Em Rusciano
by EM RUSCIANO.
I saw a headline today that put the fear of a small furry seal being approached by a great white, into me:
“Mum wins custody case after lunch box battle”.
Holy crap balls, I thought. That’s a thing? I mean that’s a thing they can bust you for or use against you? Instantly I thought back to all the times I’ve put chewy in as a snack or tried to wrap soup in foil. (Yes. I really did that. The result was not pretty – no tiny teddies survived that day.)
As I apprehensively clicked on the article, what I read was much, much worse.
It appears a custody battle has gone down and the mother in this situation felt that her child should not be living with her estranged husband because he did NOT cut up their son’s fruit, allowed him to eat chips and ice-cream and put plastic sandals on him.
SAY WHAT?!?
The providing of jam sandwiches and clothing issues were also sited as misdemeanors on the part of the father.
Where are we? www.PETTY.com
I just can’t. I don’t even know where to start with this one, so I’m going to put it down and walk away from it for now and pick up another angle.
I suspect part of this mother’s issue is fun-parent-anxiety.
Let me explain.
I have a few friends who have separated from their husbands and they inevitably complain about not being the “fun parent” any more.
Em walking to school with her daughter.
Being the fun parent is kinda like being Carrie Bradshaw. What I mean is, everyone thinks they’re the fun parent, even if deep down you know you’re not, you still wish you were.
Most women who like Sex and the City, like to think that they’re Carrie, when perhaps they’re really Miranda (with a touch of Samantha thrown in when cocktails are involved).
If you have custody of your child during the week like “Lunch Box Mum” probably has, then your job is to keep the engine running. The enforcing of routines is your role. The doing of homework is your responsibility. You become nobody’s favourite robot: Nagg-a-tron. (That is what I call myself when I am attempting to discipline my children.)
When Dad comes to get the kids for the weekend (or whatever the arrangement may be) it’s all fun times ahoy. Mum feels as though she has been forced into being Mrs Hannigan doing all the boring yet necessary stuff, while good old Daddy Warbucks gets to take the kid to Awesome Town.
If we move our attention to families where the parents are still together and put on our ‘mass generalisation’ hats, then I would say that MOST of the time, Dad is usually considered the fun parent, as Mum is usually (not always) Captain of the good ship Home.
It may or may not surprise you to know that I am the fun parent.
I really am.
I’m not just saying that.
I. AM.
I happily admit that I find it very hard to discipline my children without cracking a smile. I believe there isn’t much that glitter can’t fix and I try to say yes to most things as I think a lot of parents say no because it’s easier.
I know, I hate me too after that sentence – but it’s what I think. I also think unicorns are real so you can choose to take what I say with a grain of salt.
This leaves my ever-suffering husband to enforce the rules. He monitors the TV watching as I would happily watch She-Ra marathons with my kids if allowed. He ensures that they get out and play after school (see aforementioned marathon).
He yells when the dog has glitter on its bum because it smelled and Odette my youngest was trying to fix it (which I think is perfectly reasonable)… but ok you see why I am not the enforcer in this situation.
I love being the fun parent. I also double as the injury parent and the bad dream parent. It’s win-win!
Em Rusciano is the host of Mamamia Today on Austereo (which you should be tuning into at 3pm every weekday because it’s ace) and regularly appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here.
Are you the fun parent or the enforcer? Perhaps you have mastered both and wish to share your secret here.
Comments
36 Comments so far
My boyfriend has decided he will be super dad while I’ll be tiger mum.
We are nowhere near having kids but God help me when we do…
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“How was your afternoon with daddy?”
“Great, we watched Star Wars and ate dim sims.”
How can I compete?
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I’m the fun police. Like Pavlov’s dogs, I’ve learned that the sound of kids having fun usually means I’ll be spending the next ten hours in the emergency department.
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My husband and I are both fun and not fun about different things (although we try to toe the party line on the non- fun rules- for example, leaving shoes on the lounge room rug doesn’t worry me in the slightest, but it makes my husbands eye twitch, so i enforce the rule)
I will bend rules on bedtime, allow her to watch a cartoon marathon on a sunday morning, bake things with her and play hours of lego. I also do most of the arranging play dates and park trips.
my husband will take her on spur of the moment adventure trips- flying foxes, water parks, bungee trampolinging or let her do things I would never dream of.
I let her drive the car (on a friends rural property up the straight drive way) recently, so I am the coolest mum ever at the moment. I am also the meanest mum in the whole wide world on at least a weekly basis.
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nice job-
Im the fun parent, crazy parent, the “what rules?” parent.
Some time times I have to be the enforcer of fair rules parent. Add homework parent and “have you done your bit” parent.
Im the embarrassing one, but the one that their friends can talk to
Why? because it keeps me sane in in the highly policed world of who is the better parent competition in my local neighbourhood.
So far, my 19 and 17 yr old still think they got a great deal in the parent shop
Oh, wait-Im the only parent…add that too.
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My hubby is the fun one with our girls but I think he will be a bit harder on our boy ( not much but a little bit) but my eldest who is only 5 likes going to the shop with me better coz Iam more likely to get her something small most of the time hubby is a bit of a penny pincher lol
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I think we both share the roll, while daddy does hide & seek, stories and wrestles our 2 yo each night before bed (with great shrieks of delight). I tend to use the whole ” pick your battles” excuse infront of our visitors to not tell her off for climbing up every piece of furniture, trampling through my gardens and making one heck of a mess with her dinner. Recently had the in laws staying who tried to correct these on many occasion , to which I say “let her go, climbing is good for coordination, trampling my garden, is valuable outdoor time and table manners can wait. We cook together (and yes there is a major mess and I let her eat raw flour). Her dad does have trampolining dad on his resume but only because I also have a 6 week old and last time I got on it I though my insides were going to fall out. Don’t get me wrong she does get taught and disciplined, but not over “petty” things.
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My husbo and I are both! He does lots of fun stuff and actually spends his free time at the park or beach or riding bikes and climbing trees with our kidlets, and cos i have chronic pain i try and do the more crafty fun and cooking and cuddle and watch movies up late when its way past bed time! I would say hubby is a little more the enforcer than me, but when I mean business, my demands are met with only a glare of my eye! We are actually pretty lucky cos our 5 year old plays by the rules! he doesnt like to get in trouble its like ahuge fear it would seem, and it doesnt take more than asking 1 time nicely for things to get done, so its pretty happy days at our house! I am by far the boss, and it kind of works cos my husbo is the most indecisive human on earth, so someone needs to set the standard, but I have to remind him to ‘pick his battles’ and ‘dont always say no’ I try my hardest to say yes often…without making my children spoilt brats, cos w need to be realistic! My FIL just says No to every single thing and it drives me insane, and I dont want my husband to be like that out of habit! We are nicely balanced lots of happy fun times! It could change as our 5 month old gets bigger….i think she has more fire in her belly than our 5 year old…so things could go south quickly…we shall see!
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I think I’m the stereotypical hard non fun parent. My youngest 2 confessed they preferred going to the shops with their father, because he’s more likely to get them what they ask for. Just like their older brother and sister did.
I was considered a “cool” mother because of my relative youth. That was by other children/teenagers, NOT my own.
As someone who was a sole parent, without any input from the children’s father I found it hard to be fun and non fun. I’m glad I no longer have to do that. It’s so nice to be able to say “speak to your father”.
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My how lucky kids are today
I would have loved a fun parent when I was a kid. Both my parents were NOT the fun parent at all. I wish I could be the fun parent a bit more often. As a single parent you end up having to the strict parent far more than you’d like.
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I was definitely the fun parent today – took my nearly 14yo to an secluded spot and GAVE HIM A DRIVING LESSON!!!! When we pulled up and I explained what was going to happen, his jaw hit the car floor. I (stupidly) told him my dad taught me to drive when I was 12 (I did nag since I was about 5) and so my kid also nagged about when I was going to teach him. Easier said than done in this day of age. My dad just pulled over and stuck me in the driver seat – can’t really happen like that now. Anyhoo, said son phoned his dad tonight (he is on a fishing trip) and told him what an awesome (!!!) mum I am. He is expecting this to happen again tomorrow.
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I have a saying about this exact thing:
Dads are fun. Mums are functional.
It’s a generalisation, I know, but I think that’s usually the way, especially when you’re a SAHM.
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My daughters’ dad and step-mum live interstate and my girls are here with us during term time and visit Dad in hols. Believe me, I’m not just not the ‘fun parent’ – I’m the ‘mean parent’ (and not only compared with Dad – compared with every single parent in the universe! That said, they are nearly 14 and nearly 12… so that’s a fairly common observation.)
The song in ‘Motherhood! The Musical’ (SEE IT IF YOU CAN) by the single mum made me bawl!
I’m not a single mum anymore, and have another baby from my second marriage. He currently worships me as the ‘fun parent’ (at nearly two) so I have one extreme to the other!
Having said all of that, my girls and I have lots of fun together. Dancing, shopping, musicals, TV crazes, long walks, etc etc. There’s lots of fun. It’s just placed within lots of ‘homework, essays, setting the table etc…
They love us both equally. No question.
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My hubby is known as “Disney Dad” in our household.
Forty minutes of wrestling when he gets home from work at 7.30pm when all have been fed, bathed and readied for bed – check!
Sausage rolls, pies and flavoured milk for lunch on weekends – check!
Arrives home from work trips with presents for the kids EVERY TIME – check!
God help me if we ever get divorced, because I’m sure they’ll want to live with him!
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Don’t worry, the court system’s got your back.
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I’m the parent most likely to want wine at 3pm!! Tried to be the fun parent today. One ‘Willy Wonka’ chocolate (mud) river made in the blue sand shell!! Give me strength … and a cleaner! Remind me to delete those play activity (mother guilt inducing) blog pages from my phone. Think I might be the no fun parent tomorrow … Phew!
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I think hubby and I are a bit of both. When I am at home, I am disciplinarian, homework nazi and Lego queen.
When he is at home, he is disciplinarian, crazed alien monster who tickles, pro fisher and crabbing man and asks all the right questions about their days.
Hopefully, when they get older it will still be the same,
P.S. I definitely know how lucky I am to have such an awesome husband!
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I am most def NOT the fun parent. I am the nag-a-tron (LOVE LOVE LOVE that name), the stickler for rules, bed-times, homework done (and done neatly not just done any which way) etc etc. My husband (or as I call him “my third child” !) is the fun parent.
But kids are smart. When they are sick they come to me. When they have a problem they come to me. When they are sad or happy or have news to tell they come to me.
You need a balance. I had one of each type of parent and I love them both. As an adult I think I respect the non-fun parent a bit more as she did the hard yards and made the hard calls.
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Oh bugger you Em! I have been loving you sick for months and now I just want to bloody well throw glitter at you!
I’m the Nazi mum. My ex husband, aka ‘The Human Mollusc’ takes them to movies and shopping when they are grounded, buys the teenager the shoes she isn’t allowed to wear at school, and allows her to IQ Puberty Blues to watch at his place because I say no, and feeds the youngest crap rather than say no. Drives. Me. Nuts. He isn’t even malicious – just too bloody lazy to parent.
Fark me. I wish I had a bloody glitter bazooka!
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What else did mummy say you couldn’t have? Said to a three year old…. I wish I was joking….
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The step-creature – first hubby’s wife – did this to my girl regularly…
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I don’t have any children but I definitely think there should be more glitter bazookas in the world!
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I’m the fun one, because I’m not fanatical on tidying up, I don’t yell or get angry and when I discipline I give a logical explanation on why they are getting punished and how to avoid it next time.
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Probably not relevant, seeing I don’t have kids/no where near that stage in my life.
But reminds me of my dog Jak with my ex boyfriend and I. My ex disciplined him, trained him etc. I loved Jak, gave him back and tummy scratches, lots of kisses. He always knew to come to me if he was in that cuddly mood. However he always, always loved my ex more than me. Dogs appreciate having a firm leader. I wonder how similar kids are?
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When my parents got divorced during my teenage years, my sisters and I definitely thought Dad was the fun parent.
When we got to our twenties and thirties, it was always mum who heard about what we were up to first, and I suspect we’re all much closer to her now than dad.
Hopefully she felt those horror years of being family policeman to three hormonal daughters were worth it in the end.
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I read that same article with a sense of complete shock. Cutting up Fruit? Seriously? My poor son (only 3) is lucky if I peel the banana before handing it to him (after all – what would happen if I wasn’t around [which I always am] and he only had access to bananas with skin and he didn’t know that they were food…so rambling…)
I think my husband and I are both the responsible parents on different things – I am eating healthy food and limited TV watching with lots of books, he is outside play and not doing dangerous stuff (the enforcer of stack hats etc) and buying useful clothes, it seems to work. (Oh and we’ve already decided that I am school sports and he is homework police when the time comes)
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Great article, I don’t have kids yet but I have a feeling it will be my husband who will be the fun parent lol. BTW you have the most incredible coloured eyes Em, like honey!
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I love you Em!!
I think I am a bit of both, I am a SAHM with my children 24/7, I have to be the responsible parent and make most of the rules, but I do still have fun with my kids, we have lots of beach trips and playground trips and lunches! I wish I could say yes to all my kids requests and I will try my best to do so!!
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I’m the parent most likely to want wine at 5pm.
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5pm? It’s 3.30pm in this house, straight after school pick up!
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I’m with you, sister!
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me too – and occassionally – the mum who wants a wine (bottle with a straw will do thanks!) at 12pm after a nightmare grocery trip including – but not limited to- screaming, throwing things out of the trolley, trying to throw oneself out of the trolley,screaming,trying to hit me as i pushed the trolley,screaming (ok so it happened today *eye twitch*. resisted the wine though.!) .
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I have soooooo been there!
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Em I agree there is always a fun parent – which I sadly am not.
Husband has that job. He is the one who comes home when I’ve fed, bathed, pj’d the kids and got them into the nice prebedtime calm space – that reads going on a bear hunt and ends up traipsing around the house, leading the hunt with a couple of hysterical deliriously happy crazy hyped monkeys following his lead……
Happens about 4 nights a week.
I tell myself at least they’re loved and happy. But yes I too am bad dream parent, and all other night time ailment parent and it would be sooooo nice too not always wear the hat of responsibility especially given that in a few years when they’re teens they’re gonna hate me just cos I’m mum and dad will get to continue being super dad
Woe is me sniff
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I know this wasn’t the point of the story but I just have to say that Odette is a truly gorgeous name. Very Swan Lake, you don’t hear it often enough!
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I don’t have a lot to say (I’m not a parent, went to boarding school etc) except I would like you to be MY PARENT EM! Please?
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