Monty
by MONTY DIMOND
Is there an expiry date to calling our partners “Boyfriend” or “Girlfriend” once we reach a certain age? I’ve been in a relationship for eight years with the same man and last year we welcomed our first offspring (a baby boy who we are rather fond of).
In between getting together and spawning a child there hasn’t been any wedding bells. I am completely aware we bought a one way ticket straight to hell for having our child out of wedlock but we are both ok with this.
Marriage has never been part of our plans… we have discussed it a few times but never felt the need to actually tie the knot. We are rather content in our ringless relationship. For the last eight years we have proudly called each other ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Girlfriend’ and this has worked brilliantly for us.
I never gave it a second thought… until I turned 30 and became a mum. Now that I am all grown up and real mature, calling Sam* my “boyfriend” doesn’t seem to fit anymore . (*I will refer to my boyfriend as Sam…because that is his actual name.)
Because we are raising a child together it seems like we need a title that makes our relationship sound a little more solid. Boyfriend gives the feeling that at any moment his best mate might tell me I’m dropped and ask me to return his Green Day CD.
The worst part is getting the pity look from people when I introduce Sam as my boyfriend. The “Oh you poor bitch, he’s knocked you up and won’t marry you” look.
We have started to flirt with some other names hoping one will begin to feel right.
‘Partner’
The obvious choice for most couples living in sin but it feels very formal to me. Almost like we are running a business together. Partner can also refer to a same sex relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with people assuming I’m a lesbian, but it’s not ideal for Sam’s masculinity.
‘Baby Daddy’
Technically this is what Sam is. He is the daddy of my baby. However I am far too white to say “baby daddy” and be taken seriously.
‘Life Partner’
I may have just done a little vom in my mouth after typing that. This title is intense and makes me feel uncomfortable. Even a tad claustrophobic. Not even a slight possibility.
Romantic, no?
‘De facto’
This feels even more formal and business like than Partner. You can’t roll over in bed, gaze tenderly into ones eyes and whisper “I love you my de facto”. The romantic music would screech to a violent halt. It simply doesn’t flow.
‘My Better Half’
Said with an English accent this is very sweet, loving and romantic. Said with an Aussie occa accent it is boganic and sarcastic. Unfortunatly Sam and I don’t sound like Hugh Grant so we would tip the bogan scale using this title.
Katie “Monty” Dimond is a broadcaster and media personality. She has appeared on Channel Ten, Channel Nine, and Nova FM. She is currently busy being a full time Mum to her one year old son and will feature in a new ABC comedy series with Merrick Watts coming soon.
Over to you. What title or label do you and your partner rock?
Comments
116 Comments so far
I laughed so hard at the “de facto” part that I woke my man up!
loading...
What about my “soulmate”?
loading...
Monty you can simply refer to him as Sam. Those who know you know his relationship with you, those who don’t, we’ll I don’t suppose you really care? I don’t understand why we need to’announce’ our relationships.
I’m married but go by ms and haven’t changed my name, I introduce my husband by his name. If people want clarification of my relationship they can get a life! It’s no ones business. You are Monty Sam is Sam and that’s all any strangers need to know!
loading...
Pingback: We've Been Together Forever And He's The Father Of My Child—Calling Him My 'Boyfriend' Just Isn't Enough
My bloke and I have been together for 18 years, two kids, two dogas and a cat I cant use ‘sex slave’ to describe him all the time so We’re just plain husband and wife to strangers. Once i get to know someone aand the subject comes up then I might explain that we never bothered to do the ceremony.
I dont think its dishonest as we couldnt be a more typical married couple if we tried. They are labels for a relationship and they fit us so we use them.
loading...
I like the term partner as it implies partnership. Partnering in life and love. I’m positive a lot of marriages could be a lot better if they worked from this point of view.
loading...
My boyfriend and I are 25 and 26, and have been together about 18 months. We call each other our ‘symbiont’. We are both kind of science nerds though.
My mum calls her partner of 10 years her ‘lover’. They are 52. Lol.
loading...
Love chum? Hilarious!
loading...
Or, that poor realisation that you are 27 and yes, you are good enough to be the mother of his child, yes, you are good enough to live with… But; Are you good enough to marry??? Certainly Not! In fact, all my childish, albeit loving efforts to propose the idea of marriage have been fruitless. I gave up when I was told “It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage, I would NEVER marry you”, yes, that shit hurts. Yes, it makes ever so strong willed ‘me’ cry. Most people don’t have the inclination to understand why I put up with it, well the simple answer is that old saying “I love him”, and yes, I know fully well that he does not in any way love me. Yes, it sucks to feel unloved, and yes, it makes me feel worthless, ugly, stupid, idiotic, neurotic etc… But hey, I love him.
Yes, I will soon be thirty and single, and that is a horrible thought, but hey, I love him.
But I will also be thirty, single, in love… Yet ultimately… Un happy.
loading...
I would just introduce him as “Sam” and let people come to conclusions of their own
loading...
I also hate boyfriend and girlfriend. I just usually refer to my bf as… bf.
I hate defacto! It reminds me of Kath and Kim!
“Defecto, night facto, the fact that they’re factoing at all is repulsive in the extreme!”
Best show.
loading...
My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and refer to each other as partner… I have a boy’s name, so you can only imagine the looks we get! It’s funny and we get great service because people think we are two men with lots of expendable income. Hahah just rock whatever you want- no need to justify it at the end of the day.
loading...
I use partner, we have been together 6+ years now and I am 32 so boyfriend hasnt felt right for a while.
Its not ideal but I cant think of any better choices..
loading...
My boyfriend through 8 years introduces me as his better half and have suggested I call him my worst half
loading...
When my man and I were in the early stages of dating, he introduced me to his friends as his ‘squeeze’. Now he calls me his life partner (which makes me cringe for some reason).
I call him my partner in crime.
loading...
How about Slovenian?
Zena (wife) Moz (husband)
Oh I like this one
Danish: Forlovede (fiance)
(oops that was me..didn’t mean to post under two names.)
loading...
It still doesn’t help for introductions, but my partner and I called each other ‘leannan’ for years after reading a great Scottish series. It’s basically ‘beloved’ (although Wiktionary links it back to ‘sweetheart’ or ‘lover’), but I find it so much easier to say without feeling ridiculous.
loading...
Oh I so agree there needs to be a new word. Boyfriend/girlfriend too teenager, partner ugh..I really hate this term..it sounds so businesslike and clinical.Other half? Hardly meaningful.
I am married but I tend to call my sister’s “partner” her husband as I just feel it sounds more meaningful or something. I don’t mean marriage is more meaningful at all, but I just wish there was a word! Something that could sit alongside fiance or betrothed indicating a life committment.
loading...
My man. My woman. Simple and avoids all the feelings of projectile vomiting and formality. And formal projectile vomiting.
loading...
Noooo!! I hate ‘my man’ and ‘my woman’!
I see people on facebook with statuses like ‘Just waiting for my man to wake up’ and I just want to punch them in the face.
Same goes for when they say ‘my little man’ talking about their sons… cant. stand. it!
loading...
I like the feel of quasband. Quasi husband. Quasband.
loading...
Huh? I thought it was part of your plans but that you refused to do it until gays can marry?
loading...
My ‘defacto’ (chuckle) is fondly known as my Hubby, he’s half way there. He will graduate to Husband if and when we ever take the plunge, but with three growing children, a Sydney Mortgage and the fact that we are immensely happy I really don’t see the need. I’d rather visit New York and put that money to really good use!
loading...
My brother and his male partner refer to each other as their ‘beloved’. It sums up their great relationship and how they feel about each other.
loading...
We’re in the same situation &, as the English language didn’t have a suitable word for “us”, we made up our own. We discovered that adding F (for faux) before the traditional word works for us…so he is now my fusband & I am his f’wife. He is also known by my mother as the fun-in-law.
loading...
I am married but hate “hubby” and “my missus”…of course this ensures my husband uses both all the time just to wind me up…
loading...
I think ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ work, but only if you’re not living together. I think “partner” implies cohabitation.
Since, in common law, you are husband and wife, it wouldn’t strike me as out of place to use those terms – and I did when I was in that position (sans children).
Spouse wouldn’t be out of place either.
I am however, reminded of Stephen Fry’s alternatives: sex-mate, joy-partner, bed-friend, or love-chum. If only society were to adopt one or more of those!
loading...
Awww, they’re lovely! Sometimes my boy calls me his thunder buddy from Ted, which is cute.
loading...
I’ve been with my ‘partner’ for more than 11 years and I tend to use partner, more because it’s the term that seems to fit for me the best. We never intend to marry either but as you mention, Ian, we have cohabited for about 10 years and so by common law he is my husband. I also spent some time working in an Aboriginal community and in that culture they don’t have a formal wedding ceremony, they just become husband and wife and so I often refer to G as my husband. On top of that I am a teacher and it is often easier just to say husband when talking to my students (or to people I don’t know very well). I don’t think G has ever referred to me as his wife but he did pause the other day when introducing me to a visiting colleague as his [pause] partner!
loading...
Sometimes I call my partner my “husband who I’m not married to”. But that is a bit wordy!
I don’t like defacto, it sounds like defunct, or if you look at the way the word is made, the undoing of a fact, which is just wierd.
Usually I call him partner, and just try to throw a “he” or his first name in the sentence, to avoid the “oh..maybe she’s a lesbian” look that sometimes crosses over people’s faces.
Maybe we need to steal an awesome word from another language to fill the gap?
loading...
Yes I have always thought the same..surely there’s an eskimo word for husband and wife that could be used!
loading...
Thinking along the lines of ‘husband who I’m not married to’, we call the other’s parents our ‘out-laws’.
loading...
I never felt comfortable calling my now husband my boyfriend, then I hated calling him my fiance, it sounded wanky, luckily we were only engaged a short while so I could finally call him my hubby which suits him so much better..
loading...
I think we need a new word. Also a few could be deleted. My 8 yr old son came home from school and the boys were looking up naughty words. Broke my heart when he said there was a bad word that he and his brother actually were. I use husband, everyone assumes we are married anyway.
loading...
I’m married now and it’s husband or husband-ee, but back in the day I regularly used ” My Betrothed ” or my personal favourite…… ” My Piece Of Fluff ” ……which was always received with a big grin !!!!!
loading...
why do so many people hate the word ‘hubby’?
loading...
Call him your husband. There is no copyright on it. The ‘de facto’ bit means ‘de facto’ husband anyway. No biggie.
If people then ask “When did you get married?”
Say “We didn’t.”
Watch cognitive dissonance set in and enjoy.
The State assumes you are married under the law, you may as well use the term. You now have all the legal, tax and family law entanglements, you may as well use Husband and Wife. Just because no goddy type or Justice of the Peace has said the words across your heads, doesn’t mean you are not entitled to them.
BTW. Good for you. The institution is the same, declarations or not.
loading...
Oh but you see, if people make a point of not getting married why should they then pretend to people that they are? Seems a bit like wanting a bit of both to me. You’re either married or you’re not, the details are irrelevant.
loading...
Ummmm because people can do whatever they want and what you think about it is (mercifully) irrevelant.
loading...
As far as the Family Law Court is concerned, once you have lived as one household for two years, you are treated the same as a couple who have had a ceremony and signed papers. Except for superannuation. I’d check that one out if I were you, if your earning capacity is in any way affected by your relationship.
loading...
Yes, you are “married” under the law to a degree. However in property separations, you are still required to “prove” a threshold test to show you were in a defacto relationship – being married you were simply married no problem. Makes issues of spousal maintenance slightly more difficult too. However, in saying that the law is not too different these days, but you have to pass that threshold first e.g. prove when you started co-habitating (shown by joint accounts etc). It is just slightly more hassle.
loading...
We’re in exactly the same situation. When we went recently to update our wills, my partner (sorry!) had to become my ‘intended husband’ to protect the documents from becoming void if we ever happened to marry. But he has always referred to me as his ‘fancy lady’, which I rather like!
loading...
I don’t know why people don’t like partner. I’m married but I use both husband and partner. In a lot of ways i prefer partner. It sounds solid and equal and modern and removes enough details for people for whom its none of their business (such as my sexuality or marital status).
What I don’t like is that people don’t introduce anyone at all any more nad never just surnames! I always introduce Big Fella by his full name (to complete strangers) because its how I was taught and he does the same for me.
On the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, to me its an under 21 thing and after that you just introduce someone, “have you met John Smith’ and if you are serious and are interested in anyone knowing your business, you might say ‘have you met my partner, John smith’
loading...
Partner.
When I had a small business with another bloke (I’m male) I was always careful to stipulate he was my *business* partner. The life partner meaning seems more common than the traditional meaning these days…
loading...
If only I could be called girlfriend! We haven’t had “that chat” yet (looong overdue), so at the moment I use:
The Man
The Bloke
Mr Man etc.
I do occasionally use Boyfriend, just depends on who I’m talking to. But it feels a bit strange given the fact we aren’t teenagers.
loading...
My best friend calls her boyfriend of seven years her De-Fo. It’s cute and sounds less wanky than de facto. I also struggle with boyfriend and partner.
loading...
I used to call my Husband my Accomplice.
loading...
I love this and am going to adopt it immediately!
loading...
Just regarding the term life partner: if you’ve had a kid with the guy, surely you’re in it for life?
Partner seems fine. Australians over-think things.
loading...
I used “my partner” before we got married (we too had a child out of wedlock- which doesn’t seem fair to him now we’ve had another since being married lol oh well) but a favourite word to stir people up of mine was “lover”. Leaves it well and truly open hehe
loading...
Same situation – I refer to him as my husband in a work context, but my “ugly half” in a social context – which always gets a laugh cause he’s a bit good looking, or just plain use his name..
loading...
If he’s my man-friend, am I his woman-friend?!
loading...
I believe the technical term is ladyfriend
loading...
I’ve been with my current partner for almost 15 years now, give or take, we’re a little hazy as to when we started being a couple. We got engaged in Feb, there are no plans ever for a wedding, its just easier to call him my fiancee rather than partner, or boyfriend, which considering I just turned 48, makes me feel a bit icky, he is younger than me, but not THAT much.
loading...
I am facing this problem for a brand new relationship. “This is my… male companion” is the best I have done so far, boyfriend is hard for me to get out!
loading...
Before I was married, my (now ex) husband’s mother used to introduce me as (names substituted), “This is Jane, Michael’s um……” People then had to draw their own conclusions about what the ‘um’ was. Poor delicate petal could not even bring herself to use the word ‘girlfriend’. WTF?
loading...
I know exactly what you mean! – in first 9 years of our relationship (before we got married) one relative insisted on introducing my then 7 year boyfriend as my ‘friend’ and my Grandma would write Mr & Mrs xx/yy (combo of our surnames) on Xmas cards to ensure the postie wouldn’t be too scandalised! LOL
loading...
I get annoyed when people refer to my husband as my partner. For all the reasons that people justify why they’re not married I am married and it is worthy of the difference in status.
Once people are living together for more than a few years and have children they do deserve to be more than boyfriend or girlfriend and as annoying as the title parnter is, its probably the most appropriate. It is more than a boyfrind/girlfriend. Just like my husband is more than just a partner to me.
loading...
Aggreed!
loading...
I kind of understand that Chillax but are we talking about people who know you are married? I would never refer to anyone’s other half as their husband or wife unless they did first. Its a bit of a minefield.
I also don’t like “just a partner’. I’m married and use both husband and partner, but I don’t think if he’d stayed my partner instead of choosing to become my husband he’d be ‘just’ anything.
loading...
Yeah usually the people do know we’re married….Partner is often used as a general term for a couple these days, which is fine, but when that couple is married and people know that it can be a really annoying. Like I said, people who dont marry choose not to do so for specific reasons, and people who do choose to marry do so for specific reasons as well and its nice for that to be recognised as a relationship beyond being a partner.
loading...
Are you suggesting because you’re married, you or your relationship has a superior status to those of us who are not married? Even if we’ve been together for decades, have made committments, have children, etc.?
Cause if you are, that’s pretty awful..
loading...
A perpetually offended always pops up.
loading...
Vows made in front of a bevy of witnesses should give a relationship superior status. That is, if the vows are the traditional ones, not: “I promise to love you as long as the relationship lasts”
loading...
This is exactly why the gay community is so keen to secure marriage rights. Because of this sort of thinking – and exactly why they need to be given them
loading...
I use his name or husband or partner or whatshisname (if he is in trouble) it doesn’t really matter ….. we have been together nearly 23 years now and the bride gene has missed me BIG time….. colossal waste of money if you ask me …… oh yes and I am a divorce lawyer…… (so am a tad cynical about the value of that particular piece of paper!)
loading...
I felt like that until I got married (the kids wanted us to). I absolutely changed the way we both felt about our relationship, in a fantastic way. It’s so much more than a piece of paper for us!
loading...
Funny that. My two most vocally anti marriage girlfriends, who were happy with things ‘just as they are’….turned into the biggest bridezillas ever seen upon being unexpectedly proposed to!
loading...
Some people get married just because they adore each other and want to commit to each other as much as they possibly can. Not because they want a big wedding or even because they want to have kids. It does mean something to those of us who choose it. That’s why the whole gay marriage thing is so important. Just because you choose not to get married, don’t dismiss its importance or value for those of us who do.
loading...
‘Manfriend’.
Just puttin’ it out there.
loading...
You’re right, there is no suitable term for “more than a boyfriend”, or indicating that whilst you’re not married you’re completely committed.
I’m in exactly the same situation, however my “partner” (that’s my term) has a child from a previous relationship. I play an active role in her life and have done so for a number of years. But what relationship am I to her? Technically I can’t be a step mum, because her father and I aren’t married. But you can imagine how dodgy it sounds when picking her up from school and saying, ” Oh no, I’m not her mum. I’m her father’s girlfriend”. Not only that, I am the only one in our family (father, step daughter and younger daughter) who has a different surname.
So I solved the problem by getting engaged. If you can’t beat ‘em, join em and have an enormous effing party.
loading...
I can totally relate to this quandary. I’ve been in a committed relationship with my guy for the past 15 years. We’ve lived together most of that time, and came to the decision fairly early on that we would not get married. We went on to get the mortgage together and now have 2 children, so in everything but name it’s a marriage. It’s been quite a while since the term “boyfriend” seemed to apply. I went with “partner” for a while, but I never really liked that one. Since my eldest started school people call me “Mrs X” anyway, because it is assumed that I have the same surname as my son. So I mostly go with “husband” now just to simplify things.
loading...
I too am uncomfortable with “boyfriend”. I use “this is my other half”. works well and is a good opener for places you dont know people very well…..
loading...
I love the term ‘my fella’ though I’m married so its husband for me.
loading...