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It’s not all about confidence.
I am tired of people saying, “Just feel good! It makes you look good!”
It might be true, but I don’t like it anyway, because it’s too much pressure.
I know the confidence people have good intentions. They want to make beauty more accessible. They’re trying to point out that beauty is available to all of us, all the time, we already are it. Which is a great thought. But since I’m not already glowing with self-esteem, I have to find another way.
And anyway, sometimes the confidence people get a little snippy. They have no patience for women feeling insecure. “Come on! You’re ruining it for everyone! Why can’t you tell you look fine?” The moment is always being spoiled by women’s insecurities. If only women would just stop whining and love themselves. Then we could finally do something interesting. Then we could have really good sex. I don’t know. The message is: you are suddenly beautiful when you get confident, because inner beauty is the only beauty that matters. Or because your inner beauty magically becomes outer beauty. So just do that.
It feels accusatory sometimes.
I think I’d rather feel good than look good, but I’m not sure that feeling good really changes the way I look. It’s more likely to just make me stop caring so much about the way I look. But somehow, we have ended up with this idea that feeling good means looking good.
Heroines are either naturally stunning or they don’t care even slightly how they look. Often, they are naturally stunning and they don’t care even slightly.
.
In Disney movies and fairytales, the villainess is often motivated by a desperate desire to stay young and beautiful. Remember Snow White’s stepmother? And probably like fifty other ones I’m writing too quickly to think of. The desire to be beautiful is gross. It’s dangerous. It’s sometimes despicable. It’s always at least a little pathetic.
It’s a lot of pressure. Stop feeling unattractive! Just decide to love yourself! And then you’ll look good! If you look bad, it’s because you’re insecure. Get secure! Be the woman whose smile lights up the room, simply because she’s so happy, all the time. Be the woman whose poise and self-assurance puts everyone else at ease, and makes everything feel somehow more reasonable. Be the woman whose warmth is radiant. Who doesn’t need makeup, who doesn’t worry about her weight, because she knows these things are trivial compared to her radiant warmth. Be the woman who trusts herself intrinsically, all the time. That is beautiful. Supermodels have nothing on that. Be her.
These are mixed messages. Wait…will I be AS beautiful as the supermodel if I feel good about myself? That doesn’t sound right…Or will people just stop caring completely what I look like? Am I supposed to want to be beautiful at all? Or is that not allowed?
This is much is clear: I am not that fabulously self-possessed woman. I am awkward. I am complicated, and not necessarily in lots and lots of cute ways that complicated women in movies are. I am too moody for incessant confidence and too doubtful for vibrant self-trust. I need reassurance. I can sometimes rely on myself and sometimes I really, really can’t.
I am a little of a lot of things. A little beautiful, a little ugly, a little totally messed up, a little ridiculously cool, a little tempestuous, a little obnoxious, a little lame, a little fun, a little full of potential. I am not an easy solution. Because there really isn’t one. I am one day at a time. I am tiny epiphanies.
But I will give the confidence people this much: it’s better to smile, when you feel like smiling.
But I also reserve the right to be totally mopey. To be frustrated when I need to. To not light up the room.
I don’t want to have to light up the room, OK? Not right now. Maybe later. But don’t tell me to light up the room.
Does a smile affect the way you feel? Do you think the way you feel can change the way you look?
Kate Fridkis blogs at Eat the Damn Cake. Her writing has appeared on Salon.com, A Practical Wedding, Jezebel, AOL’s front page, and on the Huffington Post among others. Kate lives in NYC and you can follow her on Twitter here.
Comments
55 Comments so far
I agree with Kate. Self confidence is one of the hardest things to gain in life. Nothing to do with physical attractiveness. People that have it should respect it – its a gift – not a given.
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This seems like giving in to insecurity to me, an excuse to really embrace the fact that you don’t own who you are. As a self-confessed confident person, I also take slight issue with the tone of the piece – I agree that I don’t understand it when people are all insecure and unconfident, and that it’s not really productive. However, nobody’s saying JUST BE CONFIDENT. That would be like saying to a brunette JUST BE BLONDE, or a man JUST BE A WOMAN.
For me, it’s a lack of understanding – I just don’t get why you’d be insecure. Everyone has issues – the confident amongst us included. It’s just a case of accepting that you are who you are, and embracing it. Nobody is perfect and everyone has issues relating to how they look/act/think/feel/are, but such is life. Find out who you are, know yourself, and embrace it.
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It’s just not always that simple, when you’ve spent your whole life reminding yourself that you’re not as good as everyone else. It’s a habit that’s really hard to change
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Whilst that may be true, the only person who can change that is you. And there’s no way you can do it by wallowing in your own misery because you’re not self-confident. For some confidence can appear to come naturally, but to many it’s not. It’s not something that is magically bestowed upon you from upon high, it’s not like a lottery win, it’s something you have to work on. And sometimes it’s bloody hard work, but it’s not impossible, you just have to try.
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I’m sorry, but i’m not sure what the author is trying to say.
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I think she’s just trying to say that she’s doing her best to be confident, but goshdarnit she deserves the right to feel shit if she’s not feeling too sparkly one day. I believe in faking it till you make it, but it does require a lot of energy and it can be exhausting. Sometimes it’s alright to have an off day where you feel like crawling under a mattress. I get them all the time, I just need to get those feelings out of my system and once I do, I usually bounce back =]
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I agree completely with Kate. You can’t just tell people to be confident and expect them to obey. It’s like asking someone to change their personalities.
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Of course not. Changing your attitude is a lot of hard work, but it can be done.
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love
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Great post Kate. For those who can’t follow, I think you must lack imagination! This is better writing than most stuff on this site in my opinion. A bit more subtle. Yes, pressure on women comes in many forms. Ridiculous, the dangerous exhortation to accept yourself to be beautiful.
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I have no idea what I just read.
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I think I need to be on acid to follow this post.
Maybe it is just that these ‘confident’ people of who you speak realise that how you look isnt really all that important in the scheme of things. If that is their message, I would be listening to them every minute of every day.
Far out, my head hurts now.
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I don’t really know what to make of this article. I’ve read it a few times, and I may be a little slow today, but I just don’t follow it. Reading through it was a bit like listening to Eeyore…just a morbid whinge about…smiling?
I also thought the “Shut Up” bit in the header was a bit harsh. Not sure who wrote that (author or publisher), but when you write a post about (I think??) respecting people’s right to not smile, and preface the post with “Shut Up”, it kind of drowns out your argument.
I dunno, maybe I’m just not following it today. Might go and have a coffee and see if it makes sense later on…
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I have two close friends who have lost heaps of weight in the last year – both were probably around a size ten, both are now whatever happens below size 6. One looks beautiful and we’re not worried about her at all because she’s smiley, funny, working hard and having a great time. The other looks like she’s going to die, and it’s not because the weight loss doesn’t suit her frame, it’s because of the look on her face.
Is this the most important topic in the world? No, and in fact, when I catch myself feeling down about my body, I say to myself ‘at least you don’t have a mental illness’. ‘Think of the starving children in Africa’ is a good point but it doesn’t resonate with me, as I don’t see any starving people in my life. I see people with mental illness and know that they and their loved ones would be thrilled to have nothing more serious than a chubby belly to worry about.
Don’t know why readers are attacking the poster – I think it’s a VERY common, and very annoying, phenomenon that we’re expected to be happy all the time, and look like it.
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Frankly I’m sick to death of hearing about women’s insecurities, their lack of confidence….we’ve all heard our mothers say this and it still rings true..”think of the starving children in africa” The point of that being; some people in the world have REAL problems so get over-yourself.
God this is the worst piece of navel gazing crap ive read in ages.
Oh well, Im going to leave Kate Fridkis to whinge, feel sad, depressed and insecure like she clearly wants to be while I get on and ENJOY my life, my body and my self.
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Gosh, I hope I don’t meet you at a dinner party!
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Not to be rude, but yeah, you’d best avoid me at a dinner party…I do tend to speak my mind.
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There’s speaking your mind and then there’s a little thing called tact.
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I actually wasn’t offended by anything Ponykid said. I agree. All this “body image issue” talk is boring. “Woe is me, super models and celebrities are gorgeous and I don’t look like them! It isn’t fair!! Waaaah!”
Kate is attractive. I think the fact she sees part of who she is as “positive body image advocate” is probably compounding the problem – spending all her time focusing on and analysing and writing about the issue.
I suspect true positive body image comes from not obsessing about it so much, and from focusing on OTHER THINGS – pursuing hobbies, sports, music, setting and achieving goals (other than weight loss), helping others…anything other than getting worked up about the images of beautiful people in movies and in magazines. A change of focus. I know it’s hard to break out of patterns of thinking and I wish Kate all the best.
I think if I met Ponykid at a party we would be laughing and having fun!!
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Personally I’d love to meet Ponykid at a dinner party. I don’t think anything she said was offensive, in fact I found the article to be more annoying and offensive than Ponykid’s comment.
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I disagree. Of course there are plenty of serious problems in the world, but body image can be one. Serious, life threatening illnesses like anorexia can stem from insecurity and lack of confidence (I’m not saying that everyone who is insecure about themselves has an eating disorder). I know that was one of the reasons why I developed anorexia. I was hospitalized several times and nearly died, so I can say for sure that it ISN’T as easy as ‘getting over yourself’.
Attitudes like yours are the reason why many people stay silent about their struggles. And as for ‘think of the starving children in Africa’, well, there will always be people who have bigger problems than you, but that doesn’t mean that you should ignore your problems.
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Sigh. The writer clearly isn’t talking about having anorexia and if she were it would be a totally different matter. Sometimes people need a reality check about what they are focusing on (or whinging about). There is mental illness and then there is just having a bad attitude.
Now we all have days where we feel down/not like smiling/etc and people who tell you to smile are going to annoy you, but who wants to write a bloody article about or more to the point, read an article about it. Like I said better things to focus on…speaking of which, Ive spent far too much time commenting on this so won’t be back to respond any further!
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Don’t go over to the “That’s right, you don’t work” article then, Ponykid!
I am apparently very male in my thinking to do with problems. ie if you’re telling me about it, you want help, so I will offer solutions or try to find one if I don’t have one. I don’t mind complaining, but do something about whatever you’re complaining about, or shut up! Drives me bonkers.
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I’ve never once heard someone say to me “Just feel good, it makes you look good”. I find this article wanders around everywhere like a ramble in a journal at 3am.
As to the question: The way you feel can change the way you look…AND the way you look can change the way you feel.
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Sorry but I’m going to have to disagree. I get “snippy” with people who constantly moan about their appearance because quite frankly it is boring, self-indulging and vapid.
We all have insecurities about our body but if it bothers you that much then do something about it! Otherwise move on and realise how lucky you are if your love handles are the number one concern in your life.
I know one of Mia’s pet causes is how the media supposedly incite negative body image in women (and yes I know Mia didn’t write this particular article, but she published it) but I find it such a FWP when so many other serious issues face women.
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I am just a very smiley person. I was born that way, I smile and laugh ALL THE TIME. Plus I get major depression, but I still smile….
Don’t quite know what the moral of this story is…
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Whenever I feel crap I put in extra effort with how I look – because my miserable mood is likely to spiral further if I don’t fell like I at least look good. So often when I walk into work and someone says ‘you look great’ i’ll tell them (in a fun way – we’re mates) it’s because I feel crap.
I don’t know where that fits in with Kate’s theories but it works for me! When i feel good about myself I tend to not care what I look like
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I do the exact same thing. Look good, feel good.
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My lips naturally slope downwards. So it looks like I am frowning or angry when my face is still. People always tell me to smile or ask “why are you upset?”. I used to have to defend myself- “this is how my face looks!” or “I am happy!”. I have always felt like a happy and contented person (most of the time).But it irritated me because I can’t walk around with a cheesy grin on my face all day.
But I have used this “so called flaw” to my benefit. I became a high school teacher! They ask me “why so angry Miss?”. I can easily reply “I know you are not doing any of your work!”
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oooh I have a friend with the same “so called flaw” and she lost a couple of customer service jobs because of it! Employers said she was too mopey and looked peeved all the time, so she was fired. So unfair!
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I just adore Bill Granger and when I read in the paper that he suffered some depression, I just couldn’t believe it. He just looked so happy and smiley. I was truly puzzled. A smile can change how you look to others. I still think he is amazing and don’t like him any less (maybe even a bit more?)
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Oh dear me…
What a mix of stereotypes, misunderstandings and unnecessary rule following!!
Let’s define confidence, first. Confidence is NOT confined to lighting up the room, being everyone else’s friend, being a supermodel (God NO!), or achieving the goal of being a completely different person – just like the magazines and advertisers want. Confidence is knowing WHO you are, and being content with that. No one said you should be happy all the time – it’s a ridiculous and unrealisitc thing to want to achieve. Emotions go up and down and we need to accept that. Being able to look at yourself in the mirror, and in your mind, and say “you know what, you’re a bit of alright!” NOT because you think you look like the people in the magazines (because we’re all intelligent to know that those images aren’t REAL), but because every day when you face the world, you do your best for yourself and for those around you, and you know that your everyday life is GOOD ENOUGH. Let GOOD ENOUGH be your new mantra. Why don’t we just stop looking at things like confidence as a direct correlation with external beauty, work success, or how often we smile. Look at the people around you and see that they are all good enough, and you are too. Just as you are.
THAT is confidence.
The paragraph you wrote that started with “I am a little of a lot of things”, then went on to list a whole lot of things that you are, is amazing confidence. To know who you are and be able to profess that to the world is wonderful. You are confident enough to be mopey and frustrated when you need to, which says that you are confident in yourself to deal with any emotions that come your way in a realistic manner. You should be proud of yourself!!
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Well said Emily … with confidence, realism and beauty too. I like your post.
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Such a great comment.
Enough is my word too. I AM enough and I HAVE enough- I have to remind myself of it sometimes but makes such a difference to the way I feel.
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Agree with u 100%, great post! It’s about being aware of the moment and accepting what is without getting strung out about it. Yes u might be feeling a certain mood or upset about something but u can acknowledge and accept that knowing that we are all in a constant state of change and ‘this too will pass’.
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I’m not 100% sure what this post is trying to say, but I do feel that feeling good about yourself makes you look better. A person can walk into a room and look gloomy, with stooped shoulders and droopy mouth, and look crap. The very same person can walk into a room with a big smile and head held high and back straight and they look a million times better. I have friends who aren’t ‘technically’ good looking according to the classical standard, but they are attractive because of the personality that shines through. And I have a couple of friends who would be really attractive, except that they’re always scowling and miserable.
It’s very hard to smile if you don’t feel like it, but I really do believe it changes your appearance.
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Not only does it change your appearance, but it changes your whole vibe!
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I think the best people are full of doubt. Most of my friends are doubtful about stuff, their opinions, life. It’s the ones that aren’t full of Doubt, that I’m wary of.
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I think if people don’t have doubts about some things then they’re probably just not smart enough to think about it enough! If one doesn’t have doubts it doesn’t make them confident, it makes them arrogant!
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I think feeling good just makes you care less about how you look. Simple as that.
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Good point, that’s so true!
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I do think the way we feel radiates out and alters our opinion of ourselves, as well as how others perceive us.
How many tiimes have you met a ‘normal pretty’ oerson and left thinking they were gorgeouos or so beautiful because of their smile, laugh, energy, personality etc?
And equally, i have met many ‘very beautiful’ people who leave me cold because their personality is so cold, closed, and unplpeasant.
i think a good way to go through life is to believe that you are beautiful, talented, interesting, smart, funny, hard working, caring, thoughtful, and someone that people are really happy to know. Basically everything we tell our kids to think and believe.
im not quite there yet, but ive had times of believeing it, and my outside hasnt changed that much, but peoples responses to me definitely have.
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i think when you feel good about yourself you probably pay more attention to yourself to look good as well.
It’s the only way that i can explain throwing on a sloppy jumper and trackies to leave the house when i feel like shit, and why i wear nice clothes and heels for no reason other than i want to when i feel good!
i think smiling can change the way you feel so from what I’ve written above, i guess it can change the way you look.
http://xxxmissvxxx.wordpress.com
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Sarah Wilson had a blog post about this. I have to agree. Sometimes the pressure to feel happy makes us feel worse for feeling a bit down. Being sad is not the end of the world; in fact, feeling a range of emotions is what makes life life!
http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/2010/11/sunday-life-the-benefits-of-not-being-happy/
I’d also like to say that sometimes it can be a bugger to be a naturally sunny person – people assume you are always happy and never have any problems. Sympathy or concern can be rare for us cheerful people (and we do, like anyone else, occasionally need it).
You can’t always assume you know what someone’s feeling because of how they look.
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I think a smile does make you look good.
You smile>people find you more attractive and friendly>they are nicer to you>you feel good because of all these lovely people!
I don’t think you need to smile if you’re having a bad day, but you should smile more than otherwise. I used to work in customer service and smiling people got better service, and smiling staff got better customers.
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The few times I’ve had some random guy tell me how beautiful I look have been when I’ve been feeling really good and smiling away to myself. It can’t be a coincidence.
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I agree that it is annoying when people tell you to smile if you are having a bad/sad day.
But, I don’t have patience for women who whinge about their appearance. I really don’t. Because I don’t care how you look. I almost don’t care how I look. We all look like human beings. The end.
This should be in the other column about ‘first world problems’.
Sure, every now and then there might be a twinge of “oh, i look a bit crap”…but then you have to think “so what if I do? What does it mean if I look crap? It doesn’t mean I AM crap”.
We all have to stop being such suckers. There is no problem with the way you look – the only people who really want you to look different to how you look are the companies trying to sell you the things which will make it so.
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People telling you to smile when you’re having a bad day…grrrr. Wouldn’t it be so much better if we just took a minute to ask why they look like they’re having a bad day? Do you want to vent? You can share it with me if it makes you feel better? I have a multitude of friendships that started this way and that makes me feel really beautiful. I don’t care if I was never picked to be on the cover of a magazine … I really, really don’t. And my friends don’t have to look like magazine covers either.
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I can’t fake a smile either. It doesn’t reach my eyes and just looks like a grimace.
I am almost that self-assured woman. Almost. I’m short, rubenesque. I have a wicked sense of humour and I laugh readily. I’m average looking but I could be more … ‘unfortunate’. I feel good about myself most of the time. But despite my best efforts, a small part of me still wishes I were beautiful.
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What a bitter, sad, depressing read!
I’m not even close to looking like a Vogue model but at least my self-esteem looks awesome.
Yep, I’m smiling as I write this too!
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It totally pisses me off when people tell me to smile. None of your business people, back off. The last person to do it did it on the day my grandmother was being buried. He didn’t do it again…
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Story of my life:
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I am bad at smiling unless it is genuine. I can’t smile for a camera or because my mother tells me to because I just can’t. My face screws up and my eyes close and I feel stupid.
I feel good when I feel good but I don’t look better
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I 100% agree, I cant fake a smile. When I do, my eyes are saying a completely different story and and then people think I are being fake. I think many forms of beauty are fake in todays modern world and I personally want nothing to do with it. People should be able to see beauty in one another without the modern day superficial expectations. This would make for a more understanding world.
The person at the party who smiles, but knows when they get home they have a spouse who abuses them or the friend who is secretly suffering on the inside are left to fend for themselves. All because people want us to always smile?
Maybe, this is a result of our tech savy age and people not willing to adress anything that needs adressing in real life on both sides of the ledger.
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I’m the exact opposite! I smile more when I am sad, so I don’t show it. And for some reason, my un – genuine smile looks the same as my genuine smile. Am I the only one who does this?
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