Etiquette. What does that word even mean anymore?
In a world where we text during dinner, automatic doors mean nobody needs to do the opening and meals are generally enjoyed on the couch, with the TV on and not at a set table – etiquette has become a bit of an anomaly.
The Mamamia Team received an email this week asking about the correct etiquette in a very particular scenario.
Tammy* wrote:
I caught a plane over the weekend. When I got off the plane and was walking towards the airport exit, I found myself walking directly behind a woman wearing pale blue pants. She had quite an obvious period stain on the back of her pants.
I wanted to say something but we were surrounded by people and everybody seemed to be in such a rush that I didn’t think they would have noticed anyway. I also didn’t want to embarrass her… I’m quite a shy person and would personally be mortified if someone pulled me aside to say something.
But then I asked a couple of my friends and they were horrified that I hadn’t said anything. Did I break some kind of rule of the sisterhood? Should I have pulled her aside? I feel so incredibly guilty now. But what was I supposed to do?
They say that he mark of a true friendship is when a friend is comfortable enough to tell you about the kiwifruit seed in your teeth or even the leaked period blood on your pants. But is it okay to point out the same sort of thing to a total stranger?
Over to you. What was the correct etiquette in this situation? What should Tammy have done?
*Tammy has asked to use a pseudonym.
Comments
136 Comments so far
Periods always reduced the confidence in me, specially since I am physically weak and worried about stains on those days.. Worrying about stains is my past issue now, after I have started using Adira period panties. I would recommend all my girlfriends to use them.
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Hi well I guess I have to say it happened to me today my period was quite lite in the morning but all of a sudden it must have gotten heavy and I have pollycystic ovarys and I hadn’t had my period for a long time and it has been an off dark colour so I got home from doing shopping just an hour or too ago and was exteremily embarrassed and I would have wished somebody would have said something to me, because or the colour of my period it looked like I had shat my pants. I don’t think I can ever shop there again. I’m so embarrassed!
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Absolutely you let any woman know if the opportunity is there. No question about it, nothing more to say really…… Oh and if she doesn’t have a coat or a cardy and you do, offer it up so she can wrap it around her hips in a jaunty fashion while you walk to the restroom together.
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When I was 13 I had the unfortunate experience of spending a good two hours walking around with my school dress caught in my undies. Oh the joy!
Not one of my friends, or teachers, pointed it out to me. Although, I guess I can thank the two popular girls of my year level for snickering and pointing at me as I walked past, which led me to go to the bathroom and check what it was they were so clearly amused by.
Thanks guys!
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I know that I’d feel very awkward if a stranger pointed out a period stain to me, but I’d much rather feel awkward for a second than continue on unawares!
I think it’s definitely appropriate to say something, albeit very subtley. Whether that person is grateful or not, at least I will know that I hadn’t let someone be more embarrassed than they needed to because I had been too chicken to say something.
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I can remember when I was about 14 I went to a kitchen tea and I was sitting with my legs up. I had white pants on and I had leaked everywhere and not one person told me. I only noticed when I got home. This was an all female group and people would have noticed. To this day I can’t believe no one told me. And for this reason I would always say something.
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definately absolutely definately say something!! the first time i witnessed a stain i was 12. we were on a sports camp hanging out in a guys dorm and one of the girls stood up. pale pink pj’s. one of the boys immediately told her in a serious voice that she had sauce on her legs. i don’t know if he knew it was a period and tried to hide it or that he actually thought it was sauce. me and the other girls NEVER talked about it. neither did she even when she returned to room later.
the next time it happened i was 17 at school lunchtime noticed it on a school mate. told her- she said thanks. she didn’t attend any classes after lunch.
my friends and I always checked each other after sitting for long periods of time.
i am so paranoid about it happening to me, i have never worn a tampon, i always wear the biggest baddest pad i can get my hands on!!!!
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I have taken complete strangers aside and pointed out period stains before. While there has been a degree of discomfort in the situation, each woman has been very thankful for my comments.
What has motivated me is how I would feel if the situation were reversed – I would far prefer the embarrassment of having such a conversation with a stranger than the greater humiliation of discovering the stain myself, maybe hours later!
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I’d also like to add, having read through the huge amount of shame and embarrassment from women about what is actually a natural function that the human race and allows us to reproduce – a source of huge joy for both men and women …
If men had periods, this would not be a huge cause of shame and embarrassment, it would just be something unfortunate that could happen, and wouldn’t mean you were dirty, disorganised, or had somehow failed as a person. It would just be an unfortunate event of plumbing, too much liquid for not enough soaking up equipment. Get over it ladies!
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I really respect the way you’ve articulated your opinion Sarah, but i disagree strongly. I don’t think you have to wear your period on your pants (!) to embrace womanhood and all that it offers, any more than we should be proudly wearing vomit, faeces, saliva or any other ‘natural’ fluids the body produces. Simply managing these things for the sake of convenience and living our lives doesn’t mean we’re any less in touch with our femininity …
Semen is also natural bodily fluid that allows us to reproduce … not sure I need to see guys walking around with semen stains in their trousers though!!
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No, I think leave her alone!
Being pulled aside by someone who may or may not, come across as judgemental or patronising, to be told something it’s already too late to fix anyway because people have probably already noticed, is WORSE than realising later and being able to laugh it off and go “oh well”.
I’ve walked through a shopping centre in a sundress and later realised I had a period stain and you know what? I’m human and these things happen. I could have my ‘OMG moment’ at home and then let it go. Had someone pulling me aside, would have been far worse. Let’s give each other a break from needing to be perfect all the time. That includes between strangers!!!
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How is it wrong to let someone know something like this? I doubt there are any people who would be purposely walking around with their period blood showing, and if they haven’t realised, they would probably like the opportunity to do something about it.
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It’s fine coming from a friend, but it’ll probably be awkward if I got pulled aside by a stranger.
Don’t worry Tammy, I probably would’ve done the same thing.
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We had a code word in high school just for this situation. I’m not sure how it started or who started it but everyone knew (except the boys). It was something like “midlife crisis”. It made it really easy to tell someone without getting embarrassed.
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I was walking through Greenwood Plaza in North Sydney once in the morning rush and noticed the woman in front of me had her skirt tucked up under her handbag and her undies were on display. I went up to her, walked beside her and told her quietly so as not to make a scene. Her reaction shocked me, she was quite abrupt. Obviously she was embarressed but she didnt even thank me.
I really regretted telling her after that, if she has such bad manners I should have let her continue!
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Anon, I think you might be mistaking mortification for abruptness! I’ve had an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction pointed out to me by a stranger before and although I later realised that I hadn’t even thanked her, I was so preoccupied with subtly trying to fix it that I didn’t even give it a thought.
If it makes you feel any better, you did a good thing by saving her from future embarrassment
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Oh god, I saw this happen recently! I was at a waterpark, and a girl (of about 20) was playing very energetically and flirtatiously with some guys, slipping and sliding around in a white bikini. She looked gorgeous, except that her whole tampon string hanging out of her bathers. I was on the landing above her so there was no way to casually draw her attention without making a huge scene. It was awful!! I still cringe for her.
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This takes me back to high school when I noticed a male friend had his zipper down and I was too embarrassed to say anything. Someone told him a few hours later and I pretended that I didn’t even notice. These days I say xyz (for examine your zipper).
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Love the xyz! I’m using that hehe
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I always would and have told the person. They were always so grateful!
I would rather someone told me than I find out later on and wonder how long it had been there for and how many people could have seen it there and not have told me.
I always think of what I would want to have happen and do that.
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I’m a high school teacher – have to tell girls ALL the time. It’s awful, but not as bad as having the head lice conversation…
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It’s more horrifying to discover these things on your own back at home, and wonder how long it had been there, and why no one else said anything.
How could telling someone discreetly possibly be bad?
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This is a no brainer. You tell the person!!!
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I remember in early high school a girl sitting with a group of older girls quietly approached one of my friends and told her and took her off to the sick bay to get it sorted. We never really thought about it at the time, and whilst all our group of friends were there and aware of it happeing we never discussed it or never brought it up with our friend. She was a very shy girl and had her period before most of us so we didnt want to embarass her anymore. Looking back now this was a lovely way the older girl did it and so discreet too. As the plastic seats at high school were quite hot and sticky whenever we stood up we would just say the word ‘check’ to one of our friends and they would alert us as to whether we were safe! Im glad it never happened as our school were very pedantic about the rule of no jumpers around your waist for some reason!
As an adult, I am such a frequent urinator I would hope it didnt happen to me as i would catch it before it got that bad! (although i did have a few leaks in hospitatl after baby born)
I think if i saw it on someone else, I may tell them if appropriate ie if it meant chasing them through the airport i probably wouldnt, but if i could quielty and discreetly do it i would
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I’ve had a lady tell me I had a run in my stockings while I was on the way to get some more. It kind of annoyed me cos she said it really loudly and it felt like she was just trying to point out a flaw on purpose. So I kind of just rolled my eyes at her and said yeah I know im on my way to get more and walked away. Felt bad after but felt like she was trying to deliberately embarrass.
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I remember in Year 9 I started my period in the middle of maths class. It wasn’t my first but i’d probably had it for less than a year at this stage so was still adjusting to the whole period thing. I asked to go to the toilet in the middle of class and didn’t have any pads so I stuffed my undies with toilet paper. I remember checking for a stain and noticing a small one on the back of my dress! My dress was white and pale green so stains were obvious. i was absolutely mortified, of course. Luckily it was the middle of class so nobody was around in the hallways so I snuck up to my locker in the same building, got a jumper and put it around my waist. Luckily I caught the stain before (I think) anyone saw it. I spent the rest of the day absolutely paranoid that a teacher would ask me to take my jumper off and someone would see the stain and I couldn’t relax for the rest of the day. After that incident, I always wore bike shorts when I had my period and due to this I never got a stain on my uniform again!
In High school I often saw girls with a stain on their uniform. I think this is the combination of the fact that we had a light-coloured uniform and the fact that at this age girls are still adjusting to the whole period-thing and not sure how to cope. Plus periods are probably more erratic and unpredictable. Back then I was always too embarrassed to tell anyone but now that I’m an adult I would probably quietly and subtly say something. I’ve never seen a stain on an adult so never had to say anything but if it was a friend I would definitely mention it.
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I was shopping at Chadstone and a girl came up to tell me I had toilet paper hanging out of my pants (how embarrassing right!) but I was super grateful she came up and told me as I would be mortified to walk around like that a moment longer. Same goes for stains, etc. and because it was stranger to stranger it’s not like we’ll ever see each other again.
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I would want somebody to tell me so I could do something about it. Although I am shy I would have pulled the lady aside and let her know, it’s the right thing to do.
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Tammy should have run up behind the lady.and put her hand on her shoulder, pulled her aside, and told her quietly.
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When I was in early high school some older girls pulled me aside at lunch time to tell me I had something on the back of my skirt.
I was so excited, I had butterflies in my tummy, because I hadn’t yet gotten my period, and thought this was it.
It wasn’t – I had sat on someone’s meat pie.
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I guess you hope someone would tell you but it does depend on the situation. The main thing is you need to be discreet and polite.
I’ve never been in the situation where I’ve noticed a period stain on someone else but I know I would mention it.
Interestingly I’ve been in the situation where someone told me. I was in high school, wearing those thin summer dresses and hadn’t had my period yet so obviously I was a bit unprepared. Thankfully it was just a few drops on the back of my dress. But the real surprise of the story is that it was a boy, not a girl, who alerted me to the fact. And on top of that, he was really polite and discreet. 12 years later, I’m still friends with him.
So I guess the morale of the story is to be nice about it and teat the person with some dignity.
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I had a nice, kind person at the beach tell me my tampon string was poking out of my swimmers but I’ve never had period dramas. I think I’d say something like ‘you’ve got a mark on the back of your skirt/pants – you might want to check it out, there’s a bathroom over there….(point in the general direction)
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I had this dilemma recently while on a Contiki tour in Europe. I was sharing a hotel room with two other girls I wasn’t hugely close with. The Aussie girl and I were sick and exhausted so were going to bed, the Canadian was going clubbing with a bunch of guys who were in the room next door.
We realised after she’d left the room that there was blood on the bed where she had been sitting. We had a should we/shouldn’t we conversation and in the end I popped my head out and called her back into the room and discreetly told her. She didn’t really care though!
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I walking around in town when I was about 18, and it was about noon- ish, so quite a few people walking around getting lunch, shopping etc. I saw one woman in a white skirt with a large period stain and I didn’t know what to do, I was do embarrassed for her. That was over 25 years ago, abd I still hate to think of it to this day. When did she find out, and how many embarrass twits like me didn’t tell her? What must she have felt? I still feel bad about it. I am now a ‘teller’ – blood, boogers, tight tuck, toilet paper on the shoe, zippers….That said, BO and bad breathe are more difficult to address.
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“Excuse me, just thought id let you know you have a mark on your pants/skirt”
would be ok to say.
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Of course you tell them. I would rather know.
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My office looks out to the street. No way of communicating with people on the street other than to wave though. The other day a girl with a thin dress and backpack walked past. The friction from the backpack meant her dress had come up completely! She had stockings on too so probably didn’t ‘feel’ anything. I really hope someone told her!
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This happened to me once, at work, in an all-male office. I worked with my dad and he was the one who told me.
Unfortunately I had been walking all through St Leonards like that as it happened while I was lying in the sun on my lunch break!
Really wish someone had told me while I was walking down the Pacific Highway! Next time definitely tell them!
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I’m surprised by the lack of personal hyigene from an adult. However I do understand accidents can happen. I like to put myself in other peoples shoes.
If it were me I would like to be told, mmm maybe or maybe I would prefer people saying nothing. At least that way when you get home you don’t feel embrassed when you notice, cause in your mind you tell yourself no one noticed or they would have said something. If someone points it out to you, you would want to Earth to open up and swallow you.
Either way I would speak up and say something. You would just hope she had a jumper to put around her waist to hide her embarssment. There is nothing worse then when someone points something out to you and you can’t do anything about so your stuck with the walk of shame.
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It’s not about personal hygiene. Sometimes it just happens that women whose flow is stronger/unpredictable have a leakage – it doesn’t always show on clothing but it can if it’s heavy enough.
My periods, for example, are so heavy at times that I have to change my tampon every hour, then it gets really light and I think it’s petering out and then *bam* it’s back as heavy as before! The drawback to being a woman
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“I’m surprised by the lack of personal hyigene from an adult.”
You must be so excited that your periods are ALWAYS on time, and ALWAYS the same flow, and ALWAYS when you’re completely prepared for them! Luckiest lady in the world right here
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I always tell and yes it’s squirmy and uncomfortable but every person I have ever given a heads up has been stupidly greatful. The last time I told a very drunk girl she toilet paper on her shoe she hugged me…….. little OTT I guess I work in a restaurant and often tell people if they have food on their face or clothes. Wish someone had told me the other day on placement with the grade 6′s that I have soy sauce on my face grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Clearly karma hasn’t reached me yet
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I have seen the most mortifying things in this situation. First, being at an airport myself, my ex husband and our friends off on a weekend away. My ex husbands big bold grazier mate spotted a lady with a stain on her pants and proceeded to tell her ( in her ear) “Love you need to go to the toilet”.
I thought that was quite OK. Or he could have asked his wife or I to say something.
2nd time was a ladies lunch during Melbournes Spring Racing Carnival at one of the major pre race functions. They chose a quite large lady to enter best dressed at the lunch. She popped up on the catwalk and had ‘leaked’ all over her skirt. Drunken women are not nice. Whilst we tried to alert the staff to what was happening, a lady on the next table snorted “Oh my god the fat lady has her rags!” All class.
I’m voting for telling. QUIETLY.
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Oh God what a bitch!
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I could only do it if I knew the woman extremely well, and even then I might ask another woman…extremely well to us both…to tell her.
I remember in high school, a teacher asked me to escort a female student up to sick bay to get assistance as I happened to be the first student in 12th grade to catch her eye. It was apparent that her period had just started. I have no idea if it was her first period and she was unprepared for it or what, but we were both as embarassed as hell.
Strangely, because of this we became quite good friends and we still contact each other on a semi regular basis throughout the year.
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When you wrote “I happened to be the first to catch her eye” I thought you actually caught her eye as it fell out. Really.
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That’s funny !
I’m picturing this eye hurtling towards me like a cricket ball.
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Timely. A woman ahead of me on the escalator today had part of her skirt tucked into something or other. Not full undies tuck, not terribly shameful, it took me the whole ride to work out if it had a split or was tucked. Shamefully I wimped out and didn’t tell her. I feel bad, I was just being a wimp. This post motivates me to saying something next time in these situations. I would like it if someone told me.
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I think I would have gone for the “exuse me, you seem to have something on your pants… you might want to pop to the ladies and check it out” … with a friendly smile of course…
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My school uniform was a plain white dress (I lived overseas in a very humid country and white was the coolest colour apparently). Once a month you would spot a girl with a period stain and have to pull her aside. Once I was getting picked up by my mum and I noticed a girl with a stain who was walking to the bus stop. I pulled her aside and we offered her a lift home instead of he having to catch the bus.
I with you should have told her.
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If it happened that often, I can’t believe they didn’t change the uniform!
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I would definitely tell the person.
One day I was on the bus and the person in front of me had her top on inside out. I debated for a minute or so whether to tell her, and decided that I would like someone to tell me if I was in the same situation. So I stood next to her and quietly said “did you know your top is on inside out?” She was very grateful for the info as she would have been at work all day with an inside out top!
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This made me chuckle, I have three kids, one is 6 months old and a Terrible sleeper so I am ridiculously sleep depreived, over the past few months I have gone to the shops with tops inside out, stickers on me, not to mention dribble stains (from the baby not me!) etc and have been told a few times about the mess I am in. I always appreciate it and it doesn’t even embarrass me anymore since it is baby no 3!
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That reminds me of one morning when I was terribly sleep deprived and a lovely lady stopped me to tell me that I had my top on inside out. I must’ve (without meaning too) let out an exasperated sigh (totally directed at my clumsiness and not at her!). She straight away started apologising and saying I’m sorry to upset you! Poor thing. And I just replied “Oh no, not upset at you, just not surprised that my top’s inside out!”
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I still remember the horrible day that I was on a school excursion in Year 8 and kept thinking that people were laughing about me and whispering. Hours later someone finally told me that I had a big period stain and I’ve never been so mortified. It was a horrible age to have that happen and then to know that all day people had known and hadn’t told me. Honestly though, at that age, they were all too embaressed to say anything either. This was in the 80s – hope girls are more able to face these things these days.
So yes, even though she will be mortified that you told her, the longer it goes on and nobody tells her the worse it is for her.
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I say a resounding Yessssssssss tell the poor lady imediately , that way she can put a cardi around her waist till she gets to the loo,,,,,,, just do it she will be embarrassed but she will be mortified if she thinks she walked the full length of the airport with everyone looking at her.
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Yes yes yes you should have definitely pulled her aside and told her. God I’d be horrified if I was that woman and no one told me.
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Understand accidents happening as a teen but an adult woman? And not to realize??
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Some womans periods are not like clockwork, so of coarse this could happen at any age! and if you are someone who has very light periods with no cramping, i am sure it would be very easy to miss! I get serious cramping a day before and usually like clockwork so I am aware, but there have been times when it surprised me..the only thing that saved me is that i wear a lot of black!
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Some women in the peri-menopausal stage experience extremely heavy and unpredictable periods. Unless they want to wear sanitary protection 24/7 every day of the month there may be times they get “caught out.”
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Oh, honey… You obviously don’t have the same flow as me.
Only because we are talking graphically here, I’ll say that on a heavy day I could soak through a tampon and a pad in an hour.
So, yeah. Lucky me.
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Yep, me too.
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Before I went on the pill i didn’t really have a regular cycle- i sort of knew when my period was coming but not really. Once at uni I noticed my shorts had a little red patch- I had to rush down to the shopping centre with my bag in front of me to buy another pair of pants to wear!
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I have told on several occasions, I would like to be told, so I wouldn’t let someone else walk around like that, having said that you can do it discreetly.
The latest occasion was a few weeks ago, we have a bus stop in front of our house & there was a group of teenagers ( girls & boys) waiting for the bus when I went to check our letterbox. I noticed that one of the girls had a very noticeable blood stain on the back of her white jeans. I waited until I could get her attention discretely, and whispered to her that she has a stain on her jeans & I thought she may have sat on something. It took her a couple of minutes to realize what I was saying and then she went bright red. I felt so sorry for her I asked her if she wanted to use the bathroom & she managed to get inside without anyone noticing. When she saw the stain she burst into tears, I felt so sorry for her, I quickly scrambled to find a pair of jeans for her to borrow. I told her to tell her friends she had ripped her jeans on our fence, and I had offered to repair them while she was in the city.
She came back the following day to return the jeans with a box of chocolates, which was very sweet. I had soaked and washed her jeans so she could avoid any further embarrassment at home.
I remember how easily I could be made to feel humiliated in front of and often by my friends when I was a teenager, so I was willing to risk being told where to go if I could prevent a young girl from that situation.
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What a lovely person you are to do that!
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You are such a lovely person!
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You are an angel
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What a lovely story! You are such a legend!!
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Oh my goodness-you are such a nice person. Your post has made my day!
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You are amazing!
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You win.
First prize.
For just being so nice.
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Tears of kindness are in my eyes (and I’m in the train!)
How wonderful to know there are people like you in the world.
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The world needs more people like you! Totally agree you have to tell her. I had to tell a girl on a year 8 boat trip despite a group of bitchy bullies telling her to twirl around and show them her “nice pants”.
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Just adding my voice to the growing chorus
You are awesome!
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Oh my god….. You are THE nicest person EVER. I hope if one of my girls ever has the same issue there is someone like you around to help out. The world would be a much better place if there were more like you x
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You just made my very shitty day brighter!!! Good on you x
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You my dear are what I call a gem.
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I love this story, I love how awesome you are and I love that your comment has 150+ thumbs up!
You’re seriously a wonderful woman
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You are so lovely! But…..white jeans on your period? I guess that is a lesson you have to learn as a teenager!
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I wish I lived in a bus stop so you could be my neighbour; you rock!
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Wow! You went above and beyond
How sweet are you! That girl will always remember you and your kindness.
I remember I had a boyfriend once that offered to wash a blood stain from some shorts I was wearing around the house when I had a leakage. I was horrified! and said, no way that’s unhygenic
The fact that you did this for a stranger is very cool!
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i hope to be more like you… you’re lovely!
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I agree what a nice thing to do for someone. It’s nice the girl was appreciative
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I have just logged onto Mamamia for my daily read and I must say I’m a bit shocked by all of the responses to my reply. Thank you for all of your lovely comments.
I have a 7 year old daughter and I would like to think that some one would do the same thing for her if she were that age. It’s lovely to read so many similar stories here. I really didn’t think it was a big deal at the time, and the young girl involved being appreciative was more than enough thanks.
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If only there were more people like you in the world – you are so kind !!
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I would gently and quietly say, “Excuse me, I just noticed that you have small mark on the back of your pants,” and if there were other ways I could help her, I would. I have a teenage son and I have asked him to very quietly offer his school jumper to any girl in this situation at school – to look after all women as if they are his sister.
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Tiffani you’re a fabulous Mum! Mental note to have the same conversation with my 14 yo son – I think he would probably do this anyway but this is just excellent parenting, good on you
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You brilliant mum Tiffani!
My boyfriend has told me that when he was in the early years of high school, he knew absolutely nothing about ‘women’s business’, bless his naive soul.
One day a poor girl in his class had a leak, and bf told the teacher because he thought she was hurt :-/ The girl was mortified, he was mortified..
So yes, educate your boys! That would be such an awesome thing for your son to do.
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At least he did something even if he was naive about periods etc.
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What a wonderful mum you are, with a terrific son. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a comment ‘liked’ so much.
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Whoops, I stand corrected! (I read from the oldest comments to the newest. Still think you’re super ace though!!!!)
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I’d definitely tell – I’d be mortified, but I’d do it because I would want to know if it was me. Imagine that same woman getting home, or to a bathroom somewhere – and then seeing it for herself. Better she is only embarassed around the one person who points it out, rather than running through her head all the many people that may have seen.
I don’t know about you – but knowing how my mind automatically goes to the maximum worst case scenario type of panic, I would’ve blown it up to be as bad as possible if I was that woman, and I would’ve been horrified, assuming everyone had seen it and laughed or been disgusted. Poor thing.
Awful spot that you were in, but I would’ve “bitten the proverbial bullet” and said something very discretely. Perhaps after walking closely behind her in a lame attempt to block others from seeing it, before getting off the plane and finding an opportunity to quietly tell her.
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Oh I would discreetly, definitely say something, just as I would want someone to let me know if the role was reversed. I had mentioned to a lady I was serving once about her nose, just touched my nose and said something like “your nose” she was very grateful. The worst thing happened to me is pen or make up smudged over face and horrified when I go to the bathroom and see it in the mirror and no work colleague or friend has let me know!
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