Hymen Repair Kit. In ‘Joan of Arc red’. (You couldn’t make this stuff up.)
Hello ladies.
So this is fun. If you’ve recently (or not so recently) misplaced your hymen, accidentally damaged it, given it a bit of a tear – then boy, oh, boy, have we got the product for you.
This fabulous Artificial Hymen Repair Kit can give you back that little scrap of membrane that you miss so dearly. And no, we’re not joking because you can’t make up stuff this perverse.
In short, this is a delicate sachet of fake blood that you insert into your vagina like a diaphragm and then it ah, dissolves or ‘tears’ during intercourse. Fun!
The Hong Kong producers of this little gem of a product, promise on their website (HymenShop.com – yes, really!) to “restore your virginity in five minutes with this new technologically advanced product. Kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence.”
The Hymen Repair Kit, which you can pick up for a STEAL at just $3.70 Australian, comes in a range of colours including the feisty ‘Joan of Arc Red’ (pictured) and other options such as ‘Dusty Outback Ochre’, ‘Aeroplane Jelly Raspberry’ and ‘Lady Macbeth Crimson.’ (Ok, we made those colours up but you get the gist).
Journalist, Leah Beckman thought she had better try the kit out and see for herself just how it worked. She wrote about the (hilarious) experience for for NY Magazine:
Missionary is the only option here. During the delicate deflowering process there is no need for the Funny Business. As soon as he’s in, I shriek-yodel question after question: Can you feel it? Is it gross? Does it hurt? Should we stop? Are we breaking up? Are you mad at me? What are you thinking about? What about now? Can you feel it? What about now? I sound like a squawking turkey.
After the deed is done, Leah says, their crotches “looked like the inside of a lava lamp.” Hmmm, so maybe the results are a little TOO dramatic?
Hymen Repair Kit. The contents…
Now of course there is the bigger issue – in some countries around the world, virginity is actually a matter of great import. Women have been killed over less. In fact some Muslim countries have even sought to restrict the importation of the Artificial Hymen Kit but that’s a whole other post…
But for the Australian market? We don’t see a stampede to buy fake hymens. Would you seriously want to stick a piece of red cellophane up your cervix just so you could make a pitch for the ‘thrill’ of first time sex again? We polled the office and there were very few women who put their hands up to re-live the virginity-losing experience.
So if it’s a little dull in the bedroom we suggest that you avoid the whole re-enact-your-virginity thing (regardless of the bargain basement price) and go with something like this or this.
Do you remember losing your virginity? Would you want to re-visit that experience?
Comments
38 Comments so far
Great joke to play on your boyfriend or husband: inject it with green or blue dye instead of the “blood red” color and let the hilarity ensue.I can hear it now: “Oh God! What have you become?!”
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I like that you can buy them in FIVE PACKS.
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I lost mine at a year 11 party and it was anything but classy. I think my hymen broke a few years earlier on its own. I’m half Asian and know of the ridiculous things some of these women have to go through to ‘prove innocence’ or whatever, and I thank my lucky stars that I was brought up in a western country.
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But seriously.
I’m a man (apparently the only one here) but I find this ridiculous and offensive. It’s ridiculous because surely we have moved on as a society from the idea of a woman being the personal property of a man, requiring evidence of not being second-hand. It’s offensive because it demeans both men and women by suggesting that sex is about trivialities rather than pleasure, emotions and relationships.
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From “Fanny Hill” by John Cleland, showing that this idea had been thought of at least as early as 1749. And before you ask, I have no idea how I know this. Must have been something I read by accident once.
“Kissing me then with much affection, and recommending me to my repose, he presently fell fast asleep, which, as soon as I had well satisfied myself of, I with much composure of body, so as not to wake him by any motion, with much ease and safety too, played of Mrs. Cole’s device for perfecting the signs of my virginity. In each of the head bed-posts, just above where the bedsteads are inserted into them, there was a small drawer, so artfully adapted to the mouldings of the timber-work, that it might have escaped even the most curious search: which drawers were easily opened or shut by the touch of a spring, and were fitted each with a shallow glass tumbler, full of a prepared fluid blood, in which lay soaked, for ready use, a sponge, that required no more than gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and properly squeezing between the thighs, when it yelded a great deal more of the red liquid than would save a girl’s honour; after which, replacing it, and touching the spring, all possibility of discovery, or even of suspicion, was taken away; and this was not the work of the fourth part of a minute, and of which ever side one lay, the thing was equally easy and practicable, by the double care taken to have each bed-post provided alike. True it is, that had he waked and caught me in the act, it would at least have covered me with shame and confusion; but them, that he did not, was, with the precautions I took, a risk of a thousand to one in my favour”.
Thank you to Project Gutenberg for making this classic book available
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/25305/25305-h/25305-h.htm
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Most of us (including me) would feel that this kit is pretty silly, but I wonder how many of us also feel angry that this kit even exists ?
There’s a deeply sinister aspect to this too………
The very start of a feminist debate could happen with this crummy product, along with vaginal deodorant sprays and any other attempt to downgrade women so that some men can flatter themselves as “superior”.
Female equality has to come a long, long way yet when the very basic nature of female genitalia has to be considered as “appropriate for male consumption”.
These seemingly harmless little kits should be gathered up and placed on a public bonfire – that MIGHT make the evening news.
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I could not agree more with you. I get so angry I can barely speak when I think of all the stuff done to women all in the name of male consumption, as you have so aptly put it.
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I do know to the date when I lost my virginity. I also know there was no blood!
I would have been stoned by my family if living in the wrong country… Possibly also because I was 16 at the time and not married to the man who ‘took’ it
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I must have “broken” mine using tampons before I had sex because I didnt bleed at all.
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Mary off Downton Abbey needed this.
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I had a very pleasant disvirginsation, back when I was 17.
Five years later, the other day I was having sex with my gorgeous sex friend, and my hymen broke just like that! It didn’t the first time.
Ta da!
He thought I had my period
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Had no trouble with tampons but was painful and bled when I lost my virginity. Wouldn’t want to relive it for anything. Makes me wonder why you would want to wait for your wedding night.
Although possibly my own fault since I was too embarrassed to tell him so he wasn’t as gentle as he could have been.
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Yes I remember. No way on God’s green earth would I want a repeat. And a fake hymen? Bloody hell (no pun intended)!
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First words after I lost mine? ‘Is it in?’ Poor guy!
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I don’t even remember my hymen breaking??!! The room was pitch black… Maybe I will go buy a virginity kit to relive the experience I never had! haha
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Do they do a male version ? I wonder how that would work ?
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Male equivalent = Gone off within sixty seconds, Bradley. Ready to go again a few minutes later!
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My boyfriend was the same!
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I thought if you didn’t have sex for 3 months or more it grew back? (haha)
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Ha! A friend of mine says that if the opportunity ever presents itself again, she will need WD-40 and a cobweb brush.
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Bahaha – that’s gold!!!
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Yep, I remember I broke my own hymen trying to insert a tampon. It was the middle of summer and 43 degrees and there was no way in hell I was staying out of the pool so I was quite determined to get that sucker in there.
I also recall that my first ever boyfriend expressed some doubt about my virginity after the “first time” because I didn’t bleed and apparently I seemed a little too enthusiastic about the process. Douchebag!
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I had a similar experience afterwards he said I thought you said you were a virgin. I did go on to marry him though!
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I had a very similar experience – the first time I ever used a tampon, it got, ahem, stuck. I had a couple of small holes in my hymen so when I tried to pull the tampon out, I couldn’t without excruciating pain. I had to go to my mum for her to look (mortifying) and eventually on to a GP to cut open the tiny hole! Extremely embarrassing for a 14 year old.
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I had the same problem savannahofaus.
It was extremely embarrasing asking my mum, who happened to have a friend over a the time. They both had a look and tried to get it out, tried using baby oil. In the end i had to go to the doctor who got it out straight way…..
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Haha I like the this or this at the end! Much more appealing!
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I did a rotation in a gynae word as a student midwife and was present for two hymenal repairs of Pakistani teenage sisters. It was a pretty simple procedure, but some of the most disturbing surgery I’ve been present for.
In case you’re wondering, the most disturbing surgery I’ve been present for was an abdominal hysterectomy on a very large woman, and the doctor had to stand on a footstool so that he had enough height to be able to look down at what he was doing. While he was leaning forward, his glasses slipped off his nose and fell into the woman’s opened up abdomen. They had to rinse out the area with chlorhexidene. Fairly gross.
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Do many women actually have their hymen tear and bleeding these days? I thought since we were so physically active these days that very few women made it that to virginity loss with their hymen intact. I don’t know? All I know is that when I lost my virginity there was no pain or blood and no hymen after years of gymnastics and ballet classes.
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I was thinking the exact same thing! Also tampons are suppost to break it.
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Um, tampons don’t break hymens (unless you’re really rough with yourself!)
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Our hymens are/were as unique as we are – some are pretty much non-existent and some almost completely seal the vagina… the latter variety would not allow a tampon.
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Our hymens are/were as unique as we are. Some are pretty much non-existent, some almost seal the vagina completely… the latter wouldn’t allow a tampon through…
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My mother, appallingly enough, told me not to use tampons until after I’d had sex because they would break/stretch my hymen and the man I would have sex with might like for me to be a virgin. She was a gynaecologist for 15 years, too… quite an old-fashioned view for someone who worked her job for so long!
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It really depends on the person! I was always pretty active in sport as a teenager but could never use tampons as it hurt A LOT! When I lost my virginity I realised why… pain, so much pain. Blood, so much. Haha.
Anyway, I can now use tampons fine. Basically everyone is made differently and yes, some girls do tear and bleed ‘in this day and age.’
PS – I would NEVER relive my virginity. Man was that awful. :p
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As far as I know I never had a hymen! Lucky I wasn’t born in a Muslim country!
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Me too! I’ve often wondered about that – I never encountered anything obstuctive in trying to insert tampons, never had a horrible gymnastic/horseriding tear experience, and yet nothing illustrative happened when I had sex for the first time. I wonder how common it is to just not have a hymen at all?
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Glad I’m not the only one! I was getting worried reading the other replies. No idea where mine is/was or what it even would look like!
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Yes… Definitely! Every single time I’ve ever had sex I’ve experienced pain, bleeding and discomfort due to an overly thick hymenal band.
Have had a hymenectomy to remove it, which is apparently very very common and should negate all of the issues (relating to physical pain) I’ve previously experienced.
Can’t wait to try out my new designer vagina!
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