The difference between love and infatuation.

Note the caps lock. In this case, it doesn’t mean shouting. It means INTENSITY. The kind of INTENSITY you feel when you are newly IN LOVE.

This feeling is called infatuation and although it may feel intoxicating, it often leads to trouble because you don’t make good decisions in this state. Instead, you make spectacularly dumb ones.

Author Elizabeth Gilbert has written about this in her new book, Committed, the follow-up to the best-selling Eat, Pray, Love. The title refers to marriage rather than mental illness although in the infatuation chapter, the two sort of collide.

Reading it, I learned that the brain scans and mood swings of a cocaine addict are startlingly similar to those of an infatuated lover. Yes, infatuation is an addiction complete with chemical effects on the brain, measurable by scientists.

And just like a junkie, an infatuated person is blind to their future welfare. Physical and emotional risks? No problem. Whatever it takes. Love is the drug and they need some more.

In the past year, a number of my male and female friends have begun new relationships. Bright, shiny, new relationships that make them EXTREMELY HAPPY.

This is a marvellous thing although it can be a little disconcerting to eat at restaurants with people who pash between courses and think they can put their hands up each other’s clothes without anyone noticing. I noticed.

Anyway, I’m genuinely happy for my friends and their hands and all their other happy parts. So why do I find myself trying not to frown as they giggle about not having spent a single night apart since they hooked up? Why do I silently ‘tsk tsk’ when they excitedly mention moving in together after two months? Or confess to being careless with contraception because ‘it just feels so right’?

The problem is that infatuation is often a crock. A mirage. “A trick of the endocrine system,” according to Gilbert who points out infatuation isn’t the same thing as love, “it’s more like love’s shady second cousin who’s always borrowing money and can’t hold down a job.”

That’s because in those early days, what you’re actually entranced with is the reflection of yourself in the eyes of someone who wants to sleep with you. It’s like two blank pages dazzling each other with potential. Only later do you notice all the fine print. Which is a major bummer if you are already pregnant or have matching tattoos.

The other problem with infatuation is speed. Generally, relationships that start fast also end fast. I’ve learned this the hard way and watched it happen to others predictably often. Some men have a particular tendency to hit the accelerator early, give themselves whiplash and then fling open the door so they can bolt from the moving vehicle. Neck braces all around.

Privately, when the new lover isn’t there, I can give my infatuated friends that worthy little speech about building foundations. “Take it slow,” I caution while they nod and smile insincerely. “If you stay at his house every night, you don’t leave any room to ramp things up when you know each other better. It’s still early days!”

Despite the nodding and the smiling, I’m aware that my sage counsel is about as welcome as a wisdom tooth extraction. Without drugs.

You know when you’re trying to talk some sense into someone and they pretend to listen but you can see they’re just wondering when you’ll shut up so they can run right home and have sex again? It’s like that.

There’s more.

Ah, holiday romance. Far from home, when everything is unfamiliar, Unsuitable Local Dude can easily be mistaken for Mr-He-Completes-Me.

Similarly, if you’re going through a rough patch due to illness, relationship problems, work stress or anything else that throws you off balance, you’re particularly vulnerable to infatuation.

Apparently, this is because when your emotional guard is down, you’re more likely to do the duckling thing and imprint on the first creature that crawls past your cracked egg.

I guess that explains why rebound relationships are usually so intense yet doomed and why most rehab programs recommend recovering addicts avoid new romance for a minimum of 12 months after getting sober. Infatuation.

It may also explain the odd dodgy relationship in your past. You know, the one you look back on and wonder ‘WTF was I thinking?’ Chances are you weren’t. You were just infatuated.

Looking back (or into the mirror) can you see the difference between love and infatuation? What have been your experiences?

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