The terror of having first time sex SOBER.

Being single and the amount of alcohol I consume are directly related. If they weren’t, there would be absolutely NO chance of me ever meeting a potential partner, or just sleeping with anyone, ever again.

If it weren’t for alcohol, we’d all be sex-deprived, possible virgins, with no courage to swipe right or respond to a pick-up line. (I do note, this is a bold, sweeping statement, based only on my observations of Sydney nightlife ~science).

That’s why, when I read about one brave woman who had given up alcohol (that’s brave in itself), I completely understood her absolute terror at the thought of having sex sans-tequila.

Why? (If you’re also single, you wouldn’t be asking this, and possibly don’t need to read on).

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Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. It relaxes you the same way sedatives, hypnotics and anaesthesia agents work. According to a study published in the Journal of Psychiatry Neuroscience, this leads to feelings of “euphoria or disinhibition” – both feelings, you’ll agree, that are unarguably helpful when it comes to hooking up with that cute individual from across the bar.

Disinhibition is right. When you’re two gins into the night, you have no inhibitions about laughing, dancing and being just all-round awesome at conversation and intellect (alcohol is also linked to heightened confidence, have you guessed?). And this new, sexy ‘you’ is likely to have zero qualms about taking that cute individual home (cuteness is key), compared to the ‘you’ that was stressed about coming in the first place, and anxious about the crowd.

That’s where the lovely expression “beer goggles” comes from.

Six women share the horrifying times that sex didn’t go to plan. Post continues below video.

There is a tipping point though. And that’s where alcohol and hooking up becomes dangerous.

“As the concentration of ethanol in the blood increases, motor function is impaired and speech becomes slurred,” the study states. “With blood alcohol concentrations between 200 mg/dL and 300 mg/dL (i.e., between 43 mmol/L and 65 mmol/L), vomiting can occur and the subject can fall into a stupor.”

Our body goes from being completely relaxed, to being in danger. This is when the idea of a one-night stand moves from I’m-going-to-have-sex-tonight-because-I-want-to-get-my-rocks-off (and then dream about how I am going to marry this person) to a situation that is risky and unsafe.

It’s also why the woman who has quit alcohol – but refusing to give up sex – is an inspiration.

She is smart. Too many men have taken advantage of women in a vulnerable, drunken state. Too many women have been in terrible situations, also in a vulnerable, drunken state. These are circumstances that might not have occurred if it wasn’t for depressed CNS systems, and rising ethanol concentrations. Putting yourself out there sexually is risky; you don’t know the situation, you might not know the person. And, while we shouldn’t be scared of having sex or wanting to have sex, there’s definitely a case for staying sober throughout the process.

She is smart, but she is also brave. And this makes me sad.

She is brave because, the same way alcohol relaxes, sheds inhibitions and boosts confidence, it also makes us more comfortable in our own skin. We are more likely to feel sexy, and less self-conscious, when having sex after alcohol. Similar to the way our dance moves become (seem) better after champagne, our bedroom moves become (seem) completely out-of-this-world after the right amount of alcohol. (Until the next morning, that is.)

We are also less likely to shy away from intimacy when we’ve been drinking. The Tinder-age of random hook-ups means we can have casual sex, almost on demand, at the push of a button. But, despite what we might think, this culture doesn’t change the fact that sex is intimate and (thoughts of marriage aside) letting someone touch, feel, explore your body is – by definition – an intimate experience. Alcohol frees us to accept this, it takes away our inhibitions and allows us to almost sever the connection between physical intimacy and emotional connection. It’s not necessary to have known the partner for a long time, your future together and his or her compatibility as a companion, is not relevant. This is especially true when alcohol is involved, as it helps with that severance between physical pleasure and emotional satisfaction.

There is also this potent truism, observed by a study into alcohol and the modern-day hookup culture.

“Alcohol may also serve as an excuse, purposely consumed as a strategy to protect the self from having to justify hook-up behaviour later,” the report states.

It’s a security blanket. A funny story. Alcohol means the type of sex you had, and with whom, is somehow more ‘acceptable’.

This is why I’m sad.

There shouldn’t need to be an ‘excuse’ for having sex, and ideally we should be able to feel intimate and free without a social lubricant of gin or (and?) vodka. Alcohol should not be the gateway to feeling more sexy (or lovable). You shouldn’t need to hide behind the “I’ve-had-a-few-drinks” to approach that cute individual from across the bar. You shouldn’t need to use alcohol as a ‘justification’ for when you want to take him home. You shouldn’t need to be hungover the next morning as an ‘excuse’ for the fact you wanted to sleep with that individual in the first place.

Regardless if it’s with a friend, colleague, stranger, or Tinder date, making the decision to have sex can be liberating.

Making this decision sober can be empowering.

You’re doing it because you want to, and there is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to own that.

(Sex would also, arguably, be more enjoyable sober… I don’t know about you, but drunk sex can be awfully disappointing – and sloppy)…

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