Mia
by MIA FREEDMAN
You need six friends. Count them, six. Each must serve a different purpose and together, they should meet all your friendship needs. I read that online this week so it must be true. I’m not sure who came up with the magic number six, possibly the producer of the show Friends but it’s an interesting idea regardless.
You see, apparently friends are like food groups. You need a variety of them to stay healthy. “Different types of friends serve different purposes and nourish and enrich our lives in different ways.” explains Domonique Bertolucci, author of The Happiness Code. (and no, I’m not sure whether this analogy means your friends should be activated like your almonds).
So here they are. The six friends you need:
1. The Friend Who Is Cooler Than You
2. The Friend Who Is Up For Anything
3. The Friend Who You Aspire To Be
4. The Friend Who Doesn’t Know Any Of Your Other Friends
5. The Friend Who Is Painfully Honest
6. The Friend You’ve Known Longer Than You’ve Known Yourself.
I might show this list to my daughter. Right now I’m teaching her that it’s good to have lots of different friends. This is a guiding principle at her school – the kids are encouraged to have a large circle of mates instead of just one Best Friend Forever because as a strategy, BFF’s are high risk. “Forever’ can end abruptly when you’re seven.
I wish someone had mentioned the six friends idea to me when I was growing up. From as early as I can remember, I loved my friends singularly hard and with laser-like focus. Though the role of My Best Friend was played by several different girls through my school years, at any point in time there was always one who wore the BFF badge (or burden) of my devotion exclusively. This didn’t always work out so well because girls can be fickle and melodramatic which is a lousy combination when you have no playground backup plan. The dynamics of schoolgirl friendships make the ALP factions look positively Kumbaya.
“Female friendships at any age can be highly combustable.”
Female friendships at any age can be highly combustable. Just ask a married woman how many of her bridesmaids she’s still friendly with. Every woman has a story about the friend who was once like a sister and is now a stranger. Conversely, men don’t tend to fall out with their mates so much. In fact the number of men I know who are still incredibly tight with the same group of friends they had in high school is uncanny. Either they pick and stick or they just can’t be bothered making new ones.
My eldest son chose his first friend aged four. They picked each other at kindergarten and that was it. More than a decade later, they’re still best friends and have never had a fight or even a cross word. They have other friends and mix in different concentric circles but they remain as close as brothers.
Having sons has shown me the extraordinary simplicity of boys’ friendships; their lack of complexity is breathtakingly beautiful. And having a daughter has reminded me that the risk/benefit analysis of female friendship is extreme. I was woefully unprepared for this when my daughter began making friends. The first time we had some girls over for a playdate and one of them cried because someone had hurt her feelings, I freaked out. Who cries on a playdate? Having sheepishly spoken to friends with daughters, they assured me this was normal. “Oh there are always tears and fights when girls get together,” they laughed. “They’re drama queens.” Really? OK.
Whoever came up with the checklist of 6 Friends You Need only told half the story. What about The Friends You Don’t Need? The ones who don’t add much value. In fact, they subtract.
Here’s my own list of 10 people you should consider deleting from your contacts:
1. The Friend Who Isn’t Really A Friend But Who You Slept With Once A Long Time Ago And Who Found You On Facebook And You Accepted Their Friend Request In A Weak Moment
2. The Friend Who Always Cancels Right Before You’re Supposed To Meet
Nobody needs a Vampire Friend.
3. The Friend Who Constantly Bitches To You About How Unhappy They Are In Their Relationship But Refuses To Leave It. Like, Ever.
4. The Friend Who Always Says ‘You Look Tired’ With Passive Aggressive Faux-Concern.
5. The Friend Who Only Contacts You When They Need Something.
6.The Friend Who Uses The Calculator App On Their Phone To Work Out Their Exact Share Of The Bill Because They Did Not Have An Entree And Only Drank Half A Glass Of Wine.
7.The Friend Who Only Ever Calls To Dump Their Problems On You And Drains Your Energy Like A Blood-Sucking Vampire.
8. The Friend Whose Hair You Still Have To Hold Back On A Regular Basis Even Though You’re Both Over 25.
9. The Friend Who Derives Secret Schadenfreudian Pleasure When Something Crappy Happens To You.
10. The Friend Who Tags Unflattering Photos Of You On Facebook
Right, with that bit of emotional spring-cleaning done, I’m ready for another weekend playdate. Tissues? Check.
Which friends do you think everyone needs? What about the friends that nobody needs?
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Comments
127 Comments so far
I need one friend period. I don’t have any friends because of my face.
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I have pondered this now, in my mid 30s. Agonised. Worried. The friend you don’t need is the one that wants more from you than you want from them. Friendship needs to be evenhanded and organically grown. My hubby used the analogy of an onion (which he’d read somewhere) about moving into a new friendship one layer at a time – both parties. It’s an inspired notion. You can’t move straight to the core of someone after a few deep conversations. And you shouldn’t want that. For those that do, the other half can feel ridiculous pressure to be something more than what they have offered. it’s all so hard and uncomfortable to navigate out of from there.
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I have been through last list of friends (both lists). It’s hard to maintain life-long friendships with people. But I do think there are very good reasons to try. It’s when you really need them for those life-altering moments that you will be glad you put in the effort. I have been reading Women I Want to Grow Old With, and it is brilliant on how it talks about keeping your true friends around for the long haul. Well worth the read for anyone who is looking for a little insight into friendships! womeniwanttogrowoldwith.com is where you can find it!
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WHERE IS THAT DRESS FROM MIA!?
ITS GORGEOUS!
*SORRY FOR THE CAPS AND OFF TOPIC-NESS
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I have taken myself away from friends as I didn’t want to be a number 2, 3 or 7.
I didnt want to have to explain how awful my situation was with the partner I was with at the time, nor my financial constraints that couldn’t allow me to travel to meet them.
I understand that when you are not in the situation you cannot believe that the person cannot just get up and walk away. When you are in that situation you are asking yourself how can I get up and walk away when threatened with everything that you have worked for prior to being with someone being taken from you.
Sometimes some of us who appear not to be good friends are probably better friends than you could wish for.
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11. The friend who steels your BOYFRIEND! By the way she can have him !!!!!
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oooh, I LOVE this!
I am a friend hoarder of the wrong types. I put it down to being too damn nice, and being nice to everybody… I can totally HATE someone’s guts and it’s highly likely that unles I’m feeling particularly out of sorts, they’ll NEVER know it…
and it sucks… because I tend to sometimes become ‘doormat’ material. Not often, mind, but it does play on my feelings at times.
SIGH.
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Over the last 2 years I’ve been going through a “break up” with my friend of over 20 years. This all happened due to misunderstanding and I am absolutely devastated. I feel like I’ve lost a sibling, we live in a small community so see her quite often and we are polite and say hi but it hurts so much. When something happens i want to share it with her. I don’t have a big circle of friends. I don’t know how to move on from this pain. It hurts so much to watch her kids ( one of who is our godchild) from a distance, growing into beautiful people. I have had to see a Dr as I was so miserable and constantly sad and crying. How do people move on from friend break ups?? I feel as though i am slowly going through a grieving process.
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I think the friend types 9 and 10 are often the same person. Tagging ugly Facebook photos is totally schadenfreude.
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I am realising something very sad. My best friend, well the friend I have known the longest and was besties with at high school is now the friend who:
Cancels our catch ups 90% of the time
Has a husband who doesn’t want her to spend time with her friends or even take phone calls in the evening or on weekends
Looks at me with pity when she tells me about the latest mansion, huge car, holiday etc they just purchased. It’s depressing because a) I’m envious and b) because she looks at me with pity
Takes days to respond to a text message
Is running for gold medal in the busy olympics and never has time to pick up the phone
Lives only 5 mins away and I would be lucky to see her every couple of months
Happily dragged me off to her kids kinder and school at various times to show off (in a nice, proud way) their world, but doesn’t make time to do the same for my kids
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Yes, the friend who inundates you with updates about their children and every detail of their childs life when the interest is not returned is upsetting. The friend who details what they have planned for their childs birthday party in 3 weeks time when its your childs birthday the next day and they dont even realise is frustrating. And when you give their child a birthday present and a return gift is never offered for your children, yet the same friend complains about how another mutual friend didnt give their child a birthday gift and how she was offended by it, without even realising she is guilty of the same thing to you! Super sensitive to how others treat them, but has no idea that their behaviour is upsetting.
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The friend whose problems always have to be bigger and better than everyone elses. Exhausting.
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Nope no frieds here, I think saying it makes the reality sadder than it really s. sorry I have one friend who ‘acts” busier than I do. So it works out well. We have Moved around took much the last group of people made me feel really bad about myself. Considering I’m actually happy! I have my Facebook bunch, say hello to people at work and school/ kinder. That’s enough for me.
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If someone who relies on us gets a little difficult to handle, we don’t just toss them away like a piece of trash. If we can’t handle our friends at their worst, then we don’t deserve them at their best, and we are no better than a common “vampire” ourselves, only selecting from people that lift us up and rejecting those that might need a little lift themselves.
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I know it’s written somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but this article made me quite sad.
Since when do we discard friends when they’re not perfect? Reading through some of the comments below, it seems that a conversation (i.e., “it really irks me that you’re always late to meet me, it feels like you don’t really value our friendship”) could go a long way.
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I am the friend who always cancels. After years and years of dealing with friendship drama, I am very cautious to warm up to people. At the first sign that they are starting drama, I pull back. I can’t help it, I don’t want to be dragged down anymore.
That said, my friendship list has really dwindled. I am fortunate to have a wonderful sister though. She is often enough to keep me happy in the friends department!
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The friend who manages to marry a “barrier spouse”, making friendship impossible.
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I really enjoyed this article. It has inspired me to write my first ever blog post, which I have been procrastinating about for aaaaaages. Hope it’s okay to link to it? I would love to know if it’s any good.
http://www.notesaboutcards.com
I have jotted down some suggestions about what to put in a card to a friend to let them know how much they mean to you. Hope it helps someone…
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What a great post and idea Jacie. I know so many people who struggle to write something in cards, some of the ones you have written are fantastic
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Thanks amyspeak. That has made my day – so good to know that it might help someone. Cheers!
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They are great. Will be saving some of those
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Cool! Am aiming to make things easier for people so thanks for the feedback
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All through school I always had a single “best friend” (not always the same one though). Then since the end of high school, I have not really had a single best friend but a range of friends. I think these are generally the kinds of friendships most adult women have. But somewhere deep down I think I am always craving the closeness of that “best friend” I no longer have. I am an only child, so not having any siblings means I generally don’t have a confidant my own age other than my boyfriend.
One of the best things I was ever told was by my boyfriend – to take my friends as they are, and not constantly wish that I could enjoy their “good” bits without putting up with their “bad”. He told me to stop looking for this single “perfect’” friend who doesnt exist, but enjoy the real friends I do have. This was great advice, it really helped me become more accepting of the friends I have. But I still sort of wish I could find my friendship “soulmate”, a friend who is close like a sister and I could tell everything to….
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the hardest is actually the toxic friend who is toxic as a result of mental illness, not intention. I have such a friend. A friend who flirts with my ex, makes wild, horrible accusations of me at random, loses the plot, then goes back to kind loving friend for a month before the pattern repeats. You can’t walk away, but the toll is heavy, even if you keep some distance.
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I’m going to side with Mia on the splitting the bill thing, unless someone has ordered something outrageous it really is pretty fair as adults to split the bill down the middle (or quarters or whatever it may be). It also shows that if you end up paying a few dollars more you don’t care as they’re your friends!
Speaking of, I was once invited out to dinner by a friend and said apologies but I was a bit poor that week (uni days) and she (who was working full time) said ‘don’t worry, I’ll take you out to dinner’ so we went out and had a pretty nice/cheap meal and I went to the bathroom at the end of it and as I went to walk out she said ‘you still need to go pay your half at the bar’.
I was so shocked I think I gulped and said ‘okay’ and just went and paid it. It was YEARS ago and I still think of it from time to time (we’re not friends anymore).
She also didn’t give me a wedding present as it ‘cost so much for her and her partner to fly to the wedding’. Meanwhile she told me they got $60 Tiger flights.
Couldn’t have cared less about the present, but what an attitude!!
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I’m really struggling with the friend thing. No one calls me.I always do the calling. It is really getting to me.I’m 54 by the way and the friend thing doesn’t get easier.It’s making me really sad.
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My mum is 53 and has the same problem.
She is always trying to create catch-ups but the ladies never reply or get back to her.
It makes her sad too.
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ah but Mia, i think your no. 6 of Friends You Don’t Need is debatable. I for one don’t want to end up paying for anyone’s share of entree + main & 3 fresh squeezed juices when all i had was half that amount of nosh.
i find the biller apps on iDevices quite handy, especially the ones that counts the GST on top of the bill =) it’s painless and fair.
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surely the corollary to this is that a good friend wouldn’t order up a 3 course feast with drinks when others had no wine and one course without being mindful that they should put in more?
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Just let everyone know up front that you’d like to pay only for the food you eat (eg “I’m only going to have a salad & a glass of wine today so I’ll just pay for that. Is that ok with everyone?”) – good friends really won’t mind
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My closest friend list:
1) Miss L: She’s a practical salt of the earth woman who always makes me feel cared for and blissfully normal.
2) Ms J: She’s almost 20 years older than me and we’ve only been friends for a few years but I’ve already shared some of my deepest darkest secrets that I’d never tell anyone else. She’s a mess, crazy, amazingly capable and strong all in one.
3) Miss E: She’s the organised friend whom I admire and am envious of. She is logical and delivers the most thoughtful advice.
4) Miss K: Knows me, and gets my anxiety the way only someone else with anxiety can.
I don’t have a group of girlfriends and sometimes I long for the Sex and the City group.
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I don’t really have a ‘group’ of friends either! None of my 5 closest girlfriends really know each other. though of course, they know OF each other.
In some ways its great, as I generally tend to prefer more one-on-one sort of catch-ups, but I do sometimes envy my boyfriends’ solid “group” of friends.
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But but but the friend who’s known me forever is also the friend who cancels on me!
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I have always had trouble making & keeping female friends.
It seems to be this pattern of women meet me, really like me and want to hang out with me then something happens (I don’t mean an event) and then they change towards me, back off, start saying backhanded compliments, are passive aggressive, don’t compliment, aren’t happy for me, want to bring me down etc.
Case in point was my wedding, I barely felt I had a handful of female friends at my wedding who were genuinely happy to see me get married (make it a few, not even a handful).
I’ve been told I can be intimidating, but I am also an easy target for bullies (it’s happened at my last two workplaces) so I really don’t understand the disconnect there.
Reading things like this make me sad, I can identify with every single one of the ‘ones you don’t need in your life’, but I can’t identify the ones you do need in your life
Anyone else identify with my story?
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Yes, can identify definitely. Makes me sad too. Sometimes it’s hard to find good friends and women can also be very jealous creatures too. Sounds like this is what you might be experiencing
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I think you’re right I’ve always been a bit hesitant to say women are jealous because I worry it sounds ‘up myself’ but I worry that’s where a lot of the issues comes from. I first encountered it in grade 5 when I wasn’t invited to a party because ‘the boys like you’ and I’ve had it ever since, it’s sad because I’ve always longed for a group of girlfriends who love me and are happy for me (and of course vise versa!).
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Yes! This is me too. I only have a select few friends, but like you, past experiences have seen women get close to me, then get their nose out of joint for no real reason, and then block me right out. In the area I’m soon-to-be leaving (thank goodness), some women got jealous and then decided to make up rumours, text my phone with abuse and threats (just after I had a baby mind you) – to the point where I retreated from everybody and lost a lot of friends as a result. Not a nice experience at all!
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I agree with the idea that you need a good mix of friends, but not with the original six so much. My best friends would be:
1. The friend who will listen no matter how much you go on about the same exciting news/guy/problems etc.
2. The friend who you can go long periods without talking to and still have the same connection when you catch up.
3. The friend you email everyday. Multiple times.
4. The friend you can talk about sex and other “taboo” stuff with and not feel embarrassed/weird about it.
5. The friend who tells you the truth, even if it sucks, then helps you figure out a solution.
6. The friend who has known you since childhood.
Thanks for this post Mia, it’s made me appreciate all the wonderful friends I have even more!
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That would definitely be my 6 too.
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mine too!
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Well you know what they say about great minds
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Love this, Amy. Great response!
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Mia, I enjoyed this column, as I enjoy all your columns. My two cents is as follows:
I’d be very careful before slaying various friends. This is a mistake I made in high school. I was very pure about my friends – I was friends with those I liked, and that’s it. This presented a problem when it came to groups. I didn’t do groups well. But if you want to be part of a group and invited to things etc. (which is particularly important at school), you can’t afford to not be friends with someone in the group – because it’ll be YOU who’s kicked out, not the bitchy, gossipy, back-stabbing, self-absorbed girl you can’t stand. (I’m dramatizing for effect, here.) You know what I mean?
The ideal thing to do in this situation is distance yourself from that girl rather than obviously sever ties with her. Find ways to manage her rather than dropping her altogether. It will serve you well if you still want to be friends with her friends and included in things.
With the advent of Facebook, it’s easy to demote a friend rather than drop them altogether. Of course I’ve dropped a few friends in my time. (More than a few!) Especially the really destructive ones. But, these days, I don’t slay friends as ruthlessly as I used to.
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I think that you’re spot on with this comment. And really – not ‘officially’ severing ties with someone- but keeping them at arms length, can be the ideal sitituation if you don’t want to instigate unnecessary drama which forces people to choose.
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I think that if over the course of your whole life you manage to have six friends you are indeed blessed.
True friends are as rare as rocking horse poo, as opposed to good casual acquaintances which can be plentiful. I think that it’s very easy to confuse the two.
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totally agree. i think often those with the most friends often have less really close friends, if you know what i mean? I find as I get older i’m happier only keeping my close friends and having a more intimate friendship group as opposed to needing a big bunch of people you call friends but don’t feel like you can be totally yourself around.
i think some people don’t have any friends that move past what i see as the ‘acquaintance’ level – in that there is always a front around each other and they seem to ‘act’ like good friends rather than be good friends. i find that sad. if you can’t be your full sometimes stupid and totally uncool self around someone you call a friend, than i don’t think they’re a good friend.
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Begone… the Friend Who Won’t Let You Steal A Hot Chip Off Their Plate!
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And begone the friend who keeps stealing after she’s already taken four! (Order your own chips. I love mine.
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Oh my god, so glad other people have experienced the ‘vampire friend’! I had one recently; she never asked how i am, only contacted me if she needed something or wanted to complain had several big irrational flare ups at me (the first one for not going to HER boyfriends house at 2am when he was upset, for f***s sake). When I tried to bring it up with her she went nuts at me, called me horrible and rude and hasn’t spoken to me since. Good riddance!
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In my life, I have been blessed to have two genuine friends. One is now deceased, the other gave me her hand in marriage. Both of these fine people stuck by me through thick and thin. They gave me a boot in the backside when it was needed and their opinions whether I asked or not. Both have given me praise when it was deserved. Both have told me to pull my head in when I haven’t been particularly nice.
Both have been all of the friends that I have ever needed. Forget this stuff about the “cool” friend or the friend who was up for anything.
Equally, I have been blessed to have some amazing long term aquaintances. Obviously not as close as my two besties, but just as important for countless other reasons.
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Nailed it from a guys point of view.
I have heard from a wise source that anyone who claims to have more than one ‘true’ friend is fool.
The rest of the so called group of friends, especially when its comes to women and their friends, are there for needy validation… as in “validate me, define me…”.
The other anecdote is that true life-long frendships are founded only at school age. Have a think about this amongst your ‘group’ of friends.
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I don’t agree with the “one true friend” thing at all! I am very, very blessed (no, I don’t take it for granted) in that I have a wide circle of people to hang out with, but I also have about ten real, genuine, will be (and have been) there in the absolute darkest time friends.
This post has actually made me realise how lucky I am.
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I’ve had a think about those in my inner circle and have thought about what purpose they fill:
1. Ms T: Always there for me,and she’s more adventurous than I am. So she encourages me to get out of my shell and my comfort zone. Key reason forb
being friends: Adventure
2. Mr A: Has known me longest of all my current inner-circle. He will be honest with me when I need and gives good advice because he knows me so well. It also means that I can go to him no matter what is up. Key reason for being friends: Tenure
3. Ms W: She is innocent, almost like someone who has had a sheltered upbringing but is more balanced. She is that friend with whom I have lots of fun without any alcohol. I guess you could say she’s the most wholesome of my friends. Key reason for being friends: Innocence
4. Ms M: The epitome of normal. Never has massive drama, we can enjoy each other’s company equally at uni or out on the town. Key reason for being friends: No fuss
5. Ms S: here is where mine get tricky. She is the friend who knows no others, but she is very negative, prone to mood swings, but otherwise there for me. I fear she may be toxic.
Sadly, I don’t have a 6th! Not in my inner-circle. My secondary circle is quite large, though, and all friends in there serve various purposes.
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I wish I was a guy when it came to these things, it’s just so much easier. It’s really not the same with girls’ friendships. Maybe becasue girls tend to overthink things and have a stronger tendency to hold grudges. I’m both of the above.
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It’s awkward when your best friend has their own best friend.
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You forgot: The friend who interrupted you every time you were telling her something deep and/or moving about yourself and who, in spite of the tears choking your voice, filling your eyes or rolling down your cheeks, would interrput with “Oh, that reminds me of……(insert something about her).” Every. Single. Time. Stupidly, I did not take her to task. 5yrs of this, then she dumped me because “You never tell me anything significant about yourself.”
Bless God for really, truly friends, new and older than old.
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I wrote two posts today, my other one was shown (thank you) but my post on this site wasn’t……………are we only allowed one post a day ?
‘Don’t wish to be a “pest”……………….lol…..xx’s
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The friends I don’t need:
The friend who everytime you see them, goes on about how you don’t see each other enough and how you never call them enough, um, that might be because you always bang on about how I don’t call you enough. Or the friend who brings some random other friend of theirs to lunch or drinks as a shield.
The friend who is awesome: the one you don’t see for a year or years and then when you do see each other it’s like the conversation is just continuing from yesterday!
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the friend who tells you they are running (or something) for a cause (depression awareness) then decides to throw you out of their life, because you having depression is too much to handle
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Ah yes, the vampire friend… she only ever calls with her dramas, never asks how you are, and runs a mile if you need help yourself. Thankfully I listened to my DH & Mum who constantly let me know how much the vampire took from me and I cut her off. A huge weight was lifted and I’m so glad I no longer have to deal with her crap!!!
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Number 2 from the ‘Friends you don’t need’ list rings so true for me…
I had a friend back home and for 5 years this is basically what she did… I mean I can’t even count how many times I went to meet her somewhere only to find out that she’s either sick or something happened with her boyfriend at the time and she couldn’t make it. Or she would say I’ll call you tomorrow and call me 5 days later again with some excuse….
I’m a pretty forgiving person but after a while I just had enough, I think it took me so long to end the relationship because she was in her offense there for me at one critical moment in my life but then again she never let me forget that. It was 99% all about her and 1% about me….
Oh and one other thing that shows you who your true friends are is when you move to the other side of the world. It’s funny how some or A LOT drop off the face of the earth when you’re not near by!
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Completely agree, especially when you havent moved to the otherside of the world but just another state… In Australia….grr
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With regret, I can admit that I have done 8 out of ten of those bad-friendy things at some stage or another to friends that I love deeply. I’ve also been on the receiving end.
Good friends tell each other when they shit each other off. No need to break up!
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Yes, I resonate with this. I’ve made no recent commitments to meet up with people, because I struggle to make it to my existing commitments like playgroups. I have two young kids, and everyone says, “Yes, it can be hard with two”, trying to be nice – but I know sometimes I could do it, and just don’t, because it would require ‘too much effort’. I struggle to get to the playgroup just up the road on time, and sometimes just plain don’t go to the one that requires catching a train that only comes half-hourly. Yes, it’s hard, but I should be putting in the effort, and I don’t. I’d be worried about post-natal depression, but it never goes on for more than a day or two at a time, and all the definitions of depression that I’ve read talk about two weeks.
My point? I know full well that I’m lousy at making commitments at the moment, and part of the reason is that I don’t have / haven’t sought out available support networks, and am often struggling to cope. (There’s a *heap* of people who’ve said, “I’m only a phone call away”, and I’m sure they genuinely mean it, but I always tell myself it’s not worth their time / energy / sacrifices, and I’m being a wimp.) So maybe that person who’s a lousy friend, is just keeping you at arm’s length because they don’t want to dump their baggage on you.
I don’t quite know what my point is, except to say that, if it seems like someone’s alienating you, the person might actually be telling themselves they’re being considerate, keeping their baggage off your hands. It’s like I read recently, children are most in need of your love and attention when they’re least deserving of it. Maybe I / we / some of the other adults in your life are just the same!
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So, you know what you need to do…
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My husband & I have the same “best friend” in fact he & his wife are closer to us than family …..we met him when we were students together and we’ve worked and been together for decades now and I have no doubt that we’ll continue on into the future – our children are best friends too.
I have two best female friends back in my home city – one of them walked up to me in the playground (we were 8yrs old) and said “Your going to be my best friend !” – and still is………..the other one was “in her mummy’s tummy” at the same time as me – our mothers used to chat at the bus stop and we were born a week apart………………….Both of these dear friends are like sisters except we’ve never had an argument……..lol.
The type of friend I’ve always “banged on about” is the “emotional vampyre” – Yikes !
This is the one who drains you of your energy and joy by overwhelming you with their issues, their grudges, their extreme views & hatreds……..they literally suck you dry of your positive vibes and then move on………got any friends (or relatives) who leave you feeling exhausted ? – “Emotional Vampyres !”…lol.
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Can’t resist passing this one on:
“Such is the nature of man,
that for your first gift – he prostrates himself;
for your second – kisses your hand;
for the third – fawns;
for the fourth – just nods his head once;
for the fifth – becomes too familiar;
for the sixth – insults you;
and for the seventh – sues you because he was not given enough.”
LOL
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oh and the friend who is never happy for your successes, asks you seemingly harmless questions to sus something out of you, has a good whinge behind your back about how you’re only a humanitarian and activisty because she was first (um hello? there’s enough bloody problems in the world for all of us to pitch in and help sort out) and who is just downright about outdoing you ALL THE TIME. It’s a strange type of friendship because to your face she’s always a darling but then once you’re gone the true way she feels is revealed!
Making mental note to cut her out…but it’s looking like we may end up at the same uni and degree too…because “I’m trying to be her!” remember?? :/ grrr
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The friend who is a mummy blogger; constantly checking her blog posts for updated comments, twitter, facebook & all you wanted to do was have a catch up over coffee but her constant obsession with the interwebs is driving you mad Then she has to instagram a pic of the coffee which then leads to having to check for who left her comments GRRRRR.
Or you suggest a meet up with the kids at the park & you are left supervising her kids while she is again checking her interwebs
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I have had to unfollow a lot of mummy bloggers lately, they’re really becoming a bit too much (not all of them, of course, but some).
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I had a BFF in school who died suddenly. Since then, I have often felt a little twinge of envy when I see my other friends with their BFFs. But I recently came to terms with it, and realised I have all of the 6 friends listed above and more. A diverse bunch of amazing, special, close friends who meet different needs, but not 1 person who is my all. My husband is now my best friend.
As a bonus, I’ve never had to be a bridesmaid – WIN!
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My son made a friend in preschool when they were both 3 years old. Twenty years later, still best friends travelling the world together. What a great friendship they have. Yes it’s definitely different between the boys and the girls.
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What about the friend who has completely DUMPED you for NO reason since you gave birth to a difficult baby, seemingly because you have been very anti-social due to suffering severe post natal depression. She has made NO effort to see you or support you for over a year now.
BUT, just last week, sends you an invitation to a Post Natal Depression awareness fundraiser that she has helped organise!
This has done my head in
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I don’t get that shit either. A newish friend dumped me I think, because I called her to find out if she was actually still bringing her daughter to my daughter’s birthday party. For the record she said she had turned around to go home because her girl was so naughty in the car on the way there. Maybe it was me saying that it would’ve been nice if she could’ve let me know (we were going to a park for the party).
At least I haven’t heard back from her out the blue for some weird reason.
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Do you say something, or not? Tough call!
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I’d be guessing that you are aware of PND if you’ve been experiencing it for over a year now. Nice to know that she’s now aware of it & is making you aware of it too!! Seriously though, having a new baby & having PND is the time you need the support of friends, family, anyone who can give it & that you are willing to take it from. What a weird way to express her friendship. I guess some people just can’t handle the tough stuff. Hope you continue to pull through, Anonymous.
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Thank you Hello Petal!
Yes I am OK now, but there have been times in the past year when I could have seriously used just a supportive shoulder to cry on! I am one of those people who appears to be coping so well, when in actual fact I feel suicidal a few times a week. So I am aware that I am my own worst enemy but seriously you would have to be blind to not realise that I have been struggling! Luckily some of my other friends have been supportive but I still feel SO hurt by this particular friend. Things will never be the same there I am afraid
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This could have been written by me (your original post) (this one too!). I wish we could be friends!! we could have some great chats and let off some frustrations re that one particular friend on both sides!
x
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What about the friend that has to always have everything on their terms & is always right. I’ve thought they are much like the ref in a Footy game. Handing out penalties & being the judge if a goal is accepted. The friendship is fine when you are sitting on the side being a spectator but the day you work out that they want you out there playing on the field with their other friends & acquaintances it’s time to go home & leave them at their game of life.
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Socially awkward with a tendancy to take everything I read and saw at face value, the mystical ‘BF’ was a quest I pursued constantly throughout my schoolyears as the ‘way it should be’. The alleged BF would invariably be the socially amiable, attractive and popular and I would be the one basking in their compliments and growling protectively whenever another got a share of the action, as they invariably eventually did, given my possessive nature.
So I started ‘batting for the other team’, in a platonic sense. I liked the relaxed and raucous ease of friendships with men so much i made a habit of cultivating those friendships throughout my teens and early twenties, only to be (naively in retrospect) deeply hurt when they settled down and instantaneously phased out their single girl friend from their lives, or when it became clear they’d only been hovering around hoping to find a weakness to break through the ‘friend zone’ despite many previous protests to the contrary.
A decade later, and I went to first Mummy’s group and had to laugh as I could my feel my natural instincts immediately gravitate to that same kind of woman, who’d already generated the attentions of two of the other attendees. Then I went back to work and hey presto, I could feel the dynamics with one of my work colleagues. Golly, too old for this and too many more important things to do!
There’s still something to be enjoyed with relating to these ladies but for me, only sparingly. I would say I do have some fabulous old-term friends, but hope to get to know at least one person who truly become part of the ‘fabric’ of my life moving forward – the quest goes on, but a little bit more sensibly informed these days!…
S.
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