13 signs you watch way too much television.

Is your love for TV a preference or a problem? I always thought mine was a preference – so what if I would rather stay home on Saturday nights binge-watching Seinfield? That’s who I am! TV pride! Human interaction is for suckers! etc etc etc.

Then I had three weeks off work.

Let me tell you something: The amount of television I watched in that time is shocking. SHOCKING.

I didn’t know the human capacity for TV consumption could stretch that far. I didn’t realise that the only thing pulling me away from my TV each day was the fact I needed to come into work so I could make money to pay for the house I watch TV in. When I took work out of the equation, I literally only stopped watching when I was asleep. And even that was against my wishes. I even took a laptop to the toilet and the kitchen so I could keep watching TV when I was away from my TV. It was three weeks of heaven.

But when I winced at the sunlight on my face as I made my way to work on Monday, I realised that maybe I had a problem. So I’ve selflessly devised this list for you so you can spot any problem behaviour in yourself. I’d say if you relate to 6 or more items on the list you probably need to get outside and read a book.

1. You think sleep is for chumps.

Only true champions use the phrase ‘one more episode’ when it’s 3am. Especially if it’s one more episode of a show you’ve seen every episode of already. Twice. You may or may not have managed to get through all seven seasons of The West Wing in two weeks by pushing through your sleep barrier on more than one occasion. And it was the third time you’d watched the show from start to finish.

2. Your moral code says pirating is okay, but spoilers deserve death.

You never forget the trauma that comes with someone telling you about a major TV moment before you’ve actually seen it. You may or may not have cried when you accidently found out King Joffrey had died before you’d watched the episode. You also may have yelled “SPOILER ALERT” at complete strangers when you hear them selfishly having a TV-related conversation in a public place.

3. You can’t get through one conversation without quoting a line from TV.

“That’s what she said.”

4. You can’t hear a single story without relating it to an episode of television.

Not every one of your friends’ anecdotes is like an episode of Seinfeld. You need to settle down and let them finish.

5. You get extremely offended when someone likes a TV show that you think know is crap.

If you have refused to pursue a friendship with someone after finding out they watch The Big Bang Theory, you completely understand.

6. You get extremely offended when someone thinks a show that you like is crap.

You probably shake your head in disbelief and/or talk in caps: “YOU DON’T WATCH GAME OF THRONES?” “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BREAKING BAD?” Also, you may or may not sound like a complete wanker when you tell people they need to drop everything and watch Treme/The Wire/Twin Peaks.

7. Everyone comes to you to talk about their favourite show, because they’re all your favourite show.

If people only seem to talk to you about TV, it’s probably because you only talk about TV.

8. You consider a marathon binge of a show you’ve already seen three times a perfectly acceptable social activity.

You go out on Saturday nights and interact with humans? But how do you watch repeats of Lost?

9. When people ask you how you are, you relate it back to TV as if it is a life you are living.

“So what’s been going on with you?”

“Not much. Except OMG Red and V are in this major fight and Selena just got made President and Shae is being a bitch to Tyrion and Jackie is back on pills and Louie is in love with this chick who can’t speak english.”

Oh yeah, and first-name basis, obviously.

10. After watching the latest ep of something, you go to the online forums to read about what everybody else thinks.

You may or may not have created a fake email so you can tell people they’re dumb for not understanding the last episode of The Sopranos. You also spend hours reading about easter eggs in The Walking Dead. You also know what easter eggs are.

11. When a show you love comes to an end, you grieve like a relative has died.

You may or may not have cried more during the last episode of The Office than you did at your grandma’s funeral. You also think that a year between seasons is a cruel and unusual torture.

12. You promise yourself you’re going to be productive on weekends. But then TV.

You promise yourself on Friday night you’ll just watch a few episodes. Before you know it, it’s 3am on Sunday and you have to get up for work in 4 hours. And you didn’t get any washing done.

13. You don’t understand people who don’t watch television.

What do they sit and look at? Be cautious. Cautious and weary.

Follow @RosieWaterland

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