Rick Morton
by RICK MORTON
I was about to cross the road recently when a passing bus mirror shaved past my face and led me to experience my first near-death moment since I’d become an adult.
My life did what it was supposed to do: not end, and flashed before my eyes.
Starting university, graduating high school, first love, last kiss … pen licence. Record scratch. Excuse me?
I went to a Catholic Primary school and we were already rather more fond of pomp and ceremony than we ought to be. But I remember the day our beginning class of Year Seven were handed our pen licences like it was a bloomin’ coronation.
The teacher slow-stepped into the room (were bagpipes playing? I can’t remember. Probably) and turned at right angles to face us like a lead in the Scottish Military Tattoo. Her face was grave, burdened with the responsibility of inducting us into the pen licence hall of fame.
A year before we’d been grunts, pencil-pushers in Year Six fantasising about writing in ink. We moaned and we begged our teacher: ‘but we’re responsible‘ we petitioned, irresponsibly. Someone had Blu-Tac up their nose.
The Year Six teacher stared solemnly. He knew we weren’t ready. Johnson had stuck a ruler in a fan not two days ago, damn it!
I couldn’t wait to get out of that lead infirmary. Just a few years before we’d had a teacher who had banned pencil sharpeners. She stalked the aisles between desks with a Stanley knife, brutally hacking our HBs until the tip was blunt and fatter than a pipe cleaner.
I couldn’t write like that. I needed the ink. Nobody could hack my pen.
So there we were before our Year Seven teacher as she was about to make her announcement, on our best behaviour. Did we have to kneel when she gave us our pen licence? Would she anoint our shoulders with a two-handed blade like knights?
“You may all now write with pens instead of pencils,” she told us at once.
The composure in the room cracked like good porcelain on a bad tile.
We’d made it. And we were unjustifiably proud.
Alright, be honest, what pathetic achievements are you most proud of?
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Comments
141 Comments so far
I want to admit something… I never got my pen license. Although, I still used one for just about everything after about year 6. Funny how things turned out that way.
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In year 6 I got female sports captain for my team. Because there weren’t any other year 6 girls in the team.
Was also pretty successful at primary sports carnivals when first three place getters would make it away to the next level. Always got third and would make it away. Mum would never take me though, apparently getting third and making it to the next level isn’t good enough for her when there is only three people in the race..
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At quite a prestigious private girls school, I was awarded the most detentions in one term ever!
I averaged 3 per week, after that the teachers kind of gave up, I hated them, they hated me so we were equal.
And in case you were wondering what they were for; really awful behaviour like not wearing my hat out of school grounds, forgetting my sports uniform, having library books overdue…. Yeah really major misdemeanors. Thank goodness I ended up leaving (Managed to get expelled), and went to a wonderful co Ed school, where I never had any detentions in the 4 years I was there.
Hmmmmm makes you wonder!!!!
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First one in my class (I think year 5???) to receive my pen license. I am 34 now and still boast about this every now and then! Even mentioned it to my 8 year old just last week.
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My dad won the Easter bonnet parade at my preschool (circa 1991) wearing his motorbike helmet that we had splattered with paint and stuck a chicken on top of. We were pretty stoked with that!
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What about sewing machine licences? I never got mine …
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In Year One I won a $1 gift voucher for the tuckshop for ordering politely. This was 1990, $1 was a mountain of cash.
The lovely head teacher asked me what I was going to spend it on, and I politely advised that I was going to buy a paddle pop for both myself and my little sister.
Lesson learnt – it definitely pays to be nice!
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I was the second last child in my year four class to get mine ( appalling writing) well it was my only B all through school, grrrrrrrrr
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Handwriting is the one subject I almost consistently failed at school.
Fortunately I prefer writing in pencil.
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I remember receiving a holy card at assembly whilst in primary school for good behaviour… it must have been about class 4, ’cause before that I was a right little sh*t
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At my primary school we received our pen licences in Grade 6. On the last day of Grade 5 my teacher approached me at the end of the school day and gave me my certificate. I was so friggen rapt.
I wasn’t allowed to tell anybody I got it early but I didn’t care, I was just so proud that my year of writing exceptionally neatly – always careful to properly erase any mistakes and to make sure my joining was perfect had finally paid off.
I didn’t realise at the time that I couldn’t really put the certificate to any use until the start of the next school year anyway.
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My greatest (pathetic) achievement? Best female on ground in my primary school mixed softball team… I was the only female in the team
Funnily enough, I also won best player of the season.
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Pen licence? Bunsen burner licence? What universe did this all happen in??? At some random return for a new school year I got a “take out your pens” instead of “take out your pencils”. As for bunsen burners, all we got was a first-day-in-the-lab demo from the cranky Science teacher about exactly how flammable our new school uniform skirts were (yeah, nylon was a top idea, Mrs Deputy Principal and Fashion Victim) – it’s seared in my memory (as well as partly on the ceiling tiles). We spent at least a term ducking down behind the benches, having nominated the person with the longest arms in the class to turn the things on.
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I was the narrator in the school nativity play in Grade 3 and I got to keep the story book the teacher had made that I narrated from. HUGE!
I also was one of 2 who represented my school in a penmanship competition when we lived in LA when I was in Grade 5. I missed out on passing to the next level because I wrote my numbers the size of capital letters, in the Australian school writing style of the time, instead of the size of little letters as was the US writing style. Cultural discrimination!
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I remember I got in trouble for writing an assignment in pen before I got my official “pen licence” instead of pencil in year 4… hahah seriously!?
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Laws exist for a reason. What if everyone flouted them so outrageously?
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We got our pen licenses in Year three. Well, everyone EXCEPT my sister! she has been using a pen ILLEGALLY for all these years. will someone please call the pen police! haha
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I could say the 2 times tables fastest in my class in year 4 AND was the first person in year 4 to get a pen licence.
Year 4 was a good year
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Sounds like you peaked too soon.
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I won best dressed teddy (I had knitted mine a dress and a hat with holes for the ears), cleanest pair of shoes and best decorated flower saucer at the Saddleworth (country SA) show…. and hence won the aggregate prize for my age group! Which, from memory, was a book about Australian animals.
Also, won a best fancy-dressed competition at one of my primary school camps, year 3 maybe? Mum had designed a ‘bunch of grapes’ costume for me- a sandwich board type thing that I had to decorate with balloons on the night!
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I won best-dressesed teddy too !- I dressesd him up as a french teddy, complete with a scarf and beret ( pretty shit effort really to be honest). I can’t remember there really being that much of a fuss over pen licenses at school – im only 21 as well, is that odd?
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I’ve never managed to get my pen license I fell thugh the gaps in switching schools in year 5.
and I won a carrot pen for topping te class AND I won a premiers award for science (biology).
I’ve been writing illegally.
It’s a constant source of anxiety….what if I’m found out??
On things I did actually achieve I got the school citizenship award
But it’s the pen thing that gets me!!!
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I think I did that too – I don’t recall getting my pen licence at all, but I changed schools for Years 5 and 6, I think it was just assumed. Come to think of it, I *may* have had to go back to pencil for a time in Year 5…
Writing took me YEARS to master, but as was pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago, it just means that I am better at the logical stuff rather than the artistic stuff.
I have really neat handwriting now, almost obsessively so. I blame it on the years of getting in trouble for having such crappy handwriting at school!
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my brother won an award for asking good questions in sex education (to this day I wonder what those questions were)
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I, also, would like to know.
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Hula hoop champion of 4th grade!
My only sporting achievement – ever.
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Oh man….calling unfair on this one! We had to ‘earn’ our pen licenses and everyone got them at different times. It was embarrasing until you got yours and then you could proudly gloat (kinda like when you got boobs!). We also got rewarded for good behaviour with…wait for it….chick peas. Whoever had the most won a prize at the end of the week. I still can’t eat them given how precious they were then!
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We had to earn ours as well, but they at least started let us do this in 3rd class. I was actually the first person in my class to be allowed to write with pen, which was fantastic until they put that ridiculous triangle writing guide thing on the pen. I struggled for years to write well with that thing on it, until they let us take it off and I could hold my pen normally (for me anyway).
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I am currently procrastinating instead of making pen licenses for my grade 4′s!! They most definitely have to earn it. Believe me it is a big deal to 9 year olds.
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I remember getting pen licence. It was year 7, 1989, so you would have been two years old Rick.
Stop laughing.
Being the daughter of parents who owned (and still own) a news agency, I agonised over my choice of pen. I settled on a Papermate, medium blue, with a lid, not retractable.
Clearly, the obtaining of my pen licence began for me a lifelong obsession with pens. Other pathetic achievements for me include being awarded the prize for the best reef knot in the Mt Isa and districts Brownie and Girl Guide Magical Mystery Muster in 1988, and getting Dux of the school in my huge class of five. Gotta love small towns….
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Indeed, I was!
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Passing the test for a bunsen burner licence in year 7 science!
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Now is as good a time as any to admit that I’ve been writting unlicensed for about 25 years!!
After giving out a few “proper” pen licenses the teacher I had must have gotten over the whole thing. So the left over children not worthy never got one! Teacher of the year!!
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Um ah! A class of rogue pen users- that’s just a call for anarchy!:)
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i will never forget the day i got my pen licence. it was grade 4 – a catholic primary school. the teacher called myself and 2 boys, both of whom i had major crushes on. all 3 of us got our licences that day. i was super excited.
one of the boys went on to become an AFL player, and played in a few grand finals. ah, i had taste!
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I never got my pen license it was the most depressing moment of my primary/ early high scho life
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Oh dear.
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I won a sprint “no official style” 12.5m swimming race in grade 6. It was the first and last sport related event I’ve ever won.
The most pathetic academic award I won was a close call between myself and the usual dux at the end of grade 5. Every one was so sick of him getting best in class, they cheered me.
It’s very sad I remember these things so clearly.
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I lost my pen license?…. twice…
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Before the pen licence, we had RED PEN licences! Until you had one, you had to rule your margins with red pencil……!
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urgh ruled red margins are so ugly!
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One of the highlights of my childhood was “winning” a plastic kite in a cottees chocolate topping competition. I was so proud of my plastic kite.
Thankfully my parents never pointed out that every child who entered won a kite as a consolation prize.
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Being chosen as page turner for our piano player in school assembly. Hahahahahaha
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Today we made it to 2pm before I caved and gave my 2yo her dummy. Sometimes it’s the little things…
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Several years ago, husband and I thought sailing a boat (a dinghy) would be a good way to bond (it wasn’t). We did a state titles at Manly (in Sydney). It was very windy (we needed to be rescued once). We didn’t do very well overall. As an “encouragment” the organising committee gave the last 5 placegetters a prize. Yep, we got one. We had to walk up the front and get our loser prize. Somenow we lost it between there and the carpark (I think it was a CD).
I did however get my pen licence the first week of year 7 without any hassle.
(and yep, it must be a QLD thing to make us wait that long to use a pen, we are special up here)
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In grade two I won $2 (and it was the old green note) for the best painting of a Chinese flag. Presented in front of year two and three. I assembly. I was so proud and still am!!
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Christ Rick, you write with the humour and fluidity of Frank McCourt and Roald Dahl. That was the most entertaining account of recieving a pen licence I’ve read. Almost as if you were all being knighted, such was the honour. I wish it had been like that for me!
You need to write a memoir of your boyhood… do yourself a favour and go and do it. You are easily the best writer on this site. It would be a crying shame if you didn’t extend your talents. X
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Oh heck, what a lovely thing to say! You know I’m trying to write two things at the moment but decided writing about my childhood was much easier because I have a good memory for it so I just have to get it all down. So, you never know, when I get a moment I might do just that!
xx
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graduating high school, first love, last kiss … pen licence. Record scratch. Excuse me
I definitely have to use ‘record scratch’ more in my day to day life… followed by say wahaaat!?”
you make my day Rick
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I was really hoping to find a way to get an onomatopoeia version of the ‘record scratch’ in there but couldn’t come up with a sound that would translate accurately!
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screeeeeeeech ?
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Picture it. 1991. Local netball team grand final. Scores neck and neck. Me, a totally totally shit player, always delegated to Wing Defence at best. Coach decides there’s nothing for it, if we’re to win, I must be stood off. Team goes on to win. Trophies are handed out. Special mention given to Little Dee Who Stood Off, Without Whom We Would Never Have Won.
Greatest. Achievement. Ever. Most tragic part? My mum was the coach. Never got over it just quietly. Clearly.
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Picture it 1992. 17 years old, local netball team grand final. My team undefeated the entire season. Me a short but cunning and deadly accurate goalshooter of some note, regularly rewarded by the umpires votes. My adversary, my team mate, some 30 years older with a bad back who decided I was not fit to play. Politely I stood on the sidelines, quarter time, half time, three quarter time. The game was poised, neck and neck. My time had arrived so I thought (so did the opposition who were asking when I was coming on the court). Team mates looked to my adversary who was having a Barry Crocker, allowing her a chance to pull off the bib for the option of fresh legs clearly her plan all along. The whistle sounded, the centre pass taken a blur of bibs and motion.
I watched from the sideline in disbelief, how could a resaonable adult make such a decision? The feeling behind the eyes you get just before the tears well up, shattered on the inside, emotionless on the outside.the tears never came.
The final whistle sounds, we lose by a goal. The team gather for the circle of three cheers. I shake hands with the opposition, each expresses their disbelief, I congratulate them on their win and walk back to my team.
The team captain looks at me apologetically but gives no explanation. She asks if I am attending the best and fairest that night. I say I will think about it and walk away with no intention of going.
Working at a school fundraiser that night, serving the teachers meals (now you know why I got the umpires votes) my friends who were attending the best and fairest talk me into going.
We amble down the road and walk in, my adversary glares at me. The captain approaches to greet us and says Im glad you came and half apologises. I hear from others my adversary wants to win badly the award.
My time comes, I win the best and fairest. I didn’t feel any better.
As I write I still can feel how shattered I felt that day. I still have that trophy it reminds me there is (as corny as it sounds no I in team) no glory or reward in putting me first and team second.
(Loved your post Dee and have shamelessly been inspired by your words!)
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Rach, you should’ve played in the team my mum coached, there’s no way she’d have stood you off!
I know it didn’t make you feel any better, but that Best & Fairest was yours! I believe the karma train pulled up at your adversary’s station in that very moment
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In grade 6 we had a times table ladder, where everyday two people would go up against each other and you had to try and get to and stay at the top of the ladder. I was second for most of the year and my now best friend (we were enemies in primary school lol) was first.
Well, one fine day I managed to beat her and made it to the top!!! Yay, pathetic achievement!!
I was also school captain of my primary school…big responsibility being captain of a school with 100 kids in total…
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Ah Rick, my nine year old boy ran to greet me in the quadrangle this afternoon super excited because he FINALLY got his pen licence!! I laughed out loud when I saw this heading!!
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Achieving Grade 4 Descant Recorder and getting an A for every exam – if only my effort was on a a decent instrument like the piano.
read lots but never post but just had to share my pathetic achievement!
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I won the award for “most mozzie bites at camp” when I was 12. I wasn’t amused and neither were my parents.
My acute allergy to mozzies meant my face swelled up to the point that my eyes simply looked like tiny slits in an otherwise red and shiny elephant man like mass of a head … it wasn’t pretty (I’m sure mum burned the award and sent the ashes to my teacher).
Let us say that the school never went to that camp again and no one ever questioned my hate of camping … camping isn’t a fun holiday – room service and Egyptian cotton sheets however are.
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One of my proudest, inconsequential moments was winning the piano duet section on a high school inter-house arts day. A friend & I played an awful rendition of a duet we learned in primary school, but came away with the trophy. It might have helped that all other entrants played chopsticks…
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I was the first to guess Mikki is pregnant! (CLAIMED)
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I won the award for borrowing the most books from the library in a school year, I think Mum still has it.
I was also the first girl in my dance class to train herself into a full split winning a whopping (no, really) $5! All the other girls were envious lol
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As I’ve mentioned numerous times on mamamia, I attended high school in the Fiji Islands for 4 years. I entered a raffle to fund raise for something or other and I ended up winning first prize, a farm chicken. Just what every 17 year old girl wants, a chicken to take home, chop up and have for dinner. Good Ol’ third world countries…
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So you quite literally won a chook raffle.
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Funny you should bring up pen licenses. As I marked in parent help yesterday an 8 turning 25 girl talked in whispered tones about possibly being good enough for a PACER license – yep, not even a pen. I was fascinated to hear what a big deal with was and that they have to carry it with them at all time etc etc!
I also thought about the fact that my son will probably just get handed his license at the end of the year without earning it as such. Like both his parents he has terrible lefty handwriting.
On the subject of achievements, how about this. On Monday said son ran the “cross-country”. It was advertised as 2 laps around oval and outbuildings – same as it has been for the pass 10 years. Ran hard and came first. Stopped. Handed ribbon. Teacher then comes up to say it is actually 3 laps. Starts running again. Catches up to others and comes 3rd. Winner gets the prize BUT teacher acknowledges that she got it wrong. No prize for son. Did he win? I think so!
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When I was in year 1 I made one spelling mistake in the entire year and that was only because I misheard the teacher. I was very upset about it at the time.
It was a proud moment when I did expert minesweeper in under 90 seconds.
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I just thought of another one. I won best Easter hat when I was in year 2, judged by the year 3s.
And for a more nerdy one, I got 3 cash prizes in the Westpac Maths competitions at school.
I also won a “Design a Mother’s Day card” competition run by Grace Bros when I was in year 6.
So many achievements!
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I was awarded dux of the school in year 7, had to go up on stage and get award at the end of year concert. I had NO IDEA what it was for and for quite a long time after thought I’d been awarded ducks of the school.
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HAHA I also received Dux in Year 6 (what primary school gives out such an award) … for a long time I thought it was “ducks” too … I was disappointed when no actual duck was presented.
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OMG pen licences! My friend got mine before me. I was devastated.
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Hilarious Rick! I love your writing.
I remember very proudly getting my pen license – I think in Year 4 as others have mentioned. But a prouder moment was in Year 7 Home Economics. My bobbin license! To this day, I’m a gun bobbin threader.
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