You need a date night. Right now.
by MELISSA CHAPMAN
I always thought taking our kids with us, and rarely leaving them with a sitter was proof of what great parents my husband and I were. Rather than leave them to LANGUISH in the care of a virtual stranger, and be relegated to watching TV- while said STRANGER talked on her cell phone, let them pour their own apple juice and get their little hands into the secret stash of chocolate- we were good parents because we’d never allow such a scenario to take place. No- we were those parents who schlepped our kids with us to sushi restaurants, or we simply didn’t go out. We couldn’t bear the thought of leaving them to their own devices, I mean, how could a parent leave their kid with a baby sitter?!
Of course you know at this point that this whole idea of leaving my kids with a babysitter was influenced by my very strange experiences with babysitters as a child– who my parents would leave us with. As soon as my mum waved goodbye- said babysitter would spend the rest of night ignoring us, inviting her boyfriend over and literally sucking his face off on our couch- while my sisters and I sat on our stairs and watched, both enthralled and slightly frightened all at once. Clearly my parents should have done a bit of a background check- but it was the eighties and how could they miss their weekly dancing to the Oldies at the Golden Gate Inn motor lodge with the free buffet and well times were oh so different…
So of course when I had my own kidlets- I made a vow I would be that parent who would never, if I could help it, escape the tedium of parenthood for a night out with my husband, while my charges were left at the whims of a teenager heady with power.
Date night, anyone?
But last night, after an impromptu decision to bring my kids over to my sister’s house- they’re just two more to add to her menagerie of little people roaming around- and I know she will lavish them with attention and love, in between shovelling food into my so-skinny-I-don’t-know-how-he-supports-his-head son- my husband and I dropped them off and then proceeded to drive home under a clear blue sky with the convertible’s top down, like two young lovers.
I know it sounds so sappy and yet- I could not stop BLASTING JOURNEY’s Open Arms, and we talked, and we gazed at each other, and then we went out for dinner by ourselves. There were no mouths to feed, no cranky wails of; I’m hungry, I don’t want any more, my belly hurts, and I’m bored statements to contend with . It was just the two of us- and well it was GLORIOUS. And for that brief moment in time- I felt almost transported back to the summer of 1997, when we first met- and there was so much possibility in the air and excitement. And I realized I need more of these moments in my life and in my marriage.
So readers, I beg of you, I implore you– run don’t walk and get yourselves on a Date Night… NOW!
Melissa writes a blog based on her personal experience of being married to a man 15 years her senior. This blog is an honest look at tales from the marriage hood, kids and a dog. You can find it here.
Do you and your spouse ever go on date nights?
Comments
30 Comments so far
The last time we had a date night was our weekend away when he proposed… That was four years ago
we have three kids and that’s too many for most people to want
To baby sit, and both our parents live three hours away. Miss being a couple rather than mum and dad 24/7, but that’s parenting, right? If I ever get down about it, my mum reminds me that “parenting means giving up being your own person for the next 18 years”. Growing up with ideas like that I always feel guilty complaining.
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I think date night is very important – after all, why did we get married again?? We have 3 children at home and we have an au pair who (only) costs $150-250 a week + food and meals, and they work 35 hours a week. They help with childcare (for that night out – can I even say weekend away!!!), and they also do laundry, cooking, get the children ready for school, school pickup etc. Check out http://www.thebestaupair.com or search “au pair” on google. You just need a spare room in your home. I can’t express how much of a difference it has made to our family!
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I always used to think ‘Date Night’ had to involve going out for dinner but it doesn’t. I make it part of our fortnightly routine at home. The kids get put to bed early, I get dressed up (as if we were going out), we open some wine, light candles, put on music and then cook and chat together. It’s wonderful, and without taxi and babysitting costs. We can really focus on each other and enjoy meaningful conversation without distraction and wondering when on Earth we’ll get another opportunity to get connected. I can’t recommend it enough and there’s no reason you can’t make it happen
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Oh, I soooo agree with this! The most loving thing you can do for your kids is protect their family by keeping your marriage strong! So – date nights are guilt free around here!
Thankfully with family and friends willing to help out we dont usually have to pay for a babysitter but i think swapping a night with a ‘mama friend’ is a perfect idea, would love to try that too.
Dating your husband is such a worthwhile investment and its so good for the kids to see that you are prioritising the marriage relationship too. When there is a will there is a way, so make it happen, somehow! That said, parenting young kids is so exhausting, date nights are often DVD and takeaway at home after kids are in bed, but nothing beats a night out (or night away) kid free!
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Haven’t read the article yet, but
( not a comp to win a baby sitter 
((
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As someone who always ends up minding other peoples kids because we have lots of our own and people think we wont notice 1 or 2 extra, please make sure you return the favour and mind your sisters kids soon
Once you have 3 or more kids the friendly offers to babysit dry up.
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Yep, we do. We are very lucky that we can afford a babysitter, and we go out roughly monthly. We use staff from the boys’ childcare. Win-win as the kids know them, they are well qualified, and they get paid a pittance at work so we can help supplement that.
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You don’t need to go out to have date night. You can make it sensationally special at home & have the correct tools to help you reconnect. I bought a box from http://www.littleblacktable.com.au and my relationship with my husband has improved greatly….
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We have a wedding o go to next month and I am so excited, we havent been out in ages…except it’ll be more like a group date, cause we dont have our own table LOL ..still, very excited!!!
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My hubby and I unfortunately don’t get to have many date nights, as he works very long hours during the week, and i work as a nanny/babysitter, who spends most weekends, caring for other people’s children, while the parents go out.
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I love our date nights & am still so grateful to a friend who suggested a babysitting swap. Once a month my partner stays home with our kids while I go to her house & babysit her kids. They get a nice night out with no rush to get home & then the following fortnight she returns the favour so that my partner & I go out while she watches my kids. We each get a lovely regular date night minus the babysitting fees.
I also have a similar daytime babysitting swap with another friend so that we both get one afternoon a week to do our running around minus the kids. One week I have a crazy afternoon with 4 kids under 5 then the next week I get 4 hours of kid free time to do my running around.
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You’re so lucky you have people whose needs are compatible with your needs and you can do that!
I have friends who go out every Saturday night, so I would never get a chance to call back the favour!
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We are lucky it works so well for us but you do need to be committed to keeping it fair & making it work.
It took a few attempts to get it to work for us but if you have someone happy to attempt it with you it is worth the teething problems. We originally started with 4 familys in the Friday night babysitting swap but 1 only used us to babysit & never returned the favour & the other one was happy to offer to babysit but would then cancel on the day.
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We have family and friends around who can (and do) help with babysitting, but I tend to rely on them more for when we need sitters when there are specialist appointments, therapy appointments, etc (my 2 boys have autism)
What we do for date night, is on a Saturday night, I will cook my hubby a meal, his choice. We eat together when the kids are in bed and watch a movie. The next weekend, he cooks a meal, my choice. Sure, this doesn’t happen every week but when funds are limited to go out, we find this gives a chance to sit and relax together
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That’s a great idea. I find I also use up all my ‘credit’ asking family to look after my other children while I take my special needs child to appointments. Not really a break for anyone but important and necessary. I’m going to try and institute your idea though – a nice way to nurture each other while not being too out of pocket.
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So true! It’s really worth the effort to make time for eachother in all the craziness of raising children. A timely reminder, thanks.
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It just makes the night out so darned expensive though by the time you pay the babysitter…!
We have no family anywhere around us, so babysitters are the only option. Most of the time we use our precious baby sitting credits to go to a work Christmas function or similar… blah!!
I would LOVE a date night – I just wish I had the ability to do it as easily as some other lucky people (just send them to the grandparents who live down the road, etc). I know everyone has their problems, I am just in somewhat of a cranky mood now thinking of exactly how low it has been since a night out (actually I can’t think of ‘exactly’ how long it has been because I’m not even sure there has been a night out in the last 12 months…!).
Ok, rant over.
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I feel your pain – we have the exact same problem – no family and our babysitter (who is very good) is $20 per hour so it basically adds $100 to a night out. We often use it for work functions and when it is just for fun, I find it hard to relax knowing we are ‘on the clock’.
My Mum visits and we get a free night out about once a year.
Looking forward to when oldest is old enough to look after the younger two which is probably more about when youngest is old enough to be left with oldest – still a fair time away given oldest is only 8, youngest is 3 weeks and middling is 4 and very defiant
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Babysitter’s charge that much?? I get $10/hour and I’m happy with that – kids are usually in bed by 7:30-8 and eventually settled by 9 at the latest and I get the rest of my time to do uni work. Asking for any more seems like daylight robbery!
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It’s true, babysitters are expensive, but we sometimes just go out for 2 hours – a quick bite to eat at a local restaurant, so it only adds $40 to the cost of the meal, not too bad..
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I’m lucky to have family who can babysit but once, living away from family was in your situation so I can appreciate your position. Just a suggestion, could you arrange with another friend who’s also a mum to exchange babysitting favours? You babysit her kids one night in exchange for her babysitting yours? I’ve offered this to my friend whose kids are too young to sleep over and she’s offered the same favour to me.
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I love Melissa’s writing. And this post has inspired me to have a date night with my husband. We’ve only been out together alone once since Fin was born in February.
I think I’d like to do a Gold Class movie …. is there anything good showing at the moment? Any movie recommendations???
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Gold class is always our date night choice too! Feeling inspired, but I’m not sure what’s worth seeing either.
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the sapphires is supposed to be good…
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Looper is quite possibly the best movie I’ve seen all year. I went with my boyfriend and his brother, both of who were very keen to see it. The trailer barely does the film justice, the movie shouldn’t even make sense but it does and you will think and discuss it long after it ends!
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See Ruby Sparks. You won’t regret it!
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We saw Moonrise Kingdom a couple of weeks ago, such a gorgeous film!!
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“Like!”
Good on you Melissa. That made me happy just hearing how happy you and your husband were to have time with each other.
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Great post and couldn’t agree more! I have a 7 and 9 y.o.and am lucky to have family everywhere around me so date nights and nights away are very common for my husband and I. I often joke that these things keep us married as it is these times that we have great sex, laugh and don’t talk about the kids!! I know it is a luxury and I know people who would kill for my family support – but I would hire a ‘well recommended’ baby sitter if I had to, in order to get my date nights!
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We have always had date nights since our children were born and they are now nearly 14 and 11. I think the first time we left our son overnight for a date night was when he was four weeks old. Us as a couple have always been a priority and date nights/nights away have always been done without any guilt…I don’t understand why you would feel guilty about investing time into your relationship.
It’s just as important as spending time with your children so start organising time away from them too.
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