Em Rusciano Thursday 10 May 2012 9:20am

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30 things before 30. How many can you tick off the list?

BY EM RUSCIANO

So I saw that Glamour magazine in the US has published a list of “30 things every woman should have and should know by the time she’s 30.”

Instantly I was interested, I had a burning desire to know if I had satisfied the lists requirements. Deep down I knew I was probably headed for crushing failure and a loss of purpose in my life but I HAD TO SEE!

I thought I’d go through the list one by one with you all. My answers will be underneath, I encourage you to do the same. It’s quite a cathartic/depressing/empowering experience.

By 30, you should have…

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.

I had an amazing boyfriend in grade 3 named Jay, he and I would talk about Punky Brewster and how much we loved NKOTB. He was the only one who could braid my hair so I had no stickyuppy bits and he loved musicals all most as much as I did- how I loved Jay… (SHUT UP, HE WAS NOT GAY, NOT THEN.)

My first love. Broke my heart. Cheated on me with my friend. Still hurts to type. He still lives with his parents at 33 years of age and is single. Nuff said.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

Define “decent”, Glamour magazine?? Do you mean one that doesn’t have Weetbix welded to it or unidentifiable odours? I have 2 kids and a dog, I’m pretty sure no one at your office would deem any of it decent…

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

I’d have to dig it out of the “clean washing mountain” iron it and pop a brooch on the stain but I think I have this one covered. Clothes I can do.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

I have a gold Lamé coin purse that belonged to my Nanna a suitcase that my Dad emigrated with and an umbrella with a peacock head so I think we all agree, I ACED this item!

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

Nope. Still hanging on to that one. This item may have to go on the  ”60 things every woman should have and should know by the time she’s 60″ list.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

I work in the entertainment industry. This I have covered and then some… (Insert Maniacal laugh)

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.

This one makes me feel anxious right across the board. They don’t really know if I will grow old and I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT SUPERANNUATION NOW OK. I don’t want to feel guilty about that until I am at least 40.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account – all of which nobody has access to but you.

CHECK! I also have 2 secret credit cards so I feel I’ve earned bonus points here.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.

The last time I needed a resume I was trying to get a job at La Porchetta, I may or may not have said I had waiting experience at my Parent’s cafe when I didn’t really.. My parents have never owned a cafe. Never. Not once.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

I have plenty of friends who make me laugh, truth be told I don’t like to cry in front of anyone so not many of them can attest to having seen that.. Except of course for those times on reality TV when that’s ALL I APPARENTLY DID. (When on Aus. Idol the producers chose to show my “softer side” – A LOT.)

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

KINKY!

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

I have eleventy thousand of this one…

13. The belief that you deserve it.

Deserve what? WHAT?!

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

I have no plan. I have no regimen or routines. I am screwed here.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

Shut up. If you say yes to this one I hate you. I don’t, but you know… Sheesh.

By 30, you should know…

 
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

I’ve been in the same relationship for 11 years. Do I need to go on here?

2. How you feel about having kids.

Done and done. I pumped my 2 out in my early 20′s- WINNER!

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

I have only quit one job and I told everyone to get f%cked when I left so I’ve got that one down! I don’t even remember the last time I broke up with anyone, my Dad got rid of a few for me. I’ve had to confront a couple friends on their shit behaviour, 2 worked out well 1 still won’t speak to me… Half a point there?

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

I always try hard. I am a try hard. I have not mastered the art of walking away, I one day hope to. I really do.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

Yep. Peck – Stop. Anything involving tongue – Go.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

FAIL. I am now on a mission to find out my Great Grandmothers’ names.. I know one’s name was Lillian Pearl and the other we called Mama Nelson but on my Italian side I’ve got no clue. If something needs tailoring I don’t buy it and I’m substituting secretary of state with Governor general and I know that is the fabulous Quentin Bryce.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

Oh how I dream of this one…

8. Where to go – be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat – when your soul needs soothing.

Red wine.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

Heels, Spanx and therapy says otherwise Glamour magazine.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

I’ve blocked a lot of it out so I get this one on default.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

I often do things for free when I should charge for it and regularly get taken advantage of by those I love, FAIL.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

I don’t floss. I know I should and I feel guilty about it every time I brush my teeth… I know I should floss. I’m totally going to stat flossing. I am, I am! I won’t…

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

This has been a recent epiphany for me. I now apply the “who would I call if my dog died” filter to my friends when it comes to the issue of trust and care.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

Dude, I’ve known this one since I was 5.

15. Why they say life begins at 30

Mine began the day I discovered Game of Thrones but you know, a lid for every pot!

So I got 16/30, how did you do?

I have barely passed my 30′s it would seem.

Obviously I found this list superficial and not in a fun “Carrie Bradshaw is buying another pair of shoes even though she can’t afford to eat” way. I appreciate the sentiment but found the execution patronising and archaic. It really has very little reflective value for its readers, which I think is the purpose of these types of exercises. Also, women should aspire to more than a cordless drill and a black lacy bra.

Ironically, they probably should aspire to more than confirmation they’re doing ok from a list!

Em Rusciano appears on Network Ten’s ‘The Project’, she also  regularly hosts The Circle. You should follow her on Twitter here (she is Mamamia’s official The Voice tweeter) and read her blog here. No really you should

What did you score on the list?