I slept with three different men within three months after separating from my husband. Am I proud of this fact? No I’m not. Would I do it over again if I could? Yes, I would and here’s why.
1. I was in a loveless marriage for a long time.
And since I didn’t love my husband I never wanted to have sex with him. I would do it, however, just to get him off my back (no pun intended) so he would stop pestering me. The sex sucked. I would lie there as he’s pounding away thinking of all the housework I needed to get done, what I needed to do at work the next day and go over things I needed to get at the supermarket.
All I could think was “please cum and get this over with so I can get back to my day.” Now some of you may think I should have tried more, and I did. I told him more times than I can count that in order for me to be sexually stimulated, I needed to first be mentally stimulated. These were my asks: compliment me, tell me I’m pretty once in a while like you used to. Write me a hand written note like you used to. (A sticky note would even do the trick). Have a deep, meaningful conversation with me, one that I can tell you are generally interested in what I have to say. Rub my back and not expect anything after. I wasn’t asking for much in my opinion, but even going to counselling couldn’t get him to do these things. The most ironic thing: nothing I asked for cost a cent. Not one cent!
2. I thought for many years that I had lost my sex drive.
I figured that since I hit 40 it must just be par for the course. Well, after having sex with someone after only being with my husband for nine years I soon realised that was not the case at all. I hadn’t lost my sex drive; I just never wanted to f*ck my husband!
3. The first man I slept with liberated me.
Since my ex had been having an affair the last year and a half of our marriage, my little rendezvous felt like a big fat “f*ck you” to my cheating ex-husband. It was as if I was a bratty kid sticking my tongue out at someone on the playground. Two can play at this game, buddy. Childish? Yes, but at the time, I was still raw from recently learning about his affair. I was not in a good place mentally.
4. It felt good to be wanted and I needed that.
The third and final man I slept with had a lot of issues that I chose not to see at the time. Narcissist is at the top of the list. However, the sex with this man was hot! It was the kind of wild, freaky sex that I don’t think many people have after being married for so long. I felt sexy, I felt free and I felt liberated to wave my freak flag in the sack. I didn’t feel like a 42-year-old divorcee with a five-year-old. I felt like a sexy diva who liked to get down and dirty. And that felt good!
It’s been eight LONG months since I’ve had sex, and I discovered during my ho-bag phase, that for me, I can’t have casual sex. I get too emotionally attached. So, as part of my own healing I have stayed away from men and dating, and I decided to date myself. At least, I know I still got it and when I am ready to get out there again, this mama will be ready to let loose and wave my freak flag once again.
This post originally appeared on Divorced Moms.