Head to any self-help section of your local bookshop and it will (sadly) be clogged with dating advice books. Notable mentions include the relentlessly popular The Rules, and the controversial The Game, which, amongst other things, encourages men to put down women they’re attracted to, to ultimately ruin their confidence and gain the upper hand – a practice called ‘negging’. Total ick. I am anti-these books, and if ‘negging’ isn’t enough of a reason, it’s because most of them advocate manipulation; editing oneself, and time-wasting. Take the most common dating advice book inclusions; waiting three days after the first date to make contact; waiting a few hours before responding to a text; tips to keep your partner on their toes, and not saying yes to every invitation. You get the point. And I’d like to suggest that the point is crap.
Firstly, please let me clarify that if you date me I’m not going to clog up your phone with “I wuv U baby” text messages; casually hang outside your home (i.e. stalking), or buy a wedding dress after our second date. I’m not about that (i.e being desperate). What I don’t understand though is if you’ve got a person in front of you, who you like, why go out of your way to not show them? Why play stupid games?
Because I’m all about helping a brotha/sista out, I have identified the top 5 dating time waster types (can be both male and female) following conversations with my girlfriends/reflections on my own sad pathetic life extensive scientific research. You’re welcome.
For your own sanity, it is my recommendation that you avoid the following types (and Two and a Half Men) like the plague:
The Relationship Denier: Just as silly as their climate change denying cousins, these people do not have the testicles or female equivalent to admit the truth. For example, take this introduction: “Hi Rebecca, this is Jackie…,” sans the “my girlfriend” part, when no doubt, Jackie has heard him poo; seen his privates, and is called ‘cutie-pie’ behind closed doors (or some other sickening love name that we all give our partners).
The Stupid Meanie: Advocates of the ‘treat em mean, keep em keen’ dating philosophy. I was once seeing a guy (hindsight; total knob) who declared an hour and a half after the time he was supposed to turn up for a date, that he actually wasn’t going to, then, spent the whole of that evening texting me with how much he missed me/likes me/wants to be with me. Lame.
The Facebook Flirt: Those who flirt relentlessly with others over Facebook (posting suggestive messages on walls; hinting at plans to ‘catch up’; signing off with winks and kisses) and the like, to keep their love interest ‘on their toes’. Firstly – very obvious, and secondly – yawn.
The Fisherpeople: This species constantly tries to ‘bait’ their love interests for reactions. For example, they will blatantly perve on others; flirt with wait staff and their partner’s friends, and/or will mention a “very attractive person they saw today” in general conversation. (Hint: When it’s obvious you’re attention seeking, you’re not doing a very good job.)
Mr/Miss Delay: Those who sit around and wait 3 hours plus to respond to a text message/call to make it look like they’re super busy/unavailable/just-having-so-much-fun-and-aren’t-even-thinking-about-you. Um, really? Wouldn’t it be nicer to have a conversation with the person you like, rather than counting down the minutes?
To me, ALL of these types are comparable to those boys back in primary school (Michael – you) who relentlessly teased the girls they liked, to show them that they liked them. Stupid; because the message is delivered in a convoluted and hurtful way, whilst delaying the possibility of love. Ball-up people!
Yes, putting your feelings out there significantly increases your vulnerability. I get that. But if the recipient shoots you down in flames, then they do (and if they do it meanly you know you’ve ridden yourself of a jerk). And then you hurt and ‘ugly cry’ for a bit. And then you eat tonnes of ice-cream (anything with caramel and chocolate usually works). And then you watch a lot of Pride and Prejudice (well Colin Firth, let’s be honest). And then you get out of your 12-day-old pyjamas. And then you move on. And then you find someone who appreciates your love (hopefully someone like Colin Firth). And then you’re happy. (‘You’ in this paragraph may or may not be ‘Rebecca McGuire’).
Because I clearly like to talk about myself, a lot, I’ll share with you this personal anecdote to support my argument for not playing games. For taking risks. Straight after my first date with now-Boyfriend, he messaged me to say “thank you”, and I messaged back to say same. No delay. And, we texted the next day too (we’re Gen Y, texting is what we do). None of that 3 day rubbish. Now, we’ve progressed, and the L-bomb (I love you) has been dropped. Sometimes, we even say it in French. Because we’re just so creative.
‘Life’s too short’ is a cliché oft-bandied around, but that’s because it’s true. We are not here forever. Be open; leave the games on the field.
Do you know any of these people? Played any of these games yourself?
Comments
43 Comments so far
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I’m all for the transparency and Getting it right together. But what if it got caught in a rut and my estranged wife now is playing with a divorcee leaving the 3 kids and I to wonder what the future might hold. Should she give it a go or should she focus on a new life….
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Perhaps she is looking for unachievable fulfillment, speaking from experience – she had better be sure – playing the separation game can be dangerous if it means you are shutting doors. I always like the approach of keeping a few doors open because at least then I am able to make my own decision….
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I think for women there should be “the fixer up er”. We women love a challenge don’t we? Usually a wounded type, or one that has a lot of bad habits that would turn out well if only we could fix him. Usually to be followed by time (depending upon your resolve/stupidity or his apparent willingness to change), but eventually we realize that we have achieved very little and move on, somewhat wounded by then. We don’t usually learn until somewhere in our late 20s, or even 30s if we’re really persistent that you can only change yourself and that a man will change if he really wants to. As evidenced by the number of times that a man will settle down quite happily with the next woman he starts a relationship with. This is just my personal theory. I picked up a band boy in my late teens that lasted 4 years (& 2 kids). He tried very hard to change himself, but found it much harder than I (I was a bad girl when we met) , so we split in my early 20s. I learned from him and have been with my hubbie for 19 years now.
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I hate dating mind games, I couldn’t agree more if you like someone/interested why would you need to bother waiting to text back.
I am starting to become jaded and I’m losing hope after 4 years of being single and rather inderpendant it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Every time I meet someone the games always begin, I’m 27 not 10 ENOUGH already!
Where is he???
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I kind of think the whole dating thing is a game, and in every game there are winners and losers. So play your heart out!! Best to be on the winning side, however unfortunately not always the case!! Play the game, enjoy it and don’t take any boy too seriously if they don’t feel the same. At the end of the day I want to smile and laugh and be happy and if there is no boy to fill that void there are always friends who will.
I don’t think I have met the one yet, however I have definitely bonded more with my friends over the stories about each of the boys we have / are dating…and being single means that rather than relying on one person for my happiness I share this with many people.
Grass is greener wherever you water it….be single until you meet someone who provides more entertainment than that enjoyed playing the dating game!
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I am recently single , and while I won’t be dating for a long time until I get over it , I am really scared of having to go through all this. With my last boyfriend I wasn’t looking and it all just happened , no game playing. I am 27 and independent but don’t want to go through this bull again. Anyone else feel the same ? I was with him for two years … Gah why is this so hard ???
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yep some of these are games..for many reasons But there’s a more dangerous dater..the sociopath. He or she is intensely charming, finds you irresistable, good at creating an instant “connection.” Then you get a feeling something is not right.. there are outrageous stories, things that don’t seem right, he/she always has had many relationships personal, and business where they are always the victim, always hard done by. As part of strategy to get you hooked, they will deliberately begin to manipulate you (by playing some of mentioned games) Their aim is personal financial gain, or to have power over sexual partners.They are intensely self-absorbed, promiscuous and lie continually. Google “dating a sociopath” for some truly awful experiences of dating a sociopath, and read Hare’s test for sociopathy. Interestingly these people are often very good at playing poker..
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loved this post, so true. never seen the appeal of colin firth though.
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Whaaaat? The man does Britsh noble suffering at an epic level like no-one else. Nothing sexier than someone you want to console and snog at the same tIme…
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I lived wih a Stupid Meanie who did the stand-me-up-then-send-’miss you’-texts thing with the entire relationship, not just dates. Leave me for someone else, then complain to me about how he’d rather be with me, and because of lack of self-esteem I hung around for him.
A few years later I’m with a wonderful no-games man. We met at a mutual friend’s party and had a one-night stand that became a 3 years (so far) relationship. After so much lying and game-playing from my ex, the communication and honesty is just mind-blowing. Eg if I’m feeling a bit introverted and want some solitude, I’ll just say so and he’ll say ‘enjoy yourself. Do you want me to go visit [friend] so you can have the house to yourself?’ Phwoar.
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just a coupla stupid meanies (hindsight: total knobs!). ick. now nobody. ho hum.
love the “following conversations with my girlfriends/reflections on my own sad pathetic life – extensive scientific research” … totally how I evaluate all worthy social observations …
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I don’t like playing games, if you like someone and they like you, whats the point? I don’t get the whole ‘treat em mean, keep em keen’. I usually go for the shy nice guys, and boy do they need prodding. I’m going on a date with a a cute shy guy tomorrow night, and you know how i snagged him? I went up to him and said to him ‘i think you’re cute’. We hit it off, no game playing, nothing
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game playing is such a waste of time. I have never done it, been with my husband fro 17 years, married for 11 of those. Perhaps it’s because we met young (me: 18, him: 20) and i didn’t know about “the rules” and all that crap. I know i’m glad our dating took place prior to email and texting. We actually had to talk to each other and i think it’s easier to play some of these games via email and text.
my sister is currently driving me nuts with all these game playing crap with a new guy she’s met. “what does this message mean? how should i reply? should i send the message straight away of wait until tomorrow?” i just want to bang my head against the wall. my advice: if you like him then why don’t you act like it. no games, no vague messages just be straight forward. i know she won’t listen.
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My ex was a Facebook flirt. It became a big issue for us. I was always saying it was inappropriate for him to talk to other girls like that, and omit the fact that he had a girlfriend even when they were clearly fishing for that detail. Made me feel like when I brought it up, I was being weird/possessive. In hindsight, I still think I was right
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You were! Idiot (him, not you!)
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Game playing is fun, sure. But it can only go on for so long. There comes a point where all that garbage just gets old, and it’s time for a serious relationship. I was with a guy who didn’t know when enough was enough. I loved him and let him get away with it. Afterwards I realised that I was foolish and he was stupid. But now, looking back on it, I’m thinking that maybe he just wasn’t as ready as I was to take that plunge into the world of love. Oh it’s a fine fine line.
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That guy was me. I blew it with a fantastic girl because I continued to play games (two of these, the you might be my girlfriend game and the hard to get game). She dumped me and I have never felt more stupid in my life. There was amazing chemistry there, yet I still felt like I needed to keep some type of power over her. I have never been with someone that I actually liked more over time (always the opposite). Well she’s with another guy now, and I am out having meaningless sex with girls and not really liking it. Hoping someday we will re connect (through mutual friends) and I can be an adult this time. Was I really ready for a serious relationship? Probably not. But I let a really really good one who was really into me slip away. I came off like a total narcissist and even months later still kick myself. I thought I was playing it so cool, that I was “winning”. Ignoring her complaints about how my lack of communication during the week was making her sad. About how I didn’t introduce her as my girlfriend to my friends after we had been dating exclusively for months. How I went away on trips and never called her until I got back. The last time I returned from a trip wanting nothing more than to see this girl and I noticed something had changed. I knew she was done. She spent the weekend with her friends and family and I think she got the support she neded to end us. I tried to salvage it, but she was already over it emotionally. I never harassed her, just told her I was sorry for being so childish and that she was an amazing girl. The moral of this story is: yes, games have a place. But you need to know when they have to stop. I am that play it cool guy who got what I deserved. When you ruin something like I did, it is hard to forgive yourself.
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I actually dated someone who did ALL of those things. It didn’t last and then he wondered why???
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This is brilliant, Rebecca, love it!
I’ve date a “Fisherpeople” before, it didn’t last, funnily enough.
I agree with every thing you said!
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A ‘friend’ (read, someone who turned on me randomly) gave me the rules and I honestly thought it was a load of crap. If you are dating an asshole they will never work. if you’re dating a good guy, you won’t need them. I broke every single one of those rules with y fiancé, and guess what – he’s my fiancé! The ‘never accept a Saturday date after wednesday – it means you’re a last tesort’ was rubbish. He texted me a few hours before and invited me to his friends birthday drinks. He waited til the last minute because he was afraid I’d say no, and of I did he could tell himself it was just short notice! I said yes because I liked him and had nothing on that night. I slept with him after about two weeks, and really that was only from lack of opportunity! He asked me to marry him after a month. We didn’t become ‘officially’ engaged for over a year, but we moved in together after 6 months (again, against the ‘rules’). It’s game playing nonsense. And Ive learnt (from experience, from talking to my male friends and fiancé) that there’s no ‘mixed messages’ from blokes. If they really like you, they will tell you. They will ask you out, they will want to spend time with you. If you play games, they’ll most likely think you’re an idiot and give up. That sounds harsh, but to me ‘games’ and applying ‘rules’ just sounds like petty high school crap. I hope no one falls for these books, because from what I’ve seen, they insult both men and women’s intelligence. End rant.
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“If you are dating an asshole they will never work. if you’re dating a good guy, you won’t need them.”
You hit the nail on the head! So very right.
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wow, I’ve been lucky with the guys I’ve dated reading this. I thought women played these games…Haven’t encountered them with men.
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i have to say – I love the Rules! it’s not about playing odd games, it’s about not wasting your time on ppl who are not interested in you. Why is that so bad?!
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Ooh I was so sick of backwards forwards, did he mean this, should I tell him that, crap … the last time round I just hung it all out there and it was “take it or leave it, sport, this is me”. A bit taken back, but totally happy there wasn’t a back story I was covering up … 11 years later, 6 years married and 3.3 kids laters …
Seriously, I could have gone either way when I got the “so, you slept with such and such” (bloke from same town) … *thinks to self about the prospect of answering the question about something I did regret after the fact… oh frig it* … “yep … 3 years ago. My beer’s empty?”
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Played it open and honest with a girl once, and never again. Told her after a few weeks that I considered her attractive, liked her sense of humour, style & conversation and was interested in a relationship with her.
She immeadiately stopped talking to me.
In hindsight, I think it was because she’d had an abusive relationship 3 years prior and hadn’t had a relationship since. Suspect she was a little bit freaked out that someone was prepared to be open and honest without the game playing. For her, she probably needed the game playing to lure her into a relationship – to stop her freaking out.
Oh well, live and learn.
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There is nothing wrong with what you did , she was just not the right one. Keep being open.
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I wish………. I have tried the upfront honest thing with the last two guys and they still stuff about I can’t win
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” I was once seeing a guy (hindsight; total knob)” I love you Rebbeca J McGuire.
Got nothing to add because we just both admitted it and ran with it. And that was 16 years ago.
Love it. x
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Actually I miss a bit of game playing. My partner and I love and respect eachother and know exactly what page we are on which is comforting and nice but the game playing that takes place at the start of a flirtation was fun.
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I recently left my 6.5 year stagnant relationship to be with a guy I met who I was quite taken by. he’s 10 years older than me, I moved 4,500klms to be with him and I must say it is SO refreshing that he includes me in everything he is doing. His friends ask him places, he assumes I will come too – he lets me know in advance which nights of the week he is going to stay at my house, he calls me during the day to let me know what he is up to and he picks me up from work most days. he is wonderful. I dont have to play games, or be insecure because it’s as though he recognises these insecurities and perhaps has them himself that he doesnt bother to play the game. I am so happy, content, relaxed.
aaah. Love.
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ill have what shes having..
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Ditto.
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Me too, me too
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And me three
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It continually amazes me how many rules and formulas my friends have to dating and how horrified many of them are when I declare I am myself, I am not playing games, If I like someone they’ll know, I’ll reply to texts and make an effort. If I don’t like them I am normally polite enough to tell them.
I absolutely hate games, I won’t play them and if I realise someone I am dating is I’m hardly impressed. I am amazed people respond to having their self esteem shattered.
Interestingly, my friends telling me to play games to find a man usually admit in their current relationship they did not…. but still tell me don’t text back, don’t call, treat em’ mean, keep them keen or I’ll be taken advantage of…. I’d prefer to be me, this is who I am 100% and thats not going to change.
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All I can say is that I’m glad I’m married!
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I used to play hard to get but with my previous relationship I was sick of the games and just texted him when I wanted to and didn’t care if he got scared off by it.Why ? Because if he really wants to be with me he won’t be put off by me being me. I know what I want and from now on I will let guys know that I am not into casual flings and short-term stuff I want the real deal.I mean I don’t want to just end up with anyone , but games are stupid and I refuse to play it And if a guy does it with me he can get lost. If a guy plays hard to get with me , and I always have to wonder what is going on , he can find someone else.No time wasters please !
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Oh I have met Mr Delay a few hundred million times! Just rid myself of The Stupid Meanie who would blow me off every night till he ‘fessed up when my replies to his excuses became bored.
I despise games. If I say I’ll see you, I’ll see you. If I like you, I will make every effort to be there. My reply rate to texts is 100%. With me, what you see is what you get.
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I felt like quite the smug married reading this! It was very entertaining reflecting back on the childish mind games I endured during dating but I’m glad to say me and my husband’s relationship developed after I told him he needed to respect me more, that stopped the games! What I loved about him became more evident
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i was strangely repulsed yet fascinated with The Game. I was more repulsed by the girls who fall for the so called games. which is a terrible thing to say as these men sped their lives figuring out the best way to lure woman just to discard them.
My biggest hate about the Mr/Miss Delay is that they’re usually the ones who are on facebook posting about what an awesome time they are having instead of actually enjoying the moment and commenting on it later. i don’t get that!
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Well, if we’re sharing…
After years of bieng dicked around with these stupid rules, I went into my current relationship being clear right from the start – NO GAMES. He, in turn, was relieved to not have to second guess every text, call, email etc. From the beginning we could be ourselves, and it was wonderful.
Fast forward six years – we are happily married and expecing our first baby next year.
xo
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I hate games and yet i inadvertently end up playing them! Not in a terrible way but i withhold some of my feelings for the fear of rejection!
The dating scene is such a tough place and i always am scared that a wrong move will scare off any potential suitors.
Which i know logically is crazy but there is always that self doubt in the beginning of anything new that your not good enough.
After reading that i think i have realized that i need to work on my self esteem!
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kristalilly, I am EXACTLY the same. I used to be very open with guys, but after getting hurt multiple times I am extremely cautious and careful with what I do and say. (When I get nervous I babble)