You may want to pour yourself a drink before you read any further. And make sure you’re sitting down.
To say things have gotten a little steamy at Mamamia HQ lately is an understatement.
Lord, is it an understatement.
Ever since we launched our Erotic Fiction Competition, we’ve been inundated with entries from our readers keen to have a go at writing us something to rival Fifty Shades of Grey.
As promised we’re going to post a selection of our favourite entries over the coming weeks. And remember – it’s not too late to enter. You have until 31 August to send us your entry which could win you the chance to have your erotic novel published by Mamamia …
And now it’s over to our first author Jo and her entry, ‘The Dark’.
For the millionth time I wonder why I’ve bothered to come to this ‘destination wedding’ at all. Grant clearly doesn’t want me here and at this very moment my beloved boyfriend’s hand is sliding down the back of a very pretty blonde. The dim bar lighting is making it hard for me to see exactly where his hand is heading and people are starting to dance to the pounding music, obscuring my view. I squint, trying to monitor the trajectory. It’s too dark!
“I’m going,” I tell my friends. I walk directly across the dance floor, shoving past him.
He walks over to me. “Babe,” he drapes his arm over my shoulder and starts nuzzling my ear. He smells like beer and bong. I push him off me and regard him with disdain. He’s a mess. His hair is sweaty and grimy, his face is pink and his eyes are their usual blood-shot mess.
“I’m leaving,” I announce dramatically. He holds his hand up to his ear and I scream much louder than is necessary. “I am leaving!”
He holds his hands out in front of him in a gesture of contrition but I am over it. I turn around and leave, part of me hoping he will follow me but the rest of me know he will not.
I make my way out of the bar, stumbling a little as I figure out the way back to our villa. Gosh, that vodka and orange has hit me hard. I’m not much of a drinker. So how did I end up with someone like Grant?
Arriving at our villa I navigate the stairs, clinging to the rail. My head is swimming. The sad thing is I’m not surprised. He treats me like crap and then turns on the charm and I fall for it every time.
I find our room and strip off all my clothes except for my black camisole and my underwear. I climb onto the top bunk of the double bunk bed we have been left with (clearly this is a family villa and we are in the kids room) and I slide under the sheets, but not before pounding my pillow in frustration. There’s no way I am going to be able to sleep tonight.
I stare into the darkness. This was meant to be a romantic weekend. Seeing our friends getting married was meant to bring us closer together. They’re the first in group to tie the knot. Why do I keep thinking he’ll get his shit together? Why do I keep waiting for him to change?
I have just started drifting off to sleep when I hear the door open quietly. My first thought that it is Grant, coming to apologise. Well, I don’t want to talk to him.
I lie still, feigning sleep, even though he can’t see me in the pitch black room. He’ll be drunk anyway. I’m surprised he was able to find our room.
I hear the door close quietly and am immediately struck with the thought that this isn’t Grant. Grant rarely cares about being quiet. He opens doors obnoxiously and loudly, just as he closes them.
The figure moves quietly towards the bed and an unmistakeable male, musky smell drifts towards me.
I hear the unmistakable sound of jeans being unbuttoned. Just as I’m about to announce myself I feel a hand land hard on my breast.
“What the fuck?” The stranger gropes at my breast, trying to figure out what he is touching.
I laugh quietly and reached out and touched his arm. “It’s okay.”
I keep my hand on his tensed forearm. He stands completely still for a moment and then slowly, he begins to feel my breast, except his touch is different now. I know I should stop him.
He slips a finger under my camisole and pulls it down, freeing my breasts. My nipple puckers immediately and I know I won’t stop him now.
He withdraws his hand and I almost cry out. I hear him remove his jeans and climb up onto the bed. I don’t say a word. I don’t want to break the spell.
I tuck my legs up and press them against the wall to make room for him. He places his hand on my knee and runs it up to my thigh. He finds my panties and pulls them aside.
He presses his lips into me softly at first and then I feel the very tip of his tongue gently nudge the soft folds of skin apart. I gasp. No one has ever done this to me before.
I’m having trouble keeping still now. I run my fingers through soft thick hair and press him into me.
The darkness heightens the sensation. I can’t see. I can only feel.







Comments
71 Comments so far
um that was way too much detail ut wat was this about anyway? i read the whole thing but i dont get it all i get is that its porn to me and she technocly cheats on a guy is this some book???
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I liked this. But i also liked 50shades(read all 3 in 5 days). I get that its a stranger in the room, but she does point out that the stranger doesn’t really know who she is either. I want to know who this mysterious man is! also i don’t know why every one hates the word panties. i liked this better than the 2nd entry. cant wait for the other entries and well done jo for putting yourself out there when people can be a little too brutal with their honesty. feed back is always good but i dont think people need to be so cutting about it.
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Question: Getting way, way ahead of myself but if the winner is offered the chance to publish, what time frame would be on offer to turn in the manuscript?
Thanks. x
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Poor. About as sexy as listening to the PM speaking.
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Rape is supposed to be erotic?
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i dont think this is rape, because she wants him, and he wants her
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Did she seem to be saying ‘no’? She said ‘It’s okay’, not ‘stop’, or ‘Hey, get the hell out if my villa!’
It might be sex with a random, unseen stranger, but it’s still consensual.
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This is not specifically about Jo’s piece, but for anyone contributing to this comp – I’d love to support you and buy your books, if you can write something truly erotic without using any of the following:
- An insanely rich male protagonist who uses his wealth to control and seduce successfully (EL James and Stephanie Meyer, what are we, all gold-diggers?)
- A naive innocent female character who loses all sense of herself (and who orgasms on command)
- Scenarios such as the one above, which can normalise and justify situations that could otherwise be considered a sex crime. Good porn shouldn’t give men unrealistic expectations of what women want
- The term ‘her sex’. C’mon, just say pussy already!
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Check out Felicity Chaste, I recently read her book Every Day about a husband who vows to satisfy and make his wife feel special everyday – very sexy. And a great husband/wife dynamic with none of the negatives you have listed above.
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I’m trying to find that book, Every Day, but I googled it and nothing comes up!
I even tried searching by the author…
Perhaps I am doing something wrong.
Where did you get it?
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Hi Jemma
I found it in the search section of the iBooks app for iphone, I think I searched by author name.
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I apologize, the authors name is Felicia Chaste, not Felicity. Whoops, sorry! That’ll make it easier for you to find!
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Awesome! Found it! Thank you !!
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Enjoy
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I didn’t find this exciting or erotic, or particularly believable. There needs to be more of a build up I think, and better proof-reading. But, good on you for putting yourself out there.
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Build-up? In a maximum of 1000 words?
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I absolutely hate blowing my own trumpet, but TOOOOOOOOOT!
http://haughtfeelings.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/more-erotic-fiction/
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I respect your opinion – by God, I do – but it is wrong and laughably so. And God would say the same.
I concede I may not be the best writer in the world, but I’m in the top four hundred, without doubt.
Here are some of the reasons why my erotic fiction is A-grade:
- It doesn’t include a single cliche
- I inhabit female characters better than most male writers
- My sex scenes are unusually good
- It’s subtle
- It’s genuinely arousing: I got increased blood flow in my “zone” the first three times I proofread it
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Sorry I thought you said you hate blowing your own trumpet?? I don’t agree with anon that it’s pathetic but I just read your work and was not aroused by it at all.
‘They had intercourse three more times that day, for a total of seven’ ? Not very sexy language.
‘She had hair like a flowing waterfall of molten bronze and eyes like two shimmering orbs of cobalt, except with some white (the white) and black (the pupil)’
?? Lol
‘Her eyes not only looked like cobalt, they also had a cobalt-like radioactivity, and although they could not cause cancer in a man, they could certainly make him very ill indeed. Ill with love.’
This reads as soo cliched and urgh to me and not at all sexy.
“Words entered her head that hadn’t been there since she had been a teenager, words like “beefcake”, “love-sponge” and “diddle”. She found them both sickeningly juvenile and profoundly appropriate.”
“Goosebumps dimpled her skin so intensely that she felt like a human golf ball.” She felt like a golf ball?? Seriously?
You say your writing is SUBTLE ??!!
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Just as a suggestion, perhaps you should read some more of Haughts blog. I, for one, think his erotic fiction is fantastic and comparable to the page I read of 50 shades. Nice work Haugt!!!
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I love Haught’s writing. It is amusingly subtle.
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Elle, your criticism was cruel to the point of making me cry (twice), but I think parts of it were fair.
I concede the golf ball reference was ill-advised. I wanted to say that Felicity felt very small and willing to be hit with a club, and “golf ball” sprang into my mind like a cat into a paper bag with a feather in it. I don’t think I nailed it.
I’m interested to hear that you didn’t derive any arousual pleasure out of the excerpt. Others, both men and women, have told me they have turned into veritable geisers just a few paragraphs in.
I wasn’t sure whether you were using “love sponge” and “diddle” as examples of good writing or bad.
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Don’t cry! Mine is just one opinion & I could’ve been kinder in my approach. Anyway the important thing is that you’re out there writing & presumably enjoying it. I was annoyed by your reply to anon in which you came across as a bit arrogant. Hence the tone of my response. I might attempt some erotic fiction myself & will anticipate harsch judgement!
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no way in hell i’d let a “stranger in the dark” walk into my room let alone touchme without me screaming (as in fear) … i thought she was describing a rape… ugh… not for me, thanks
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I think there’s a bit of a problem with encouraging this kind of writing. Women complain their writing isn’t taken seriously, well …. This.
Nothing personal about this piece which is pretty awful (and I suspect it may have been put together with a tongue very firmly in a cheek) but so is Shades of Grey. It’s just the genre – let’s face it, it’s a lowest common denominator style that appeals to people who don’t ask much from their literature.
Yes, pretty much anyone can write this stuff which is simply formula and cliche strung together.
But if women want their literary talents to be taken seriously they need to try and lift their game. Or at least not complain when they are written off as light weights.
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Panties?
Ruined it for me.
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forget NSFW….can future publications have a “panties” warning before i start reading?
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what would readers consider an acceptable word to use in place of panties in this context? Knickers? Bloomers? Underwear? Jocks? Briefs? G-string? I’m just asking as I notice a lot of commenters dislike the word panties. I personally don’t have an issue with it but I’m interested in what others would prefer to read instead of panties.
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I agree, what other word are we supposed to use? ‘Undies’ just doesn’t cut it.
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Any of those would have been fine by me.
Panties is the worst word in the English language.
Who actually uses it in real life?
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My boyfriend says panties, and I’d rather hear him say that than ‘take your knickers off’
Each to their own
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Knickers is best. Undies even. Panties doesn’t work for me either. I’m not sure quite why…maybe it’s got a
paedophile ring to it.
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Massive round of applause for you, Jo. As a writer one of the hardest things to overcome is putting yourself out there. I can’t even imagine how brave you have to be to put your erotic fiction in the public arena!
Is erotic fiction for me? Not really. But screw the haters and their ‘stranger danger’ issues. This was a sexy little read.
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perhaps everyone rubbishing jo’s piece could publish one of their own, so we can all offer our two cents as well. well done jo for putting yourself out there.
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If this is erotic fiction then it’s not for me. If a stranger came into my room I would totally freak out and hopefully have the courage to scream rape.
Each to their own.
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She mentions an unmistakable smell, she knows who it is
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No it’s ‘unmistakable male smell’. She just knows its a man, not who he is, she calls him a stranger.
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Next episode NOW.
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I really liked it. Therefore it must be porn.
My wife really liked it. Therefore it must be erotica !
Tom-ay-toe, tomato.
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Not filthy enough. Dirty it up!
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Not bad at all but like the other comments below the premise and scene doesn’t excite me – its all a bit too bogan for want of a better expression.
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Great writing style and it had me intrigued, but I found the whole ‘being groped by a stranger’ thing really creepy and off-putting. If a stranger came into my room (the words ‘home invasion’ spring to mind) and started feeling me up, I’d be yelling/screaming “RAPE!” Would have been MUCH more seductive it we the readers knew she was being followed home or approached by a tall, dark, gorgeous wedding guest before leaving the party!
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What she said!
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Agreed! All I could think was “stranger! Rape! STDs!”
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The problem for me is that the excitement of this scene kind of depends on her having no idea who he is… but that’s exactly what freaks me out about it. “Sexy stranger” is good, but since she knows absolutely nothing about him other than a feel of his arm. He could be all kinds of hideous. Worse, she’s in a kids room. On a bunk. He’s probably some wedding guest’s teenage kid!
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Agree. All I could think was how scared I’d be in that situation. I guess it’s all a matter of taste but this scenario didn’t work for me at all.
I’m sure if this piece continues the mystery stranger is going to turn out to be gorgeous but what if the next day at the buffet a familiar musty scented voice behind and you murmurs in your ear ‘last night was amazing..’ and you turn around to find this?
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i thought it was great and i am guessing that she has a good idea who the person is, but as this is an *excerpt* that detail is lost.
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You lost me at panties.
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Yeah why do we use that word. Everyone I know wears knickers. Even underwear or best of all silk cami knickers would at least create a better image. Down with panties – so to speak
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I had this very discussion yesterday with two guys I work with. Panties to them is a sexual thing. Undies, not so much.
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And then what happenned….he gasped!!! LOL
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He realised he was meant to be in the villa next door.
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Gross!!!!! It was probably the married father of the bride stumbling home.
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Can I just say that writing a fictional story is bloody hard, and then putting it up for public viewing/dissection takes a LOT OF GUTS. So please, before you go and drop a witty little observation and bag it out, think about the author who wrote this and how crushing it is hearing non-constructive criticism.
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Well as it appears that my original comment wasn’t deemed suitable enough to allow publishing, I’ll keep my tongue in check this time.
Are you serious here? If people don’t like it, they don’t like it. That in itself is constructive criticism for anyone attempting to entertain the general public. If you’re not entertaining them, you will realise sooner or later no matter how much cotton wool you want to surround yourself in.
Also don’t forget the fact that the first five commenters appeared to enjoy the piece. Personally, I just can’t fathom that a woman cheating on her boyfriend with a complete stranger who she can’t even see is a female fantasy? Each to their own…
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I can’t fathom how a story about a naive virgin being abused and dominated by a narcissistic billionaire can become an international best-seller, but horses for courses.
I’m all for offering constructive criticism, but I think we need to be reminded that this is a fiction competition prompted by the success of the likes of Fifty Shades of Grey, so maybe we can cut the author some slack for writing within that particular context.
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Sorry, but if you want to be a writer, it’s par for the course. Even some of the best books have negative reviews on Amazon.com. Writers must learn to grow a thick skin.
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Panties. She said panties.
It’s a no from me.
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Ew. It could be anyone. It could be her dad!
Well-written, though.
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Re: well written. It’s not awful, but there are issues with tense, clunky sentences that could be written with less words and it uses cliches. Nothing a good edit couldn’t fix.
If this was submitted by one of my creative writing students I’d probably give it a credit.
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Wow, you must be an AMAZING writer then.
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I mark creative writing for a living, ergo, I have a fair idea of what makes for bad, average, good and exceptional writing. This falls some where between average and good.
Amazing? I don’t know about that, but I do okay, thanks.
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Genuine question, anonymous critic, how do you mark creative writing? Is it based on your own tastes or is there a criteria the writing has to meet?
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Of course there is a criteria.
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Sorry but for some reason this reminds of those footballers who are wrongly or rightly accused of sexual assault when they go in ‘after ‘ or ‘ instead of ‘ the supposed date.
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I’m with you. Creepy!
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Agree!
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Oh – dont stop now! – more please!!!!!!
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Well…I don’t know about the ladies, but that worked for me.
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Ready for chapter two now please!
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Ooh thankyou for that naughty little break in my uni studying. What a tease though!!
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