Is there a right time to leave home?
Why does everyone care so much where the twenty-somethings live?
A couple of years ago, I wrote a post for Mamamia – my first piece for Mamamia – about why I lived at home. I was 23 at the time, fresh out of uni, and – in hindsight – terribly naïve.
Looking back now, I realise I probably shouldn’t have listed expensive cheeses and fancy shower gels as reasons to stay at home. Ditto those laundry facilities I was so very fond of. Those comments did not make me any friends. The post had me jumping for joy one minute and crying on the phone to my friends the next. Even now I’m still trying to work out what made people so angry.
Anyway… It was probably ironic that only a week after I wrote that piece, I was offered a job that would see me moving out of home or facing one heck of a commute. So I packed up (Mum’s) toaster and entered into the share house life – a life so many commenters had pleaded with me not to let pass by.
Today, I’m still living out of home, and I want to broach that original subject again. Because in the two years since I wrote the original post the conversation hasn’t gone away and if anything, the debate on how long people should stay in the family home is feistier than ever.
And as my friends start to drift from the mid-twenty age bracket towards the ‘holy shit I’m pretty much 30’ cohort, living at home is becoming less and less socially acceptable. At the age of 21 it was normal, at 25 it was justifiable, but at any age thereafter living at home is just an awkward conversation.
When do you think young people should leave home? Is it when they finish high school? When they finish uni? When they’ve landed their first full time job and are ready to enter the serious adult world? And if they do leave home, is it okay to come back and forth in the interest of ‘saving’.
It’s a conversation that’s all too familiar within my circle of friends, most of whom have been coming and going from the family home (or should we call it “home base?”) for years.
On one hand there’s my 22-year-old friend who has her feet firmly planted in the family home. “My parents want me there, I want me there, our house is in a great location and it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than renting in Sydney,” she says. “Yes, I enjoy the organic food in the pantry and chatting to my mum when I get home. But beyond all that – my parents would be offended if I moved out just for the sake of moving out.”
Then there’s another 26-year-old friend who’s recently made the move from the family home she shared with her mum, dad and a little brother to a share house with three roommates she met on the internet. She’s more about moving out for the experience. “The experience of being young and living in a share house is one that I would have been sad to miss out on. I like the freedom of doing what I want and growing vegetables in egg cartons on the front porch – can you imagine what my mother would say if I did that in her immaculate garden?”
“It’s just the Australian way,” says another 25-year-old American friend, who just moved back to the states after 10 years in Australia. “People look at me extremely weird when I tell them I lived at home until I moved here. Here they move out of home from college on, but their parents still very much support them.”
I’m still trying to decide where I stand on the issue – or whether it needs to be an issue at all. I see both sides of the argument now; I know what it’s like to forget neglect to do laundry and run out of clean underwear. I’ve found myself staring simultaneously turning off all the lights in the house while staring at an electricity bill a week before pay day. Am I better for it? I’ll put down on my list of ‘life experiences’ alongside the travel and internships and uni degrees I was able to do because I lived at home until I was 23. Yes, I said that.
So moving out of home. Good move? Bad Move? Necessary move?
I think it’s my 22-year-old friend who sums it up the best: “Living at home is the best possible living arrangement for my circumstances and that’s what I think is the most important at the end of the day – doing what’s best for you and being happy and safe, wherever you are.”
Why then do people get so shitty?
At what point do you think kids should up and leave the family house? When did you move out of home? Was it your decision – or your parents?
Comments
371 Comments so far
Well, if you have a stepparent in the house, your pretty screwed anyways chances are you’ll have to leave home at 17 to 21 even if your female.
As a mom someone once told me..no way i want my child to live at home, this is better for her in the long run, and she will be better prepared! I had no choice but to movie out on my own at 23, i had no father and my mother remarried and kicked me out i had to fight to go to college – listen up ladies with young daughters….Today im 34 and in bad shape.
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lol I moved out when I was 16, and I thought that was about time. Different cultures I guess.
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I am 23 and still live at home with both parents, my girlfiend, two younger sisters and my sisters boyfriend. One sister is still in school but all the rest of us pay $150 in rent a week and have done so since we turned 18. My parents rent rather than owning a house and (apart from the fact that as an adult I SHOULD pay my way) we all insist on chopping in financially so we can afford to live in nice areas and my sister can attend private school. I get along extremely well with my parents and sisters/significant others. Our house is large enough that we all have our own space an we all do our own washing, cooking and cleaning. It works well for our family and despite criticism from people sometimes, we are all very happy.
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The people that say it would just be “too hard” or “too expensive” to move out are full of excuses. Grow up!
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Try having a nice big apartment in New York near the city or Long Island 1300+ a month plus expenses , rather live at home then be broke like a bum paying bills real talk
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I moved out when I was 19. Just a month or so before I was 20. I didn’t plan on going to college (something I kind of regret now, though I managed to find a job where I make good money) so I didn’t see the point in staying when I was making enough money. Not only that, but I was tired of living under my moms rules and I didn’t like having a curfew. She also wanted to get rid of my cat which I’d had since I was a little girl. So I decided that it was time to find a place and be out on my own. I found a nice little one bedroom which was affordable and I moved out. I loved having the freedom right away.
As for what age? Well I can understand people going to college/university for staying at home until their mid-twenties. They have loans, and don’t really have time for a job that can help them afford a place and pay for school. I know some can live on residence or with room mates but there are people like me who would be uncomfortable with that.
However, people who don’t plan to go to college but are working, I don’t get why they are still at home in their 20′s. Maybe to save money up at first, but I work with this one guy who just turned 30 didn’t go to school but makes good money (we are in a factory, but we make a little over 60k a year) and just moved out. He has worked at our job years longer than I have. Why stay at home for so long? You aren’t saving for school. If you make over 60k a year, then it doesn’t take more than a year to save money for your own place.
There are people who stay at home to help their parents, and that’s understandable too.
However, if you can stand up on your own two feet, you make good money, you have no debt, you aren’t going to school or planning to, you aren’t helping parents… then it is time to leave the nest in your 20s.
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I am 25, just finished Uni and actively seeking full-time employment. Before my teaching qualifications, I completed an Arts degree and off I went to work in the media industry at the age of 23.
I was close to moving out with two friends after working in the city for nine months to shorten the commute (we’d been offered an apartment and were ready to pick up the keys, but one friend dropped out at the last minute). Then, family tragedy struck and I couldn’t bring myself to leave home and needed a fulfilling change. So I went to study teaching for a year.
Now here I am: 25, single, living at home and working my butt off with three jobs (two in my professional field) while seeking full-time employment in a competitive field and desperately needing my own space.
But how will I be able to save for a property (investment or personal use) when I am paying rent and electricity bills among other things? Sydney is a pricey area and I don’t feel comfortable house-sharing with strangers.
It is embarrassing when high school students ask me “Do you still live at home?” (this interest stems from the fact that I look very young for my age) and my answer is a subtle change of subject or an honest answer followed by a justification.
At the end of the day, my dilemma comes down to the simple fact that I need privacy, but at what cost?
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When I was 20 my mum moved into a one bedroom apartment with her boyfriend and left me alone in the family home. I was barely 21 when she sold my home and I was forced to move into a sharehouse. Her doing things the way she did made the message very simple: there was no room for me. I would have loved to have the security of living at home while working and studying, but I had no choice. Sometimes people just don’t get a choice and some people have had much worse experiences than me. Quite often I used to resent people that had the luxury to choose to stay at home. I think that’s where a lot of the animosity comes from. People like me, or who have had it worse than me who don’t think it’s fair. If you have the option to stay at home be thankful and remember that for some people living at home just isn’t an option.
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I really appreciated reading this. My parents couldn’t provide anything for me except a roof over my head and I’ve always resented people who have had things handed to them. Never stopped to think about what a blessing this option is.
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I moved out just after I turned 22, when I got married. That said, since I had finished high school I was required to pay a certain percentage of my wage each week as board and was in charge of my own washing etc from when I started high school. My parents ensured we had responsibilities and would be able to cope once we did move out
I think it is such a personal tjhing. My sister chose to go the share house direction for many years and my brother, who is over 30, still lives in a house owned by my parents, paying minimal rent.
Everybody is different.
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I’d really like to read the opinion of parents in this situation.
Having just finished uni (just turned 22) and trying to balance a part time job with volunteering to get my relevant experience up so I can be considered seriously for the jobs in my field, I’m struggling trying to live independently. I am an extremely independent person and moving back home is certainly something I don’t want to have to consider, but the reality is I’m racking up debt faster than a problem gambler. I suppose my desire to eat from the middle sections of the food pyramid on a daily basis as well as my insistence on saving some days of the week for volunteering and other days for rest doesn’t help my circumstances, but I don’t think I should have to sacrifice my mental and physical well-being in order to live away from home for reasons based on principle.
Once I have a full-time job I plan to be out and on my own so I’m not burdening my parents. Having said that though, I would like to think that I’m contributing to the function of the household, and if for some reason I am tolling to heavily on my parent’s generosity that they could tell me and we could come to a point of agreement.
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I moved out aged 21. I love my independence. I do wish I had have stayed a little longer so I could save but living away from home (300 km away) affords me many opportunities.
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I think it’s wonderful that children have a relationship w their parents where they can return home to save for important life experiences (something ive done twice in ky life) but I think it’s a huge shame when 20+ peeps don’t contribute financially to the running of the household in some way no matter how small. Nothing teaches entitlement and codependency as much as a lack of financial responsibility and a few posters here seem to think that freeloading off their parents is more than totally acceptable. I feel so sorry for them. The world can be a difficult place of you’ve never learnt to be independent and accountable.
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I’m 25 and I still live at home.
For me, it’s a cultural thing. My family are eastern European and that’s kind of the way they do it. Before someone pipes up with ‘But I’m eastern European and weeeee don’t do thaaaat’, I’m not saying it’s an eastern Euro thing, I’m saying that the culture my mother grew up in encouraged children to live at home till they got married.
I’m managing to save and still live my own life. Plus, I like my folks and they won’t be around forever.
That said, if moving out works for you then that’s awesome. Everyone is different. People who pontificate the importance of leaving home at a young age are just annoying.
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I second that. Moving out of home before marriage in my culture if anything is looked down upon, secondly I’d much rather give my parents money than pay off a stranger’s house.
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I’m 22 this year, Nov, and still live at home. I attend uni and am not financially stable enough to move out. I love being at home, I love seeing my family and my nieces (3yrs, 6weeks) everyday as my sister lives close to us and my brother and his girlfriend visit often with their newborn.
I don’t feel like I’d be able to live apart from them just yet, next year there is a possibility, but not just yet.
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My family and I did a rather big switch. My parents occasionally live with me. In the house that I grew up in and rent off them. They had planned to do the grey nomad thing before Mum was diagnosed. So now they spend time at my aunts house when Mum has treatment, part of the time with me and my brother his wife and daughter (big house split in half) and the rest of the time on the road. It’s a bit odd when your Mum asks permission to do something in your home which she owns and used to be in charge of. Lol don’t worry I’m not a brat about it!
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I moved out of home at 22. It was my idea as I had just had a baby and my mothers help was becoming a little overbearing (I know she meant well). Plus I wanted to establish myself as the one “in charge” in my sons life. Too often you hear of girls having babies and living at home and the mothers end up raising the child or there becomes conflict over as the parents and the child disagree on how to raise the grandchild.
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Is this a repost? I thought I read this already? Anyway, I’ll say what I thought last time. One of the reasons people get shitty is because all you talk about is what the young person wants, there’s no mention of what the parents might want. It’s all about you.
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Lucy, I remember your post well and it also served as inspiration for an article of my own on living at home.
http://earlybirdcatchestheworm.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/the-perils-of-living-with-the-parentals/
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I moved out at 17.
Didn’t need to, had it great at home, but being the fiercely independant person that I am, got out into the real world and haven’t looked back since. I’m now 24 and feel that I am far more advanced in domestic duties, life skills and budgeting than most of my friends who are still at home.
Personally, I can’t understand why people choose to stay at home longer. But I enjoy my freedom and being able to do what I want when I want and how I want.
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I didn’t have a choice, domestic violence at home, it wasn’t safe to stay.
I think if you have the option to stay, to save money, to travel, have fun, focus fully on studies, you’d be insane to give that up. The real world is harsh, throwing away any chance to get a head start is utter madness.
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I left when I was 17 and moved to the other side of the world, alone, to have adventures. It was far braver than I could be today. I experienced every kind of high and low during that period and realised that I wasn’t quite as strong and worldly as I’d thought I was.
My brother lives at home with mum and he’s 27, although he has moved in and out several times over the years. Mum’s pretty keen that he make the ‘out’ part a little more permanent next time…
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I was 25 years old.
I had few issues in my life, I had alcoholic tendencies, I was using Cocaine on a daily basis and was depressed from a few personal issues including the breakdown of the relationship with my terminally ill father.
After spending a stint in rehab, I made a decision to move from Brisbane to Sydney which was welcomed by my family.
I moved on September 6 2010 and haven’t looked back.
I study at University, I’ve lost 30kgs, I’ve made new friends who aren’t with the wrong crowd and I’m very glad I’ve walked away from everyone in Brisbane and become the better person I am now.
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I’m 19. Moved out at 17, full time uni student, work part time.
Most of my friends still live at home, and I’m so jealous. I wish I could have financial security like that. Living off $50 a week gets old fast.
A couple of months ago my boyfriend and I moved in together and although it’s helped a little bit with the finances, in some way it’s made it harder.
He works full time, but is only on $38,000 p/a but because he’s my boyfriend Centrelink are of the opinion that he should financially carry me through uni. So my youth allowance was cut drastically when we moved in together. Even though I only earn $20,000.
It gets particularly difficult at exam times when I actually don’t have time to work. So have an income of $200 a fortnight.
Which is near impossible to live off, especially when bf gets paid monthly.
We’re doing it pretty tough right now. But I don’t think I’d move back in with either my mum or dad.
That being said – I really don’t see why anyone cares if uni students live at home. It’s hard, it’s expensive. I would if I could.
BUT that being said – It really frustrates the shit out of me when people who live at home complain about being broke. I understand we all have expenses, but when you don’t have rent, bills, etc to pay for don’t complain when you’re income is essentially spending money.
You have no idea how the world works until you’re thrust into it on your own I think.
I think it’s a bit different though once you get a full time job.
One of my ex-work colleagues is 24, has worked full time since HS and still lives at home.
I think that’s a bit weird.
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I left home when I was 17, and I’m 23 now and the longest I’ve been back for is maybe 6 weeks. Originally I moved out when I went to England for a year to work on my gap year, only to find my parents had moved out of Sydney when I got home – so I moved into college on campus, and am now sharehousing. Probably the greatest thing about having moved out of home is how independent it’s made me, both financially and practically speaking. My parents paid for my first year of college, but I’ve been financially independent from them since then, which has made me much more financially responsible than a lot of my friends (albeit a lot poorer as well) but also a lot more employable – because I’ve been forced to work throughout my degree, and for more hours a week/in more serious jobs than a lot of my friends who have the safety net of parents/being able to live at home. I’m graduating at the end of the year and have a terrific job lined up which I doubt I would have gotten if not for the experience I was forced to get in order to feed myself earlier on! In addition to that – I am now an experienced share-houser who loves the sisterhood of living with some of my best friends. And plus, when I go home, my parents are delighted to see me, and I really appreciate the little things about being home (like someone else cooking for me!) Living out of home is a lot harder – but a lot of good things in life *are* harder. Yes, it’s going to take me a lot longer to buy property/save, but I’m a stronger/more independent/less spoilt person than I otherwise would have been.
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I don’t have a proper full time job yet – once I’ve got that nice round 38-40 hour job sorted, and have done more travel, I’ll move out. I’m 24 and although I’d like to be living out of home, for the experience, I’m happy to be at home. Far out I’ve got alot of friends still at home. Why get annoyed at me for still living at home? I think it shows that person making the rude comment has an issue. I’d like to own a house one day. And I’d like to enjoy my life and pay my $70 to mum than $130+ on rent. I plan to move out at 26 and do more travelling. So there you go from my point of view!
Oh, and just to add, I have an italian friend and it’s normal to live at home until you get married. Sweet as reason I’ve ever heard.
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I was ‘forced’ to move out of home when I was 24 due to the graduate program I was accepted into being located interstate. It was by far the BEST thing I ever did. Share-housing is such a fun experience and the independance prior to moving in with a partner I believe is absolutely necessary to be a more rounded person and a better person to live with. I have friends that never share-housed and went from living with their parents direct to being married so that they could ‘save for a house’ etc….I feel sorry for these friends as they missed out on so many great fun times! You only get to be in your twenties, single and with no mortgage once in your life! I still look back at my share-housing years with great fondness and my ex-housemates are some of my closest friends.
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I lived at home until I was 24 and had to move cities to be in my first big show, once it was done it tried to move home but with siblings at school it put a crimp in my lifestyle so I moved back out. However funny thing I am studying online a dip ed and as part of it I am in primary school on placement and there were some other girls from a nearby unit doing the same. Both are in their twenties and at home, I come from a euro/middle eastern background and my family don’t expect their children to move out BUT as I complained one afternoon after finishing school that I had to go work in the restaurant one of the girls smugly said to me ‘ your choice,” I asked her who would pay ,y rent and bills if I didn’t work and she told me I should just move home. When I pointed out I was 38 and had been out of home for quite some time she still smugly persisted that it would be better for me. First time in my life that I have thought someone needed to move out of home to learn how the world is and not to be so judgemental. But each to their own, my bro is 32 and still at home and he isn’t a creepy mummy’s boy.
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I left home at 18 to go to Uni in another town.
I expect my kids to live at home for a lot longer than that because we live in Sydney and there are so many universities close to home. They’re both good students and I’d love them to finish their studies while they’re young.
Right now I think I’ll be happy for them to be here until their mid twenties but ask me again in ten years and I’ll know for sure!
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Our three children all left for uni at 18 and never came home to live. They are mature, sensible adults who can live alone or in share houses. BUT they have not been able to save any money for their own home! So unfair!
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I’m 46 and have three kids – eldest is 17.
I moved out of home at 21 into my first share house and shared for the next six years until I bought my own home. (Yes, I know it’s a lot more expensive to buy property now!) I had to move out because my first job out of uni was 300km away from where my parents lived, but even if my job had been in the same suburb I would have moved. Those years in share houses were so much fun and I really hope my own kids get to have similar experiences. My parents never made me feel unwanted, and they could well afford to support me, but they had raised me to be independent and confident and I was keen to be out in the adult world on my own.
I am looking forward to my kids eventually moving out (I reckon end of uni, beginning of first “real” job will be about right for my kids.) A lot has been said in the comments about financial matters, but money is not the only issue. When you are an adult child living in your parents’ home your lifestyle cannot be the same as it would be if you are living independently, and the same is true for your parents. I really love being with my kids and hope that they will want to spend time with me as adults. I am looking forward to having great conversations and fun times with them without the irritations that the daily living situation can bring. (Who washed their red undies with my white sheets? Why has no-one unpacked the dishwasher?) I don’t particularly want to listen to my adult children carrying on their intimate relationships in my house. On the other hand I am very much looking forward to being free to have sex with my husband whenever and wherever we please without having to worry that one of the kids will walk in!
As I said, I love my kids. I want them to grow to be happy, confident, independent adults. I would never force one of my children out of our home and if I thought one of my kids was in real financial difficulty I would definitely help them out. But I very much hope we will have raised strong, independent individuals who are happy to be out in the world sooner rather than later.
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I do think moving out is neccessary for individuals to really learn how to face the “real world” dramas on your own, how to manage a budget and also how to tolerate others – especially when you live a complete random (but this still works if you live with just your best friend too – hopefully it lasts!).
But putting a date on when to do this may mean you’re setting up young adults to fail. If they can’t earn enough to feed themselves, then relying on their parents to cover the difference doens’t really help. They may as well stay at home and contribute to the family where they can there.
But expecting to earn big bucks, so that you can indulge on your fine cheeses is also a silly reason to wait before you move out. Even those who live on entry position jobs can make live out of home if they learn how to budget – and I think that’s a big lesson to learn.
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I was first of my friendship group to up and leave at the tender age of 17 to go interstate for uni. BEST THING I’VE EVER DONE. I have always been responsible with my money, fairly independent and liked being able to just do my own thing.
I’m openly quite judgemental about when other people should be leaving home…. Yeah sure, blah, there’s plenty of reasons why bludging off your parents is ‘good’ i’m sure, but it wasn’t for me. I had a job at 15, as soon as i could, and i worked my ass off to save for uni/moving/a rainy day. I still got an OP 2, studied hard and i worked and went to school in the city an hour’s commute from home! Whilst rich friends just took money from mummy and daddy’s wallet i learnt that it felt good to spend money i earnt and to save it too.
I certainly think it should be before the end of Uni/upon getting your first job. A substantial portion of my friends still lived at home in their mid 20′s and are just now considering leaving into marriages and the like… i’m waiting to see thet outcome of some of those, believe me.
I think most of my friends have and will typically always be fairly bad with money, thats why they couldn’t fathom moving out until they were practically forced, and have a hard time with it.
I think it also ends up in a lot of strife for many people too, as they don’t learn how to budget, and save and that yes, there are cheaper options to that brand name whatever you just ‘have to have’…
SIGH.
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I had my children because I wanted them. I dread the day they move out. So long as they share the physical and financial load of the house, they can stay. I left home at 17 because I felt my family didn’t want me, and still have issues with my mother today. Family is so important
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In my experience none those I went to high school with lived a home while at uni. We had no choice! The closest unis were 3 hours away. At 17 I moved out of home to start my degree. It was scary but gave me confidence and independence – although at times I did envy my uni friends who lived at home. It would have been nice to have the stability and financial security that living at home can bring though I don’t think that would be enough of a draw for me to move home.
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It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl, but try getting involved with a girl after telling her you live with your parents after your early 20′s. Its a dealbreaker.
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Oh good, does this mean I can look forward to my kids moving out soon…?
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I just think this is a non issue – just do what works for you. Who cares what anyone else thinks? There are so many more important things to worry about!
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Will you have your Mum to live with you whenever and for as long as she wants when she’s old? Will you let her eat your nice cheese, use the telephone, ask her friends around, use the washing machine and not pay board? If you can say that you will then I think its ok to live at home. There is no sense having more than one household just because, but if its just because its easier and cheaper, then maybe its just a case of delayed development.
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So happily
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Interesting. I swore I’d never under any circumstances move back in with my parent’s but I was visiting my parent’s for Christmas and New Year and staying until March when my husband phoned me to tell me he’s been seeing someone and wants to be with her, in other words, he had his cake and wanted to keep eating it. The thing is he suggested the trip and now I feel wretched because he’d been plotting this and wanted me out of the country. He knows I can’t afford to go back, he won’t give me the money and I quit my job so I could go for an extended time. I’m now forced to stay at my parent’s. My Dad recently was declared legally blind so he can’t drive, we live 30 minutes from civilisation in a place where there’s only a bus service once a day twice a week. I’m dying here. I need 3 more month’s to save and it’d go quicker if I could get a job but no, there’s no office jobs where I live and I can’t get to town in order to get one. 2012 is turning out to be the shittiest year I’ve ever had and I’ve just turned 45. All I want is a place to live on my own preferably, a nice job, new friends and going out and be happy but so far it’s been the worst 4 month’s and I’m really struggling as I was told he was starting divorce proceedings last night. I also found out he’s engaged to this skunk he cheated on me with, she’s old enough to be his daughter and he just turned 40. Its going to take me a very long time to trust a man again, if ever. If only I knew then what I know now I’d run off screaming for the hills. Oh and my parent’s are in their 70s and drive me crazy about 5 times a day! We’ve had so many rows because they treat me like a 12 year old.
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I know it doesn’t feel like it Karen, but things will change for you eventually. I hope you can last the three months living with your folks as I know it can be a challenge. My mum had a similar situation occur and she stepped out of the hole and is fine now. I hope it all works out for you x
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Oh God Karen! How f**ing horrendous ! I feel for you
Take it one day at a time and it can only get better.
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I moved out 2 months before my 19th birthday. I now live with my partner and our son. While it is hard it is also so fantastic. I do resent my friends who have cars bought for them etc etc and are babied but only a little.
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My two children are very different people and live their lives accordingly. My 24yo son has been “share housing” since he was 18 and could not live back home at all. My 22yo daughter , although very independent minded, lives at home while finishing her uni degree. She contributes financially when she can but is also a fully functioning member of this household as far as laundry, cooking and cleaning goes. Both my children were taught to be a part of running the house – I loathe useless people! I think my main job as a parent is to raise thoughtful, independent, empathic useful adults. People who can contribute something to their world. As long as they leave home before my husband and I do I’m happy!
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It appears that the young people still living at home want to have their cake and eat it too. Don’t complain about the ‘nastiness’ just accept you’re lucky and others are not as privileged as you (for the record I come from a wonderful family whom I could live with at anytime). Can we give a little credit to the people who run their own lives? This does not include the people whose parents are rich enough to let them live in their investment properties. There is pride in paying your way and living an independent life. I had this discussion with a guy from work who thinks renting is dead money – it’s actually living money, as in living you’re life not having you’re mum wash you’re undies while you brag about having savings in the bank. I accept that I will probably have to pay rent well into my thirties as property in Melbourne is $800k+. I do not wish give my life away to a mortgage in a suburb I would not even want to visit. No, I may not have nice new clothes or foxtel or expensive cheeses but when I have these things I appreciate them entirely. A lot of people say it’s too hard and expensive but that’s just life and you will have to embrace eventually. For now, swallow the ‘nastiness’ and enjoy the cheese.
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Oh my gosh, exactly what i would like to say!
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I agree with you so much except that the ‘ nastiness’ you talk of was aimed at me when I was at Uni I was 17 in my first year and still at home. I went to a school that is highly prized and many around the country auditon for the chance to go there. I was lucky that I live in the same city as the Uni, many that I went to Uni with did not. I was also lucky to have a regular dance gig ( this was a performance degree) and I would be lambasted on a regular basis. A few were indignant that I should have my life controlled by my parents and not live under the same financial stress as them. My family are not rich in fact back then with five kids at home we were barely comfortable, these girls came from interstate but had there rent paid by their parents. Yet they bemoaned the fact that they had to budget food and expenses from Austudy. I never understood why at 17 and studying I should force extreme poverty on myself when I didn’t have to. I still feel the same for any child and my own when I have them too.
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Here’s the only issue I have between the at-home’s and the out-of-homes; we can’t really relate to each other.
I am kinda dating a man who, for cultural reasons, still lives at home. Fine, I understand where he’s coming from. But we live in completely different worlds when it comes to money and responsibility. He contributes to his household both financially and practically, but not in the same way as I do living on my own. He can blow all his money on a big weekend without having to think about when bills/rent are due. He’ll pay it next week if he has to, worst that’ll happen is his dad will tell him to get onto it when he can. If I can’t pay rent this week I get a warning letter from my landlord. His mum will leave him some dinner if he has to work back ; I’ll have toast. The fridge is always full whether he’s had the chance/cash to do the shopping or not; mine sits there looking lonely and neglected…….
He just doesn’t have to worry about the same things as I do when it comes to budgeting. This opens up a whole can of worms whenever we have to decide on anything to do with money, like choosing a restaurant to have dinner in or tossing up between the train or a cab. It sounds like little things, but there is always an underlying tension there. We just can’t relate.
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well put!
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Our children are still quite young, but looking forward we have no issue with them living at home for however long they want/need to. Over the years we have bought a few investment units near universities/inner city. So if they do want to go to uni accommodation will be covered (the family home is a long comute to nearest uni) Will they have to pay rent for the unit? Probably not
We fully expect to support them through their study, but would also expect them to get some sort of job to pay for their own living expenses.
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and in doing this you’re not really giving them the skills to lead an independent life, just so you know.
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If I were you anon, I’d make them pay some kind of rent and make them stick to it – even if it’s a nominal amount that you then put into an investment account so you can gift it to them as a deposit for their first home (don’t tell them you’re doing this). Handing kids things on a platter doesn’t always work out the best…
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thats a grave mistake my parents done that and i ended up pretty much an alcoholic got 4 warnings then kicked out of my hostel moved in to a backpackers which resulted in more drinking. only just passed my degree failed the attendence. i think because i didnt have a job but had income coming through. make sue they get a job and make sure they learn from my mistakes. its better to have a best time of your life for ever than a best time of your life for a year.
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Culturally for my family it is expected that you live at home until marriage which meant I didn’t move out until I was 32. From my first job though I contributed financially (as did my siblings) amount was just over half my take home pay at the time. My parents are retires so they would cook dinner but we all had to help around the house e.g. clean up and wash dishes after meals, vacuum, mop and we all did our own laundry. Except for dinner we took care of our own breakfast and lunches and we would buy groceries for these meals. Any large bills such as insurance we would help out with, I never saw an issue with living at home as financially we were contributing to the household and it wasn’t as if everything was done for us. My parents enjoyed having us at home and I still visit every weekend and still help financially as well. I was never embarrassed to tell people I was living at home. I think it’s only an issue if everything is done for you and you don’t contribute financially as it gives you a distorted unrealistic view of cost of living/reality. In my situation my parents needed financial assistance but I think that even if your parents have money the minimum you should pay board so that you understand the cost of living.
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I have a friend who still lives at home, at 39 – her parents have had several health and financial problems over the years so its a very kind decision on her part.
But I do think you need a decent reason to still live with your parents past say 25 …
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I avoided looking at the comments in this post for a few days because I remember when Lucy initially posted about this!
I’m 23 and I still live at home, but contribute a weekly amount that is probably about $50 higher than my share of the living expenses (including foxtel, internet, phone, electricity). I do my own laundry and cook meals – some weeks I’ll cook heaps, others only once or twice. I am lucky in that my Mum realises I am working full time and studying so she cuts me some slack in the that area.
Like some others, I don’t see the point in moving out and contributing to someone else’s mortgage or rent when I can help out my Mum with rent and a little extra cash. At this stage I don’t plan to move out until I move interstate for work in 18 months or so. By that stage I’m sure I’ll be ready to go it alone but for now, this works for me.
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I think that’s the right way to live at home, like an adult, if you live at home like a child, with your washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning done for you, you are still a child.
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I don’t understand why people get so upset and self-righteous over this either. Why should it matter if people live at home? I will get shot down for this but I sometimes wonder if some people (and key word here, some!), not all people who have to move out are a little jealous of people who do have the choice to remain at home.
My husband is south-east Asian and when we returned to Australia after we got married we had nothing… absolutely nothing. We moved in with my parents (and they wanted us to) for what we planned to be a few months until we both had jobs, but became 2 years. It worked out very well, my parents had a large house and were semi-retired, they also did a lot of travelling so they liked having someone in the house all the time, and the board money we paid was some nice extra cash for them and we also helped with the bills. Even though we paid board and helped with bills, we could still save a lot more than if we were renting.
We had enough to buy a house when I fell pregnant with our first child and I was even able to have a year off work after my daughter was born.
Ten years later, we have 3 kids and I still thank for my parents for the support they gave us. While living with your parents for your first 2 years of marriage is not everyone’s dream situation, it worked out wonderfully for us.
In my husbands south-east Asian culture, this is very commonplace, and several generations of family live in the same house or very close proximity. While this has it’s challenges, it has some wonderful benefits, I could go on and on about it, but I won’t for now
Great post Lucy!
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I moved out of my parents’ home, a twenty minute walk from my university, at the end of my first year there. I moved to a place further away. I get along with my family excellently; I didn’t “need” to move out but I did if I wanted us to keep getting along. My university social life, my job and my new boyfriend meant I was never home – I was a boarder who wasn’t paying rent and giving everyone the irrates with my unpredictability at mealtimes. (My siblings at the time were 17 and 11, so it was still really a “family” home.) So I moved, which turned out to the stupidest and smartest thing I have ever done. I could write a book about the stuff I’ve learnt in the three and a half years I’ve been out: don’t sign leases for places you’re afraid you might not be able to afford, don’t move in with ex-boyfriends (really), do move in with your best friends from uni and solve all of each other’s problems and stay up at night crying when they need you to, do make your house the “hub” for your group of friends so there’s love and laughter and creativity filling it at all times, don’t let housemate’s girlfriend move in without clear understanding of how much rent she is paying (again, really), do lie on rental applications because it’s the only way in inner-city Sydney… etc.
Now, at 23, done with uni and working my first “adult” job, I’m moving back home. I’m knee-deep in debt and I’d rather devote my spare time to working on creative projects than getting a second job. Ms 17 is now 20 and living in London, Mr 11 is 14 and capable of holding down an actual conversation. My parents and I can be in the same room without needing to snap at each other (oh, the maturity!) and they’d rather I was there than working 50 hour weeks just for cash.
I feel incredibly lucky that I have had the freedom to come and go more or less as I choose whenever the time is right for me. But my greatest pet-peeve during my out-of-home years was the idea that people like me, who “could” live at home but choose not to, are “playing poor” or some such. It’s bollocks. I don’t judge those who choose to stay at home through university, especially in a major metropolitan centre like Sydney which is SO eye-wateringly expensive to rent in. So the judgement I occasionally got from peers or even adults that I was simply acting out some bohemian fantasy was really insulting – my parents didn’t give me any money (one of the reasons I moved out in the first place is that I knew they were financially stretched supporting three kids in the house), I worked and, yes, received Government assistance. But the way I always put it was: I am choosing to be the adult in my life, and I don’t understand why there are so many penalties for doing so. Getting Youth Allowance is an obstacle course, and trying to live on it is even harder because of the way they penalise you for earning the most meagre amounts from employment (though I do hear this is changing). While most of my university teachers were sympathetic to the challenges of balancing work and study, there are still many that took the attitude, “Well, that’s your choice and your problem.”
Without a doubt I am a better person for having lived out of home, and I will be a better housemate to my parents when I go back in two weeks. I don’t think its the pinnacle of human achievement, but at the same time I think those who choose to do so – and even more so, those who are forced by circumstances of distance, abuse or neglect – should be acknowledged for their attempt to take autonomous control of their lives.
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I’m a bit confused as to why you not being able to make it to meal times at your parents place was such a big deal. Wouldn’t you just have made an arrangement that you would cook your own meals and clean up after yourself? Problem solved.
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Eh, like I said, at the time I moved out it was still really a “family” home and my parents have always been really big on eating dinners together. They didn’t want me using the house like a sharehouse and I didn’t want to be sharehousing with my parents! So I moved into a real sharehouse. Like I said, it was the right thing for us at the time and it probably saved our relationships a lot of resentment.
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Why do we live in a world where living away from home is perceived as a sign of full maturity? The perfect example was the SBS show The Nest which was not empty because the kids loved the fact they had a secure lifestyle but on the other hand house rules applies. The generation X and Y of Australia could never afford a $500K house as it stands today when 20 years ago that same house was 110K. Also the fact is rent is so expensive in Australia should young people choose between having the food versus paying their rent. Who really cares whether or not you move out of your nest because most people are busybody whom for young people who unaware means a person who meddles or pries into the affairs of others. I can understand that parents would rather have a empty nest to live their own lives to compensate for their time as parents since their children were born. However as the film “Failure to Launch” starring Sarah Jessica Parker proved home is where the heart is but as a parent who can outsource your troubles by teaching your kids their time has come to move out. However my question to all the X and Y Generations is should you break the hearts of your parents by moving out and learning the lessons of life by taking care of there own needs without having parents at their slaves that in reality will do the cleaning, cooking, laundry and paying all the household bills. The real test in within 20 years is whether the Nest will remain empty or will it be full I guess time will tell.
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There is a generation of men who spent their early 20s flaunting their ‘posessions’ that by the time late 20s hit and it’s time to settle down to buy a place they have nothing to show but a few trinkets and leather goods. Reality will be worse when they enter their 30s.
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I moved out at 18 and now at 22 I’d love to go back home. Unfortunately for me though, given that I’m working (casual, but with full-time hours) and my boyfriend works full time, we’d have to pay my mum and equal share of rent, bills and food so it wouldn’t work out too much cheaper for us.
That being said though, I do love my life. I have a fantastic partner and even though we’re “only” renting our house, we’ve been able to get a 2 bedroom place with a yard and we don’t have to share it. Also, even though we do have our own small pile of debt it is manageable and should be paid off in the next 18 months or so and we do have a good tv, comfy lounges and bed and a nice car that was only 2 years old when we bought it.
What’s really satisfying is that everything we have we were were able to do ourselves. Even though we’re in debt, we didn’t rely on our parents and we’re doing a great job paying it off without their help and we appreciate the things we do have because we did ear n it ourselves.
We know a few people who have had their parents pay for everything (house, rent, car, rego, fuel) and they don’t seem to appreciate anything and don’t seem to understand the concept of value for money.
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