So this is fun. If you’ve recently (or not so recently) misplaced your hymen, accidentally damaged it, given it a bit of a tear – then boy, oh, boy, have we got the product for you.
This fabulous Artificial Hymen Repair Kit can give you back that little scrap of membrane that you miss so dearly. And no, we’re not joking because you can’t make up stuff this perverse.
In short, this is a delicate sachet of fake blood that you insert into your vagina like a diaphragm and then it ah, dissolves or ‘tears’ during intercourse. Fun!
The Hong Kong producers of this little gem of a product, promise on their website (HymenShop.com – yes, really!) to “restore your virginity in five minutes with this new technologically advanced product. Kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence.”
The Hymen Repair Kit, which you can pick up for a STEAL at just $3.70 Australian, comes in a range of colours including the feisty ‘Joan of Arc Red’ (pictured) and other options such as ‘Dusty Outback Ochre’, ‘Aeroplane Jelly Raspberry’ and ‘Lady Macbeth Crimson.’ (Ok, we made those colours up but you get the gist).
Journalist, Leah Beckman thought she had better try the kit out and see for herself just how it worked. She wrote about the (hilarious) experience for for NY Magazine:
After a brief bedroom warm-up session with my boyfriend, I excuse myself to the bathroom, kit and instructions in hand. I open the first packet and take out what looks like a clear plastic Listerine strip folded into eighths. There is a gruesome amount of bright red liquid inside the folds. I “completely unfold the hymen,” as step No. 4 in the instructions indicates.
Some dried-up flakes of red fall from the plastic. I don’t remember red dust at my original hymen-loss, but maybe every hymen-loss is a snowflake unto itself: a tiny and unique horror story floating in the wintertime of our innocence.
Missionary is the only option here. During the delicate deflowering process there is no need for the Funny Business. As soon as he’s in, I shriek-yodel question after question: Can you feel it? Is it gross? Does it hurt? Should we stop? Are we breaking up? Are you mad at me? What are you thinking about? What about now? Can you feel it? What about now? I sound like a squawking turkey.
My boyfriend answers all of the questions in the order they are received: He can’t feel it. Everything feels normal. He’s not mad. We’re not breaking up. Mostly he’s just thinking about sex. Still can’t feel it. No, not even now.
Soon our banter has dissolved like the fake hymen in my vagina, and we are quiet. Me because I am imagining the Magic School Bus journey my liquefied hymen is making through my body, and him because he is just having regular sex with me, and we generally don’t “riff” when we’re doing that. Then we are done. Our crotches look like the inside of a lava lamp.
Now of course there is the bigger issue – in some countries around the world, virginity is actually a matter of great import. Women have been killed over less. In fact some Muslim countries have even sought to restrict the importation of the Artificial Hymen Kit but that’s a whole other post…
But for the Australian market? We don’t see a stampede to buy fake hymens. Would you seriously want to stick a piece of red cellophane up your cervix just so you could make a pitch for the ‘thrill’ of first time sex again? We polled the office and there were very few women who put their hands up to re-live the virginity-losing experience.
Do you remember losing your virginity? Would you want to re-visit that experience?