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Screen Shot 2013 02 24 at 9.03.27 PM KATE: Choosing only quality friends for your kid.

Katie Hopkins with her family

 

 

 

 

By KATE HUNTER

Meet the woman who makes the Tiger Mother look like a pussycat.

Katie Hopkins, star of ‘The Apprentice’ in the U.K. has told the world she engineers her kids’ lives to avoid ‘undesirable’ children.

For  example, if Katie’s daughter daughter receives a party invitation from a girl called ‘Charmaine,, that invitation is placed discreetly in the bin instead of proudly on the mantlepiece.

Believing under-performance is contagious, Katie Hopkins steers little India and Poppy away from the slower classmates. There might be something in this, reported the Herald Sun this week:

 

New research shows clever is contagious, with brain power boosted if you “hang out” with like-minded academic achievers.

Child psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg said parents need to understand their children’s friends have more of an impact on their attitude to study than they think. “You are who you hang out with,” Dr Carr-Gregg said.

“If you have an average kid and they associate with others who love learning and going to school, that will definitely become contagious. Conversely, if you hang out with kids who don’t value school, are disinterested and disrespectful, then you are going to have a difficult time encouraging that child to study and to be interested or be clever.”

Katie Hopkins is taking no chances, as she wrote in  The Mail Online:

I have absolutely no intention of letting my two precious daughters get dragged down into the quagmire of underperforming children. So I work hard at targeting the right sort of friends for them.

From the moment they started school, I have kept an ear out for little snippets of information about their classmates. I know who is falling behind and who is clearly not interested in their work or study.

My state primary school doesn’t stream children academically but you don’t need to be a genius to work out who is clever and who, most definitely, is not. For example, hearing that a child has finished their home learning book (we used to call it homework) and asked for another is music to my ears. It means the parents are investing time and trouble in their child’s education.

Get that kid ’round for a play-date STAT!

But it’s not just a smart child Katie’s on the lookout for, it’s a punctual parent.

Similarly, I make a mental note when Poppy and India tell me that a particular child – let’s call him Peter – is always late for school. 

If his parents can’t be bothered to get him into class on time, they clearly don’t care about the  education of their child – and, worse still, are hindering the learning of others. My girls are as frustrated with this continual tardiness as I am. Is it beyond the wit of a parent to get their child to school on time?

I sort of get this – I like to be on time. It’s a thing. If you’re late every day, you need to review your systems, or get up a bit earlier. But would I say  ’Give that kid a swerve, his parents are slackarses.’ No. I don’t ask my kids about the habits of other families. Andwhat time kids arrive at school isn’t something most kids notice, unless they regularly miss a good spot on the handball court.

This article attracted more than 3000 comments when it was published, the gist of most of them being Katie Hopkins is an insufferable snob raising another generation of insufferable snobs.

It takes some ticker to write a parenting post so provocative, especially online (as Bec Sparrow likes to say, even the criminally insane have internet access) but Katie Hopkins is adamant she’s doing the best for her kids, believing it’s her responsibility to come between her children and those who might drag them down.

44064299 apprentice203x300 KATE: Choosing only quality friends for your kid.

Katie Hopkins

I have absolutely no doubt that, as a parent, it is your duty to be proactive. I am merciless about cutting off bad friendships, too. I make excuses not to invite particular children for playdates or sleepovers and I refuse any invitations on my children’s behalf. 

I am convinced that my tactics are paying off. Recently I asked India which children she liked to play with.

‘The children who come to school on time and wear proper school uniforms are the nicest and the most fun,’ she told me. ‘If children don’t put any effort in, I don’t want to play with them.’

On the face of it, Katie Hopkins’s article is outrageous – an online grenade thrown to make comments explode. But I wonder if all parents don’t do the same thing, to a lesser degree.

Surely by sending our kids to one school over another it’s as much about the friends they’ll make as the stuff they’ll learn?

My friend Carolyn hooted with laughter when I told her about the Katie Hopkins school of parenting. ‘I love it!’ she said, ‘We all do it, just not so blatantly.’

She goes on to tell me that when her daughter was in pre-school, she would RSVP a polite, ‘No thanks, we’re busy,’ to some a party invitation because,  ’We were never going to be friends with that family anyway. Amy never knew about the invitation, the mum was probably relieved one less lolly bag. Easier all ’round.’

Snobbery goes in all directions. I know people who are as dismissive of Clementines as others are of Britnee-Raes. They go to great lengths to avoid anything, ‘middle class’ as though it might compromise their cool.

Some people won’t let their kids play with unvaccinated children, while antivax families avoid those who move with the mainstream.

When people say their new home is in a ‘great area,’ they mean it’s packed with people just like them.

I admit like my kids to be friends with kids whose parents I like – not because I approve of them or their kids. Pretty sure lots of them disapprove of me (my child is the six year old who sang ‘Thrift Shop’ in the bus on the school excursion to the farm).

Surely it’s human nature to want to choose your kids friends, it’s how ruthlessly you do it that makes the difference.

Is Katie Hopkins the ultimate snob, or just a parent who dares to discuss what everyone’s doing anyway?

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211 Comments so far

  1. Pingback: Kate Winslet and the lesson I’ll never forget | bird's eye view

  2. Sarah

    During primary school, my mum did steer me away from a couple of troublesome kids from rather dysfunctional families. However, I generally picked my own friends; I think you’ll find that if you raise your child with certain attitudes and values, they tend to gravitate towards other like-minded kids.

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  3. Em

    Go for it. Because your kids will only ever associate with like-minded children right? Those girls will head straight for the forbidden fruit as soon as they are out of her clutches. The Daily Mail loves women so much.

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  4. Sarah K

    I agree with Kate Hopkins to a degree, problem is I am too gutless to do it. I am also afraid my judgment of character may be flawed and I would end up putting all my efforts in one direction only to find that it was the worst possible decision for my child. I suppose it is better to trust in our children and know that they will work out the good ones from the bad ones. As I write this I wonder how long Ms Hopkins’ reach would spread, would she also have the last say on the husband and will that end in a very, very sad outcome. Maybe in the end I don’t really agree.

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  5. Michelle

    I am pretty sure that whatever snobby and expensive private school her children end up attending, as soon as the other parents realise just who their mother is and just what she has done (and with who) in the not so distant past, they will be the ones forbidding their children to associate with trash like them.

    (Also, I would not let her within a 2km radius of my husband – a view which most certainly will be held by most of the other mothers at the school – I would be surprised if Katie Hopkins is even allowed across the threshold of most of the other kids’ houses!).

    She may find herself scraping the bottom of the barrel in the friend stakes in order to come up with even a few friends for her little angels.

    I feel sorry for her poor children – imagine having a mother like her! Just think what they are going to find when they are old enough to put her name in a search engine on the internet!! Ha!

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  6. Sonia

    God help her children if they get a physical deformation or if they were born brain damaged or “special” in any way.
    Katie Hopkins ummmm oh that’s right she sleeps around with married men and will sell her story( not too sure what that is) to trashy magazines and uk tabloids. This may not be a desirable attribe that other mothers in the playground want in their children’s lives.

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  7. Sassy

    Wow, so much for teaching our kids tolerance and accepting people for their differences. My son has befriended a gorgeous boy in his class who comes from a dysfunctional family with a lot of alcohol abuse. While I would not let my son go to his house for a sleepover as I don’t want him being around adults drinking, I have no problem with them being friends. He is a delightful, polite child and we love having him over for play days. What judgemental control freaks some parents are….the brat breeders!

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  8. Lil

    They say we are a product of our genetics and our environment. We can’t choose genetics….but environment, yes.
    I guess if you want to raise your kids with certain values, then you should choose an environment the lives by them.
    I think we’d be in alot better shape if many of us took a look at the values modeled around us, from the manipulative advertising to the modeling of how we treat each other (via tv shows and movies) to the level of violence blatantly showcased, to our over consumptive and wasteful habits. All these things shape a developing individual. It’s no wonder the world is full of violence, women are only valued for their physical appearance, and people are numb and careless toward one another. We’ve been pushed to compete, so its no wonder that people are cutthroat and will do anything to gain for themselves at the expense of others. This mentality has gotten us into the global economic crisis, and has produced this wastetip of a world we now live in.
    We’ve been conveniently too busy – due to ourselves being programmed that life has to be so busy with work and squeezing in family, and being manipulated by the consumer carrot dangled in front of us by the profit mongering rich who want us to buy buy buy – that we don’t notice that we are not improving the next generation, and at this stage in the world’s history, we really need to do better.
    If we could instill in our kids cooperation, strength of teamwork, valued group achievement toward society, caring for each other and valuing mutual responsibility toward one another, then that would be a society I would be grateful to raise my kids in.

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  9. Mary

    I absolutely do this to a lesser degree. I don’t worry about birthday parties. I don’t think attending a 2 hour birthday party has any bearing on who children choose to play with. I do use a very strong filter for play dates and weekend socialising because ‘free time’ is so precious. I don’t want my kids spending hours on a weekend playing with a child who has unlimited, unsupervised access to youtube for example. Give that child a lift somewhere and you very quickly get to know what 90% of their conversation revolves around.

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  10. sarahinadelaide

    I think every parent does this to a degree, the difference is no one wants to admit it. Sometimes it is not about blatant snobbery but a disconnect in values, morals or ethics that may drive the decision to ‘avoid’ a certain friendship. We have to be our childrens advocates sometimes.

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  11. Jill

    How very sad. My girls have just finished school and moved onto University. They went to the local state primary school and to state high schools. They are fantastic people with a wide variety of friends from all walks of life. I am pleased that we never restricted their friends to an edited group of clones . To develop a well rounded, compassionate, socially adept Human Being, don’t surround them only with the ‘socially suitable’. Let them choose their friends and learn about different lives.

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    • motherhucka

      Well done Jill. Thankfully there is a voice of reason amongst all this other drivel. There is no “us & them”, people, only “us”.

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  12. Anonymous

    My son started kinder last year and befriended a little boy who’s mothers head was and is so far up her arse that I’m guessing it would take months to yank it out. It became very clear to me through both her words and actions that she didn’t want the boys developing their friendship ostensibly because my son didn’t reflect her ideal playmate for her little prince and likewise I had one too many weetbix stains on my tee shirt at drop off. Shame. I was prepared to endure her four wheel drive, her bling, her blow waved beehive pony tail, her toff accent, and her utter self absorption for the sake of the boys who got along so well. I often think about her and women like her and hope their kids don’t one day insist on the friends they wish to keep, the interests they wish to pursue, the tattoos they get and body parts they pierce.

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  13. Amandarose

    How does a woman who life aim is to be on reality TV ( she was short listed for the original UK big Brother and been on several other reality shows) sells her stories detailed her sex life to ” News of the Word” “Heat” and “Grazia”, break up several marriages, be caught by the media having sex in a field and seducing her married boss make her a decent person?
    I feel very bad for her kids- I hope they have some down to earth friends who won’t hold a crazy media hungry nutty mother against them.

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  14. Sad

    I’m very saddened by this, I was the child that came to school late, who didn’t own a uniform because my mum didnt care. I never had my home readers done because I had too many chores that my mum deemed more important.

    HOWEVER I was a straight A student. I won many awards during school. Left high school with two scholarships. Not bad hey!

    What ever happened to getting to know who a person is teaching your children its whats on the inside that counts. Obviously the parents that do this don’t care if they have shallow children.

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  15. Chris

    I believe that most parents do the same as Katie but are less honest and less public about it. We likely base our decisions on slightly different criteria, but I doubt that there are any parents who don’t direct their children towards or away from particular students. We direct our children’s friendships when we befriend other parents who we have more in common with and ignore or avoid others who we feel we have nothing in common with. Our children usually hang out most with the children of our friends. I think its human nature to be selective and to seek out like minded people.

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  16. Maisy

    I’m going to say straight up that I have a daughter studying medicine. I have a son who is likely to achieve very highly in this year’s HSC.

    Their friends? They have both always had friend from across the socio-economic spectrum. State schools are great like that. Very few of their friends are high academic achievers, but they are all lovely people and my children care about others’ characters rather than their test scores. Or the price tag on their clothes. Sometimes they befriend people who are difficult to like because those people need kindness in their lives. I am incredibly proud of my children.

    I’m very sure they’d both instinctively avoid Kate Hopkins’ children. Politely of course.

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  17. Melbmum

    we sent our children to a beautiful catholic school (yes we are catholic) after my son was bullied and virtually ignored by teachers in an over crowded public school. Now he has friends that don’t bully, he has attentive teachers and being smart is cool!!! Sometimes it just the better option for the child and making selective choices really works.

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  18. Anonymous

    What happens if these carefully selected friends go through a family breakdown and become less desireable? Will their friendships be cut off through no fault of the child?

    Kate Hopkins is setting a terrible example for her children, I am glad that I don’t have to be friends with them even though I would pass her selection test with flying colours.

    The true measure of a person is how they treat people who don’t matter to them.

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  19. anon now

    Ahh she just sounds like a new money social climber.

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  20. Anonymous

    What will happen when India and Poppy fall on hard times as adults? Will their friends stick by and support them? I would think not, India and Poppy are being raised to only see how people will benefit them, not for such qualities as kindness and loyalty.

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  21. Sue

    I would never associate with someone so common that they have to be on a reality TV show.

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  22. Anonymous

    Kate Hunter, I’m with your friend Carolyn I think.

    I think most parents do this to a degree, and of course in a far less brash and snobbish way.

    As parents, don’t we have a vested interest in who are kids are friends with? It’s just a shame that Kate Hopkins seems to not care about qualities like kindness and acceptance.

    Because, with hoping that my kids are friends with those who come from families with similar values, I mostly want them to be kind to others, accept people for who they are and then be able to (hopefully) make good choices about ‘choosing their tribe’ as Bec Sparrow would say.

    I wish for my girls to be in friendships where they all make each other feel happy and accepted, that they will have each other’s backs and if they are going to be the houses of these friends, then I wish for them to feel safe and accepted there.

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  23. kimsusie

    My mum probably wouldn’t have allowed me to hang out with these girls incase their superior attitude rubbed off on me ;) She was the kind who invited the ‘feral’ kids in for breakfast and mademe walk to school with them after.

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  24. Guest

    I remember my mum making sure this one little girl in my sister’s kindy class was invited to the birthday party. She hadn’t been invited to any of the other parties and was often the only girl excluded. She came from a very poor family, her father was in jail, she quite often turned up to school hungry and dirty. My mum made sure she won a doll in the party games. My sister was never friends with this girl, but was always friendly. That experience taught my sister more than this woman’s approach.

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  25. Alison

    This article is just offensive to me. My son who struggles terribly at school academically, suffered a stroke at birth. He survived. The qualities he shows me in his determination to try and be the best he can is inspiring. I hope he never has to face the disappointment of not being accepted by peers who are steered away from him because of his academic ability. He’s kind, sensitive and a very caring friend. I know he will turn into a quality adult and hopefully stays right away from superficial people.

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  26. Sandra

    Years ago I was a single parent and moved into a housing commission house with my 2 children. 62 townhouses in a very respectable suburb and I couldn’t get my kids out fast enough. Mostly single parents who couldn’t care what their kids did or where they were. Mine couldn’t understand why they had to be in at 6 for dinner and weren’t allowed out again when every other kid could. I was prepared to move and rent privately to get them away from the ferals but a fortunate occurence enabled me to buy a house in a semi rural area and they turned out great.

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  27. catgirl

    I’m in two minds about the whole issue of trying to influence your children’s friendships.

    I would not allow my primary school child to decline a Birthday Invitation because I know how hurt the birthday child would be if kids didn’t come to their birthday. That scenario never arose because I wouldn’t allow junk food in the family home (unless it was my kid’s birthday party) so my kids loved birthday parties where they got soft drinks and lollies etc.

    I do believe kids are very much influenced by their peer group, but I also believe that kids from an early age tend to gravitate to the other kids who they feel most comfortable with. And we all want our kids to comfortable with their social interactions.

    I (personally) wouldn’t care if their friends were less academic than them, I’d encourage my kids to help their friends along with schoolwork/homework whenever possible.
    I would however much prefer that their friends parents had the same value system that our own family has, and they always did as those were the kids that my own kids were most comfortable with.

    Re: the very negative comments on this post…

    It’s all very well for people to show their distain and use terms like ‘social engineering’, ‘major snob’ etc

    But in some cases vetting your children’s friendships is just another way of looking after your own kids.

    This is a hypothetical situation but would one want their own nine year old daughter ‘Susie’ having sleepovers with her bestest friend ‘Julie’, if Julie’s parents had a constant stream of people coming and going from their house all hours of the day and night.
    Or would one want to downplay their child’s friendship with Julie. Yes Susie, of course you can have Julie over after school, but no Susie you cannot spend time over at Julie’s house. She can come over here but you can’t go over there. That too is cutting across your children’s friendships.

    And of course that is what we would all do (I’m assuming that we all would), because looking after our own child has to come first.

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    • Anonymous

      I think problems arise when some parents take one look at another child or their parents and make a lot of assumptions that may very well be wrong. Fair enough if there really are things going on at hypothetical Julie’s house that Susie shouldn’t be exposed to. But what if Julie’s family are perfectly lovely and people are just making assumptions because Julie turns up late for school sometimes or has a second hand school uniform.

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      • catgirl

        But what if Julie’s family are perfectly lovely and people are just making assumptions because Julie turns up late for school sometimes or has a second hand school uniform.

        I wouldn’t care about that at all. In my children’s growing years I had no problems accepting second hand school uniforms from friends whos kids had out grown them.

        My hypothetical Julie’s family was just to illustrate that sometimes you do have to make decisions about your kid’s friends and letting you child have a sleep over at a hypothetical drug dealer’s house is one of those times.

        It was rather a drastic example that I used to illustrate my point. But again it does down to your own value systems, some people would believe that I shouldn’t be judgemental about the means that Julie’s family use to support their kids. Maybe inbetween drugs deals they are lovely people.

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  28. Quality Friends?

    Some Famous People with Learning Disabilities

    Richard Branson – Branson credits his business intuition and unique perspectives to his early struggles with dyslexia, which affects the way he visualizes words.

    Agatha Christie – Christie had dysgraphia, a learning disability that affected her ability to understand written words.

    Albert Einstein – If he were born today, Einstein would probably be diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism.

    John F. Kennedy – President Kennedy may have had a form of dyslexia, but it didn’t keep him from pursuing a successful education.

    Robin Williams –He has been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) which affected his education and his ability to memorize scripts.

    John Lennon – Lennon was probably dyslexic, as he frequently mentioned in interviews that he was “never a speller” and had serious problems in school. He later showed his musical and lyrical genius through his work.

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    • Anonymous

      An interesting list. But who’s to say that any of the people on your list would be good friends anyway?

      Just because someone is famous, doesn’t mean they are going to be a terrific friend. I’m sure you didn’t mean it, but in an ironic way, your list could be interpreted by some to suggest that some people are worth being friends with, just because they are going to be famous or wealthy. Famous and wealthy doesn’t equal good friend.

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      • Julie

        I suppose the point they’re making is that these people probably struggled academically as children, but nevertheless grew up to be successful in their chosen field.

        I got the impression from the article that the author wants to keep her children away from kids who struggle academically because she thinks childhood academic problems mean they will grow up to be unsuccessful adults. I don’t think she’s thinking about the qualities they would bring to a friendship with her children that most of us would consider important i.e. kindness, empathy, etc.

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        • Anonymous

          Hmmm. I get what you are saying as well, and as I said above, I find the list a bit ironic.

          I think it’s probably a bit dangerous (probably too strong a word) to suggest that these successful people would have been terrific friends. We have no idea if that is the case. Some of the them might have been, some maybe not.

          Strangely, some of the most successful people I know, are the least friendly. The struggle socially, don’t have any empathy for others, and look down their noses are those less successful.

          Still, I think we all agree that it’s a shame that Kate Hopkins doesn’t see things like kindness and acceptance as important qualities to look for in a friend.

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          • Quality Friends?

            Yes, that is exactly the point I was trying to make Julie. You hit the nail on the head.
            I think I understand the point you are trying to make Anonymous. Point taken. But I wasn’t trying to say that famous people make ‘better’ friends or would be everyone’s idea of a ‘quality’ friend. After all the qualities that everyone looks for in a friend are different.
            But I would assume that most (if not all the people on the list), were loved as a friend by someone. Chances are that they were probably someone’s idea of a ‘good’ friend.
            I would hate to think that some parents are declining invites to the parties of children who do not perform well academically or who have learning difficulties. All I am really trying to say is give these kids a chance. I think that everyone has something of ‘value’ to offer in a friendship, even those who do not perform well academically in the ‘traditional’ schooling system.

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  29. anonymous

    Raise your children to be kind and they will likely choose kids who are the same. Children tend to choose their friends very well in my experience and choose kids who are just like them.

    So effectively, Katie Hopkins is encouraging her kids to choose superficial, over-competitive people for friends, just like them. She must be very insecure in herself, that she needs her kids to cement her status for her.

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  30. needshelp

    While no doubt this woman is extreme, probably intentionally, is what she is saying so odd? It is well documented that the greatest influence over your children will not be you, or your teachers, but their peers. So no doubt you would steer your children away from peer groups that take drugs, or express racist attitudes, or are sexist etc. This woman is just taking it one step further and engineering relationships with high achievers. The danger here is that her overt attempts will actually have overal negative outcomes for her children by making them judgemental.

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  31. Kate

    This screams classism. She’s basically a major snob who has a the most privileged of lives and only wants her kids around well-to-do, uppity children.

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  32. Ladybug

    I think a lot of parents are similar but probably to a lesser degree. I dont see the harm in applying some sort of filter to the people they play with, after all once they get older being friends with people with good values will make their lives a lot easier and with more positive outcomes.

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  33. Bonnie

    Before my mother had kids she taught children with special needs. While we were always encouraged to make our own friends but my mother would always sniff out the kids who were ‘a little bit different’ and made sure we had play dates with these kids. I thought nothing of it at the time but now I thank her for the kindness and compassion she taught us (4 kids). Among these kids was a little girl who was being sexually abused by her stepfather who loved coming to our house as she felt safe and secure. While all of us achieved well academically I think teaching us that we are no better or more deserving then the next person is a better life lesson. As a teacher now I see children being outcast and victimized because of their families, this does nothing to break the cycle and creates segregation, anger ultimately dissociated young adults.

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    • Sue

      Bonnie, I wish there were more parents in primary schools like your mother.

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  34. Amandarose

    I see things differently. If you have a good family, offer a functional environment and alot of love I see it as a civic duty to befriend the feral families kids.
    it does make a difference seeing how a normal family function, how nice people treat each other and it changes people.
    My family were the odd bod ferals of the community but my sister and eye got to see have lovely people live because we had lovely friends with beautiful families. It made a huge difference to our lives in so many ways. – We got to see functional up close and as adults we are.

    How about bury the snobbery and think about how you can be a good role model for someone who may not have one. Isolating kids because their parents are not punctual or they are not academic is really another form of bullying.

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  35. Rebecca

    This is nothing new, what do you think people who send their kids to expensive private schools are doing?

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    • Rebecca

      What different level? How many families from low socioeconomic backgrounds go to these schools, how many kids with learning problems, behavioural problems, ‘feral’ parents? Very few. At least this women’s kids attend school with them, kids going to exclusive schools wouldn’t even know anyone else exists.

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      • Kate Hunter

        There’s snobbery everywhere – just on different scales. What’s happening now (and one of what Gonski is attempting to reverse) is the tide of families who really can’t afford private schools feeling they must scrape together the fees to give their kids a decent education. What happens then is their kids go to these elite schools, but are on the outer because they can’t afford to go on the year 8 skiing trip to Japan or the year 11 history tour to Greece. It’s not the same as having scruffy schools shoes but the feeling of exclusion is the same.

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        • Anonymous

          Why do schools have trips like that? There are places to go skiing in Australia, books about ancient history. Surely the money could be better spent in some other way, or not spent at all. And the time off from school to go on a trip like that, or do they happen in school breaks? I’m all for travelling and experiencing new places but international travel as part of the curriculum is just nuts, I think.

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    • chillax

      I know plenty of people who choose to send their kids to expensive private schools simply because their local school isnt that good. And these are not super wealthy people. Just middle class people with both parents working long and hard to pay the fees and going without a lot as well.

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      • Rebecca

        What exactly is meant by the school isn’t good enough? I would argue that what is actually meant by this is the peer group isn’t good enough and I think this is a huge driving force in people sending their kids to private school. Funnily enough I don’t necessarily see this as snobbery. I want my kids going to a school where are large number of kids and their parents are supportive of education and care about their community. For me its not so much about academic achievement but having the majority of kids striving in most areas of the curriculum and caring about school. I don’t care if the child is top if the class as long as they have a good attitude, are caring and empathetic. I taught in some very low ses schools and there are a large number of kids that I wouldn’t want mine around eg kids on parole because their parents take them to break into houses, kids who are violent, parents who threaten teachers and generally don’t give a toss about school. So I completely understand why parents in some areas scrape together the money to send their kids private, or like us, take out a bigger mortgage to be in a better school zone.

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        • Anon

          I teach part-time at my local primary school and send my children to a nearby private school. For me it’s purely about numbers and resources, not social circles. My son is currently in the same year level that I teach. I help out in his classroom once a week on my day off and the difference is huge. There are 28 children in my class and 20 in his. They have access to a dozen laptops in their classroom and we have 2 computers. One of them only works sometimes. The list goes on and on. It’s a modestly priced private school that is worth every cent to me. We have fantastic teachers at my school but I see first hand the frustration of good teachers trying to meet the needs of all their students in oversized classrooms.

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      • Kate Hunter

        What’s happening now is people who a generation ago would never consider a private school are stretching themselves financially to send their kids to one (often a long way from home) because they think it’s better than local state school. They may be right – it’s a self fulfilling thing. The ‘easy to teach’ kids (English speaking, functional, comfortably off families) are going private leaving the ‘tough to teach’ kids behind. There is less parental support around those schools and the downward spiral continues. The Gonski report aims to turn this around so that public education is once again the ‘gold standard’ and no one is forced to pay for an education they can’t afford. I send my kids to (modest) Catholic schools because we are Catholic; We’d happily pay more if it meant struggling public schools were better resourced.

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        • chillax

          And sometimes I think the parents are working so hard, absent so often and wearing themselves out that its not really beneficial to anyone.
          I have always maintained that if paying my kids school fees meant they had no parent at home until 6.30pm each night, any benefit of the private school is undermined by the lack of parental supervision and support at home.

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    • Some random

      In my parents case, it was because the local secondary school in our area was increasingly being used by parents as a dumping ground for their kids until they could be pushed into a trade of some sort.

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  36. Bradley

    This story reminds me as to why I detest any type of social engineering.

    Thank you.

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  37. CazDragon

    My daughter’s best friend was not my favourite choice when she was in Prep, and I admit I did spend some time trying to steer her to tighter friendships with other girls without trying to be obvious about it. Of course, it didn’t work. So instead I worked hard on instilling good ethics and morals into my daughter (the other girl was a bit of a bully when they first started school). Four years later they are still best friends, but instead of my daughter being ‘dragged down’ as I feared may happen, the girls have grown together and the other girl, who was initially unpleasant, has become a happier friendlier girl.

    Lessons learnt:

    a – you are the greatest influence in your child’s life, teach them right and wrong and how to be happy and they will have the ability to pass it on.

    b – good can be just as big an influence – good people can influence not so good people to become better

    (okay, so that’s not PC, but it’s been a long day at work and my brain is refusing to function)

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  38. Guest

    I have never really interfered overly in my children’s choice of friends….It comes naturally that the parents who you get on with you seem to invite the kids over more often. Recently however my 9 year old daughter has been playing with a girl who she has had lots of problems with in the past and from who the teachers separated her. I told her that she was not to play with this girl…..surprised by my vehment statement, she turned around and said “I’m sorry Mum but I think that you should trust me enough to choose my own friends”….Job done! She’ll be fine. My meddling days are over.

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  39. Lisa66

    Can I just point out that being poor is not synonymous with being a bad parent.

    There are good parents and bad parents across all socio-economic groups.

    I have always let my kids choose their own friends. Before we moved to our current location we lived in an area that was very diverse. There were people from all walks of life. My kids made friends with all sorts of kids. I always made it my business to get to know the parents of my kids’ friends. One little boy lived in a tiny unit with his dad. The outside of the unit was quite run down and in a not so nice part of town. However the little boy was always clean and well fed and the inside of the unit was very clean and tidy, just not luxurious.

    I got to know the dad and found out lots about his background. He was a really hardworking guy who had experienced some real setbacks in life (none of which were his fault.) He worked in a job that wasn’t high paying but allowed him to spend more time with his son. This little boy was a little rough around the edges and rambunctious. He didn’t have the latest toys and he wasn’t fashionably dressed. He was however a very nice little boy underneath the bravado and a good friend to my son.

    On first appearances this little family might not appear desirable to some people but I’m really glad we got the opportunity to know them.

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  40. CJ

    I’m tolerant of most things…except intolerance. My son recently changed schools and in order to maintain contact with his old school mates I started ‘friending’ their mums on facebook. But when i clicked onto one person’s page who had a variety of racist, anti-immigration memes (FIFO anyone?) I made a conscious decision to let the boys’ friendship lapse. When i explained this to my son (he’s 11) he argued that his friend is not racist just because his mother is. While that might well be true, I chose to exercise a little bit of control over my kids influences. I wonder if I did the right thing, or am I scarily close to the elitist manipulations of the mother in the article?

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    • Kate Hunter

      That’s a really interesting comment CJ. In To Kill A Mockingbird ( I love to quote TKAM. I’m like a bible basher, just with a different book) Atticus Finch told his kids that the mob who said, ‘That nigger oughta hang from the water tank!’ were their friends. ‘And no matter how bitter things get, they’re still our friends and Maycomb is still our home.’ I think it’s good for kids to know how other families think and act. And who knows, your son might influence his mate a good way :-)

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      • Mrs Lyons

        I’m loving Carolyn…..

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  41. Christine

    I feel sad for this woman and her children, what a wealth of experience they will miss out on. We grow and learn from mixing with a diverse range of people, challenging our own beliefs, investigating how other cultures work. But most important of all having fun on different levels. By all means we must try to steer our children away from people who might cause them harm, but if children want to learn, they will. It seems very narrow minded and bland to only mix with one type of person. Give me variety any day, good bad and indifferent, it is how we grow as a person and if the upbringing is sound, children will make the best choice for themselves.

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  42. justvisiting

    What hideously dressed children!

    On point, how exactly is she so sure her children are so very smart?

    Sad to impart such prejudice to a new generation – some of the most truly awful people I know are immaculately dressed, punctual, very smart and extremely well-educated.

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  43. Anon

    Oh my, rebellious teenage years are going to be soooo much fun.

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  44. whatahooha

    The saddest part is that she judges a child she doesn’t know and hasn’t met on something the child has absolutely no control over, ie the name her parents have given her… “Charmaine” .
    How does she sit with children named Deepti or Avanel or Heong Jong?

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  45. perplexed

    at least her children will keep psychiatrists wealthy in the future. She sounds like she has mental health issues of her own she should attend to instead of taking them out on her children.

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  46. Rin

    I think that she is setting up her children to fail long term. In business she should know that often you may have to work with people that are “lacking” and this is something that you learn in childhood.

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  47. neola

    I’ve been on both ends of this as a kid. Some families didn’t approve of ours and they thought I was pretty weird (and I’m sure I was). Silly reasons: We dressed in very grown-up clothes for our age, such as high heels, 2 piece bathers, short dresses, back when little girls didn’t do all that. Hey, our parents were into fashion! I remember being excluded by a couple of the posh girls for being different. Felt crap.

    Our parents were pretty ‘free-range’ but they did try to steer us away from a few girls: One whose mother was a prostitute, one girl who was a punk and one who came out as a lesbian in high school and was in foster care.

    They were the most loyal friends we ever had.

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  48. jolesley

    I am sure my mum did this too but in a less blatant way. Funnily enough the thing that worried me was that she appeared to judge some solely on their name, that does not necessarily identify a good or bad person

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  49. anon.d

    well.. My friend is a top lawyer and her husband an Industrial engineer. Their eldest son is amazingly talented and a successful classical musician, scholarships galore with the best talent schools in America. Their younger children are equally as gifted and talented. And guess what.. they were ALWAYS late. With everything. School..work..dinner parties.. any thing! They are well travelled..educated..interesting. The whole family! Poor judgemental woman.

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  50. misslisa84

    The most horrifying part of this is the quote from her daughter:
    ‘The children who come to school on time and wear proper school uniforms are the nicest and the most fun,’ she told me. ‘If children don’t put any effort in, I don’t want to play with them.’
    I was taught to invite the loney children to play, dance with the boy that noone else wanted etc and generally be a nice person. I was still a bitchy little school girl as most of us were but imagine if my mother had actually fostered that hateful, judgemental side of my personality. I have known children like this (and they are like this because of their parents) and the grown up versions of them. They might be happy and successful in their own little bubble but they make the people around them miserable.

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