Could you live apart from your partner?
by KAT TATE
Living apart from your partner is like being a grandparent. You get to play with them, bake yummy treats for them and, when they start annoying you, send them home!
My man and I have been living apart since we started dating four years ago. We’re in no rush to shack up together. He’s happy doing his thing, and I enjoy my alone time.
Which may or may not involve scoffing mint slices, slathering my hair in a deep conditioning treatment and watching Jersey Shore.
When we meet up, we have oodles of juicy things talk about, which doesn’t include whose turn it is to buy toilet paper.
If I’m feeling cramped in my flat, I take a quick trip to my man’s pad for a change of scenery. When he comes over, I make him sleep in flowery sheets. Next to a girly, glittery ornament that spells ‘love’. He doesn’t seem to mind. Even when I tell him that in my place, the blue pillows go on top of the white ones “AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!”
I get that many people see sharing a home as an important step in a relationship. But I don’t think we’re any less committed by living apart. We love each other, enjoy spooning (well, for a few minutes anyway) and make time for each other.
We gasbag on the phone almost every night, sharing highlights from our day and planning our next catch-up. All the while I slather on fake tan, zap zits, preen and pluck. He probably pictures me lounging around in a luxurious robe and red lippy. He needn’t know!
It really is the best of both worlds. Ooey-gooey canoodling when you need it, solitude when you crave it, and hours of trashy TV without complaint. Though I’ll admit, lugging a load of spare clothes and makeup back and forth can get a tad annoying.
BYO toothbrush.
We may not spend endless hours together, or get to announce ‘Honey, I’m ho-ome!’ when we walk in the door each night. But the time we do spend together is sacred. We make the most of it. It’s how we spend our time together that matters. Not how much.
Though not everyone ‘gets’ our living arrangement. Often, when telling people that I don’t live with my boyfriend, I’m met with a puzzled, ‘Oh.’ Followed by a pause. And an awkward observation about the weather. Colleagues constantly ask, ‘You’ve been together for four years, right?’
I nod, waiting for the inevitable follow-up question: ‘So, when are you moving in together?’ It seems that as soon as you switch your Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’, it’s the done thing to ditch your flatmates and head to Fantastic Furniture for a faux-timber furniture package.
I have nothing against couples who shack up on the eve of their six-month anniversary, or sooner. And I love seeing friends find love and settle down. It’s their relationship; their choice. Living across town from my partner is mine.
Someday soon, a sleepover with my man may turn into a longer term living arrangement. I look forward to us having a family together and talking about toilet paper (well, maybe not). But living apart suits us for now. And my Jersey Shore addiction.
Do you and your partner live together or apart? What do you like about it?
COMMENT NOTE: To keep the site positive, respectful and troll-free, we are now pre-moderating all comments. So if you don’t see yours pop up straight away don’t panic! We will get to it as soon as we can (we’re aiming for close to real time) and so long as it doesn’t breach our comment guidelines, it shall appear. Thanks for playing.
-MM Team
Comments
80 Comments so far
Although not technically living apart, I am married to a truck driver who is only home 1 and a half days a week – I couldn’t ask for a more ideal arrangement… I’m quite independent and enjoy a robust social life and am involved with a number of committees and boards – our arrangements allow me to pursue all that and still be a wife (and now mother). I can’t say that I would be cut out for a relationship that is 24/7 in each other’s pocket – I know I can be hard to live with – lol. We now have a 5 month old baby and whilst playing single mum during the week is sometimes challenging, I still don’t think I’d want it any other way.
loading...
I agree with Kat Tate in “Why I love living apart from my partner”. My partner and I live apart and have been together for two and a half years. We do have children and our own lives and this is the choice we have made. We were both in previous relationships….mine a 17 year traditional partners then marriage then children relationship….and living together is hard. Im no where ready for that again. Now I see the difference in the two and I really do prefer the way it is now. We see the best of each other and as long as you have the right foundations in your relationship trust and respect for starters…..why cant it work. Our relationship is stronger than ever and we cant wait to see each other!!! Love it.
loading...
I moved in with my bf too soon…. After living together for almost a year and a half, I moved out. We are still together and happier than ever but I needed to do things for me (meet new people, have some ‘me time’ etc) and we needed to learn to appreciate each other again. The time we spend together now is much better because, like you said, we make the most of it. We don’t take each other for granted and I’m sure that when we do move back in together, we will be a lot stronger because of this.
It’s a backwards way of doing it but so glad it’s happened. I can read articles on sites like mamamia and google random stuff and I am not neglecting anyone!
loading...
Sounds nice to me, especially since I also lived seperately from my husband in the four years before we were married. I guess I am a bit old fashioned (I am now 27). I always wanted the only person I lived with to be my husband, so it could be something special between us. I didn’t rush to move in either. Yes, I know, life happens and sometimes idealizing is not always how things turn out, but for me it’s going pretty well. Dated for 4 years, married now for 5 years. I think our relationship has gone so well because we DID take it slow and had a lot of fun along the way before getting too serious.
loading...
Good for you Kat. I enjoyed your article. This sounds like the perfect situation. I’ve always talked about wanting a relationship where we lived next door to one another – kind of like Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter who have a door connecting their two homes.
Perfect!
loading...
My partner and I both found ourselves divorced after 20+ year marriages that we each thought would last forever.
We each have custody of our 8 to 18 year-old children (he has 4 at home, I have 2.)
So there is a whole lot more to consider than just our commitment to each other.
We have been together for over two years, but live just over an hour apart, so only get to see each other on the weekends.
Having children already established at school, several in their final school years, means we wouldn’t even consider combining the two families at this stage.
Our kids get along with each other brilliantly, which itself seems amazing, as children obviously have little or no say in the new relationships their divorced parents create.
As our relationship has evolved, especially as one year grew into two years and continues to grow, I started to feel we “should” get together in the one house.
But then I was told about a similar family that kept two separate houses until all the kids left school/home..and suddenly the stress of deciding what to do was lifted from my shoulders!
Now I can accept and be satisfied that this is what works for us in the here and now.
We each have our own family to care for all week.
On Friday nights, he and his kids come and stay at my place – it’s crowded but fun with 2 adults and up to 7 kids in the house!
On Saturday nights, I go to his place while my kids go to their father’s place.
Why would we want this to change?
We are equally committed to our kids and our relationship.
We talk on the phone twice a day about anything and everything.
We do lots of stuff together with the kids on the weekends.
And our kids know that we are not going to force them all to live together, and that we are putting them first.
I don’t feel anyone is missing out in this situation.
And I love having a queen-size bed to myself 5 nights a week!
And watching whatever I want on TV.
And staying awake all night reading if I want to.
All this while still having someone there when I need them.
Plus I can assure you – absence really does make the heart grow fonder!
loading...
My partner and I have been together for around 10 years, have never lived together and although we are in the process of buying a place, probably still won’t live together for another couple of years.
We’re both at home and have the freedom to basically do what we want, spend as much time or as little time as we need with each other.
We’re both very individual people who like being alone so for us to be separated isn’t difficult but it doesn’t mean we aren’t as committed or whatnot, it just means we know what we are like and we know what the other is like and can respect that.
In saying that, living together would still give us that space as he works shift work.
loading...
My boyfriend and I are celebrating our three year anniversary this month and live separately. A mutual friend of ours began dating his girlfriend last year and almost straight away she moved into his house, due to problems with her current living situation. They constantly fight and often break up and then get back together. She talks to me about it and asks if my boyfriend and I fight and I tell her we rarely do – sometimes we argue about things but they’re usually just topical. The thing that annoys me is how much she looks down on the relationship I have with my boyfriend (always saying things like “oh well it’s not a real fight until you live together” or “do you think it’s serious between you two?” etc etc) just because we don’t live together! I love not living together! We actually enjoy the time we spend together. Not sure if other people get this from friends?
loading...
Yes – sounds very similar.
I dislike the friends who do live together after only a short time and think they know all the answers.
However, their relationships are terrible. They don’t allow their partner to go out with their friends because they don’t want to be at home alone or they don’t let them go out because they cant spend money thats meant to go towards something else etc etc. They move in too quick and don’t build the foundations of trust, respect, space etc
They constantly fight and my boyfriend and I don’t. We shouldn’t have to justify why we don’t live together but we always find ourselves saying “we don’t want to rent, we want to travel more etc etc”
loading...
Do you two both live alone? I think it would be a lot easier to keep your own places for longer if you both lived alone as opposed to both sharing with others.
Part of the reason my boyfriend and I moved in together was that we were both sharing and we just never felt like we had any proper time to ourselves – there always seemed to be someone else home, or coming home soon if you did have the house to yourself.
And god I got sick of what felt like constantly lugging a bag with a change of clothes, makeup, books etc around with me.
loading...
My heart kind of aches reading about couples living together. I love my alone time, but I yearn for the intimacy in sharing a home with my boyfriend. He is, however, only 20 and not ready to move out, still lives at home and has no immmediate plans to shack up with me. And, my daughter may have something to do with this as well.
I am more than ready, I crave the nights together, cooking together, I want to make his lunches and do housework and for us to go out with our frineds, but know we are coming home to each other.
Alas, just because I am more than ready, does not mean that he is, and this is for the best because I know if i forced him or put any pressure on him to move in with me, the relationship would probably crumble on his part and things might turn awful.
He says he is not ready to move due to financial reasons, he is young, most of his mates still live at home. There isn’t really much I can do except be here and keep loving him the way he loves me and be patient and hopeful that we will build our life together in the future. Of course I have doubts, as we have been together two and a bit years, and I feel like we would be great in the same house (as it is he sleeps over every weekend anyway). Mymind plays tricks on me and I wonder if it is the right relationship, if he is stalling, if I am clingy, etc etc.
I guess time will tell… I can only be the girl he fell in love with and wait for that change to happen. I dream of the day I hear the words “Let’s get a place together, I am ready to live with you.” Sigh…….
loading...
Hi Stacey 87.
I really feel for you and I love the advice you give yourself, to “be the girl he fell in love with.” Don’t nag or push, ever!
You would love the advice given by a lady called Rori Raye on her website:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com
She talks about this issue frequently and you can sign up for her free email newsletters, which are very helpful.
loading...
I think it is really interesting that some people are saying on here that they can’t be apart from their partner for a week, or they spend every single night together. I don’t understand why they can’t be apart. Do you not enjoy your own company? I think the sign of a healthy relationship is when you can be apart, I don’t think it is so healthy to be so dependent on each other that you struggle to be apart for a week – how will you ever grow as a person if your living in someone’s pocket?
Each to their own with the living situation, but I do think it is odd when friends of mine tell me they can’t spend nights apart. Learn to love your own company!
loading...
I dont agree with your intimation about people not enjoying their own company, or not growing from within a relationship.
I think both options have their benefits, and their pitfalls. I personally dont like it when my partner is away (we live together) simply because I enjoy his company, and I similarly enjoy routine. If I am used to seeing him 7 nights a week then all of a sudden I dont see him at all for 2 weeks, I do get frustrated (and this happens a lot – hes in the military).
I have grown socially and mentally while living with him, and he has grown those ways too. I study/read, he plays games, works on his car, or watches tv.
There is no shortage of personal time if we need it. What we do get, is someone to ask to take out the bin, or help with the dishes, or cook when the other is exhausted. For the record, he isnt worried when i put on a hair or face treatment, and I dont care what ratty/baggy clothes he gets around the house in.
Im a ‘live together’ girl, because i personally know that I can get along with someone famously, but living together can be a whole different story.
At the end of the day, whether you move in after two weeks, two years, or twenty years wont dictate how much you or your partner will get along, or how much you will grow or know yourself. It will just work, or it wont. I personally would rather find out sooner rather than later, thats all.
loading...
What ever happened to getting married before moving in together?
loading...
Time happened.
loading...
Hmm, I don’t know. I think part of what makes a truly committed and intimate relationship is living and working through all those minutae of daily life. Compromise, etc. Separate living seems to just indicate you arent willing to compromise or deal with the true realities of each others personailties – which to be honest isnt always fun but I think DOES bring a couple closer if they are committed to working through it together, through the highs and the lows of life together. I think that life of working things out together, brings closer understanding and also personal growth – we become better people through understanding/sacrifice/service to each other, not just having everything the way we want it.
By all means, a relationship can ‘work’ like that but seems to me like it would always exist on a more shallow level than one in which they live together, as you dont get the opportunity to expore that deeper commitment to live and work things out together.
loading...
I find this really interesting. I have a friend who lives apart from her partner, and now they have two children and still live apart, in different cities due to work.
For me, I love living with my husband – we lived together after a year of going out and have never squabbled about whose turn it is to by loo paper, do the dishes, etc. We’re even and thankfully he’s house trained and actually more organised than I am.
if I run late in the morning, he makes my lunch, if I’ve had a bad day he’s there at the door with a glass of wine in hand. I love going to sleep beside the person I love and waking up beside him.
Personally, I think the best relationships are the ones where you let your guard down and be vulnerable and let someone be that rock, and to be that rock for someone else. But all of that aside, I suppose if you don’t have flatmates and you can hold on to your own identify and independance and that keeps you happy, then that’s pretty special too.
At the end of the day, everyone needs to do what fits and works for them best!
loading...
Each to their own. I got royally over lugging my stuff back and forth between mine and my partners house when we were ‘dating’ and it was a blessed relief when after 18 months we moved in together. That was nearly 2 years ago and we haven’t spent a night apart since – this isn’t a rule we’ve made but it’s just happened that way. I find now though that I do get bored and miss him if he’s out for the night and I’m at home. And you can still do your own thing/preen in the bathroom while living together. I don’t look forward to having to spend time apart in the future if he has to move interstate for work for a while (on the cards at the moment). I’m going to have to march over to my parent’s house to get my daily hug requirement from my Mum, haha.
I do enjoy girl’s nights out though and make sure to always bring him home a treat from wherever we’ve had dinner or dessert!
loading...
My partner of 6 years and I have never lived together, but we have made arrangements so that we DO live in apartments that are next to each other in the same building.
This is just like having the best of both worlds without all the mundane arguements like whose turn it is to take out the rubbish.
Every night is like date night and I get the benefit of sleeping like a starfish without upsetting the other half.
We get married next month and are looking forward to building our new houses (side by side).
I love my man and hand on heart can say that we are just as committed as any other relationship – we just choose to do things differently.
loading...
For someone who isn’t particularly happy in a very similar situation, this was a hard read. It’s lovely that you’re happy — I’m half happy for you and half envious! Treasure it xx
loading...
Whatever works for you.. but I pretty much do all of the things Kat is talking about and I have lived with my boy for 2.5 years!
I’ll happily pick at my face and it doesn’t bother him in the slightest. It doesn’t bother me either – it’s a little late in the game to pretend I lay around in the evenings with a feather boa and a full face of makeup!
We draw the line at toilets though – doors are always closed then.
Seriously though, we give eachother plenty of space and will go hours without much of a word spoken between us. And to know that he’s there for a cuddle anytime I like – that’s bliss.
loading...
Sorry if this is FYI but my boy and I moved in about 6 months into the relationship and in the first year of living together I had a GIANT white zit on my nose and he asked me if he could pop it! At first I said “Ewwwwww gross, get away!” but I relented the next day and now … we regularly pop each other’s zits!
But yes, toilet door ALWAYS closed, number ones included.
loading...
my husband and i lived together from very early on and I loved it. Everyone makes the choice that suits them. I have to admit though now he does shift work now and I do enjoy when he is on night shift and I get the bed to myself
loading...
My partner and I recently moved in together after being in a relationship for 9 months. Prior to that I was living with him most of the time (going home maybe 2-3 times a week) but was having to lug all my clothes etc back and forth each time.
I don’t like being apart from him, a day or two is fine but weeks is really hard. That may change years from now, who knows? Sometimes work situations means we are apart for a week but we both really struggle. I don’t need him 24/7, just need that hug and kiss when I get home from work, or that snuggle in bed before we fall asleep to make everything A ok
loading...
Isn’t that just a normal arrangement? Everyone lives apart until they’re ready to move in or get married, however long that takes…
loading...
I have read it is getting more common for couples to live together but have separate bedrooms. I love the idea!
loading...
This is my ideal situation. I love the idea of being in a committed relationship, even married, but with separate houses. I like a lot of alone time and I prefer to sleep alone- I don’t sleep well with someone else in the bed. I don’t think this post is weird at all.
loading...
My husband works DIDO – drive in drive out -and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Over a year I am solo at least 5 months of the year. He does a 5d4d roster and it works for us and our children. People are quick to criticise our life but it works for us. He used to do 21d10d roster – so this more frequent roster is a lot of time together for us and took getting used to! If you are both happy – why not? Couples can spend too much time together!!!
loading...
People are critical aren’t they! My hubby does FIFO, 14d7d and people were so quick to say we shouldn’t get married because we have never “lived together properly”.
loading...
I’m single and really enjoy my own space. But when I do find a suitable life partner I would probably want to live together. I’d feel that if I ever required my own space I would start questioning my relationship.
But only time will tell.
loading...
I’m lucky enough to be in a (very happy) relationship whereby my partner goes interstate for work for extended periods and on a regular basis. He does fly-in / fly-out work (FIFO). He’ll be away for 3 months, then back for a month. I love having time to myself with our young son, being able to have the tv, computer, house all to myself, not having to worry about him or all his washing/ironing/cooking/cleaning etc, being able to do all the things that I want to do, but we also love it when he comes home and we have such a great time together when he’s here. And then before long, he’s off again.
I know plenty of wives/partners of FIFO workers that absolutely hate it, that they’re afraid or worried being on their own/alone, that they miss their hubby terribly and don’t tend to cope that well on their own or with the kids on their own and so on. I’ve never been worried or afraid being in a house by myself and yes, my son knows no different work situation for his Dad – as far as he’s concerned it’s always been like this, and while we do miss him when he’s away, we know he’ll be back and I make the most of the time to myself. It’s not for everyone, but it works perfectly for us and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
loading...
I too have a husband who does fly in- fly out. I never aspired to have this type of relationship and never thought it would work!! But work it does and we have 2 children who also know no difference – they completely pick up on my attitude of lets focus on the positives of it. Yes I miss him but it is all about making the choice of focusing on the advantages which NO-ONE mentions when they say “Oh how awful to have your husband away for so long – I could NEVER do that”. The advantages being:
- when he is home from work he is totally home for days and weeks on end. He spends sooo much time with me and our kids.
- $$ they are very well paid to be away so there is no financial stress.
- it is great to know we are together because we want to be rather than NEED to be.
- when he is away i never have to compromise!! well only with the kids
loading...
For the first time in three years my partner has gone away for a week and I was looking forward to eating ice cream in front of the TV whilst watching the Lifestyle channel. Also sorting out the bathroom cupboards, etc. that I’d never normally do.
It’s now day 6 and whilst I can say the first 4 nights of said ice-cream-television-antics was fun, the novelty is wearing off now and I miss the boy!
loading...
When I was in grade 5 we were asked to do a collage from magazine cutouts of how we saw our lives in 20 years. Part of my picture included 2 houses side by side with a bridge in the sky connecting the two. It was meant to represent my husband and I living next door to each other.
As I got older each time I’d tell a family member that I was ready to move in with a boyfriend (usually do to financial reasons or some other circumstance) they’d give me a look and say “the picture”. Of course I always knew that this time was different so I’d ignore them…only to eventually find myself going through yet another breakup.
Now that I’m closer to 40 than 30 and have a young child, I decided awhile back that it was about time I listen to the girl I was in grade 5. Seems she knew the true us better as a kid than I did as an adult. I’m not sure if those relationships would’ve ended anyway. They probably would have realistically. But I know that the claustrophobia and general misery I would feel when I was living with someone sure didn’t help matters at all.
Do what feels right for you, not what ‘society’ may expect of you. Not so long ago it was expected that we didn’t live together before marriage. Now apparently it’s strange if you don’t. Funny how that works.
loading...
Met my future husband at a pub playing pool (oh dear). Discovered Princess Bride was both of our favourite movie. Have spent 13 nights apart since and hate them even when on a girl’s night out. Two adorable boys later and 10 years together….guess I go for the move in, stay in, never leave….never want to…
loading...
If you don’t mind me asking – why don’t you enjoy spending time with your friends?
loading...
I always thought Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton had the right idea with their separate houses next door to each other…
loading...
Me too!
loading...
My husband works away from home usually 4 weeks on and I don’t mind it at all…I like my own time and missing him makes the reunions that much sweeter each month!
loading...
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I just don’t know that I ever really want to find out. I love my wife’s company. Sometimes she will be in one part of the house and I’ll be in mine. We may not see each other for hours as we are doing our own things. I just find it comforting knowing that she is there.
loading...
Oh, you are so sweet Bradley. I must admit, I feel this way about having my husband around too.
loading...
I feel that way about my boyfriend too.
loading...
I fell in love with my flatmate, so we’ve never lived apart. BUT for the first 3 years we had our own rooms. We slept together every night but had a rule to respect each others space. We’ve since moved into a pokey one-bed flat for financial reasons, but to me, that was totally the best of both worlds- I still got to come home to him every day, cook dinner together ever night, but I also had the freedom to shut the door for 3 hours to watch Kardashians and Nair my ladystache. Also, CLOSET SPACE!
I get where you’re coming from, but ultimately, for my relationship, the pros of living together (even in a shoebox flat) far, far outweigh the cons!
loading...
I married my flat mate so it’s safe to say there has never been a time when I knew him that we lived apart. So the balance is still there we have our own time, I can watch what I want, the joys of two tvs. No lagging conversations either we always have things to talk about and I can say its never been about toilet paper.
I think it is important to live with a person before marriage people have more then 1 side that you need to see.
I also wonder if not wanting to move in with a person could mean more that your with the wrong person maybe. I only say that because I never wanted to move in with my ex I loved my life I could say I lived this article until I met the right person the person that makes me want to live with him.
loading...
In one of the weekend papers, I read that Cate Blanchett said, “Pack the boot of a car together. Then you’ll know if the relationship works.”
Or words to that effect. I’ve binned the paper, so can’t refer…
loading...
Good on you Kat for doing what works for you and not falling into the pressure put on by everyone else.
Personally “I don’t want to move in without the ring”. I don’t believe that you need to live with someone full time to know them properly. My grandparents and parents never did and 50 and 25 years later are still happily married.
I wonder if divorce rates have anything to do with couples living together before hand?
I love my partner. We were friends for a while, lost contact then met up a year ago and have been together ever since. Mind you he has been away for a majority of the time with the RAAF. The living together thing was discussed but as much as I love alone time, moving in and them him being deployed for 5 months defeated the purpose.
Im living at home with my parents which is the best option while I finish uni. When he returns we will spend a month or so living interstate with his family then will come home to mine. He bounces backwards and forwards from my place and the base.
He wants to buy his own home but I won’t move in straight away. I want to be able to contribute financially and I know that won’t happen until I graduate.
loading...
If u live with someone before you are married there is a 50% chance you’ll break up. So yeah, it does effect divorce rates.
loading...
I’ve heard that couples who live together before marriage have a much higher likeliness for divorce.
loading...
guess my husband and I are stuffed then
loading...
I would hazard a guess that this is because the couples who do not live together before marriage are more likely to be couples whose religious beliefs don’t permit/frown upon divorce.
loading...
YES! Thank you! No one ever points this out and it’s so frustrating.
Correlation does not equal causation people!!!
loading...
Lolly, great point. Just because my grandparents (who never lived together before marriage) are still together after 60 years doesn’t mean they are still in love and want to be together. It just means they don’t do divorce.
loading...
“I don’t believe that you need to live with someone full time to know them properly.”
From my experience, this is absolutely not true. You can’t get to fully know someone, warts and all, without living with them, but I suppose if you’ve never lived with someone, I can see how you wouldn’t understand that.
loading...
I was living with my partner before I had to move away for work. I miss living with him so much. We do see each other every second weekend but it’s not the same. We had the perfect balance of alone and together time when we lived together so I never felt like it was too much. It was just easy, so I guess I was lucky. I’m looking forward to moving back home again and not having to live apart again.
loading...
Wow well good on you for doing what makes you both happy.
I’m a tad the opposite I can’t wait for my husband to come home. It might be the fact we have 3 kids but way before that we loved being around each other, we moved in really young but as we moved towns together and for that’s what’s make t so special. We are there for each other pretty much everyday and I love it
loading...
Oooooh I have a weird one too!
I was with my partner for 4 years lived together and had a baby. When said baby was 1, we went seperate ways.
After a year of on an off, we have now been reconciled for 2 years. In this time we have not/not ready to move back in together. We have a great relationship and co-parent our child, but living together, no we just not ready for that yet. Some people call us weird, but for us it works!
loading...
I’m married with 2 kids: i would love to live on my own some of the week! I actually had a friend tell me friends were jealous of her getting separated as it meant she got time to herself!! Enjoy the best of both worlds – once you live together you really ate in each others space all the time.
loading...
Living together before getting married wasnt really the done thing amongst my friends, back all those years ago!
I see so many people living together before marriage now and I do find it sad. Many of them women in these situations settle for that and then have to wait endlessly for the proposal that never happens. My tip to my nieces who are now facing that stage of their lives is dont move in with your boyfriend! I tell them to keep your own space until its a progression based on love and committment rather than convenience.
loading...
I disagree. I think you can never truly know a person until you’ve lived with them. I think it’s best to live with someone before you get married to learn all of their traits and decide if you can handle dealing with them for the rest of your life!
loading...
I call this the ‘try before you buy’ policy! I agree that living with someone before marriage is a good idea.
loading...
Because all women are just sitting around desperately waiting for a proposal of course! I live with my partner of 6 years and have no intention of ever getting married. We live as a married couple would, so a piece of paper and a ring won’t change our committment.
loading...
I agree with Melanie and find the idea that the navigation of a relationship involves ‘holding out for a proposal’ a recipe for game playing and disaster.
I have no problem with not living together, my mother and her partner have been together for 15 years and don’t live together. They don’t because she doesn’t want to, because she likes living alone after living with other people for the first 50 years of her life.
I on the other hand went back to Big Fella’s the night I met him and we never didn’t share a house from that first day. 10 happy years later, that worked perfectly for us.
Its like sharing a bedroom. Why would one way of doing things work for every single person in a relationship? It’s madness to suggest all our relationships would have the same arrangements, its that kind of expectation that leaves people feeling they aren’t doing it ‘right’.
loading...
Having lived with my partner for over 15 years, I can only offer my complete jealousy! Don’t get me wrong, I love my boy, yet I think living apart sounds like fun. I love the idea of putting something down and it still being there until I move it. Of cleaning for one. And meeting up with your partner is a little more romantic and date-like. Of course these days, with kids in tow, it wouldn’t be practical. Ahhhh, but a girl can dream…
loading...
I’ve lived apart long term and recently (last 6 months) with my boyfriend of three years and I honestly find myself wishing for my own space the way I once had, or at least a bathroom so I can pluck, preen and stare at myself in the mirror for 10 minuets without him, generally just being there.
Having space both physically and mentally makes life easier for me as I need space, growing up with there was 6 of us and piece and quiet was a rare commodity and as an adult I crave it.
I believe we should all create our own relationship rules and do what works best for us, a relationship isn’t about your mum, your friend or what other people believe, its about two people being happy together and sometimes you need to do things you way to achieve that.
loading...
I completely understand.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. If one more person asks when we are moving in together or getting engaged I will scream.
Just because you have been together for a certain amount of years doesn’t mean that you necessarily want to take the next step.
I have friends who had been together for 5 years so they thought getting engaged was the next step but really they weren’t ready for it. Time together doesn’t mean you should be made to feel that you need to move to another level.
My partner and I are exactly the same. We love time together, but also love our space. Yes one day we will make the next step. But for now, this works for us! We just want the freedom to make our own choices. I hate the judgemental questions.
Good on you for sticking to what works!
loading...
It does get a bit exhausting, doesn’t it Essbee? I feel the same – some day soon we’ll take that step.
loading...
Yes, I can imagine it gets a bit old constantly being asked ‘when are you going to move in together?’ It’s another of those ‘milestone’ questions – you know the ones: ‘When are you finding a boyfriend … moving out of your parents’ home … getting married … having children … buying a house … getting a job, etc. etc.’
People don’t change in their desire for you to experience life and happiness in a way they can understand, so I’m afraid you’ll have to grin and bear it, and trot out the answer that covers all these questions: ‘when the timing’s right!’
Enjoy your life and your living arrangements and make any changes YOU want to, WHEN you want to!
loading...
“People don’t change in their desire for you to experience life and happiness in a way they can understand, so I’m afraid you’ll have to grin and bear it,….”
WOW! That would have to be, in all sincerity, one of the most simple yet insightful sentences that I have read in awhile. So very very true – I have to remember this for the next time my extremely well meaning family question the life choices that I have made!!
loading...
Yes! Great insight, Lizi!
loading...
“People don’t change in their desire for you to experience life and happiness in a way they can understand, so I’m afraid you’ll have to grin and bear it”
Oh wow, like guest, I am so impressed with this sentence, one of the most insightful things I have read in a long time. You are so very wise.
loading...
I love this post. That’s pretty much all I have to say.
I’m a bit of a loner by nature, and I love it. I NEED my alone time. I need time to just chill, be alone with myself, my thoughts, my books and my trashy TV. Not that I’m in a relationship at the moment, but I find this happens even with friends. If I spend an extended period of time with someone or a group of people, I crave the alone time at the end of the day.
loading...
This is me! Though i think as you’ve touched on, often people are leaving flatmate experiences or need to share costs and that kind of thing. I feel lucky that finically and emotionally we are able to live apart. It seriously is great! You never feel lonely, you know someone loves you and has your back, but you get your own time – which is VERY important to me! It doesn’t work for everyone but it’s heaven for me.
loading...
I live with my fiance, whom I have been with for nearly four years. There are days when I badly crave my own space, when I wish he wasn’t in my pocket, when I wish I could decorate MY way and eat whatever I want for dinner, instead of having to compromise on everything.
However, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love that we share all of life’s nitty-gritty. I truly believe that’s what makes you partners.
A psychologist once told me that there is such a thing as “intimacy without gravity”. It’s a type of intimacy where, sure, you talk about your day and even your plans for the future – but it doesn’t get to the guts of a committed relationship. I honestly believe that true intimacy requires living together at some stage. Shoot me, but I don’t believe you can truly know someone unless you’ve shared cleanup duty, laundry, money issues (that’s a HUGE one), different eating habits, extended family drop-ins, sickness, and learning ways to compromise and accommodate each other.
I kind of think that living apart – while great for your independence and whatnot – is a kind of “fake” intimacy. Like playing house. It allows the best of both worlds, but neither of those worlds is real, if that makes sense?
loading...
I just wanted to pipe up and say I totally agree with this comment about ‘intimacy without gravity’. I have been happy to live apart from boyfriends and partners before, but the ones I have really, truly loved, I hate even spending a night away from.
loading...
I agree with you – I definitely think that you don’t know someone until you live with them! But having your own space is important too. In my last job, I had to travel fairly regularly and I was away for about 3 days every three weeks or so. It was actually really nice for my husband and I to have some time apart to do our own thing. Now that I don’t have to travel for work, we really miss our alone time! So we both make sure that we each plan stuff that doesn’t involve the other sometimes (I might have dinner with my girlfriends, or he’ll go to the footy or a poker night) so that one of us can have a night in by themselves. It works for us
loading...
Mmmmm… no. I disagree. I don’t think that choosing to live apart makes any relationship ‘fake’. They still share a deep emotional connection, with the highs and lows, no matter if they do the dishes together or not.
loading...
Yeah, ouch! Saying it’s ‘fake intimacy’ kind of invalidates their relationship.
I’d kill my partner if I lived with her, tbh. I love my own space.
loading...
I feel the same as you! Some days I really crave ‘me’ time for the same reasons you mentioned however I also wouldn’t change it like you either!
loading...
“I kind of think that living apart – while great for your independence and whatnot – is a kind of “fake” intimacy. Like playing house. It allows the best of both worlds, but neither of those worlds is real, if that makes sense?”
Agree completely, makes perfect sense (not just this but the rest of your comment too).
loading...