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by TRACEY COX
Ever tried S&M? Ever considered trying it? Mamamia sexpert Tracey Cox may have some advice that you could help you…
Question: My boyfriend says he wants to try S&M. I don’t really know anything about it but what I do know doesn’t thrill me at all. He says he wants to play games where I’m in charge or he is and we get to boss each other around. I’m usually up for most things but do you think this involves causing pain because I’m definitely not into that!
Tracey Says: Bondage (tie-up games) jumped the fence between kinky and commonplace some time ago, spanking is currently straddling it and S&M is pawing at the ground, poised to take a flying leap but hasn’t landed yet. True S&M devotees are still considered ‘weird’ and unsavoury by the great unwashed but a rising number of ‘normal’, contemporary couples are incorporating elements of it into their sex play.
S&M seem to go together like gin and tonic but the truth is, they’re two separate sexual practices. (I actually think what your boyfriend is talking about is power games and not S&M at all). Sadism is inflicting pain on others in order to feel sexual pleasure, masochism is the need to feel pain in order to feel sexually aroused. That’s the true definition of S&M but it is also about power – playing dominant and submissive roles – and that’s where I think your boyfriend has got confused. Power games simply involve one of you giving up control and the other taking it. Which is a damn sight less scary than full blown S&M.
Ask your boyfriend if he means he wants to play a power game. If he does (and I’m betting I’m right here) and you decide you would like to give it a try, decide whether you want to have the power – or relinquish it. If you choose to be the ‘submissive’ person, you’re released from all responsibility (great if you have to make all the decisions at work), get to be the centre of attention, desirable and alluring. The ‘dominant’ (the one that takes control) will stop at nothing to possess you. For this first attempt, keep it relatively simple and nothing too out there. If you’re the ‘submissive’ one, you might have to be obedient: give an erotic massage, perform a striptease, draw a bath for your ‘master’ and dry him off afterward.
If you choose to be the ‘dominant’, you call the shots. It’s up to you to set the scene, keep things going – calm them down or hype them up. You get to be selfish, cruel, superior (in short, a right bitch or bastard) without getting in trouble. It’s usually the most confident person who assumes this role but even if you’re not, give it a whirl. It can make you feel more confident in real life.
It goes without saying that you should only agree to this if you feel comfortable. But if he’s simply trying to make sex a little edgier, why not try a safe version of his fantasy and see how you like it?
Tracey Cox is an internationally recognised sex, body language and relationships expert as well as a TV presenter. She’s appeared on Oprah, CNN and The Today Show in the US, as well as numerous prime-time chat shows in the UK and world-wide. Her first book, Hot Sex: How to Do It, was an instant worldwide success and is now available in 140 countries. Her other book titles include Hot Sex, supersex, superflirt, Hot Relationships and superhotsex. She also has her own range of Tracey Cox Supersex Toys and Lubricants.
Follow Tracey on Twitter @TraceyCox or on Facebook here. Her website is at www.traceycox.com and you can buy her books here. Tracey also blogs weekly here.
Have you and your partner ever tried S&M? Would you? If not, what is it that holds you back? And if so, spill the beans because we want to hear about it!
Comments
40 Comments so far
Personally I love giving up a little control. I’m not game to do the full s&m thing but over time I’ve discovered that a hard couple of butt slaps near orgasm while doing doggy or using my long hair to control the depth my man goes in is incredibly hot. I also enjoy the passionate kisses while he holds my hands down. It’s not about having my power taken away, its about giving it to someone I trust and it feeling amazing!
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I’m a bit concerned that S&M is the new anal, and that soon everyone will feel pressured to do it. That is fine if you’re experienced and know what you want, but potentially very dangerous to vulnerable young girls/women trying to navigate early sexual experiences.
It used to be that brazillians were uncommon – now they’re totally the norm. Then anal was still a no-go zone, and now it’s expected by a lot of young men. Now every where I look I’m hearing about S&M – popular books, songs on the radio (thanks Rihanna!), websites, etc. Restraints, slapping, spitting, choking etc is already common in most porn to various extents, and now it’s out in the general mainstream as a cool, normal, sexy thing to do.
Of course S&M is fine if both people are into it, but I feel like it’s a tricky thing to have slipped onto the list of “standard sexual experiences”. If you’re older and sexually experienced then you’re probably comfortable and confident enough about sex, what you’re comfortable with and your partner to communicate what you do and don’t want to do. But for girls and young women beginning their sexual life, S&M could be a scary and dangerous thing to be told that you’re ‘supposed’ to like (or that it’s common to like it and that most people do).
It’s hard enough working out if and when you’re comfortable having sex and with whom…let alone countering requests for anal, S&M and whatever else gets completely mainstreamed. It’s concerning that girls (or boys) might do things that damage them because they’re not sure how to say no, or whether it’s okay to.
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I am quite young (20s) and I have no idea where this came from, but I am such a prude when it comes to sex. I want to be one of those empowered women who are comfortable with their own sexuality but for some reason I find it really difficult. For example if my partner and I start doing pretty much anything other than missionary or girl on top, I get really embarrassed and start feeling guilty or ashamed or something. I feel like if people knew this was the “real” me they would judge me! I have only had 2 partners and was in long-term relationships with both of them, so deep down I know I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I wasn’t raised in a religious household or anything and my parents have a perfectly normal attitude to sex. My boyfriend loves it so no problems there either. But I just can’t “liberate” myself haha. Has anyone ever had a similar experience and overcome it? Because it does put a bit of strain on my relationship, and I’d like to have more fun.
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What I will say to you is what I wish someone had said to me when I was your age… enjoy what you are doing right now. Your confidence etc. will come with time. I”m mid 30′s and have finally worked out masturbation and true orgasms. Not every thing will be your ‘cup of tea’ and that’s fine. Read up on some good sex forums and take your time. There’s no rush. Some women don’t hit their stride until mid 40′s!!
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Sadly I think there is still this idea floating around in society that sex is naughty and wrong and something women shouldn’t enjoy – or something that shouldn’t be done at all unless for procreation.
I can’t really offer any advice, unfortunately, except to try talking to him outside of the bedroom (or in it, or by email if you feel you can’t do it face to face) about what your fantasies are, or what you’d like to explore with him. Rest assured you have NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT!!! Consensual sex is a wonderful and healthy thing and should be enjoyed.
Perhaps read up on the sex-positive movement, which might give you some confidence and ideas. I can tell you it took a lot for me to open up to my boyfriend (now of 6.5 years), including treatment for depression and anxiety, to get to where we are today – but it’s so much fun! And you know what? No one else will know what you and your partner do in the bedroom (or bathroom, or kitchen…!) unless you tell them. No one can tell your sexual preferences just by looking at you unless you have them written on your person somewhere.
I hope this helped at least a little bit, even just knowing that there are people out there in the same situation… I wish you the absolute best of luck and good sex from here on in!!
xx
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Anon for this particular one I think.
My boyfriend and I have been into some mild BDSM stuff for a while, i.e. spanking, light bondage, power games. It doesn’t have to be scary, it can be really fun! And as someone who studies hard and has to have everything organised, it’s refreshing to let someone else take charge. Then again, there are times when I’m the one who likes to be on top instead.
But yeah, communication (especially the use of safewords) are so important, because I think you can only have a good relationship with BDSM when both (or more) partners trust each other completely.
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i want to buy a vibrator, what is the best around, what are the differences?
i know not on the topic but i thought this site may have some answers for me
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Wi-vibe fantastic and fits everywhere
lelo fav
Silicone based as these are better at being waterproof.
No batreries charge with cable but lelo lasts for ages as does wi-vibe..
Consider basics of what your body likes eg internal or external clit etc I have one (of the many) shaped like a large egg I use external
Look for strong or varied vibration low noise.
Does not have to be ‘penis’ shaped.
Just check out the options on any sex site or my fav en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=femme-homme&groupName=ELISE
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Have a look on FemPlay.com.au – they have reviews by the site owner AND customers. There’s a section for “beginners” – maybe start there
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First up, I think it’s great that MM has approached this – but I’m a little disappointed you didn’t find someone in the kink community to answer this question!
Let’s break down BDSM first.
BD = Bondage/Discipline
DS = Domination/submission
SM = Sadism/Masochism
Let’s start with the basics:
Communication. This should come WAY before anything else be it educational or physical. You two need to talk to each other and have an open and HONEST dialog about what you like, dislike, want, are curious about, refuse to try ect. If either party involved isn’t honest then you’re risking not only hurt feelings but possible harm done to the other. Keep this communication thing going though. It shouldn’t just be a one time thing, it needs to continue as you grow in your relationship as well as grow in your BDSM knowledge base.
We’ll get back to the communication thing in a bit.
Next step!
Education! Before you throw a lasso around your SO and string them up from the rafters it’s a REALLY good idea to learn what in the hell you’re trying to do and make sure it is physically, mentally and emotionally safe for all parties involved. To get to this there are a number of books that you can read, my personal suggestion for someone new is Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns. If it has to be in book form, try that one. Other great books are The New Topping Book, and The Ethical Slut. If you’re more the type that likes to read on the intrawebs you should really check out http://www.fetlife.com as a starting place. It is not a meatmarket but more of a social outlet for kinksters. A place to learn about BDSM as well as find your local scene.
Please note I do NOT suggest anything by Wiseman for newbies. He is very pretentious and elitist in not only the subjects he writes about but also in his approach to the entire scene. I am not saying he doesn’t have some good ideas and articles, merely that his SHOULD NOT be the first introduction someone has to the BDSM world.
Throughout this education phase you should be sharing and talking with your SO about what both of you are learning. Share what gets you hot, what gets him hot, what squicks either of you out, what questions you are working on. In short share EVERYTHING that you’re finding!
Next step?
Get out there! I am a HUGE proponent of becoming a part of your local scene. Meeting those that can help and support you in your journey cannot be overstated. Not only will these people make you feel like less of an outlier sexually speaking they are a font of information in your travels. Looking for a local kink shop? They’ll know. Looking for where to get the right rope? They’ll know. Looking for someone to teach you how to rig? They’ll know. Looking to learn about fire play? They’ll know. Looking. . . well you get the point.
So now what?
Now? Now you need to remember that regardless of all the “rules” and the “right way” and “wrong way” the ENTIRE PURPOSE of BDSM is to have fun. That’s right. It may well be a lifestyle for some and a minor kink for others but if you aren’t having fun shocking your SO with a cattle prod then why in the hell are you doing it?! So make sure you and your partner are having fun!
Keep your mind open and stay safe! And remember the most important part of playing with kink – keep it SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL!
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I read the story of 0 and I have to say why??????
Why would anyone degrade themselves like O????
If you haven’t read it it is a s&m book abs involves lots of rape, assault and mean nasty men and dumb women letting men gang rape and assault them. Nice.
the milder version above sounds harmless though.
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I love reading these sealed sections. I had never heard of D/S relationships a month ago, and now I’m onto the second 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. Its made me realise how utterly boring my sex life is. And also made me realise how much I’m missing out on!
I have a question though, i’ve got a young child (18 months) and whilst I love fantasising about this stuff and wish that my husband and I could do some of this type of stuff, I kind of feel like now that I’m a mother, it would be too weird/wrong to do these things. It seems like the sort of stuff that only young child free people can do.
Does anyone else feel like this?
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Completely depends on your viewpoint. Generally the cliche is that Americans go back to their puritan roots when they give birth and think that mothers cannot be sexy or enjoy sex too much… Europeans consider this notion ridiculous and carry on having a sex life in whatever manner they please, while still managing to bring up perfectly healthy and happy children. I know which philosophy I prefer!
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Keep reading the books, Then you *might* get an answer to your question.
In my experience, as the kids get older you start to feel more human less ‘mummy’ 100% off the time. Maybe a dirty weekend away if someone is trustworthy enough to watch bubba?
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May I offer an alternate viewpoint? Would you engage in regular , boring sex in front of your child? that’s right , even missionary is completely inappropriate for children . That’s why they sleep in a different bedroom . So while YOUR bedroom door is closed , why not be as inappropriate as you want to be? ^^
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Good point!
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My hubby and I actually met on an S&M site and it was supposed to be a purely sexual relationship but we fell in love, six years of marriage and one child later we are still very much in love. The S&M stuff did die off a bit after I had my child because I was struggling with the whole mother/whore complex. Reading the fifty shades trilogy has actually ramped up the S&M side again. I was lying in bed next to him whilst reading it, looked over and realised goddamn I’ve got my own Mr Grey right here, how lucky am I! So, suffice to say our sex life is back to the mind blowing early days and I couldn’t be happier (and the mother/whore complex is gone). We did the whole dirty weekend away a few weeks back and it was a good opportunity to get right into it without worrying about the little one walking in.
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I don’t think it would be weird or wrong – unless you were to do those things in front of your child
You are not just a “mother” – your husband is not just a “father”. Don’t allow those words completely define you! You are a woman in a (presumably) loving relationship – you have every right to expect, demand and receive a fulfilling sex life
Just because you’ve had a child doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to one.
Go have some fun
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R v Brown. For any law students out there.
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Wow, just read up on it. Interesting.
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Just read it too- I agree with the judges in most part- Not ok. just because they find it sexy does not make it ok to do such severe things to people.
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There’s also the argument that if it were ok then it would justify other acts of violence against persons who had granted consent. The man or woman who consents to take a bashing to prevent harm from occurring to another, (although there’s the coersion is not consent argument against that) or as part of an indoctrination process (hazing) for long term benefit….. or because they can only get pleasure from giving pleasure to others (and the other’s pleasure requires it)… what a minefield!
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See the below:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Spanner
Seems R v Brown was more a case of homophobia then anything else considering other cases involving heterosexuals and death have NOT been prosecuted…
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Most importantly: agree on a “safe” word before you even start. It can’t be “no” or “stop” or anything like that incase you wind up saying those words as part of the game. Something completely unrelated like Rollerskates, and you both know as soon as one of you says it the game is over.
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YES. I can’t believe the author of this article didn’t mention safewords! If you’re engaging in any kind of power/pain play, a safeword is so important! The most common ones in the BDSM community are ‘safeword’ and ‘red’.
I personally use ‘red’ (stop right now, I’m not enjoying this), ‘yellow’ (slow down – I’m not so sure about this, but I’m not ready to stop), and ‘green’ (holy hell, keep going). The Dominant should ALWAYS be checking the subs reactions, and communication should be open at all times during play. BDSM play is -not- for the easily embarrassed. If you can’t talk about what you want and how to do it, you shouldn’t be doing it.
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Cut the author some slack Sarah – you didn’t remember about it in your other post either.
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Try a club! There are plenty around where you can watch others engage! There is one on in Sydney tomorrow night
Pain isn’t static it changes and so does what you need to get the pleasure. Pain for me is something that I crave in the safe confines of my relationship. I can have sex without it but with it well it’s beyond mind blowing. I love subspace!
I live in a D/s relationship with someone I love – who has never been a cruel bastard!
There are heaps of blogs around that submissive women & women engaging in S&M write. Check them out & see if it’s what you want.
If not then the answer is NO! Safe, sane & CONSENSUAL is the only way.
Have fun
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Have you got any links for clubs?? My husband and I are really curious about going along to something like this but a bit nervous . . .
I’m pregnant at the moment so will probably have to put it off for a year or two!! Typical that I’m feeling super horny & up for anything thanks to the hormones but that very same condition is what’s stopping me
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Do your research on the club and it’s rules first before attending.
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You might be more interested in going to a munch before attending a play night at a club. A munch is a non-sexual, public gathering for kinksters, and will be far less intense for a first foray than going straight to a play party! Check out fetlife.com for more information on munches in your area.
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A club might be a bit out there for someone a little unsure of it…
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I must admit i did like the 50 shades trilogy, read it twice, but not really into role playing myself. maybe in a few years time when the kids are a bit older and i have time to be more experimental?
But the books did make me think of some ‘interesting’ business ideas for those looking for the ‘fifty shades’ experience.
Such as a “Christian Grey’ type workshop where men were taught (no I havent really thought much into the how) to become more confident and domineering like Christian. I love my husband but i have to admit i certainly fantasised about him taking on a “Christian Grey” role, just he would have to learn how to use the toys mentioned.
Or even an escort type business just for women with their own little Christian Grey clones (not looks just sexual prowess) to awaken houswives such as my self who may need a bit of a wake up call.
Please don’t judge me, im not saying I want to cheat on my husband, i just like the idea of feeling ‘new’ again.
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Don’t we all like the feeling of *new* again. This is something I struggle with so I’m single for now – I know my so-called weaknesses but I hope I grow out of them.
I couldn’t read the follow up books to 50 shades. Hopefully sometime in the future I’ll give it a go.
I’m not into S&M but I can understand how some people would find it erotic. Perhaps a slow introduction is the key here… just talking to your partner/husband and communicating about what kind of things turn you on.
There are escort businesses out there for ladies and they do take couples as well, although most of them are strict on the no man on man contact. But, of course, it depends what you are in to.
No one would judge you. I certainly wouldn’t. I think talking about it with your husband would be healthier than letting these fantasises swirl around in your head. Who knows, he might love to try new things!
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Thanks Roserusso, I felt a bit nervous about posting my comment.
I think the blogs mentioned above might be a great idea to start. I think I’m really wrapped up in a fictional story right now and a little realism might be in order.
Thanks again, I appreciate your reply. It has made me think about a few things.
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You’re welcome Mrs Grey. Have a lovely weekend x
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just out of curiosity, why couldn’t you read the follow up books? In my opinion they evolve (not writing style, the story/relationship) I always down load a preview on ibooks first to see if i’m going to like it before purchasing. There is talk of the Author writing the series from Christians point of view/narrative. In the end of the last book on ibooks there is a chapter written in Christians view and its interesting to see how he thinks about things, but I believe she held back a bit when writing this version, maybe cause the author is female?
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I agree Donna, the evolution of the relationship is the most enjoyable dynamic. I’m just a few chapters into the third one.
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To be honest I needed a break from all the sex. I needed to read a few books in between about anything, ANYTHING other than how Anastasia was feeling.
I become a bit overwhelmed and while I was reading I had no sexual partner so it was a bit tough
I will read the rest as people have been positive about them just not sure when. I saw them in Big W yesterday for under $10ea (I don’t own an e-reader yet) but I guess I should buy them while they’re cheap and read them later.
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Do you have an iPhone or iPod/Pad?
Just download the Kobo or Kindle apps and you can read them on there. I bought all three books for $8 each and red them on there.
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I have an iPad but call me old fashioned I’m not that keen on reading off it. I prefer books. I may buy a kindle in the future as it reads like a book (I bought my mum one this year for her birthday) but I’m yet to take the leap.
Thanks for the suggestion though, that’s cheap!
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