Nearly one in three Australian women experience physical violence and almost one in five women are victims of sexual violence. In any one calendar year nearly half a million Australian women experience physical or sexual violence. And at Christmas time it’s worse - last year more than 5000 women in NSW alone reported domestic abuse over the Xmas period! .
Regular Mamamia contributor Nina Funnell explains why:
.
“I had just turned 14 when I was first exposed to domestic violence. It was Christmas Eve and, while home alone, I heard a knock at the door. I answered it to see a local neighbour with bruises all over her face and body. She came inside and waited for my parents to return home.
Meanwhile, up the road, her drunk husband was keeping their two children hostage. Police were called and when the children were released unharmed it was decided that they and their mother would spend the night with us. The following day — Christmas Day — they packed the car, took the pets and left to stay with a relative.
Each year police and support services prepare themselves for a spike in domestic assault cases over the Christmas to New Years’ eve period. A combination of financial strain, families spending more time together, and increased alcohol consumption contribute to the rise in figures.
Advertisement: Story continues below
Last year, US actor Charlie Sheen spent Christmas Day in jail after his wife, Brooke Mueller, accused him of attacking her during an alcohol-fuelled argument.
In NSW, police responded to more than 5000 domestic-violence related complaints over the December 2009 to January 2010 period.
Longitudinal crime trends also indicate that domestic violence cases increase dramatically during the hotter months — peaking over the Christmas period.
It is timely then, that this month NSW Minister for Women Jodi McKay launched a new website to offer information and practical support to victims of domestic violence and their supporters.
While not its primary function, the layout of the website also offers people who haven’t experienced domestic violence a powerful insight into the lives of those who have.
On each page there is a link titled “Exit this site NOW”. The site instructs users to “click on this button if anyone (particularly your abuser) enters the room while you are using this website. It will close this website and redirect your browser to a neutral page. Abusers often use ways of controlling or monitoring their victim’s actions, which can include their online activities.”
There are also instructions on how to clear a computer’s internet history for victims who fear that their abuser may harm them for seeking information or help.
The website also contains a page on what victims can do if they are worried about their pet’s safety. Research shows that 70 per cent of female domestic violence victims say that their abuser has threatened to, or has actually harmed a pet. Fifty-four per cent reported that their abuser had killed a pet, and a quarter of victims say they have delayed leaving their abuser because of concern for their pet’s safety.
As part of the NSW Domestic and Family Violence Action Plan, the RSPCA has set up a “Safe Beds for Pets“ program to provide free temporary accommodation for the pets of victims who are trying to leave their abusers.
It is this sort of simple, practical support that victims so desperately need when making the difficult decision to leave.
The website also offers pragmatic safety advice for victims who have left abusive partners: Change your email and social networking site passwords. Use a PO Box address. Get an unlisted phone number. Change your bank accounts. Mix up your routine. Keep your new location a secret.
The fear that victims live with both during an abusive relationship and after it ends, and the lengths that some must go to protect themselves, their children and their pets, is truly horrifying.
As a community it is vital that we support victims by taking a zero-tolerance line on domestic violence. Victims should never be blamed for the violence they experience and nor should they be derided by those who snidely ask “well why wouldn’t you just leave?”
The reality is that it is never easy to leave an abusive relationship, particularly when victims feel financially dependent on their abuser, or a cultural obligation to stay.
In most cases the abuser will have deliberately isolated the victim from family and friendship networks, making them more vulnerable and dependent on their abuser.
Many abusers convince their victims to stay through promises that they will change or through various threats. Ultimately this is just an attempt to emotionally manipulate and further control the victim.
But victims of all ages, genders and ethnic backgrounds need to know that domestic violence is completely unacceptable and that community support is available. And when victims do seek help, we need to open our doors to them.”
[this article originally appeared in The Age]
The national helpline for those suffering domestic violence is 1800 65 64 63
This social experiment was carried out using hidden cameras in a townhouse complex in Johannesburg. Scary stuff
Comments
74 Comments so far
My mother used to literally torture my father. He would work a long day around 14 hours and come home and she would beat us in front of him and she would slap him and scream at him. He loved us so much, but his work hours were so long, he had little time to protect us from that utter monster of a woman. My father was usually totally exhausted from work and had no fight in him, but she threatened to bury us if he went to the authorities which he ended up doing when I was 9 and my sister was 7.
We were taken into foster care straight away and mum put dad in hospital, she put something in his food, I don’t know what and it turned out he had cancer of the oesophagus and he ended up dying before my 10th birthday.
I have not spoken to that beast since, but my sister has and they keep in touch at christmas. I miss my dad and still smile thinking of him, so christmas has bittersweet memories for me.
loading...
One of my husband’s earliest memories (~3yrs of age) is of his father (of whom he no longer has a relationship with), physically abusing his mother. Has even heard him raping her. He witnessed domestic violence off & on for close to 10yrs before his mum finally left his father, for good. His father was known to have killed their pet, also… jealous of the attention it received.
Despite the odds (sadly this was only a small part of his dysfunctional childhood), my husband is one of the most gentle men I know. We are 27yo, and have been together for 10yrs this September, and married for almost a year. Hubby is loving, emotionally expressive, and affectionate. He got himself through school (graduating Dux of his Year 12), university undergraduate degrees, and currently completing a Law degree by correspondence. Mostly he prides himself on being as different from his father as much as he can.
Whilst domestic violence was ripe within his parents’ marriage (as well as his grandparents’ relationships on both sides), he has chosen to break the cycle, & I admire (not to mention love, dearly), the person he has become.
loading...
Your husband has done so well to rise above his traumatic early experiences. You must be, rightfully, very proud of him
loading...
There are no words. I am so sorry that this happens. Zero tolerance. There is no excuse.
loading...
That site is just another example of things that should not need to exist. Domestic violence is just not on. This is a straight 21 year old man talking.
My fiancee was a victim of physical abuse, and was in an abusive relationship for six years. Towards the end, he (allegedly) tried to strangle her, and she honestly believes that the only reason that she’s still alive is because someone else was in the room to stop her attacker.
It’s just not on. Really. We shouldn’t need to be told.
loading...
Wouldn’t it be good if there was a service where you could register your number and call/text and they could call the cops on your behalf when you’re ready to get the hell out of there?
Either if the abuser was starting on you or you had just had enough?
Maybe those in this awful situation could set up a safety word with a trusted friend or relative to do this with?
loading...
Fantastic ad.
loading...
Thanks for this article very important to get all this info out there. Particularly with the wide audience you have. Very well written and researched Nina. It is such a complex and insidious crime, and crosses all levels of society.
loading...
My brother was the victim of domestic violence when he was with his ex partner she would hit him & slap him.Verbally abuse him on daily even infront of friends & family. I went to visit him one day he had cuts & bruising to his face I asked what happened he told she had scratched his face & threw a bottle at him giving him a black eye. He stayed with her because he loved her tried to make the relationship work they had kids together. He never once fought back just took everything she did him too ashamed to seek help. In the end she left he him & took the kids. Domestic Violence is unacceptable it damages lives & that of children it leaves them emotionally scarred for the rest of there lives.
loading...
I’ve often wondered about domestic violence dished out to men. Obviously, domestic violence against women sucks, and we need more resources for women to feel safe and have their liberty and dignity, and also have the safety of children/pets/other dependents guaranteed as well. But if the services for female victims of domestic violence is lacking, I can only imagine the derth of support for men who suffer abuse from a partner. In discussions of domestic violence men are overwhelmingly cast as perpatrators of violence. I can’t imagine that many would take seriously the plight of a man who suffered abuse – which is terribly sad, because obviously any victim of violence deserves support and empathy.
loading...
Went out with a boy for 4 years from age 17-21, didnt live together, however, he was very jealous, controlling and at the end did become abusive – emotionally and physically. He got onto drugs and I got the hell out of there. Met my loving, caring husband and 11 years later have not looked back. Dont know where I would be if I was still with the ex, he had my self confidence at an all time low.
loading...
“But victims of all ages, genders and ethnic backgrounds need to know that domestic violence is completely unacceptable and that community support is available. And when victims do seek help, we need to open our doors to them.”
Cheers to Nina for writing an unbiased article. What a shame it has to be introduced with the usual male bashing that accompanies most articles on domestic abuse. Suck it up fellas ‘cos it just isn’t happening to you!
loading...
Yeah…Christmas.
It’s supposed to be a happy time for kids but for me the dread in the pit of my stomach would grow by the day – and my father never failed to disappoint. He would get more and more drunk each day as Christmas approached – driving drunk home from work. I would dread the sound of his car turning in the driveway and would wish he would hit a pole on the way home and die. His drunken rants, breaking things, bashing my mum etc etc. on Christmas day was pure hell for a child.
Every year it was the same until I was old enough to get the hell out of there.
I swore it would never happen to my sons. They experience Christmas as fun, joy and above all, PEACE – as it should be.
loading...
You just sent chills down my spine. Take the drinking out of the equation and that’s my Dad.
He was and is still dealing with a whole host of “issues”, but basically any time a special event or holiday comes up, it seems he isn’t happy til he’s upset us all and made himself the centre of attention. Christmas is the ultime. He’s a bully and treats my mother appallingly, and I remember my sister and I cowering together in my bed listening to him stalk the house breaking shit and threatening to hit her. He followed through occasionally too.
I still remember that tightening of your muscles and the sick roll in the pit of your stomach when the car pulls up. I still can’t hear a car of the same make as his without my nerves jangling.
Nowadays my sister and I make grim jokes about how “it’s not Christmas til Dad makes you feel like shit”, suffer through our obligatory time with him at Mum and Dad’s , then we all (sans Dad of course) head off to spend Christmas with Mums’ family where we can relax and have a ball, while he gets to sulk and enjoy his own miserable company. The fact he refuses to spend any time with Mum’s family is beside the point, he gets to be all vindicated and right about how awful we are by leaving him, and we get to enjoy being away from him.
I also remember wishing as a kid he would die, and then when he nealry did, the crushing guilt and revulsion that it might’ve been my fault.
Wow – I don’t think I’ve ever been so open about my Dad before. Thanks Kathy and everyone here for sharing your stories and letting my share mine.
loading...
Oh my gosh, thanks for sharing – wow I am crying…your story and mine are so similar.
I used to cower in my room, with my sister like you while dad rampaged around the house smashing stuff – tearing up family photos etc – and also like you it got way worse in holiday times. I would climb out the window and run up the road and hide in the neighbour’s garden. Then I would feel bad as I didn’t know if my sister and mum were okay. I was 12 years old – what terror for a kid to go through.
As a post-script, dad is now 72 years old and mellow – but has conveniently forgot what a monster he was. He is a wonderful grandfather to my boys and they don’t know what happened to my sister and I as children – and they never will. No need to burden them with that. I forgive him.
Christmas blessings to you Quixotic – thanks for sharing your story – I hear every single word you say and I feel it too xx
loading...
Thanks Kathy.
It’s a funny thing, my Dad dotes on my daughter and my sister’s son, and would very likely kill anyone who treated his granddaughter the way he treats his wife and children.
I can’t get over the way my daughter will throw herself into his arms and giggle etc., whilst I’m still on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to fall. I even catch her looking at me funny when I’m being standoffish.
I’m glad you have found forgiveness and the strength to let your boys enjoy a relationship with their Grsndad. I wish you and your family all the best. xoxo
loading...
This article upset me alot.
My father was abusive towards my mother, I’m not really sure to the extent, as I only remember some things and she hasn’t told me everything, but he was and still is a very controlling, selfish man. She left him and they divorsed when my sister and I were teenagers. She taught us both to be strong women, she succeeded, neither my sister nor I have been in such relationships like hers. A few years ago when my father and his second wife were talking about a friend of theirs who was being abused by her huband it struck me that the very behavior my father was critizing is the very behavior he displayed to my mother. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t know what to say as he is very charming and can lie about anything, I never win arguments with him. I’m not sure if he abuses his second wife, he is old now and sick, so probably not physically, but verbally and emotionally I’m sure. I have very little to do with my father now, it helps we live in different countries. My father was a very successfull buisness man, he drove lovely cars, had expensive holidays etc, but such a bully, so disrepectful to women.
I recently donated our old mobile phone to a shelter for women, this company said that as a way of controlling women men don’t allow women mobile phones. This company re-does the phone and gives it to women in need so they can call 911 when they need urgent help.
loading...
I’m so glad you and your sister found such strength from everything your mother went through.
That’s a great idea about the mobile, where did you donate it?
loading...
Hi Luc
I live in the US and I donated the phone through Verizon phone company. On their website they have a link where you can print a postage label and then all you need to do is put your phone and charger in an envelope with the label and they get the phone all ready for those in need.
I am not sure if Telstra or the like offer it at home, a very good idea I thought it was.
LMM
loading...
call 000
loading...
In Australia, the emergency number is 000.
loading...
I’d say this commenter lives in the US though, which is why she gave the US emergency number…
loading...
As a survivor of domestic abuse, i hate the word victim and because all the parties involved have made their peace and now get along well. My father had anger issues and there are actually a lot of things at play that made him the way he was, not saying the behaviour is ok just saying that demonising perpetrators doesn’t help the bigger picture. I think it’s hard to get help if you are seen as a monster. The other thing i come up against all the time is people either finding my story too much for their delicate little senses or worse getting on their soap boxes and telling me how my family SHOULD have dealt with it. I guess i appreciate that compassion is great but i wish people would get a little more involved and help make plans. Having said all this if i was ever with someone who took a swing at me i would end him…….pure and simple
loading...
This is a topic that I have rather strong feelings about as when I was a child, my mother was a victim of domestic violence and the hands..and boots..of my step-father. The last time I saw him, I was nine years old and he had my mother down on the kitchen floor, kicking forty-four shades of brown out of her. I ended up with a fractured skull trying to stop the fat bastard from killing her.
He left the house and the city that night. I know which town he lives in. Whenever we have driven through that area, we always have to take a wide detour around the town rather than drive through it. My hatred for this thing is so strong, that I know that if we took the quicker route and I was to see him on the main street I would do to him what he did to my mother and I. I can safely say that I would probably do worse.
The mongrel bastard is not worth doing time for, so I guess that the detour is the safest route.
A little closer to home now, each Christmas…the SIL misses out on becoming a victim of violence by a mere whisker. She gets under my skin to the point that when I feel that I’m about to break her glasses whilst she is still wearing them…we leave. Doesn’t matter whether it’s mid meal, before or afterwards. I know when I’m about to reach my breaking point. You have idea how sorry I feel for the poor SOB that she’s married to. But my wife assures me that her brother has always been weak and never tells her to clam up. I imagine that somewhere down the line I’ll read that she’s found in a ditch…having been missing for some months.
loading...
Who or what is SIL??? Read your post so many times…how does SIL translate to mum…???
loading...
SIL = Sister In Law.
loading...
thanks for the translation Xx
loading...
Hi Kris. Glad that you’re back. I hope that you’ve been well. How is everything going with the bub ? I’m sure that I’m not the only one looking forward to a baby update.
On the off chance that I don’t get onto the site tomorrow, hope that you have a great Christmas. If the SIL gets to be too much on Christmas Day, expect to hear from me !
loading...
(I don’t want to be rude or patronising. Here goes…)
Congratulations on becoming a better man than your father.
Commiserations on your SIL.
loading...
Thanks redballoon. But that’s “step father”. My biological father was a gentleman, unlike the step. If I can be one tenth the man the my father was…I’ll be doing okay !
loading...
That bit about pets reminds me of a girl I went to school with. Her father cut her cats head off with an axe. The strange thing is it didn’t seem like that big a deal to her or to us (her school friends). I guess she kind of got used to it (having a crazy stepfather) and we got used to hearing about it. There was a weird sort of disconnection from the whole thing. Nothing to do with Chritmas, just something I remembered after reading the bit about pets. (My friend is very happy now if anyone is wondering).
loading...
My best friend used to come to school black and blue from her father’s belt and while I was horrified at the time, the full impact of those actions did ‘t hit me properly until my ex started to lay into me. I don’t think you really realize what it means when you’re a kid.
loading...
My mum’s first husband was abusive. After she left him she had to enrol my half sisters into a Lutheran school (the last place he’d look) and go into hiding because he had already abducted one of my sisters once and threatened to throw her in the river. I’m so proud that my mum found the strength to leave and finally met my dad.
I feel sorry for my sisters too. When my eldest sister had her first baby she experienced severe post natal depression, because with the arrival of her daughter so many memories and questions from her own traumatic childhood surfaced.
The worst thing is, is that this guy was such a charmer and his true nature was never revealed until after they married. His first wife died in a car accident and my mum is very suspicious over the circumstances of the first wife’s death because one time mum discovered he’d actually cut the brake fluid lines in her own car. She was driving through a winding hilly area with her elderly dad and all the kids in the car, she controlled the car changing gears and using the handbrake until she could find somewhere safe to stop. There are so many stories like this she has told me.
I think her ex is now up to about his fifth or sixth wife!
loading...
That’s what makes these guys so damn insidious – they are charming to everyone, which is often how they suck their victims in – they are the most wonderful man ever during courtship, and at times throughout the relationship, that charming man will reappear, offering renewed hope.
It’s their best disguise, and they use it well.
Good on your mum for getting out! I feel for your sister, I hope she is doing ok now.
loading...
OMG, he sounds like he needs to be locked up! That is so scary – so glad your Mum and sisters got away from him – do your sisters have anything to do with him?
loading...
No. My sisters saw him for the first time in years when they went to their brother’s wedding (about 12 years ago) – he was from their dad’s first marriage.
I think the youngest, who was in her late teens at the time, went there expecting to rekindle some sort amazing bond with her dad. However, he showed no interest in connecting with her.
Since then, they have never had any contact with him. They consider my dad to be their dad too and not just a step dad, and my dad treats them like his biological daughters.
The really weird thing is my mum still keeps in touch with her ex-MIL, ex sisters in law, and their families. I don’t think my mum wanted to deprive my sisters of their extended family because they are all actually really lovely people (and I guess by the time she was with my dad she felt safe enough). I even grew up calling the relatives of my mum’s ex ‘nana’ and ‘aunty’ etc. However, I don’t think the ex-MIL ever accepted that her son is an abusive husband, which is not surprising because apparently the ex-MILs husband (my mum’s ex’s dad) who has long been deceased, was also an abusive husband but she just doesn’t like to admit it – quite a cycle there.
Phew, my family feels like some sort of mental brady bunch.
loading...
My Dad’s fam always asks after Mum when we see them – they all really like her, so I can understand the staying in touch a bit. My baby’s dad isn’t interested in it as far as he’s told me, but I don’t see that as a reason to deprive bubs of their Nan and Aunty and Uncle either, just because he’s being a dickhead. I guess that’s your Mum’s reasoning too.
loading...
Most probably. I think being surrounded by family that loved them could have only had a positive impact, and I hope the same goes for your bub too.
loading...
My husband’s father was abusive. His family, and my MIL’s too, refused to believe that he was the violent prick that he was, until his 2nd and 3rd wives had him charged. Like so many, he knew where and how to hit without leaving a mark. And he was charming. Birds out of trees.
loading...
I still keep in touch with my ex’s family, 20 years after I left him. In fact his mother is a “nanna” to my youngest 2 who are no relation to her. Unlike your ex MIL, mine can recognize what a douche my ex is. She is eternally grateful she got to witness her grandchildren grow up.
loading...
I’m so scared that my sister will be one of those 1400 women killed by her partner or that he will harm one of the four children. But she won’t leave.
loading...
Let her know you are there for her, day or night, whenever she needs you. Maybe one day she will leave.
loading...
One thing you can do is keep a diary of times your sister has mentioned any type of abuse or when you’ve noticed any bruises or scratches. I believe this type of diary can be used in court if need be. Also this website may be of help. The MOSAIC tool has been specifically created (and is used by police) to determine the likely risk that the abuser will in fact try to kill the victim.
http://www.gavindebecker.com
loading...
Report it, report it report it. If the police know they can prosecute – wether your sus wants them to or not, for her own safety.
loading...
thank you for your responses and your advice.
We have all offered support – financial, emotional, housing (we bought a house for her to live in rent free) – anything that she would need to leave. At the moment we all try and have the children as much as possible to give the kids stability and support. We’ve given the older children mobile phones so that they can call us anytime. We call the police, we report to DOCS. She just won’t leave… he promises that it will get better… he will stop drinking…he will stop using drugs. It’s breaking our hearts and we feel so powerless to help.
loading...
Anna: i’m sorry to hear this, really sorry. i don’t know if it would help but tell your sister that people who want to deal with alcohol/drug problems ACT to recover, they don’t just make broken promises. as a recovering alcoholic i see people who make promises to their family but do nothing and then i see people who show up to AA, go to rehab, make the effort. these two sorts of people are very different characters, the first type isn’t willing to face up to their addiction.
loading...
One of the things I find really chilling about this is the one in three statistic. By that figure surely there are women I know who are suffering or have suffered this? But I don’t know who they are. Makes me feel slightly sick inside.
loading...
My husband punched me in the face once and I didn’t tell anyone,I still haven’t. It’s just not the kind of thing you bring up unless you are planning to leave your partner right away. I bet most women won’t bring it up because they are afraid of being judged for not leaving. If you are in a violent relationship and for whatever reason don’t want to leave your partner or can’t leave your partner then you really are on your own (as far as friends and family go. There are professional organisations like Relationships Australia that can help you if you want to fix things rather than leave). As soon as you tell someone you’ll get “you have to leave – now!” which really is a completely fucking useless thing to say in many cases. Women need you to offer them a place to live, long-term or a good job, long-term, help with child-care, transport, practical stuff. They don’t need someone getting in their face telling them to leave and not offering any further help. In alot of places the community support available is very, very minimal and I bet there are many, many women who think they are better off just trying to deal with things themselves rather than asking for help and ending up in a shelter while their kids are in foster care with god knowns who.
(This comment isn’t aimed at you Bowerbird, it’s just my thoughts on why women don’t come forward. I too wonder if any of my friends or acquaintances are in violent relationships,a couple of them I suspect probably are but I don’t think there is much I can do to either find out for sure or to help.).
loading...
I am afraid you hit the nail on the head there. Community and personal support is super-important, and super minimal.
loading...
Usually you can take your kids with you…
loading...
I know that usually you can take your kids with you,it’s just I read an article in our local paper a while ago about a woman with 2 kids who had to put her children in foster care while she went looking for a job because she could only afford to live in a homeless persons shelter. I know there are homeless shelters for women and children, I spent part of my childhood in one, but perhaps some of them are just for adults or don’t accept children, I don’t know. I do know the family shelters have fairly strict time limits, you can’t stay in them indefinitely so if you haven’t found a job and child care by the time you’re supposed to leave then you are in a bit of trouble, at least until you can get a housing commission place or a job that pays enough for you to rent privately.
loading...
Yes it’s a bit sad isn’t it, never enough emergency housing. Personally I think the perpetrator shouldn’t get to stay in the family home, it just doesn’t seem fair. Having said that I know he’d (mostly he) just turn up and harass the family but it’s still not fair.
loading...
Financial strain, heat, boredom, sudden changes in family dynamics as everyone is home together and of course alcohol all play a major part in the increase.
I used to work with abused women, getting them away from their abusers.
The risk is that, once someone leaves, they will go back to their abuser. This happens in a huge number of cases, as they are so reliant on the abuser, not just financially, but emotionally – a kind of Stockholm Syndrome – their self-worth and identity is tied up with their abuser’s view of them.
What happens if they get out in the real world, and the abuser is right, they are no good out there, they can’t survive/cope? Many can’t, they have become so isolated/dependent, they cannot survive in a ‘normal’ environment. And so back they go.
Another thing we saw a lot of was mutual ‘friends’ or friends of friends, telling the abuser where to find their victim. To truly escape, you need to put considerable distance between yourself and your abuser, and this is not easy. To go to an alien environment, with no similarity to your previous existence at all, is terrifying for anyone, let alone someone who has been dependent on someone else for their thoughts and actions for a period of time. Cutting ties with the past is almost impossible for many.
There are no easy answers. I wish there were. If you see/hear/suspect abuse, report it. You may save someone’s life.
loading...
People often go back many times, but after a certain number they also often leave for good. The leaving & going back is part of the process.
loading...
Yeah, I know, but it’s as frustrating as Hell when you get them out, get them set up, and they go back, only to call in 6 months saying “I’m leaving him/her.’ And you do it again, and they do it again.
Sadly, I think that pattern is a part of the problem, people see the leave/return happening, and after a certain number of times of it happening, go ‘Well, they are only going to go back, so why even bother?’
That said, I have never refused to help anyone who wanted to leave an abusive partner, even after I quit the job.
loading...
Thankfully I’ve never experienced this directly. But my fiance’s mum was abused by her alcoholic husband for more than 20 years. It would always get worse during this time of year. I’m glad that there’s more support and resources now than there was back then.
loading...
That video is so shocking. Terrible. I wonder if the people who complained about the drumming have since seen it and are ashamed of themselves?
loading...
The thing is, what would you do if you heard noise like that?
I once heard a horrible domestic when I lived in an apartment. I never knew what to do. I certainly wouldn’t go knocking on their door. I considered calling the police. I probably should’ve, even though it sounded like the fight was pretty even-sided (I know that sounds awful). I just don’t think that fronting up to a neighbour’s door would be helpful in a situation like that.
loading...
Going and knocking on the door is NEVER a good idea – ring the police. Don’t get involved. Often the victim will turn on their ‘rescuer’, along with their abuser, so you get 2 pissed off people trying to hurt you.
And don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you didn’t make the call. It’s a tough thing to deal with, when you hear it for the first time- do you act, and risk making it worse (or bringing their wrath down on yourself) or take the chance that it’s just a row? We have all had those moments.
loading...
Call the police, every time. The police would rather rock up to nothing than get called to the hospital later to take a statement from someone with massive injuries. And even if they can’t do anything, or if the abused party refuses to make a complaint, they will still have the incident on record, which can be used in the future as evidence of a pattern of abuse if needed.
loading...
Yeah, good advice thanks Melissa J. I will keep that in mind if I ever hear something similar again.
loading...
I remember hearing a massive domestic when I was leaving in my first flat, I immediately became paralysed, like a kid again and went and hid in my bed.
I saw her a few days later with a massive bruise on her neck and felt so guilty, small and useless.
A few years later, in another place, I heard another fight start up, and I rang the police. To hear the woman, who had moments ago been screaming in fear, then turn around and tell the police to “go do something useful and stop hassling them” made me want to hit her myself.
loading...
Sorry, on re-reading this it strikes the wrong tone.
I should say I realise it may have been a defense mechanism on her part, so her boyfriend didn’t blame her for the police showing up, I just meant to say it is such a fraught, complex issue with no easy way out for women (or men) who are being abused.
loading...
I had a similar situation as 19yo living by myself in an apartment, having just moved to Sydney.
I have had no exposure to domestic violence, yet the raw noise and brutality of it froze me in one place. I only got the courage to call the police after a god almighty crash, then still silence. They (together or seperately) moved out of the apartment within a week of that incident.
As a 19 yo I thought I was highly moral and brave, but I still remember sitting on the edge of my bed in the dark, terrified. I’m now 30 and I still feel bad for not calling the police earlier.
loading...
This article rings true. My mum’s sister (my aunt) is in an abusive relationship.
He’s managed to cut her off from almost all her friends and family – she’s “banned” from seeing my mum and her other family – he even moved the family to an isolated area and won’t allow her to drive (the car keep mysteriously breaking down whenever she mentions that she might use it) so she is completely isolated. He’s psychologically abusive and becoming more physical I suspect – mum’s seen bruises on her.
No one in my family seems able to convince her to seek help or leave him – she always says she can’t while the (adult) kids are still at home as she wants to protect them. Her youngest will be moving out in the next couple of years so we’re crossing our fingers that once that happens she’ll leave him.
She’s lost all semblance of her identity and self esteem. She’s so isolated that any social situation frightens and overwhelms her. I wish there was more we could do – we’ve tried reporting her situation – no one seems able or willing to help – they all say there’s nothing that can be done until there’s physical evidence and she would need to bring the charges (which she won’t).
My mum is beside herself and worried that she might harm herself to escape the situation. I just feel so helpless and angry. Any advice?
loading...
I am so sorry to have to say this, but from what you are saying, she won’t leave. Ever.
When abuse is at this level, the victim’s whole being becomes wrapped up in their abuser’s view of them – they don’t HAVE an identity, they are merely an extension of the abuser. It’s a vicious cycle, and self-perpetuating.
All you or anyone can do, is document anything you see (bruises, abuse) and be there for her when/if she leaves.
loading...
she might leave. you should let people have hope.
loading...
I’m not saying don’t hope, I’m saying I don’t think she will. I don’t know the situation itself, there may be factors I am not seeing, but it doesn’t sound promising.
There is always hope. Whether there is strength, or ability, is another thing.
loading...
When you see her, just let her know that you are there for her, anytime she needs you. Find a way to let her know that if she needs to get out with her kids, there are places she can go (could she stay with you or your Mum?) There are women’s refuges that can also provide crisis accommodation.
It is very hard for an abused woman to leave. I think there is a study around that suggests a woman attempts to leave 18 times before she finally gets away for good. This is because a cycle of continual abuse wears down someone’s self esteem and totally shreds their identity and self-worth.
loading...
That video shows a truth about humans that I believe many don’t want to think about. I feel that many people won’t interfere when they hear domestic violence as they “don’t want to get involved” without realising that their lack of action could/will result in serious harm. Also, some people won’t help because they don’t want to put themselves in danger (which is not a bad thing, self-preservation, etc) but would anyone actually call the police to a domestic violence situation? Probably not and this saddens me deeply.
loading...
Thank you!
I don’t know anyone who is currently living in an abusive situation … that is, I don’t *think* I know anyone.
I’ll distribute this article to all my contacts today.
loading...
I think its likely that you do know people who are keeping secrets about this. Its shocking
loading...
I was in an abusive relationship (verbal, emotional and physical) for 5 years 15 years ago …. After much counselling I’ve only mentioned it to a few friends recently. My family still don’t know. I didn’t tell anyone what was happening at the time and afterwards because I felt like it was my fault and that I had somehow failed ??? It’s only now that I know it was never my fault and nothing I did caused it. I just wish I was stronger and wiser back then.
loading...
I used to work for a Family Lawyer. He called January “Mango Madness Season” because we would come back to work after Christmas to dozens of new “family” files. Simply families who have spent a lot of condensed time together over the festive season, too much alcohol and not a lot of patience.
loading...