by KATE HUNTER
Let me say, right at the outset: This post is full of big, fat generalisations. So please, gents who do, in fact, trouble over whether a turkey buffe or an entire bird makes more sense, forgive me.
British retailer ASDA this year eschewed the tradition of presenting Christmas in it’s usual joyous light, and released an ad that reflected what many women feel – Christmas is hard, invisible work.
The ad has elicited had mixed reactions – scores of women have cried, ‘YES! That’s MEEEEEEEE!’ While some men have called, ‘SEXIST! How dare you say that when I’m the one who assembled the new bikes and filled the gas bottles.’
Have a look, see what you think.
I’m in the ‘That’s Me’ camp.
I believe it’s mostly women who create Christmas magic. Remember Sleepless in Seattle? Even though he’s a bit of a drip, we all fell a little in love with Tom Hanks when he talked about his late wife and how, ‘she made Christmas beautiful.’ What Tom didn’t mention (because it would have ruined the movie) was how she had been a screaming banshee right up until 3pm on Christmas Eve, when miraculously, it was all done and Christmas could begin in all its tinsely magic.
We’ll wager that he didn’t cook that turkey or shell those prawns.
That women shoulder the burden of Christmas isn’t often talked about – mainly because we don’t want to cause a fight and spoil all that peace and goodwill. I’ve never heard men discuss whose bringing the salad and who’s making the pav. They enjoy having houseguests but don’t worry that the fitted sheets are a bit yellowed and your brother’s new wife is sure to comment.
Men do not take part in the tense, UN style negotiation regarding whose place to spend Christmas morning with and where to go for the afternoon – although they are happy to impose conditions on proposed plans, “I am not going to you sister’s on Boxing Day if she is going to make us play charades when the cricket is on. You can tell her.”
I suspect one of the reasons Hillary Clinton has made such a brilliant Secretary Of State is her experience in juggling the political nightmare that is Christmas (Americans also have its troublesome twin, Thanksgiving to contend with so they are experts).
Christmas responsibility is not just for stay at home mothers, no. Even women with the most high-powered jobs need to pull it together for the 25th. It’s all too easy to imagine Hillary sighing, ‘Sorry Barack, I’ll have to call you back. Bill’s Aunt Valerie wants to know if he needs a new golf shirt and does he need an L or XL. ’
Christmas – more drama than in a nativity play?
I’m not suggesting men do nothing to contribute at Christmas. But they are the season’s foot soldiers, while women are the generals. Men are prepared to ice the eskies and lug the tree up from the shed (or home from the nursery).
They don’t mind a trip to the fish market – although some need clear instructions, ‘Get the prawns from the third shop on the right, but only if the tigers are big, but not too big. If they’re too big there won’t be enough to go around because your father is a glutton even with his heart thingy. If they’re too big, go to Del Monico’s – further down on the right. More expensive but have a big range. But on no account go to the one near the entrance – there’s a reason there’s never a queue.’
At this point a man may (understandably) huff and say, ‘Well, why don’t you go to the bloody fish market?’ At that point you reply that you’re going to Westfield for a new Queen size white fitted sheet and a box of shortbread for Maureen next door (who bought you some candied fruit), as well as more wrapping paper and some angel’s wings from Spotlight because Sally is in the nativity pageant – but you’d be happy to swap. Trust me, he won’t.
There will be readers of this somewhat ranty, judgemental post who feel sorry for the men in my life. Please don’t. My husband, brother, father, father-in-law and brothers-in-law will have a fantastic Christmas filled with joy and goodwill.
I know, because that’s the way the women in our family have planned it.
Who makes Christmas happen in your family?
Comments
79 Comments so far
A Xmas dilemma: all my (now) 6 year old wanted from Santa was a skateboard. At his birthday party last week he was given one by a child in his class.
I think Santa still gives him one, my husband thinks not. But it is my problem to fix!!!!!!!
What to do??
(I did discreetly quiz him and he doesn’t seem too converned about maybe getting another. His alternative is an iPod which i think he is too young for.)
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Seriously, this is offensive, because it normalises the idea that this is just how it is, ie, if a woman wants a special Christmas, well then she’ll just have to do it herself because a guy just won’t get it. Surely, if you’re with a guy who’s worth it, they will willingly help out. Why can’t people expect more of their partners!?
As long as we keep perpetuating the idea of the woman who does everything, guys will have no reason to pick up the slack.
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You have pretty much described Christmas at my house, however I LOVE it! I have always been a huge Xmas enthusiast since I was a little girl, and to this day it is my favourite day of the year! My partner couldn’t care less and so I do all the running around to make Christmas a special day for ME. After all, i work my arse off all year, If I want to have one day where I eat a ridiculous amount of food, see my loved ones and open presents, I’m only too happy to make it happen.
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My elder sister is doing christmas at her place this year, and as her husband is british and his parents are coming over she wants to do a full on traditional spread with turkey and ham and brussel sprouts and generally other things that should not be eaten when it’s 35 degrees out.
I have volunteered for ‘pool supervision duty’ and have already bought a bottle of cosmopolitan mix in anticipation.
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Husband (after picking daughter up from last day of kinder): Gosh, those kinder teachers work hard. We should have got them a present or something to say thank-you.
Me: I did, I gave all the kinder teachers their presents and thank-you cards last week. I did it on the day of the kinder concert, when I cooked biscuits to bring and made our daughter’s concert outfit.
Husband (genuinely amazed): Really?! Oh, that’s good.
The footnote to this is that my husband and I have a very equitable relationship when it comes to work and child-rearing – we both work part-time and thus are the primary carers of our kids on different days. But does he have a clue about Christmas and all the ridiculous and trivial but important details- no sireee. But is he great at going out at 10pm on Christmas eve and buying a whole lot of presents I have forgotten from Kmart – absolutely?! Again, a complete and utter generalisation – but I think the fact that most men and dads expend so little energy preparing for Christmas means they can go the final leg on Christmas eve when you’ve collapsed with a bottle of vodka on the couch and can take no more.
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I love your writing Kate, I always feel like we’d get on well
I’m in two minds about this, and our xmases take on many forms due to family being spread all over the country. Some years we fly, some years we drive 8 or 14 hours, sometimes we stay at home. It’s a stay at home year this year, because I’ll be 37 weeks. And most family are saving their travel for the birth, so it’ll be a quiet xmas. Even so, and even though I’ve cut out a lot of the usual stuff (baking gifts etc), it still feels busy! Xmas is mostly up to me, but any expectations are ones I place on myself. I’ve been rushing around doing bits of shopping in my lunch breaks for weeks, although falling straight onto my stomach at 32 weeks was a bit of a wake-up call, and I’ve been trying to take things more calmly and slowly. Finishing up work (for the next 14 months) and increasingly numbers of end-of-year things, plus getting ready for baby hasn’t helped.
My Mum has always placed HUGE expectations on herself with xmas, and it’s tense and exhausting…she gets a bit miffed if I try and simplify things at xmas, and still insists on bringing a carload of food, inc. the vegetables and custard. So I guess I’m a bit torn on this one – I like creating the magic, esp. with 2 small children now, but don’t want to drive everyone else crazy by being a martyr. I also see friends spend all day on facebook, then complain about being up until 3am wrapping presents. On facebook. I just converted some fold-washing-while-watching-telly time into wrap-presents-while-watching-telly time and it was done.
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My sisters and I grew up with just my mum so for Christmas lunch we would go to my Grandparents house. My nan loves to cook and take care of everyone. It was my Pa’s job to keep us entertained while my nan and mum cooked. However anything to do with the BBQ was my Pa’s job.
Occasionally we stayed for dinner but usually we would go home and because we were so full from lunch we would have ham and salads.
If you keep Christmas lunch and dinner simple and prepare in advance I don’t think you have much to stress about.
This year it’s my mum, nan, sister and I preparing the food. We each have the dishes we need to bring so there isn’t going to be a lot to do on the day.
I think a lot of women make it hard for themselves and the pressure comes from them and not the family.
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Step 1 forward this post to husband
Step 2 nod in total agreement after melt down last night while baking xmas shortbread for work colleagues, rocky road, wrapping them up, curling ribbon etc after day of running around like a crazy person after work!
Step 3 explain to husband that his statement to everyone we know “i just love christmas and this time of year” is utterly frustrating because sadly christmas is often just a period of total stress for me. He does help out but he also works long and late before going on leave over the break and often the juggling of kids commitments, having friends etc for dinnner and preparing for christmas day is alrgely left on my shoulders.
Step 4 fall in a heap on boxing day!
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Just to bring a bit of balance to this article –
I’ve been really busy at work over the past couple of weeks. Got home quite late last night to see that my husband had put up the Christmas tree and laid out the decorations (including detangling the lights) for us to hang together. The chilled bottle of wine in the fridge was good too! I think I better hang onto him. ; )
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How about all the gift-buying for the kids … I don’t see guys getting into that much either. I can barely pin my Husband down to look at them before they’re wrapped. But then, he just discovered all his Christmas gifts from last year in a bag – so maybe presents aren’t his thing generally.
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Hmm 46c yesterday afternoon , had to help friend get the meat for xmas… Her driving ute through paddock at 80ks her husband running screaming a mob of sheep going everywhere …and me 47 yr old mum hanging out the window with the rifle , yep welcome to our xmas prep 4hours later us old dears dressed out 2 sheep made the corned meat, killed the ducks and geese and then I drove home fed the dogs, bought in the meat set it to chill got up at 4am and cut it up, YAY XMAS
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Bad post for me to read. Don’t voluntarily do stuff then complain. Do things differently so that it’s not as crap.
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Maybe we women do all the work because we are the ones who designed it that way? My hubby reckons if it was up to men, there would be a simple barby with a few drinks and laughs and maybe a stupid last-minute, unthought-out present but he thinks we are the ones who go way overboard and its for ourselves because they don’t want it that way. I have to admit I do think we women overdo everything. We can’t even have the mother’s group over without turning it into a three course meal!
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OK, I’ll bite. Many of you may have passive (some seem to be implying useless) partners who ultimately enjoy the end results of all your toil but for some of us the full Monty Christmas is something to be endured, often for the sake of domestic harmony. Let me put a series of propositions that suggest an alternative and simpler approach and yes I have grown children who don’t appear too scarred by my views, always bought all the presents for my side of the family, and shared the cooking. I just think most of that is largely pointless.
Christmas is out of control consumerism. The most memorable Christmas for me was when we gave World Vision gift sponsorships to the extended family members. It provided hours of entertainment comparing the latrine and pig vouchers. It isn’t the fancy food and presents that kids remember in the long run, its the relationships that are reinforced at the time of the year through, for example, going to the beach with the cousins. Further to that turkey and sugar-laden desserts contribute no more to the fellowship of the season than does a simple barbeque, perhaps with the meat or fish from a nice marinade, and some fruit salad.
Some downsides to the unanticipated single life but the end of the bigger Christmas is not one of them. The plan this year: presents for immediate family only; Christmas eve hosting (jointly with offspring) the grandparental generation; Christmas day lunch at a friend’s and light evening meal with what’s left or nearby of my original family. Not too long at any one engagement but enough to balance the good and bad parts of the season.
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We have xmas before xmas day, because with divorced parents (ours), inlaws and kids, it’s just too much to focus on xmas day. Mum got sick of seeing us all stressing out about getting to everyone who expected us that she decided she’d have all of us at her place the weekend or so before. It works great- others bring stuff (desserts usually), salads, charcoal chicken shop, bread rolls. Done. Minimal stress. It’s OK to do that! No martyrs, no tearful outbursts.
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Good plan. I just concede Christmas priority to kids’ in laws families because it’s good diplomacy and they seem to like the opportunity to air their disagreements on the big day.
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I wanted to be a man when I overheard three women at my work talking about their Christmas plans. They are planning, organising, giving, buying, fussing, cooking, and presenting a world of lovely, well thought through festivities. One in particular was preparing presents for her partner for the 12 days of Christmas – yes, 12 days of presents in the lead-up to the big day. Who wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of that? No, I’m not gay, but I think I need a wife!
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Anyone else see the resemblance to a typical wedding? Frazzled ‘martyr’ and He Who Swans in at the Last Minute and Wonders Why She’s Cranky?
Just add Santa and stir …
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In the spirit of generalisations, I’d say that woman have high jacked Christmas because they are not happy with our efforts. Beer, BBQ and back-yard cricket = a perfect Christmas day. If you want frills and tinsel, do it youself. Just just moan about it.
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In your generalised utopia, who does the kids Christmas presents??
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@ Faybian, the kids gifts are a bit tricky but nothing can’t be achieved in 20 minutes at KMart lol
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That pav that you eat each year without complaint. You cook that too? You make the salad’s cause your wife’s like a little green with there meat. You consider weather or not your kids will like their presents?
We have hijacted it, simply because we cant trust you men to put it together they way we can. which is with love and attention
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Nah, we don’t have frills and tinsel.
Everything done here is wanted by the men just as much as the women.
They don’t want sausages on christmas day, they want a gorgeously glazed ham bbq-ed. And if they don’t get their white chocolate rocky road, and the white chocolate baked cheesecake they get a bit toey.
The male family that come are usuually briming with ideas of what to bring food wise. And offer money and help.
It’s just my hubby that has a slack attitude like yours and would rather just sit back and enjoy it all and watch everyone else do the work.
No actually, he’s not slack so much, just overwhelmed.
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That’ll teach him for suggesting a women’s problem could be the woman’s fault.
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You have finally put into words what I have been trying to explain to my husband for years! There are a lot of little bits that go into Christmas or any other ‘occasion’ to make it come together. Oh women of the world unite!
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Christmas with my family is a huge burden, but only once every eight years. We are all spread out, so it’s “Danni’s turn to host 30 odd people this year, and organise everything.” Hard work, but it’s worth it.
Hubby’s family, easy-peasy. Everybody has their job to do, and who-does-what only changes when someone can’t do it for some reason — usually becoming too infirm, or excessively deceased.
I know that I have to make a mudcake, and procure several litres of the richest cream I can find. I do mudcake well, so that is the job that has evolved to suit me (I took over from a late, ancient Aunt who made Eton mess, after several years of setting tables and being a general dogsbody).
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“excessively deceased” made me giggle! Is that opposed to “mildly deceased” or “slightly deceased”?
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Being slightly deceased is such a poor excuse for not doing things — “I’m afraid I can’t come to Christmas, I died 5 years ago.” Harden up
!
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Love.
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Oh this is SO ME! I’ve hosted the last five Christmases at my house – because the rest of the family get so frazzled it’s just easier to bring everyone here, cook the turkey, glaze the ham and produce the hero dessert – the Tiramasu cake that costs over $60 to cook and assemble.
But this year….things are different….on Christmas morning I’ll be on an Emirates flight, on my way to Rome, drinking whatever they give me and watching movie marathons.
So nice to not have to be the ‘general’ this year!
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Nope, nothing like this in our household.
I have one rule for xmas…i will not travel. I think its unfair to make my kids sit in a car for an hour and a half when they have presents to enjoy so i dont travel which means we see relatives before or after xmas day. The actual day is just us and its awesome.
I only buy presents for the kids, us adults have stopped now and even then its vouchers for their favourite store.
Xmas day i pretty much do nothing, hubby does it all. Roast in the weber, vegies in oven and entree he takes care of also. He loves it!! I might do dessert and thats it. I love it, its actually a time of year when i relax! Then he will do it all again boxing day when my sister visits.
Yep i have it pretty good, even with my sons birthday three days before xmas.
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We do EXACTLY the same (except we both usually cook). But it’s just us on the actual day, and we only buy pressies for the kids too!
My kids were the ones to make the decision a few years ago when they were begging not to have to go anywhere xmas day, they hated the 2 hour drive.
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Same!
One year we had lunch at Avalon (Sydney) and dinner at Bowral (Southern highlands NSW). It was the worst day of our lives with small kids travelling all day just to keep both sides of the family happy.
Never again. Now we do Christmas day at our house with whoever wants to come and then will travel to see someone else who we didnt see on Christmas Day on Boxing Day.
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I have a simple saying for any event whether Xmas, birthday, weekend away. ” it’s hard work organising to have fun”.
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Forgive the off topic comment here but it is Hillary with a double L. Small thing, I know, but given she is the most powerful woman in the world it would be nice if more of us spelled her name right every now and then
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Fixed. Thanks.
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My husband’s job for Xmas – arrive home in time to shower and put on the clothes I have laid out for him on the bed, then get in the car for the 2.5 hr drive to wherever we are going. That is IT. No packing, no shopping, no cooking, no present buying, no cleaning. But also, No Say in any of it. That is the price he pays for not participating – no freedom of choice.
This works well for us though. Occasionally I would love it if he came home 3 hours early and helped me pack the car, that would be fantastic, but other than that I don’t really mind.
This year, he won’t be back in time to come up in the car with us, so it will be me doing all the above, plus keeping myself awake in the car while driving 2.5 hours with two cranky bored kids under 6, surviving on healthy snacks and water so I set a “good example”. While he enjoys a nice quiet drive, listening to NOT the Wiggly Christmas and eating roadhouse junk food. Am a teensy bit jealous of this bit…..
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I’ve already had my meltdown. My poor husband was on the receiving end last weekend as I was rattling off all the jobs I still had to do between now and Friday 21st, whilst knowing I had a 4 day interstate work trip and when finishing work on the 21st, have to have the car all packed up with presents wrapped and bags packed, ready to leave by 9am on Sat 22nd. I have had/will have to write Xmas cards, send presents to all the interstate/overseas family, pack 3 peoples bags (me and kids), wrap all the presents (after the kids are asleep of course) and have everything and everyone ready for departure by 9am on Saturday. Sheesh.
I believe my exact quote was, “Christmas falls on me”. Not my finest moment.
But bless him, his offers of help since have been wonderful and we’re now sharing more of the load… (though I secretly think he’s just trying to avoid the next meltdown!) Whatever works right?!
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My mum was the one who made the Christmas magic, for everyone. After she died a few days before Christmas it was no longer a season I wanted to celebrate. My sister took over making the Christmas magic and that’s where my kids went and still do 13 years on. I just can’t get into Christmas, this time of the year is sad for me.
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Hi Boodie, my mum died suddenly on December 19th (coming up to 13 years in two days time) and i understand how you feel. I only got the magic back when i had children of my own and i get to do the things for them that she did for us. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas xx
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I often hear this about deceased mums, your mum created the magic for you but your grief prevents you creating the same memories for your own kids?
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thinking of you. Christmas can be a sad time for a lot of people
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Yes this is our household too. My husband now has a pretty good idea of how to help out with the Christmas prep. He has booked 2 cleaners for 3 hours to come 2 days before we host the inlaws for an early Christmas bash. Very happy indeed!
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Yep I’m the magic maker in our house. Hubby just lets me be and pulls me into line if I’m going overboard. I wouldn’t change a thing either about our Christmas. Seeing our little ones faces on Christmas morning and during the day and how magically their Christmas is, makes be so proud “I’ve pulled it off again”! I have other women in our family that need to pull-off the whole Christmas dinner thing so I let them go in that department. As long as I pull off the lead-up to Christmas for my kids and pull-off THE DAY for them too I’m happy. Your posts are so true Kate. Almost like unspoken rules that are now being heard aloud. Love it.
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I decided on the turkey breast buffet thingy one year, so I stripped both of the breasts off the bone and baked them to have them cold on the day with salads, prawns etc. Well, while I was at work on Christmas eve, the other half and his mate had a whole breast each between slices of bread. And then they wondered why I was cranky. I bought the seafood, made the salads and the mango cheesecake, decorated the tree etc. Not sure what he did other than eat the main course before the day.
/ He’s an ex now by the way.
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When our kids were smaller I would have said that it seemed that I was the Xmas Faerie, but as the years go by, my husband has shared those duties.
I guess I felt that way because I was always exhausted tramping around the shops or on & off buses with my stuffed bags & a noisy baby in a pram.
I was always the one doing Xmas Eve dinner and breakfast on Xmas morning and then Xmas dinner at about 2pm Xmas Day – then I’d collapse in a lounge chair to the sound of “Aw, poor Mummy’s asleep”.
It’s not that no-one helped or that my husband sat around waiting for Xmas “magic” to happen………….Xmas time is always so HOT here and it just saps my will to get cracking on those festive foods.
Leading up to Xmas I always do a huge pudding and two (one for the rellies) huge Xmas cakes full of fruits & nuts & grog.
Our house smells AMAZING and when I add the XMAS BLEND oil from the “Perfect Potion” (out of stock now) – it’s just like Santa’s Workshop.
We love Xmas trees………my husband does a beautiful, big one and makes sure that you can see it twinkling from the street.
There’s presents under the tree including some for our pets and it’s a little ritual of mine “the night before Xmas” to sit in the dark with just the tree lights on and a “lemonade”.
Xmas to us will always be about family – it’s not a religious time in our house but it certainly represents what religion is supposed to be about.
I’d like to think that our children will carry on the tradition.
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Yes, I make Christmas happen.
And any other event with any meaning.
My husband just couldn’t or wouldn’t.
And I dont mind that as long as he recognises just how long and how much effort goes into planning it and is therefore around to help when I need help. And willing to do so. He does tend to argue and to procrastinate instead, which just adds to my work load and mucks things up.
But we are working on that. The last few years I”ve really spelt out why and how it’s all done, just so he understands. He had no idea. And we dont even do big family things…too much family, too far away. But it is still a feat in time management and coordination.
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Rudyroo,
I agree! I said to my Husband today “We should get the roasts today, since we only have one more work pay till Christmas” He wouldn’t have it, instead we should buy the god forsaken roast on pay day. Pay Day??!!! We have other things to do on pay day, other Christmas related things! (not to mention Ergon Energy casually sending us a $250 bill right before Christmas!)
It drives me mad! Does he think this pay day consists of a never ending pay??
He isn’t working this week, because he has time off for Chrtistmas. Does he seriously expect to get a full pay? Or get paid next week???
It makes me so mad. Yet, he goes on and on about Christmas lunch. Does he think I go through the Woolies self serve checkouts and pinch half the stuff??
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I’m the one that makes the magic happen in my house. We don’t have kids, but the bloke has 10 nieces and nephews, none of whom live in our town. I’m the person that remembers, buys, wraps and sends their birthday and Chrissy presents, although I do always thrust the birthday cards at him to write on (which he does about half the time). His job has always been to bask in the glory of a happy child who likes their present and loves the parcel arriving ON THE DAY!! (I had no idea how important this was, but trust me, Expresspost envelopes really matter). I have never indicated to any of the kids in any way that Uncle Bloke wasn’t the one who bought and sent it.
It’s backfiring on him now though – his two oldest nieces (who both love him to bits) just ask to speak to me now when they ring to say Thank you. He asked one why she wouldn’t talk to him, and she just said that Aunty Cady bought it and there was no point talking to him about it. Which is a bit scary when a 6-y-o who lives ten hours away from you knows so much about how the world works that she’s picked that up.
Not that it has made any noticeable difference to his attitude to presents this year…
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I must be one of the lucky ones. Whilst I’ve done all of the Christmas shopping and wrapping (which I love) my husband and I hosted a family lunch yesterday and he did about 99% of the work. I set the table and made everything look pretty, I put together a cheese platter and poured the drinks and he did everything else. All of the food prep, the cooking, the serving and because I haven’t been that well he subsequently spent 2 hours cleaning up last night after everyone had gone home. Lucky me.
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Gypsy,
Can I have your husbands phone number? I want my Hubby to give him a ring, maybe get a few pointers!!!
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I’ve finally reached the stage in my life where none of my kids believe in santa, so I’m not restricted to night time present wrapping anymore.
It is just me that organises Christmas in our family. Left to his own devices (and I have, trust me), my husband is down at the shops on Christmas eve, panic shopping. He actually forgot mother’s day this year, so I didn’t even get a card, not sure why the girls didn’t remind him, so I’m not prepared to have a practice crappy few Christmases, just so he can remember. He is always apologetic when he forgets these things (and he does semi regularly), but he is very absent minded.
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YEP! I do a totally no-fuss Christmas – no guests, no visits, no planned lunch, no decorations – but if it weren’t for me there wouldn’t even be any presents bought or a Christmas tree to put them under!
That said, I do think if men were the only creatures in the world they wouldn’t miss having a selection of eight different vegetable sides, colour coordinated napkins, a table seating arrangement which takes into account past history and slightly yellowed bedsheets! Christmas would (usually) happen and be great for them although it would look pretty different.
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……… I juste watched this and stated welling up…….. tired much ???
Think I need a couple of days on a deserted island…… just me and the dog !!!
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…….. I just watched this add and started welling up…… tired much ????
Think I need a good couple of days on a deserted island….just me and the dog !!!!
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I totally agree. I’m not into the spirit of Xmas at all & only suck it up for the kids’ sake. I’m already over it by October. It doesn’t help that all this manic activity coincides with the end of the work year & end of the school year, and all the associated pressures that comes with that.
My Mum & her husband are staying at a 5-star hotel this year for 2 nights and eating the decadent lunch provided there. Sounds like the way to go!!
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TOTALLY
I do it all, as mentioned above, all the shopping, cooking, planning, communicating, buying all the pressies – for my IN-LAWS too, THINKING about all the pressies, organising the holiday, the childcare, the santa photos, the cards, the return thank yous, the pre Xmas drinkies…etc.etc.etc.
I DO IT ALL
My husband just turns up and enjoys the day.
Not that I mind, but YES I am the General
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Same! My in-laws have stopped getting birthday presents because hubby just doesn’t really think or care about buying them.
That said he doesn’t expect them from anyone either, so there’s no hypocrisy
I’m not prepared to stop buying them for everyone for Christmas though, so I do the planning and buying gifts for my in-laws too.
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My family is full of women who want to have big lavish Christmases and wont accept less. So I guess they create the Christmas they want for themselves. The men in my family would be happy with a barbeque and would probably cook it, but that wouldn\’t suffice for the ladies.
Dad always tidies up and gets the gardens and lawns all nice for the big day and the pool cleaned. He always puts the toys together and makes the drinks.
I think if you want an extravaganza you\’ll probably do it yourself, but don\’t complain when you scream at the kids and hubby to share your \”enthusiasm\”.
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My DH makes the (AMAZING) drinks, Dad and Pop do all the clean up, so I think we have a happy balance
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If it weren’t for me, Christmas, birthdays and every other special occasion would never be celebrated!
I get a bit peeved sometimes at all the effort I put in when my husband (god love him) does zip. But like Julie says below, it’s worth all the effort to create wonderful memories not only for our kids, but for us as well. I would hate to look back on their early years and recall that I hadn’t had the enthusiasm to celebrate with them.
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I agree… I’ve said to my husband u do realise santa is me .
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As long as they don’t have the usualy woe is me attitude and actually own the fact that they are the ones that WANT to do it, no biggie as far as I am concerned. My mum works most christmas, so it is usually dad that does most things.
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I really don’t understand why people do this to themselves. My mum made a huge deal of Christmas, and it was always nice enough (though the extreme pressure to look super happy all day wasn’t enjoyable), but even as a little kid I would have much preferred we just go a restaurant and then be done with it if it meant my mother wouldn’t become a shouty, angry monster in the lead-up. A month of stress and walking on eggshells isn’t worth one pretty good day.
The women in my family are such martyrs though. None of the extended family gets along, everyone would be much happier if they just did small celebrations with their immediate family, but no, my mum, aunts and grandmothers have to drag us all together, cook enough food to feed a small nation and then act as though we held a gun to their head, forcing them to put on this extravaganza that no one enjoys.
If you don’t want to do the whole Christmas thing, just don’t. It’s a choice, not an obligation.
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We do this – go out for a christmas lunch. There used to be too much bickering between my mother and her siblings over what was cooked so someone, years ago, had the idea to go to a restaurant and we’ve done it ever since. Waaaaaay simpler and less drama. But then its also made easier because there are no young children in my family – yet.
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Kate, that is why I am sooooooo very happy my Mother In Law lives 3,000km away. I don’t have to hear how I didn;t do this right, or that right. I don’t have to hear how I am not good enough for her son, or how she wishes he had never met me….
Christmas, just me, my Hubby and our daughter. Pure bliss.
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I’m in the ‘that’s me’ camp. My husband puts up the lights and the tree (just the tree not the decorations) and he will shop for some things, but that’s it. I do the calendar coordination and organising, I make sure every gift is bought, I wrap said gifts, I attend end of year assemblies, presentations and parties, I cook Christmas morning breakfast, salad for Christmas night and a dish for Boxing Day as well. All this whilst simultaneously organising packing for holidays which begin day after Boxing Day.
This isn’t a ‘poor me’ list…it’s just what has to be done and I’m crazy go nuts for Christmas so I like to make it as festive as I can. Anyway, my husband can’t cope with the shops and crowds any other time of the year so Christmas shopping is the worst form of torture for him.
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I love getting the chance to cook, and create a magical Christmas. I am not a feminist nor a domestic servant. I am a professional Software Manager and Mum of (nearly) 2.
Cooking and ‘creating’ are my meditation. I am also blessed with a husband who cleans and thanks me for doing these things for our family and his. If anyone tries to enter the kitchen beware……..that’s my domain!
Christmas…I got this!
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Yup, it is definitely the women in our family that make Christmas happen. The men love it all, but really aren’t as emotionally attached. I’ve put up our tree, decorated the house, written the cards, bought and wrapped the presents – because as much as my other half like it all, he wouldn’t really miss it if it wasn’t there. As I was wrapping things beautifully to go under the tree he was telling me how wrapping paper is a waste and I can just leave his in a bag – and then I had to wrap my own present from him.
But I don’t mind. As I see it, I’m the one who cares about this stuff, so I should be the one who does the work. And the thing is, I really don’t consider it work because it is all so very enjoyable.
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I am excited to plan my Christmas Eve lunch. I enjoy scouring through the recipes and deciding what is for lunch.
This year may be the last Christmas we get with my Step Dad, if his bowel cancer treatment does not work. This Christmas will be extra special, this year it is two roasts, a lamb and a chicken (his favourite), with Toblerone Cheesecake (that he loves). It will be the first time in a while we won’t discuss his cancer. It will be a joyful ocassion.
But every other year, I love it. It is implied that I cook a festive fair, and on Christmas Eve afternoon my family leave my house, full, discussing what “a good spread” I put on.
I really, really enjoy it.
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Kate HELL YES!
I made the observation about two years ago that I now know and understand why my own mother was such a bitch around this time of year.
I am doing my best and I love Christmas but all the extra cooking, shopping and running around and putting on happy faces is tiring in the extreme!
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Yes! Yes! Yes!
I often dont get to bed until 1 or 2 on Christmas morning (only to be woken by frantic children at 5) because I am busy arranging their gifts after dragging them out of the attic, making Santa’s glass of milk look half consumed, taken a bite out of the carrot left for the reindeers and left crumbs where shortbread was left for Santa too…
Thats is after Carols has finished on TV and the whole family, including my husband, retire to bed!
This year I am going to make him stay up and get involved.
Though we had a Christmas party on Sunday and I shopped for our contribution to lunch, bought and wrapped gifts for all and then popped down to buy flowers and a bottle of champagne for the hostess. Straightened teenage daughters hair, ironed everyone clothes and then husband, who had been reading the newspapers all morning, complained that I was still putting my makeup on when we were due to leave!
Grrrrr
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There’s a massive feeling of relief when you get through the shopping list for EVERYONE. (Then you shudder at the amount of wrapping to do). I bitterly laugh at my MIL who seems to think that her son actually buys for his Kris Kringle recipient. Despite what she thinks, leaving my partner to do his bit will just mean that someone wont get a gift. Maybe I’ll let him do that one day if he gets her name!
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I say, let him buy his gifts, and let him deal with the embarrassment when his recipient misses out. He’s a grown-up, his recipient is a grown-up. You have to be preapred to not get embarrassed yourself, though, especially when the in-laws consider gift-buying ‘wife-work’.
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I do all the shopping and wrapping of gifts (no kids yet but separated parents, PIL, extended family and siblings-in-law mean about 30 gifts need to be purchased). My partners idea of xmas shopping is wandering around the shops aimlessly until you might find something. My idea of xmas shopping is doing up an excel spreadsheet and budget in November with ideas listed next to each person and smashing it all out in 1-2 days. I generally have the present ideas anyway so it’s easier if I do what JJ does and just get it done. This year I was all done 10 days before xmas! If I had left it to my partner he wouldn’t have started and this would stress me out more, now we can just relax and enjoy the season.
We are a team, my partner will tell me I’ve done a great job and pour me a big glass of wine and make dinner while I am wrapping. This way our family will get thoughtful gifts that have been fabulously wrapped. Suits me.
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