New city. Lonely guy. Trying to make friends.
By MAX QUINN
A little while ago I threw a cat at a girl at a party. Repeatedly. It sounds much worse than it is. In my defence, she totally had it coming and in her defence it was a Harry Potter party and I bought the TOY cat for five dollars at a supermarket.
I’ve just moved to Sydney and sometimes making friends can be difficult, but I’m really trying my best.
I grew up in a coastal town called Ballina in New South Wales. You’ve probably heard of our slutty cousin, Byron Bay. Ballina is where I was born and raised: it’s where I got my education, learned my values and practised kissing (I have my family to thank for all three).
And for those purposes it’s practically perfect.
Then why move?
Well, nosy reader, there were two reasons: firstly, ever since I was little I’ve harboured this lofty dream to make radio for Triple J and ask rhetorical questions on popular websites like this one. I couldn’t do that from home – wouldn’t you agree? (Tick!)
But there’s also another reason: some of my friends from home have started to pair off and get married.
Allow me to explain: I’m 21 years old. If my maths is correct, since I left high school, my graduating class of ninety has seen four weddings, three pregnancies, two engagements and a civil union that probably would have gone ahead if not for Campbell Newman’s unique take on what constitutes equality.
Max Quinn. Inverse sea change advocate, occasional cat thrower.
If you’re not good at counting, that means that eleventy percent of my class now own a symbolic ball and/or chain.
Did I mention I’m 21.
It seems to me that if you’re from a small town, you more or less have two choices when you’ve finished your education: you can settle down, have kids, and get married; or you can ride like the wind, Bullseye.
It’s a means of escape I’m calling the Inverse Sea Change (patent pending). The science of it involves realising that by the very nature of it being where you came from, your hometown is somewhat of a glass ceiling to where you’re going.
Certainly, there’s a lot to be said for home. I’m the proud, sexually frustrated, puberty-bearded man I am today because of it. To a large extent I’m really envious of my friends who have built a comfortable nest there.
To another extent it feels like I’m on a really shitty treasure hunt. Imagine you’ve been given a map and a compass, but no clues. As a rule of thumb, I would agree that it might make sense to START digging in your own backyard, what kind of dumb pirate buries treasure where he knows you’ll find it?
So I left home. I cried all the way here.
Now I live by myself in a renovated shoebox in Maroubra that I can move around in as long as I keep my body at a pretty strict 90-degree angle. I’m fucking great at Tetris.
At times it’s been an intensely lonely experience.
“You have to learn to be your own best friend.”
You have to learn to be your own best friend because sometimes there’s just nobody else. That’s not hyperbole. The simple, unfortunate truth is that you can’t foster the kind of closeness you built over twenty years in the space of a few months in a brand new place. You can’t even fake it.
It’s sad. But it’s also ultimately why I’m here.
I’m making opportunities for myself now that I couldn’t if I was living at home with a wife and a bub on the way. I’ve been able to pour myself into my craft, if only because I’ve had an abundance of time to do so.
But this isn’t Big Sur, nor am I Kerouac. I’m not on a quest for catharsis. At the end of the day, I just I want to have fun with my friends on the radio and take your hard-earned taxpayer dollars for doing so.
And I’ll get there. The dominoes are falling. Slowly. I’m learning to be more patient. I may still throw the occasional cat at parties, but now I do so in an attempt to prove that the Inverse Sea Change can and will work out.
If you’re wondering, the girl eventually gave me her number. We went on one date.
Max Quinn is a writer, radio person, and semi-professional duck enthusiast from Sydney. He tweets enthusiastically about ducks and also not ducks at @maxquinn.
Have you moved away from home to pursue your dreams? Do you believe where you come from can potentially stop you getting where you want?
Comments
41 Comments so far
Ah, it’s nice to hear this from another person (that makes me sound terrible doesn’t it?) I was in the exact same position as yourself when I finished high school. I didn’t want to be trapped in a small town with limitations, so I moved to Melbourne where I knew approximately 3 people. And at times it was the loneliest year of my life. There were tears. Nights spent at home all weekend. Copious TV marathons went on (hello the entire series of Buffy).
But I got through it, and now I’ve been here for three years and I not only have a great set of friends, but I continually have opportunities to make more. While I’m not saying getting married and having a kid at 21 is a bad thing, it’s definitely not the thing for me.
But on top of that, as hard as it may be for you, it will get better, and you’ll be a more interesting, stronger person for it. And once you know you can do it once, why not again? I’d love to live in London or New York, and while I know most of my friends wouldn’t even consider it, it’s nice to know I’ve done it before, I can do it again.
Good luck!
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Max, hang in there, I know it is not easy moving somewhere new and making new friends. As you say you have had these friends for some twenty years, so don’t expect to make friends overnight, it aint gonna happen!
If you keep going to parties and going out with work mates and maybe as someone else mentioned move in with people that will help. It’s not a very nice feeling being lonely, it’s good that you are on such good terms with yourself. I hope you settle in to Sydney and there are lots of good people just waiting to be your friend in the not too distant future.
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I appreciate that some people in their early twenties want to leave home, explore the world and have different experiences. But I am hearing a lot of judgement of younger people who choose to marry, settle down and have children instead of travel. Why judge others who choose to live their lives differently to you? Maybe having a young family was a higher priority than travel to them. What is important is that you make your OWN choices for your own reasons without being influenced by everyone else.
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Agreed. I don’t like how people are generally pigeon-holed into one of two categories – the ‘settle down and have kids early’ type or ‘the traveller who likes to experience life in a new place’ type. It’s not impossible to travel and get married. Having a family was always a priority to me and that’s why I said yes when my sweetheart proposed to me at 23. But I also empathise with the loneliness that Max writes about, having moved by myself to Sydney at 22. Hang in there, Max. It does get better. And whether or not you want to get married or travel, do what you want to do.
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It’ll get easier Max! I can completely relate. I’m 24 from a small country town. My group of friends who all went onto higher education are now the odd ones out as everyone is a) married b) having children c) engaged for d) divorced (yes.. Divorced!!!). I can’t even go back there without being embarrassed but really there’s no other options for them (of course they’re happy but their idea of a once in a lifetime trip is to Bali). My mother would die if I moved back! I’m so grateful to be raised by great parents who really wanted more for me and wouldn’t trade my Sydney life for the world.
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Gill, I am sure your friends wouldn’t want you to waist your energy on being embarrassed for them. I raised my children with a broad outlook on life and they both took off and travelled extensively and now have jobs in cities and visit home whenever able. Thankfully they (unlike you) do not look down on their old school friends who did not choose the lives they did and stayed on in our small seaside community for whatever reasons. When they all get together they enjoy the time of catching up on each others lives and what they have been up to, even if the ones who remained ‘home’ only look at Bali as their trip of a life time. If and when my children move back I know it will be because the time is right for them and they have done and seen what they need to and they feel it is the right time.
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I’ve moved overseas twice, and the place I made the most friends both times was through finding a fun job with people my own age, and then taking up every opportunity to hang out with them, even if the invite sounds boring.
Also, move into a share house – some of my closest friends are former housemates who I didn’t know before I moved in.
You’re obviously funny and smart, so I’m sure you’ll find some mates in no time. Give us an update!
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As my name suggests, I’ve moved around a lot. Since 2006 I have lived in 4 cities, including overseas, and a long stint backpacking on my own. I think the advice people have given so far is great, you have to be open to all opportunities and enjoy your own company. Living in share houses is the best thing you can do when you have limited support networks. I’ve made some of my best friends this way.
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I moved halfway around the world following my heart. I’ve been here ten years and am yet to build strong lasting friendships. There have been a few trial and error relationships and most definitely a few ‘who got away’ (I seem to be a magnet for friends with ants in their pants), but I keep trying…
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I can relate to this so well Max! I’m 20 and from a small country town in WA. So far most of the people I went to school with have shacked up, gotten married and are expecting kids. At 20! I still struggle to pull myself together, I can’t imagine having to look after a household, husband and child.
Sometimes I feel like the only person in this town putting myself through university and wanting something so much more then small town living, with limited opportunities. At this current time I’m contemplating whether or not I make the move to the city, it’s a hard decision but I’m sure one that’s worth it. Thanks for the great article !
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Do it CB! Speaking from experience, you’ll never regret it, nor look back
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may i suggest you check out the website http://www.meetup.com
and type in sydney and see what comes up. People run social groups via this website. There will be 100s of groups on there, book clubs, cycling, bushwalking, tennis, singles,etc. You are sure to find something of interest. People join them to meet new people and are friendly.
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Best advice I was given after moving from Melbourne to Perth 3 months ago, was to accept every invitation offered. If someone asks to you join them, don’t hesitate, say yes even if it’s not your cup of tea. You could meet someone who could be a great contact, or new friend, or at the very least you’ll have a mediocre time. It seems to be working here for me. Good luck, the world is your oyster at 21!
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I moved to Sydney from Canberra to broaden my horizons/escape boredom etc. I have also struggled with making friends and loneliness. It is not as bad as it was though. However it is difficult to find people you truly connect with.
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Canberra is a notoriously difficult place to make good friends. people are friendly but it doesn’t go far past that point. it’s blamed on the fact that people have mostly formed friendships in high school and stuck with it, or are transients from other towns/cities who spend their weekends going home.
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I’m Canberra born and experienced this after all my friends moved away! I found new friends two ways. First I started dancing and found wonderful people through my dance classes. Second I went out with people at every given opportunity. Even if it was only after work drinks, or a bookclub or something. You do meet people that way.
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Move into a group house! Best way to broaden your social options.
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Grrr, this post and a lot of the comments frustrate me. I wish people would stop acting like it is something unique to the country/regional Australia that there are young people getting married/having children. It’s not – the same thing probably would have happened to you if you grew up in Sydney.
People change after high school, they move on to different lives. For some, that will be marriage and children (early), for some it will be overseas for the experience, some on to study or apprentiships or careers.
You can study, or work, or have a life that is fulfilling in ways other than starting a family in any place, not just Sydney.
I grew up in a regional area, and left after school to go to uni (couldn’t do my course here). But that is why I left – study, not becuase if I stayed I would have to get pregnant. I was back after graduating – just before I turned 21 – and guess what, still not married or pregnant (now 31). Found friends, and lots of them – some are married, some have kids, some are single like me.
And just for the record, my year 12 class was a bit unusual – I don’t think anyone had a baby until I was about 24, so this doesn’t always happen in country towns. But I had still lost touch with most of my friends from school for hundreds of other reasons – basically, our lives just took different directions.
Not that I’m not happy for you, I think moving towns is something every young person should do, it is the best experience you will have. But please stop acting as though you have 2 choices – stay in a country/regional area and have kids, or go to the big city and have a life. You can move on in the same town, I know tons of people who have done it.
On the lonely front, my advice (and I even had to do this moving back to my home town) is to:
(a) join something – a sport team, volunteer organisation, art class, anything – even if you don’t meet friends, at least you aren’t sitting at home watching tv. Even live in share house rather than on your own.
(b) say yes as often as possible – if you are invited to something, even if you aren’t that intersted, say yes anyway. You never know who you’ll meet, and if you say no too many times people will stop asking
I think it takes about a year to really settle in, but once you’re there it’s worth it.
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You can’t generalise about anything anyone does… I live in a small city (smaller than Ballina, but still, apparently a city) in WA. I’m 26, still no kids (had the husband since I was 19, but that was more because I met the right guy and didn’t want to let him get away
I have friends who married young and had kids young. I have friends who married late. I have friends my age and older who are single. I have friends who went to uni (some who went to Perth and returned, some who studied by distance, or at the local universities centre), and some who went to TAFE and some who just worked.
Honestly, I think you get the same sort of diversity in a smaller city or town that you do in the “BIG SMOKE”, because diversity is driven by individuals, not groups, and 30,000 people is still 30,000 individuals.
I have lived here, in this little city, my whole life. I don’t think I’ve missed out on anything by never moving towns. I’ve lived in 5 streets within 2.5km of each other… my husband has lived in 5 countries. We each have unique experiences, but I wouldn’t say his are necessarily *better* than mine.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being “rooted” and staying where you are. It doesn’t make you a “bogan” to have kids or get married young (I am a bogan, but that has nothing to do with my marital status or the usage history of my womb
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Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking!
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You sound exactly like me…. well exactly like me, if I were a male and significantly younger.. (and by significantly younger I mean 4 years.. and yes it checks out…) I too have recently made ye old “Sydney Sea Change” Not quite sure what I expected to happen.. Perhaps a Bouquet of flowers upon my arrival or a giant banner reading “Welcome Lauren Sydney has long awaited your arrival.. Please have this amazingly spacious apartment that is also totally affordable” but alas I did not get such a sign or welcome.. I too do completely random things like stop people in the street stand in front of them and say…”Is it you??” expecting maybe an invitation to perhaps become their new best friend or at the very least a smile, or even a “F*ck off” would suffice.. This town is a tough cookie to crack… you will get there… If I can give you any advice, it is.. Try not to get too involved in yourself.. As after living as a hermit in my tiny completely overpriced north Sydney abode.. My once amazingly charming, borderline sociopathic social skills have now weltered and died.. and I can barely string a sentence together to a stranger without becoming the nice red shade of a tomato.. Hang in there..
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Loved reading your comment, just because your writing style is so charming! (So it’s lucky your “skills” have wilted, otherwise I’d probably have gotten pregnant from the potency of awesome in your comment) You should write an MM piece!
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Great post, Max. Can relate, as I moved to Aus in 2009, and left behind the world’s second-biggest continent to do so.
Still figuring out whether it was ultimately worthwhile (emigration is a tad different), but, on my good days, YES, I feel it’s been worth it. Melbourne makes me appreciate my life here every day.
Good for you re: ‘escaping’ the proverbial ball and chain (for now), and following your dreams. IMO 21 is definitely more suited to chasing dreams than settling for domesticity.
Google ‘Meetup Sydney’ and maybe meet up with people/groups who share your interests. There may even be a group for toy cat-throwers
– who knows.
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Half of my class had babies before they were 21. I am in my late thirties & having my first child, some of them are having their first grandchildren. The Inverse Sea Change was the best thing I ever did, & being your own best friend eventually makes you a more interesting person.
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I’m currently living in Adelaide, which i do love. But would really like to get a job overseas, or at least interstate this year. The majority of my friends have already moved away from Adelaide, so i don’t have a lot of people left to hang around with!
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You’re right about the options one faces when living in a small town. I was surrounded by past classmates having children and getting engaged etc. At 22 that really wasn’t an option I was ready to choose. I moved to Melbourne a year ago, and i’m surrounded by other people from my small town of NE Vic who also fled the breeding grounds we call home. I am yet to make friends that aren’t from home or in my small class at uni. I believe that when I get a job then perhaps, an opportunity will arrise where I will be able to made new friends.
Embrase the change. although it is challenging at times.
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Great advice Jo. I moved from adelaide to Sydney about 20 years ago and made some of my best friends from my stint in retail. Have fun.
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As a 21 year old girl from Coffs Harbour who also made the move to Sydney I completely get where you’re com
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Coffs Coast represent: I’m from Bellingen. Since 2006 I’ve lived in three cities, and I have to say it’s a lot easier after the first year wherever you go.
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Great post.
I did a stint in Melbourne for a year, and loved it, but gosh I was lonely. Connecting with other people in a similar situation was the best thing to do, I found. Particularly for all those occasions where people naturally flock to be with their family/close friends, i.e. Sundays/public holidays/festive season.
I got a gym membership and went there a fair bit. But I often found I was looking forward to work rolling around on Monday morning just so I could get some social interaction haha.
Happy cat-throwing
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I am also from a small town. We call it Perth. Your argument still rings true here. Ex classmates are either shacked up, married with kids,living the FIFO ‘dream’ (mainly so we can afford to live here) or in the east. Or overseas……and by overseas, I mean Bali.
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You need to broaden your social horizon. Perth is only small if you stay in the same social group you went to school with. With a population of 1,740,000 surely you could find people with personalities and interests that interest you. Try a different sport or social activity and you might just meet some amazing new friends, the social opportunities are out there, you just need to be willing to place yourself into different situations to what you are comfortable with.
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It’s wise not to go too broad in Perth. 1.6 of the 1.7 million are bogans
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Perhaps in your case “Anon” it is a matter of like attracting like. I am sure it is easy to cast shallow judgements on large groups of people, but by broadening your social circle you might just become friends with fascinating people from all walks of life. You might just develop into a more interesting, intelligent and open minded person. Or you could just remain in your narrow social circle with other narrow minded people.
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Max, I loved your post. And as someone who’s been the lonely kid in a big city, the only thing I can tell you is that it will get easier
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If you are young and not studying, one of the fastest, easiest ways I’ve found in my long lost youth was to get a job in a large retail store (small ones not so much) or join a catering agency. Terrible career advice if those are not your chosen fields but 6 months in close quarters with a large bunch of people and generally a lot of downtime you will always be able to find someone(s) you’ll connect with.
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That is great advice. Even though I moved to Sydney to study, I actually found working in a cafe was the best way to make friends. Yep, the work was pretty horrible at times, and did nothing to enhance career prospects, but the friendships definitely outweighed the late nights, rude customers and coming home smelling like floor cleaner mixed with icing sugar.
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Totally agree with you guys! Max, get a job at a cool, well known cafe or bar, at a huge store or a catering company. You’ll meet heaps of fun people your own age to hang out with.
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I didn’t realise it until today reading back over the comments, but I moved when I was 21 & I worked in hospitality for three & a half years. I made some great friends that saw me through for quite a while. Different stages of life, for different friends, but hospitality really helped me meet people. There was always someone up for a drink are work or a game of pool & people to o dancing with on the weekend. You get slightly older uni students in hospitality too so you can meet a wide range of people than solely your own demographic.
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You’re a hilarious writer Max!
I’ve lived alone in a big city before and that feeling of loneliness is plain awful. The more you settle in, the better it gets.Just keep yourself busy. Hang in there!
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ill hang out with you max!!!
im about to make the move to sydney tooo!
scary scary stuff!
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