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by LUCY CHESTERTON
It’s Sunday afternoon and as I write this sentence, the keyboard is twitching.
It’s not a hangover and thank the gods of alcohol it’s not, because I couldn’t cope with the actual cause if I was nursing a sore head.
It’s drilling.
My partner Matthew and I have just moved into our first place. And I thought becoming first-time homeowners would inspire a slew of posts about the quagmire of paperwork that comes with buying something as immovable as an actual HOUSE – made for real, live, HUMANS to live in and not an assortment of Barbie dolls who leave the plastic doors unlocked – or the complex rules of good-neighbour etiquette or even the imposter syndrome that you feel when you first start to play at being a Proper Grown Up.
Instead, what I want to write about is tea.
Because Matt and his dad are in there, drilling holes in our bathroom wall, causing my keyboard to tremble, and I have done nothing but ferry a few cups into our bathroom (a first, I should add. We don’t normally take our tea on the toilet).
You see, there’s a lot of renovation ahead of us. And I could not be less interested.
Sure, I want a lovely home to live in. And of course, I love Matt and I want to build a life with him. (See: BUYING AN ACTUAL HOUSE.) And I want to be the kind of person who patiently holds the cord of the drill while he marks something on the wall with a pencil and nods sagely and gets involved in the construction fun. But I can’t.
I’m much happier pottering around our ugly little kitchen making tea and rare roast beef sandwiches, carefully heated so the cheese just melts enough to take the chill out of their hardworking hands. I find satisfaction in feeding them almond biscotti, thoughtfully provided by Matt’s dad in classic hunter-gatherer mode. And I find a real thrill in retiring to this room to type merrily away and basically ignore the start of our renovation.
But the world doesn’t want it that way.
The world wants me to reject my gender role because it has kindly changed its very definition for me.
So now, I feel bad avoiding talk of angles. I feel guilty for being bored by the possibilities for the bathtub. I feel like I am betraying everything my feminist forerunners earned by skipping the sanding in favour of a bit of brownie baking. And this, I think, is the problem.
Somehow, the message has got a little twisted. I feel like I should shun the sandwiches and enthusiastically take up the tiling while talking expertly around the stub of a pencil hanging off my lip.
But I don’t want to. So instead, I bake and wash. But I feel bad doing it, the cooking and the hanging out of clothes. Doing traditionally female things like scouring and sifting now leave me feeling I’m somehow less of a woman.
Of course, feminism stands for much more than who does the dishes. It’s given me the choice to play with the big boys, or to play with my dollies. And that is not to be underestimated.
But more and more I feel a strange guilt about being happy to starch a few shirts. As a career girl working in TV, I sometimes don’t want to tell my girlfriends about the satisfaction I get out of a great spag bol. There’s something dirty about admitting I dream about being barefoot and pregnant and throwing work to the wind. Something that says I should be horrified when a man opens a car door for me instead of secretly swooning.
And more and more I find myself throwing a damn football around with the rambunctious cousins at extended family BBQs when I truly suck at sports, and everyone, including me, would rather I stay safely on the sidelines putting out potato salad.
Lucy Chesterton is the entertainment reporter for Mornings on the Nine Network and starts work at a ridiculously early hour. You can find her on Twitter here.
What sort of traditionally female activities do you love? Are there some that you hate? Which traditionally male activities do you relish and what would you rather leave to the boys?
Comments
115 Comments so far
I just came across this story. I’m compelled by this subject. I myself find, through conversations with my teen daughter, there is a conflict among the younger populations of women.
Interesting that my Mother and my daughter are more closely aligned on the subject of what feminism represents, that somehow feminism cancels out your womanhood, your comfort in being cared for. Men love to be cared for just as much as women. Feminism is about acceptance, in what best supports both genders equally.
I recognize that women have been left out of important conversations that have shaped our laws and policies by which we live. I align myself with the notion that a one woman’s voice equals one vote. that equal pay for equal work is just and fair for everyone.
Seems that the gen Xers have alot to answer for here, We have dropped the ball for our daughters and the like.
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Of course you portrayed the sisterhood. Don’t you understand that it’s quite OK to cook etc but NOT for a man.
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You’re not betraying any “sisterhood” by liking to cook or not liking to build. You’re betraying your credibility as a writer by the glaring lack of understanding or research into the topic (feminism) you’re attempting to write about.
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This is a silly non story. I think the issue at the heart of it is not so much about “feminism” but growing up, making a start – starting with what is most natural and working from there. we all do that. A shallow article for me.
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I thought that it was about your right to choose from an unlimited list
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Maybe I have got the wrong end of the stick here but I always thought feminism was about allowing women equality of choice to do whatever they want to do with their lives, not about being pseudo men! I consider myself a feminist – I strongly believe in equality of choice and opportunity for all women, no matter where they live or what third world patriarchal dictatorship they happen to be born into. I don’t however harbour any desire to pick up a drill, visit Bunnings, knock down walls, drive massive trucks in an equally massive mine in WA, take over the BBQ, or force my husband into the kitchen so I can be the lucky one to spend my weekends pruning our dozens of hedge trees with a brush cutter! Just as equally, I also hate housework, interior design and do not want in any way to be like the participants of Masterchef ! I have the choice and the opportunity to live my life in the way I want and I exercise this as much as I can, considering I am at the back and call of two small needy children
. If this is not feminism, then please tell me, what is?
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Sounds about right to me, Holly.
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Lucy, keep doing what you love doing and don’t feel pressure to be fulfilling any role! The whole point of the feminist movement was/is to ensure women have the right to choose. I am a feminist to my core and would MUCH rather bake a cake than pick up a hammer! Im also a stay at home mum. And that is totally cool because I can make that choice with freedom. I can vote, I can work, I can stay at home and I can do a bit of both. Our sisters of the past didn’t have a choice and that is what we must remember. There are a lot of people saying screw the feminists and that they hate the feminist movement which makes me very sad. I shudder to think what it must have been life for our sisters of the past, no choice, no rights. Feminism is all about equal rights for women, if you believe women have equal rights then you too are a feminist. It really is that simple!
Now get bake to the kitchen and go bake girl, and enjoy!
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I think feminist discourse is being muddied, and this article is a great example. Of course no one ought to feel guilty for enjoying most anything, cooking and cleaning included (unless it causes harm to themselves or others). Feminism was born from the oppression of women, which is still a problem throughout the globe. At its core ‘oppressed’ means the absence of choices. Clearly you are fortunate enough to have the choice to be at home or be at work, the choice to help with the renovations or sit on the sidelines and make cups of tea. Make it simple and be grateful for the feminist movement for affording you such an array of choice.
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This is part of the shock of being a new mother, for women who leave work for their new baby. Prior to the baby’s arrival, many women have exciting and demanding jobs, perhaps in charge of lots of people, perhaps with a stimulating team of workmates.
Cut to the SAHM’s role, which is a lot of cleaning and cooking, PLUS the demands of a new baby. I loved having babies but I still suck at the housewife bit.
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A timely post for me. I’m reading The Women’s Room by Marilyn French at the moment, and although it can seem a little dated, it’s well worth reading to see how far women have come – and how much further we still have to go.
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I love being a wife doing all the cooking and I love baking and cleaning our apartment – nothing better than having a fresh smelling house all tidy!
and hats where it ends hah not really a fan of washing/folding clothes or ironing.
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You do not have the first understanding of what feminism is or stands for. Do some reading and some homework ( thought that’s what journos did) otherwise, frankly, shut up.
Feminism has nothing, repeat nothing, to do with doing things you like and freely choose to do. It is about having to do them, like it or not, just because of your gender.
Your superficial stereotyping is embarrassing.
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Jane – this is going to be embarrassing when you bump into Lucy on the set of Mornings, don’t you think???
I’m going to jump in and say that I think Lucy is typical of a lot of women who don’t understand what feminism is or how a feminist ‘should’ behave.
I think that is something worth tackling and acknowledging. I don’t think you have to do research to have an opinion or a belief, this is just what Lucy thinks.
Gwyneth Paltrow expressed an almost identical sentiment in an interview recently where she said she’ll get ‘in trouble’ with feminists but she likes to cook her husband dinner.
So. Easy does it. I think the future of feminism (as a word at the very least) depends on bringing more women into the tent and explaining why it’s such an important tent to be inside – not slaying those who have a different view of it to others.
And I say this with love for you both.
xx
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Surely there is a difference between saying ‘I enjoy cooking dinner’ and ‘I enjoy cooking dinner FOR MY HUSBAND’. Sometimes, I quite like cooking dinner (especially because it means it is my partner’s turn to wash up!) but I wouldn’t say I enjoyed it because it was for him! I enjoy cooking for my mum too, and my friends, and my sister, and my colleagues and my grandparents, but only when I decide I can be bothered! It’s not about doing something nice for my man (or worse, something I SHOULD for my man), if I’m honest it’s about getting a compliment for doing something well, whether that is cooking or not and no matter who enjoys it!
I, too, endured a period of an 8 month renovation with my partner in our first place just over a year ago. And I am not ashamed to say I didn’t want to hold the drill cord. In fact, I would have happily paid tradespeople to do the entire thing without a moment’s guilt. I resented the guilt put upon me for not wanting to make the tea, or the sandwiches, or do the errands to Bunnings.
I quite like to bake sometimes too. But only when I want to! And my partner tends to bake more than I do, in fact he taught me that skill. This attack on feminism based on the guilt YOU feel is irrational and says far more about you than a movement. Own it.
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I will not be remotely embarrassed. Lucy expressed her opinion and I expressed mine. She is not made of glass and nor am I. Why do you feel she needs your protection?
Anyone who pens an opinion piece should expect ( indeed hope for) robust response. I have paid Lucy the compliment of assuming she is strong enough to deal with blunt disagreement. I call that real respect.
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I edited out the part where you told Lucy to ‘shut the fuck up’. Just FYI.
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Apologies for the overly robust language but I am just so sick of feminism being verballed or as Lenore Taylor put it in her great piece in the weekend SMH, framed.
It was late and I saw red.
No apologies for the strength of the opinion expressed, however.
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Love you and your opinions. Agreed with Lenore too. Xxx
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I think I love you
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Gosh Jane Caro, your rudeness is embarrassing.
It is clear that a lot of the readers can relate in some way to what Lucy is saying and don’t want her to “shut up” (what an awful phrase to use in a discussion).
An obviously intelligent and well read woman like yourself should be able to put a point forward without resorting to condescension, disparagement and bad language.
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Just stumbled on this.
Jane, couldn’t have put it better myself.
How can anyone can not understand that feminism is about choice? And if they don’t understand, what are they doing writing a piece about it on a high-profile blog? It’s Lucy who should be embarrassed at the breadth and depth of her ignorance. It’s uninformed opinions like these that continue to misrepresent feminism and cause otherwise intelligent women to say inane things like, “Of course, I’m not a feminist, but…”
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This is what women are facing and you’re worried about baking. That’s how you’ve betrayed the sisterhood. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/48105731/ns/world_news-south_and_central_asia/#.T_lcPs2u9hs
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the 70s feminist movement was about Liberty, not Equality. Somehow it got turned into “equality with men”. Do we want to be like men? Act like them? Do the kind of work they do? I find the current crop of young girls who act like men are children of this 80s brainwashing. We want to be women, to be female, and make our choices and be respected for it. That’s what the fight was about all those years ago, I do hope we get back on track eventually.
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Equal pay for doing the same work would be nice, gillian. In that regard, I think fighting the good Feminist fight is still VERY worthwhile. Especially in this day and age of having to rely on superannuation when you retire.
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Equality doesn’t mean the same as. However, yes some women do want to do the same jobs that men do and thank god there are now female police officers, CEOs, doctors etc. what’s wrong with this. A married women can now continue to work, where previously they were expected to resign in many occupations. You can still be equal with someone and not the same.
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Wait, a girl born in 1989 latest would be 23 now, but any woman old enough to be a child cognizant of social messages in the 80′s (what you’re misnaming “brainwashing”) would be in their mid-30′s to early 40′s by now. Exactly how long do you believe people are impressionable “young girls”?
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I like baking. And ironing. I also like the fact that I know how to use a power-drill, how to paint a ceiling and how to change a car tyre.
It’s not anti-feminist not to take an interest in these things – it’s just dumb! Because there might not be a man in your life to help you out, and you just might find yourself in the position where you need to know these things.
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Sorry about the bad grammar. I was so annoyed by this article when I read it, and for some reason I can’t edit.
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I get where the guilt comes from; it’s the thought of a feminist activist 50 years ago knowing that despite all of her efforts in fighting for equality, the women of the future are choosing to fit into traditional gender roles anyway. So they would be thinking, well what the hell is the point? I guess you just have to find solace in the fact that you can choose to do things outside the traditional gender role if you want to. That choice is a luxury the women of the past didn’t have.
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Hi Claire,
Yeah, I agree. I gets so complicated though. Legally, we’re pretty much equal. But you go look in the toy section of any department store – we’re still clearly groomed into discrete gender roles. How much of a ‘choice’ is it really?
We shouldn’t overlook the importance that social conventions hold. They’re just harder to attack and change, because they’ve no single cause.
I remember an anecdote (possible from here even?) of a young boy at a kindergarden being directed to the more masculine toys after he was caught cruising around with dolls and a toy stroller. His mother worked full time and his dad was his primary caregiver – he was just imitating his dad.
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Well done for completely misinterpreting feminism.
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Well done for completely putting someone down to make your own point. That takes a lot of maturity and heart!!
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Where is the put down? I totally agree with Fi.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling comfortable with your gender-role, as long as you don’t let it define who you are to the point where you ignore the opportunity to learn a new life-skill.
Both men and women are guilty of doing this, unfortunately.
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The put down is in the sarcasm, Nicki. It is dismissive and ridicules the author’s point of view.
Also, there are several different schools of thought within feminism, and she’s only misinterpreted one of them. There are feminists who think that women should NOT be happy with traditional gender roles, no matter whether its free choice or not – you only have to read the comments on the article to see that.
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Just piping up to say thank you for the broad range of robust opinions…I love having choice in life but I do feel some choices are still seen as more valuable than others. Like putting in an 18 hour work day trumps turning out a batch of brownies. But you have all made me think about how valid those feelings are, who makes me feel that way, and why. Plus a lot more besides. And that is so important. Thank you.
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You go Lucy! If that gives you satisfaction then good on you. Housework and cooking are not my thing. I’d be re-tiling. That’s what gives me satisfaction. Plus it’s what I’m good at. Isn’t it wonderful that we can CHOOSE and then ACT on that choice? That’s feminism.
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I must say I was a little hurt that people assumed I was joking when I extolled the wifely virtues of cooking, cleaning and serving your husband.
It is nothing less than many others here are saying.
Like other posters I say screw feminism! I say I secretly love to iron! I say give me husband, housekeeping and children above career any day! Stop with the pressure to make my own mark in life!
Surely I am not joking any more than the others?
This is why I love this site. I didn’t think I would find anywhere in this age that posted such sensible commentary. But here it is.
Anyone who calls it conservatve, reactionary and anti-women needs to have a Bex and a cup of tea.
Feminism is about choice! The choice to be a good and faithful wife, the choice to spend our days on domestic duties. The choice to make crafty little sandwiches while hubby goes about the manly work of renovation.
The choice to teach our daughters to give up fanciful ideas such as economic independence, achievement and self fulfillment, because as we all know, they’ll get all the fulfillment they need by making potato salad for their menfolk.
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I can’t tell if you’re joking or not. I was thinking , as I read through, Ok, that’s her thing and that’s ok. But your last paragraph just made me think ,you are joking. Please tell me your joking.
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Ask Lucy Chesterton if she is joking. Ask the people who have replied in support of her comments if they are joking. Ask Mia Freedman if she is joking by hosting this piece on her site.
And weep.
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An article by Mia on this site: http://www.mamamia.com.au/news/jackie-o-a-letter-to-all-the-non-feminists/ is a good response to Lucy’s concern. I think nowadays the notion of what feminism is has become very confused – it isn’t about rejecting femininity at all, but rather about having a choice, being able to exercise that choice and being able to shout about it from rooftops if the urge strikes us.
It really saddens me when women disavow feminism, when it really is as simple as that. Or as the fantastic Caitlin Moran puts it: “Put your hand in your pants. Do you have a vagina? And do you want to be in charge of it? If you’ve answered yes to both questions, congratulations, you’re a feminist.”
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Good on you, Lucy
Feminism is about the OPPORTUNITY to do the same things regardless of your gender, not the choices you make when faced with those opportunities. You’re a great feminist!
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I know what Lucy means. I sometimes feel the same. I did the big independent thing where I carried my own bags, renovated my various dives & was laughed at for being proud of owning power tools. But Now in my 40′s I adore cooking for my family, I sew for a living, love putting on make up when I leave the house & enjoy planning the reno with my new hubby, but would rather leave e grunt work to him & the 16 year old.
Who is it out there making us feel guilty about enjoying the traditional female role? why did I even use that terminology?
In the ‘song’ Everybody’s Free from the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack it says ‘Don’t read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly’, I think (personally) think that’s true, women’s magazines do have a lot to answer for. somewhere it has been ingrained in the post 60′s generations that cooking & sewing & having babies instead of a career & being house proud are demeaning.
I’m not saying either view point is wrong, I’m saying do what you love & stop feeling guilty for the imaginary parameters place on us, & then you will be more content.
Now had me my knitting before the oven timer goes off……
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OMG, are you serious???
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Its totally fine to enjoy cooking and not care about renovating. It’s about not being EXPECTED to like or want to do those things. Women (and men) should be able to explore their interests and live their lives without being confined to stereotypes.
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Yeah, no. I reckon the challenge with this is to not be affected by the judgements of others. No matter what you choose, there always seem to be an army ready to tut-tut themselves into a frenzy. In the past I have found the constant uninvited opinions of others exhausting. Even the process of ignoring them can get very tedious.
So, these days, I am very selective with who I share stuff with about myself and my current choices. All the Mrs McJudgey-pants don’t get to know much about Moi! SO much easier that way
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You’re the one perpetuating the sexism of gender roles by believing in them.
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It’s a non issue until it’s an issue…which I predict it will become once you have children and you realise that the feminism you speak of has not yet achieved all that it can.
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Oh such a tired, cliched, wrong-headed argument. The version of feminism I follow never said I couldn’t bake if I wanted to – it merely said I could bake, or sand, or drill, depending on my preference, and that I shouldn’t be penalised for choosing one over the other. Nobody is telling you to reject your gender role, so drop the faux angst and bake on. And MamaMia, please, a little more sophistication in the debates you engage us in.
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Oh Lucy I hear you! I do regularly wonder if feminism did actually give women the choice to “play with the big boys, or to play with my dollies” or whether it has gotten to the point where it has just made women who love being in a “vintage” female role feel guilty about it, and believe that they should be doing more with their lives – which is strange as personally I think the role of nurturer (the role all vintage women were responsible for) to be more important than any other role in society.
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I am much the same, I love the ‘traditional’ female things – but I don’t feel bad. It may not be very ‘cool’ to be into these things, but it is what I like!
I think every woman can choose to do whatever they want, whether that is to have a career, be a mum, be an awesome baker or be able to whip up some curtains at a whim – or to do all of these things at once.
I don’t have a degree yet, hope to have it finished in the next few years, so I hope that I will be able to combine a fulfilling career with a fulfilling home life where i bake my little heart out!
http://bakingmyselfhappy.blogspot.com.au/
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Why are there so many pieces written about how women are made to feel bad for wanting x, y, z ? I seriously don’t see this kind of judgment unless it’s about women breaking parenting rules or trying to be too successful at work or resisting objectification. I think it’s in your head. Who cares if you play soccer, seriously? Anyone comment? Most couples I know, of all ages, have quite traditional sex roles in their private lives, regardless of who does what paid work. I really don’t buy the claim of this article and think it is actually problematic to act like this is a problem when it’s just not. Women do not get narrowly defined the other way, there’s no anti-domestic movement. Just be who you want to be for goodness sake and get on with it. If there’s some sexist crap actually impinging on your choices, call it. If there’s not, just do what you want! I think we are out of touch with oppression if we think this qualifies. Glass of cement all around. Try being an unattractive woman in no makeup, or an indigenous person, or trying to participate in our society with a disability and see if you feel the pressure of just being yourself then.
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Just wondering why the title to this article was changed today from one thing to something quite different? When I read it this morning it was called something like “am I betraying the sisterhood?”. When I saw an article tonight called “I secretly dream about being barefoot and pregnant” I thought it was a new article, so when I clicked on it I was surprised to realise it was the same one I had read earlier…
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and now it’s been changed back again?
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They’ve been doing that a lot the last couple of weeks – I am pretty sure it is a technique to get you to click on the same article again to get more hits. If that is what it is, it is quite clever as many of us will have fallen for it.
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I’ve noticed it too. I thought they must’ve come up with a better title after they’d published – i didn’t even think about it being a way to increase hits! Busted Mamamia!
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I think I get it – you know you have choices, thanks to the feminist movement, however because your choices are the perceived traditional roles, you feel guilty because of the feminist movement, like you’re somehow betraying it? Don’t sweat it kiddo
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I like ironing. It’s my dirty little secret. LOL!
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That is it! And thank you, because getting what feels like a dirty little secret out in the open has been a big relief thanks to you! X
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I have a HUGE basket of unironed clothes that you are welcome to tackle!
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I love this.
I too feel all this pressure now to be a career woman when I would dearly love to get married, stay home and raise my kids.
Why do I have to feel guilty about that?
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You don’t. No woman does. It is entirely your decision whether or not to feel guilty about it, surely?
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Unfortunately the pressure often goes both ways so I’m not sure if there’s a way to escape it other than to truly own your choices and desires. When I was Ms 80hr work week/Blackberry on my pillow, I had people hounding me to settle down and have kids before I “dried up”. Now that I’m a SAHM and work from home, colleagues question how I could possibly be happy knowing that I was “wasting my brain” in my altered role, and maybe missing out on more money, promotions and travel. Snipers will always snipe – just make sure to wear a helmet and bullet-proof vest.
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And above all, just get on with it. This is do minor compared to real difficulties in life. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. The person with MS, the one who is transsexual, the man who wants to be camp as all the time. Many many examples.
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I agree TrueBloodFan – I would love nothing more than to throw away the stresses of work life (client stresses that literally do not affect my life), and have stresses of marriage, mortgages, children (stresses that are important)… And for some reason I feel guilty about this!!!
When I talk about it to friends (mind you, some with children) I am shunned!! I get given every reason why not to, and why some would LOOOOVVVEEE to be back at work again, contributing to the household. My theory – I grew it, I bred it, I baked it, I cleaned it, I cooked it, I ironed it = CONTRIBUTION.
Feminists – rather, Modern Society – have drilled into our heads from when we were little what we wanted to be when we grew up – we had careers drilled into us from the get go (mind you, the tooth fairy wasn’t really an option I guess…), so to deter from what is now ‘the norm’ is so strange to some… Its not all like what you see on Mad Men!!
Screw you feminists. This is my choice to make not yours.
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You don’t have to feel guilty at all. But you may want to consider the risks of putting yourself in a position where you’ll be totally financially dependant on your husband. No one’s trying to say you should or shouldn’t be doing something- they’re trying to warn you that it may turn out to be a tight corner you’re backing yourself into there. That is all.
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No point feeling guilty about doing what you enjoy. Now if you do all these things with a sense of obligation or resentment and your partner expects it despite you both working then you have a problem. But if you enjoy it then enjoy it.
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I am so glad to hear this. Like you Lucy, I too enjoy keeping house for my husband, ironing his shirts and baking him little treats to come home to after a hard day’s work.
It’s so good to see a post and a web site that celebrates womens’ TRUE roles.
For a while my daughter talked about wanting to be a doctor, but I’m working hard to get that silly thought out of her head. Goodness, she’s even saying she wants to go to university.
Like me, I want her to know the joys of looking after a house and serving a loving man, and one day raising children. You don’t need university to teach you that! Only a good role model like a stay at home mum.
Those damned feminists have taken so much away from us. I say women, back to the kitchen! Reclaim your true vocation!
Thanks mamamia for supporting us.
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You are joking right?
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Ha I nearly got on my angry horse and blasted this person, but I’m going to assume it’s sarcasm.
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That said, assuming this IS sarcasm, it’s a little harsh. If making tea and sandwiches for her man makes Lucy happy, I think that’s really nice (assuming their relationship is actually a healthy one based on mutual respect and equality)… and more women should feel comfortable admitting it if they feel the same way.
The article and what it implies about feminism is a different matter.
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The whole point of feminism, I thought, was that women had a choice. There is no one RIGHT way to be in the world. If some women feel fulfilled by being at home — that’s their choice. Same for men who long to be househusbands.
Enough with the sarcasm.
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Go happy housewife go! lol
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Woah! Just had a small heart attack! Much relief when I realised it was a JOKE…
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Rexi – great comments. I’ve already passed mine onto Lucy, but I’ve actually observed a massive swing towards females embracing traditional female pursuits in the past 5-10 years or so. Baking, knitting, book clubs, it’s all totally cool. In the inner west alone, many of my friends are part of the rockabilly subculture, and often put their money where their mouth is re gender roles, never be seen dead without a slick of red lippie. As a proud, loud feminist, I don’t expect other women to relinquish their favoured girlie pastimes at all. Personally, I couldn’t be arsed renovating anymore OR baking. I DO think women who depend on men to provide for life do so at their peril. My mother had to do factory labour and all kinds of humiliating stuff when Dad left her around 40 for a much yonger version of her. Screw that. I’m fiercely proud of the life skills I’ve amassed. I don’t amass them in the name of feminism, but independence. Because NO woman can rely on a man hanging around for life. But do whatever turns your crank, peeps.
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So agree!
It’s lovely to want to provide a beautiful and comfortable home for the man you love. I think that’s pretty natural. I’d say we’re probably biologically driven to want to make muffins for the man we love. And of course it feels nice to have him do all the “hard” stuff like the renos and the lawn and taking care of the insurance and putting the bins out.
But DAMN are you putting yourself into a perilous position. If something were to happen to him, or heaven forbid the relationship breaks down, do you really want to be clueless and unable to provide for yourself and your kids?
I’d like nothing more than to quit work for a while and potter around home, baking and washing and making the house beautiful. Work is hard. And tiring. And I don’t like the drive. And it’s such a pain getting up at six every day! It would be much easier to throw in the towel and look after things at home while my partner tackles the rat race on my behalf.
But I’ll be damned if I have to ask him for money for things, or be left crying and desperate when we break up and I don’t know when the rates are due.
I don’t think eschewing feminism is some big socio-cultural-political statement. I think it’s taking the easy way out. Because being present in all aspects of your life is hard (almost as hard as hanging your own goddamn picture frames). But independence (if you need to exercise it someday) is priceless!
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Ugh. You obviously have no idea what feminism is about. And what’s this about feminism giving you the choice “to play with the big boys” – how utterly reductive and dismissive of feminism’s contributions to women’s lives.
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No!!!! It’s about the choice. The freedom to choose! So if you are happy to make the sandwiches and tea, then make away. I would be. I can use a drill and tile a room, but I choose not to.
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Actually on reflection, I’m a bit pissed off about this article. Within it, you linked to another MamaMia article which quite clearly and eloquently summed up the very real current issue of women eschewing feminism because if its bad reputation- which is, basically, the idea that women have to be anything other than an advocate of equal rights to be a feminist. That’s the crap idea that leads to people like Jackie O and Lady Gaga saying they’re not feminist. That idea is the premise of your article.
I don’t want to invalidate your feelings- I can understand where you’re coming from. But you are perpetuating an understanding of feminism that is damaging and which needs to be changed. You’re not “betraying the sisterhood” by preferring baking to tiling! But you’re definitely not doing the sisterhood any favours by writing about feeling guilty for doing the things you love because of feminism.
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I’m genuinely depressed at the calibre of posts on here at the moment. I feel as though I’m reading a low grade womens magazine. It’s 2012, right?
Mamamia team, please lift the topics on here. I’m drowning in oestrogen.
Edit – Oh my goodness, now the title has changed to something utterly depressing. I think I’m just about ready to pull the plug on this place.
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Hi Anna – genuine question – Why is the title “utterly depressing”? If this IS what the author dreams about it, who is anyone to criticise!?
THAT is her WHOLE point! That feminism has meant women HAVE choices they never used to have but that the REALITY of it is that if people choose “old fashioned” things with regards to dating / work / raising kids etc then they are made fun of / disrespected / abused / attacked.
Sorry if I don’t make sense, hope you understand what I am saying, am in the middle of dealing with a hyped up toddler who doesn’t want to go to bed!
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Hi Phoodie,
I just think it’s a cliche that’s not helpful. This whole post is a bit odd. We’ve got someone saying that she doesn’t like renovating and seems to be asking if her gender is driving this. I’d say it’s just because she doesn’t like renovating.
Why doesn’t she like renovating? Who knows? Does she not like getting dirty? Is she small and not physically strong? Does she not like working with her hands? Is this anything to do with gender or just personal preference?
Barefoot & pregnant is one step away from the saying ‘barefoot, pregnant & in the kitchen’ which is a lovely sexist phrase meaning that women should be just there and not out in the world at large.
The writer can make all the choices she likes, I think that the navel gazing over why she doesn’t like renovating & prefers cooking is just that. A choice. A personal preference.
I’m done with the ‘choices’ theme on here. It’s not new. It’s getting really tiresome. Other than us all saying, “Yes, isn’t it great that we are individuals” I fail to see what else there is to say. As I said, it’s 2012. I like to think we’ve moved on.
We need some fresh ideas on this site.
Good luck with the toddler wrangling.
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Thanks for replying!
Toddleer asleep (and me eating pizza!) Woo hook!!
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I’m assuming they change the title to get more views/replies? They did it at least 3 times yesterday with Chris’ birthday article and I kept clicking the comments on the side thinking I was going to read a new article. Just happened to me again with this one.
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Hi guys,
The headlines and the pictures that are attached to stories do change around during the day sometimes. The beauty of working online is that we can change our minds if we come up with a better or more exciting idea. That’s all it is.
Jamila (Managing Ed)
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Thanks for clearing that up Jamila.
Curioser (Boss Mama)
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But it’s rewriting history. And it can get very confusing for the readers if someone has made a comment based on the title of the article, and then the title gets changed resulting in the comment not making any sense.
You need to get the title of the article right the first time around or just live with a title that you felt on reflection could have been better.
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I agree with passing through (as you’ll see from my post above). I don’t like the titles being changed, and changed back again, throughout the course of a day. Just because it’s online and you can change it, doesn’t mean you should. It’s confusing and annoying for those of us who have already read the article under its original title. Thanks…
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I think that the key is these days we have a choice to do these things, where before gender roles were just assumed without a choice. I’m a stay at home Mum, I love to bake and potter around in my home. It’s what I enjoy doing, and my husbands not forcing me to do it.
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My husband has never been near a drill, nor would he be able to renovate to save himself. However, I have never heard him beat himself up about it, or consider himself anything less than a ‘real man’. Men just seem to do whatever they want (and don’t do what they don’t want to do) without over analysing it – maybe that is something we can learn from them!
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Xanadu, and Edie-Louise, I know exactly what you mean, and that’s what I probably haven’t expressed clearly enough. I feel like the message I believe in, that feminism is about having (and appreciating) the choice and confidence to do whatever we choose regardless of gender, is being twisted so I DO feel bad about doing traditionally female things. I feel like the message has been hijacked and reinterpreted to make me feel like I HAVE to do certain things. Like it is more worthwhile for me to build than bake. I know that’s not the true message women fought for, which is why I too, despair! It’s become so confused I feel like I’m dammed if I do…and dammed if I don’t….! But then again, I am prone to overthinking as I am sure you have noticed…!
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Great article Lucy!
As you so eloquently said, feminism is about having the CHOICE to do what you want, and if that’s baking and being barefoot and pregnant, then so be it!
I totally get where you’re coming from though re: feeling as though you can’t say that your choice is to do the cooking and washing as opposed to the tiling or whatever, and I agree. I find some people say “it’s all about the choice” but then when your choice is not what they would choose, they get snarky!
I’m with you, I worked in banks and architectural offices and large corporations all over the world before I had my kids and started my food blog, and I can tell you WITHOUT DOUBT (OR SHAME!!!!) I am definitely the happiest and most satisfied now, doing what I LOVE!
xxx
Phoodie
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phoodietweets, you should have written this piece! You just summed it up PERFECTLY. Nail, head, hit. Thank you!
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Good grief Charlie Brown, I find these “I’m failing feminism because I like to bake cupcakes” articles very very annoying!
Do women really have such a lack of understanding of what the ladies’ fought for back in the day, and what feminism is all about? I despair.
Confession: Sometimes this feminist will lift the lid on the washing machine because I get great satisfaction from watching the dirty things get nice and clean. = the last time I checked, I was *still* a feminist.
If you like to bake, then bake. If you aspire to build a deck (like I am currently doing) then do that. Or both. There’s no guilt to be had! : )
Feminism is about doing whatever the hell you want to do as a girl/woman and not being bound by societal expectations.
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Fully agree, it also means that my husband can cook and work out the colours to decorate our new house while i fiddle with networking our computers/TV’s and so on.
The only time we have had to give in to our gender has been when strength and height is involved. He is over 6ft and i just reach 5ft.
I don’t like cemeting sorry concreting (who cares) and he hates doing the washng.
As long as he isnt working every minute while you are resting, that seems unfair.
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Lucy, have you thought it might have something to do with the fact that you work for Channel 9 – the most blokey channel on Oz TV.
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When we renovated, 2 houses, I was banned from any actual drilling, banging and eventually after some truly epic fails, painting! Did I mind? Not one bit. I chose the colours and bits and bobs and happily made tea and bought Woolworths cookies to help keep his strength up.
However, my gorgeous daughter knows all there is to know about cornices and angles and can drill a hole worthy of a block contestant any old day
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Is that you mum?
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I think if you like renovating, renovate. If you like baking, bake. If you like renovating while baking , do it. Whatever makes you happy.
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