My mobile phone beeped at 6.09am with the news.
My mobile phone beeped at 6.09am with the news.
“Kate Middleton is pregnant,” I read through bleary eyes.
My heart did a sommersault (is that weird? Okay, don’t answer …). But it’s the truth, so there you have it. I was unashamedly overjoyed for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and I remained in that drunk-on-joy-hooray-for-a-royal-baby mood right up until I read the announcement from the Palace. The pregnancy has been confirmed but Kate is yet to reach 12 weeks.
She’s essentially been backed into a corner and forced to announce this pregnancy due to her hospitalisation on Monday. And THAT moment, when I realised what this all meant, that’s when my heart went from doing star jumps to dropping into my ugg boots.
‘Oh God,’ I thought. Just like every woman who has ever suffered the shock and pure devastation of a first trimester miscarriage. Just like every woman who has gleefully told friends and family of an expected baby only to have to – through a fog of sadness or numbness – make the calls and send the emails that start with the words, “We have some terrible news to share …“
I lost my first pregnancy at six and a half weeks. Alone in Townsville at a writers festival. I’d just checked into the festival hotel when my body went into cramps and I started to cry.
I knew what was happening as the floaty dreams of prams and cots and snuggling this little soul evaporated. Just like that. And regardless of how early a miscarriage is, if the baby is much-wanted, if you have already felt the whisper of a new little spirit in your ear – the loss can bring you to your knees. Your baby has gone.
Kate and William.
But that fear for the Duchess having a miscarriage is not the only reason that some couples greeted Monday’s news with heavy hearts.
When you’re desperately trying to conceive or have suffered a stillbirth or neo-natal death, the news of someone else’s (really anyone else’s) pregnancy can feel like a sucker punch.
And while I’m not in that headspace now, I have been. Boy, have I been.
A month or so after my daughter Georgie was stillborn in 2010, Nicole Kidman announced the arrival of her daughter Faith Margaret. And I was devastated. Nicole didn’t realise but she and I had been on the same road.
In my head we were walking it together. She married Keith a few months before I married my husband Brad in 2006. She had Sunday Rose a few months before I had my daughter Ava.
And now she was announcing the arrival of her second daughter, Faith, while I was holding my second daughter’s ashes in a pewter heart in my hand.
‘This is not how it is meant to go,’ I sobbed to a friend over the phone. ‘Now Nicole has moved away, ahead of me and I’m left standing here. I’m left behind.’
Bec and her son, Fin born earlier this year.
It makes no sense, I know. It sounds stupid and trivial and petty. And it wasn’t about Nicole at all. Of course. But these are the feelings that flood you when you have lost a child. Envy and bitterness sometimes set up camp in your mind. Along with despair.
When you are longing for a child of your own there are times when you feel like you are being haunted by other people’s babies. Cards with storks delivering pretty pink bundles. Booties. Baby showers. And ‘baby bump’ magazine covers. And for thousands of people yesterday (and today and for the 7 months ahead) the media’s obsession with Kate and Will’s baby will strangle their hearts rather than prompt star jumps and somersaults. It’s not at all that you don’t wish them joy, it’s just, well, a reminder of what you are missing yourself.
So to all of you who are in that headspace, I am thinking of you and sending you love. I have been where you are. I get it.
What you need to know is that you’re not alone. Your feelings are normal. And I am wishing for you everything I could wish for myself.
And that goes for the Duchess of Cambridge too.
Comments
141 Comments so far
You hit the nail on the head. 16 days ago I woke up and checked the news on my phone to see that Kate was pregnant, I rushed to the tv to watch the breaking news and thought to myself how my baby would probably be a couple months older than hers. While I watched I was getting ready to go to a regular, scheduled doctors appointment. A couple hours later the doctor said “let’s have a quick look at your tummy.” And then a few minutes later my world ended. She couldn’t find a heartbeat and my baby wasn’t moving. I delivered my baby girl the next day at 19 1/2 weeks. A few days later I went to the supermarket with my husband and saw all the magazine covers about Will and Kate’s pregnancy and thought to myself about how tortuous this will be, to spend the rest of the time I was meant to be pregnant with regular headlines and covers about the royal pregnancy. Of course I wish them all the joy in the world. But right now my world sucks and I am heartbroken.
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At the risk of being rude, how can this be a sad/bad thing. She hasn’t lost the baby. She has severe morning sickness. At this stage we are still excited about the pending birth of the upcoming prince or princess (please be a princess). This all seems like misery guts type attitude. We all have something wonderful to look forward to. Why are we making it so doom and gloom?
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Holding my sleeping 6 week old baby I certainly feel joy at Kate’s news – now that I’m caught up in the newborn sweetness. However having had 3 miscarriages and trying for a baby for about 2 years, my heart dropped when I realised she had to announce it early. My first happened just under 12 weeks, a week after we had announced it. So I certainly understand the devastation of announcing the loss and wanting to hide in a cave. Miscarriages are still very much not understood by a lot of people and it seems to make a lot feel awkward, so I really hope she doesn’t go through this with the world watching.
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Yes, I thought that too. While I haven’t had that horrible experience, I’ve watched my cousin announce a pregnancy at a family wedding, only to have to circulate the bad news two weeks later. When I heard it, of course I felt the baby news was wonderful, but “Poor Kate!” definitely sprang into my thoughts. Feeling so awful she can’t keep anything down, and she has to go through this on the world stage, knowing in a small corner of her mind that this pregnancy is by no means certain yet, and any bad news will have to be shared with the world…
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Marcia Cross got to bring her twin daughters home when I didn’t. Then Jennifer Lopez had the nerve to have her twins the 1 year anniversary of my 40 week due date. I still can’t stand them. It’s not their fault. But why not me, too?
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Thankyou Bec. You don’t know how much your words have meant to me today. My heart thanks you. xo
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As a mother of three with two early miscarriages along the way I mostly feel blessed – but maybe a little guilty after reading about all of the heartbreak experienced by so many. My last baby, a surprise, was conceived right around the time my lovely friend lost her much wanted IVF bub at 12 weeks. I have never cried so much as I did at my own 12 week scan, the mixture of relief and guilt was almost nauseating. My friend and I keep a respectful distance more than a year on; despite my prayers her struggles have unfortunately continued.
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It’s a funny thing. I’ve been dying to hear an official announcement about Kate and William having a baby – yet hearing the news on Wednesday put me in a down mood for the rest of the morning (we have been trying for almost 2 years). It’s a similar thing with friends/family announcing pregnancies. I can’t wait for my sister to have another baby – but part of my will be upset when she does. Someone below said “it’s not that we’re not happy for you we’re just sad for us’ which I think sums it up beautifully. For me personally, I am really excited for others announcing baby news but it’s like confirmation to me that they got pregnant within a couple of months – if we were going to get pregnant it would have happened by now.
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Oh…I feel exactly like that. And have been feeling silly for the past few days feeling this way until I read this.
I lost our first, and much wanted, baby two weeks ago due to an ectopic pregnancy. All too quickly all those dreams for our little one were evaporated.
Its always seems when the thing you are dreaming of the most, is everywhere around you – just not yours. I was so upset at hearing the Royal pregnancy news that I wrote a list of people that I know who are pregnant. Eleven. Eleven friends that I have to watch go through a journey that I wanted to be on too. And while I am happy for them and will be there to support them, I’m just sad for me.
So to my little one, I miss you. And I love you. And I’ve been thinking about you everyday.
x
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Bec, I have been very touched by your article.
My husband and I were trying to conceive our child for over 2 years. Due to genetic issues, we were uncertain whether we were able to keep our child until we had a CVS done. While trying to conceive and before the CVS test was done, any news of others pregnancies made me cry. I would even sometimes cry in public when seeing a pregnant woman, rubbing her belly with joy.
At the same time I fell pregnant, a family member also fell pregnant and we were due 5 days apart. She had to terminate her pregnancy at 20 weeks. Thankfully, my child is now 4 months old.
Everyday I feel my heart sink when I think of the loss that she has had. I heard my baby’s cry, she did not. I’ve changed by baby’s pooey nappy, she has not. I received cards of well wishes, she received cards of sympathy. I will celebrate my first Christmas with my little man, she will continue to grieve the loss of her child.
For many, once the idea of having a baby appears in our minds, it can be a tough road. When glossy magazines glorify expanding bellies, or just simply butt into deeply personal lives of celebrities, I am appalled at what these journalists are trying to sell and wonder whether they have encountered the same heartbreak during their lives.
Thank you Bec for writing such a deeply personal and touching article.
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Just to echo a few thoughts above – loss is loss and grief is grief. It doesn’t matter whether your baby was lost at 1 week or 1 year. Their absence in our lives is always felt and our love for them always remains. To all who have lost a little one or are grieving in relation to their ability to conceive my thoughts are with you.
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Firstly may I say, my heart goes out to all you brave, strong women out there.
We are made to think reproduction is text book stuff “what we are here to do”. When this doesn’t quite go to plan ( it is a sad state of affairs that, the “what can go wrongs” are not openly more discussed) we naturally blame ourselves. “Why can’t I?” “Everyone around me seems to do it easily”……
A part of me even feels wrong discussing my experience, because I got a beautiful baby girl at the end of it. But my relating to this article is around the birth experience.
Long story short, I was rushed back into life saving surgery after a massive postpartum haemorrhage and had difficulties with infections/procedures for another six months…..I ended up with post traumatic stress and felt like I was operating on auto pilot for a long while.
I had this feeling of jealousy, anger and sadness whenever friends/families had easy deliveries and I dragged myself into visit them of course with the smiles and congratulations. Seeing them sitting up in their hospital beds looking like nothing had happened and how wonderful the experience was…..
There was probably the odd HORRIBLE moment where I wished someone I knew went through the same as I did, for the insane reason that it would make me feel less of a failure at the one thing women are built to do……How awful is that!?!?!?
AGAIN, even writing this sounds terrible considering I HAVE the baby at the end…..But I guess what I am trying to say is………It is therapeutic to discuss these things, its natural to have these feelings of “why me and not her”…..
We want and expect this to be a text book experience from beginning to end and when its not we need to grieve for our lost child, for our lost positive experience, for our children who will not experience life’s rights of passages through disabilities etc…..
Part of that grief process is the ugly side of jealousy/anger etc……But time is a great healer, it doesn’t make us forget it just makes the journey easier….
Again with the utmost respect for those women who have loved and lost their babies…….
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That is always the fear. When we announced our second pregnancy to my family, I was really worried about telling my cousin and his wife as they had been trying for number 2 for ages. It turns out I need not have worried, they were pregnant and we were due on the same day!
I know not every story has a happy ending like this and that William and Kate have no control over how people react, but on a personal level it is worth being a little considerate of other people’s feelings….I think a little discretion now can make a huge difference later.
Bec, every time I hear about your sleeping angel, it makes me well up.
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I think you just hit the nail on the head.
My daughter was born asleep on 13th October 2012. It was not until our 20 week scan that we knew something was wrong. I ended up making the most terrifying decision of my life and stopped my pregnancy at 30 weeks when we found out that my daughter would not live past 3 months (she had a severe brain tumour). My world as I knew it is no longer the same.
I feel devastatingly sorry for the Duke and Duchess as they have been forced in to the limelight with this pregnancy. I have found it hard to grieve privately for my little girl let alone having to do it publicly (I hope with all my might it does not come to this).
People are quick to forget, look what sadly happened to Gary Barlow and his wife and the loss of their little girl, full term. Not every pregnancy ends with a baby that you get to keep.
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Ah, I know exactly the feeling.
Years ago, with my first pregnancy, a friend and I found out we were pregnant at the same time – within about a week of each other. At 17 weeks, I woke up and found I was bleeding. Rushed to the hospital, and after hours of horrible contractions, being left in an emergency waiting room all day, and a week of crying and waiting for “nature to take its course”, my happy news was over.
I didnt see that friend again for months, and the next time we saw eachother at a mutual friends’ party, she was 38 weeks. I spoke to her all of once, and couldn’t stop staring at her belly the whole time. Worse, I couldnt stop myself from thinking out loud that I would have been 38 weeks, too….and then felt horrible for even mentioning it in front of her. It was devastating. We had both started out with the same story, and while mine turned into one of the most traumatic things I’ve been through, she got a happy ending, and it crushed me.
Then, my first baby was born at 29 weeks, and was in NICU while I had to watch everyone else taking their little bubs home….and once again with my second I was in the hospital at 24 weeks with them trying to stop another early labour, a friend was in the same hospital, two rooms down, with her perfect baby girl born right on her due date, and no issue with her pregnancy.
Sorry for the long story – its funny how it all come pouring out when you actually get a chance to talk about it all.
I have to admit I still cringe when people announce their pregnancies early, and often find myself breathing out with relief when I hear that friends and family have their babies healthy and on time.
My heart goes out to all of those who are in that place now.
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Beautifully written Bec & heart-wrenching/warming too – I admire the way you lay it bare. Truly sorry for your loss and warmed by your gains – family is so important. Thanks for sharing that insight – I wouldn’t have looked at the grief for some from that angle.
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I have so been there …
I listened to Sinead O’Connor’s song ‘one more day ‘ endlessly after my second miscarriage and 4 yrs of trying to conceive no. 1 (I have 2 beautiful boys now). Hearing that song now brings me to tears. It helped at the time, although it is hard to go back.
Love to all out there trying.
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I felt sad when I heard Kate’s news because I desperately want a second child and my husband won’t let me try. I had a complicated birth with my first (long labour, failed epidural, failed forceps attempt, emergency caesarean). My husband won’t let me try again because he says, “why would you want to go through that again?” I can’t say I’m over my bad birth experience; I don’t think I’ll ever be over it. But every time I see a mother with two children I feel a stab in my heart and I wish that was me.
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I know what you mean Bec. Last year when I lost my baby boy at 17 weeks a neighbour (and at that time good friend – or so I thought) decided to announce on Facebook the day after I delivered him that she was pregnant and due the same week my son was due. How could she not tell me that we were both expecting a baby at the same time? It wasn’t like it was a first trimester pregnancy. In that moment of heartache it felt like a thousand knives going into my heart all at the same time. I’ve never gotten over that, but I have been able to move on and feel utter joy for other friends who have since announced pregnancies and welcomed babies into the world. Sometimes I think it’s all in the timing, and not being an insensitive ^%$#.
I was happy for Kate and Wills, but like you a bit worried about the timing. I hope with all my heart their beautiful baby will be happy and healthy and secretly – a girl!
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I had to stop myself from crying when I read this in the waiting room at my doctors office. So beautifully written!
I had the exact same reaction when I heard the royal news – crazy joy followed instantly by the heartbreaking thought of how Kate had to announce her bundle of joy to the world too soon.
I’m 22 and have never been pregnant but as someone who looks forward to having a baby more than anything and could not imagine what it would do to me if I lost a child, I can only hope Kate doesn’t experience the same fate as far too many women, including my mother, with miscarriage.
My prayers are with the royal family, that their baby is beautiful and healthy and that they will never have to have the world watch as they grieve the loss of a child. And with anyone who goes through the pain of losing a child.
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I am now at month 22 of trying to conceive baby #2. Baby #1 took over 2 years. During both trying to conceive periods,I have felt sad when I heard other peoples happy news, I felt jealous and desperate.
but nothing prepared me for my ugly side afterfalling pregnant earlier this year and then miscarrying at 9 weeks. My good friend announced her pregnancy a week later and called me excitedly to tell me (she didn’t know I’d been pregnant, or lost it). As soon as she uttered the words ‘guess what!’ I started physically shaking and felt like I was going to throw up. forcing excitement and words of congratulations out of my mouth was torture.
as she talked excitedly about how they had always planned to fall pregnant at this time and BAM! It happened straight away ( happened first go with their first child too), my irrational,grief riddled mind was screaming YOU BITCH, HOW COULD You DO THIS TO ME?..?? I can only think it came from my grief, but for weeks after, every belly shot she posted and every pregnancy related status from her made me jealous and angry, so angry, like,That should have been me. I should be posing for belly shots.
it took a massive heart to heart with my hubby, and time to grieve for our loss, to snap me out of it and to finally feel happy for her as I should be.
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My best friend was horrible to me while I was pregnant with my second, a whoops baby, and she’d had 3 miscarriages in a row. It was awful.
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As the parent of a severely disabled child it is the secret guilt that we carry that everyone’s good news you envy to your core. Sometimes you feel bad that you know more than the happy mothers to be who don’t realise that everything does not always go to plan and even when the doctors pronounce the baby fine at birth it does not always got that way. But you don’t wish ill on anyone and it is a little dark spot in your heart. On the other hand I do know that life doesn’t end with bad news and you do find ways to laugh and smile and enjoy life again. The world keeps spinning and there is no logic and you can go insane looking for it. Just look for others who are in a similar situation.
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Bec, ‘the whisper of a new little spirit in your ear’ *goosebumps*.
I too am excited for Kate and at the same time, feel sympathy for the women experiencing problems, as I know each day of her pregnancy will be splashed across women’s magazines. Just what you want to see when, yet again, your period arrives.
Thoughts and hugs to anyone going through this xx
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Thank you, Bec. So beautifully written.
I have been in that headspace after four miscarriages, five cycles of IVF and no children still. I try not to dwell for too long these days and I’ve become the master of filing in my head. But I very much appreciate your understanding and words of support. I acknowledge there are many worse of than me. Hx
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So sorry Helen and how beautifully gracious you are. Good luck, I hope things turn around for you.
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This article is so nice to read. I was married the day after Wills and Kate, and we are desperately trying to conceive. I am a 25 fit woman, and I don’t ovulate on my own. We are currently seeing a fertility specialist and I feel like i am SURROUNDED by pregnancy (make matters worse I work in Pregnancy related research!)
thanks for making me feel a little less alone tonight the night before I find out if i ovulate this cycle.
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Oh Bec. So beautifully said. Thank you xx
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What a great article. I have a gorgeous one year old (took 12 months to conceive) and when she was 8 months, we found out we were pregnant with our second! Yay! Despite my late thirties age, we’d done it. I bought another cot at 8 weeks pregnant (bargain on eBay on the brand we had for our first). My husband, daughter and I went in for our 12 week scan feeling giddy that our hard fought for family was coming together (I’m from an abusive adoptive family). We were gutted to find our baby was very sick and her heart was defective and would stop beating before my pregnancy was over. She also had many other problems not able to be fixed (we would have happily spent our life’s savings to fix the problems if we were able). I would be 6 months pregnant this month and was due 7th March. We are actively trying for another baby but I just got my period. All I see and hear are pregnant women. I am truly happy that these women and their families will experience the joy of motherhood, but I grieve every day. And every pregnant bump greets me like a sword in my heart until I ‘talk to myself’ and realise I am ultimately happy for the other woman. Even Kate’s news was another reminder of my loss. I am so glad I could talk about this. Thank you and lots of love to all those hoping for good news this month. Though we don’t know each other, I walk beside you strong women every day x
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“And for thousands of parents yesterday (and today and for the 7 months ahead) the media’s obsession with Kate and Will’s baby will strangle their hearts rather than prompt star jumps and somersaults. It’s not at all that you don’t wish them joy, it’s just, well, a reminder of what you are missing yourself.”
I’d love for Mamamia to write an article about pregnancy loss from the position of someone who ISN’T a mother. Yes parents who have lost babies found it hard to hear Kate’s news but what about those of us who have lost pregnancies and still have empty hearts, who aren’t parents yet – trust me her news hit A LOT harder and I (and thousands like me) don’t have a child to snuggle into our arms to help ease the pain.
I’d also love for the “pain olympics” to be drop kicked into the stratosphere when it comes to baby/pregnancy loss. You lost a baby at 24 weeks, so your loss was more devastating than mine? Says who? I’ve endured 12 miscarriages, so does that kick your 24 week loss to the curb? OF COURSE IT DOESN’T.
A loss is a loss, regardless of gestation age – can we please stop trying to outdo each other on the grief stakes?
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Hi Anonymous
You make a great point.
It’s interesting that because Georgie was stillborn people often preface their bad news with “This isn’t anything like as bad as what you went through but ….”
The fact is, grief isn’t a competition. Pain is pain is pain.
And if it were a competition, then sadly I think Denise Morcombe would be the winner.
Thanks for your comment. I should have more clearly included those who are not parents yet but who are trying to conceive. I might even go in and edit that line now.
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Yes. Yes.
My baby was born prematurely in late July this year, and she passed away not long after. I was walking around the shops this morning, and saw so many newborns. That was supposed to be me, right now. Im supposed to have a one month old. The sense of being robbed is so strong. I’m supposed to have two girls, not one. I know I’ll see other children her age for the rest of my life and mark time with her.
Losing a child changes your life forever. My baby is in a little box next to my bed when I should be snuggling her and loving her, not feeling stabbed in the heart when I see little newborns.
I’m not sure if we will have another. Im getting older. Life is so sucky sometimes. I wish it were different.
Thanks for this, Bec.
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It does suck. We actually started our first IVF cycle two weeks ago – the same day that my sister had her second baby. She fell right away with both. I was so happy for her, and excited to have another nephew, but there were some pretty severe feelings of sadness for our situation.
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After my miscarriage any news of someone elses pregnancy was really upsetting. But I came to realise that from the outside, we dont know anyone else’s story.
For all we know, Kate and Wills could have been trying the whole 18 months they’ve been married. They could have even had a previous miscarriage.
You can never look from the outside and think how ‘easy’ it must have been for them, because you just never know the whole story.
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Well said!
Everyone has their own path to walk and their own journey. We know some people who appear to be the most fortunate in many ways, and have had their babies easily by all accounts but they have had other very sad things happen in their lives. They have experienced the early death of loved ones and that is something most people dont know about.
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Who on earth is text messaging about the Royals at 6.09 in the morning? That’s madness!
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My mother texted me when Michael Jackson died… because I REALLY needed to know apparently… SMH
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Well, Bec does work for a women’s news site. Someone – correctly – probably thought this would be relevant for her job?
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The only positive I could take over my twin IVF miscarriage was the proof I could fall pregnant. After immense grieving I would look at the scan pictures and know my body could fall pregnant and I was more determined to keep going on my journey to have a child. It is odd though that even now I still feel a twinge like Rebecca when someone announces a pregnancy. Bizarre, but then perhaps most women who have had fertility struggles and never had much choice over how many children they have feel a little sense of jealousy.
I feel for Kate Middleton having to announce a pregnancy earlier than 12 weeks. If she miscarries the entire world will know.
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what is wrong if the entire world does know. I understand it would be painful for her, but its not a dirty secret. I hate the fact that society rarely talk about fertility issues and miscarriages etc. These women need support not to be hidden!
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Bravo!
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Because she might not want the whole world to know. She might not want her most personal, painful experience treated as gossip to sell magazines and make other people money. It’s not a dirty secret, but unfortunately it would be gossip fodder.
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It’s not a dirty secret, but it is private. I understand some people want to share their grief with many people, but everyone is different.
When I’ve miscarried the only person I wanted to talk about it with was my partner. Even years later I have no desire to share any part of my experience with anyone other than him, and each time I’ve been pressured to I’ve been deeply uncomfortable. Not because I’m ashamed or because it’s a taboo (btw given how much I know about random colleagues and acquaintances miscarriages and gynecological issues I’d say it’s not really a taboo these days), but because for me it’s a private grief, and outside support feels like an intrusion, however well-meaning.
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We said good bye to our darling angel Ava Grace at 24 1/2 weeks. I delivered her and it was horrific. One of the things that hurt the most was getting an invite for my friends daughters 1st birthday 4 days after our loss. I was still in intensive care. We are now 6 months on and we’re in a much better place but every little piece of baby news that comes your way in that deep dark time seems to be kicking you even more when you’re already down. I wish anyone in a similar situation all the strength and love I can. Please know – the hurt eases. It won’t leave you but it will lessen. Just try as hard as you can to put one foot in front of the other. I try to remember this quote and find that it helps me some days – Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying “I will try again tomorrow”.
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Brilliant post, L.
I have to say that getting an invite like that, in that situation, I think is incredibly insensitive. But admittedly I don’t know who they are and why they chose to still give you the invite. I just gasped when I read that.
We lost our little one at 11 weeks and I have very mixed emotions about it.
I have 2 friends, completely separate to one another, who lost little ones at 24/26 weeks. One stillborn, one passed after 1 hour.
I know they were all, individually, in very dark places for quite some time.
I do not cry every day now, but I have moments when it seems to come out of nowhere.
I think mine may have more to do with the circumstances of the loss. I was offered a D&C for the following day and about to be sent home from emergency (after going in because of some bleeding, and having an ultrasound to confirm little one had passed probably a week or so prior) and all of a sudden I started having contractions. It all happened then and there, and I can’t stop thinking what would have happened if they had sent me home just half an hour earlier.
Yes, L, horrific is the word to use – and I am so sorry you experienced it at 24 weeks. I am sending you hugs and hope every day really does get a little easier.
I have 3 friends who are between 23 and 32 weeks along at the moment and it is very hard to watch their bellies growing.
Thank you for your words, L. I will listen carefully for courage’s whispers.
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I’m right there with you L, as I lost a little boy at 24 weeks not long ago. Your quote is really lovely, thanks for sharing it. I’ve realised too that the pain never really goes away, I’ve just learnt to carry it around and try to be happy again. I’m still finding my reactions to other new pregnancies/baby news hard to control…I feel like I overcompensate being happy for them and it seems fake :-/
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I remember trying to conceive for 18 months following a miscarriage. I was 8weeks along and had planned it all out in my head. Then There was no heartbeat at a scan. We were devastated of course but shortly after that happened Britney Spears confirmed she was pregnant. A year later we were STILL trying to conceive and she announced ANOTHER pregnancy! Bloody Britney Spears! (Not her fault but I was in a dark place.)
Fast forward 6.5 years and I’ve got three beautiful children so its easy to be delighted for Catherine. But I do vividly remember not being at all happy and everywhere I looked there was another pregnant belly or news of a birth.
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I love that this story gives women a chance to talk about the taboo topic and how hard it can be when other have what you want. I feel it most days when I see happy couples and most especially happy couple with children. But I am trying to understand why after what happened to Princess Diana the general press still keeping themselves placed right up the royals proverbial tooshie, maybe because I am not very interested in the royals. Or maybe I just prefer to hear the stories of women who are more like me. No ones life is perfect but I prefer the happiness and troubles of my friends and the people in my community, not famous people. So I’d like to thank the women in my life and on this website who share their lives with me each day, you much more interesting than the royals. Xx
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After my miscarriage I was irrationally angry at whole groups of people. People who fell pregnant easily. People with lots of kids (like they’d taken mine! So silly). People who had terminated pregnancies – even though I am strongly pro choice. It’s all sadness and anger about your own loss really. Fortunately for me it passed quickly.
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I’m in such a dark place right now that every baby update I see or hear is really hitting me in the heart. I’m in ‘no one knows what’s going to happen next land’ my hcg isn’t rising steadily, baby is alive, just, but has a very very slow heartbeat. To top it off, I have to wait another 10 days to see if the baby’s heart has stopped beating or if is still hanging on. I can’t share my happy news with people because it’s not happy. I actually pray for a natural miscarriage instead of this torture. If I hadn’t gone for an early 6 week scan I wouldn’t know that things are grim and would be happily telling all my friends and family the good news only for it to turn bad again.
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thoughts and prayers for you in your dark hour, snow x x
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Thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome.
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Hoping and praying for you
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Oh Bec, you are such a beautiful person. When you write of Georgie, I feel your pain, you make me cry. All the love and best wishes for the future.
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I went through my auntie’s three miscarriages with her, and I too felt a bubble of dread when I found out how early they’d announced Kate’s pregnancy. I wish them all the best and hope everything works out. They are a lovely young couple and they deserve to be happy. Sending all the positive energy I can their way.
Lovely article, Bec.
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What I found just as bad as having to tell people you are no longer pregnant was finding out people telling other people you had a miscarriage and none of them said ANYTHING to me. At least a sorry about what you went through or something. Or a hug. My Grandmother found out from my friend’s Grandmother, like she was some messenger.
/rant over
Sorry, still a sore spot.
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Lovely article Bec, my throat always tightens when I read about your beloved Georgie. Im one of those folk who falls pregnant straight away and the guilt I feel when I think of my family and friends desperate for babies is sometimes overwhelming. I’ll never take my pregnancies for granted and I’ll always be there for my loved ones who are struggling. It must hurt so much.
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Thank you, just thank you. After 2 miscarriages and 2.5 yrs of trying when I heard this news I literally swore out loud! I felt so horrible straight after but I realize its not Kate/Will that I am upset with its what it represents … that I am still, yet again childless.
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I was the same when I heard how early on she is. Surely they could have said it was severe food poisoning or something??
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But she is opening up the conversation about the ‘H’ condition she has (I forget the spelling …) , so maybe the royals genuinely thought they were doing something right?
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Yea true but they still could have spoken about the “H” condition in a few weeks time…
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Gosh I can recall how empty my arms used to feel after I had lost my first at 12 weeks. I was a mother with no baby to nurse.
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What a beautiful little article Bec
I too have been there and I so feel for all the women out there who are ‘haunted by other people’s babies’. Your words have bought tears to my eyes.
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My situation is slightly different. I was engaged one week before Kate and William and my ring was almost exactly the same (the centre stone was ruby and then changed to my birth stone to follow family tradition)
I found my partner cheating and uncovered the horrible truth that he had been deceitful from the very beginning. I had the hardest task of picking myself up emotionally and making the decision to leave him and start again – alone.
The royal wedding was a spectacle to say the least (and I was happy for the royals) but it brought back every single emotion that was connected to both Kate’s engagement and my own. Now, instead of getting married I was moving interstate to focus on work and build my life as a single person
Now, Kate is pregnant and although I am in a strong, reliable, trustworthy relationship I can’t help but feel somewhat cheated (pardon the pun!) that I could have also been on the same path to Motherhood. It’s something I want and am sure will approach when the time is right. But, after the setback and pain, the constant media attention is like a rock in my shoe – it’s there, and I feel it constantly, but I won’t let it cripple me.
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With care of fragile feelings can I suggest you are just living your life as best you can & life is messy sometimes.
Could you reframe your story… you could still be keeping tabs to a timeframe that’s an illusion illusion, but you need to see that your story would go a little more like + 10 years on, divorce & single mother having been married to a person who cheated on you financillay – emothionally – physically…
Rather than by your own words being in a strong, reliable, trustworthy relationship…. I know who I would rather be the father of my children & life partner, regardless of how long the job, the ring & the kids took to come along.
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Halina, we have almost identical stories. No matter how many times I try and make sense – justify – his selfish behaviour, I can’t escape two words from entering my mind: “lucky escape”. I have found the best way of coping with it is to focus on all the great things in my life – my wonderful nieces who love alone time with their Aunty, my family and friends, my job, my community, even my little flat – all of them bring me happiness and not nearly as much sadness as that man. I am just so relieved he is not to be the father of my babies. I would rather break the cycle of deceit than procreate with him!
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I count my lucky stars that I was able to get out pre marriage/children and I too take pleasure in my niece, family and my new little interstate life. It’s VERY early days in my current relationship but can’t help but worry due to health/fertility issues. At the end of the day I can wait for the ring but I just hope waiting doesn’t hinder my chances down the track.
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A friend of mine announced her pregnancy a couple of months ago, on FB. She is 35, has a good job and a brood of Schnauzers she treats as her children. I thought for sure I was ‘safe’ in the knowledge that she was someone a similar age to me who wasn’t having kids, and made me feel better about the fact that we haven’t got ourselves into a situation where we can even start trying. I’d just had cervical polyps removed the day before, I was bleeding, in pain and feeling quite hormonal.
I cried for about 3 hours straight. I felt so stupid for letting someone else’s wonderful news affect me like that, but I couldn’t help it.
I did get the stomach dropping feeling when I heard about the pregnancy yesterday, but I must be in a better place at the moment, because I haven’t had a cry about it! I’m not sure if this sounds stupid, but William and I are only a few weeks apart in age, and when I hear of people around my age having kids, I feel like everyone is ‘beating me’. I know it’s not a race, but when you are ready to go and it is circumstance stopping you, it is hard to shut out those pangs of jealousy.
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Ooooh, how I get the “they are beating me” feeling! And the overwhelming sadness I experienced the other day, walking through a very full toy Department, and realising that even if I was ASTRONOMICALLY lucky to have one baby, I won’t be able to have a brood…happily freaking out on Christmas morning like these kids would be…
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We have been trying for a baby for 18 months now with no luck and will be seeing a specialist in January… a good friend of mine, who I see around 2-3 times a week, told me yesterday that she is pregnant with her second.
It was the first time my heart truly broke over hearing about someone else’s pregnancy…. but I did smile, say congrats and asked the usual questions.
Can fellow readers let me know their thoughts about whether or not I should tell her that while I am 100% happy for her, that some days I will be sad for me and not be the happiest person to be around as her belly grows? Or is it better just to be happy for her sake, and be down in the privacy of home?
I don’t want to rain on her parade, and had a cry when I got home after seeing her yesterday… I just don’t want to come across as rude on the days when I just can’t smile or visit her… as said this is the first time I’ve really had to deal with this kind of emotion (must be building as time goes on!?)
Appreciate your thoughts from those who have been there before!
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does she know that you’ve been trying? This happened to me a few months ago, but my best friend knew that we’d been trying, and she had tears in her eyes when she told me that they were pregnant with their second after one try.
She is very thoughtful with me, we talk about her pregnancy and I’m truly excited for her, but because she knows, she finds other people to complain about morning sickness and doctors visits to. I know that I couldn’t handle hearing complaints while we are still trying and she’s nearly 6 months into her pregnancy.
I like to remind myself that my chances of getting pregnant are not decreased because somebody else is pregnant – although it might seem obvious, it makes it easier to be happy for others.
All the very best! Hope we both get pregnant soon
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Thanks hamikay, lovely words. My friend does know I’ve been trying, but because she hasn’t ever had problems conceiving (this time she was ‘trying’ for one month) I don’t she understands how sometimes my heart pangs. I just knew I was tuning out yesterday when she was telling me how bad her morning sickness has been…. and I feel like I was bad friend yesterday… so I guess I just feel I should explain that some discussions aren’t easy for me.
Thanks again!
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I honestly think it depends on the person – as opposed to the closeness of the friendship. I am in that situation myself and have been fortuate enough to be very honest with one friend who had battled with infertility, following years of life threatening illness, and had come to the conclusion that she would not have children – only to end up having three children. She knows exactly how I feel and while speaking to her it was like she was reading my mind. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me after the conversation. I should note that until this conversation, I hadnt considered her a close friend, but now definately do.
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I would tell her how you are feeling.
I have been in your friend’s situation, and I picked up on the sadness but was confused by it and worried about it until my non-pregnant friend explained how she was feeling. Then I feel like it brought us closer and made me more aware of how special my baby was.
I never wished that my friend hid her feelings and the thought of her going home and crying after seeing me would break my heart. I suspect your friend would probably feel the same.
Good luck, with everything x
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Anon – I spent 4 years trying to conceive my first child and in that time my MIL became a great grandmother while I couldn’t even make her a grandmother. I think every close and remote friend had 1 or 2 or 3 children in that time. For me personally, I made a decision to hide my pain in private. I didn’t want to rob anyone of their joy because of my struggles. That said, there were days I found myself avoiding being around pregnancy talk and in the workplace I would excuse myself to head to the bathroom or something else subtle to avoid becoming visibly upset. The times it was hardest was in the throes of hormone treatment. It was hard but I felt I had a choice to be bitter or not and really didn’t want to lose friendships just because someone was more fertile than I. When I did become pregnant all my friends and family expressed pure joy for me and I loved it. At the same time I had another friend who was struggling to fall pregnant and could understand it from the other perspective and was grateful I had put on a brave front when I could. You may find you distance yourself a little from your friend but I would quietly navigate around the situation.
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Does your friend know about your struggles?
I, personally, dont see these issues as separate. You should be happy for your friend. But your friend should be sensitive to your feelings and be upset for you and share her feelings with you too.
I guess this can also depend on the person. I can compartmentalise my feelings and when I had a miscarriage I happily went to a friends baby shower a few days later, however, I understand some people cant put their own feelings aside and these things can be difficult for them.
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She will know, feel what you need to feel.
Xx
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I can relate too. I lost a baby many years ago and every time I would see a pregnant woman or a woman with a baby at that time I would just feel so angry, and alone. Then a few years later I had a possible miscarriage and the doctors just didn’t seem to care. I am now 19.5 weeks pregnant and am struggling to bond with the baby thinking something terrible is bound to happen and I am going to lose this one too. When I heard the news about Kate I felt really sorry for her, because she lost the right to announce her pregnancy to the world when she felt comfortable with it. I haven’t even announced it to ‘everyone’ yet (well, not unless you saw me). Nobody knows if they’ve been trying for 18 months already or have lost a baby along the way. We don’t know that. But now the media is already talking about twins as if she’s almost ready to give birth yet the poor girl hasn’t even made 12 weeks yet. I wish her all the best for a speedy recovery and every happiness and best wishes for her pregnancy.
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