It is a truth universally acknowledged that a chip taken from another’s plate will always be more delicious.

This rule holds whether you have ordered chips of your own, are still awaiting their arrival or foolishly chose a pasta dish that came without any accompanying deep-fried deliciousness. The epitome of golden crispy perfection will always belong to another.

It’s a conundrum as old as time itself and ultimately leads to the most complex of societal questions:

When is it okay to steal someone else’s chips?

Lucky for humanity, we have conducted some comprehensive scientific research and come up with a definitive guide of when potato-related thefts are permissible. Please take the time to study and memorise before commencing your next pub meal.

1. If the chips are ordered as a side to someone’s burger and there’s less than an adult-sized handful – they’re off limits.

2. Unless of course, you’ve ever had sex with that person. In which case, you’ve totally got a right to those chips.

3. If you’re at a table of more than eight people and yours is the only meal which hasn’t arrived then it is expected that you extract a ‘chip tax’ off anyone who wishes to commence eating.

5. However. If you ordered a side salad or vegetables (you smug son-of-a-bitch) instead of hot chips as an accompaniment to your meal, then you forfeit all rights to eat chips off another person’s plate. 

6. There are innumerable karma points for being the person who orders communal chips ‘for the table’. This is definitely key to achieving the next left of Buddhist spiritual enlightenment.

7. Where there is a ‘leading’ chip in a communal bowl, one which is juicier or more delicious looking than its counterparts, it is appropriate to leave that chip for the purchaser of the communal bowl.

8. Same rule applies for the last remaining full-size chip.

9. Calories don’t count for chips you eat that you did not order or pay for. That’s just science.

10. Condiment choice is at the discretion of the communal chip bowl purchaser.

11. But all the same, it is extremely rude to douse a communal chip bowl with a non-traditional condiment. Tomato sauce, salt, chicken salt, or gravy are the only appropriate complements to cover shared chips in. 

12. All other condiments, including but not limited to vinegar, aioli, BBQ sauce, chilli sauce and mayonnaise, must be compartmentalised.

13. Especially BBQ sauce. You sickos.

14. Double dipping amongst relatives or people you’ve known for more than three years isn’t gross, it’s just friendly.

Enjoy your chips.