Oh my gosh, you guys. This is it. We’re at the end.
Tim has had 13 weeks to do a LOT of serious shirtless beach thinking, and he’s narrowed the number of women he’s forcing to compete for his muscles down to two. Two.
Will he choose Anna, the lawyer from Sydney whose lipstick keeps her brain from falling out? Or will he choose Rochelle, the model from Perth who has a horrific and unforgivable beauty pageant past? Or will he decide that he actually kind of digs this competitive polygamy thing and keep them both?
Let’s find out.
Ooohhhh. We’re in Thailand. We know this because there’s lots of shots of totally authentic Thai things – monkeys eating fruit, elephants, misty mountains etc.
Obviously the final beach thinking shot needed to be at a premium because we open on a resort that has a pool that looks over the ocean. Double water = double thinking. Tim stands and contemplates life in quite a few places that show off the extensive facilities in his room.
He reminds us several times that there are two girls left etc etc he can only choose one blah blah blah. It doesn’t seem like Osher is here but maybe he left some notes for Tim to follow?
Nope. But Osher did send Tim’s family over to help him through this difficult time. We’ve got what looks like a Mum, Dad, sister and brother. They all sit down to lunch and Tim explains that the girls are different because they have different jobs. Well, to be fair Timmy, they also have different coloured hair.
Tim’s mum helpfully points out that she’s Tim’s mum: “I’m a mum. Tim’s mum,” she says. Wow, ok. Maybe she only does her best thinking by the ocean too.
Rochelle is going to meet the fam. But first, a little Rochelle package. More Thailand shots. Palm trees etc. Did I mention we’re in Thailand? Monkeys.
It looks like Rochelle may have finally figured out how this whole thing works: “I think that there’s one of us that he really likes, and one of us that he’s like, ‘oh my gosh I could be with you for the rest of my life.’”
Rochelle is really nervous to meet the parents. And rightfully so – will they bring up her pageant past? “I could potentially lose him if I don’t do a good job today.”
That’s a healthy way to start a relationship.
Tim’s dad obviously has the brains in the family when he meets Rochelle and decides that “Tim is definitely punching above his weight.”
Uh oh. Rochelle is talking too much. Tim looks confused. What is all this talking without cue cards? Why isn’t everyone paying attention to my muscles? Why isn’t Rochelle apologising to me for not doing feelings the way I like?
Maybe mummy can fix things. She’s a psychologist. Which totally explains why she thinks it’s healthy for 25 women to compete for one man in a harsher real-life version of Big Love.
GASP! Stormy weather = DRAMAAAAAAA. This does not bode well for Rochelle.
“Are you in love with my son?”
NOT ENOUGH ROCHELLE.
“She’s just not giving me enough,” says mum.
By ‘enough’ she clearly means “why aren’t you admitting to the fact you’re a liar who lied to my son about your dark pageant past?”
Next up is Anna.
She gives him butterflies. He’s smiling like a goof.
Um, it kind of feels like she’s won this thing, who’s with me?
Tim goes to meet Anna, who is doing some serious thinking on a bridge. A bridge in THAILAND, you guys. She says she’s going to admit her feelings TODAY. Booooo. I like the Anna who makes Tim chase her.
She meets the parents and it’s immediately clear they like girlfriend number 2 much better. Awww sweet – the little brother has some lines. And now Dad is telling a really funny/interesting anecdote about Tim’s childhood: “He was always like ‘C’mon guys, let’s do everything!’ And we would say ‘ahhh okay.’” Nailed it.
It’s Anna’s turn to get probed by the psychologist mama. She demands to know why Anna has not brought many guys home in her life. A strange question, but then again, her son has just been dating 25 women at once, so who knows how many husbands Mum has tucked away at home?
Anna cries when she says that she loves Tim. Tim’s mum looks like she may cry too. Well played, girl. You have WON THIS SHIT.
Anna is such a skilled player: Despite giving identical answers, Mum decides that Rochelle is too guarded, whereas Anna is really serious about her son. Was it the tears that did it? Has Ali passed on some kind of secret spell?
Anna tells Tim she is really “honoured” that he “allowed” her to meet his family. Girl is losing her awesome ‘I’m choosing you’ no bullshit approach by the second. But it appears to be working – Tim is clearly head over heels.
Now to solve this pesky ‘Rochelle problem’.
Just before going to bed, Tim tells us he still hasn’t decided where his heart lies. If only Osher was here to tell him it’s in his chest. Oh, and also with Anna WHO IS CLEARLY THE WINNER YOU LIAR.
It’s final date day!
Tim sneaks out of Anna’s room so he can go and meet her at a random, picturesque Thai location. “As per usual, Tim kept me in the dark,” she says. Just like last night in your bedroom, amiright? WINK WINK SEX WINK.
Tim blindfolds her and takes her to a magic Thailand boat. “This is what it would feel like to be on a honeymoon with Tim.” She’s losing it. The only sensible woman in the competition is losing it. Unless… Ali? Is that you? Have you pulled the ultimate switcheroo?
Thailand shots Thailand shots love love etc.
They have a picnic on the beach where Tim gets to show some of his Bachelor-esq ‘expertise in everything’ for the last time, by hacking into a coconut. He uses one of the jus incident-avoiding cue cards to keep the conversation going: If you were stranded on an island, what three things would you bring?
Lots of: I’d bring you/I’d bring you too/awwww/gush/can we just say I’ve won already gush boo awww.
Tim also says he’d bring his barbeque tools. But doesn’t mention his barbeque. So good luck to them.
Tim tells us in a private cutaway that the day is just magical and he could not imagine being there with anyone else. Um, like Rochelle maybe? Remember that chick?
Romance romance words words romance. But, Anna still hasn’t given him the all-important list that explains what she loves about each of the contours in his muscles.
Anna tells the camera that she doesn’t want to say she loves him until “the final moment.”
Girl is smart. Tim is desperate for that L-word. He wants Anna to say she loves him more than Ali wanted the DNA in his pubes.
(Side note: Can’t believe I’ve only just noticed that Anna kind of talks like J’amie. Think of all the missed joke opportunities waaaaaahhh.)
Cut to the evening. Misty Thailand moon because Thailand.
SHUT. UP. Anna has actually made him a list, put each item on cards and put them in a box. Booooo. I liked it when she was sassy and refused to give in to his crap. Now it feels like that whole “I have respect for myself” thing was all just an act. Shame.
Anna cries and giggles because LOVE and Tim can barely hide his elation at finally being offered her big red box. He is quite clearly in love with her but can’t say it out loud because, you know, the ‘Rochelle problem’.
“There is a possibility that he doesn’t love me,” Anna says, with a huge smile on her face. Shut up. They both depart and say something about decisions not being final because of that other girl’s feelings.
It’s time for
that other girl’s Rochelle’s date now, and there’s lots of close-ups of worried faces because even the cameraman knows this thing is over. Quick – put in some more Thailand shots to make this less awkward. Monkies. Misty waterfall. Dragon statues. Forests.
“I think this will be the best date ever,” Tim says TOTALLY CONVINCINGLY.
He gives Rochelle a quick peck, blindfolds her and shoves her on top of an elephant. Their romantic date is shared with the quiet Thai man driving the elephant because not even The Bachelor can pretend to be an expert in that.
Poor elephant dude. Tim has clearly brought him along as a human cock-block and now he has to sit and listen as Rochelle pours her heart out to a man who has already accepted another lady’s big red box.
Thailand Thailand Thailand we are in Thailand.
Rochelle continues to employ her strategy of apologising for everything, including but not limited the Israeli-Palistinian conflict and Kanye West. Tim tells her to relax. “I’m sure things will just happen naturally.”
HA! FOR ME AND ANNA. PSYCH!
They head to a waterfall, and the elephant dude escapes, leaving Tim without a buffer. But hold on…
“There exists an old Thai ritual,” Tim says. “That is usually performed by the woman, to show her devotion to the man.”
Um… Is he trying to score some last minute sexy times?
No. He is devoted to the winner of course. Anna told him the 40 different ways she loves his abs, whereas Rochelle doesn’t do feelings right and she lied about pageants.
All they do is fall back into the water. He grabs her and they make out, because why not live it up during his last days as Australia’s first glorious polygamous king?
Night. I’m getting a little teary at the final appearance of the magic two-seater.
Rochelle tells him that it’s good to know that he feels the same way about her that she feels about him. He looks petrified. She says she loves him and right when he needs them the most, the Channel Ten cue-card writers abandon him.
He mumbles about something about her beautiful ‘facets’ and mechanically rubs her thigh. “It’s great that we’ve been able to spend this time together and go through this journey together,” he says.
Then he kisses her on the forehead. THE FOREHEAD. Can we just end this already?
Okay. We’re here. The final day. The final sunrise. The final serious beach-think/horizon-gazing life contemplation.
Tim spends some time painstakingly shaving away all the facial hair that has been glistening with the germs of 25 women for he last 13 weeks. He uses some brand of razor – I think I may have seen it in 158 ads in the last half hour? Gil – something? He helpfully displays the packaging so that that the camera can see it, but I’m too busy soaking up my last shirtless perv-sesh.
“This is one of the biggest decisions of my life,” he says. “It’s tough. It’s really tough.”
WHERE ARE YOU OSHER? HELP HIM! HELP HIM NOW!
Tim thinks back on his time with Anna. He thinks back on his time with the other one.
The editors out-do themselves with the same kind of dramatic choir music that thunders from the heavens every time Oprah orgasms. Both girls have put on three layers of falsies and Tim has just a bit to much shine in his hair. The time has come.
Our Bachelor takes his place on the sacred podium.
Thailand stuff Thailand stuff monkeys mountains dragon statues.
He’s about to break Rochelle’s – sorry – someone’s heart.
And… suspense faces on people. Who’s coming out from behind the bushes to be rejected…?
Rochelle. It’s Rochelle. Rochelle is the loser.
She looks terrified. Let’s hope he makes it quick.
Oh God. This is awful. Why is he smiling? STOP IT YOU DICK. He’s listing all the things he loves about her. No! She’s smiling now. She thinks she has it. OH GOD STOP LEADING HER ON STOP IIIIIIIT.
“I have to be true to myself,” he says.
She looks in his eyes, full of hope.
“And my heart is leading me somewhere else.”
Her entire body seems to physically drop. She goes into pageant-trained autopilot:
“Yep. Yep. Yep. Ok. Yep. Ok. Yep. Yep.” Is she having a stroke?
“Ok. Thank you. Thank you.”
Oh, no. Please don’t thank him. He just spent 13 weeks forcing you to compete for his muscles. Oh wow. She is ushered straight into a station wagon. No more limos. The dream is over. Not even allowed to go back to her room. HARSH.
Anna’s turn. She clearly knows she’s the one since they’ve timed it so that she arrives as the sun is setting in the background. Oh, and she gave him her big red box.
Tells her he loves her. Cries.
And then: “It feels so, so, so good to finally be able to say it.” HA. JA’CUSE! Poor Rochelle.
“I’ve been waiting for this for so long,” Anna says. Like, 13 weeks you guys.
Oh, and what’s this? A RING? Good old Ben from Bunda must be so pleased right now.
Journey journey journey something something journey. Two bands of platinum represent their journey. So I guess the stone in the middle symbolises the ‘Rochelle problem’?
Kissing kissing kissing. I’m a little disappointed Ali isn’t jumping out of the shadows with a army-grade taser and a couple of fake passports.
“This is just like a fairytale!” gushes Anna, the formerly sensible lawyer from Sydney.
Yeah. Fairytale. That began with you competing against 24 other women and ended with you offering up your big red box.
We end on some CGI’d fireworks, and the promise that this will all return next year.
What am I going to do with my life? Excuse me while I sob in the shower and dream about Season 2.
Missed a recap? Here they all are. As Tim would
read off the cue cards say, “What a journey.”
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