The perfect example of how NOT to keep a man.

You know sometimes when you’re trying to be funny, and suddenly you’re a viral laughing stock?

Maybe you don’t. But this woman does.

A lady called Elizabeth posted a photo on Twitter of a crappy meal she’d whipped up (two boiled eggs, some macaroni, and a shit-tonne of corn), with the caption “I know how to keep my man”.

I’m assuming she was kidding, because the meal looks like a yellow ticket to a tummy-ache on a Styrofoam plate.

If she was serious, then she’s a) my kind of cook and b) deluded.

Read more: Funny women aren’t attractive. Good to know.

Regardless, social media took her yellow ass DOWN (that’s a direct quote from one commenter. Probably). Kindly strangers took it upon themselves to school Elizabeth in how she should actually be cooking to keep her man.

Because we all know, the only way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Who needs intellect, amirite?

If you Google ‘how to keep a man’, you’ll get three instructions: Cook for him. Blow him. And watch sports.

But I’m here to tell you, ladies. THAT is not how you keep a man. THIS is:

Tie him to a pole with a stickytape. Or glad wrap him to the couch. Or swallow his car keys and nail all the doors and windows shut and cut the telephone line and flush his mobile phone.

That’ll keep him.

(And now, before I get crazy commenters outdoing each other with methods of man-napping and keeping hostages, let me be clear: I’m just kidding. KEEP that in mind.)