Monty
by MONTY DIMOND
Is there an expiry date to calling our partners “Boyfriend” or “Girlfriend” once we reach a certain age? I’ve been in a relationship for eight years with the same man and last year we welcomed our first offspring (a baby boy who we are rather fond of).
In between getting together and spawning a child there hasn’t been any wedding bells. I am completely aware we bought a one way ticket straight to hell for having our child out of wedlock but we are both ok with this.
Marriage has never been part of our plans… we have discussed it a few times but never felt the need to actually tie the knot. We are rather content in our ringless relationship. For the last eight years we have proudly called each other ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Girlfriend’ and this has worked brilliantly for us.
I never gave it a second thought… until I turned 30 and became a mum. Now that I am all grown up and real mature, calling Sam* my “boyfriend” doesn’t seem to fit anymore . (*I will refer to my boyfriend as Sam…because that is his actual name.)
Because we are raising a child together it seems like we need a title that makes our relationship sound a little more solid. Boyfriend gives the feeling that at any moment his best mate might tell me I’m dropped and ask me to return his Green Day CD.
The worst part is getting the pity look from people when I introduce Sam as my boyfriend. The “Oh you poor bitch, he’s knocked you up and won’t marry you” look.
We have started to flirt with some other names hoping one will begin to feel right.
‘Partner’
The obvious choice for most couples living in sin but it feels very formal to me. Almost like we are running a business together. Partner can also refer to a same sex relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with people assuming I’m a lesbian, but it’s not ideal for Sam’s masculinity.
‘Baby Daddy’
Technically this is what Sam is. He is the daddy of my baby. However I am far too white to say “baby daddy” and be taken seriously.
‘Life Partner’
I may have just done a little vom in my mouth after typing that. This title is intense and makes me feel uncomfortable. Even a tad claustrophobic. Not even a slight possibility.
Romantic, no?
‘De facto’
This feels even more formal and business like than Partner. You can’t roll over in bed, gaze tenderly into ones eyes and whisper “I love you my de facto”. The romantic music would screech to a violent halt. It simply doesn’t flow.
‘My Better Half’
Said with an English accent this is very sweet, loving and romantic. Said with an Aussie occa accent it is boganic and sarcastic. Unfortunatly Sam and I don’t sound like Hugh Grant so we would tip the bogan scale using this title.
Katie “Monty” Dimond is a broadcaster and media personality. She has appeared on Channel Ten, Channel Nine, and Nova FM. She is currently busy being a full time Mum to her one year old son and will feature in a new ABC comedy series with Merrick Watts coming soon.
Over to you. What title or label do you and your partner rock?
Comments
115 Comments so far
With more people entering long term stable committed relationships later in life and having children out of ‘marriage’ maybe we do need a new word?? My partner and I never used the words boyfriend and girlfriend – we got together in our 30′s, knew fairly early on that this was ‘it’ and are now the parents of our beautiful one year old. Boyfriend and girlfriend just felt, for us, too casual or temporary. I agree, partner is not ideal either, it does sound very business like! We consider ourselves married, we’re just both not fans of getting married. Sometimes I’ll use the term ‘my husband’ but I’m conscious of the fact that technically that’s not true, even though emotionally it is. Meanwhile his parents have a joke of a marriage, yet in the eyes of society are wife and husband and thus solid, whereas yes I’m sure my stepmother thinks we are going straight to hell!
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My now husband ( we decided to marry after our little guy was born, plus It was a good excuse for a party! ) used to call me his Meaningful domestic associate! it makes no difference to me husband /partner etc.. But I felt the same way! It’s funny I felt too grown up with baby etc.. To use the word ‘Boyfriend’.. Now I feel rudiculous saying ” husband” … I feel like I’m playing mums & dads! Ps I’m 36
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I tend to just introduce my boyfriend as ‘my Blake’, because he is mine and Blake is his name. He refers to me as his girlfriend. We call our son ‘monkey man’.
My family refers to him as my ‘partner’. They call our son ‘Babalooie’.
His mother refers to me as ‘the loose moralled b*tch who led her son into eternal sin’. She refers to our son as ‘the bastard’. We don’t talk to her much…
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Oh. My. God.
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Use manfriend. I find it hilarious.
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I call my boyfriend of 12 years, and father of my children, ‘Husband’ or ‘Boyfriend’ or ‘Fiance’ even though we aren’t technically engaged. Boyfriend usually just comes out after 12 years of habit, other times Husband is taken more seriously, or Fiancee, well, we’ll get married one day just not in the next few years! I also correct my dad when he introduces my ‘Boyfriend’ as my ‘Partner’
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sorry to stray from the point, but I’ve always thought it very condescending when people say “we never felt the need to tie the knot” as though their relationship transends all marriages. My husband and I never felt a need to marry either- we married purely because we wanted to.
Anyway, back to the point, when we dated, I always just used his name. Boyfriend seemed sweet but childish, and partner always felt like a word people use to try and legitimise a relationship they didn’t think would be taken seriously. Nowadays I feel awkward saying ‘my husband’ which feels too old.. but I hate the word ‘hubby’ ..which to me sounds like a hint of sexless marriage. Oh isn’t it sad the judgements we subconsciously place on these terms!
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My favourite teacher used to refer to her husband as her “Special Friend” and I have been using it ever since year 12!
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My mum had the classic solution, introducing my now husband to friend’s and family as my “special friend”…makes him sound like he goes to special school or something.
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Why not just have a wedding and call him your husband. Since 1975, weddings have been nothing more than parties. It is not as if the vows you make at a wedding are legally binding. Either spouse can break down a marriage on no grounds at all without penalty or the obligation to compensate the other spouse.
And when the task of raising your son is complete, or nearly so, your beloved can still halve your living standard and abandon you for another woman. It won’t cost him anything just because you are married. Anything that he has to give you, will be offset by the contribution his new partner will bring to his new household. So what is the problem?
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Ummm… You’re not the ex-wife of my baby daddy, are you?
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How about LIL – live in lover – we used to use this one just to see the look on people’s faces!
I dislike all the other options so I just called him my husband. Or his name…..maybe we need to invent a new word?
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Actually Janie, he IS your husband – your common law husband (a less bogan way of saying ‘de facto’)
Problem solved people!
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I like spouse. It tells people you are committed without giving them your life story.
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My ‘Partner’, ‘Baby Daddy’ and I have this chat all the time. We’re not married, but we have a child together and Boyfriend seems so teenager to us, yet partner is so formal.
I got an odd look when I opened a joint bank account saying it was with my partner, and unfortunately my partner has a name that could easily be a girls, so i left the bank after I was told by the teller that she was in full support of my same-sex relationship haha
Also how do you refer to their family? I always say in laws because its so much easier then saying my partner mother.
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I am 55 my partner 51. We have been dating for three years not living together. I don’t like the term partner but boyfriend doesnt seem right. Mmm. I usually just refer to him as my partner or my friend. Suggestions?
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How about my man?
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from the list on this page, I like
Man Friend
Special Friend
Live in Lover
I am married but don’t really like the term husband and wife – I particularly hate the term wife actually.
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I’m nearly 30 and my ‘partner’ is about to turn 37. We’ve just got engaged but up until this point we’ve been using partner to describe each other. Boyfriend seemed so wrong considering our age and that we’ve been together for 6 years.
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I’ve always thought that it sounds ok for guys to talk about their “Girlfriend” at any age but when I talk about my “Boyfriend” I always feel young and highschoolish. Not sure why. Could just be me??
If I ever say ‘partner’ or ‘life partner’ I feel like a gay male (which is totally fine btw!)
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My rather buff young osteo would refer to his “partner” on visits, and me and a friend (who also goes to him) thought he was almost definitely gay. Turns out not. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but it does seem to have connotations.
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My mum and dad never got married. They said partner for most of their relationship but a month ago I heard dad refer to mum as “my wife”. I was all like “WTF dad??” He just shrugged. Whatevs.
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I started to feel awkward calling Ex Mr W my “boyfriend” after about 3 years together…partner also didn’t roll off the tongue very well. I think it’s because I wanted to be calling him my fiance or husband. Sigh.
NOW I DON’T HAVE TO CALL ANYONE ANYTHING!
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Well, not this week you don’t. Let’s see after the weekend shall we, WS!
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I’m in the opposite boat – using the term ‘partner’ too soon, when ‘boyfriend’ still seems appropriate.
I was involved in a car accident a couple of months ago, and my boyfriend of 2 & 1/2 years stepped up and helped take care of me, dealing with all of the doctors and medical professionals I had to see. He listened intently, knowing that if two of us were taking in the mountain of information and care details being thrown at us – maybe it would stick for one of us.
Somewhat unexpectedly, the doctors and nurses referred to him as my partner. At 25, I’ve only ever called him my boyfriend, and still do to this day – however at the time ‘partner’ definitely seemed fitting. It felt like he was taking on way more than a boyfriend, and that we were in this whole disaster together… as partners! Like cowboys in a western (cue Woody’s voice saying ‘Howdy partner!’). As soon as the word escaped the doctors mouth, we grinned at each other like giddy fools… knowing that we both found it slightly ridiculous, but slightly appropriate.
I still think of him as my boyfriend, but when it comes to important things like medical matters and witnessing on legal forms – he is my partner. He earned it
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I am in a relatively new relationship following a divorce, with a lovely man who delights in calling me his girlfriend (I’m 43 & he’s 50). He has introduced me as his partner in more formal settings. Calling him my boyfriend is somewhere between awkward and delightful… I never thought I’d call anyone that again. But what is the alternative? “My lover” sounds somehow illicit… “my man” feels sort of proprietary (I don’t think I’d like him to call me his woman).
Aaah… first world dilemmas.
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This is one of the main reasons why I want to get married – not to have the big, white wedding (not interested), but to be able to call my boyfriend/partner my ‘husband’. I just gotta meet him first!
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Have you not seen the Sex & the City movie? Carrie calls Mr Big her manfriend, which is what I now call my partner/bf/defacto to annoy him!
You could call him your lover (in a French accent) although I wouldn’t advise this if heading to Grandma’s for afternoon tea.
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I called my partner (that’s what I say when I dont mention him by name normally) my ‘man friend’ in conversation yesterday and my colleague looked at me weirdly, I don’t think they got the SATC reference.
Now I have the urge to walk around calling him my lover haha
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I’m a big fan of the ‘manfriend’ alias! My manfriend and I have been together for four years (i’m 25, he’s 29) and I do feel like we have grown out of boyfriend/girlfriend a bit, but as Monty said, ‘partner’ seems too formal. He still calls me his girlfriend, but I am pushing for ‘ladyfriend’ despite it sounding a bit cougar-ish.
I usually get a giggle from people when I say ‘manfriend’, but I love it.
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I am definintely going to start saying that! love it.
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Although I was never fussed about getting married, I do like to say ‘my husband’. It still kind of surprises me ten years on, probably because I only use it online, or for paperwork.
My husband likes to walk around saying ‘My wife has an inner ear infection!’.
I actually prefer ‘partner’ in real life, to me it suggests partners in crime, life partners, equal partners. To me it has a good sound.
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I use ‘partner’..pretty much have since we moved in together as for some reason saying ‘boyfriend’ always felt funny to me! No idea why though, maybe because it sounded a bit high school to me…my partner never had a problem referring to me as girlfriend though.
My partner hates the word de facto – says it reminds him of bogans with beat up cars on the lawn in front of their house. As a consequence of this I of course love to remind him on a regular basis that this is what we are
I know one girl that once she got engaged (this was the pinnacle of her life, which she made very clear) she was unable to refer to her fiance by his first name any longer. She referenced him in any conversation post-engagement as ‘my fiance’…umm, I’ve know the guy for 15 years, you can still use his name you know!
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I was the opposite when I was engaged. It felt like such a wank to say ‘fiance’, it was like I was constantly asking for attention. I do like saying ‘my husband’ though.
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Yeah I think when my time comes I won’t want to use it – does feel a bit attention seeking after my friend used it to death! Most of my other girlfriends who are engaged still just use the term boyfriend or partner.
I also cringe at ‘hubby’ or ‘wifey’ – sorry people who like to use those terms!
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The word “hubby” makes me extremely stabby. Horrible, horrible word!
At home, I have a dirty de facto. At work, or when dealing with service providers, I have a partner. And when people give me the golden retriever tilted head of confusion, I explain that he’s the father of my child. I kind of like the love chum suggestion, though.
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I thought I was the only one. What is it about the word “fiance” that is so cringe-worthy? I’ve been engaged for almost a year and I can’t bring myself to call him fiance. It feels so wanky. Luckily we’ll be married next month so I don’t have to worry about it for much longer.
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Hated the word fiance too, and wouldn’t use it – and I speak French
Sounds appallingly pretentious to me.
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I’m recently engaged and flat out refuse to use the term ‘fiance’. Blergh.
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This is my dilemma too, but for slightly different reasons. I am in my fifties and fairly recently divorced. I’ve been lucky to find love, real love (!) with a man who will be sixty next year. What do I call him?? For all the reasons above, partner, de facto, boyfriend (especially boyfriend, at my age) all feel ridiculous. I’ve started simply calling him ‘my man’, I say, when introducing him, “This is my man, Sam” (which is NOT his name!). It’s simple and it feels right, he IS a man, and he’s MY man because we’re in a committed relationship. Problem solved!
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It’s so lovely to hear that you can find love after a marriage (not that I’ve ever been married, but I’m really happy that you did find love all the same!). I like “my man”, it sounds complimentary to the guy and rock solid.
I’m actually on the other side of a similar situation – my Mum and her partner aren’t married (yet), but I grew up with him around and so the phrase “my Mum and partner” just doesn’t do my relationship with them justice. So I call him my Stepdad to show we have a closer bond.
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I must not notice these things…as I never feel a look of pity. Does that really happen? I’m 41, 3 kids with my boyfriend of 10 years…and we never plan to marry. I always say “my boyfriend”, except when dealing with tradesmen over the phone. No real reason against marriage…we just didn’t bother and now never will.
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