Group Therapy time where we get to use our collective wisdom to help a Mamamia reader solve a dilemma. Karen* writes….
I’m very torn about living overseas. I feel the UK has never been my home and we’ve almost lived here 10 years. My husband loves it, he hasn’t visited home for 7 years but I need to go back at least every 2 years just to find myself because I don’t feel like me over here, is that weird?
Have you ever lived overseas and really felt like you aren’t being yourself, or you miss things like Sportsgirl, local newspapers etc? I approached him a few days ago to ask him what our plans for the next year or so are and I mentioned the economy is improving and when it was a good time for the housing market to sell, we should sell and go back because 10 years is a long time and our parents are older and we live so far away and he immediately said “we’re NOT moving back to Australia!”I’m really unhappy and feel I’ve lost what I loved about myself and everyday I cry about missing everyone, things I liked doing and being Home. Home is very important to me so I’ve not really been settled over here. Sydney’s my Home.
Do I follow my dream to be happy and if that means leaving my husband should I be putting myself first, or should I wait it out a little bit to see if he decides to change his mind? I’ve actually been torn about this for a couple of years and spoke to my Mum about it and she said “a wife’s place is with her husband and if that means he wants to live in the UK then you have to stick by his decision.” I can see what she means because I don’t want to break up our marriage but really, why can’t my happiness be considered? Why am I always bending over backwards to make the relationship work and feeling like a failure? It stresses me out and could also be contributing to why I can’t get pregnant, although I know that’s hurt him a lot and I think its driving us apart as well as lack of communication, lack of time spent together, him always working.
The other big thing is a few years ago he had an affair, he said it barely went anywhere but since then I really can’t trust and feel a big piece of me is being made a fool of. As they says once a cheater always a cheater so should I just follow my heart or give him time to come around? My best friend says I should just tell him I’m going or just not tell him and move back but we’ve been together 15 years and I feel I need to be honest and loyal to him or the past 15 years will all be for nothing.
Living outside of Australia is not its all cracked up to be and its making me miserable. What do you suggest?
Top Comments
What a lovely day for a 888803! SCK was here
Hi Karen,
I just wanted to say I wish you all the best.
I too am in a similar situation. So rest assured you are not alone!
My husband is English and I'm Australian. He has always proposed for us moving back to the UK in 2012 (pretty much since we arrived in Oz). Which by then would make 6 years of living in Australia for us. As 2012 draws near, I have such mixed feelings for the UK. Partially because of my in-laws and the very thought of leaving my family and friends behind saddens me. But hey…we come from different countries…what are you going to do??
Anyway things have kind of turned for hubby and I recently. Well not recently, we have been going in circles to be honest through out our 4 year marriage. We are either really good and focused on our future or really bad and we say dramatic things to each other and act cold towards each other. Hubby says there is something missing in our relationship. He feels different towards me/us. I have similar feelings too. I sense we have fallen out of love with each other. We have become matter of fact and maybe even more like house mates? There are parts of hubby I like and I miss but there are also parts of hubby I don’t even like as a person. I’m still figuring it out.
Hubby has now proposed to move back to the UK in 2011 - on his own for a year. Plain and simple it’s a separation. I’m so hurt by this. But I figured if he chooses to go there is not much I can do. How does the saying go “if you set someone free…” Maybe a trip to Oz for you might clear things for you?
Oh and the maybe baby situation for you. I’m there too. I have suffered two miscarriages recently and now struggling to fall pregnant, one year on. I wonder if I had a baby would it clear things up for hubby and I? And we start working like a team, like we use too? If we did have kids either in Oz or the UK I don’t think it would matter WHERE - as long as I have kids I will be happy. I understand you are not trying to have a baby to save your marriage but perhaps it might gel things? That’s how I fell sometimes (most of the time)…but then again maybe we aren’t meant to have kids. Only time will tell.
Again Karen you are not alone…much love from Melbourne!
xA
PS I use to live in Sydney…so I can understand why you are homesick.