We open with Bachie Wood doing some serious beach thinking at sunrise, because this is going to be a VERY SERIOUS episode you guys. Then there’s some serious topless shaving. Then some more serious thinking.
Wow. So… The producers really want us to think that Bachie Wood is thinking a lot about this and that he definitely isn’t already in love with Lana and her bilingual vagina. Noted.
And we are getting straight down to it tonight! No funny business, no casual shots of the girls just being casual in the Girl Prison. We are running headfirst into ‘Home-Towns’. And we all know why: There is not time, and ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY, to waste.
Heather’s Home Date:
They go to some park in Brisbane where Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather talks about her awful childhood. She has no family to take him home to, so she’s taking Bachie Wood to see her best friend and a horse farmer man who helped her out as a kid. Waaaaaaah this is probably the most genuine I’ve ever seen TLBCG Heather be and now I feel bad that she’s been clit-blocked and friendzoned for the more polished, bilingual version of herself. BOOOOOOOO BACHIE WOOD. BOOOOO.
Okay so the father figure that TLBCG Heather introduces Bachie to is called Warwick, and can I just say, this show would have been infinitely better if Warwick had been The Bachelor this year. He is like the perfect cartoon version of an Aussie farmer and I love him and I just want him to have his own show where he sits on a porch and drops Aussie slang like “I’d be stoked to spend sparrow’s fart with a sheila and some billy tea.”
He’s also not taking any of Bachie Wood’s shit, and it’s PERFECTION. Bachie is not even close to being on his glorious level. “Why do you call Heather ‘half-pint?'” Bachie Wood asks. Warwick just gives him a look that says ‘Why the fuck do you think?’ and responds with, “Cos she used to be small. Can’t change her name just cos she grew.”
The three of them go inside and Warwick just keeps dropping wisdom bombs left, right and centre and it is truly fucking brilliant.
“If you don’t push yourself, you don’t know what you’ll be capable of.”
“There are lessons to be learned, but they won’t be obvious.”
“A comfort zone is just a prison of our own making.”
“Until you break free, you don’t know where the boundaries are.”
“So many people just wanna be copies of someone else.”
OH MY GOD HE’S LIKE A BOGAN OPRAH AND I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. #WARWICKFORPM
They talk some more. Bogan Oprah Warwick grills Bachie Wood in the most perfect, insightful, Oprah-esqe way. He says some lovely, insightful, Oprah-esq things to TLBCG Heather. He pretty much needs his own show and I’d pay a lot of money to have him sort my life out and that’s all I’m going to say about it. HEART WARWICK ALWAYS.
Lana’s Home Date:
Ugh obviously they go on a boat and just kiss a lot and he talks about how much he wants to be with her forever and ever and she takes the balls he gave her and shows him that she’s put them on a gold chain and wears them around her neck with a bell so that whenever she shakes them he knows that she needs something and he should come running immediately to prove his love.
And of course she lives in a massive beautiful mansion with a beautiful perfect family that all matches her beautiful perfect hair and now I’m getting very protective of Heather and maybe I should track down Nina and join that Anti-Intruders Movement and WHY AM I HAVING GENUINE FEELINGS ABOUT LANA ‘STEALING’ HEATHER’S MAN? WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ME SOMEONE PLS SEND HELP I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.
Lana’s mum takes Bachie Wood to her Magic Sex Couch in the basement. Does the obligatory ‘what are your intentions’ grilling speech blah blah nothing blah. She keeps trying to get him to say that he’ll consider moving to NSW, which he will not do because he’s made it pretty clear from he start that he expects whichever girl he chooses to come to him. Although Lana does own his balls now so who know what the fuck is happening anymore.
Sarah’s Home Date:
Oh my freaking glob these two are just so blah together I think I just need to concentrate on this stylish yet powerful NISSAN for a while:
What NISSAN a nice NISSAN car with so NISSAN many incredible NISSAN features. Would someone just give me a NISSAN already? Oh wait – THEY FUCKING DID.
Hold on, it looks like something mildly interesting is happening between Beige 1 and Beige 2. I mean Bachie Wood and Sarah. She reminds him that she’s a career woman (we know this because of all those shots of her walking around the city with a laptop at the start of the season), and that she doesn’t want to have kids for a while. Oh my, could this be an exciting thing bit of tension?!?
Of course not. This is Beige 1 and Beige 2. Bachie Wood doesn’t mind waiting for kids. And so the beige continues.
We head over to her beige house and her beige family (and a sister called Rosie! REPRESENT). Obligatory grilling of Bachie Wood in a perfectly manicured herb garden:
Wowsers. Maybe Channel Ten should ask this family for a loan. Promise them a night with Osher or something and LOCK DOWN SOME $$$$$.
Parmigiana’s Home Date:
Well, obviously this entire home-release from the Girl Prison is about Bachie Wood meeting Parmigiana’s little daughter Chicken. Except Parmie keeps insisting on calling her ‘Eve’ which, quite frankly, I don’t appreciate.
Okay. So when Parmigiana sees Chicken for the first time it’s actually pretty fucking cute:
That really drives home the fact that Parmie has been locked in a freaking GIRL PRISON for 8 WHOLE WEEKS, only able to talk to little Chicky by phone, all so she can date a guy who now can’t decide between her and 3 other girls. WORTH IT.
Bachie Wood just stands there in disbelief, finally grasping the concept that an actual human child once came out of Parmigiana’s special place, grew taller over several years and is now right in front of him.:
And next, in an idea that definitely came from 9-year-old Chicken and not some desperate producer, she pulls him aside to ask him some questions about her mum and life in general:
When asked what she thinks of him, she pretty much says the most accurate thing any woman has ever said about any Bachelor on this show:
They go to visit the rest of Parmigiana’s family and Bachie Wood gets the obligatory grilling. Parmigiana’s brother reminds him that little Chicken is an actual human who exists. Bachie Wood starts to realise that Parmigiana has a daughter. Clearly freaks. Parmie’s sister tries to politely explain to her the absolute creepiness of the situation she’s in. You know, cos her boyfriend is dating MULTIPLE OTHER WOMEN. Parmigiana seems confused as to why her sister is doubting the whole thing. BEING LOCKED IN THE GIRL PRISON HAS MESSED WITH HER BRAIN.
Rose Ceremony Time!
No cocktail party tonight. This is too serious. Bachie Wood needs to sit and think and look at pictures of the girls on an iPad while sighing a lot.
ERMERGERD OSHIE’S HAIR IS HERE AND I DIDN’T EVEN REALISE HOW MUCH I MISSED IT UNTIL IT ARRIVED.
Don’t ever make us wait until the end of an episode again. BUDGETS BE DAMNED, CHANNEL TEN! Osher ALWAYS needs to make at least several appearances per episode. NON. NEGOTIABLE.
Okay. The escalating orchestra music is telling us this is the most serious part of a very serious episode. Bachie Wood must send one girl home, and that girl is obviously TLBCG Heather since the beers on the table last night were an obvious signed that she had been friendzoned in favour of her 2.0 version, Lana.
It’s Heather. OBVS.
Oh, sweet pea. There’s a saying in the 2008 cinematic masterpiece Tropic Thunder: “Never go full retard.” The same could be said for playing the ‘Cool Friend’: “Never go full friend.” You pushed the line just a tad too far, and then Lana swooped in and stole his balls right from under you. I’ve been clit-blocked many a time, but that was pretty fucking brutal to watch.
But you know what? You’ve got freaking WARWICK. And with an Aussie Bogan Oprah in your life, you will definitely bounce back from this. I can only DREAM of the wisdom bombs he’ll be dropping all over your shit when you see him next.