I am a talker, not a writer; I am well known (maybe even famous in my very small circle) for talking. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you – I love to talk, I talk loudly, I butt in on conversations, and I just love to hear people’s stories. I want to know who, where, what and when.
I embarrass my children by talking to strangers at the bus stop or in the supermarket. I talk to the homeless guy who lives outside our local 7-11.
I am sure this was what partly attracted my husband (a man of few words) to me, and 21 years later he still likes the fact that I am the voice of our family. Even though his eyes glaze over at least 4 or 5 times a week when I am telling him something.
I get that from my Mum.
BUT……..
Since she died 14 long, long months ago after a very short and unexpected illness, the talking thing seems to have left my life along with her.
Don’t get me wrong – I still talk (it’s in my DNA) but now I chit chat, I pass the time of day, I talk when I have to. I talk (hopefully) lovingly to my children. I talk at work; I talk to my husband, brother and sister.
It’s just not the same, because I can’t really talk about how I feel, which is wretched… an old fashioned word I know but it is I how I feel.
I avoid people I see who don’t know mum died as I can’t say the words without crying and that just embarrasses them and they don’t know what to do with the 46-year-old woman in aisle 5 who can’t talk for crying.
A lot of the time I am furious with the world because everyone is going about their daily business and getting on with things and I want to scream – how can this be, my gorgeous, vibrant, funny, loving and compassionate mum is dead….
Mum was a talker, always had an opinion, but without judgement……. She taught me to be inquisitive but always compassionate. I loved her for that alone.
I still cry everyday on my own, because people don’t understand the hole she has left in my life.
I am a just get on with it kind of person (she taught me that also) ….. But that is easier said than done when I don’t have her by my side cheering me on.
The hardest thing is that the two people who understand the most about how I feel are the most difficult to talk to. My wonderful and amazing Brother and sister… because they are living this nightmare too and just trying to get through each day the best they can.
Who can you talk to, when the one person you talked to the most about everything is gone?
Julia is a working mum with two boys aged 17 and 5 (that’s a whole other story). She is originally from Scotland and has been married 21 years.
Comments
92 Comments so far
My mother passed away 14 years ago, my sister was 18, myself 22. Time does heal but there is a permanent hole in my heart. The blessing from it all is that it brought my sister and I together where we once never had much interest in each other or much in common we are now exceptionally close. Unfortunately I have had friends join our motherless club over the last couple of years and it is so difficult to see them in that pain. We joke that our mothers are up there somewhere sharing a wine and critiquing our lives with gusto. Love to all the people that have posted.
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i have no idea what i would do without my mum. She is amazing. I can say all the wrong things and just be so honest and real and raw and let everything out with her. It’s the most liberating and refreshing thing in the world. i love her.
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Just keep loving her
Julia
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I had a cry reading this as I could have written it….only about my Grandma. I was so close to her and she supported me in a way that my mother couldn’t (and still can’t). Our phone calls were something I treasured as I always came away from them feeling uplifted, loved and positive about life. I said to my Dad when she died ‘It’s so hard when the person you would normally speak to about something like this is the one who has gone’. I comfort myself with the knowledge that I was so very fortunate to experience this kind of connection with her and enjoy the non-judgemental love & support she was able to provide to me for so long.
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I am so sorry for your loss Mel, Take comfort from the great relationship you had with your Grandma, I know although I have lost my mum I am so grateful and feel very lucky that she was in my life. hugs xx Julia
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Tell the people you love that you love them. Everyday. Because life is too short, and that lesson is a hard one to learn. But if one more relationship is stronger as a consequence of hearing these stories, our love is not lost.
I lost my best friend, my mum, five weeks ago. At 51 and after only 10 days of illness, it was completely unexpected. But I always knew that she loved me, and was proud of who I was.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.
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Julia, what a beautiful post. I am also Motherless and completely relate to your pain. I often dream that I’m going to ring Mum- then wake up happy for 1/2 a second before I realise. I always want to go straight back to sleep, then. After 4 years, I am still not used to it. I don’t know how to get used to it. What I do know, though, is that unless you have lost your Mum, you don’t know the pain. My heart goes out to you. Love Love and More Love xxxxx
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Thank you Lis, sorry I didn’t reply sooner but every time I came online and read the stories of so many people going through the same thing it broke my heart.
It is comforting to get such lovely comments form people who understand. I think that has been the biggest eye opener for me, I now have much more empathy for people who have lost someone close and I am very aware that grief is an ongoing process.
much love to you and thanks again for taking the time to reply, it means a lot
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I hear ya! It’ll be 8 years later this month since my mom died suddenly from a massive heart attack. I know exactly how you are feeling and all I can say is it sucks!! Really, really sucks. I still cry and I still get that aching feeling in my heart. I still pick up the phone to call her.
But as one therapist told me, it’s like learning to live with a stool that lost a leg. A wobbly 3 legged stool. You will never find someone to fill her void, but do reach out to your brother and sister. Try and laugh. Cry a lot together. My Brother was in denial (claims he still is) but we talk every week. Not about anything in particular but just doing what we can to try and fill the void.
Wow, this was quite a ramble.
My heart goes out to you. Know that your pain is felt my so many others.. One more thing,. I try and find comfort in the fact that I’m lucky that it hurt so much to loose my mom, because that meant I had a great mom. Pity the woman who’s mom passes and she feels no pain.
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Wow, hasn’t this post generated a lot of comments and so much heart felt grief and memories of love?
I am not close to my Mum and never have been, in fact I was able to leave the UK and come to Australia because there was no close bond between us. I have always missed having a close bond and not really realised, until I read these posts, that maybe what I have missed my whole life was the unconditional love and support of my mother. I always wanted a sister, I thought this would be the sort of relationship you could have with a sister.
I now have the same bond that is talked about here with my partner and know that if anything happened to him, as it will at some future point, lets face it, we are all mortal, I will be devastated because he is my “go to” person. He is my support and the one I turn to at every stage of my day/ life for support and love, laughs and validation. We talk/ text/ email several times in a day, which is a life saver for us both, especially as he works FIFO.
I had not realised that other people give & recieve this from their mothers especially while being in a relationship and having children of their own etc. I thought I was a bit odd actually, needing to have this in my life and thought I should try to “get over it” as it made me a needy individual who was “desperate” for love etc.
Maybe not. Maybe it’s normal, I just happen to be getting this love from my partner instead of my mother. I realise I am very fortunate to be getting love of this type and quality from somewhere!
Time is a great healer and although a wildly overused phrase, I do know its truth. Grief does pass and you will be able to talk and function as you did once again, but these things do take time. Be kind to yourself.
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My Mum died 2 years ago. We used to talk 2-3 times a day (including arguments!) and I saw her at least twice a week. She was a HUGE part of my life…and then suddenly, she was gone. Since then, whenever our home phone rings, I try to get my husband or our son to answer it since I figure, what’s the point – it won’t be Mum
I can talk about her now without crying (most of the time) but I miss her everyday and feel ripped off, angry, sad just like I did when she died. I may live for another 40 years and I can’t fathom how I am going to do this with all this time not seen or acknowledged by her. Even though I have the most loving husband and family, there is a deep feeling of loneliness that is very hard to describe…and I don’t think that will ever pass.
If you still have your special people with you, be very grateful, love them and enjoy them, they can be gone in an instant.
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Wow!. All these people, all experiencing the profound loss of their mum & best friend. Five weeks after burying my stepfather we were burying my mum – she died of a broken heart both emotionally & physically. Alive one minute, dead the next. The hole that has been left is immeasurable. From talking every day, sometimes multiple times a tday to nothing leaves a loneliness that cannot be described. To know there are others who understand the feeling is comforting, someone DOES actually understand.
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WKH, i am so so sorry,that is so much to deal with.
I can understand as since mum died we are now watching my dad after 50 years of marriage slowly going downhill as no matter what we do he doesn’t know how to live without her .
lots of love and hugs xx Julia
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Reading this post was like reading something l’d actually written – l lost my Mum about 19 months ago, also after a short, sudden and horrible period where she was just really unwell and not herself, fighting cancer as she was.
I’m also a talker, as was my Mum and she was the person l always spoke to about how l was feeling and what was going on in my life. I also have a brother and sister (like l said, it’s like this is my story!) who are great and l’m close to my sister, but she’s not my Mum and can’t replace her – no one can, of course. The only way l can describe it is to say that when my Mum died, my world became a smaller place and l’m not sure that this feeling will ever go away. I too, get on with things and l don’t like to go on and on about what happened or how much l miss her, but my world won’t and can never be the same without her.
As a friend said to me, we have to accept what has happened, but we don’t have to like it. I really feel for you, but l can’t say l have any answers for you – l’m still hoping to figure it out myself
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I understand. My husband and kids just came in to find me crying and when asked why I said this just sums up how I feel. My mum died 6 months ago and I have a great support base, husband, friends and family but I just feel so alone without my mum. She was the one person I shared everything with, she understood me like no other person ever has or ever will. She cannot be replaced and she has left a gaping hole in my life and I can’t talk about that with anyone as talking about it doesn’t help. And carrying on with ‘normal’ life is so hard and draining and so very lonely.
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Gems, it is so hard, and no matter what other great relationships we have in our life, no-one can fill the void.
I am hoping as time passes it will get easier to live with but it will never go away completely.
Big hugs to you and look after yourself xx Julia
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Julia, grieving is healthy. Bottling it all up inside is not. And it’s not being kind to yourself.
I would strongly and warmly recommend a Bereavement Support Group – Google “Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement” to find a group near you. They have got the tools to assist you through this. They can’t make it better, but they can help. And they TALK.
If you are in Sydney, I know a super-fantastic grief counsellor.
Leave me a reply if you want her name and contact details.
My mum died nearly 30 years ago when I was fairly young, and I miss her every day. I DO know how you’re feeling.
Hugs…
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I often feel this way but, no one has passed away. I am 24 and live in a different state to my family which, was my choice and for the most, am happy. When my friends let me down (seems to happen often, i am told this is the age where you start to learn who the real friends are) i feel as if i cannot talk to my parents about it because i do not want to worry them. It’s especially harder now that i am single. I often feel my support network is non existant.
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I understand this completely. I lost my brother suddenly eight years ago and miss him everyday. No more phone calls. No more stories. No more fun. My heart goes out to you for so many reasons. Keep safe and talk.
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22 years ago I went through the same thing. I am also a talker (communication makes life so much better is my catch phrase), when my mum died i felt as if i had lost my best friend.
Sorry, it doesn’t seem to change, I still feel as if i have lost my best friend, oh i have semi replaced her with a daughter and a few close friends. But it isn’t the same.
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This is my worst fear……. one day when it’s a reality i will be a disaster. End of story. I hope it is a million years aways.
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I lost my mum wen I was 21 and 10 weeks pregnant. That was three years ago, and at the time I didn’t know how I would survive. My mum was my best friend and all any daughter would want from a mum. Sure we had our ups & downs, but we’d always get over it. My mum passed away for days after an aneurism in her brain. She never woke up after the rapture so I never got to say good bye. I prayed 2 god so hard to not lose my mother but it didn’t work. It was so difficult for me to grieve because I didn’t want to lose my baby at the same time. As months went by I realized I wasn’t talking about how all this affected me. I couldn’t even talk to my husband about it.
The death of a parent feels like a part of u dies as well. It’s like something has gone missing in your life & your trying to find it but can’t. You want to scream but you can’t find your voice to do so.
I close my eyes at night, hearing the sound of my two beautiful children sleeping and imagine myself running. I run to my mum & hug her & kiss her.
I feel blessed that I didn’t loses son throughout my pregnancy & that he was healthy. I know any mum out there would want their child to be happy and to live their life in a positive way. I still find it difficult to talk and prefer to keep my pain to myself.
So I hope Julia you find your voice again one day, and learn to smile and laugh and letting it be from the heart. It’s what your mum would have wanted.
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Oh gosh. I cried today on the train, I tried to hide behind my sunnies. A lovely woman sitting next to me noticed, gently put her hand on my arm and asked if I was ok and offered me a tissue. I felt embarressed but it was so kind and it ment so much & I thank that woman.
The pain I feel now is nothing compared to the loss of a parent and I kind of feel silly now, have some perspective. But I do know what it’s like to feel alone in your own turmoil.
I can’t focus on anything at work today.
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Hi guys, great post.
I don’t talk much these days either. Mainly because there is something going on in my life that is very personal, very confidential – but it’s all-consuming, and because I dont think about anything else, I don’t have anything to talk about. I’ve pushed a lot of people away because I can’t answer their questions or hide what is going on. Sorry all a bit cryptic – but I cant say much. I’m so sad
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Make sure you talk to someone,maybe a counsellor. We are not islands. Be kind to yourself.x
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I feel your pain. About 18months ago my Mum had to have an operation and as I had a small child, busy job and it was just a small op I elected not to go for the op but a few days later when she would be out of hospital. Now it all went fine but for the 1.5 days that I couldn’t talk to her on the phone I was completely lost. I realised at that point that when she does leave this earth (and may that day be a very long way off) I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. Every. Day. Not just because we talk on the phone most days but she is my ‘go to’ person when somethign good happens, when something bad happens etc. And now that I am a Mum, I understand how much she sacrificed for me and my brother. Gosh, that was all a bit more than I intended to say… Hugs Julia. x
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Thank you for sharing that SK, just keep loving her every day
Julia xx
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I wish I had the same relationship with my mum that most of the commenters seem to. We’re close in a way – she’s still my mum – but we don’t really talk much. I find her difficult to be close to, she’s a champion at back-handed compliments, and usually rings me when she wants to complain about something. I can understand in a way, but I find it frustrating – the things she complains about are usually things that are within her control (for instance, she has only worked one day a week, purely out of choice, for the last 10 years or so – but she complains about being bored, not having much to do, having no money, and wasting away her days).
I think we are just two very different people, and probably wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t family.
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Mum’s and talking, I too had a lovely, chatty, talkative mum who I miss so very much. My sister in law once lamented when she and my brother borrowed the car while visiting that the radio/cd didn’t function- no need from my prospective, I had my talkative mum as company, no need for radio! I remember mum laughing at this and so at the moment ,try to remember whose happy simple pleasures of talking on the car, over a coffee in our local cafe and around the kitchen table as I miss her, passing away suddenly in december and ending our lovely, funny chats.
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As you wrote about your mum, “Mum was a talker, always had an opinion, but without judgement……. She taught me to be inquisitive but always compassionate. I loved her for that alone.”
This was my mum too.
My sister and brother and I have bonded closer together now in these weeks after losing our gorgeous mum. And I am lucky enough to have some really close friends who I can talk to. One friend in particular who has lost both her parents has been a great source of comfort as she understands.
And most importantly I am blessed to have a 13 year old daughter who talks to me and lets me talk to her too. I hope this continues and I can be the mum to her that my mum was to me.
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My husband died in January – this is such a perfect description of how I feel now. Wretched. Spot on. Thank you so much for this Julia.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and happiness again.
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Your story breaks my heart as it describes how I feel everyday, I am lucky to still have my mum, although we live quite distance away we are close and still talk regularly, I have lost my father though, about 14 years ago, I feel I lost a part of myself that day and I also feel it is now hard to talk, sometimes the easiest of conversations can be a struggle, I have found time has made it harder for me to deal with it, the older I get the more difficult I find it, I sincerly hope you find a way to be able to talk again like you once could with your mum!
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Hi Sis, I am so proud of you that you have been brave enough to tell your story.I am so lucky that I only have to look at you to see Mum. You truly are your Mothers Daughter, with love xx
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My mum died when I was 11, that’s 27 years ago. She was here one day and gone the next – stroke from a brain tumour and we had no idea she had it. I have more memories without her than I do with her and I think of her every day. My dad died 13 years ago but spiritually he died when my mother did, life and growing up was never the same. I spent alot of time with my elder sister and moved alot until I settled with my now husband.
It doesn’t get any easier, in fact it gets harder as now I have my own children I feel it was so unfair to have her taken away from me when I was so little and she so young. She was 42 when she died, only four years older than me.
I would do anything to have her back. I feel for my children who do not have grandparents on my side and I get angry sometimes and can’t understand why both my parents are gone.
The littlest things can get me upset, a song, a memory, a smell…
Love those around you as you never know when life can change. X
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Thank you so much for sharing your stories guys. It takes a lot to do that.
Fortunately my mom is still here, I talk to her most days but I am scared of the day that she does go. She’s my best friend.
My friend lost her mother in an accident five months ago and she hasn’t been the same since. we can still talk and laugh about thins but it’s not the same. I can’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through but your stories helped me to think.
Thank you
Be strong everyone x
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Thanks Georgia, treasure your mum and enjoy every day and try not to worry about what might happen xx
Be patient with your friend and a hug goes a long way…, also give her permission to rant and cry, I think this is the hardest thing as wives, mothers, brothers and sisters we bottle things up and try to be strong for everyone else when a part of us has died with our loved one .. Julia xx
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My mum lost her mother (my nan) 10 years ago this year. She still grieves daily. Because of this I am acutely aware that one day my mum will no longer be here with me. It breaks my heart and I often get teary when I think about it but at the same time I am reminded to cherish our moments together now. Although she is depressed and highly emotional she is the most caring, compassionate and wonderful person I know. She fills my life with such happiness and she is literally my best friend. We talk about everything and I know this is what I will miss most when she is gone. I remind her everyday that I love her and I try to do what I can to make her happy everytime I see her. I truly don’t know how I will survive without her.
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I love all of these stories even though they break my heart because they are so foreign to me.
My mother and I had a very volatile, angry, jealous and destructive relationship. I slowly removed myself from her after having my own children as I knew I had to break the cycle in the desperate hope my children would think of me like you all do as your mothers. Despite the raw pain of the loss of so much, I remain mainly relieved that my mother is now dead but I grieve for my past, the hole of absence in my empty betrayed untrusting heart and the terrifying worry that I won’t cut it as a mum.
My beautiful kids are still little and loving, and we have lots of love and fun together and these gorgeous stories in this post remind me to keep driven to somehow create the same for my children, my husband and for me.
You’re all very lucky to have your hearts and lives filled with mother goodness and thank you for keeping me centred and focused for my own family.
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I am very close to my mother and speak with her every day (we live in different towns). This topic scares me – losing my mother is something that will break my heart. After reading this article, I will make sure I say something nice to both my parents to let them know how important they are to me.
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Seventeen years ago my mum died leaving a 21 and 19 year old. My dad was 49. Tonight I saw the new lung cancer ad with a young girl telling her dad about a soccer match and saying to him he should have been there – well so should have my mum. She missed 6 grand daughters (she always told the two of us girls that girls were better!) and marriage etc. Most of all she missed my sister and I growing up. And we missed her.
Somehow I escaped with enough resilience to get through (beats me how) yet my sister spent years as an IV drug user and alcoholic searching for meaning after losing her. Six years ago after a serious DUI charge she finally gave it all up and hopefully her girls won’t lose their mother just as they attain adulthood.
Do I miss her? Every day for the last 17 years – I remember when she was sick a friend’s mother told me she missed her own mother who had died some 40 years previously and it seemed unfathomable to me to grieve that long, but now I get it. Its not the first sharp crushing pain of grief later it settles into a mild ache reminding me at times that I lost what many take for granted and never realise how lucky they are. The sad thing for me is that my mother didn’t really like small children and would often say that it was okay because one spent more time with one’s children when they were adults, sadly in our case that was not true. I try and make my 3 daughters lives meaningful so that if (God forbid) somehting happened to me they would at least remember fondly.
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I didn’t want to read this when i first saw it today as i knew exactly what it would be about but decided to have a look now this evening.
I lost my dad to cancer just on ten years ago. He was 81 and i was 32. He was my everything and my “go to” person. We would sit and chat about EVERYTHING day and night and i, as his little girl, would hang on to his every word. When he died that was the first thing i noticed. No more chats with dad. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I used to sit in my parents room and just chat to him after he died. Most of it was incoherent crying and “why did you leave me”. About 6years ago when i was at my worst in my mind i stopped talking to him cause i was angry he wasn’t there to fix my problems and advise me what to do and because i was ashamed that i wanted so badly to end my life. A couple of years ago when i began to feel better, out chats resumed. I enjoy my “special” time with him. But what i would give to hear him say “it’ll be ok love, you’ll get there”… Thank you Julia for sharing your story. xx
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I’m so sorry your lovely Mum has gone. My dear younger brother died twelve months ago tomorrow, I still go to ring him when something comes up on the news that I know he would be interested in. Then I have to stop myself and that awful lost feeling hits. My sister and I are meeting up for dinner tomorrow just the two of us. it does get better as the months pass, I just wish he was still around for us to have and hold.
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I lost my beautiful precious mother to breast cancer 2 months ago. She was so young and had so much left to do. She leaves behind my dad, my 2 brothers and 7 wonderful grandsons aged 4 months to 4 years. It makes me so sad to think she won’t be beside me to share the joy in watching them grow up. Most of all it breaks my heart that they won’t really know her or remember her and yet she loved them so very much. Rest in peace precious mother – til we meet again.
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Elizabeth I am so sorry you lost your mum too. and I know how you feel I have a 17 yr old who was very close to his Grandma and has so many wonderful memories and stories to remember her by.
I also have a 5yr old son and it breaks my heart everyday that he won’t have that personal relationship but i will make sure she lives in his heart by keeping the memories he does have alive and reminding him how much she adored him.
take care of yourself Julia xx
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I was crying as soon as I read the title. I am terrified of the day that my mother will no longer be in my life.
I am so sorry that your mum has passed. I am sure she is still listening and I hope you continue to talk to her everyday!
Big Hugs and keep being brave!
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I wish I could relate to this story, mostly because you used to talk to your mum about everything. I’m sure she cherished those talks as much as you did. Unfortunately my mum died when I was 13, the years when I was an awkward teenager that didn’t want to share anything. Since becoming an adult, getting married and having children there are so many things that I wish I had said, so many apologies and stories to share. So while it still hurst, hang on to those chats that you had with her, remember and cherish them. Massive hugs to all sharing there stories of loss on this post x
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Wow. This is so honest and brave. I’m 19, and my mum is my best friend. I would cry every day, too.
*Hugs*
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I work in a funeral parlour. Would you mind if I shared your story? I think many would benefit from your journey. Blessings, strength & peace to you
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I relate to this for sure! My mum died 2 years ago of cancer when I was 22 and we were super close. We shared everything and Im a talker- I need to talk about things and hash things out. I had some boy trouble recently and I just needed to talk to my mum- a feeling I’ve had many times since I lost her. I’m close with my dad too and I spoke to him and he was great but it just wasn’t the same. I miss my mummy everyday
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Julia, everything that you are feeling is so similar to when I lost my mum, after a very very short with cancer, and three months after my (only) son was born. The inability to express how you really feel and the conversations that you wish you could have with your mum I found are the most isolating things. The anger as people go about their daily lives, taking their parents for granted was also one of the hardest things for me to deal with. The surprises when people you don’t know offering their sympathies, while heartfelt, always left me in tears and completely undone……My mother died over 5 years ago, and while her loss has, and always will, leave a great hole in my heart and my life, I can say for me, things have become easier….not necessarily better, but the grief is so much easier. You will reach a point I hope, as I did, that you will be able to think of your mum fondly without tearing up, talk about her proudly and know that you’ll be ok. This is my experience, I’m happy to say. I loved her with all my heart, she was my best friend and I know that she knew it, and that gives me great comfort. My wonderful wonderful husband I’m lucky to say has stepped in her shoes and has been an incredible support, and now is the person I talk to the most. It’s not the same, but it’s the way it is, and I know I’m going to be ok.
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This is so sad. I lost my mum over 10 years ago and I hate to say that it never stops hurting. I feel like part of me died with my mum and I will never be whole. I have married and had children but I will always be broken without her. She should be here and it makes me so angry that she is gone. I hope you can work through this a little and learn to live with your loss but there are some deaths that you will never really recover from.
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Another Jay you have put into words something I have struggled to express. My mum passed away nearly 8 years ago when I was 23 after having breast cancer. “Broken without her” perfectly describes how I still feel. Her death left me with anger and questions and a big hole in my life – not to mention two younger sisters to look after when our father kicked us out of the house. I often find myself jealous of people whose parents die when they are old even though news of a death is always sad. My whole life did a massive U turn when she died and I never got to be the same person again.
Thank you to everyone on here for sharing
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I no longer speak to my father as my mother was the person who kept our family together. My life would have been so much different had she lived and I am so jealous of people who are close to their mums and who get to share their adult lives with them. Life is unfair and crappy sometimes and I try to look for the positive in my children and husband but even that makes me sad because she should be seeing them as well. Thank you also for sharing your story CB and feel free to contact me if you need to talk.
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Can totaly relate to this. My Mum died 5 months ago and then 7 weeks later, my brother. I am finding it hard to go to work each day and talk (I am a hairdresser). The sorrow is endless. I am going for counselling but it doesn’t really help.
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Im sorry
Sometimes counselling is also a matter of timing, and finding the right person. I hope you’re okay.
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I found that I went for counselling too soon… My Mum passed away 4 years ago this July… 18 days before my 3rd bub was born. I went home with my 3 little ones .. All 4yrs and under… And was so numb that I thought being proactive and having counselling may make me feel something -anything at all. We had also lost my husband’s brother in march of the same year so my husband was silently grieving his own loss. I found the counsellor to be so full of telling me stuff that she didn’t really listen. I found it was wrong person and wrong time. I think the chemistry has to be right … This is the most personal thing you are ever going to tell anyone… The nature of your relationship with your mum and the hollow form of yourself that is left after she is gone… It is the most naked and exposed you will ever feel in front of another person as you collapse emotionally and cry big ugly heart wrenching sobs of emotion too big to express in words.. The person that u trust with all of this has to be “the right person” … I hope you find the right time and the right person and you can start your journey to acceptance and peace. My journey is still going … I expect it is the same for anyone grieving … I expect it will always be ongoing but I trust it will get easier to bear. Xx best wishes. EAB
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My mum is my best friend. She lives in a unit at the bottom of my garden, in what I call the Wendy House, and we talk every day. She has been there since the birth of my first child, now 17, and she has attended playgroup events, kindergarten events and school events. I share everything with her and she shares everything with me. She turned 78 on April Fools Day and I honestly do not know what I will do when she is no longer here, especially since I have lost my brother, my only sibling, to his jealous, possessive wife. You have only one mother. Love her.
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Your mum shares a birthday with mine! Long life and love to them both.
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I get sad for another reason completely – I never had the relationship, with my mum or my dad, where I would feel like that if either of them died. It makes me cry that I’ll never know what it’s like to have that. My sister and I have been getting closer and closer since the birth of her first child, and we have cried together about how scared we are that we’ll perpetuate this cycle with our own children.. Im very sorry for everyone here that has lost an amazing person from their lives
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Please be assured You can break the cycle and my dear mum was proof of that. She had a most traumatic upbringing, being in abusive homes until she was adopted at 7, she suffered so much in her childhood yet was the MOST amazing mum. I asked her once how she did it, and she said she just did everything opposite to what she had experienced and just loved her babies.
I miss my mum dearly too, she’s still with us but has suffered Alzheimer’s for 8 years (only 63 when diagnosed) and last year on her 70th birthday she suffered a major stroke so can’t talk anymore. Almost one year on from that I am still grateful she’s with us as we still talk with our eyes and laughter (and music) and I’m so glad I can still give her cuddles.
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I once talked a lot. I no longer speak. (unless necessary). I hate noise which includes speach, including television. Especially loud, excited speak which is how my best friend lives her life. I love her life and the one I once had, yet I can’t fathom her natural ‘shriekness’. I struggle to talk to the one person close to me, my husband. I enjoy my life of ‘silence’ yet I know it’s wrong. I think the answer is in anti-depressants, yet I have found to start these means a big set-back to the life I currently have. How do I get back to a normal life of sound? I realise this might sound freaky to some, yet a reality to others.
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Have you tried talking to a third party like a counsellor or psychologist perhaps before starting anti depressants? I feel for you, I have days like this but I cannot imagine it taking hold long term. All the best
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My mum has always been my closest confididante. She has always been the one with the best advice on boyfriends, marriage, kids, friends and life in general. It seems there is nothing that she doesn’t know at least something about and a whole lot that she is an expert on.
She has a wicked sense of humor, and nothing gave me more pleasure than making her laugh.
We could spend hours nattering away on the phone about everything and nothing, often several times a day. She has shared my triumphs and my miseries, all the while without judgement. She has been there for each and every major moment in my life, always willing to offer help if needed or an ear to listen. She is genuinely thrilled for me when I’m happy and worried for me when I’m not. She cares about all the small non-significant details in my life, we share a special language that only she and I share.
My mum turned 84 years old today. The person who I love and described above is still alive thankfully. But she is no longer this person. She has severe dementia. There is hardly any conversation now, she still knows who I am thank God, but I wonder for how long. I feel her slip a little further away from me each day, I’m losing her bit by bit.
I love you Mum and I miss you <3
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I hear you Looby. It’s a tough road isn’t it? I like you am still grateful I can still cuddle my mum and laugh with her even though she can’t speak anymore (long term Alzheimer’s but also a major stroke). Hugs to you and happy birthday to your dear mum
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My grandmother died last August. As my parents had me when they were really young, we lived with my grandparents for my first 3 years and she was always like a second mother to me.
We were close extremely close my whole life. Unfortunately she suffered from Altzheimers and really was not herself for the last 8 years of her life. At the end, she did not know who we all were and the last afternoon I spent with her she was not conscious so I just held her hand.
When she passed away, I thought that I had already grieved for not having her around to talk to like we always had but I found that knowing she was not even there to go and sit with was devastating.
I find myself missing her at the weirdest moments and reading your story made me think of her. Thank you for sharing and I hope that time helps you to heal.
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Hey Julia, my husband is Scottish and only some of his family are talkers. My Aussie family on the other hand… we never shut up! And I love it. My gorgeous amazing mum passed away peacefully just a week ago. In fact 9 days ago. We are still reeling. I miss her and am going to miss talking to her so much. I’m still in shock. So your post really resonated with me. Thank you. This is the first time I have written about my mum passing away.
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Im so sorry Loulee, I remember when my mum died as if it was yesterday and remember that sense of shock. I wish you all the best.
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My beautiful mum died just over 4 years ago. The most heartbreaking thing is that my first child was born 11 months after she died and so she never got to be a Granny, which she would have been amazing at. Also, I never got to share being a mum with her. That breaks my heart everyday. I firmly believe she is with me all the time but I wish so much that I could have 1 hour with her to see her with my 2 darling children
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I have this too Ellie and it’s so unfair. I would give almost anything to see my mum for just 5 minutes. She has been gone over 10 years but the pain never goes away.
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I understand exactly how you feel. For me it was my nan and aunty who i lived with when growing up. It has been 5 years since I lost my aunty and 3 since I lost my nan. It has not gotten any easier for me. I talk more to my husband and best friend but there are things I still just need to tell my aunty and nan. I speak to them daily. My family think I am crazy when i stare at the roof and talk. I know they are with me. I feel their presence. And that is what gets me through each and every day of my life of raising my beautiful boys.
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