Domestic abuse survivors don’t sit at home mulling over stats and which gender is worse than the other for violent behaviour. We sit at home thanking our lucky stars that we have come out alive and been able to nurture ourselves and our children back to something resembling a normal life even though he keeps trying to tear that life apart.
It started over thirty five years ago, beginning with small episodes of control which I didn’t recognise as abuse, they confused me more than anything, they were small things, punching holes in walls, he’s just angry, he will get over it.
My children’s father left our lives for a number of years. He returned six years ago and took a particular interest in one of the boys who was in the early years of teenagehood. Several months later, he took him out for a day and never returned him home.
I rarely see my son although he lives only 25km away in the same city. I have glimpsed him from afar but I have stayed away, too aware of the consequences and because we are all reasonably safe now. It is so hard to have to choose between seeing him and keeping us all safe. I have seen him in places that are considered “safe” for some birthdays, a christmas day recently. Safe is anywhere that is either public or well away from the knowledge or realm of control that my former husband has in our social circle
This letter to my son has sat in my computer for a while now but I still feel the same as I did six years ago when he left.
To my missing child
It is so hard to think of how things have turned out for us. I often avoid the thoughts, the ruminations, the what if’s because they all make me feel deficient and powerless as a mother but what else was I to do? Not even my strongest mother lioness act could have stopped this from happening. What a failure I sometimes feel myself to be.
I know you find it awkward to come see me now and you keep yourself at a distance from us. Once there was a time when you would not dream of leaving my side, when you chose me, without question, as the person you would always want beside you but that’s gone now. Just like you. Gone.
I still miss you so much. I feel the familiar physical ache in my chest and my stomach. A tightening of the chains that once bound our hearts together. Now they bind an empty, gnawing space where you used to be, crushing my heart. The chains tighten more as you slip further and further away from me. All the time, inexorably further and further away, especially as you grow older, something I will not have the chance to be part of now. And I really wanted to be part of that. It is the price I pay for you and us to have peace in our lives.
It isn’t fair. If I let myself think too long and too deeply about you leaving me, I am sure my heart will vanish completely, blown into smithereens by those f*cking chains that get tighter and tighter as though they have a life of their own. No matter how I try, I cannot control this pain. I have, amazingly, learnt to live with it every single day. Now and then, like today, I can’t imagine how I have lived with it. Today, it is like an indigestible chunk of gluey bread that sticks in my throat, refusing to be swallowed down and away and forgotten about.
We both know, although we do not say it, that you also feel deficient and as though you have failed me. You feel a deep and scorching shame that you chose peace in your life by choosing to go and live with your father so that he would leave you and the rest of your family alone. We both know that neither of us know how to cross that chasm of deficiency, of loss, of unfairness, of the harsh reality of the violence and mayhem that he created in our lives. We just can’t talk of it now. We just can’t. It would kill me more than it would you and you are acutely aware of this.
Our only hope lies in waiting. Waiting for the day when he has no power to charge recklessly around our lives wielding his destruction on our family. Waiting until the children are all old enough to be able to be free of his manipulations, his constant control and the violence, his endless bitterness and need to seek retribution. You have kept him happy. You have kept him at bay.
I hope that we can wait this out and spend more time with you. I live for that day. I still live for you, my son. I always will.
Mum xxx
Comments
53 Comments so far
Brave story, as someone who has a friend who has gone through a similar thing I know how little control you have over this.
All the posters condemning you do not realise that these situations are not as simple as you may think.
I hope you are reunited soon, I know how it kills my friend a little everyday, and can only imagine this is how you feel too.
In pain, and powerless.
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All of you who live to see your kids grow up every day of their lives and can be the mother you always dreamed of being for them should feel blessed every day. Its not the reality for us all, but it doesnt cause us to love our kids any less.
We can only hope they know that..
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Wow…I can’t believe the harshness or insensitivity of many commentators. This woman is sharing her story…We need to listen and be supportive, not judgemental…It’s her story and her pain unless we can walk a mile in her shoes everyone should just keep the negativity to themselves.
Thanks for sharing your painful story, I hope that one day you will be reunited with your son.
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This story has stuck with me for a couple of days and I think I am now able to articulate why it disturbs me (apart from the obvious). It is because the child has been forced to take the position of parent and the letter makes it clear that he bears some responsibility for the family set-up and for protecting his mother and siblings from the father. I hope the letter writer never actually shows that letter to her son but writes another one day, again articulating how much she misses him but removing any insinuation of the child’s culpability but begging forgiveness that she as his mother, was not able to do more.
One of the saddest things about domestic violence to me is that the child often tries to protect the parent, sacrificing their childhood, when they are the one who is most vulnerable.
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I think you said this perfectly. It bothers me as she doesn’t seem to realise she is still not acting as the parent. Even in this letter.
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Yes, he grew up quickly for a young teenager but not because I forced him to. He was not denied his childhood. The years he spent with his siblings and I were the best that he could have had under the circumstances.
In real terms, as his mother who should be begging his forgiveness, what would you suggest I did? Take him through years of another court case that he didn’t want and begged me not to do? Spend every hour of every day at his side making sure that his father had no access to him whatsoever? How would you suggest that I support him and his siblings and myself while I make sure his father couldn’t get near him? I suggest you give your suggestion a little bit more thought before you make it and realise how untenable and unrealistic it is.
My son doesn’t expect me to beg him for forgiveness for anything that I have done in his life. That you suggest it is an insult to him and myself and what we have endured.
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Sorry, I obviously didn’t explain myself very well. I’m not suggesting there was anything more you could have done in your circumstances. My point is that your letter (from my reading) appears to grant him forgiveness for his choices, when really he was a little boy with no real choice as all.
As parents, even when things are not our fault it doesn’t mean that we don’t feel like we have failed our kids. For example, my biggest fear is that I will die and leave my kids without a mum. If I found out I was dying I *think* my overwhelming feeling would be terrible guilt that I had to die and leave my kids without a mum. Not that there would be anything I could do about it.
I’m not trying to tell you how you should feel, just that the tone of the letter feels a little “off” to me, a tone that speaks of your continuing trauma and the skewed family relationships that come out of domestic violence, and one that if I were you, I would reassess before showing to your son.
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while I am sorry for what you have gone through in the past, I find it hard to express sympathy for what you are going through now.
it appears to me that you have chosen to sacrifice your son to acheive a brief respite.
what about the fact ( which you do not mention) that the child’s father is highly likely to be physically abuing the child.
your son was in his early teens when he ‘chose to leave’, was he? was there a psychologist who made the informed decision that he was old enough and sufficiently mature enough to make this choice and be aware of the consequences?
you say that you are ‘reasonably safe?’ well your son isn’t. he is in danger, physically, emotionally, and morally.
I feel sorry for your son but I just don’t understand how you can leave him there and not fight with every breath in your body to have him back.
I’ve been through the family courts as well, more than once, and it has made me a stronger person who won’t hesitate to fight for my children and their rights.
maybe it has made me rather judgemental as well of those who chose the easy way out and refuse to fight for their children. I read this a few hours ago and have tried to calm down a ibt before responding but I am still at a loss to understand why this mother does not fight for her son and his lifelong wellbeing
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But what if your fourteen year old son was saying ” f*% k off mum, I want to live with dad?”
Or leave me alone I want to live with dad- it’s easier with him, there is no stress ?
. Because it probably is less stressful for the boy to go with his dad – it stops the constant fighting between mum and dad, dad stops being angry and harassing mum because he has got what he wants- the eldest son. And to inflict ongoing pain on his ex wife.
Mum is not so anxious any more because the ex husband is satisfied – he ” got the prize”. She and the younger children can relax a little because the constant harrassment has stopped.
It would take months if not years to fight for custody in the courts in the mean time the boy is being fed lies, half truths and being alienated against mum.
By letting go it is a way of caring for your children. To stop the conflict and animosity and the tug of war between the two parents so the child(ren) can have a measure of peace is the only thing you can do to help them. Even if it is personally very painful and causes you much anguish as a parent.
I think anon was parenting and protecting her boy in the best way she could – by letting go.
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I don’t mention the “fact” that his father is highly likely to be physically abusing him because it isn’t a fact. The fact is that it is the opposite. This child has been his father’s favourite child since he was born. While the other children have not been treated well, this child has never been abused physically at all. He never will be because if you know how the mind of an abuser works, physically hurting this child is the same as inflicting pain upon himself. This child is an extension of him and will not be physically hurt, I can assure you. And I know that is fact because he hasn’t been physically hurt. Mentally and emotionally, this child knows his father well and ignores his unreasonableness. He is a relatively happy young adult now given all that he has been through.
As an early age teenager, he was old enough to tell me that he just couldn’t stand another court case centered around him.
In the family court psychologist’s report in an earlier case, he was asked to name what kind of animal his parents would most resemble. For me, he chose a whale because he thought I was big,strong and calm for him, that I could swim through rough water and that I could be trusted to take care of him. At the time he left, he said that taking care of him was letting him go. Everyone has a line they draw as to how they want to live their lives, even children and teenagers, although we seldom give them credit for this. He drew his line and I respect that. He was brought up to know his own mind and he showed me that he did.
I wish you well with your future and your children but be careful about the assumptions you may make about how your children may feel about the endless conflict you plan to put them through by fighting with every inch of your life to have them with you. In some ways, I think you may be falling into the easiest trap of all. Have you asked your children how they feel about the many court cases you may have to put them through? Studies consistently show that it is ongoing conflict between parents that does the most damage to children.
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No I have not planned to spend the next few years in court – that was snide and uncalled for, in my opinion. but at least I am not afraid of standing up for myself.
I will respond with affidavits and court appearances if I must, to ensure my children receive the best life and education that they can. but excuse me if I dont take parenting advice from you. I think we parent quite differently.
I thank you for your response, and having read it twice, I must still say that I simply do not understand your choices.
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What a heart-breaking story. Thanks for sharing it, and all the best to you. Hope your future sees a reunion with your son.
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So glad that someone has spoken about this. I have not seen my children for 5 years – they will be 12 and 10 respectively and my decision not to go close to their father – as much for their sake as for mine and for my other three kids often leaves me wondering if they will understand as they get older. I had to disengage to diffuse the situation …………… for them…………to stop them being used and being at risk. It is so difficult to explain mother’s day and birthdays to people who have not been in this spot. Nor did I ever imagine I would be. Thank you.
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Bexsta, you have really done the best and only thing possible for your children. That doesn’t make it easy though and I know how you must worry. I remember I was like a feverish mother cat looking for my missing kitten when it hit me that he wasn’t coming home. I was surprised at myself how strongly I felt and how instinctual the feeling was to find him and bring him home. One day, they will be with us, one day not too far away xo
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yeah, those pesky fathers wanting rights and all. pffft.
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Yeah, what about what’s best for the kids? Pfft!
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What’s going on with with the comments and likes? I was having problems with likes, Mamamia? First my likes were randomly liking comments I didn’t like, now my replies aren’t replying to those I’m replying to?????
Yeesh, MM is falling apart since Rick left!
Yes, let’s blame Rick
He shouldn’t have left
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Wait – Rick is gone? Where did he go?
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If you abuse and terrify your children and/ or their mother, if you control and devastate your family, you don’t deserve the same rights as other people.
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Welcome to the world of most fathers in seperations – a position only made worse by the Gillard government. Funny how sympathetic everyone is, yet all you are doing is recounting the experience of the vast majority of men in marriage bust ups. And yes, those men feel abused and manipulated too, the only difference is that society doesnt give a shit about them.
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Um, how has the Gillard government made it harder? Because of the new DV laws? I’d love to hear your story Anonymous – and I’d love to hear the other side, too!
I suspect you’re trolling, because these new laws have only come into force in the last week.
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I am not trolling at all, just stating the obvious. The widening of the definition of DV will come with the current caviet that it is only women that can ever be domestic victims, so it just gives a new range of accusations wives can throw to imrpove their case. And to say many women dont pursue this tactic to their advantage (when so much is at stake) is to be blinkered beyond belief.
Case in point, the mother that got sole custody after falsely accusing her ex of child abise, despite her only getting this idea from a clairvoyant, not her child. And guess what she gets for her trouble of false accusation – yep, sole custody. No, women have no reason to suggest wrong doing by a spouse do they – pfft pfft.
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The law is gender-neutral. You complain that women use the laws to keep children away from fathers. Men use the same laws to keep children away from mothers, too.
The law is gender-neutral. Men complain about losing money and property, I am a living example of a woman who bought my life back, and nearly lost my home, which I bought well before I met my ex. Luckily I was in a financial position to buy my life back. What a learning curve that was! Just because I was the “womenz”, didn’t mean anything!
Please stop making this out to be a “men’s right’s” issue! Everyone loses when a couple or a family breaks up – regardless of whether DV is a factor or not. Especially when DV is a factor! If DV is a factor, the “PINOP” ‘s testimonial is questioned to the Nth degree. I don’t, and won’t, go through that again…..
The problem is: It’s very easy to get involved in a relationship when those feel-good honeymoon endorphins are flowing, and much harder to get out of a relationship when reality sets in. Both men and women are guilty of submitting to the hormones, by the way.
And once children are a part of that relationship? Well, you have a relationship with your ex FOREVER!
So Anonymous, perhaps you should(‘ve) been careful about whom you breed with?
And perhaps you should consider what’s best for your kids before what you want? Which means not using your kids to punish your ex? Again, this is a gender-neutral concept. Because, for every parent whom claims abuse of the kids these days, there is another parent who can just as easily claim parental alienation, gender-neutral!
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if it were all so gender neautral according to the law, why do men end up spending so much less time with their kids when relationships fail I wonder. You can try and paint it any way you want, but statistics show that the system is anti fathers, pro mothers. I am not sure how that equates to being in the childs interests, unless you accept a sexist view of what is in a childs interest that is.
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Anonymous and Nicki, Can we please not turn this into another slanging match of who is the worst done by. Men, women and children have all been so badly hurt by family violence. I understand that you both feel aggrieved and rightly so. However, so far, nothing has been achieved by diverting attention to which gender can do family violence with the most effect. Attention needs to focus on real ways to protect families and ensure the damage stops early, not before it is so far gone that the people involved carry the hurt forever. There are so many better ways to deal with this that have not been used. The redefining of the laws is a start. A good one, if the courts and police are able to act on them with intelligence, insight and empathy for the way parents feel about their children and are given the resources to do it. They are a good step forward for both men and women and, most importantly, the children.
It is not the purpose of my post to apportion blame anywhere. The purpose is to show how the consequences are devastating beyond what most people would know and that quoting stats or generalisations about which gender is the worst brings no comfort to those of us who have been through it. We want it to change so no one has to feel the things we have felt. Or feel what our children have felt.
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Parent alienation is not actually illegal though. I think it probably should be recognised as child abuse.
Though fundamentally cases like this article where parents lose contact with their children due to DV and ones where parents lose contact due to parental alienation are due to the same core issue – that the law, court and policing systems do not have the power (and sometimes willingness) to resolve these issues. Very sad for both the parents and the child in all cases.
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Generalisations about ‘all women’ or ‘all men’ have absolutely no place in comments on a single personal story, nor in a logical discussion.
Yes, everybody’s story is different and I’m sure all women on here feel sympathy for the fathers manipulated out of seeing their children too.
But they aren’t telling their story here, and it’s not a competition about whose story is the most pitiful and unjust.
If you want to widen the discussion there are far more polite ways to do it. You certainly wouldn’t be invited back to my dinner party.
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i am wishing you that your child – inspite the obviously powerful manipulator he now lives with – finds the force within him and through others to grow into a young man who will make his own choices and form his own opinions.
how could he not want to see you again, spend time with you, once he is out of the direct influence of your ex husband.
each story is different and i dont like telling mine, but i hope people understand how much fear reigns in families, even after the breakup of a couple when there is abuse, thanks for sharing your story and all the best.
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I couldn’t imagine a day without my son. You’re a brave woman and remember that you are lucky that you’re a survivor. It’s unfortunate that your son is not a part of your life but hopefully one day he will be. In the meantime just keep reminding yourself that you made the right decision.
Best wishes to you and your family.
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I have no words of wisdom for you. I just want you to know that my heart aches for you and your son. May your patience be rewarded.
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Thank you to all of you who have commented and realised how much family violence affects people, despite the laws, the police and the courts – they do try but it just doesn’t make a difference to people who are hellbent on destroying your happiness. Your comments are greatly treasured xo
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Your reunion with your son one day will be greatly treasured by us, Anonymous <3 xxooxx
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Thank you Delly. I can honestly say that the day cannot come quickly enough xo
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The young man concerned has every legal right to see his mu. Calculating his age, I’d guess him to be about 19-20, but maybe there’s been some of the alienation syndrome that people bang on about (mostly men) has gone on here, or he thinks he’s protecting younger siblings.
Variations on this theme happen all the time, unfortunately.
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Wow, what a powerful story. Unfortunately the law and justice are two different things as the writer is no doubt aware. This is a good reminder for those of us not trapped between the rock and hard place that is a domestic abuse situation to count our blessings. May the sun shine brighter in the future for you and your son xx
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I feel every ounce of your pain, you are living my greatest fear.
” We sit at home thanking our lucky stars that we have come out alive and been able to nurture ourselves and our children back to something resembling a normal life even though he keeps trying to tear that life apart.”
Very true and very real.
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Anonymous,
I respect your tenacity and endurance to have made it through the struggles you have already encountered, as well as the honesty you show in the way you have shared your struggles with us. My mother went through a similar situation with my father, and my whole family bears the emotional scars from living through domestic abuse. It affects us all now, and I don’t doubt that it will continue to affect us for the rest of our lives in one way or another.
What Loop said is right. From reading your post, I feel that what you are currently doing is “avoiding the potential violence and manipulation inflicted by [your] abusive ex”. The reasons for doing so are obvious; avoiding more emotional pain, protecting yourself and your children, keeping the peace. But it saddens me that you are missing out on your son’s life and that both of you are clearly being damaged by this separation. I really struggled to read your post and especially your letter to your son.
However, I worry that acting to avoid your ex-husband’s anger and wrath is in fact a continuous reaction to his behaviour and personality. When we react to someone else’s behaviour, we hand over our power and control to that person. They are the ones who are (indirectly) dictating and manipulating our behaviour, not us, and in this way they have control over our decisions, our behaviour and our lives. I would stress that I think it is important (albeit incredibly difficult in situations such as these) to maintain control over our lives by choosing our behaviour independently of others, rather than reacting.
This is often made more difficult because we feel disempowered. We spend years reacting to the behaviour of abusive people in our lives, and we can’t imagine how to deal with the situation in any other way. Soon, we accept almost anything that comes our way – often at the cost of our own personal happiness or well-being – as long as we don’t have to fight against those people who hold power in our lives. As long as we don’t cause any more trouble.
The truth is, however, that you are not disempowered. You have the power to control the direction and outcome of your life, including whether and when you see your son. Unfortunately, accessing this power will come at the cost of disrupting the peace and potentially causing more trouble in the short term. But the reality is, you have a right to see your son. Legal remedies exist to enforce that right, and these are made more accessible through legal aid and other avenues. All it takes is a bit of research. Outside of the law, I believe that you have the power to change the terms of your relationship with both your son and your ex-husband, and to empower yourself in that relationship so that you can have a greater role in dictating how, and when, you see your son. You can do this through your actions, through your words, through your decisions. Be stubborn, and never say never.
Ultimately, don’t give up. Create and maintain a belief in yourself, that you have the right and the power to change these relationships, and to change your life. Yes, it will undoubtedly cause trouble and stress in the short-term as you struggle against your ex-husband, and it is easy it shrink away from the fight, to accept your circumstances and to react according to your ex-husband’s behaviour. But in the long term, if you can shift that balance of power between yourself and your ex-husband, the rewards for you (and your son) will be incomparable. Imagine finally being free from the tyranny of your ex-husband! I say this not from a ‘high-horse’ position, but from my own experiences growing up in a situation of domestic abuse. It’s a power struggle that I am currently engaged in, but I am determined to fight for the power to control my own life and what happens to me and to those I love. It is hard, but it is also more than worth it in the end.
Good luck.
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Your comment hit very close to home a little too close. The law isn’t always clear cut and you do again have to give up a bit of your power to the courts to decide the future of your children and you and often can put you in a position of being worse off or in more harms way than when you began
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Thank you anon1.
It is true that the sense of powerlessness is awful. After such a long time, I felt it was time to call it a day with trying to achieve justice. Our lives were circling the drain and I just felt it was time. Some people are relentless and all you can do is get away with some of your lives still salvageable xo
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I’m a bit confused, if the father has just taken him one day without consent, were the police involved? Wouldn’t the courts be involved in determining custody? How can he just take him and never let you see him?
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As a child of domestic violence I can understand this. My mother left my father many, many times before the last time. Each time he tracked us down and ‘punished’ us for leaving. He also beat up members of his and our family to find out where we were.
We had to move over 1500s kms away and correspond with our family through a solicitor for years before he gave up. He still tried to pop up in my life as recently as 2007 (we left in 1973) and this involved police in two states. When he died last year, I only felt relief.
The law is not always clear cut and the damage this man could do before the courts awarded custody back to the mum, and what would happen afterwards, could be frightening.
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The police were involved on occasions for various matters to do with the children. He had taken the children without warning previously or refused to hand them back following contact. He was still granted orders for contact though and I followed them as otherwise I would have broken the law. I had residency orders but the police are understaffed and do not have the resources to resolve these things fairly quickly. It would have taken many months or years even to go to court.
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I just want to say you and your son are very brave. I suspect you are one of our lovely regulars, and your warmth, compassion and wisdom shines through. I hope you and your boy find a safe space and reconnect in the coming years.
Much love xo
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Bless you Zelicat … you guessed !
I stayed anon this time for my children’s sake xo
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Make sure your son gets to read your letter one day. I’m sure he’d love to know how you feel and that even though you’ve allowed it to happen (by not actively fighting against it, which is sometimes the only form of control we have left) that you’re not OK with the separation either.
I know of SO many sociopathic ex-husbands, including my own. I wish they had a**hole tattoo-ed on their foreheads so other women would know to stay away. They’re damaged goods and can’t be helped.
Best of luck, Anonymous xxxx
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Thank you Janelle xo
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25Km away??? FFS make ammends, life is too short. He’s not ‘gone’ – he is living elsewhere.
I find this post insensitive to mothers who have actually lost their children in the true sense of the word
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The problem is not making amends with her son, Alix, it’s avoiding the potential violence and manipulation inflicted by her abusive ex.
I find this comment insensitive to the writer – I can’t believe you’re fighting a perceived insensitivity with an attitude that is no less insensitive.
Yes, her son is not truly gone and for that she can be thankful. But would you say mothers whose children have been kidnapped should be happy, because at least they aren’t dead? Would you refrain from complaining about *any* part of your life, because you aren’t starving in Sudan right now? Probably not. People are entitled to their stories and feelings, no matter how they compare to any others in the world.
Perspective is good, but calling ‘insensitivity’ for just telling her story is ridiculous.
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Wow Alix, just wow. Be careful, your heart might shatter from being Ice cold. Either you didn’t read the whole post or you don’t understand the situation both son & mother are in. I bet she wishes it was as easy to just make amends.
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Did you even read the whole post?
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25km may as well be thousands of kilometres.
The last time I was in his house, he tried to have me charged with breaking and entering. The police refused to handle the matter so he took out a civil action in court for the same charge. The police were terribly uncomfortable delivering the summons to me and were most apologetic. Another day in court, another day of wages lost, another few weeks of anxiety. The magistrate was incensed that he was wasting the court’s time and the action did not go through. I have so many stories like this I could bore you for a lifetime with them.
This is why 25km is much more than it seems.
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I’m sure there are legal safeguards in place that would help you to see your son, Anonymous. The most horrible thing is that domestic abusers really don’t give a crap about the law … they don’t feel bound by it at all. Their law is determined by whatever they feel they want and are ‘entitled to’.
So I definitely understand why you choose not to see your son, although he’s so close.
I wish I had a magic solution for you, but all I can really do is wish the time to pass quickly until you can properly be together again and that the reunion isn’t too fraught with misunderstandings xxooxx
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Thank you Loop xo
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