A How-To Guide: Sex when you're a newly single parent.

A divorced woman’s step-by-step guide to getting back on the sex train. All aboard.

Picture this. You split up with your husband over a year ago. You weren’t really having sex in the lead up to this. Actually, I reckon you probably didn’t have sex for about 4 months before he left. So in actuality, its been 17 months since you’ve had sex. It’s time. Oh, boy is it TIME.

Re-entering the world of sex (pun intended) after kids, is plagued with insecurities for all women. For the single Mum, our insecurities reach epic proportions.

The thought of being naked in front of someone new, for the first time in 10 years, is terrifying. When you are naked in front of the father of your children, they have seen the gradual changes of motherhood taking place on your body. The stretch marks. The saggy boobs. They didn’t eventuate overnight. And your body went through this, to make a child together.

So now someone who hasn’t been on this journey with you is going to see all of those jiggly bits. And the horror of all horrors, they are going to experience sex with someone who has given birth to two, almost 9 pound babies, vaginally.

Why am I mentioning this?

I live in fear that I have a fat vagina. Yes, I said that.

I worry that having sex with me is like throwing a sausage up a hallway. And the hallway had reno’s done by the original owner, which didn’t add to the value of the house.

And to my married/partnered sisters, I know that some of you worry about this too. But at least your house isn’t up for sale.

On top of the insecurities we have, there is also the logistics to factor in. Where do you meet someone to have sex with?

There is a common misconception that women can “pull” whenever they feel like it. I beg to differ. In my experience, when you psych yourself up to brave the naked/fat vagina issue and go into search and destroy mode, you just can’t get lucky. It’s like you send out to the universe some desperate vibe, and end up going home with a kebab.

Unless of course, you are prepared to enter the world of social media to hook up. There is Tinder and Badoo (which apparently is the new Tinder and I only just heard about Tinder so I’m clearly behind the 8 ball already). If you are game enough to embrace the Tinders and Badoos of the world, then I am going to give you a few tips. Expect dick pics as an introductory message and DTF means, Down to Fuck. Also you will have to list your age, height and body type in your profile. Oh, and there is no “I have had 2 kids” option to select.

Moving on. Let’s assume that I have found someone who I want to get down and dirty with. Obviously my kids are elsewhere for the evening (Thanks Mum). But do you really want to bring someone who you have just met, back to your childrens’ home?

Having a stranger walk through the toy ridden lounge room, with your kids pictures on the wall, to get to your bedroom, is not something that I am comfortable with.

Alternatively, I could go to his house. But now that I am a proper grown up with responsibilities and two little people who rely on me, I head into stranger danger mentality. I don’t know where I am, or the person that I am with. This never crossed my mind when I was in my 20’s. Or maybe it did and I just didn’t care?

Anyway, back to me and my new potential lover. We have got this far and we have to have that talk. You know the one, the one we all hate. Condoms. And I say condoms because the biggest fear these days is pregnancy and not STDs.

Most guys are happy to forge ahead if you say you are on the pill, or have an IUD. Guys, you are relying on the honesty of a stranger. But in actuality I think you are quite safe in trusting the word of a Single Mum. We aren’t going to set you up to have a baby and collect your hard earned cash. Because quite frankly, we are raising kids on own already and we don’t want to make life harder on ourselves.

And now it’s time to get down to business. You have to face that last hurdle. Performance anxiety. It’s been 10 years since you slept with someone new. You knew what your ex loved and how to turn him on. You are facing unchartered territory here. What if I really am shit in bed like my ex told me once during an argument about lack of orgasms? I guess I’ll have to apply the age old adage that any sex is better than no sex. And according to my ex, there is no such thing as bad head.

Hopefully it will be a great experience. And there will be orgasms a plenty, from an attentive and appreciative lover.

To the Single Mums that are getting on that bike again, I salute you. May your hallway be reclaimed and given a new coat of paint.