"My manager made sexually explicit remarks to me, and I don't know what to do."

On this week’s episode of Mamamia Out Loud, Mia Freedman, Holly Wainwright and I were faced with a confronting listener question that initially left us stumped.

Hi Mia, Jessie and Holly,

I am a long time listener to the podcast and love the way you address topical issues with humour, passion and class.

I have a listener question that is something that I think many women might have had to face and would love to get your advice on this.

The company I work with has recently moved to a new office. Last week at Friday night drinks I was with a manager from my company talking to one of the managers from our parent company. We had all had a few drinks and were chatting when the conversation turned to my age. When I told the manager of the parent company that I was 21 he looked at me and said: “21, that’s the age for sucking dick.” He then turned to the other manager and said: “she probably gets into the office late because she has been out sucking so much dick.” When the other manager didn’t say anything he continued on his crude talk saying that maybe he (the other manager) also needed to suck some dick and “would you like me to rub my ballsack on your face.”

At the time, I was really shocked and didn’t know what to do or say, so I stayed quiet. After the conversation changed I removed myself from the group. Before I ask you my question I want you to know that I work in a predominately male industry. This was the first time I had met this man so possibly he was joking and I just didn’t find it funny or get his humour.

However, over the last few days, I have been thinking about what he said and it makes me really uncomfortable. The manager in my business who was there hasn’t said anything to me about the incident, but I don’t know if I should go to HR.

As I said, I am only 21 and just starting out not only my career but also in the first weeks at this new company. I am worried that if I say anything then if people were to find out, because of the ‘bro code’ that exists in my industry, rather than him looking bad I will be looked at as the sensitive young female who is making a big deal about nothing. This early on I do not want to draw attention to myself and I don’t want my coworkers to think I am dramatic or sensitive. However, the entire situation has left my skin crawling.

So do you think I need to report the incident to HR?

Sincerely, Franca* (not her real name). 

LISTEN: Holly Wainwright, Mia Freedman, HR Advisor Nicolle Stuart and I, answer Franca's question on this week's episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below. 

Firstly, Franca, you are right to feel shocked and uncomfortable with what this man said to you. It would be completely unacceptable in a social context, let alone within a work one.

What he said wasn't funny - I can assure you of that. You didn't misinterpret what you heard, and you're not being too sensitive. Unfortunately, I'd hazard a guess that your parent manager said this to you because he felt he could get away with it. You're a young female working in a male dominated industry. It's not an accident that it was you he picked on.

For all we know, he could have been doing this for years. He would assume that you're not going to tell anyone, and the complacency of your manager suggests that this is a) normal behaviour for him and b) normal behaviour within the company.

This is worrying.

I can completely understand your hesitation to go to HR so early on in your career, but this complaint will not make you look dramatic or sensitive. It will make you look brave.

I, of course, do not work in HR and am not an expert. So, Holly, Mia and I spoke to Mamamia HR Advisor Nicolle Stuart, to determine the best course of action.

"It's sexual harassment, it's completely unacceptable," Stuart said. She advised that Franca either go to a senior colleague she feels comfortable confiding in, or straight to HR, and also suggested she do it in person initially.

But before making a decision Stuart said, "she has to ask herself, what does she want the outcome to be? Does she want to stay there and build her career? Or does she think, 'I might be leaving soon, this isn't the place for me.'" If a complaint is formal, Stuart explained, and as serious as this one, often the parties have to be identified.

Without knowing the context, or any details about the man in question, Stuart said that what he has done is illegal, and depending on his track record, he could lose his job.

The biggest lesson here, according to Stuart, is, "Even if you are out of the office at work drinks, and the company's not even paying for them, you're still a representative of the company...  and I think a lot of people make that mistake. You know it's five o'clock on a Friday, I'm clocked out, I'm going to go for a drink with 10 of my colleagues and what we discuss here doesn't matter on Monday, but it does."

Sometimes the best course of action is also the toughest. And know that by going to HR, you're not just sticking up for yourself, but for the future woman who decide to work for this company.

The only way men like this will ever learn, is if they're reprimanded for it. And that can start with you.

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, where we discuss sex on a plane, the Schapelle Corby media frenzy, Margaret Court's bizarre comments and whether buff bods are bad for men.