Jacinta with her two sons
This is an extract from an article from Jacinta Tynan that appeared in Sunday Life magazine on the weekend:
“As someone who relished my foray into motherhood finding it easily the most joyful, meaningful, rewarding thing I have ever done, there was plenty of room for error. When I wrote about it at the time from my blissful baby bubble – sleeplessness, timelessness and all – I was told I wouldn’t know what hit me unless I dared to have another. “Get back to us when you have two”, other mothers cried.
Well, now I do. Two beautiful baby boys nineteen months apart. And they are right, those mums. It is a darn sight more challenging with one on each arm and tests what stuff you are made of. I have an exuberant toddler who can’t yet talk (apart from essential vocabulary like “more, more”) or feed himself but who can slip out the front gate and bolt for the hills if I don’t have my wits about me. Like when I am breastfeeding the baby which is the case five or six times a day (and night), a baby who prefers to be personally lulled to sleep. And so I am on call 24/7 – if not one then the other. And I marvel how we get through each day. How do you breastfeed one with the other in the bath? Anyone?
……And, yes, I have cried. The first day I was on my own with my two baby boys – their Dad back at work and my Mum’s precious week of assistance run its course, I dissolved into tears by early afternoon. Not because it was doing my head in but because I felt torn. There is no way I can be in two places at once, yet I am required to be. I cried for both their tiny sakes that from now on attention would be divided and I couldn’t always placate or feed or entertain on call as I had intended. Instead they would be hurried along in the bath, left alone with a bottle, even propped in front of The Night Garden if it buys me five minutes to change a nappy.
I write this because I have been asked. Many times since I wrote about my enjoyment of fledgling motherhood, and especially in the five months since our second baby was born. “Is it still easy?” mums ask, most out of genuine curiosity rather than a challenge.
Yes, it is. It is double the effort and sometimes I don’t get time to eat but there is nothing I’d rather be doing. Yes, with two healthy babies, a supportive partner and no trace of post natal depression, I do think I have it easy…”
You can read the rest of the article at Sunday Life here.….
If you missed Jacinta’s original post, you can find it here.
Or catch the episode of Mamamia on Sky News where Jacinta talks motherhood the second time around. The chat starts at 3:50.
Jacinta has written two books, Good Man Hunting and Some Girls Do: My Life as a Teenager. She is also a news presenter and journalist, formerly with ABC TV and now Sky News Australia. She contributes to publications such as Madison, Sunday Life and Women’s Health and is currently working on her first fiction novel. You can find her website here.
Comments
222 Comments so far
“It helps me stay in the moment, every precious moment. To laugh when the bath hose is directed onto the floor.”
I have nothing against the idea of embracing/enjoying motherhood, it’s just that some of the things Jacinta writes are so cliched. And I’m not just bagging her out for the sake of it; I’m actually interested in her point of view, and part of me yearns to be… inspired, I guess, and won over by it! I just find these two essays lacking in insight somehow.
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After 5 years of harrowing infertility and 3 soul destroying miscarriages, I am one of the “lucky” ones who made it to the other side and had children. Two gorgeous beings whom delight me everyday and make my heart sing.
I have found the only silver lining to the darkness of infertility, is if you do have children – you just feel so bloody lucky.
And that the hardest day of motherhood is a walk in the park compared to the gripping horror of wanting a baby so bad and not having one.
So it is all in your perspective isn’t it?
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I think it’s all relative. What’s easy for one person, isn’t for another. Jacinta is obviously in a good place (lucky her). Australian women have to deal with lots of different issues. Women in other countries….well you just can’t compare. So let’s stop comparing!!
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BTW, do you think if enough people comment “come back tell me it’s easy when you have 3″, she’ll have another one just to prove us wrong?
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I still don’t see anything ‘easy’ about being a mother, but I sure do LOVE it. I don’t think we need this over the top ‘gratefulness’ like jacinta seems to have. Oh the house is a complete mess but I’m fine. it’s good to be postitive but so days you want to pull your hair out and would love someone to just vacuum the floor!! (Best gift ever)
Life with three boys 6, 3 years and 5 months is wonderful, adding the third makes me extra busy but he has brought our family even closer, easiest transition so far. It’s not perfect so that’s perfect to ME!!! I make people sick how much I love being a mum and want to be with them. They are all at different stages, with different personalities. it’s not easy but I love it bring on number 4 lol!!
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I absolutely love motherhood, but ‘easy’ probably isn’t a word I’d use to describe it… it’s a challenge, but the fulfillment and love totally outweigh the shittiness of getting up at ridiculous o’clock to a screaming baby. Sometimes it’s just downright bloody hard work and I’ll have a good cry, but one look at my daughter’s face and I know I wouldn’t have it any other way. All mothers are just trying to do their best, let’s support each other instead of tearing each other down!
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Dont you love that smile even more when you are in the middle of something crazy and they just break you away from it all – and you smile back and what ever it was all melts away. Love it!!!
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My two kids are 15months apart and now aged 2 and almost 4. Since the day #2 was born I have said and still do two kids is easier than one. Sure the early days it was a juggle and I felt bad when one was left crying. The period I found hardest was when I had 1 hour in the morning that I could leave the house, by 10 or 11 I needed to be home so the little one could nap, then he’d wake and the older one would nap, then she’d wake and the little one would nap again! Then there was a period of bliss when they both napped at the same time! Now no one naps, but it’s cool because they are besties at the moment and play so well together and entertain each other and I am able to spend more time doing my stuff rather than endless kid stuff.
Two kids is way easier than one, i’m not convinced about a third though…
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For me also two children was easier than one, somehow it was less intense. I then had a third in 4 years and it brought me to my knees I tell you! It’s fine now, but wow, that was full on. One of my friends did the same though and cruised through it, so we’re all different. Mind you, I stopped at three, she went on to her 4th and found that extremely hard.
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My first daughter was born with cerebal palsy… 9 months later my son was born and four years later I had another daughter.. they are all in their late teens. Firstly after spending many many years taking my daughter to physical, speech and occupational therapy and witnessing families who were dealing with children with more severe disabilities..Im talking tube feeding .. I feel that to be the mother of two healthy toddlers … I just cant get over anyone complaining at all…. Actually..two toddlers are EASY… just wait till they get to teenagers and all the driving ,, social activities..driving lessons etc etc…. really mothers of healthy toddlers should think before they post..
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Well said mum of three!!
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I have three kids. A 23 month old little boy, an 8 week old baby girl and a little girl who *would* be three. She was stillborn five days past her due date in August 2008 after a healthy/normal pregnancy. I’ve commented here a million times before, so I don’t need to rehash my story again.
I may only have two little mouths to kiss goodnight each day, but I still have to “parent” all three of my children. My living children obviously need me in a practical sense for warmth, food and comfort, and I parent my dead daughter by trying desperately to keep her memory alive and making sure people remember her and include her as the important and cherished member of our family that she is.
No guesses for which aspect of my parenting is the “easy” part.
Honestly, some people have no idea how lucky they are.
All the best to you Jacinta and keep on cherishing those little boys. You are a breath of fresh air.
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This article was well written. Not really anything to do with the fact that Jacinta is having some hard moments (unlike the first appraisal of motherhood) but that in this article she speaks solely about herself. I don’t really care very much that her experience is easy, I am glad for her, glad she is able to use her mind to see the best in the situation.
The first article that was written did not stick to speaking only about her experience but did marvel at other mums and how could “they” possibly think this was difficult. I think that was what arked people up and made a lot of us angry and upset.
So, in changing her tone and not “bagging” the negative mums etc but talking about her own private journey I am happy to read and applaud her.
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I was hoping you would re-publish this article because I really enjoyed reading it last Sunday – it was the highlight in a day filled with ear infections, a sleep deprivation ‘hangover’ and a kind of existential listlessness. Whilst I felt somewhat envious (and baffled!) about Tyler’s unruffled approach to parenting in her first article on this topic, this particular piece really resonated with me. It made me re-visit my own experience of parenting (I too have a toddler and a baby) and re-calibrate my perspective a little. Instead of being overwhelmed by the exhaustion and emotion of being with two little people all day (and night!), I think it does me good to remember that this experience is a privilege and I too am lucky to have a home so filled with love (and chaos!). I don’t always have to put on a ‘Pollyanna’ hat and pretend all is rosy, but I don’t want my default position to be one of resentment and emotional fatigue either. Thanks Jacinta for sharing your thoughts second time around.
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After reading the comments on this post I cant imagine why any one would open up and share their personal life in this way. I really enjoyed reading Jacinta’s views and opinions so I dont understand why the (mainly anonymous) comments are so harsh.
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Yeah, I have moments where parenting is “easy” and that’s usually before one child brings home the lurgy and we all go down with it, or you come home from work and find that the kids have school projects that have to be completed this weekend or they are having a class party and need food or drink, conveniently after the shops are closed.
I do think using “easy” and “challenging” in the same piece invites a certain amount of incredulity. I get what you’re saying.
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I have to remind myself how compartively my childraising has been compared to my sister and her husband. They have a very disabled 5 year old who has only just begun to walk, can’t talk (and my never), doesn’t really communicate, isn’t toilet trained, has very limited comprehension and no medical diagnosis of his condition. The thought of them struggling daily with him keeps any problems I might have with my children in perspective.
I actually didn’t find Jacinta’s article smug at all. She didn’t say it was easy and without it’s challenges, she said she HAD it easy, which is a very different thing. I’m not saying that some people don’t genuinely struggle hugely with motherhood and feel they can’t cope, but that’s not Jacinta’s experience and surely she is allowed to express that. I thought she was just keeping any problems she might have in perspective that’s all.
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Pleeeeeeeeeease, no more humblebraggy articles from or about this greatly privileged, sly woman. She’s got an odd kind of ego, her weasely missives allow her to express how superior she is to all us complainymums while positioning herself the put-upon achiever whose only crime is Doing It Right.
The one thing noone should be fooled into accusing her of is being unaware of the realities of motherhood for women not in her rare position. She knows intimately what buttons she needs to push to rile up the mummy masses and loves nothing more! We can all do without more guile from her.
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please read Zoe’s post below your’s at 7:05 am
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Just read it, care to elaborate your own feelings?
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your post seemed hateful. (my opinion)
“Why can’t us women just be kinder to one another? I’d love to see a post on why women are so critical of other women, especially mothers of other mothers.” -zoe
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hi tp thanks for your reply “Why can’t us women just be kinder to one another?”… you do hear people say this from time to time, but my experience has been that we overwhelmingly, powerfully ARE kind to eachother, and that as women/mothers we gain strength from eachother in ways that sometimes even our partners can’t provide. I feel like women who don’t have this generalised goodwill to other women are really rare, and they stand out in sharp comparison. I don’t hate Jacinta Tynan but as you can tell, the threads of conceit and self-congratulation that run through her pieces and her implicit putdowns of mothers who complain make me give her MAJOR side-eye, and make me ponder her motivations.
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contemptuous!
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I get what Jacinta is trying to say and see that a lot of people agree with her. Motherhood, on the whole, is easy. But there are times when it is hard. When I had cracked nipples, lumpy breasts, an inconsolable hungry baby, a messy house and no chance of seeing another human for at least 4 hours, I needed to be able to call my mum or a friend and have them say “I know, it’s hard, you’re doing a good job”. Not that it’s easy and I should stop complaining. In fact I think that would have tipped me over the edge.
Why can’t us women just be kinder to one another? I’d love to see a post on why women are so critical of other women, especially mothers of other mothers.
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So much angst over the word ‘easy’. As has been said, Jacinta’s is, again, an opionion piece. I really don’t think she needs to be empathetic to those who don’t necessarily share her experiences. She is just telling it like it is in her world! Anyway, baby and toddlerhood is tiring, relentless work when you are in it, but it is easy and uncomplicated compared to when your kids hit their teens and ‘dish it out’ as they do with negligible choices and sometimes mistakes – not so easily fixed with a trip to the ‘naughty corner’!
Oh, and flippantly assuming that Jacinta finds it ‘easy’ because she likely has it all on tap – helpful mother, supportive partner, gardener, housekeeper, personal chef, ironing lady, driver, spiritual advisor, private massage therapist (hmm ridiculous yes?) quite frankly undervalues the experience of those of us who have enjoyed early motherhood with little or no outside help with just the satisfaction of raising our children, wiping up their messes and getting a cuddle at the end of the day from our gorgeous kiddies!
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I was when I read the first article – while I understand that everyone has the right to their own experience and their own descriptions of that experience, I didn’t relate at all. With two kids eleven months apart, while I found them amazing and they are very well behaved, healthy boys, easy is not the word I would have used to describe being a mother. It was challenging at the best of times. They always have been energetic, willful and well…excitable little boys. Joys for sure but the late nights, coinciding needs and just the pure energy they take makes the job of being their mother tiring and challenging. But, after I had my daughter I realized how some people can find it easy. She slept four hours at a time from the beginning, slept through from 3 months, she’s quite happy to sit and watch what’s going on and wait her turn, barely ever cries, and so on. I am very lucky, and I realize that from having experienced colic, PND, a child who didn’t sleep through til 15months, one who was premature and always sick, sibling rivalry, attitude problems etc. So I describe my third as my being lucky at having a chilled out baby – it’s just how she is – but that motherhood itself is not easy. However, if I had three kids like her, I can see I would describe motherhood as easy. So, I can now see where she is coming from. And good for her. She seems to understand how lucky she is, too, acknowledging that her kids are healthy and that she has support. Her experience isn’t a judgment on our own, in the same way that my chilled out child is not any “better” than my two energetic, full on children. Everyone seems to be getting so personally offended at the fact that she has had a different experience than them. You’re right, had she had PND or no support or more needy kids or kids with health problems etc she would probably feel differently. But she didn’t experience those things, so she can’t judge her experience of parenting on those if/and/buts. Her experience has been easy based on her scale of what easy is. What’s wrong with that? If someone wrote in and said “I have a child with (insert problem here) and i find it hard” and someone said “you’re crazy, I have a child with that problem and I don’t find it hard at all”, that wouldn’t be acceptable. It would be insensitive. But if someone says it’s easy we pounce and say how dare you find it easy! It makes no sense to me. She’s not saying anyone is a worse patent for finding it hard or challenging, nor is she saying she is a better parent for finding it easy. She’s just saying she finds it easy. If you’re offended by that, maybe it says more about your own insecurities than her experience. (note that I said insecurities and not parenting, before anyone jumps on that)
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agreed! i’m happy for Jacinta and glad that she finds motherhood a beautiful time. nobody ever tells you happy stories about coping with motherhood when you’re pregnant. i don’t think she was trying to appear superior, it’s just how she feels. congrats on your 3 beautiful children
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Well when you eventually do have children Mel and find out that actually it’s not easy peasy; Jacinta’s article will likely make you feel worse. The truth is that motherhood is amazing, wonderful, joyful and gives you so much meaning to life. But sorry, it isn’t easy. And that is an inconvenient truth. You shouldn’t expect it to be easy. It’s challenging and wonderful and something most people would never regret. But I don’t think that ignorance is bliss!
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Come on – Mel was gracious enough to acknowledge the fact that she doesn’t know everything, but even if you’ve had kids, you don’t know what every single person’s experience is like, so don’t pretend like everybody else will feel what you felt.
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I love Jacinta’s perspective on the every day things about being a mother and I think she is just so thankful for her children and experiences so far. I like that she has chosen to speak about her enjoyment and choice to learn to meditate, which now enables her to be ‘in the moment’. I like the way she emphasises how quickly time passes- I thought the same thing when I got my puppy and still think about that now as she has just gone through cancer. I haven’t had children yet but I sometimes feel so scared about how hard it will be and how I might never be good enough to make it through those challenges but seeing this makes me feel more optimistic. I have a history of depression (over ten years) and so that obviously worries me in relation to having children but this gives me some hope.
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Agree. Jacinta rubs me the wrong way.
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Jacinta does not come across as happy, she comes across as smug. I think (and this is my opinion) that Jacinta should take a lesson from Mia about honesty and humility winning you friends. Either that or she could buy herself one of those toy medals and inscribe ‘perfect mother’ on it! Would love to see her out and about wearing it!
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I’m pretty astounded by how nasty and bitter some of the comments have been. Jacinta is happy, she’s well aware of how blessed she is, and she finds motherhood easy because that’s what she wants to make of it. This is a great thing, and there are a lot of perfectly healthy women with perfectly healthy kids who could certainly take a lesson from her positive attitude.
I don’t get how people are so quick to interpret this as some sort of smug attack, or to infer that Jacinta has some sort of duty to stay silent lest anybody should feel jealous. Are people not allowed to be publicly happy or positive? Should people only publish articles about how hard their lives are and how unhappy they are, so you can feel better in comparison?
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My computer isn’t displayed the ‘+1′ button so I will just say it: I really like your comment.
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Yep, I reckon it is all about attitude! Positive attitude – you choose how you react. In the end it is just poo, spew, cleaning and some tantrums. Kids are kids, parents are adults – who’s in charge?
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Anonymous – I have written this in responses to others on this post and I am going to do it again. I think an important point it being missed:
NO ONE is denying Jacinta the right to feel happy about being a mother and finding the experience easy. It is fricking awesome that she is enjoying it, and quite frankly what a refreshing read! It truly is lovely to hear about another mother’s positive experiences, and what lucky kids to have a mum who is clearly cherishing every moment.
The reason that some people are getting upset about what Jacinta writes – is more to do with her first article. In her first article – Jacinta spoke about motherhood in general as being a ‘breeze’ and stated that mothers who found it difficult were whinging and ‘acted as though they deserve a medal’. That is where people got their noses out of joint – because she wasn’t just talking about her own experiences, she was saying negative things about others who don’t find motherhood as easy.
In her second article – Jacinta still writes about her own experiences as being joyful and easy – but hasn’t mentioned other mums and I think this is why it has been much better received. No one wants to rain on Jacinta’s parade – they just don’t want anyone to rain on theirs.
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Absolutely right Dana, the difference between the articles is very clear. First article – affronted by us doom sayer mums. Second article – just her own stuff which is fine by me
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If you found motherhood easy, (like Jacinta does) then that is great. You are lucky. That does not mean that everyone does. For example I only gained 9 kilo’s during my pregnancy to give birth to a healthy baby boy of 4 kilo’s. Does that mean that I think that women who put on more weight are ‘lazy?’ No, I think I was the exception to the rule in that case, and that I was lucky. I just don’t get the positive outcome of big noting how easy you find something that many are struggling with.
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I read this article elsewhere yesterday and it absolutely resonated with me. In particular I love the following line:
So worth it to have a heart bursting with love.
I am going to try and hang onto that one when I’m about to strangle my toddler. Gosh, I can’t imagine how I’ll go with two.
Shame the whole article hasn’t been posted, go read the rest!
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Breastfeeding a newborn on one arm, sitting on half a butt on the edge of the bathtub while preventing a toddler from drowning with the other arm is just what people do, I guess.
That kind of “emergency thinking” goes along with keeping the key to the front door in your jean’s pocket at all times, letting second baby fall asleep in your arms and sneaking him into bed super quickly so toddler doesn’t have time to barge into the room, and there’s always the option of starting to implement mini time outs for the toddler so that spaghetti missiles start being less appealing.
I guess that is easy if you’re happy dealing with unreasonable tiny people 24/7 for years . After 10 years, I’m findng it less and less easy, my daughter is 2 and they’ve started arguing and screaming at each other, and I just know it’s going to become less and less easy. I’m expecting that in 5 year’s time, i’m going to expect my son to have mastered all life skills, found a job and moved out. It will be unreasonable, but 15 years of waiting for them to grow will do that to me. For sure.
edit to add another thought: I have easy babies, seriously, they’ve been the easiest babies ever. I found motherhood a bit less easy when I started crying at night because my son was bullied at school and had no friends, because I had no money to pay the electricity bill, because i was unsure my son could ever graduate or have a job and be happy and nobody cared but me, or everytime he came to me and asked “mom, why does nobody love me”.
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Perhaps you’ve hit the nail on the head here. While the work of parenthood is exhausting, the heartcrack of little souls being beaten down by the world is hard.
Babies are usually as joy, simple and uncomplicated happy if they are loved and well cared for. Children have the weight of the world on their shoulders, and you somehow have to protect them from that.
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yeah, i now think that my second thought was the one that stuck more to the reality of motherhood, to me. You’ve had this baby in your arms for a few years and have managed to keep them safe and happy, but as soon as they’re old enough to go to school, there’s nothing much you can do to protect them anymore. You still see them as innocent and sweet ,and have to stand by and watch them get slapped around by life while you still feel that they HAVE to be happy or your soul breaks, just like when they were tiny.
Sorry to be responding just to basically repeat what we’ve said but, I’m clarifying my thoughts about it as I type.
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ditto ditto
Though I must say I underestimated the drudgery of motherhood (the cooking, cleaning, washing etc) the actually mothering part was pretty easy for me when they were babies – when kisses and cuddles fix most things. I have found sending them out into the world and trying to keep that balance between protecting them and letting them make their own way so much harder.
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Nope, still don’t want to be a mother.
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If Jacinta is finding motherhood easy good on her. Some people do. You have to bear in mind that JAcinta is Very VERY financially comfortable.. Her husband/partner has a good job and she was pulling down a good salary pre kids. and is still earning some money now.She probably has a housekeeper, a gardener, her mother etc on tap to relieve her of my of the burdensome , hum drum domestic tasks that less resourced mothers have to do on top of childcare.
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Having traveled around the world a bit – I would say that most (not all) parents have it pretty good in Australia. And surely most people would have given some thought to the everyday humdrum domestic tasks that you point out and be willing to take them on when they have children – it’s sort of expected as part of the package right?
Jacinta has obviously worked hard to get herself into the position that she is in now and waited for an ideal time for herself to have a baby – and not just financially, she sounds like she has put quite a bit of thought and energy into her mental and physical health to be prepared for her responsibilities as a parent. Other people also often have the option to wait and spend some time and energy making sure they are reasonably well resourced and prepared as well – so I don’t think your comment is very fair.
To be honest I think a lot of people in Western societies do complain too much about everyday issues in general and the type of attitude shift Jacinta is talking about can be really valuable. When I’m sitting on a bus in one of the poorest countries in the world, where people are starving in the mountains and have to listen to tourists complain they were ‘ripped off’ 50 cents for a bag of mandarins I really struggle. And to be honest I see these types of attitudes quite a lot.
And I’m not talking about those people that have legitimate struggles and mental health issues – I just think we as a society have had our expectations increased to the point where those things that aren’t really all that necessarily negative or are fairly minor in the scheme of things could be re-evaluated with respect to the way that we relate to them – and that includes the everyday humdrum aspects of parenthood and life in general.
I’ve had longstanding issues with depression – and have had to experience finding things difficult that other people take for granted. I’d rather concentrate on my own issues and how I can improve them however than to be upset by other people’s joy or success.
I don’t think Jacinta’s articles were ever aimed at people who are having legitimate difficulties – I think she is expressing her beautiful joy at being a mother and suggesting that some of those everyday issues that are to be expected aren’t really all that bad and we can choose our response to the minor difficulties and inconveniences in our life.
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Thank you!
Everybody can benefit from an attitude shift, no matter what their gripe is. Everybody goes through tough times and has difficult things to deal with, but just by virtue of living in Australia, the majority of us are so blessed that it is painful to hear people complaining about it.
Yes, your kids may drive you to distraction but it is worth thinking through a few points:
- you actually have children, while there are lots who would really like some but can’t
- you have access to birth control that makes having children a decision, rather than an assumption
- you live in an increasingly child-friendly society where governments structure their budgets around what will most benefit families
- you can provide food, shelter and clothing for your child
- you are not raising your child in a warzone
- you know that your kids have educational opportunities regardless of their sex
- you can expect some of the best infant/childhood mortality rates in the world
- you have access to free or subsidized healthcare for you and your child
- you can actually buy a toy for your child
- you have support networks of friends, family, health care professionals or just other people going through the same stuff
- if you have PND or a child with disabilities or health challenges, there are actually resources available to you to fix it or at least make the best of it
If you could say yes to most of the above, as the majority of us can, you’re doing okay.
That doesn’t mean that you never encounter difficulties, but it does make it a bit facetious for the majority of Australian parents to consider their job as unfathomably harder than anything else a person could do, ever, because compared to a lot of other things, it’s a walk in the park. They are so lucky to have children, that they wanted, to raise in a country where their biggest concern will be whether they want grapes or apple for their snack. And that seems more like a blessing, something ‘easy’, rather than the endless burden some parents make it out to be.
It’s not Jacinta’s job to speak for every person who ever had a baby – she is simply explaining her experience and how she is making the best of things. I really don’t see how this is an attack on vulnerable mothers or whatever, that some of the other comments are making it out to be – it’s just her experience. It’s pretty ludicrous how quick some of the commenters here are to attack anybody who doesn’t share their experience. But… misery loves company..
So yeah, an individual day or week might be tiring or frustrating, but if you think your kids are “hard” all the time, maybe these people need to work as someone who cleans up after suicides and murders or have leukemia or volunteer with the CFA or look after an adult with motor neurone disease or go spend some time in a country where the majority of people could not possibly understand how a child would not want to eat their dinner because the alternative would be starvation.
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Spot on!
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exactly
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Do yourself a favour and read the rest of the article, Jacinta does point out that she is blessed, and that when things get tough she choses to look at the silver lining and have a laugh about it all.
It’s the similar idea as Mia’s piece about motivation to work out. It’s all a matter of attitude and trying to see the best in the situation.
Jacinta is not coming down on mum’s who struggle, she’s just saying that this is how she’s coping with it all.
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I have thought about this as an aside. Nothing to do with Jacinta……but juggling the bills, working out budget meals, wondering how much more petrol you have to get through the week all while caring for children who need new shoes, new singlets and new adventures makes the family experience quite stressful = motherhood can be difficult
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I’ve always found that the people who do truly find it easy normally have the humility not to say so. Maybe you could just smile smugly to yourself instead?
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LOVE this comment.
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Thanks Rainbow.
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Thank you Mel
Best comment so far and so so true
I used to find most subjects at school easy and was usually top of my class, but had another empathy (humility? Probably doesn’t sound like it now but was so long ago it hardly matters anymore) to learn that it would never be the right thing to say “gosh what are you all complaining about? This is not hard it is so easy etc etc”
to walk around saying “maths (or whatever) is easy” would have been smug and conceited beyond belief even though I enjoyed maths and truly found it easy
Why is motherhood any different? Shouldn’t we still show a bit of empathy?
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In asking for empathy around motherhood – why can’t you empathise with Jacinta?
Smug is an attitude Mel has pinned on her. Happy would be the description I would use.
World of difference between the two words, and the only factor in deciding which word is used depends on the point of view of the person using it.
Don’t mistake unashamedly happy as smug.
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You’re right Carly there is a world of difference between the two and unashamedly happy with herself is what I get from this article.That’s ok it happens to the best of us at some time.
I’m just commenting as I see it but I will go back and re-read it in case I’ve missed something and I mean that honestly
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Nope, I tried but still not feeling it.
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Hi Jacinta, great article. For me it is all about putting things into perspective. I am a new mum with a 3 month old bub and I am fortunate to have a very hands on partner and no signs of PND. When I find I am losing my patience and getting very frustrated, I try to think of all the friends I have who are desperately trying to conceive and how much they would give anything to have a baby, even if they were stuck at home being screamed at all day. I also try to remember that soon enough I will be back at work, no doubt stuck in a boring meeting and wishing I was still at home with my bub. This is what works for me on “those” days when bub is cranky and won’t settle and I have barely slept or eaten. That said though, everyone is different and what works for some won’t work for others.
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I agree with Kerri Sackville’s comment below. This article is beautiful and i loved reading it. I think Jacinta’s sentiment about ‘choosing’ to love certain aspects of motherhood is incredibly wise and can be applied to almost every aspect of life. At least most of the time! For me, the first article didn’t read quite as smoothly, probably for all the reasons already discussed at length.
Last week a conversation with a work friend prompted me to blog about one of the dreamy aspects of motherhood. I don’t find mothering easy all the time and I try to be frank and honest about that with firends, family and anyone who will listen. But my chat got me thinking that it’s just as important to be honest about the good bits. http://notanotherbloggingmother.blogspot.com/2011/10/dream-in-progress.html
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I think the use of the word ‘easy’ is why this article lacks empathy. Perhaps she means positive, rewarding, enriching. But saying that running after a toddler while breastfeeding to me is an example of a woman not in touch with herself. What makes motherhood amazing is that it is a constant juggling act snd it is exhausting and despite that, its incredibly rewarding and enriching. The term ‘easy’ undervalues the incredible efforts we go to for our children. If hearing the negative aspects is hard for you, then find like minded mothers. But don’t simplify the experience. I’m not a whinger. Im very lucky to have 3 healthy children. I’m a pretty relaxed parent and get great joy from my children. But as someone who is currently recovering from PND, im grateful i had the space in my life to say i wasnt happy and get help. This article is lacking empathy and when writing about motherhood, empathy should be at the forefront.
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Why does an OPINION piece have to be written out of empathy? This is HER experience just because other people may find motherhood harder, less fulfilling and boring than others doesn’t make Jacinita’s view wrong, just different. Why does she have to apologise all the time for her perosnal experience? She even says in the article that she is blessed that she has a supportive partner etc. What do people want and dont you understand what an opinion piece is???
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I enjoyed reading this article.
I think it’s a shame (? maybe not the right word) that the word ‘easy’ is being used though. But, I won’t take away from what Jacinta’s personal experience has been.
Things that are easy for me are shaving my legs, watering the garden and reading bedtime stories to the kids.
Overall, for me, I wouldn’t choose the word easy to describe motherhood. I would choose things like rewarding, challenging, enjoyable.
Our kids are (in no particular order) noisy, messy, loving, defiant, challenging, creative, social, mischievous and drive us batty at some stage each day. They are also totally adorable and we couldn’t imagine love like it before they arrived. You don’t know comedy until you have your own kids.
Total all that up and I still wouldn’t use the word easy to describe being a parent. It’s hard work. But I have also chosen to enjoy it. And enjoy it, I really do.
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You expressed my thoughts about this so clearly – thank you! I understand Jacinta is entitled to her experience, but as someone recovering from PND, I found the term ‘easy’ to be simplistic and really unempathetic. Thank you!
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Yes, I feel the same about the word “easy.” I enjoyed the article otherwise.
I have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a newborn and I have the worst headcold ever. My husband is working a 12 hour day. Yes I will still find my children rewarding today but today is definitely not going to be “easy.”
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Wonderful article!! I too have found motherhood easy and it’s nice to see that someone is finally ready to stand up and admit it. Many women out there feel they have to complain about how ‘hard’ mothering is, even when they don’t find it so, just so they aren’t resented.
What is so hard about going to the park to play? Or finger paint and spend time baking, playing with dolls, blocks or playdough all day? Lets not forget naptimes too (although mine didn’t nap after 11 months old) and all that ‘me’ time you get there.
Mothering is as difficult as women choose to make it (unless there is a child involved with special needs). Why not just relax and enjoy yourself? What is so hard about that?
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‘Mothering is as difficult as women choose to make it’
I didn’t choose to have PND twice, I’m just predisposed to it. Thankfully I have found medication has helped me ‘relax and enjoy it’.
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I dunno, some things just can’t be planned for. My sister is a great mother however she was 23 when she fell pregnant with twins. Her and her husband were just starting their lives together, had just bought a house and then bam…9 months later, two extra mouths to feed.
I guess it’s easy if you can plan your life out but somethings just don’t go to plan.
I don’t have kids but personally i don’t want to read about how easy someone finds motherhood. No matter how you justify it, it just comes across as arrogant.
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@Sharon-There are always complaints from mothers, which terrify childless people. I had one woman recently ask me if it is true what she was being told by everyone, that once she had a baby, she would no longer have time to read a few pages of a book or have a shower. So I do feel it’s nice for these women to hear that it’s not like that at all.
My first was certainly unplanned, arriving when I was only 18 and then her (planned) sister 18 months after that and the next sister (planned) 14 months after the second.
My husband was at uni still when the oldest came along. We knew we would need money so I, heavily pregnant, went out and started a business. I took 3 days off after birth and then went back into it again. The positive of this was I could take my new baby with me. When my husband finally graduated and got a job, I was able to stop working- which was a good thing as by that stage I had two babies, who were coming to work with me. We also went through buying a house when #3 came along and was 4 months old. So I do understand about unexpected events and having to make ends meet. But those things don’t stress me out. If we are lacking funds, then I cut back. No hassle for me. I don’t get worked up about it. I do something about it and that for me, is relaxing (I also fit uni in during this time, studying financial planning from home)
I just found that interaction was the key. If you interact with them a lot doing things they enjoy, always being willing to cuddle them and pick up the cues of when they are tired instead of waiting for them to get overtired, it is easy. Our oldest, as a baby, had crying fits that could last for 3 hours every night. That was not ‘hard’ either- I got to enjoy cuddling her, singing her lullabies to calm her and if they didn’t work, in the car we got and we went for a nice drive. That always put her to sleep and I also got to drive past kangaroo’s and koalas that were out for the night, and look at the pretty views.
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I agree motherhood is as easy or as hard as you make it. My son will be 7 weeks on Friday and although I have had one or two meltdowns all in all it has been a fairly easy couple of months (besides my initial stint in ICU & the whole almost dying during childbirth part)
I am not saying this to gloat or to be arrogant but after all the doom and gloom stories everyone told me I have been pleasantly surprised by how easy my experience has been and spent the first few weeks thinking I must have been forgetting something or doing something wrong…
So thank you for your story and comments now I don’t feel like such an outcast in motherhood!
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All I can say is enjoy them while you can I miss my babies who are now 21,19,16 &12 and our time together at home best days of my life now back working full time and would gladly go back to those times
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Oh this is a sweet reminder for me, spending my days at home with my 4 & 1 year old, thankyou
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Jacinta, I am very glad that you are enjoying motherhood. I think most mothers feel joy every day being a mother. But honey, that doesn’t make it easy. You wrote an article about motherhood being ‘easy’ when you had a baby in it’s first year. The first year is tiring, but much easier than what is to come… It would be really fantastic if you were able to admit that actually you meant to say ‘joyful’ rather than ‘easy’. Because the day that you wrote that first article and proclaimed that being a mother is easy is the day that you stepped on the sisterhood of honesty. (And made almost every single mother who read it who may be struggling, even with a healthy baby feel like crap.)
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Jacinta felt it was easy, I pretty much did too. Why cant she use that word if thats what she felt. Nothing against the sisterhood. Anyway by the amount of complaining from mothers I have heard over the years this article was a breath of fresh air. Seems the mothers get their fix by moaning and groaning and who wants to hear complaints day and night. Complain if they have children, complain if they cant have them. ITs relentless!
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oh man, why is it whenever anyone does or feels anything remotely not the ‘norm’, do people start throwing judgement stones? Jacinta probably did find it easy, she is not saying it is easy for EVERYONE. I read articles on here about women who find it terribly difficult to fall pregnant, I am not going to say they are wrong because my experience is different. I read articles on here about Miranda Kerr looking shit hot 8 months after having a baby, I had mine a week after her, I (and most of us)certainly do not look like that, but that’s not her problem and I am certainly not going to tell her to cover up.
You talk about the ‘sisterhood of honesty’, but what about the ‘sisterhood of just supporting all women and mothers regardless of how and why they do it’?
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Red Shoes – the reason that people got so upset by Jacinta’s first article is because she didn’t just stop at saying that she thought motherhood was easy – she then went on to say that mothers who didn’t find it easy were a bunch of whingers who were expecting a medal.
Everyone LOVES that Jacinta is having a great time as a mum – it is so wonderful to read such an amazing experience she is having. It’s bloody fantastic that she finds motherhood easy – no one is denying her that, and for some women, yes it very much is. But for some mothers it is not easy, and to be made to feel like you are whinging about absolutely nothing is what got up the noses of others.
No one wants to bring Jacinta down for finding motherhood easy. They just want her to acknowledge that those who don’t are just whining over nothing. Jacinta’s second article has been much more well received because she only talks about her own experiences without the judgment of others that was present in her first article. I for one am looking forward to reading more of her stuff – it truly is lovely to read positive stories about being a mum.
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As part of a growing tribe of “unintentionally childless” women, I LOVED both of Jacinta’s articles. I adore my friends with children but do get sick of the “oh you don’t know hard work until you have children” schtick. Err, yes, I do. Office politics, deadlines, career stalls, rude clients. Emotional rollercoasters? I get them too – commitment-phobic boyfriends, periods of no boyfriend, eggs shrivelling up while looking for new one, wanting a child and not being able to have one. Etc etc.
Spending your days in the workplace has its ups and downs, as does spending your days with children. To say one is harder than the other is ridiculous (I know I know, I wouldn’t know because I don’t have them … )
It’s almost (but not quite) as bad as “you don’t know love until you have children”. Which leaves those who wanted children but didn’t have them, where exactly? I don’t resent Jacinta her happiness, I love that she has it, and that she can see that she has it and is not woe is me. All power to you, girl. Similarly, I choose to ignore the constant bombardment of comment that suggests my life is a pale imitation of what it would be if I had children. It’s all in the attitude. Adapting your attitude to suit your predicament seems to me an eminently sensible idea.
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well bigfan, I’m a BIG FAN of your comment!! F’n awesome and couldnt agree more (written by a woman who has just been dumped at age 37).
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Oh thanks Nic-la and anon, bigfan is bighappy!
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You are brilliant!
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Thanks bigfan, have to agree with everything you said – it’s all about attitude – and yes, this is coming from a 40 year old who believed my partner when he got together with me at 35, and told me he really, really wanted children, but kept coming up with excuses why it wasn’t the right time…”In six months it will be the right time”, and silly me trusted his lies… Until I turned 39, gave him an ultimatum, ended up leaving him, and quickly ran off to the fertility clinic to get some eggs harvested… only to find out it was too late…I don’t have any…
So I had to adjust and build a whole new future for myself, and I am a very happy, optimistic person who loves her neices and nephews dearly and just smiles and nods when people say “40, that’s not too late, you never know”. Ummm yes, I do know, and I don’t feel that I need to share my medical history with you
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unfortunately a common enough story
having 3 kids (and wishing we had stopped @ 2) i’m probably the wrong person to talk , but do you sometimes wonder if we are brainwashed into expecting to have kids?
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Hmmm .. I have 2 thinking about a third, you’re one of the few who I have heard admitting you wished you stopped at two. Tell me more as I am pretty happy with my lot in life but think it would be nice for my 2 to have another sibling (I am one of two and always wished I had more siblings).
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Clara if you are happy with 2 then STOP! and don’t let people talk you into it. I got talked into it by people and I have struggled and coped very badly having 3. Don’t let anybody say if you have 2 one more won’t be too much harder in fact it feels at times like I have more than 3. I don’t mean to put a downer on it for you but I wish someone had said this to me and not glossed over how demanding it would be with a baby, a toddler and a school child both mentally and physically. (my baby is now 18 months old and I think it was about 18 months ago that I actually sat down for more than 2 minutes)
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I wish I had stopped at one , I KNEW I was unsure about it, but let my partner talk me into it. There are days when they are being so noisy and I could really deal with it if I had a “i really wnted this” feeling, but I really don’t. I feel “I never signed for that, HE wanted her, she’s HIS kid, can’t HE deal with it??”
So, yes, very unreasonable thinking lol, but it’s more of a feeling than a thought. Make sure you want more, don’t have a child for anyone else but yourself.
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I do really want a third but I am scared of things going wrong (I am 38) and of how hard it might be. There are days when my two are a handful and maybe I should stop at what I can manage.
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Husband wants a third. Me not so much…for many reasons but basically – two hands, two boobs, two kids
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Ah yeah, I see where you are coming from now. There are things to consider, such as your age (less energy than you had at 20, right) and how old you want to be when they all leave the house, but if you truly want a third, go for it though. I’m pretty sure it’s more work than 2, but some people manage it pretty well.
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I had lots of people tell me that two kids were manageable but when you go from two to three you really do notice it.
I had 3, aged five years and under, which wasn’t planned but found it was *ahem* okay. We are still alive to day anyway and the kids have great relationships with each other.
Sometimes, I wished I could have grown another pair of hands though.
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clara
having been brought up in the 60′s i have for some time now realised that for the average person the 60′s were probably as good as it’s going to get
looking ahead it seems obvious that for the majority of people in most countries life is going to get much more difficult
as an example of the trend; in New Zealand in the 60,s the Prime Minister (Keith Holyoake) kept a list of the registered unemployed people
at one point the list had 6 names on it
today economists talk about 4% unemployment as being “full employment”
we live in interesting times
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So Kiwichick are you saying it is for financial reasons that you wish you had stopped at 2 ? Or is it more than that ?
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We are brainwashed, to some degree – it hit me when I was 21 that I actually had a choice; that a fabulous, fulfilled life was possible regardless of what I chose.
Wish someone would tell that to all the women who don’t actually like children, but just need to get an identity somehow.. I know many of them, and it’s sad. Often, they are the ones who are so vocal about the “not knowing what love is until you’ve had a child” or being an incomplete woman or something.. because for them, it was true that a baby was the only thing that gave them any identity.
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Totally agree. I wish people would stop saying ‘you won’t know true love/happiness/inner peace until you have a baby’ and ‘You’ll change your mind when you’re older’ because I live in fear of being fine child free until I hit 40 and suddenly I want babies everywhere and everyone will be smug about it (I told you that would happen, etc) I don’t want that to happen! I’ve been brainwashed to believe that a switch will flick
I have already decided that, should that happen, those who were the most smug in telling me ‘you’ll want the later, (you silly girl!)’ aren’t going near any kids I may have/
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It’s probably very very sad to reach menopause and suddently think “OMG NO, i changed my mind, i want one!” , but it’s only hurting you. I think it’s far worse to give in and have a baby when you’re not quite sure about it, and find yourself looking at your child thinking…”I change my mind. I don’t want YOU.” that’s worse, I think.
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I totally don’t think you don’t know love and happiness until you have a child. I was so in love and so happy with my husband before I had my daughter, and I still am. I don’t love her more than him in any way – it’s just a different love. I can’t stand self righteous women who go on differently.
I have to say that for me, the first six weeks with a new baby is harder than when I was working long hours, by a lot. But that’s just been my experience.
Everyone is fighting their own battles, so we should all stop judging one another!
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ZOMG, kiwichick, I’m pretty sure we women are brainwashed to a degree – I’m sick of being made to feel less of an adult for not having kids, despite me *choosing* a kid-free life
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nicki; i would suggest that there is absolutely widespread brainwashing to try to push us to have kids
ask yourself who keeps pushing for constant population growth
@ 1.53% Australia’s population will double in 47 years to 45 million
how do we cut ghg emissions by 80% by 2050 when our population could double in the same time period??
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Thanks bigfan – you’ve captured my thoughts exactly.
I can’t tell you the number of times I have had colleagues tell me how lucky i am and how easy I have it, when they have to work two or three days a week in the office, and then look after the kids. I work 60 or more hours every week but would happily cut a lot of that (and a lot of the money) to have a family if I was blessed with this opportunity.
I love that Jacinta so openly enjoys her life with the kids and, while acknowledging not everyone has it easy, also respects that those without kids can have it tough.
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Lovely article, it reminded me of when I had two babies just 22 mths apart. Enjoy the baby time, it’s so special !!!
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Well said Molly. Loving your kids does not lessen the sleep deprivation, the frustrations, the mundane boring housework, nor never having a minute to yourself…(or money in my case!) but the utter joy of your children, the tender love you feel for them, that’s what makes it worthwhile. Now I truly understand what they mean when they say, “I wouldn’t give them back for anything” …because they are everything.
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meditation really helps me to enjoy my time with my kids as well. i’m acutely conscious of how precious this time is, how quickly it will be gone. i’ve gotten the impression from mums with grown up kids that a lot of them feel the time when their children were young was the best time of their life, and i think it makes sense that it would, it makes you feel so necessary & useful, which is a wonderful feeling to have.
my boys are now 6 & 7 & i’m ttc no. 3. my husband doesn’t want to, so i was resigned to stopping at two, plus i enjoyed getting back into the workforce & finishing with nappies etc, but i realised recently how much i want another one, or at least to try. i think i realised how rapidly they become relatively independent (when healthy, touch wood), after toddlerhood they get to an age where they are truly pretty easy, and even more enjoyable to be around! my kids are so excited by the prospect of another sibling, i really hope it happens, but in the meantime just realising how much i would like to have another one makes me appreciate the two i have even more.
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Jacinta, I interpret your use of the word ‘easy’ as being equated with joy and happiness, fulfillment and being blessed. I love my role as a mother, I so cherished the time when my boys were little and at home with me, and I do feel truly blessed. I don’t complain about being a mum, and I can think of nothing I would rather do, BUT, it isn’t easy. It is easy to love, but not to parent. It is easy to cherish, but not to discipline. It is easy to feel grateful, but not to go about mundane tasks. I do think that you can be joy-filled, but also find the parenting caper a difficult task.
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I totally agree!!
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I agree.
I adore my 3.5 yr old and 10 mth old but often need to remind myself to enjoy these precious years. Sleep is the biggest issue for me, once my daughter starting sleeping through at 8 mths everything was easier.
I don’t think we should feel guilty about having a winge about the tough times every now and again. It doesn’t mean you don’t love being a mum and know how lucky you are but we’re not super human and some days are really tough.
I think if we stop talking about how we really feel then it could be quite isolating.
I believe in the power of positive thinking but some days you would need to be the dalai lama to not find it a struggle. It’s just not that simple.
Btw, Jacinta where do you find the time to meditate with your 2, evenings?
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Couldn’t agree more!
While I love hearing more positive experiences about parenting and motherhood, I feel that in this article Jacinta’s use of “easy” really equates to joyful and rewarding.
I find parenting bloody challenging at times, but it is also one of the most amazing, fulfilling experiences and easily the best thing I have ever done. The love I feel for my kids is like nothing else. But I would be lying if I said in a blanket statement – motherhood is easy. I have found different ages and stages each have their own joys and challenges, but I agree with Jacinta that your outlook certainly makes a difference. Good health, sleep and a strong support network are also major factors in how you cope.
Jacinta – congratulations on your two beautiful boys. You are a brave woman to enter into the fray again!
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It’s so easy to love your kids it’s ridiculous
But the job comes with a lot of work, crazy hours and putting them first more than yourself. Can be hard sometimes.
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I think she got her point across far better this time. The first article I found extremely judgemental and offensive, but I think she did a better job this time of sticking to her own experiences.
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So true!
I much preferred this article. The last one seemed so smug and judgmental. This time was much nicer as she focused on the personal.
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I read the first article and totally agreed but my bub sleeps through, has never once vomited, is constantly smiley, entertains herself and eats anything. I don’t much care if the kitchen floor gets dirty or shampoo gets poured down the loo. It’s easy because my kid is easy. I looked after a friends wee boy the other day and as soon as he was gone I poured a bottle of wine down my neck then fell asleep. Not a bad little guy, just much more work than mine.
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Goodness this is sooo true. And the variable of individual temperament among children does not get mentioned enough.
Most kids go through at least one rugged patch in the 20 or so years they are with us. If this period occurs when you are at home alone with them 24/7 it’s hardly a surprise some mum’s need the odd solid whinge to get through it!
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Jacinta,
Your first article made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up – for me it was never about the content – your experience is as valid as everyone elses, but your tone was awful.
This time, I am pleased to see that you are still happy, but the tone in your article means that this time around, I’m happy for you too.
I hope you have the opportunity to share some more with us.
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You have said exactly what I feel about this whole “Jacinta articles” situation – spot on! The smugness of the first article make me so cross but this one came across as much more in tune with her mother colleagues.
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I can relate very much to Jacinta’s decision to react positively towards the challenges of parenthood. I was a young mother in the 80s, and had 4 children in 6 years, my last at 27.
While that seems to be an unusual thing now, it wasn’t so much back then. Many of the mothers of young children who read Mamamia certainly would have come from such families.
I can remember consciously making the decision that this time with the kids
was going to be as happy as I could make it. Believe me it was so hard sometimes, particularly as we didn’t have a lot of money. I’m sure I had mild depression after my third. Sometimes I wished they would all just hurry up and grow up.
I think most parents really try to do the very bet they can for their children. PND is awful, and my heart goes out to anyone who experiences it. However, parents who have unrealistic expectations of themselves and /or their children, and become unhappy driving themselves mad, are choosing that path. Pull back a bit. Enjoy the small things. Bit of a long rant for me, and a bit over the place, but I am glad to have the chance to express it.
I would have loved an iPad and Mamamia 30 years ago!
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I enjoyed the article and agree that motherhood is amazing. By far the hardest but yet the best thing I’ve ever done.
I am thrilled for those who have a wonderful experience but firmly disagree that it’s as easy as “choosing” to. For many, it’s simply not possible.
At the end of the day we all want to love it. I’m blessed to have found I did but think it came down to luck with hormones, sleep, support & a good birth (which is simply not something you can wish for). I love it because circumstance allowed this, not because I decided to!
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great to read something positive. My SIL is struggling with her first baby and it’s made me wonder how I’d cope when the time comes. I’m a positive person and I hope that I will approach it the way you have. Good luck <3
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Great article. My sister has a very disabled 5 year old who has only just started walking, can only just feed himself (but it’s VERY messy), isn’t remotely near being toilet trained, may never speak, can’t see well and can’t really communicate at all. All that and all the other potential health problems that come along with an undiagnosed condition. They have no prognosis about how long he might even live. I look at my two healthy rambunctious kids (4 and 7) and I am grateful every day that I don’t have to deal with what my sister does and I am full of admiration for her and he husband.
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I would like to suggest a topic for further discussion…….
How parents should treat the topic of their children around their friends without children and vice versa.
I have a good friend who has a 6 month old and all she does is talk about him. I swear that in the last 6 months all our phone conversations (she lives in the country and we speak most days) begin with her telling me about her child. It’s either what he has done today, his progress, decorating his room, etc. I havent said anything to her as I dont want her to think I dont care- I just want to talk about other things as well as her beautiful little boy! I work long hours in a very stressful job (which is very rewarding) and I constantly feel like she thinks I wont know real stress or Exhaustion until I have a child.
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All new parents can’t stop talking about their kids. One of my best friends was like this for the first year or two but now she loves to hear about my life as she now has 3 kids. She never makes me feel like I won’t know real stress, but my SIL does it all the time now that she has her first bub. it’s just part of being a friend, try to brush it off because it will go away
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I am a mum and yet I still find those kind of friends and conversations soooo boring, especially when it’s about sleep or poo
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I dont mean to sound like a total bitch about it but it’s doing my head in! I still ask her questions about her little man and am there when she needs to chat but how about returning the favour?! Just because she has had a child doesn’t mean the world has stopped turning. There is only so much I can talk about baby food, teething etc because I dont know that much on the subject! I just ask questions so I dont seem totally bored. I have a few other friends who are mothers and have handled this really well.
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You are not being a bitch! I think you sound very reasonable. I’m a mum to 3 kids and have many childfree friends. I LOVE spending time with them and I LOVE having conversations that don’t revolve around kids.
Some of my friends with children are just like your friend – all they want to talk about is their child/ren. It drives me nuts too!
However, a couple of my friends talk incessantly about their jobs – I find this equally as boring. I think it is a matter of balance. I’m happy to hear about kids/jobs/mad mothers-in-law/ whatever, as long as the whole conversation is not dominated by one topic (or one person.)
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I’m with you! I love my kids and am always happy to talk about them when my friends ask after them… but I can’t tolerate catching up with friends who do nothing but talk about kids and parenting. It is mind-numbingly boring and can be contentious.
I try really hard to divert conversation to things that I know I have common with each friends like sharing a new recipe, or chatting about a new movie or book, which restaurants we would like to go to etc.
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I think it is important to remember that while you are wildly in love with and totally enchanted by your child, other people just aren’t. Talking about the kids constantly will just bore people, the same as if you were talk about any other subject incessantly.
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Definitely – we all have a social obligation not to bore our conversation partners to tears.
Maybe instead of buying a new mother some newborn clothes we could arrange a subscription to a current affairs magazine.
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Ooooo … love this idea!
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The other thing could be that she literately just doesn’t have anything else to talk about.
If she’s stuck in the house all day and doesn’t get out to see friends very often, then she won’t have any news aside from about the baby.
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Blondage, that’s just ridiculous, she doesn’t have to talk about the latest news if she doesn’t have time to watch/read them but just because she had a baby doesn’t mean she can no longer have opinions on a range of topics and talk about them. Conversation doesn’t have to be just about current affairs. It’s comments like this that me make me really scared to have a baby, that you have to be stuck in a house all day and your whole world is reduced to sleep, poo, teething and breastfeeding. That’s a really scary and depressing thought.
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Anon, you’ve obviously never had a baby while living 1700kms from the nearest city.
It can be like that when you live in a small rural town.
It can be like that when you don’t have all the digital stations and the only two regional TV stations play nothing but Opera, Bold and the Beautiful, and Days of Our Lives.
It can be like that when the rest of your friends work fulltime and therefore CAN’T see you through the day.
Some weeks you ARE stuck in the house with a teething, cranky, non-sleeping baby.
Some weeks you can go out and do things.
But when you live rurally, sometimes there is NO WHERE to go and NOTHING to do.
There are weeks when I have 1000 things to talk about because I’ve been out and about, seeing things, people, movies, concerts, sports events, socialising, shopping, etc.
There are weeks when I have NOTHING to talk about except Squiggle because I’ve been 100% focused on him while he’s been sick/not sleeping/teething/whatever.
THAT is a reality that all parents have to face eventually.
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Hi! I’m the one that started this discussion- I totally agree that sometimes when you are so flat out with one thing there really isnt anything else to talk about but we have the type of relationship where we can (or used to) talk about crap for ages. It seems like all I do is work, so when I get a chance to catch up with friends thats the last thing I want to talk about. We have so many things in commen and ultimately a job or a baby is only a tiny part of who you are as a person.
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Sympathy! Because I’m in the same boat, and it’s excruciating. Just as much as if we bailed up the new mother and talked about our new puppy without pausing for breath. And because you are likely to get crucified here for not being a ‘supportive’ friend, for daring to want to talk about something else for five minutes.
Honestly, there is no excuse for women talking non-stop about their new baby, because plenty of women manage to avoid it and maintain interests outside of their baby.
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Right there with you. I’m almost 18 months in, and still haven’t found a way. And yes, I know-maybe my dress I was going to wear to a part not fitting isn’t a massive problem in the scale of thngs, but it’s still bugging me. Or what about my life, or my work, or boyfriend, or SOMETHING.
The worst thing is, it makes me not want to ask questions relating the the baby (which I still do), because I know I’ll get close to a monologue.
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My daughter is 20 months and I’m five weeks pregnant… I remember reading your first article and just nodding all the way through it… I love this article too… You speak so honestly about what it’s like… I hate it when people say it’s so ‘difficult’ it’s so ‘hard’ blah blah- I feel sorry for their kids and I hope their kids don’t hear them say that… My daughter is nothing but a joy and I can’t think of anything Id rather be doing then spending my days with her- except maybe with her and the new baby! Today the queen was on tv Anne she said mummy it’s Nanna! Little things like this all day just make me laugh and feel full of love… I think I probably get about 4000 kisses a day too which is a pretty cool perk…
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