Some people have some trouble moving on. It happens. But after 6 years? Really? So it is for one MM reader whose fiance's ex girlfriend is still rather involved in not just his life but the life of his family and friends….
Angela* writes:
If this has already been covered please let me know, but I have a feeling there may be many MM readers that can relate! My issue is with my fiance's ex girlfriend. They broke up about 6 years ago and were together for about 5 years.My issue isn't about him wanting her or vice versa, she is married with a child and we are getting married soon, but what I get annoyed with is how she still seems to be a part of our life in little ways. She still contacts his friends and family which in itself I don't have a huge problem with, ok maybe just a little one!
But she'll talk about us and has actually rung me in the past telling me about a dinner she had with my fiance's brother and how she knew all about what we were up to. She writes all over our friends' and his family's Facebook pages (she added me as a friend a while back so I see it all) and sometimes I don't know why I get so annoyed.
I've often wondered if our friends (originally my fiance's friends) and his family have ever stopped and thought about how it makes me feel.
I know she spent 5 years with them, but I always thought part of breaking up was to maintain a respectful distance etc.
For a short period she worked where I used to work and someone asked me about my fiance's family. She started answering for me and telling our colleague all about his family. I got so pissed off that I just walked off.I know rationally that all this shouldn't matter, but I still can't help getting the shits everytime I see something on Facebook or hear about her trying to catch up with my fiance's friends.
Maybe the MM readers can offer some advice, or kick my butt and tell me to snap out of it!
Comments
48 Comments so far
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I wish this post wasn’t so old as in going through this at the moment and could use some advice as even after just having a baby I’m considering leaving my partner because I just don’t wanna feel like I’m the problem and like an outsider anymore
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While I have only been with my partner for around 5 months, his ex and a past sexual fling of his are still a huge part of our lives. His ex is a lovely girl, and i’m sure that under different circumstances we could be great friends. Maybe.
One of my close (not so much now I suppose) friends had a fling with him before he and I got together. I suspected as much and didn’t really mind. What has hurt me is that when I told this friend of mine that I liked him, and that we were together, she didn’t seem happy for me. I know it’s such a small thing but I suppose you expect a friend to be happy for you when you are happy. From there she’s been completely awful to me, making snide comments implyling that they have a past, but never actually telling me.
In the end he told me one night while he was drunk and I told him I didn’t mind, which I didn’t. I suppose I do now, but more because we’re going through a rough patch and he’s done things like ignoring me and walking straight past me to talk to this person who he has a history with. It sort of upset me.
I do think that exs can be a part of your life, and i certainly hope that my current partner can remain a part of my life if it doesn’t work out.
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This is unacceptable. She needs to move on with her life and stay away from yours. Delete her from FB and ensure that yr fiance does the same. If friends or family mention her just change the subject nicely and vaguely. Behave as tho she is not part of yr life (which she shouldn’t be) and a non-issue and that is the result that will be achieved. You’re perfectly normal feeling annoyed and more about this but take control now. It’s obvious that you need to, so do it now.
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This is crazy. I would be very annoyed and angry with this, because it sounds a lot like she isn’t over him. Talk to him, say you feel uncomfortable with her being so much a part of his life. If you don’t say anything and stew over it, it will only get worse.
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I feel your pain…My fiance has an ex of a year and a half they were together 12 years off and on…now they are best frinds, only 5 months ago the ex asked my fiance to take her back and 4 months ago posted on facebook that my fiance has her heart and always has…we fight all the time about the ex…please a little advice on how to handle
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I am not sure how old this post is, I just skimmed the top however, my advice would be this: The ex needs to back off, and you need to draw a line in the sand with your partner. Ask him to think about how he would feel if you had another guy in your life who was that close to you.
Sounds to me as though neither of them are ready to move on and you need to ask yourself if you want to be the rebound girl for your partner as he and his ex play these stupid emotional games.
They both sound insecure to need each other so much. If you do fight about it all the time and it is a large problem for you that he fails to see, then you may need to move on from him because playing two women off on each other is sad, pathetic and incredibly insecure.
Just tell him, he can have her as a best friend, but that means he does not want that close relationship with you. There are plenty of GREAT single guys out there.
My partners ex still has contact with his family, it does not upset me, I just find it weird and a little desperate which I expressed this and funnily enough it annoys my partner too.
Your problem is that your partner is entertaining her ridiculous behavior so you need to stand up and walk away and the hurtful part is he may just choose her but good riddance I say.
People who fail to learn from their last relationship and still maintain that close bond yet they could not make it work as a couple have an inability to move on and entertain new and exciting chapters in their life.
Good luck with it.
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Not sure if anyone will see this as it’s an old post, but I think if a relationship ends in a non-nasty way, if you have been in someones life for 12 years I don’t think it’s odd to stay in touch?
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Hi anonymous! I ended my first serious relationship in a mutual agreement way
and my ex and I kept in touch for a couple of years following that breakup. We both weren’t in serious relationships at that time. We would just send each other emails every 6 months or so because we still cared about each other as friends with a common past. Then one day, he sent an email saying his gf was pregnant and that they were getting married and after that he closed all his email/facebook accounts and I never heard another word. It didn’t really bother me as we didn’t communicate that often anyway but I still find it strange. The only reason I can see is that his new wife thought that I was a nuisance to their union…a bad memory. Though i know we were over each other way before she arrived in the picture, I totally understand her predicament… I think I would also feel uneasy about an ex-girlfriend of my man if she had been so important in the past (i.e spent several years with him and shared genuine love). Another weird thing is that I am still in ontact with his brother and sister. Sine then I have had my own child with my loving partner and couldn’t be happier but luckily his previous important relationship ended badly!!! lol
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The hard thing about people still seeing exe’s for my is an issue of boundaries…everyones are different and its easy to get hurt and to hurt. My man still has a woman in his life who he has only just told me is an ex… I feel betrayed. They’ve been having this wonderful friendship and they get on so well I have asked him on a number of accassions why they didn’t hook up and ythe response has always been that she was too old for him, if she was younger they probably would be together. I’ve met her, she is lovely but I’ve laways sensed something between them. And I’ve always questioned why he doesn’t catch up with his great friend that he talks so fondly of. I’ve evn told him he’s a bad friend because she lives around the corner and then as soon as we kooked up he stopped playing golf and cycling with her.
One night when we were out and after a few drinks it came out. At first he said they slept together about 6 times all up about 2.5 years ago. Now it turns out they were together for two months 6 months before we got together. She was falling in love, he wanted kids and someone his own age. Sher is 15 years older than him and 20 years older than me…and appart from being a very happy fun person she looks like Julianne Moore and is freakishly good looking.
We I first got together with my b/f it was a month before Xmas. He invited her to her family lunch but not me and I was devastated… by the time he asked me I had made other plans…they spent the morning cooking together in his house…
I trust that nothing has happened between them since we have been together but I can now see that she still fancies him and is being his friend because she doesn’t want to lose him completely and he hasn’t being seeing her because of guilt. He knows she still really likes him. My partner works up north and they talk on the phone…
I feel threatened, jealous and like asking him millions of questions.. I don’t know what are reasonable boundaries but I feel betrayed…what else hasn’t he told me about?
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As someone who comes from a family where exes tend to become friends and no one really disappears, this probably wouldn’t get to me, except for the part about her speaking on your behalf – that’s just plain rude. However, I don’t think you should just “get over it” because obviously this bothers you, so you have to figure out a course of action for dealing with it.
I don’t think the ex, your fiance or his family are doing anything wrong in having an ongoing relationship. Years ago, when I broke up with my fiance, the most devastating aspect was losing the mother-in-law to be. I adored her and she adored me, but there wasn’t anything amicable about my break up so I couldn’t really stay in contact with her. But sometimes break-ups aren’t messy and it’s just life. And if you were friends before, why not be friends now. For you, I guess this means focusing on the fact that your fiance loves you now and you are his priority. She doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, so don’t let her bother you. I do think this woman has some boundary issues though, so I’d probably talk to her about that if the time arose. And does your fiance know your feelings? maybe you should have a talk about it. Even if nothing changes, you might feel better.
Hope this dilemma ceases to be one for you soon.
Kelly
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I became friends with my husband’s ex. I love her. She’s a great woman. In fact she and I call each other more than my husband and her do. I’ve never felt threatened and I think if your man can remain friends with an ex that’s a really good sign of maturity.
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I think your situation is quite unusual and your advice somewhat misguided. I don’t think any marriage where a husband tells his wife “if you don’t respect the relationship with my ex, you can pack your bags” is worth being in. Not to me at least. And to refer to your ex’s current partner is ‘someone new’ is a horrible attitude. A new partner/wife is not ‘someone new’ but ‘the one and only’.
I would not be in my marriage if my hubby had an ex who referred to him as ‘my rock’, felt they knew each other better than anyone and relied on each other still. Sounds like you are still emotionally married to each other, just don’t want to sleep together.
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That ex is hanging on for her dear life. She just needs to let go. I think in this situation, your fiance should speak to his family and tell him her continious involvement is making life harder for you and him. I am sure they will condsider his and yours feelings first over hers. If they must continue to enjoy her company, they should do it discreetly. Of course, there should be no question of her calling YOU to discuss your and your finance’s life. She is crossing boundaries.
This is nothing to do with your insecurities. It is completely natural to feel uncomfortable to have so much involvement with the woman he used to sleep with, kiss with, share the most intimate things…
This all smacks of emotional bullying. I completely agree with Squeak. She IS trying to assert herself like the most powerful female. It is like she is saying “I might have moved on and have a family, but you are not allowed to move on”. How would she feel if your fiance begins to call her husband, show up at their family events, contact his friends? It is completely up to you to decide what bounadries you should draw around yourself and your family. Understand what exactly is unacceptable to you (her calling you? her butting in during converstations about YOUR family? Your relatives divulging personal information about you to her?), and once you are clear what you are uncomfortable with, let people know. Be firm and protect your boundaries. That’s how you build self-esteem and confidence in your relationships with others, not by avoiding confrontation.
And for goodness’ sake, block her on Facebook!
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Omg can I just say ditto to this woman’s story. Well most of it, mine may be a lil worse. There are no kids involved, but a morgage and a house is. My partner and his ex were ‘together’ for 10 years, within 2 yrs together they did not share a room, were not intimate and did not spend quality couple time together (as confirmed by family, not just bf tails to make me feel good). He felt locked because of the house and a messy divorce between his mum and dad. Everyone was relieved when they split. However, this woman has no idea. She still makes surprise visits to all family members. Still comes to public holidays, christmas’s, new years day, birthdays etc. She posts all the time on my partner’s sisters facebooks comments on their kids like ‘my babies’ or ‘so glad I’m their aunt’. She even seeked out family memembers of his who she met once just so she could attach herself to his family. People he hasn’t seen in years. She does things like buys surprise girfts for family members and asks to be paid back in small installments over large periods of time. She talks to his family members about how wrong I am for my partner and how much he spoiled her life.
If that isn’t bad enough, he hates her. He really wants her out of his life, but she isn’t getting the hint. During the r/ship she was really emotionally, psychologically and verbally abusive. Everything from discussing private issues, teasing his appearance, parking in his car before starting arguements or going to family events and then starting arguements. She was terrible and everyone in his family say theyre glad theyre not together. But why is she still around??? My bf even gets panic attacks when he sees her, that’s how terrible she is.
We’re now hitting our 2 year anniversary and last weekend his mother FINALLY told me, that she will write her an email and ask her to no longer attend family events and cease contact as it is no longer appropriate. It’s taken a really long time but it’s happening. I think it’s best coming from another family member to say it is no longer appropriate. It’s not me looking like a jealous gf, it’s not him looking like the spiteful ex, it’s a family member saying sorry you are no longer a part of this family, we’d all like to move on. I think it holds power and certainty.
If there are no kids I see no reason for ex’s to hang around if they are distructive to r/ships.
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Be friends with her, fine.
I think Angela’s ex-lady is a bit different – butting in to answer the colleague about the family, and ringing to tell Angela about the dinner party…to me, this smacks of this woman trying to assert herself as the dominant female, trying to stamp herself on the territory, so to speak. It sounds to me like she’s really not ready to let go of the relationship, but can’t get back with them man, so she’s trying to insinuate herself into the family. Just my opinion.
So yes, you can be friends with the family if you must, but be a bit sensitive about the new lady in the ex’s life. She has a right to feel comfortable and secure. I think this ex’s behaviour is quite thoughtless and rude.
There’s an old saying: Wives don’t like old girlfriends. In my opinion, wife trumps old girlfriend.
It’s a hard and fine line to tread.
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I also thought this post could be about me! I am the ex girlfriend who is still friends with my ex’s Mum. I honestly have absolutely no wish to have anything more than a polite, minimal contact with my ex. I am married to someone else, who I love completely and really wish my ex well with his new girlfriends (there have been more than one as it’s been 5 years now).
She is such a wonderful lady, she is really like my Mum too. She has been wonderfully supportive to me, and I lived with her for a time. I really see the relationship as seperate to the fact that I dated her son a long time ago. It may sound selfish, but why should I lose this wonderful lady from my life because her son’s partner is insecure? I think it’s selfish of them!
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Ok – I’ve seen it from (kind of) both sides – I was with a guy who had a girl friend who wile she wasn’t his ex, she had known him and wanted to be with him for over ten years, was friends with his family, always there created HUGE problems for us because he couldn’t/wouldn’t see that no, her taking her shoe off and running her bare foot up and down his leg during dinner in full sight of my work collegues during a dinner meant she liked him and was NOT ok…on the other side I have an ex who I have kids with and he is still my family, my parents still treat him as such and I’ve had bf’s that are ok with it, and bf’s that aren’t as much and get enourmously jealous, but the thing is, I’m not with HIM i’m with THEM…it’s a tough situation…best of luck.
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Man, if your fiance doesn’t talk to her and she doesn’t talk to him, then he is at least sending a clear message that she is in his past. Hide her facebook feed (click in the right space where her comments are and a HIDE button should appear, click that). And take charge of your personal space. Tell her politely what is not Ok for you and that should be that. It seems that you felt a little powerless about this which made you upset and angry. Once you take back your space and take focus away from her I think this will make you feel a lot better and she will probably fade away if she is at all intelligent. Good luck!
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Thanks everyone for their help! Just to clarify my fiance doesn’t talk to his ex and she doesn’t contact him just his family and friends. I really appreciate all the advice and it has given me a lot to think about. But of course more important is our upcoming wedding and life together, so that’s what I’ll be focusing on! Thanks again!
And thanks Mia for letting us all share, MM Group Therapy really is the best therapy of all!
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You are absolutely right to not feel comfortable about this. You’re not jealous or neurotic at all. It’s about boundaries and moving on with life which she, clearly, has not been able to do or doesn’t want to do. She needs to focus on her own life, her family and her partners family and friends and leave you and your fiance’s alone. There is something wrong with this woman as she obviously does not have any understanding of protocol or getting on with her life.
Delete her off your Facebook without saying anything and if she mentions it act dumb. Organise gatherings with your fiances’s family and friends and do not invite her. Do this frequently and they will all gradually realise that she is not part of your life nor needs to be. Don’t mention it if anyone asks, just answer vaguely that she must have been busy with her family and friends.
You need to make changes NOW but without making a drama or issue of it. You be smart and tactical about this. I am speaking from experience if it’s an issue now which it naturally is, it’s only going to get worse so take action immediately.
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Angela, I am on the other side of this coin. I am still best friends with my ex, six years after we broke up. We dated for five, were very close before we started dating and so resumed that after our mutual split. I also remain in contact with his sister and we share a large group of mutual friends. We have both moved on. My current partner of two years has also come to regard him as a great friend but I’m sure his partner does not like me…females tend to be instinctively wary of other females sniffing around their turf. How you feel about your partner’s ex is probably how she feels about me and I think it’s unfair. It’s a source of great distress to me actually. The thing is, he knows me in every sense a person can know another so he is a real rock in my life. We’ve seen each other through great highs and lows and to have someone new try and push me out of his life is hurtful. We have always said that a partner who does not respect our friendship can pack their bags. So be careful how you tread with this. You don’t have to like her but you do have to respect that your partner does. treat her just like any other friend because that’s how he sees her. do NOT make him choose because you may not like the outcome. Perhaps she is subconsciously acting like the ‘alpha’ chick, she was there first, she knows him better, etc, and I can understand that would be frustrating. but the best you can do is whinge to your girlfriends, perhaps mention it to your fiance if she really starts pushing boundaries, but just try and accept her as part of your life now and maybe eventually you can even be friends. If my (at times very jealous) boyfriend can look past it, I’m sure you can. Good luck!
PS…just an added thought. I have tried to be friends with several exes and this is the only one that stuck. why? an amicable split with no hurt feelings or mistreatment, just two people who needed to experience life without the other. if their break-up was nasty, she may have ulterior motives. and that’s a whole other ball game!
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I think some people don’t realise that they are in your face. I had an ex, whom i have mentioned before in this blog, we broke up and he tortured me. BUT one afternoon i came home to find that my mother had been chatting to him on the phone. I hit the roof at both of them. I told him you don’t want me you don’t get my mum END OF STORY!! and if you don’t like it tooo bad. Try to talk to them about it when you are not cranky but make it clear that you are feeling a little superfluous in your own life. It’s a little like having your newspaper read to you by someone while you are cooking breakfast, maybe you’d like to sit down an do it yourself.
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My husband’s ex recently turned up to his work with her husband and their new baby … just to introduce him to the new baby – as you do?! We’ve been married for five years and together for three before that so there’s been a lot of time between girls … strange.
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I’d like to offer some advice from who could be seen as the “ex-girlfriend”. Except I’m not. Basically, my best friend is a guy, and I am naturally friends with all of his, and his family adore me. His last girlfriend used to get really jealous and annoyed about my presence. I wish that she could see that I was, in no way whatsoever, around just to steal him from her. In the end she confronted me, called me a relationship ruining slut and then refused to talk to me. I didn’t tell my best friend about all of this, but he eventually guessed because I was always making up excuses as to why I couldn’t see him or his family because she was getting so annoyed. When he asked her about it she got mad and they mutually ended the relationship.
All I’m trying to say is that you have no reason to get mad- she was a huge part of his life and still is, but only as a friend. Concentrate on your relationship with you man, and even try becoming friends with her? It would make life so much easier!
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some SPACE between his X and your life …. in my opinion, your man needs to tell her to back off (in a nice way).
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Wow, i was reading your post nodding along in recognition and understanding! My husbands ex has stuck around for years, they were together 6 or 7 years ago for about a year all up (they broke up and got bak together several times). He has no contact with her now but she still regularly contacts his parents and sister, to the point where his mum would babysit her two children while shes at work!! She gets her kids to call my inlaws nana and pa,, and she even got them to call me aunty which at first i put up with but eventually put a stop to.
Its not just that shes the ex that bothers me, if she was a nice and genuine person it would be totally different, but she is and always has been very manipulative and two faced, a drama queen who constantly caused scenes at our family events and i could never understand how they could turn a blind eye to what she is really like, wen other people would see her true colours straight away.
In the first year or 2 of our relationship i put up with her being there and raged inside silently at every family occassion she made a scene at and every time she rocked up at his parents house using her (admitedly adorable) children as her ticket in. Hubby knew how i felt but even he could never get thru to his parents about her. In every other aspect i get on splendidly with my in laws and like u i always used to wonder why they never stopped to wonder how i felt about the ex still being so active in their family! Eventually, in the week before our wedding she turned up at my in laws house while we were there because my Sister in law was home from interstate for our wedding,, and she had a massive tantrum and blew up at hubby for being rude to her and treating her like crap and ignoring her and not inviting her to our wedding- while her partner and kids waited in the car becos theyd been about to leave – and wen i expressed my disgust his mother and sister stood up for her yet again!! It was at that point that i lost my shit completely and cried and hollered ( i dont do it often, especially in public, it was the result of 3years pent up frustration and despair!). My in laws were stunned, finally got the message and agreed that her behaviour was out of line,, and since then they have seen alot less of her, well at least they dont mention her to us anymore, and i feel as though a massive weight has been lifted!
Sorry for the massive story, but my advice is that if her presence bothers you then theres no point trying to ignore it or get over it because it wont happen and you will stew over it everytime she appears, i think you need to tell your fiance and his family + friends how you feel, you cant control how they will react but just having your feelings known will make u feel alot better!!
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OMG Angela – this would drive me INSANE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would want to smack her down …. if they don’t have a child together I can think of no reason that she needs to remain in close contact.
Once I have broken up with someone I don’t want to see them, their family or their friends again & I don’t want to know anything about what they are doing! I think that has alot to do with my propensity to want to ‘block out’ the past. I have been struggling with the fact that my recent X is mates with my brother … which I don’t want to change …. but I don’t want to deal with either ! So I don’t know how you deal at all.
This is not something you need to snap out of, I think you need to let your fiance know how you feel – I don’t think you are being unreasonable in asking for some between his X and your life …. in my opinion, your man needs to tell her to back off (in a nice way).
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Tell her to get lost! Unless you communicate your feelings she will never back off.
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Wonderfull answer I cannot have put any better then you, lots of wisdom in them , especially the sping cleaning ,love ooxx
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I am another one of those girls who are friends with their exes. Actually, I am friends with most of them! I just don’t think its that big a deal… but thats just me and obviously reflects that I’ve never had an issue like this…
It seems to be, from what you’ve said, that you’re actually more irritated by her relationship with your fiance’s family and friends than with her relationship with him. I completely understand that this is awkward, uncomfortable, and can be infuruating. But I don’t think you should feel threatened by it – as someone else said, you’re the one marrying into the family. This aspect of your issue I think you can put down to her being a bit of a control freak and not being propared to let go. And thats entirely her problem and not yours.
Oh, and block her on facebook. It will be a weight off your shoulders – out of sight out of mind as they say! Go into your ‘All Friends’ list, and then when the list come up, click on the big ‘X’ on the right hand side of the screen corresponding to her name. So cathartic. Maybe also do a little ‘ritual’ when you’re doing it say ‘I’m not interested in knowing or hearing anything about you, or having you in my life. Good luck’ and then click the button with a flourish! Gone!
Best of luck, and enjoy your upcoming wedding!
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I think you need to try to not let this bother you. Yes they used to be together but now they are just friends – and I’m sure you wouldn’t like your partner telling you who you can and cant be friends with. Are there actually deeper issues here like you don’t think his family likes you as much or you dont connect with his friends? If you give 5 years of your life to a relationship not everyone can just cut that person and their family when they break up. Having said that I am not friends with any of my exes – but I know people who hang out regularly with theirs (including the new partners) and it all works fine. I know its easier said than done but try to let it go if you can. Its only going to eat you up otherwise.
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I wouldn’t like this at all. I know it’s easy to say snap out of it, but this seems like a little passive/aggressive power battle. And I’m sorry but how would your partner feel if you had an ex boyfriend that behaved in this way??!?!? I bet I know the answer.
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Please excuse the typos
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OMG, after reading the first paragraph I thought this post was about me!!! Same time line, etc. But it’s not. I am an ex-girlfriend who is still inlvoled in the lives of their ex’s family. When we were together, I was quite close to them and just because he didn’t want to be with me, it doesn’t mean that his family felt the same way. I don’t have anything to do with him anymore, but I still regularly see his parents, sibling and cousins (whom I was friends with before we were together). While I understand Angela’s frustration, expecially about being called, I also see where the ex-girlfriend is coming from. 5 years is a long time to be with someone and you do form bonds with their family members and friends. I don’t think it’s fair that just because one relationship breaks up, all the associated ones have to end also. Because it’s possible that that they account for a lot of their friends, too. It’s hardly fair that they should back off from those people they have grown to love, when it may be the time they need them most. I received a great deal of support from my ex’s family in terms of finding somewhere else to live, moving, etc. I am forever grateful that they were understanding of the relationship being over, but were mature enough not to ‘take sides’ and be there for both of us (separatly of course).
I also understand that it’s not very fun for subsequent girlfriends, and as I have nothing to do with my ex, I wouldn’t dream of having anything to do with their new partners. I think the phone call Angela mentioned seemed a little odd. Good luck with your wedding Angela!
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I agree with Jil to a certain extent. Block her on FB if you don’t want to know about her comings and goings, if you don’t want to deactivate all together.
I can understand your jealousy, i think being told to just get over it is a bit harsh. It’s very easy to sit at a computer screen and type this, in reality, not so much.
Sorry I don’t have any real constructive advice to offer you, I would mention your discomfort to your fiance – but try not to make too big a deal out of it. I’m happy my husband doesn’t have anything much to do with exes and that the major ones don’t live in the same town as us, I’m a bit of a jealous person too.
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I’m still involved a bit with my ex’s family but its a bit of a different situation. My ex and I broke up a year and a half ago but we’re at the same church. He is my brothers friend. Also, my brother is dating his sister so our families are still connected in that way. And his brother’s fiance is one of my friends who is in bible study with me. And my boyfriend coached the soccer team my ex played for.
Close family ties there. He still acts awkward around me though. I think it bothered him a bit but from my perspective, they are my friends, it is my church, my life. I am not going to give up everything I normally do just because it might be slightly weird for him. It’s not like I’m going out of my way to involve myself in his life, because, to be honest, I have better things to do than bother with trying to annoy him and I really just don’t care that much. I act as I normally would. If she was hanging out with these people for 5 years, then that is kind of normal to continue doing that. There is a difference between respectful distance between ex partners and then extending that to everyone associated with that person.
It would have been impossible for me to distance myself from everyone my ex and I were mutually associated with, including his family. His awkwardness/discomfort about me was his problem and I wasn’t going to change everything about my life to ease his problems that had nothing to do with me.
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Admittedly Angela – I’d hate this if it were my situation, so I feel for you. How long have you and your fiance been together? Has the subject on the ex ever been discussed? Having said that, the problem doesn’t sound as though it’s with your fiance. I have a feeling that, even if he cut all ties with her, his family would still be involved, and she would make sure that she kept in contact with them anyway. I don’t know her, so can’t judge her, but perhaps she’s just a friendly girl who isn’t great with boundaries. I think the most important thing is to talk to your fiance about the fact that it makes you uncomfortable that personal information is being shared with this girl. HE might not be sharing it, but his family might be (and they may think the info they’re sharing is innocent and may not realise it bothers you), so your fiance really needs to address that with his family. But you also have to ask yourself if you want this turned in to a big thing. When my husband and I were dating, a couple of things were brought up to his family that bothered me, which caused some friction (which we all eventually got over) for a while. You have to ask if it’s worth it. He loves you, he wants to marry you, so perhaps this situation will just ease in your mind after a while. Especially if you have children and the like. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if eventually this seemed like no big deal to you. Good luck!
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I wonder how her husband feels about her constant contact with the ex’s family?
I’ve been there Angela, in so far as my MIL talks about my Hubbies former wife a fair bit and how wonderful she is at doing certain things…even though former wife is a real piece of work… and walked out on husband and kids.
Anyway…I ignore it and usually walk off when she starts on about things. As others have said here, if this is really pissing you off, it’s time to say something and let your feelings be known…but do it in a very calm way…then you have to move on otherwise it will consume your life and all you’ll end up doing is thinking about it all the time (as I did at one stage) instead of just living your life. Do not let it get the better of you.
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I agree! I was actually quite relieved when my ex and I had a huge fight. It meant that I didn’t want to see him anymore. Meaning that I could keep my current man happy. Not that he told/asked me not to see him, but I knew he didn’t like it!
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Off topic, but totally agree. I found myself getting really worked up over little facebook things – my SIL would post how she and MIL came down to sydney for the day, but they had not told us or got in contact, and I’d get really pissed off. Always felt like I was missing out on things that I just didn’t really care about. So deleted the account, and do not miss it at all. I figure if we are friends we will talk in real life, and if we don’t…then are we really friends?
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I cant offer any advice, sorry. All I can say is that you have him and she doesnt. Hope this helps!
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Maybe you’ll find that you can deal with her more easily if you’re not always hearing about her on facebook? The first thing I would do is deactivate my facebook account. I know that might sound a bit over the top but doing this really helped me when I kept getting upset and/or angry over and over again by reading an ex-friend’s facebook posts (they didn’t say anything upsetting but just seeing his posts was enough!).
I know facebook can be great fun (and quite addictive!) but since I closed my facebook account I’m so much happier on a day-to-day basis. I’ve just gone back to communicating with my friends in the same way I did before facebook. I don’t really need to know every little detail about what they’re doing, and the main thing is that I’m happy not knowing what a certain ex-friend is up to!
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I think she needs to realise that there needs to boundaries, I don’t know how you could communicate this to her? If I were you, I would definitely talk to your fiance about it. I would also be pretty pissed if my fiance’s ex butted in and answered questions about my fiance’s family. Thinking about what would motivate someone to behave like that, I would say that at that time she had not let go of your fiance and his family. Some of my fiance’s family members bring up his ex in conversation and it really erks me, I feel excluded when they start talking about her. I think your reactions are totally reasonable and natural, so don’t add to your angst by beating yourself up for the way you feel. I think the only people that would feel comfotable with the way she is behaving are the people that would behave in a similar way.
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hi there. that’s tough. there are some situations in life where i’ve heard my inner thoughts yell “aargghhhh i wish they would just disapear!!!
but i would suggest you deal with it. if her facebook comments get to you. delete her as a friend. or hide her feed.
it’s not healthy for you to see it.
find the time to tell her and your partner that you dont want to see/be reminded of her all the time.
the friend thing is one thing. but it would drive me up the wall if my partners family was in touch with his ex. yuk.
like other people have said. you probably need to snap out of it. but at the same time let your thoughts be known… the responses might be good for you to hear.
one of the things i didnt like that you mentioned is her ringing you up telling you she knows whats going on in your life. i dont know the context/details. but in situations when you feel uncomfortable… let it be known. it can be done politely “hey annoying-ex i appreciate your call but im not interested in having a relationship with you, or recieving calls from you”. be direct. the call brother and say “hey fiances brother… would you mind not telling annoying-ex about our lives… i really apprecaite my privacy”
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how does your fiance feel about it all? tough situation, i know i would probably be pissed and jealous actually, especially when she butted in answering questions about his family. i think she needs to learn her place and have a bit more respect for you. i wonder how your fiance would feel if you had so much to do with an ex after 6years.. when my ex and i broke up, i spoke to him a little bit until it started causing tension between my new partner and i. i then stopped talking to my ex because my new priority is my new bf not an old one. i dont think u can control how much he contacts his friends and family but you definitely have the right to talk to your fiance how you feel
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Weeeell, I can relate. My partner’s ex is still around in my life too. They have a child together, so this is for life! Initially, she really bugged me: ringing in the wee hours of the morning, and taking privileges that are reserved for close family only. Over time my annoyance settled but what I came to realise was it really wasn’t her but me who needed to do a bit of inner spring cleaning. I am trying to soften my opinion on your issue: I believe that when an ex (who is not a psychopathic stalker a la Sharon Stone) is still around and it drives you nuts, really you have to look at yourself. What does she represent to you that troubles you? It’s uncomfortable looking at yourself like this, but if you want to be free of her power over you, it’s the only way. Good luck.
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Maybe she just likes feeling like she’s popular, or still ‘needed’ by his family?
In any case, snap out of it. He’s your partner now. Move on and focus your energy on your relationship here and now.
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