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Baby2 Holding stillborn children: more traumatic?

 

 

 

A University of Queensland researcher is concerned parents who hold their stillborn children, or bathe them, experience higher rates of depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Dr Kelly Cunningham reviewed studies that had already been conducted, some of which appeared to show parents who held their stillborn children experienced higher levels of anxiety (particularly in subsequent pregnancies) and were reportedly more likely to break up.

While she questioned current guidelines from the Perinatal Society of Australia and New Zealand, Dr Cunningham ultimately agreed parents should not be forced to make a decision about how to cope with their stillborn child:

”There does not appear to be clear evidence of a benefit for parents in holding a stillborn child, so it would seem that the most appropriate approach, given the available evidence, would be to support the parents to make their own choice,” she said.

Emma McLeod, the founder of the Stillbirth Foundation Australia, told Mamamia questioning guidelines that allowed parents choice was ‘antiquated’.

“A lot of these studies have found what we already know,” she said.

“Unfortunately we already know, from the decades before the 1980s, that forcing parents to make one decision or another is wrong. I agree with the guidelines as they are now, that parents should be supported to make the choice that suits them.

“We know some 90 per cent of parents choose to hold their child after it is stillborn, although of course some don’t for cultural or various other reasons.

“I’d say that any parent, whether they held their child or not, would have high levels of stress during their next pregnancy. Right now, I can tell you, I have no regret that I held my daughter.”

Heartfelt is an organisation of photographers who volunteer to photograph parents and their children who were stillborn. Read more about it here. Here is some of that work:

Photo by Gavin Blue, Heartfelt

Are you someone, or do you know someone, who had a stillborn son or daughter? Did you or they get to see them, or hold them?

- If you wish to talk to someone about difficult circumstances in your own life, phone Lifeline on 13 11 414.

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123 Comments so far

  1. Oliver's mommy

    Why on earth would someone want to try and fix something that is not fixable? My son died at 20 weeks. He was born 17 weeks later with his twin sister. Those four months that I could not hold him or see him, were what caused my anxiety. Holding him and seeing him, and saying hello and goodbye, and having a professional photographer take his pictures, and letting my son who was almost four, and my husband and the rest of our families meet him and hold him is exactly why I am able to function today. He was always real to me but I can close my eyes and see his face like it was yesterday (it’s been almost two years). He is my son. Why would I ever want to pretend he isn’t. It takes a long time, but you find a new normal and there’s nothing wrong with that. I have periods of time that are especially hard. I completely believe that if someone had decided to take my child from me, it would have been at that point that I would have spiralled into a darkness that I would have never recovered from. Not everything is a medical puzzle to be solved. Times have changed.

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  2. Sarah

    We lost our son, stillborn only 3 weeks ago and for me, holding him was part of the journey of motherhood. Through the delivery and devastation of losing a baby, the least I could do as his mum was give him a cuddle as I’d been longing to do for so long. I think the whole experience is traumatic, regardless of ones decision to touch and hold their baby. So glad I did though!

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  3. W

    When you’ve held your dead child in your arms, you have fully comprehended the totality of everything that has been lost. There can be no denial, no distancing from the fact your child is gone. This, I believe, is important to the grief process. This researcher should do a long term study – I’ll bet those that have held their babies, in the long run, have “coped” better. For me, there was no alternative – was I to hand my baby girl over, never loved, never touched, never kissed and never cuddled by her mother? If I had that, would I have done it for me, or for her?

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  4. V

    I just found this article today, six weeks after my precious baby girl was born just days shy of 23 weeks gestation. She lived bravely for an hour then passed away in my arms. It was the single most traumatic even of my life and we are still reeling at the shock and horror of it all. She was utterly perfect.

    Bec, not sure if you will see this but I want you to know that what you have said here over time about your sweet Georgie has helped me. Your courage in walking the path you have has stayed with me. I have a number of friends who share similar stories and what they have been through and the support they have offered me are helping me through this utter trauma. I just wanted to thank you. My heart burns to have my little girl known, and I sense already that her life will not be wasted. These precious babies have a destiny just like anyone else.

    We held our sweet girl. I will never regret that and I aches to hold her again. Yes, it is traumatic but I think the whole thing is traumatic beyond words.mive honestly thought I was losing my mind at times.

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  5. @HeatherSmithAU

    My best friend’s child Stephen was still born fifteen years ago. She held her child, and proudly shows us photos, and reminds of us his milestones.

    Stephen has been an important part of our lives, even though he never took a breath.

    Do what you need to do – but I would urge someone to take LOADS of photos of your baby – if at some stage anyone in the family needs them.

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  6. Natalya

    How could this person have the nerve to make this assumption without ever experiencing the loss of a child. This should not be allowed.

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  7. Chantel

    Holding a stillborn child should be decided by the parents no one else. As my sister inlaw said saying goodbye at the same time as saying hello is bitter sweet. The hardest thing anyone can do is hand over their newborn baby to a stranger, silent, still & cold. Ryan was stillborn full term. His parents & Family were glad they saw & held him.

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  8. SOBBS(stories of babies born still) on facebook

    With in our group we have over 2000 members who cherish the moments they were allowed to spend with their stillborn child. I do believe it should be left up to the parents…but encouraging them to do so should be part of every hospitals protocol…..along with photos…..because w truly have no idea what our hearts will need to heal months or years down the road. I held my son go a few brief moments

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  9. charlee

    I’m thinking, no! knowing the writer/researcher has never experienced what us as mothers of angels has experienced this traumatic situation. as painful as it was to hold my stillborn daughter, it was the most saddest, depressing but yet best and most cherished time I’ll ever have with her

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  10. Pam

    Well me and my whole family held and cuddled my daughter kaylea including her older brother and sister and I am glad that we did and I have no regrets!! If anything I thought it helped! We all had photos with her and atleast we have them to always cherish!

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  11. Tara

    The precious hours I spent with Aidan are the sweetest most precious hours of my life. I would not trade them for anything. When the grief is too raw or when my arms ache from the emptiness, I am able to look at the pictures of us as a family and remember the precious time we were given. They are what keep me sane.

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  12. Kim

    My grandmother lost her second baby full-term to placental abruption. This was in the 60′s and she was told that she couldn’t hold the baby. To this day, she wonders what her little girl looked like, she wonders if she had daddy’s nose and momma’s hands, she wonders if she was a little cue ball or had a full head of hair like her big brother did (my father). In May, I suffered a stillborn. My son was 35 weeks old. I am so thankful that I had those precious moments with my son, moments I will cherish for a lifetime. I got to see that he had his daddy’s nose, momma’s eyes, and he was chalk full of hair. I agree that everyone has to make their own decision, but I really wonder how statistically relevant this lady’s study was…

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  13. Vicky

    My son died on his due date, i got to the hospital and when they checked me i was 7 1/2 cm, they then hooked me up to the fetal monitor and their was no heartbeat, 30 minutes later i gave birth to the most beautiful perfect baby boy but he never opened his eyes or cried… Holding your dead child is something you will NEVER get over, the worst part is leaving the hospital knowing he is there alone with nobody who loved him, he was supposed to go home not to a morgue, those are the things that haunt every moment of everyday, 1 year later and i am still broken to my core, do i think holding him made it worse? No his death made my life change, how could you give birth to such perfection and not hold them?

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  14. Holly

    This is such a painful topic that I don’t think any body can understand unless they have been though it, my 86 year old grandma’s first child was born and shortly after died, back in those days things were very different, she never saw her little boy much less hold him, she left hospital and the subject was never discussed with my grandad or any of her family, he was burried b4 she left the hospital. To this day the emotional scars of this trauma are very raw for her, I recently had the first grandchild in the family, and it did play on my mind a little during my pregnancy after 3 years of trying to fall pregnant it was an important factor in me deciding on elective caseeren, whilst I was pregnant the subject came up with her one day and she told me she thought not allowing a mother to see her child no matter what the circumstances was a mortal sin. Although I have the highest respect for a woman’s right to choose, I would hate to see a return to the practices my grandma endured & sufferered from for the last 60 years.

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  15. Angie Haag

    I am an experienced mother (7 kiddies) and have dealt with miscarriage as well as stillbirth on top of my other children. I cuddled my stillborn for 12 hrs. Thanks to the support of all the nurses they encouraged me to do this, I wanted this. That was my very short time but I wouldnt change it for the world as it created memories that I wouldnt of had a chance to have otherwise, I remember her plump little lips and her tiny button nose, and her delicate little fingers. Going through something this traumatic is going to leave a gapeing pain that we as parents learn to deal with on a daily basis. Nurses should be the way of being soft and careing and encouraging touch. Death isnt as scary as i once thought it was. How could it be when I was holding such a beautiful baby. If anything its helped me to a degree with be able to accept what had happened and move on, although not a day goes past that I dont think of her.

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  16. lisadive

    My daughter Aurora wasn’t stillborn but died less than an hour after she was born, entirely unexpectedly.

    We were completely shocked when the midwife wrapped her up and gave her to us after the resuscitation team was unable to get her to breathe.

    There are few things I’m more grateful for than the opportunity to hold her that night. I stared at her for ages, felt her warm soft velvety skin, saw how much she looked like her big brother (but with different coloured hair), told her how much we love her, and held her and held her until my arms ached with the weight of her.

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    • Anonymous

      Oh Lisa. My heart goes out to you. Life can be so unkind. It’s just not fair that anyone should have to go through this.

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  17. becsparrow

    I held Georgie. I held her and cuddled her and sung her a little song about how much her mummy and daddy love her. And I don’t regret it for a moment.

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  18. Flutterby

    It absolutely depends on the parents and the moment. Me, I would want to see the child and that would be it.

    I still remember kissing my mother’s cold, dead lips after being pushed to. I didn’t want to. And it haunts me.

    People should feel free to grieve in the way they need. As someone said – offer the choices. You’ll know what’s right for you.

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  19. An Idle Dad

    I totally treasure the moments I got to hold my son, Fred. Yes, our following pregnancy was stressful, no more so for the fact it was identical to the one we lost Fred it – boy and girl twins – but we did all the tests and checks and it was all OK in the end.

    I’m good with the choice option. Taking the child away has obviously been very stressful for so many mothers that ‘no choice’ doesn’t sit well with me. I’d certainly be upset if I never got to touch my son.

    If the trend of higher rates of PTSD can be verified and hold true, then I’d expect the hospital social worker/psychologist/general helper person to, when discussing the option, to mention that this is a risk and to be prepared afterwards.

    Those photos are beautiful. I do have some photos of Fred that I don’t like to look at, but I do wish I’d know about Heartfelt at the time.

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  20. beth

    My 4th child of 9 (only one was born alive- and is the delight of my life today, a delicious 4 year old boy!) was born at 23 weeks though sadly she died during her delivery. For me, my opportunity to hold her, kiss her, feel her against my breast means so much. I’m a social woker and continue to work with those affected by grief and loss. We are all different. Please. Suspend absolutes. Offer choices. Be gentle with whatever is decided and provide nurture and care regardless. I cherish the safe space Mamamia offers women to open up about their loss… and the mixed up, conflicted feelings some experience. Thank you, everyone….

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    • An Idle Dad

      “Suspend absolutes. Offer choices.”

      Summed it up perfectly.

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    • jetmum

      Thank you Beth, you have worded my thoughts perfectly. Above all ‘”be gentle with whatever is decided and provide nurture and care regardless”. So terribly important for all bereaved parents.

      I am so sorry for your losses, but am so pleased you have your delicious 4 year old boy here with you. They bring so much healing.

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  21. Brenda Tregidgo

    I had a stillborn baby boy 1987, I held my beautiful child even though I knew I would never see him again after I held him or see him grow up to be the a wonderful man as I have seen my other children grow. I think it is an individual thing but if I hadnt held my child I would have more grief and sorrow wondering what he looked like and never had said goodbye just would have been so much more devasting to me . I know through my experience that talking about it and having that touch was more confirming fact of what had happen than not to have experienced it….. I think I would still be in a more grieving state and that I could not have handled as well.

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  22. Anna

    I know two women who have experienced the tragedy of stillbirth. One chose not to see or hold her baby. She is a close friend but we have never talked about her decision. It has been five years since she lost her little girl. I know she has photos the hospital took and I offered to see them but she ignored that question so I assume it was too painful. I know that she did not want to see them after the baby died, and I do not know if she has since.

    Recently my cousin also lost her son at 38 wks. She did see him and hold him after first not wanting to and says she is very glad she did. I have seen his photos as she needs and wants to share them. It is heartbreaking to see this beautiful boy that could not come home. She is pregnant now and terribly anxious. I have read a lot of blogs and websites for stillbirth parents to help support my friend and cousin, and most of the parents have seen and held their babies and have their photos, all of them seem to be very glad they could.

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    • Liz

      Hi Anna. Your cousin might want to look into renting a Dopler- heart rate monitor for home. I rented one from First Beats for the last 2 months of my pregnancy. I used it every day! Sometimes you just need a little reassurance.

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      • Anna

        Thanks Liz, she has one :) It freaks her out though when she can’t hear the heartbeat rightaway :( . Her baby is due in August. She got pregnant very soon after losing her son (about 6 wks later) so it is all very fresh and she is extremely afraid of it happening again.

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        • Anonymous

          I do know her fear. We also fell pregnant right after losing our first daughter. In fact we were given the exact same due date. In fact their birth dates ended up being 6 days apart. I went to emergency 4 times during my subsequent pregnancy to check that all was ok. And every time the midwifes were sensitive and understanding and gave me the reassurance I needed. My advice to anyone is go to the hospital if you EVER have any doubts. I sometimes wonder if my first daughter would have survived had I gone to hospital in the morning when I felt no movement, rather than waiting till the afternoon. Go to emergency a dozen times if that’s what you need to feel reassured. Ask for extra scans and monitoring. In my experience the hospital staff will do whatever it takes to allay your fears.

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  23. Mickie

    These photos make me cry each time they are posted here.
    One of my dearest friends, when I asked if there was anything i could do for her after she had to give birth to her son who had died 4 days beforehand, only asked that i it with her and let her show me the photos of her baby.
    As a 20 year old who had never had children or even been pregnant I found it difficult and confronting, but the look on her face as she shared her beautiful baby stays with me nearly 20 years later.

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    • Liz

      You are indeed a true friend Micki.

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    • Aimee

      Mickie,
      I don’t know if your friend has ever expressed how much that meant to her but I can tell you from experience that, as the mother of a stillborn child there were times when all I wanted to do was show my pictures of my son and shout to the world “I had a beautiful little boy, he was perfect in every way, he was real and I gave birth to him which was an amazing experience regardless of the final outcome”. Many people avoid seeing photos or make you feel awkward about showing them or sometimes even displaying them in your own home (even though he just looks like a sleeping baby as he was stillborn at 38 weeks). Thank you for not being one of those people.

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    • nat

      Mickie you are true friend x i am a mum to 1 baby boy lucas who was born sleeping @ 41wks & 5days gestation on 3rd june 2011 & i cherish the moments we spent with him hed him we also have lucas’s pics up in our lounge as do some of our family xxx

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  24. SMM

    When my first son Thomas was stillborn, I fell even more in love with him and with my husband. Thomas was wrapped up and I held him, and held him. We spent five hours looking at him, holding him, loving him, and crying for him. We looked at every millimetre of him, and he was perfect and beautiful in every way. Every part of him looked like either my husband or I. He was amazing. I had the absolute honour of delivering my baby boy, Thomas, who did not make it. All we could do now was love him, with broken hearts for what could have been. We left the hospital, and went back the next day to see him, as the midwives said that can help. We visited him each day till the day of his funeral.

    We had to have a funeral. We had it at home with our dog, and our parents. We could not bear the thought of having it in a church or a funeral home. I held Thomas the whole time, and everyone had a little cuddle as well and their chance to say goodbye.

    We did not invite anyone else as this was not like a normal funeral, which is more a celebration of the person’s life. This was no celebration. It was horrible and devastating. Visiting him each day in hospital helped us let go at the end when we had to lay him in his coffin. We chose to carry him to the funeral car together, and then he was taken away for good. But ever taken away from our hearts and thoughts.

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    • beth

      thank you for such a beautiful, thoughtful post. My love to you and your family x

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  25. Sophia's Dad

    My wife and I lost our gorgeous daughter Sophia Grace at Birth nearly 2 years ago. Initially I said no to seeing her but when my wife came out of Emergency we discussed it and Sophia was brought up to us. Over the next few days we were able to see her and hold her as often as we wanted and there is not a day that passes that I don’t treasure those moments. We had some photo’s with her and I was able dress her for her funeral and put in the handmade teddy I had bought for her. Special and unique, just like Sophia. Our family was also able to see and hold Sophia and I believe it helped them too. Last year we planted a gorgeous Magnolia tree in our front yard on her Birthday and I am going to honour her every year by doing something positive on June 7th. We were incredibly fortunate to have an amazing family and circle of friends support us through this time but also blessed to have the support of an amazing social worker who helped us every step of the way ( thanks Deb – you are forever in my heart ). I miss Sophia every single day however I feel blessed to have had that time with her.

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    • Liz

      Dear Sophia’s Dad. I am so very sorry that you (like me) have to live with this pain in your life. It is interesting to have a male respond to this story. Losing our baby very nearly split my partner and I up. He went straight back to work, we never talked about it, he never wanted to look at her photos, and I know that he was not there for me. But I also know that that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t hurting. And therein is the greatest tragedy of losing a baby. You come so far as to have a baby with someone, and just weeks later all you want to do is leave them.

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      • Sophia's Dad

        Hi Liz, in chatting with a few other Dads who have been through this they all responded differently. Some couples came closer, others struggled and some struggled after some time. One thing for sure is they all felt the greatest sadness but expressed it in their own way. I got huge help from some counselling in the weeks after we lost Sophia and it helped me get through a lot of the negative emotions ( i was so angry at the world ). I hope things are better for you now.

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  26. Liz

    Just 3 years ago, my first child died shortly before I delivered her at 38 weeks. I delivered her naturally but I chose not to see her or hold her. My mother and brother helped to bathe her and dress her because that is what they needed – stillborns “happen” to families, not just mothers. Only 3 days later did I go to the hospital for a quick glance as I was strongly advised to do so, I never touched her.

    I did take home the “book of keepsakes” put together by the hospital – which i very strongly suggest to anyone in this position – but I only ever looked at the images of her hands a couple of times in the months after her passing. I never showed another person and I have never looked since falling pregnant again.

    This research is very interesting as through counselling I met many people, and I think they were shocked at how I dealt with the birth. But I too am shocked at how some other people grieve, it is a very personal thing.

    I did what I did because it felt right for me. I wanted to enjoy my future children – I now have two daughters – and not have my mind filled with sad images and memories. I definitely think my subsequent pregnancies and births would have been far more difficult had I formed a bond with my first baby. And yes, my partner and I probably wouldn’t have made it.

    I do not acknowledge the anniversary of my first child’s death, it is just 3 days before my daughter birthday, that is what I celebrate.

    My firt born child will live forever in my heart, but carrying her, and feeling her move inside me were all the memories I needed.

    Her name is Wednesday.

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    • Kate G

      Bravo Liz. You are a strong woman.

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    • Kate G

      PS I struggle to know what to do with the photos of my son. I want to throw them out but I haven’t been able to do it yet. I just want him to be a precious memory but I can’t let go of the “stuff” just yet.

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      • Liz

        Hi Kate. Yes, I was going to respond to your story, it seems we have a similar way of dealing with our experience. I just bought a really nice box/chest with a lock and I put everything in it, the photos, the cards, the name tag. One day I will need to tell my daughters – thanks Aus Gov for printing Stillborn in the sibling section of my daughters’ birth certificates. I have no idea if/ how it will effect them, but I suppose there is a chance they might want to see the pictures. They are only 14 months apart, and I often consider this very lucky as i can tell them about Wednesday at the same time – not tell April and then have to wait years till her sister could understand. I figure they can talk about it together and decide what they want

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  27. Siobhan

    I have had nine pregnancy losses, including a stillbirth at twenty weeks. I gave birth to the baby I lost at twenty weeks, held him for about twelve hours, dressed him, had photos, hand and footprints taken, named him, and held a funeral for him. This loss was infinitely more traumatic and devastating than any of the earlier miscarriages I’ve experienced. I believe this was partly to do with the gestation at which he was lost (I had been feeling him kick for weeks, had a sizeable baby bump, and had seen him at several ultrasound scans), but mostly to do with the fact that I went through a 24 hour labour knowing that my baby was dying inside me, and the fact that seeing and holding him made the loss far less abstract and a lot more real.

    Despite the fact that my grief was immense and that I still grieve for the baby that I lost fifteen years ago, I am very glad that I was able to spend time with my baby, give him a name and hold a funeral for him, as it really helped me come to terms with my loss and put a name and face to my grief. Although it was harder, I also feel that it was very beneficial and I am very glad now that I have those memories and mementos. With the miscarriages I’ve experienced, there’s always the wondering about what the baby looked like, whether it was a boy or a girl etc.

    When I lost my son, it also helped that my closest friends and family members also saw him, as they were far better able to respond in a helpful and appropriate way. I think there is often an inclination for people to offer unhelpful advice after the loss of a baby – ‘at least you can get pregnant’, ‘you can always try again’ etc., but my friends really understood the gravity of the loss, I think, after they’d seen my baby or at least seen photos of him.

    The worst apart of my experience was that immediately after giving birth, when I was being taken in a wheelchair back to my room, I was given a blanket by one of the nurses and asked to cover my baby up so that I didn’t upset the other mothers in the postnatal ward – the mothers who’d recently given birth to perfectly healthy, live babies…

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    • Tara

      I am so, so, so sorry for your loss! *hugs* xx

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      • Siobhan

        Thanks so much Tara. xxx

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  28. Kate G

    Yep. I’m a card-carrying member of the dead baby club! I know that sounds awful but its the gallows humour i have developed over the years to cope with the loss and grief.

    After the birth I told them I didn’t want to see him but later I changed my mind and they brought him back. I didn’t hold him at the hospital, I just held his hand. That was the moment I remember… That tiny little hand almost closing around my finger. I held him at the funeral (which was attended by me and his dad only) and he was so light and looked so awful that I regret it ever so slightly. I should have just let him go peacefully without trying to nurse him.

    Anyway. I don’t think it matters much what you do in those first days. You can’t prepare yourself for the horror of it all. The experience itself is enough to cause PTSD. I doubt whether holding the baby aggravates it much.

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  29. Katie

    My second daughter was stillborn at 22 weeks in January last year.

    We were asked if we wanted to see her and our reply was “of course”.
    We were warned that it could be quite traumatic because at 22 weeks the skin is still translucent and the birth causes a lot of bruising so she came out with giant purple bruises all over her little body.
    We were prepared for her to look like that but I know that my parents and my husbands parents (who came to visit her) found it quite confronting.

    We were also told that she could be kept in the room with us after the birth while I was still in hospital. I remember thinking “How morbid.. who would want a dead baby kept with them?” but after she was born I didn’t want her to leave my side.. she was still my little baby after all and the thought of her lying in a cold morgue in the basement of the hospital was heartbreaking.

    The worst thing is that I was put into the post-natal ward and had to listen to all the lovely cries of other newborn babies while my baby lay life-less next to me.
    At first I thought that I would never be able to go home.. I would never be able to say goodbye to my little girl but after 3 days her body had grown so cold and stiff, it was the most heartbreaking thing in the world.
    We decided it was time to say goodbye.. leaving the hospital empty handed was the worst day of my life.

    I am now 23 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child..

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    • Anon

      Best wishes to you and yours Katie.

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    • Charlotte

      So sorry for your loss, heartbreaking. Wishing you & your family many blessings.

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    • Anonymous

      So very very sad. I cant imagine your pain… I honestly don’t think I could go on. I have been grumpy at my babes all day when really I should be so grateful xx
      xx

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    • Kate G

      Good luck Katie. Sorry to hear about your little one last year. Much love.

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  30. speccygirl

    sounds crazy but I had a blighted ovum in 2010 (basically pregnancy develops but there is nothing in the womb) and lost the pregnancy at a public hospital- the staff really respected the time I wanted to spend with what, until that day, I had believed was my child. I know it sounds gross – but it meant the world to me to have that hour or two with it and say goodbye (at the time they were trying to make a decision about me having a d and c which we didn’t end up having). I really appreciate that.

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    • speccygirl

      sorry I hope I didn’t gross anyone out – I just think it helped me with accepting the miscarriage

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      • Siobhan

        Not gross at all. I completely understand, having had a blighted ovum pregnancy myself two years ago. You are grieving for the child you imagined you were carrying – the loss of a dream.

        Like so many medical terms, I’ve always thought that the term ‘blighted ovum’ is pretty heartless and cold…

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        • Just M

          Medical terms can be very cold.
          After having 12 miscarriages I gave birth to my 1st child. I was shattered when I read my discharge papers & neatly listed was the dates of each miscarriage & the words spontaneous abortion.

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          • timelady

            yes, five out if my ten pregnancies were lost babies, one halfway through, one at 14 weeks, the rest were ‘spontaneous abortion’. that hurt.
            and i do support women’s rights to abortion, every damn time. but the wording felt like a cruel choice, when i had none.
            also, i remain outraged my tragedies, which resulted in d&c’s (my body would not let go easily, so i ended up having 8 d&c’s in total over time) count towards abortion statistics. they are, after all, the same procedure. the anti abortion crowd seize those stats to try to deny women the right to safe abortion. my tragedy should never be fodder for them to deny women their much needed rights to choose something so often equally painful.

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      • jetmum

        speccygirl, don’t ever apologise for following your heart & being brave enough to do what felt right for you & for your lost baby.

        A loss is a loss, no matter what stage of the pregnancy you are at & you are as entitled as anyone to grieve in your own way.

        (((hugs)))

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  31. Anon

    The worst day of my lifw was the day that my 3rd son was born and died. I held him for his entire life.

    I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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  32. passer by

    Those who talk about babies “born sleeping”, please, those euphemisms do not help. The baby is dead, it actually helps people accept these things by using real language. “I’m sorry your baby has died” is much better than the other language. Normal babies sleep, these parents have a dead baby. He or she is also not “lost”.

    I have worked in hospitals where photos are taken and other keepsakes made like footprints. If parents don’t want them or can’t bear to hold or look at the baby at the time, they are kept for years. Sometimes people come back for them. Maybe that helps too with grieving and accepting.

    Thanks for an interesting article.

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    • Anon

      I agree, my son was not quite stillborn, he died about an hour after he was born.

      I think that the silly euphemism’s come from people not knowing how to deal with it, or they simply don’t know what to say to the parents.

      The sad, sad fact is that my son died, and I’d really appreciate people, including my family, acknowledging that he did live for a little while before he died.

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    • Ana

      I so agree – and a lot of people who haven’t been through the journey of still birth haven’t heard the language. My heart still stops when I get texts announcing the birth of a baby ‘So-and-so was born to day blah blah blah and currently sleeping like a baby’. I can’t read it right – I always read ‘born sleeping’. Just say stillborn. Also, just say died, not ‘sleeping’ for adults when they’ve died.

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    • Kris2040

      As I mentioned below, I have friends who have had stillborn babies. They (like I did below) use both terms. I’ll follow their lead, if that’s OK with you.

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    • jetmum

      I understand that everyone’s experience & perception is different, but from my personal perspective I prefer to describe my son as having been born sleeping, rather then stillborn.

      Somehow it makes it sound more peaceful, as he truly did drift off to sleep in my womb just prior to delivery (I was hooked up to CTG monitors & we watched his heartbeat slow down & stop as he slipped gently away).

      Everyone is different & I think we need to be careful of making generalisations about what terms bereaved parents prefer to hear. Much better to follow their lead.

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      • nat

        Jetmum i agree the term stillborn is so cold born sleeping is so much nicer to say about our babies xxx

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    • Nadine

      Some (many actually) parents use and prefer that term.

      If they want to use that then I am happy to as well.

      You may not like it but many do. It’s their loss, they can use whatever terminology they want.

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    • Nat

      I say my son was stillborn (27/11/2012) if i ever have to clarify but chose to have the euphemism ‘born sleeping’ used in my son’s funeral service as I just plain preferred it for that purpose.

      It’s not like anyone at the funeral (including my partner and i) was unable to accept it, we were all very aware he was dead.

      End of rant

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  33. Linda

    These photographs are truly, truly beautiful. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to bring in a photographer at this unbelievably sad time. But from an outsider looking in, they brought a tear to my eyes.

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    • Anon

      Linda, it’s no harder than asking for a priest to have the child baptised, or going home to tell the other kids that their brother had died.

      They are all rotten things to do. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be done though.

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      • Anonymous

        I don’t think she was suggesting that they shouldn’t have been?

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        • Anon

          I did get that.

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        • Anonymous

          Agree. “Must have been hard” does not equal “shouldn’t have been done.”

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  34. mel

    I can imagine nothing more traumatic than losing a baby, other than then having someone come in and tell you how they think you should be greiving and what they think you should do next. Are people really that callous??? If an older family member passes on you are given time to spend with them, why not extend the same courtesy to someone on the worst day of their life. For those of you who have lost a baby, my heart goes out to you.

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  35. Monique

    My first baby son William was stillborn, I did get to hold him lying next to me as I was very ill. I am grateful that I got to hold him, my only wish is that I wasn’t so sick so that I could have held him properly and for longer.

    Of course when you have had a stillborn baby, you could have anxiety in your next pregnancy because of the fear that your baby may die again….

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  36. Kate

    My aunt gave birth to a stillborn baby years ago and her sister forced her to nurse the child – against her will – after he was born. She’s since ceased contact with that sister because she found the experience so traumatic.

    I think any contact with a stillborn baby should be a completely personal choice. Some mothers don’t feel comfortable with it, others feel they need to do it.

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  37. Keels

    Prior to being induced I was asked if I wanted to see my son or not. I advised them we did not want to see him. I was scared to death, It was my first pregnancy and due to the multiple abnormalities with him I was quite scared. When I was pushing him out 24 hours later my natural instinct was to reach down and grab him. He was only 19 weeks when he was born and passed away. I just cuddled him. I felt I wasn’t given enough time with him though by the hospital, they seemed to rush him off. I didn’t know what was right or what was not right in that situation. I only wish I had more time with him. I am so very thankful I did hold him and look at him.

    I guess it is an individual decision for each person to make. I do know people who have chosen not to hold their babies for whatever reason.

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  38. Anonymous

    My son was stillborn at 21 weeks. My husband and I spent the next 18 hours cuddling our baby while we cried, talked and slept. It was the best decision for us. I still treasure those hours together. I expect our next pregnancy will be traumatic but that won’t be because we cuddled our baby, it will be the awareness that bad things can happen to us. I wish I had known about heartfelt when I had my son. I would have loved those photos.

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    • Liz

      Subsequent pregnancies are impossibly traumatic. I recommend to all to hire a heart rate monitor that you and your partner can easily use at home – First Beats is the company. After losing Wednesday, and falling pregnant again I was listening for my babies heart at least once a day in the final weeks. You can’t anticipate the anxiety that you experience in the lead up to the birth. At 38 weeks, when my first baby passed, they offered to induce me but I declined. Somehow, getting passed that dreaded day, it became easier. My daughter April arrived safely just 6 days later.

      You can become whole again after losing a baby.

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  39. Seahorse

    Is it arguing semantics to talk about “degrees” of trauma where stillbirth is concerned? It would be your own personal hell either way surely? Can they really argue it would be SIGNIFICANTLY better not to hold? Seems mental.

    There but for the grace of God go we (and our babies). 30wks pregnant and streams of tears reading this.

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    • Jay

      I hear what you are saying but my reading on the topic says that the experience, as with miscarriage is highly subjective. Onlookers have a tendency to put the experiences on a trauma scale in terms of expectations…say starting with 6week miscarriage to mother with plenty of older children at one end and stillbirths at the other. From what I have read humans don’t respond that way. Similarly, it doesn’t make sense to have a one size fits all protocol to parents of still born babies.

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  40. Anonymous

    My mother lost 3 babies over the years. Two were still born and she had to go through labour with one. She never saw or held any of the babies and she’s never had any regrets about it. It’s a very personal decision and one I’ll never need to make (I can’t have children) I think that this research would be interesting, although it still should be a personal decision

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  41. Katmag

    Our daughter Audrey, tried to breath for about 5 minutes when she was born at 21 weeks ( the death certificate says 7 minutes). I think it is a choice that individual parents make. For me holding her was all I wanted to do, I wrapped her up and spent the day holding her looking out the window at the sunshine and butterflies, held her whilst I read the Saturday paper and a book and marvelled at her perfect golden eyelashes and tiny ears. The trauma for me was not holding her but rather in letting her go, I wanted to keep her forever. Although she was disfigured facially I decided that my other children would get to see and hold their sister, 3 months down the track it doesnt seem that any of them have been traumatized by this. I feel glad that all of this could happen, when one of my aunts had a stillbirth 40 odd years ago the baby was just taken away and the obstetrician just told her was very deformed.
    It’s not surprising that this study found people are more anxious in subsequent pregnancies, for those who have had a still birth at full term I would imagine that anxiety would not recede until you heard a screaming baby as other posts have suggested.
    I am also very lucky that thanks to Heartfelt I have the most wonderful pictures that I treasure

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  42. mamaofhope

    That’s my daughter Hope in pictures three and four in the gallery. As you can see, we held her after she was stillborn at 40+ weeks after a perfectly healthy pregnancy. She was our first baby. She would have been four this August.
    Like Steph below, I wasn’t sure if we wanted to hold or see Hope as I laboured with her, knowing she had already passed inside of me earlier in my labour. I was afraid. But thankfully, the staff gently pushed me to reconsider. But like Steph said, once she was out it was a no-brainer and I practically snatched her from the obstetrician and pulled her up on to my chest. I held her for a long time. My husband held her, my parents held her, my in laws held her, my siblings and their partners held her. No one has any regrets.
    We were also lucky enough to have Gavin from Heartfelt come in to take pictures, though the hospital never let us know about this. Lucky a friend knew about them. I’d be lost without those photos.
    My husband bathed and dressed her and we kept her with us in the room overnight, before walking out of that hospital 21 hours later, with empty arms and broken hearts.
    I agree it should be the parents’ choice whether they hold their stillborn child, but I also think that medical professionals should continue to encourage the practice, because we’ve come an awful long way from the practices of just a few decades ago when stillborn babies were whisked away without being seen, let alone held.
    My neighbour two doors down told us after we lost Hope that she had also lost a baby girl at full term, some 40 years earlier. She never got to see or hold her baby and only found out on the sly that she was a girl. She pines for that little girl to this day and has so much unresolved grief.
    The way this story was reported in the press yesterday was so disappointing, as no opinions were sought from anyone with any authority to speak on this issue, so I’m glad mamamia contacted Emma McLeod today.
    My one wish, almost four years on, is that I spent more time holding Hope, and more time trying to make memories with her, despite the fact I am one of the “lucky” ones when it comes to a situation like this.
    And while I was a ball of stress, fear, anxiety and terror for 38 weeks in my next two pregnancies, that had nothing to do with the fact I held Hope’s precious little 8 pound body, it was because she died and I was so afraid it would happen to me, or one of my babies, again.

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  43. Julie

    I did not get to hold my Stillborn baby girl my husband did not want me to. 1 year later he left we have divorced and now 9 years later I sometimes wish I had just had that little hold. My next birth with my new husband was traumatic and brought back all the memories I don’t think I ever had closure. I have moved on and have a wonderful family now but It should just be up to the individual and how they feel at the time.

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  44. Anonymous

    I think this decision needs to be left with the individual – the mother and father of the baby must be left to make the final decision but they should be guided by the doctor and nursing staff at the hospital.
    When no heartbeat was found at our 20 week scan I was advised not to hold the baby or even see him. My doctor was concerned that as the baby had been dead for at least three weeks, determined by the measurements of legs and arms that they took, there would be decomposition and this would be even more traumatic than it already was.
    To this day I have mixed feelings about this. I absolutely trusted my doctor and know that he had my best interests at heart in his advice and we followed it in making our decision. But when I see photos like these in the gallery I do wonder what my baby would have looked like.
    I think we did the right thing, at the time (just over 5 years ago now) I was an absolute mess. But it is not something I will ever be over and at peace with.

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    • Lilacwine

      I’m very sorry for your loss

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      • Anonymous

        thankyou for saying this
        people rarely say it to me anymore as it has been ‘so long’
        I was actually daring starting to think that I was dealing with it all a bit better just this year – having recently had the five year anniversary of his stillbirth.
        But reading this article and all the comments has had me very upset all day – but its not something I shy away from at all. It is grief. It is normal and is a process. Its not something you ever get over. Its something you have to live with in your life – sometimes it is at the front of your every conscious thought, other times I can go days without even thinking of him. Then I will have something trigger the memory and I am right back on that day when I was told at the ultrasound and the absolute nightmare that the one moment unleashed is back with me and I relive everything that happened.
        And I wonder if I should have seen him. Held him. Taken a photo to remember.

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  45. Amandarose

    I would guess they way society view still birth has changed in general. people feel more connected to their unborn babies now- We have ultrasounds and a much greater expectation they will be born alive due to technology so we can afford to be more emotionally invested.

    back when babies died more frequently I would hazard people were more cautious of this happening.

    This is why I think this research may be outdated and not relevant for today’s mothers.

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  46. beee

    I think they probably would have higher levels of emotions etc because they have actually held and had contact with the baby. Having said that I think it’s an important part of remembering the child and part of the healing process.

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  47. Amandarose

    My Grandmother had 5 still births and describes the babies as “things”. People didn’t acknowledge they were people back then in the 30′s and 40′s and rushed them alway without a look.

    Not sure if it helped her cope not thinking of them as people or not. I can see why seeing them as real people may be easier to take emotionally and it makes sense but I also know if it that place I would want the cuddle and to see my baby.

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  48. Rudge

    That photo gallery is so moving – puts everything in perspective.

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  49. Wife

    I couldn’t imagine not spending the time with our son that we did.
    Thankfully we weren’t rushed as we were in a private hospital and it was a quiet morning. My husband even got to take him out of the delivery suite and down to a window to show him the sun and have it shine on his face :)
    We were also given the option to see/hold him again if we wanted any time during my hospital stay, but I chose to say my goodbyes then.
    We would have had atleast an hour with him I’d say.
    To get just one more hold……… I’d rather have live with that thought than wishing I’d had just one……..

    I so wish I was aware of Gavin and Heartfelt a few years ago.

    My sister was there with us and although she hadn’t had a stillborn son, she did have a son when she was younger many moons ago. She was able to hold him and spend time with him while still in hospital (she was “hidden” in Boothville for a few weeks in the late 80′s) but she too said holding him was priceless.

    Sad yes, but I’m laughing at myself now pitcuring the face I’m pulling while trying not to cry here at my desk at work! ;)

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    • Anonymous

      the image of the sun shining on your baby’s face is just beautiful

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    • Julie

      How true that was beautiful that your baby had the sun shining on his face. I saw my baby she was 39 weeks but when I saw her she had been moved into a storage cupboard of all places. I always wish I had had that one hold. Every year I celebrate her over the top on her birthday boat rides. plane rides on top of a mountain overlooking the sea and always releasing baloons. Her middle name was SUNSHINE because I had wished at the time that she would have seen the sun shine. I love that your little man had it warm his face.

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  50. Happymum

    Yes, I held a stillborn baby.

    My niece was stillborn 2 years ago. It was horrific and my husband didn’t want to see the baby. He was really squeamish and only wanted to see his sister after her baby died. I gently nudged him to see his sister and her baby as it was what she wanted. He still thinks that seeing and holding the baby somehow makes things worse.

    I don’t know, but I think it is better to hold the baby and to get the family involved. Afterall, it is still a member of the family and an important one too. The Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles need to meet the baby as it cements the bond to this baby and then it is through this that the parents can talk to the relatives about their baby much easier. I think it is easier if everyone can speak of her, and drop her into the conversation at times. Rather than skipping around it as if it were an unfortunate incident that no-one talks about – lest the tears flow too much.

    I don’t know what the answer is, I think it is traumatic either way. At least if you spent the time with the baby after the birth you aren’t wondering as much and the photos are precious to the parent for when they want to remember their beautiful child.

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