by TRACEY COX
Ever tried S&M? Ever considered trying it? Mamamia sexpert Tracey Cox may have some advice that you could help you…
Question: My boyfriend says he wants to try S&M. I don’t really know anything about it but what I do know doesn’t thrill me at all. He says he wants to play games where I’m in charge or he is and we get to boss each other around. I’m usually up for most things but do you think this involves causing pain because I’m definitely not into that!
Tracey Says: Bondage (tie-up games) jumped the fence between kinky and commonplace some time ago, spanking is currently straddling it and S&M is pawing at the ground, poised to take a flying leap but hasn’t landed yet. True S&M devotees are still considered ‘weird’ and unsavoury by the great unwashed but a rising number of ‘normal’, contemporary couples are incorporating elements of it into their sex play.
S&M seem to go together like gin and tonic but the truth is, they’re two separate sexual practices. (I actually think what your boyfriend is talking about is power games and not S&M at all). Sadism is inflicting pain on others in order to feel sexual pleasure, masochism is the need to feel pain in order to feel sexually aroused. That’s the true definition of S&M but it is also about power – playing dominant and submissive roles – and that’s where I think your boyfriend has got confused. Power games simply involve one of you giving up control and the other taking it. Which is a damn sight less scary than full blown S&M.
Top Comments
Personally I love giving up a little control. I'm not game to do the full s&m thing but over time I've discovered that a hard couple of butt slaps near orgasm while doing doggy or using my long hair to control the depth my man goes in is incredibly hot. I also enjoy the passionate kisses while he holds my hands down. It's not about having my power taken away, its about giving it to someone I trust and it feeling amazing!
I'm a bit concerned that S&M is the new anal, and that soon everyone will feel pressured to do it. That is fine if you're experienced and know what you want, but potentially very dangerous to vulnerable young girls/women trying to navigate early sexual experiences.
It used to be that brazillians were uncommon - now they're totally the norm. Then anal was still a no-go zone, and now it's expected by a lot of young men. Now every where I look I'm hearing about S&M - popular books, songs on the radio (thanks Rihanna!), websites, etc. Restraints, slapping, spitting, choking etc is already common in most porn to various extents, and now it's out in the general mainstream as a cool, normal, sexy thing to do.
Of course S&M is fine if both people are into it, but I feel like it's a tricky thing to have slipped onto the list of "standard sexual experiences". If you're older and sexually experienced then you're probably comfortable and confident enough about sex, what you're comfortable with and your partner to communicate what you do and don't want to do. But for girls and young women beginning their sexual life, S&M could be a scary and dangerous thing to be told that you're 'supposed' to like (or that it's common to like it and that most people do).
It's hard enough working out if and when you're comfortable having sex and with whom...let alone countering requests for anal, S&M and whatever else gets completely mainstreamed. It's concerning that girls (or boys) might do things that damage them because they're not sure how to say no, or whether it's okay to.