I don’t often write about my Mum even though I think she is wonderful. She raised three kids and worked full-time and cooked lovely dinners and made us laugh. She’s very funny and witty, but she also doesn’t take any prisoners.
I know I’m really lucky with parents. Apart from the fact I’ve had the most secure and loving childhood (my parents still live in the house I was born in), they are both fit, healthy and active retirees. In between golf and yoga (yes, Dad does yoga now) and travelling and nights out with their friends they still have cups of coffee together.
After 54 years of marriage I have no idea what they are still talking about. Mum has always been able to break things down to their bare essentials.
When I told my mum – no doubt complaining and frothing at the injustice of my situation - about the situation I put myself into, I could tell she couldn’t comprehend. Not the stress I was in, but why I simply didn’t say no.
“Why didn’t you say, ‘Sorry that doesn’t suit me’?” she asked (over the phone as we live in different States).
Oh Mum … she doesn’t get it.
Or maybe she does and I’m the one who needs to get with the program.
My Mum has always been careful to not interfere too much and respect the way I want to bring up my kids.
It sounds simple: “Sorry that doesn’t suit me”.
Could you say it next time you’re asked to do something you really don’t want to do?
Jackie xx
Quicky News Headlines: Thursday April 25th 2024
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Yep did it today for the first time, I'm aged in my late 40s.
Previously, I didn't say no. I just gave people the reasons why their request would be hard for me to meet and they withdrew it. I learnt this technique from the book, The Godfather.
On the other hand it's good to accrue friendship debts. (The Godfather said this too! )
Thinking about it now, I think it was a mistake to read The Godfather when I was 12. . . . He may not have been the best role model.
I don't think it's something you just 'grow out of', I think it's something you have to actively change about yourself. You have to make a conscious decision to change your behaviour, something I'm working on myself. I think that getting older does mean I am less worried about saying no to things I don't want to do, but it's still tough!
I was born helping others, and though it sometime created a hassle for me, it was a pleasure most of the time. However, as I got older I became aware of those who assumed I would say yes. That was when I decided to only help anyone if it fit in with my plans or was something I REALLY wanted to do. I told my dear friends to by all means ask, but don't presume and they were fine with it. All admitted to having the same problem. I found the best way to deal, was to never answer immediately. Look, I'll have to get back you. The majority were time limited because of poor planning or an emergency. They usually said, thanks I try ... If they were happy for an answer I would decide yes or no and then phone them within a couple of hours so they continue to plan or find someone else.
'I'll get back to you' is a good one, it can give you time to think about how to say no - that's my biggest problem, trying to find a 'reason' to say no. Sometimes just no feels rude.