Mia
by MIA FREEDMAN
You need six friends. Count them, six. Each must serve a different purpose and together, they should meet all your friendship needs. I read that online this week so it must be true. I’m not sure who came up with the magic number six, possibly the producer of the show Friends but it’s an interesting idea regardless.
You see, apparently friends are like food groups. You need a variety of them to stay healthy. “Different types of friends serve different purposes and nourish and enrich our lives in different ways.” explains Domonique Bertolucci, author of The Happiness Code. (and no, I’m not sure whether this analogy means your friends should be activated like your almonds).
So here they are. The six friends you need:
1. The Friend Who Is Cooler Than You
2. The Friend Who Is Up For Anything
3. The Friend Who You Aspire To Be
4. The Friend Who Doesn’t Know Any Of Your Other Friends
5. The Friend Who Is Painfully Honest
6. The Friend You’ve Known Longer Than You’ve Known Yourself.
I might show this list to my daughter. Right now I’m teaching her that it’s good to have lots of different friends. This is a guiding principle at her school – the kids are encouraged to have a large circle of mates instead of just one Best Friend Forever because as a strategy, BFF’s are high risk. “Forever’ can end abruptly when you’re seven.
I wish someone had mentioned the six friends idea to me when I was growing up. From as early as I can remember, I loved my friends singularly hard and with laser-like focus. Though the role of My Best Friend was played by several different girls through my school years, at any point in time there was always one who wore the BFF badge (or burden) of my devotion exclusively. This didn’t always work out so well because girls can be fickle and melodramatic which is a lousy combination when you have no playground backup plan. The dynamics of schoolgirl friendships make the ALP factions look positively Kumbaya.
“Female friendships at any age can be highly combustable.”
Female friendships at any age can be highly combustable. Just ask a married woman how many of her bridesmaids she’s still friendly with. Every woman has a story about the friend who was once like a sister and is now a stranger. Conversely, men don’t tend to fall out with their mates so much. In fact the number of men I know who are still incredibly tight with the same group of friends they had in high school is uncanny. Either they pick and stick or they just can’t be bothered making new ones.
My eldest son chose his first friend aged four. They picked each other at kindergarten and that was it. More than a decade later, they’re still best friends and have never had a fight or even a cross word. They have other friends and mix in different concentric circles but they remain as close as brothers.
Having sons has shown me the extraordinary simplicity of boys’ friendships; their lack of complexity is breathtakingly beautiful. And having a daughter has reminded me that the risk/benefit analysis of female friendship is extreme. I was woefully unprepared for this when my daughter began making friends. The first time we had some girls over for a playdate and one of them cried because someone had hurt her feelings, I freaked out. Who cries on a playdate? Having sheepishly spoken to friends with daughters, they assured me this was normal. “Oh there are always tears and fights when girls get together,” they laughed. “They’re drama queens.” Really? OK.
Whoever came up with the checklist of 6 Friends You Need only told half the story. What about The Friends You Don’t Need? The ones who don’t add much value. In fact, they subtract.
Here’s my own list of 10 people you should consider deleting from your contacts:
1. The Friend Who Isn’t Really A Friend But Who You Slept With Once A Long Time Ago And Who Found You On Facebook And You Accepted Their Friend Request In A Weak Moment
2. The Friend Who Always Cancels Right Before You’re Supposed To Meet
Nobody needs a Vampire Friend.
3. The Friend Who Constantly Bitches To You About How Unhappy They Are In Their Relationship But Refuses To Leave It. Like, Ever.
4. The Friend Who Always Says ‘You Look Tired’ With Passive Aggressive Faux-Concern.
5. The Friend Who Only Contacts You When They Need Something.
6.The Friend Who Uses The Calculator App On Their Phone To Work Out Their Exact Share Of The Bill Because They Did Not Have An Entree And Only Drank Half A Glass Of Wine.
7.The Friend Who Only Ever Calls To Dump Their Problems On You And Drains Your Energy Like A Blood-Sucking Vampire.
8. The Friend Whose Hair You Still Have To Hold Back On A Regular Basis Even Though You’re Both Over 25.
9. The Friend Who Derives Secret Schadenfreudian Pleasure When Something Crappy Happens To You.
10. The Friend Who Tags Unflattering Photos Of You On Facebook
Right, with that bit of emotional spring-cleaning done, I’m ready for another weekend playdate. Tissues? Check.
Which friends do you think everyone needs? What about the friends that nobody needs?
 on http://www.mamamia.com.au){kind=link}
Comments
127 Comments so far
Oh and what about the friend who is unhappy in their own life so they throw away over ten years of friendship to fight with u over something petty but make it out to be huge deal just to cause drama to distract them from the real issues in their life?
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God you look STUNNING in that outfit Mia! Jealous! x
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The friend that can’t be friends with two people at the same time.
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How about the friend that struggles during her first 4 months of motherhood so you almost stop your life to help her and then she gets pregnant again at 6 months and you might as well change careers to be her nanny but when your baby is born she can’t even be bothered taking your phone calls to invite her to coffee. I have one of those but am beginning to think I shouldn’t.
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She could have PND and that’s her way of coping. Try not to take it personally. My friend had PND and couldn’t face new mothers or go out socially.
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I’m really ashamed to admit this, and I’m sure not many people will be able to identify – but I find being a friend really difficult.
I don’t know what it is about me, but to be completely honest, most of the time I’d prefer to be alone. I often find the company of others to be quite draining.
So I guess I’m the friend who is a feature in your life for awhile, before they gradually fade away into obscurity.
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No, I can be like that. I’ve actually hidden in my bedroom and told my partner to tell people I was unwell and asleep, just to avoid having to interact with friends who dropped around! It really can be draining, especially if (in my case) you have a job that requires you to be 100% people-oriented for the entire day. When I get home I just want to be. left. alone. And quite often on the weekend I’ll opt to just bum around at home (or even take the dog down to the beach with a coffee by myself) rather than see people.
On the occasions that we invite people over for a BBQ (usually my partner’s workmates or our general acquaintances) on a Friday or Saturday night, I find myself willing them to go home (isn’t that awful?) because I just find it a waste of my valuable free time.
My exception is those friends who are just so easy to be around and you don’t need to drain yourself because, well, they’re not draining. I have all the time in the world for those people and we’ll often find ourselves chatting for hours and hours on end. And I’m happy to be a great friend to those people.
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Me too! When I do venture out to either friends/family events, I find I act the goose to get a laugh instead of engaging in conversation; I come across as very social and the “life” of the party, where in reality I would prefer to be at home on the couch with a book. I’m a trainer so my job requires me to engage with others constantly (which I love being by the way..) Weird!
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Bree – I hear you. I don’t have a lot of friends… and I find it really difficult to ‘be a friend’, but I find that the ones I do have do really matter to me. I don’t need to see them every day, or even every week. But its still important they are there.
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I completely get this and I am pretty much the same way. I really like being alone. It’s not just that I *can* entertain myself, it’s that I actually like to do so. I like being able to do whatever I want with my day and not feel pressured to make conversation. In regard to finding being with others draining, I have heard that this is quite typical of introverts. Introverts have brains that are chronically ‘over stimulated’ so being around others for too long leaves them exhausted. Extroverts, by contrast, are constantly under stimulated and sort of get energised by the company of others.
There is no real point to this comment, I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in feeling this way
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You sound like an introvert
same as me
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Probably just means you’re a classic introvert – you charge your batteries by time alone, and being with people drains you rather than energises you. Nothing wrong with it – maybe some of the super social people you know might envy your ability to be comfortable in your own company. We’re all different. As long as you’re happy, do your thing!
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I hear ya. I dearly love my women friends – they mean the world to me and I have gained so much from their wisdom and love and humour. But I can’t say I am wholly relaxed with most of them. I am always worrying if I have asked enough questions, whether I have forgotten something important, whether my children are being too unruly etc etc. Sometimes the pleasure of solitude far outweighs the exhaustion of socialising even with dear friends. But I think I can enjoy the solitude because it is a contrast to the extroversion required in friendship – otherwise that solitude would feel like isolation.
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Agree with all of the above, I used to feel guilty that I don’t socialise enough, but I think I’ve finally found a balance. I’m not someone who goes out to parties/socialising every weekend. I work in retail – talking to people all day – don’t want to talk when I get home! I have great friendships with the girls at work. I see my best friend at least once a week, and I have a uni bestie too. Other friends, I’m still in good contact with, and we catch up every so often but am still involved in their lives. I cut out a group – felt bad, but I was only hanging out with them because I felt socially obligated, but I used to dread going out with them, was always figuring out whats the earliest I could go home. Now, I’m happy with the way my friend situation is and I love it.
Another thing for introverts – do you always dread, the so, what’s been happening with you question? Whilst I like my life, its not that dramatic, so always struggle to find stories to tell.
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Yes, I always feel awkward when someone asks “what’s new with you?”, or as I have just finished my uni exams “so what have you been doing on your holidays/with all your free time?” I don’t really have any interesting stories, but I absolutely love what I have been doing. I just don’t think the person I’m speaking to wants to hear that I had a great day lying on the couch watching DVDs/going shopping alone.
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Dont be ashamed! It’s just who you are
the friends that are worth it understand that this is who you are and will be fine with it.
I have discovered that after a weekend of socializing – either with friends or family – not only am I not energized for the next couple of days I am also a bit tetchy. I certainly need my alone time to sing, dance randomly, talk to myself and think. Socializing takes a lot of work and conversation is an art form in itself! You have to be on the ball all the time. I love my small group of friends – they’re used to me, I don’t have to talk all the time and to be honest I’ve actually fallen asleep before whilst over at their place (just watching a movie but was really tired) and they’re not insulted! Awesome
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Just shared this with my 11 year old daughter who has had much heartache navigating the primary school social scene. She has had the BBF’s don’t last forever lesson and what was funny was as we made our way through ‘some’ of the 10 people you should delete she nominated her former BFF for almost all (of the appropriate) ones… so why did she feel inclined to invite around last weekend? {{{SIGH}}}
#hopingtounderstandmytween
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What about the friend who stops talking to you one day for seemingly no reason? This girl always seems to have someone in her life that she’s pissed off with for whatever reason, and it appears that now it’s my turn. I have no idea what I’ve done wrong, and part of me is thinking ‘If she doesn’t want to tell me what it is, why should I go to great lengths to find out?’
I miss her friendship but its a little bit tiring to be honest.
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Ah! That must be the attention seeking drama Queen that you speak of, Confused!
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I find these people are usually the annoying Facebook posters with status updates like “So annoyed right now!” with no explanantion as they wait for everyone to go “oh honey, what’s wrong” but never actually explain themselves because they thrive on the drama.
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The friend that nobody needs: The one who never invites you over, but is quite happy to come for dinner/bbq etc at yours on a regular basis without doing anything remotely helpful, when she makes the effort and comes to visit you – ignores your child completely, makes “helpful” comments about you loosing your baby weight, harps on for forty five minutes about her hair colour/issues at work, then leaves, without asking you anything about your life….and never brings either cake, or lunch to soften the blow. Like, ever.
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11. The Friend Who Capitalises Every Word Of Their Facebook Status…
Does this annoy anyone else but me?
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Plus, something that this site does a lot which annoys me is the one word sentence. Ok, I get that it’s the latest grammar fad, and you want to emphasis stuff, but still. Really. Annoying.
See?!?
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You forgot the friend who never organises anything, always leaves before it’s her shout at the bar, doesn’t have any cash in her purse when you go out for a coffee and in simpler terms is your “lazy, take you for granted” friend.
Glad I got that off my chest! x
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haha love this list. I agree with them all except number 6. Having been in situations in life where I’ve been really poor and therefore super careful about what I ordered at a group thing I feel the pain of this person. Generally it’s not something I do now as a “grown up” but I hold no grudges against someone who does. Them being anal about a few dollars doesn’t make them a bad friend. It just makes them worried about not having enough money and I’m cool with that.
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I agree.. and even as a “grown up” and a single Mum on a lean budget, I can’t afford to subsidise those who can afford the extra cocktails, entrees, desserts that get thrown on the bill. I am happy to pay my own way and budget accordingly and would prefer to go to the social occasion rather than miss out for fear of being judged
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Totally Amanda. I’m a single mum too so I know how tight the purse strings are!
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I once ordered an entree for dinner because the ten dollars in my purse was all I had left that week. There were no split bills, and someone did the maths and divided the bill equally. I felt overwhelmed – with humiliation at having to disclose my dire finances and with gratitude for the generous friends-of-friends who said ‘that’s not going to work because we were the only ones who had drinks.’
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Personally I have no problems with addimg up the bill, working out what I ate/drankj and what I therefore owe.
i think it is presumptuous of people to expect that others will pay for their consumption, unless you’re great friends and that’s how you do things.
however, if I buy someone a meal/snack/coffee or vice versa that is different – then you know what you’re up for.
have had friends buy me meals because they are aware of my lack of income or whatever (ususlaly an emergency situation). That’s a nice thing to do, but I have never EXPECTED to be paid for and i have reciprocated in other ways, eg buying them coffee, books etc. That’s friendship.
Going out to dinner with strangers and expecting “equal shares” is not always so equal.
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Thanks for this comment. I love Mia’s column but was quite upset when I read about being a bad friend for not sharing the bill at dinner. I have a group of friends I catch up with once a term but they would often insist on splitting the bill. I would order water and an entree so I could go – I really can’t afford to subsidise their fish of the day and three bottles of wine. After the article I cancelled this week’s dinner – who wants to feel like a freeloader? It’s a shame because I really love seeing these mates but I’m NOT going to look like a tightwad when all I am is poor.
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You don’t have to not go!!
Just say you’ll meet them for coffee or dessert and enjoy yourself, if you can’t eat with them.
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What a shame you couldn’t just be honest – why do we feel embarassed about being judged and then you miss out
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I’m with you!! I am currently comfortable financially but I will still bust out the calculator purely because I know the Viking almost always gets the most expensive thing on the menu and I have no intention of anyone else having to subsidise his choices!
Plus I have enough friends who are watching their finances. No one wants to have to say “Sorry, I can’t afford to split the bill when you got something more expensive than me” so I’ll save them the bother and make the announcement myself.
It’s usually me who organised the dinner anyway.
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I am not “cheap”, I’m just a student.
And when I order a soft drink and one main, yeah, it starts to freak me out a little when other friends have three/four courses, wine, cocktails, coffee and then the bill is being split. I think that one was really unfair, actually.
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We need more friends like you Miss T… I am guessing you are the Best Friend #1 – way cooler
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I normally dont mind about splitting the bill equally but I agree it can really grate when you go out for group dinners and other people eat or drink more extravagently. I dont eat seafood so will get annoyed when I have a steak and end up contributing to everyone elses oysters and lobster. And dont start me on splitting the drinks bill. If I have 2 glasses of wine I dont like splitting it equally when everyone else has been drinking cocktails all night.
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I dont mind splitting the bill equally, but being a non seafood eater I do find group dinners annoying when I will have a steak and am then expected to chip in equally for everyone elses lobster, oysters etc…
And I dont like splitting drink bills when I have 2 glasses of wine all night and everyone else is guzzling cocktails..
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Friend you need:
1. A friend who is like a sister, someone you can tell to shut up n get over her self and she wont get offended. Just like sisters!
2. The friend you can exercise with
Friends you don’t need:
1. The friend who is only interested in her world and never wants to know what’s happening in yours.
Awesome read!!
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Yes I had this friend all rolled into 1. We met at mothers group….She was having difficulties with PND, I was a newly widowed with the baby. We were each others gym partners and had a fabulous friendship for the next 5 years.
She was really, really hard work in that she is a very strong personality and seemed to have conflict with everyone on her life, especially with women, be it family, friend or work colleague. I stupidly thought I was immune from that though……..
Any time we caught up it was always on her terms…..I had to come to hers always as it was ” easier for me as I had only 1 child ” to her three ( true actually, but still frustrating a lot of the time ) and our conversations were almost entirely based on her latest drama…… that said I really loved this person, I enjoyed her company immensely and she made me laugh so so much when I was feeling pretty low about stuff happening in my own life.
Towards the end of our friendship I started to feel a little replaced as her children went to a different school than mine. I understand that new friendships occur etc, but I was learning things from these new friends that I though I should have learnt from her….. new jobs, over seas travel, buying new house etc….biggish stuff !
Then the catalyst happened…. I called upset over loosing a pet and she gave me precisely 20 seconds of her time before she HAD to tell me about her latest spousal fight and I called it as I saw it….. not rudely, nothing like I haven’t done before as we were both able to tell each other to get over themselves…… but it all ended abruptly and I was hung up on.
Then there was the dodging of calls, late notice cancellations and odd behaviours……
that was a year ago….I am really very hurt and angry and just plained pissed off that I had invested so much into this friendship……. problem is I really miss her………….
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We mourn the end of friendships – even the ones that are painful and hard. Sorry to hear about your ending with your friend – these friendship break-ups suck!
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These two are great lists. I have a few friends on the Need list and none on the Not Need, thankfully. I’m also that painfully honest friend, which makes me feel like less of an asshole considering how I can sometimes hurt someone’s feelings without realising it. >.<
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As a year 3 teacher, much of my time is taken up with dealing with ‘best friends’ issues amongst the girls. If anyone has wise words in how to deal with the drama that goes on between a group of 9/10 year old girls, please share! I suppose it is a matter of maturing and developing empathy, but they sure can be nasty to each other. As a mother of two boys, I’m pretty happy I don’t have to deal with these dramas at home- one thump and quabbles over:)
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I too am so glad I only have boys. Girls can be downright nasty little creatures. I love that my boys will have a fight and the next minute they are mates again. No grudges held. This was the main reason my friends through high school were male.
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This makes me really sad. I am a girl. So is my mum. So is my daughter. So are my best friends. I don’t see us as being any more bitchy or nasty than my son, my brother or my dad. Maybe you were just in a bad year at school? Or maybe if we accept these kinds of behaviours from girls because “that’s what they’re like” they are more likely to continue? Hmm, sounds like a PhD topic….
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Which state has 9-10 year olds in year 3? Here in Queensland kids start year 3 aged 7 or 8. I thought it was the same in every state?
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My son turned 9 in year 3, I am in S.A.
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The correct age for Yr3 kids in NSW is 8-9. They need to turn 8 before July in yr3 can turn 9 up until July of Yr4. But with the trend for parents to hold their kids back children are often older now.
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