on skinny privilege that are stop-you-in-your-tracks interesting. She writes …
“I feel sorry…for people who’ve had skinny privilege and then have it taken away from them. I have had a lifetime to adjust to seeing how people treat women who aren’t their idea of beautiful and therefore aren’t their idea of useful, and I had to find ways to become useful to myself.”
While in a terrific interview with The Guardian earlier this year, Ditto said:
“I have no control over what people think of me but I have 100% control of what I think of myself, and that is so important. And not just about your body, but so many ways of confidence. You’re constantly learning how to be confident, aren’t you? You’re constantly reprogramming yourself.”
You know I’ve never even listened to Ditto’s music. But I like her. A lot.
The fabulous Beth Ditto: Beth Ditto
So what do you think? Is life actually harder when you’ve spent your life experiencing “skinny privilege” ? Does not having it make you a stronger person?
Comments
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Bec, I really like and respect your writing but you have missed what thin privilege is. Please go to this blog http://www.thisisthinprivilege.tumblr.com to see what thin privilege truly is.
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What an awful and insulting article. I’m 26 and naturally a size 6 to 8; but that is not what defines me and I will not suddenly be a miserable person when I get older/pregnant/whatever and am no longer thin.
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I have the skinny privilege, though I don’t go out wearing clothes that show it off. I wear nice enough clothes, but nothing revealing. It doesn’t matter though if I am skinny. People do look back at me or trip over themselves or any of that. I have a very ugly face, so even though I am thin it doesn’t matter. People are actually very rude to me for it. I try to make myself look better. I get my hair cut in a way that flatters my face shape. I wear make up. I wear earrings. I get my teeth whitened. I try everything I can to try and look better because I’ve been getting made fun of since I was 12 years old for being ugly. I wasn’t allowed to be a cheerleader in High School only because of my face. Which isn’t a big deal now, but when I was 14 and trying to find a way to fit in and meet new people in a big new High School it hurt a lot. It was a very defining moment for me. And even if months later I figured out I probably wouldn’t have liked it, that didn’t matter. I was rejected because I wasn’t good at. It was rejected because of my face. Something I have no choice over. However, as a teen I figured either people would grow out of making fun of me or I would grow into my looks. I knew that happened to people. They went from ugly ducklings to beautiful. That didn’t happen, and I am now 26. My looks aren’t going to get better by this point. People tell me I look more like a guy than a girl. I do everything possible to look more feminine but it doesn’t work. One time someone told me that I looked like a guy wearing make up.
It bothers me. Maybe I can never be a beauty queen, and I can accept that. I can’t accept that I am almost 30 years old and people still bully me for the way I look. People who are younger, the same age or older. Someone once tried to cheer me up by saying looks fade and those people will lose their looks eventually and learn to respect personality. That doesn’t help. So I am basically not going to get respect until I am at least 50 or 60 when everyone my age is getting older and losing their beauty. And it’s not people who know me who do this. It’s random people. Like the other day I was walking through a grocery store parking lot and this one girl looked at me (she was probably in the early 20s) and yelled loudly. “EW! LOOK HOW DISGUSTING THAT WOMAN IS!” I was all dressed up too. How can I be disgusting? Some other time I was shopping for make up and this girl came up and told me not to bother because I was so ugly it wouldn’t help. And then she said to do the world a favour and kill myself because then they wouldn’t have to look at me. When I told her my dad killed himself and I didn’t like that comment she told told me to follow in his footsteps. And she had to be my age or even older. She wasn’t too young.
So being thin isn’t something that hasn’t helped me. I honestly believe that it’s only about how pretty the face is and nothing else. Most people I know respect everyone (overweight as well) as long as they have a pretty face.So I don’t think it’s a big deal to be big as long as you’re pretty.
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I need to learn to edit my posts…
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I spent most of my life living with thin privilege. I had men fall all over themselves, give me free items, get great seats at restaurants, concerts, etc. I had clerks at stores offer to help me and bring me tons of clothes. I had the admiration of my peers and friends. I had tons of people want to be my friend. The way my spouse was treated when I was thin was even different! He had better opportunity, more friends, and we were invited everywhere. When I told people I was a vegetarian who loved to work out, people believed me and hung on every word on how they could get to where I was. I was accepted into clubs and groups just because my clothes fit well.
It’s amazing the difference weight makes. Thanks to an unfortunate medical condition, I don’t have any of that anymore. I’m still the same person, just not thin. This whole time I thought I got all these things because I was a pretty girl. Apparently, you can’t be fat and pretty (still think I am, even though people would want me to believe otherwise) in society.
For the first three years of being overweight, I hid from society. I would only go to a 24 hour gym and use it at 1am when I knew no one would be there. I became aware that I was different because no one would look at me. My spouse has even suffered because his wife is a “fat bitch” (no one at his new job had ever met pr spoken to me, this presumption was just based off a picture he had at his desk of the two of us smiling). He became a social outcast as none of his coworkers nor their wives wanted us involved. As if my fat was a disease they could catch.
Doctors for years ignored my medical ailments, telling me that it was all in my head and that I needed to lose weight (turns out my disease was attributed to neither, but thank you medical assholes for making 6 years of my life a living hell and having me believe there was something psychologically wrong with me when it was your stupidity and neglect that couldn’t see past your fatphobia).
I’m ignored, hated, reprimanded, and shunned. I am told I am no longer a person. So yes, it sucks not having thin privilege when I used to. Is it harder when you’ve spent most of your life having thin privilege? No. Because at least I know what it was like to be treated and included in society. So many people haven’t had it ever and that’s a damn crime.
Even if you are unattractive and thin- you have had privilege and I wish more people would realize this! Fat phobia and mistreatment is so great and it doesn’t matter where you go (I’ve traveled all over the world), you’ll find it everywhere.
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Are you serious?
Have you ever had your thighs bruised by the arms of a seat in a theater? Have you ever been charged extra or shamed on an plane for needing a seatbelt extended or an extra seat? Have you ever had a doctor ignore the reason you came in, and instead quiz you on your eating and exercise habits and tell you that losing weight will solve all your problems?
you yourself consider fatness less attractive: ” I look waaaaay better now than I did in my 20s. (I was heavier then,…”
How dare you claim that you don’t have thin privilege. So you were never stunning enough to turn heads? shut up.
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I have also been blessed with good looks. But I’m going to say its a blessing and a curse. My close friends joke with me that they watch the heads spin as I walk through a room (personally I don’t see it, but hey…) and I feel uncomfortable. I have learnt the hard way about men that only care about how good I look on their arm. I have endured jokes about how I possibly gained a university degree – I must have batted an eyelash at someone. A colleague once confronted me and said that once my looks fade (and they will) I’d learn how tough it is and have to get by only on my intelligence (I thought I was?) Maybe I do have it easier – but this the body I was born into. I can’t change it or societies view on my appearance or anyone else’s. I can hope that one day we can get past fat/thin, pretty/average and just embrace our differences and move on.
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I get what you saying, but I think it’s greater than the ‘skinny privilege’.
I’m a size 8, and have always been petite – so I’m not pretending to know what’s it’s like to be overweight.
But I do know what it feels like to feel unattractive. I’m short, flat chested and have acne (at 29 it doesn’t show any signs of disappearing until menopause). And when I go out with my size 14 and size 18 girlfriends they turn more heads in one night than I have ever done in my whole life.
I had boys comment on my lack of breasts throughout high school and the girls were just as horrible.
There is way too much focus on how women look period – it doesn’t matter if you are curvy, thin, tall, short, red-head, blonde, tanned, pale, have freckles, have acne, have a birthmark, have frizzy hair… whatever – I think we need to spend more time focusing on who people actually are instead of all the things that we have pretty much no control over.
sorry, that just became kind of ranty – I really loved this post
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It seems to me that for years now the striving to be “skinny” is done out of fear.
Advertising companies find fear a very useful way to push products at us all…Since most competitive fashion (for eg.) is aimed at size 12 and under and uses less fabric – “skinny” is the target market.
People love to be part of a much desired group – and fear of rejection from that group drives people nuts.
Observing some young women at a party recently, their total conversation was about their bodies, fashion, clothing sizes and diets. This was done loudly in front of me and one of their mothers who are clearly “on the plump side”……..Lines like “I can’t stand fat people” and “I would commit suicide if I woke up fat” were said as if we were invisible.
I wish these comments were rare, but they aren’t.
Some “skinny” people obviously lose their empathy along with that extra weight.
Some “skinny” people get that way naturally or through health issues.
Some obesity definitely occurs through health issues.
Stone-age statues point to an obese body-shape that was achieved on a meagre diet of occasionally hunted meat and gathered vegetable produce & extreme physical activity and hardship, so who knows what “natural” really means ?
I’ve dieted myself “skinny” a couple of times and it really taught me who my real friends were………men who “looked through me ” as a fat girl, suddenly flirted and took me seriously when I was skinny……..some girlfriends who by-passed me as a fat girl invited me to their events when I was skinny.
I ditched them all – ‘saved me such a lot of heartache.
The last time I was dangerously skinny I was seriously ill and some people were gushing over “how HEALTHY” I looked ! – Fear that I was finally skinnier than them had obviously marred their judgement.
I’ve been lucky that my work & life hasn’t been affected by my fluctuating weight – unless you count that desire to be a Bond Girl or a Footballer’s wife…lol…….xx’s
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Wow… may I just say, I’ve (obviously) never seen you, but with a mind like this, you are magnificent. xx
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I was skinny until 25 when I went up to a size 12. At 31 I’m now a 16 after 2 kids. Even when I was a teen and very skinny, tall and athletic I didn’t get special treatment. I didn’t get free stuff or pull lots of boys. In fact I would say my slightly chubby friend was much more popular. She was chirpy and easy going – I was sulky and anxious.
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I reckon I’m pretty – not the prettiest, I know some girls who are stunners – and I’ve been ‘blessed’ with a pretty curvy figure which refuses to be exercised away. But I’ve got horrible self-esteem due to my twin sister picking at it until nothing was left. I’m trying to get it back but it’s incredibly hard.
I wonder what I will be like if I gain weight or lose my looks? I don’t want to be one of those women who rely on their looks and are left almost helpless if something ever happens to them. I try not to rely on my looks too much. Instead, I like to highlight my intelligence and creativity and use those to get ahead. (:
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I’m going to sound like an absolute tool stating this, but I definitely have skinny privileged, and I’m aware of it every day.
I walk into a room and I know I could pick up the guy I want – so long as he’s not gay or taken. I walk into a job interview, and I know the interviewer will find me charming (as hard as the tone of this comment makes that to believe!) because I’m attractive. As people have commented below, I know that my looks give me a huge advantage over other people who might also be smart, funny and nice. I really do think that good looks are a huge advantage.
Hopefully even when my looks fade the confidence in myself and my abilities (not my looks) will remain, and I won’t be left in some kind of pit of devastation and lack of identity as Beth Ditto (who I grateful respect) and Tom Ford (in an older MM article) suggest.
If you have skinny privilege, do yourself a favour and acknowledge it, so you can be grateful for it…while you work on your other qualities.
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Excellent comment.
I too am attractive (not uber skinny though, just womanly) but have to disagree with one of your points – re: job interviews.
If it is a woman interviewing you, regardless of her age, she is likely to be jealous / resentful and assume you get whatever you want – esp. men and so tends to ‘punish’ you and you are less likely to be found as charming and get a job. I also have found that a challenge in working with women. Not all women, just ones that don’t have great self-esteem and self-respect. They get threatened. Men on the other hand – putty in your hands!
Also want to say that when it comes to women, the younger the women giving me the dirty looks when I pass them, the better I know I look, and the more confident I feel.
Overall, no matter your look or weight, confidence is the very sexiest attribute of all.
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I disagree with ‘Also anon’.
I find men do respond to looks on their own more than women do, but women still react positively to other attractive women too. I am lucky to have been born attractive and find I benefit from the same advantages that ‘Def anon for this!’ has stated above, I also find that I receive these benefits from men and women alike.
From my experience, other women react well to me because I am as friendly, inclusive and charming towards them as I am to men.
If you are finding that women aren’t nice to you then I suggest you have a think about how you are behaving towards them. It may be your body language or attitude that is attracting the dirty looks and resentment, not your pretty face.
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Hello Miss Finance
I didn’t say ‘women are not nice to me’. I am polite and friendly and warm. I am a good friend and good listener, and a helpful colleague, and so on.
I was talking about INSECURE women specifically, who may be younger or older, attractive or not – if they are not confident within themselves, the presence of an attractive woman can be an issue for them. It is a biological instinct.
I am NOT saying all women by any means.
Good looks bring out the best and the worst of others.
Definitely some women react positively to other attractive women. I don’t disagree. They are usually ones who are secure within their own esteem and lives, and don’t see others as competition.
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I see – and yeah, I agree that insecurity can bring out the worst in people… I guess I was responding to your comment about women interviewers being “likely” to be jealous or resentful and to assume things about you because of your looks, and to your comment about women giving you dirty looks on the street.
I have experienced nastiness as a result of jealousy from people in the past in relation to career achievements… however, I’ve never knowingly received dirty looks from strangers nor a cold shoulder from a female interviewer purely because of my appearance…. however, insecure men and women can be cruel so I can see how it might happen. Perhaps I just don’t notice it… or maybe you’re just way hotter than I am!
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I’ll chime in here. I find that people are more quick to assume I’m a bitch or up myself if I don’t fall over myself to be nice to them (eg if I don’t see them so don’t say hello or something). To counter the jealousy issue I deliberately try to be extra inclusive with women – and tend to step back from flirting with guys if there are other women around.
But I think in general, both men and women respond better to good looking people, in terms of jobs, favours and so on.
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I think the point of “privilege” is you don’t really know it exists if you have it and have always had it. It doesnt have to be conscious to exist. White people would often deny they have white privilege, heterosexual people usually have no idea they have heterosexual privilege. But those things are real and you can see them when you don’t have them. Same goes for the privilege that comes, in varying degrees, with being seen as attractive.
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Exactly.
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I was skinny, toned and yes got attention for it up until I was 24 then a hormone disease kicked in and I am now not very skinny at all. I have mourned for my past body I have battled to get it back and now realised its never going to happen and that’s okay
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In my 21 years of living I’ve never been skinny,. My brother is my main bully. He cannot stand seeing me put anything in my mouth – even healthy food – all the while he stuffs himself with packets upon packets of lollies. He wants me to go down the road of anorexia like my sister did when she was 14 but there is NO way in HELL I will let him do that to me, because I look at everything I’ve achieved in life, from my recovery from psychiatric wards to reaching the final year of my nursing degree – all through his insistent bullying – and I feel so proud of myself, like I can conquer anything
You are SO much more than a number on a scale, you are beautiful JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!
I recommend everyone visit this site: http://www.operationbeautiful.com
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What an amazing comment Emily! I can actually feel all that beauty shining through your positive words. I wish I could shake some sense into your brother – I would love to have a sister like you
PS. I love Operation Beautiful – it’s such a wonderful project!
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Great article and great perspective on Beth’s interview!
I’m not especially pretty, and I’ve been overweight – sometimes, borderline technically obese – for just about all my life. Funnily enough, I do get the second glances and I’ve gotten my fair share of favours as well (both are a source of ongoing amusement to my friends).
I actually, really think it’s just because I’m nice and warm and friendly, and I smile a lot!
I certainly don’t feel I’ve had it easy though – and my relationship with my body remains less love/hate and more barely-tolerate/hate :-/ …
x
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I think alot of ppl do warm to a smile from someone (whatever their weight) I often see it as a sign of “it’s ok! I don’t bite” Im also more likely to find myself in a conversation with people who blend into a crowd. Unfortunately I find people who quite obviously have “skinny privellage” rather judgey & disapproving of anyone who may not look as good as they do. This has been the case since school, then work, social settings, school pickups. Of course this isn’t always the case, there are exceptions, but in my experience they aren’t the norm.
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Just because you may fit the broadly accepted version of attractive/thin, this doesn’t mean that you are some kind of cultural dope who uncritically accepts the ‘privileges.’ I applaud Beth for all she stands for but I do not agree that those who do not possess said ideals, are the only ones who feel the need to “find ways to become useful to [themselves].”
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I was thin and quite pretty until I was 18, and then my metabolism caught up with me and I gained a lot of weight quite rapidly. I bounced between 74 and 90kgs for my 20s (I’m 175 cms) and always felt self-conscious.
I did yearn for the days when I could wear anything and not have to worry about whether it would show off my bad bits. It did change the person I am, because I wasn’t as confident to try new or challenging things or clothes. On the inside I was always an alternative person, and I yearned to show it on the outside, but instead I just wore black. Interestingly it was only after I had my first child that I started to feel a bit more confident about my looks.
I’m now 30, weigh just under 90kgs, and have realised that I have a very pretty face and nice hair, so I highlight that a lot more. I also wear great jewellery, and try to show my personality through that. It’s almost like I’m now allowed to look the way I do, because I’m a mother and a 30 year old, so now I can start dressing younger and not stressing so much.
It took me over 10 years to come to terms with my lack of skinniness, but I think I’m finally there! This might be my first New Year’s resolution where I don’t resolve to lose weight… and what a weight that has lifted off my shoulders
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Interesting article and comments.
I don’t know if “skinny privelege” really exists though… Is this another way of saying “being hot” or “being the object of the male gaze”? (And is being the object of the male gaze really a privelege? – I would say no)
Perhaps there is a privelege in not being obese, in that the public won’t glare at you when you eat, or yell things at you, you can fit easily in to seats etc.
I would call it values. If you value deeply the way you look, you are probably in for a big disappointment as you age, and in this I certainly agree with Beth Ditto. Not that being old is not beautiful. But if your identity is built around your appearance, then that is possibly going to be really difficult to deal with as your body changes.
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I’m thin and pretty and have definitely experienced the skinny privilege – although it’s not to the degree that movies and tv would have you believe. I think it is actually that people expect less of you so it’s more that if you are nice, people give you credit for being amazingly nice. If you are smart – all of a sudden people think you are a genius.
My mum drilled into me from an early age though that eventually my looks would fade so I couldn’t value them most about myself.
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Haha Anon, this is so spot on!! Because I’m blonde and pretty with big boobs, peoples eyes pop out of their head when I tell them my job (a traditionally “intelligent” one), simply because they’re expecting me to be a make up artist* or a promo girl. I agree with what you said about being nice – and if you make them last then suddenly you’re the holy grail.
It does annoy me when I hear actresses saying things like “it’s tough being so pretty, no one takes you seriously” or something. Actually, it’s not tough. You can impress people more easily, because all they expect of you is to look good.
Lucky it sounds like we’ve got mum’s with similar values. My looks are completely incidental to what I would list as my ‘qualities’.
* not because this is an “unintelligent” job, but because it’s related to looks, which they assume I’m most focused on.
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Similar to you Bec, I’ve never been skinny. Well not in my eyes. Looking back at photos now(I am 30 years old), I think I looked pretty good. But I remember from an early age(10/11 years of age) beeing aware that other girls are thinner than me, which made me feel less ‘popular’ in my class. Although I think it was a head thing, not an actually thing, as in, I think my self-esteem somehow started to sink, even though there was no obvious reason for that.
Anyway these days, I’m not skinny, but it’s something I had wished for ever since. For most of my life I wished I was skinny and believed it would make life easier. I don’t know why I think this.
I am happily married and my husband tells me on a daily basis, how much he loves me and my body.
You know how we women ask our partners ‘do I look good in this?’ or ‘how do/does my legs/ass look in this [insert clothing item]?’. So my husband ALWAYS tells me how great and sexy I look, and I seriously go on to say ‘come on you’re just saying this to make me feel better, blah blah’ . Again, I don’t know why I do this, as looking back at previous photos(pre kids) I think I looked great.
BUT this year I realised something. I saw photos of a friend of mine, she lives overseas(where I used to live), she has always been skinny and good looking, when we would go out, she was the one to draw attention from guys. Now she has had breast implants done, and seems to do some botox into her lips! I can’t believe why she would do that! But obviously the fact that she is skinny and good looking, doesn’t maker her actually feel that way.
So somehow this is kind of making me appreciate my body and my confidence. Sure I still don’t enjoy the looks of my thighs primarily, but that’s when I am naked, in clothes I feel pretty good. But mostly I am generally confident in myself and am a happy person. Oh and not that it matters, but to my surprise, I never gained heaps during pregnancy and lost the weight easily. As I said, it doesn’t matter, but I remember being scared about gaining too much weight during pregnancy when I fell pregnant.
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I think we are living parallel lives!
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I have been a size 8 most of my adult life and am reasonable looking, plus relatively confident, but I have experienced very little ‘skinny privilege’. I think this is partly because I don’t actively try to get ahead in this sort of way. There is definitely an extra element to this privilege thing – not all ‘skinny’ people are willing to exploit it to get advantages. For example I have never felt comfortable batting my eyelashes at guys to buy me drinks at bars! It would just make me feel ditzy and also a bit mean for using some poor guy for a drink! I don’t think my life would be all that different without being ‘skinny’ because I don’t really rely on skinny privilege anyway
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Wow, you look good for 40!! I was super skinny at school & was teased a lot….so did not feel the so called skinny privilege.
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Interesting topic, especially with this one coming hot on the heels of the ‘for fatter or for worse’ story.
I was quite disturbed by some of the comments on that story, particularly from posters from the lighter side of the scale stating they felt ‘obese’ at very low weights for their height as well as comments referring to very thin women (Jennifer Aniston for one) as having ‘aspirational’ figures. Now I can see why.
I’m not skinny and I’m not particularly pretty. I don’t need a bag on my head but I don’t stand out in a crowd. Some days I wish I did and then other days I’m glad I don’t.
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I think it’s less about skinny or hottie privileged and more about confidence. I’m skinny and decent looking, but for years I just hated the way I look and had very low self-esteem. More recently I’ve come to realise that this is my body and I’m stuck with it, and many other women would probably love my fast metabolism (but I want their curves!), so I’ve accepted myself and my confidence shines through now. I’ve seen a difference in terms of attention from both sexes, still get nasty comments from some women, but I’ve yet to experience any special treatment.
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“Is life actually harder when you’ve spent your life experiencing ‘skinny privilege’? Does not having it make you a stronger person?”
Strength of character can be measured and determined in many ways, facing prejudice based on physical appearance is only one of them.
Yeah sure, so skinny and attractive people may sometimes get ‘more favourable’ treatment perhaps (but not necessarily SOLELY) based on their physical appearance. However, on the reverse, they may also have to deal with being stereotyped as ‘the hot chick (with/out brains)’.
Everyone will be judged based on their looks, it’s up to the individual to choose what they make of these judgements – whether they let such judgements change them for the better or worse (which can, although in the seemingly impossibly long-term, be for the better eventually).
To say “life is harder” encourages a victim mentality and us-vs-them approach. For heavens’ sake, we’re all individuals on this planet together trying to live our best life possible – let’s not rally the fat against the skinny, the white against the black, the young against the old. It’s just life, so as Nike says, just do it.
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You know what? I’ve been skinny (as in Kate Moss skinny) and never experienced “skinny privelige”. What I did experience was people asking me if I “ran around in the shower to get wet” and similar stupid comments. I also experienced people watching me eat a large amount of food at smorgasboards because I was always ravenous and then ask why I was going to the toilet if I dared to go less than an hour after dinner. They also told me quite frankly why they were asking.
While I’m not model gorgeous, I’m also realistic enough to know that I’m reasonable looking, so sorry being either end of the weight spectrum isn’t great for anyone.
My youngest is a pretty little thing (not biased at all, haha), but already I can see she is built just like her mother and I’ve already started talking to her about it, because I know what sort of crap will be said to her.
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great piece bec. and for what it’s worth i think you look gorgeous!
beth ditto’s attitude is inspirational. a few weeks ago i was reading an article on her where she said something which really hit the mark – the interviewer was asking her about her weight/body confidence etc and she said, “i am more than just a number on a scale – i am a daughter, a lover, a friend, a musician, a pet owner etc” and how all these things come first, and how society uses numbers to categorize. i wish i could find the original article because it was just so spot-on.
beth will always have her detractors but i for one say go sister.
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YES! I knew nothing about her until I started researching her for this piece (not that you can tell) but I fell in love with her. She’s brilliant.
So tonight I’m going to download some of her music — will let you know what I think!
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You’ve never listened to the Gossip? This must change! Get the album “Standing in the Way of Control.” It changed my life back in 2006 and I can only hope it does the same for you in 2012. Beth is one of my heroes.
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Beth Ditto is my girl crush and has been for a few years now. She’s fabulous – listen to her music Bec!!
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I am 34 and happily married. I have always hovered around a size 14 since high school and I have to say that I never had a problem getting male attention. I truly believe that confidence and an outgoing nature will attract (and keep) more guys interested than just being thin and pretty. A healthy interest in sex helps too (keep it fresh girls!). We need to give guys of worth a bit more credit and understand that they will see past skinny and pretty if their is no substance their. Xx
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I, like you Bec have never been properly thin, but also like you, I’ve never really been fat. I would argue that folks like us actually do have thin privilege, or at least normal-sized privilege, because even though we’re not size 8s, we are average-sized and fit within the generally accepted ‘normal’ weight range. We can fit into airline seats and use regular toilet cubicles and can walk in to most mainstream stores and buy clothing that fits us. There’s a big difference between being a size 14 and being a size 24 (or Beth Ditto’s size, whatever that may be) and I’m not sure this article is entirely sensitive to that.
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Yes. I agree completely.
I also know that I experience ‘middle-class white girl’ privilege … and I think I would be shocked to experience life in someone else’s shoes. You take so much for granted (well, I know I do).
Great comment.
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I’m pretty average looking so I’ve never experienced “skinny privilege”. My biggest window into it has been through watching my boss, who is also my friend, who also happens to be a stunning 40-something woman who is the perfect combination of slim and curvy. She looks after herself and knows how to dress.
Well. I literally never knew what it was like for people “on the other side”! At least once a month, a male client will mistake her friendly, businesslike demeanor for something more and send flowers or gifts. Although she is happily ensconced in a relationship, I reckon she gets hit on maybe once or twice a week, easily. I’ve seen it happen! It’s flabbergasting! Grown men turn to jelly in her presence.
Women love her too. There’s a boutique next to our business which sends her free clothes quite often. I’ve no doubt they enjoy seeing their wares on such an amazonian beauty, but part of me thinks…unfair much?
She actually says it’s annoying, because she is never anything more than friendly and she gets all of this unwanted attention. But I’d like to know how that feels. *embarassed*
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I always think that if you want to look like/ be someone else, you have to have the whole package. So if I want to look like that model, I would have to have her family, friends, health & baggage. Everyone has their stuff!
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look, being thin and pretty is not all it’s cracked up to be. I am both; but i am also a very successful professionally employed woman. In my line of work my looks mean NOTHING . I had to absolutely work my ( skinny ) butt off to get where i am now. There is nothing more irritating when people judge me for my looks , because I have more to offer than that. I have a very high IQ ; I am good at what i do and i am a very loyal friend /good mother/loving wife. There is nothing more irritating than being called “” that pretty girl ” because it does me disservice.
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and humble to boot!
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Goose, when we ( women ) learn to appreciate ourselves for what we are ( that means calling ourselves smart if we are etc ) , we will be happier and we will achieve more. it is sad to see beautiful clever women who do not believe in their attractiveness/abilities. So lets forget about being humble – we have done it for many years now- and lets celebrate our achievements – whatever they are- good person/ caring friend/ good career or whatever.
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I think there is nothing more irritating than people who think their high flying career/PhD/High IQ is what makes them valuable as a person. That is as superficial as focusing on looks. What counts is how you treat other people and what kind of person you are inside.
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I think there’s nothing more irritating that women having snide goes at other women for daring to state that they’re smart, attractive or good at something.
Daria’s comment was right on topic and everything she said was pretty necessary to make her point – yet she still gets mocked as being self-promoting. How about we just learn to congratulate each other once in a while! (And no, this isn’t Daria under a different name!
)
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Actually, I think having a PHD and/or an impressive career does demonstrate many admirable qualities. You can still be a wonderful, kind, generous person AND be proud of your accomplishments.
This might sound mean, but I’d rather be a kind, good person with a high IQ and killer career than a kind, good person with a low IQ and no job prospects. The ‘classical intellegence’ side of things IS valuable – both to society and to an individual.
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Dear Anonymous, I agree with you of course. it goes like that – I go to work 9 to 5 , then come home to feed/bath/ put my child to bed/story time , then from 7 pm onward I am working/reading literature/studying. Almost every day. So I have 14-16 h working day most of the time. Nobody cares about my face or my figure at work. When people make comment ” it is better to be a good person” well it is EASIER to be JUST a good person, it is bloody hard to achieve something at the same time . We should appreciate the amount of time and energy it takes for women to be successful – when we see a woman doctor/ lawyer etc , we need to be aware that on top of her workload /research projects etc she still has to go home and do the dishes and clean the house.
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Hey Daria, I think you said what I meant better than I said it! You don’t have to choose to be smart and successful OR nice – you can be a good person AND highly qualified. And it IS harder – so those who achieve both should be proud of that. Ignoring someone’s career achievements is ridiculous.
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Lucinda, it is not superficial, as it takes a lot of time, energy, hard work and sacrifice to achieve certain things. When you are enlisting services of a professional you expect them to work hard for you and not just be a ‘ good person” . Of course that is important – but we are talking about looks here, no ? My point was that looks do not get you very far- not they should.
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Yes it might but that does not make you a better person. I do not admire people who CHOOSE to do what they do and then think they should be admired. A drunk on the street is exactly as valuable a human being as any of you. I don’t care about your job or accomplishments or looks. I mean this reeks of self-aggrandizing. “Oh I’m pretty and smart but I’m not bragging.” You should be humble. Humble enogh to realize that your accomplishments have value to YOU but not to anyone else. I’m sorry but I, as a fat, short mentally ill person, with no education find it annoying. I don’t give a … how hard you work. I work pretty damn hard to keep my disease manageabl. But I don’t admire you forsome random job
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I’m neither reed thin nor obese. I’m not beautiful, nor I suspect am I too trollish.
But I am invisible. No one sees me. Not just blokes, but shop assistants, other mums at school.
I’m invisible.
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No, your not, you just touched my heart.
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You can be as visible as you choose! You need to know you’re amazing, it’ll attract attention. Promise x
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Your comment really resonated with me abc. I have always felt the same way. So I did something about it. I joined the parents group at school. Helped out at school discos, fete organising etc.
All of a sudden people who’s names I don’t know stop me for a chat, saying hello by name. You need to MAKE yourself visible. It doesn’t happen by itself.
Putting myself out there is not something I do naturally, and it doesn’t come easily. I have to consciously think ‘I should go up to that group of mums of whom I only know one and say hello’. It’s not easy, but it does get easier. Then all of a sudden you are the mum who starts the group.
Best of luck to you x
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Im not sure its ‘privilege’ but Im fairly sure its ‘prejudice’. Forget that this is ‘hot’ v’s ‘not’ Lets see what you think of these situations if it was say, based on race, or sex, or a disability etc.
Being asked to leave a clothes store because ‘there is nothing here for you’? Being completely ignored by a salesperson in a clothes shop when you walk in only to have the person who walks in behind you fawned over? Been turned away from a club line only to have people further back asked to come in?
These things do happen and, no matter for what reason, it is wrong to judge based on appearance.
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Agree 100%. It’s prejudice.
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I guess I’m one of those people who have had ‘skinny privilege’, I wouldn’t call myself skinny. More amazonian – very tall, cleavage, flat stomach and long legs coming out of curved hips – that I often have wished were more straight up and down.
I’ve been told many times that I don’t realize the impact my physicality has on others, because I don’t, and I feel I’ll be seen as vain just by people saying that to me (even typing it now!) – I’m just me, a collection of confidence with a smattering of insecurity that waivers in degrees.
I’ve been told I intimidate men – when I don’t even know how to do that consciously. I can be reserved until I am feeling comfortable in my environment, then I am outgoing, as I love people, nice people.
Yes I’ve had an RTA bus driver (happened twice in fact) stop the bus when they saw me walking carrying a picnic basket, and drive me out of their way for free to where I want to go when their bus was empty. Yes my ego got a kick out of it, especially when it was both as a 30 something and as a 40 year old.
But being so tall, has been a blessing and a curse. Yes it immediately puts me in the model category – and I’ve done some when I was in my teens, but worked out I didn’t have the right personality for it. I’ve always had a reserve and prefer real connections not fake ones, and whilst I do fun naturally, I don’t do fake.
I get comments daily about my height, and some often very rude, or rather ignorant. And I don’t crave the lime light, until I am ready to go there under my terms.
So yes I seem to have been ‘blessed’ that way. But I am not in the type of love relationship I’d like to be even though I am fortunate to have men display interest. And I refuse to be with someone, just to say I have a boyfriend.
I haven’t had children as I hoped to, and have since learned I most probably never could have.
I am not financially secure when I am at a life stage I ‘should’ be.
And this is not ‘poor me’ as they just reflect the choices I’ve made in my life, because my biggest driver in life for me has been freedom, not having anyone try and clip my wings.
I can’t say if that’s because of my physicality or not, as how can you comment on the unknown? I sense it’s more due to my inherent nature.
So there’s always something we’re not.
I encourage all of us, me included, to focus on all that we are. And I believe, no matter what you look like on the outside, what your body shape is, it’s what is inside that makes you seem truly beautiful, or not!
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I love Beth Ditto’s attitude. I have definitely experienced different reactions to my weight depending on my size. As an adult my weight has fluctuated anywhere between size 8 and size 14 depending on whether I’m exercising and eating well or just giving in to emotional eating.
When I went from 12-14 to a size 8-10 I disliked dealing with both the positive and negative reactions. I had to deal with jealousy from family and colleagues but in other instances I felt really uncomfortable about being congratulated for being thin. I felt like I was the same person, albeit with healthier eating habits so I was annoyed at being treated differently.
When I put on weight back up to size 14, I felt more invisible and I quite enjoyed that. I was treated differently again, maybe with contempt sometimes but that was fine by me. So when I was thin, I didn’t like being treated differently but being larger I welcomed it….?
I am trying to lose weight again after having a baby and have realised that I actually have an issue with losing weight. I do enjoy the exercise and the healthy eating and I know it’s good for my long term health but I don’t want to lose my invisibility.
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Why is it that often when someone is proclaiming to be confident and happy in themselves they have to validate those feelings by ‘feeling sorry’ for others? I don’t deny that skinny and hottie privilege exist, but they can all too often come with their own set of problems and issues for those they are bestowed upon who then have to learn to deal with them.
Everyone has to deal with the stereotypes people place on them and the expectations that come with them and create their own defense mechanisms and become ‘useful to themselves’.
Fabulous that Beth is so happy and confident in herself. Why can’t she leave it at that?
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You should listen to her music Bec. I dont give a toss what she looks like but Beth Ditto has a powerful set of pipes on her!
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I might go and download some of it now. I’ve heard of her and her band but I seriously cannot recall every hearing their music.
I wonder if I’ll like it!
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Gossip is one of those bands you think you don’t know and then you hear the songs and go “Oh! This song! I love this song!”.
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That’s what my husband said, Kris! He reckons I’ll recognise their music once I download it.
He tried singing one of their songs to me but, well, I couldn’t recognise it (more to do with his singing, I think!)
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start with ‘standing in the way of control’ and i dare you not to do a booty shake!
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I had ‘skinny privilege’ as a size 6-8 until I was 34 ( now a size 10-12) and… You know what? Was more insecure, more fragile than I am now. There’s something for the epiphany that I am ‘good enough’ as is…. Me does not equal weight. And thank you universe for that……
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Oh I’m so waiting for that change, snoozy mum! Haven’t much been bothered by weight but I’m currently agonising over my wrinkles and the changing shape of my face. Can’t wait to feel something other than surprise and disappointment on looking in the mirror.
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Something that has helped me is having the belief that I don’t really want shallow people to like me anyway. I don’t want people in my life who judge me on my appearance. I want the people in my life to love me for who I am, not what I look like.
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great point, tripitaka
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There is definite ‘hottie’ privilege, and most (gross generalization here) hotties are skinny. It’s just the way it is in life? Pre-small kids when I had more will power, motivation and time to exercise, I was a size 8-10 – now I am a 14-16. I’m kinda enjoying the shift in attitude towards me in stores and on the street, as in it’s really quite interesting. I can lose the weight and look ‘hot’ again so I’m not worried about being underprivileged
I’m invisible to most clothes sales people and can swan around a store in peace without so much as a ‘how are you’ and can sidle by work sites and road work groups without so much as a second look in my exercise gear. Just glad my husband still takes second looks at me! All that matters really.
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Well, I’m experiencing this in reverse. I didn’t even have a boyfriend until I was 28. I was awkward, had bad hair, no confidence, a weight problem, you name it. I was afraid of everyone and had masses of social anxiety. I was always the shy friend living in the shadow of the pretty, confident ones. I married the first guy who showed any interest because I honestly felt I had no chance and would be left on the shelf.
That all changed in my 40s when I lost weight, changed my hair, divorced, went to university and got confident in my middle years. All that missing attention from men for all those years was suddenly happening and it was overwhelming. I turned 50 earlier this year and have just had the exquisite joy of being pursued by a man 15 years younger than me. How nice did that feel!!!
Youth is not the be-all-and-end-all. Some of us – like the old cliche about wine – do get better with age.
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i got divorced and lost 25kg in a 3 month period, yes it was the tequilla diet. but OMG it was staggering the attention i received and the looks i got, i was called stunning and for once for about a year when i looked in the mirror at myself naked there was NOTHING about me that i could waste my time berating myself about, i wasnt trying to suck my stomach in, i wasnt pulling back my thighs pretending they were smaller, i crouched down and still was happy with what i saw………….bloody AMAZING.
Yeah i got more attention, but the feeling of confidence and the love i gave myself not because i was skinny but because i WASNT beating myself up and wasting my time hating myself i had all these extra feelings and time to love myself, have fun and LIVE.
now ive just given up smoking and im loving myself SICK again!
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I was never fat, but I was above my ideal weight. Then I suddenly dropped 10kg (heartbreak and not eating for a couple of weeks will do that for you). I was astonished by the reaction in people. Without changing anything other than buying some new pants because my old ones were all falling down people were regularly complementing me on my figure, telling me how great I was looking, flirting with me more. And then I got a few slow down drive by stares from random guys while waiting to cross the road.
It was astonishing. Given that I was coming out of a relationship and feeling very down it was perfect timing but I’m glad I experienced the change in attitude as an adult. I know how arbitrary it was, I know that it could and probably will go away again. It has been a very strange experience.
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A friend of mine (mid-late 20s) with naturally very dark hair dyed it blonde and got extensions and changed nothing else about her appearance or behaviour.
Based purely on this, she has gotten loads more attention and stares and better service than ever before in her life. It’s so stupid! It’s just hair. It took a few hours and a few hundred dollars to make the change and that is all. She didn’t get new clothes, lose weight, cap her teeth, get contacts or anything else (not that she needed to, just making a point).
It makes me laugh and shake my head at the same time.
And this is coming from me, a lifelong blonde. It never fails to amuse me. People react involuntarily to superficial features; it’s the same with boobs. Even I know I react to superficial features; can’t help it, I am human. Isn’t it nuts, just nuts ?!
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I don’t like it when women abuse this.
And I am envious of women who have experienced it.
It’s something I wish I could experience, just once.
I’m smart and educated woman, I have achieved alot of things I am proud of. At the age of 28 I earn good money, have 3 uni degress and have bought my own home. I think I am a kind and generous – with my time, money and spirit.
But skinny/pretty privilege is something I put on the list of things I wish would happen to me but haven’t and probably won’t. Along with, being asked to dance (ever), being asked on a date, receiving flowers, having a secret admirer.
I feel like less of a woman because none of the above things have happened, and that kills me. I should know better, I should think more of myself. But I feel like something is missing….
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Thank you for this post- you have out into words what I have felt for a long while.
I agree! I am very envious of those that are skinny/pretty and just wish for once that I could get that same attention that they manage so effortlessly!
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I am a uni lecturer. 5 great kids, super partner in The Bloke. And I still felt weird about never having been the pretty one. Having daughters helped cure me. Gorgeous in a way I could only have dream of, it provided them with enough issues I wouldn’t wish for it again.
Try being disabled – now I am no longer a woman, I am a ‘disabled person’, and many (not all, but enough) don’t see me as a woman to look at. But that has advantages, cause when they start to look, they SEE. Except for The Bloke – he always has, and thats rather nice:) The female offspring have an interest in fashion (NOT inherited) and dress me nicely for work – I get heaps of compliments. About the clothes. Some people are almost shocked that I can look nice as a, well, you know…;) Some notice ME. It balances.
I do know one thing though – every male friend I have says confidence is beyond sexy. Beth Ditto has it in SPADES, but she has worked on it. Anyone can. In an odd way, the disability has provided me with it – I am ok now, I can look nice to me and not care really, and it seems to work. I know, a bit contradictory from what I said before, but life is rarely neat!
Here is the other reality – I hit 40, and it all melted anyway. I just stopped caring so much. And then, the disability kicked in and suddenly how I looked mattered less than chronic pain and being handicapped does. But all my friends say the same thing, gosh, getting older helps liberate!
So hang in there mate:)
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I used to be slim as a teenager and my 20′s and got a lot of male attention and praise but I never saw it as my body was being constantly objectified and ridiculed at home. I honestly thought I was this disgusting creature that didn’t deserve to take up space on this planet. That was the message being rammed down my throat at home and soon a couple of eating disorders put paid to my nice slim figure. While I have always been active, the last decade has seen me gain a lot of weight and I am really struggling to lose it now. I’m eating well and exercising but the weight just won’t shift.
I have to either accept the fact that I will never be a size 12 again or keep killing myself in the gym and with the diet to try and shed a few kilos so I can feel attractive again. I just can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore as I am just another fat, middle aged, invisible woman so it’s the killer exercise and diet regime for the time being.
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I met up with someone for a coffee recently who I hadn’t seen for about 10 years. He said, ‘You look EXACTLY the same.’
That may be somewhat true… but I know I look older than I did 10 years ago (understandably!), and it’s reflected in the reaction from men when when I go out ie. I still get looked at and chased after, but not nearly as much as I used to.
I’ve become accustomed to being side-stepped for younger, prettier and, as Bec said, thinner women. Which is a shame, because I was a nightmare girlfriend 10 years ago. NIGHTMARE. I had depression and a substance abuse problem and no control over my emotions. I can honestly say I’m a delight to date now. But when you’re in a crowded room of hotties on a Saturday night, no one cares about that.
I now have to find ways of getting my other qualities across very quickly before the guy I’m talking to starts looking over my shoulder. Meeting men out and about isn’t really the way to go anymore. Thank god for internet dating and other forms of meeting people!
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There’s an episode of 30 Rock where they talk about ‘the bubble’ – same thing here. I’m not sure it’s necessarily a skinny thing though. I’m not thin but have a ‘pretty face’ so I do get treated pretty nicely most of the time.
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