by REBECCA SPARROW
Over the past 20 years they were my go-to girls: Bridget Jones. Carrie Bradshaw. Mary Tyler Moore. Murphy Brown.
Strong, independent, fiesty, hilarious, loyal, career-driven and most importantly single women who taught me there’s more to life than having a husband; that being single in your 30s and yes, even 40s was ‘okay’. Hell, it was exhilerating. Why settle for Mr Nearly Right when life could be full to bursting with girlfriends, hook-ups, blind dates, cocktails, dinner parties and the snakes and ladders game of career fulfillment?
It was an intoxicating and very welcome message for any woman over 30 who was spending her Friday nights alone on the couch eating weetbix while she watched Australian Idol. Or maybe that was just me. But in the year I turned 32, my boxed set of the Mary Tyler Moore show gave me a raison d’etre.
I was single, a writer and living alone in a shoebox studio apartment in the inner city. And Mary Richard’s refusal to apologise to the world for being single and loving her career did more for my self-worth than any Anthony Robbins lecture ever could. If I could have left the house in a beret every morning, I would’ve.
But the question is, did Mary and Carrie and Bridget and Murphy sell us a lie?
That’s what British journalist Claudia Connell is asking. And let me tell you, if you’re single and over 35, Connell’s column in the Mail Online is the equivalent of a sucker-punch. At 46, Connell is single and feels like her fictional heroines of Carrie and Bridget let her down.Or, more to the point, left her at the party while they went on to have a life.
Claudia Connell.
I was part of the Sex And The City generation — successful, feisty women who made their own money, answered to no one and lived life to the full. When it came to men, our attitude to them was the same as it was towards the latest must-have handbag: only the best would do, no compromises should be made, and even then it would be quickly tired of and cast aside.
What none of us spent too long thinking about in our 20s and 30s was how our lifestyles would impact on us once we reached middle-age, when we didn’t want to go out and get sozzled on cocktails and had replaced our stilettos and skinny jeans with flat shoes and elasticated waists.
When I look around at all my single friends — and there are a lot of them — not one of them is truly happy being on her own. Suddenly, all those women we pitied for giving up their freedom for marriage and children are the ones feeling sorry for us.
Freedom is great when you can exploit it; but when you have so much that you don’t know what to do with it, then it all becomes a little pointless.
Connell goes on to talk about the mistakes she made following dating advice guides like The
Rules which operate on an assumption that men will always be knocking on your door. And how any woman over 45 on a dating site is about as welcome as a parking ticket. But it was Connell’s closing words that left me thinking …
The brutal reality remains, however, that Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones — our fictional, singleton poster girls — ended up living happily ever after. Even the writers behind those characters couldn’t accept that they’d be happy to stay single for ever — which does make me feel a little cheated.
Carrie and Bridget were lucky. The same can’t be said for the millions of women, like me, who were so inspired by them.
Murphy Brown was smart and single.
Big, Mary ended her series single but in a reunion episode the writers had her married to a New York Senator. And as for Murphy? She found the ultimate cure for loneliness by becoming a single mother.
Comments
224 Comments so far
“is it all Carrie’s fault?!” remember, while SJP was playing this heroine of single ladies, she was married (and was pregnant in one of the seasons, all covered by good camera angles). Just seems a bit ironic to me.
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I am not the type to comment usually but I have found many of the posts on the article to be quite upsetting. I’m at a loss as to why women take such corrosive attitudes on both sides of the coupled/single debate.
There is intense pressure on women to find themselves partners, with the implication that if you don’t have a partner, you’ll find yourself washed up, dried out and deeply bitter about the joys you’ve missed out on.
In fact, unless you have a deeply flawed personality, which most women don’t have, finding the right partner is just simply quite difficult. Not impossible at all, but it takes time, and as the enlightened women out there will know, this is time worth taking. Anyone who has been in a relationship with the wrong person knows that keenly.
What I find upsetting is that many women seem to feel the need to attack one another about their relationship status. In forums like mamamia, the pattern seems to be that (some) women in relationships arrogantly declare that singletons will be alone and bitter in their forties, while (some) single women imply that coupledom is dull and limiting. Clearly neither position reflects the rich array of experiences that women have.
The worst part for me though is that, with the divorce rate so high, many of the women in relationships now will at some point be single again. Similarly, steadfastly single women will most likely end up in a relationship again at some point. But the corrosive judgement that comes from both sides makes it very difficult, especially for single women, to feel happy with their circumstances.
The fact is, whether or not you are in a relationship shouldn’t ever define who you are. And women should support each other in whatever situation they and their peers find themselves in, rather than subjecting each other to judgment, which in the end just devalues us all.
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Well said!
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It bothers me that so many people reduce being single or partnered, parents or childless, to a clear cut choice. Or attribute it to fictional tv characters. People are complex beings – lots of choices and experiences add up to make us the people we are. It upsets me to think that people would think that I must have made a conscious to choice to still be single and childless at 32 or that there must just be something wrong with me. It has taken me a long time to build up confidence and become happier with who I am – and there are probably lots of reasons why I am in the circumstance I’m in. But that doesn’t give anyone else the right to judge the way I have lived my life. There are lots of people who just got lucky, or (the opposite of me) just never had the tools to be happily on their own. It doesn’t mean either of us made better choices than the other, or that we necessarily made conscious choices to lead us to where we are.
I would like very much to meet my match and have children, but I also don’t want to listen to women harp on about how children and marriage has completed them and how children are their best achievement and how anyone who doesn’t have children are truly missing out – it is people carrying on like that which makes it harder for single women to be happy. The pressure is immense. But there is more to me, and more to life, than whether or not I get married and have children, and it is only “smug-marrieds” to quote Bridget Jones, that make many single women (and men) feel otherwise in my opinion.
http://lucindainthesky.blogspot.com.au/2012/09/32-single-childless.html
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I think it comes down to expectations …..they have to be realistic, single or otherwise.
No one is perfect, we are all inherently flawed.
There is no ‘Mr 100% Right’ out there – all married folk realise this and yes, they make compromises. Not all of the time, but some of the time.
It’s also nice knowing that someone else in your life shares your common goals and supports you in reaching them.
Parents also know that having children is not always ‘ponies and rainbows’ – there are sleepless nights, public tantrums and vomit (by gosh, do I hate the vomit).
On the other hand, single people are not always deliriously happy with their lives and/or their choices. You can get lonely. Your friends are not always available to hang out. You put in lots of extra hours because you have them – you are only cooking, cleaning and washing for one person. There are no little people you need to rush off and pick up from school or childcare.
And, please don’t act that you are sooooooo glad that you didn’t get married and have children, it’s kinda insulting to people who have.
People need to be accountable for their own decisions on how their life turns out, not third parties (e.g. your mother, your ex, etc) and especially not TV shows!
If you are married or single, own your choices. If you are not happy with your situation, do something about it.
If you state that your are happy with your current choices, but not convincing yourself, please don’t tell me about your regrets in the distant future, like ‘I regret not having children’ or ‘I regret not marrying MrX’ or ‘I regret with staying with my husband all those years’.
P.S. I have yet to hear of anyone say on their deathbed ‘gee, I had a great career, all those extra hours at the office were worth it’. No, normally these people want to be surrounded by their loved ones, errh, like their spouse and their children.
P.S.S. Rant over and yes, I have a sister who ‘chooses’ to be single. When one of my kids has a tanty she points and says ‘this is why I won’t be having any children’. She has yet to find anyone who fits her checklist of expectations, and I doubt she ever will.
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I agree with the other posters here that Carrie from SATC is annoying and whiny. Remember the ep where she was practically self-flagellating because she farted in front of Big? She was analysing and re-analysing the implications of having farted near him, and was this why he hadn’t called all week. Miranda finally blew her cool and said, ‘Will you get over it? It wasn’t the fucking fart!’ And speaking of Big, how obnoxious a wanker was he?
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I feel not pity for Claudia’s predicament. Her choices got her where she is today.
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Your article implies that single women in their 30s and 40s took the decision to be single BECAUSE of these fictional characters. Let’s get real here.
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If women are inspired by fictional characters when there are so many real women who are truly inspirational then all you are doing is confirming that women are shallow.
Sorry to be abrupt, but it’s just absurd to be inspired by someone who doesn’t exist, and it demeans real women like Marie Curie, Maggie Thatcher, Hilary Clinton, Benizir Bhutto, Helen Keller and so many other remarkable women.
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It’s all about choices and the consequences of those choices.
It’s fine to have a career, and the latest handbag, shoes and as many deep and meaningful 2 week relationships as you like and feel empowered and successful. Denying babies is fine until the choice to have babies is taken away by nature, then the regrets start. I know some women don’t ever regret not having children, but they are in the minority so don’t bother giving me examples of someone you know being happy. It’s a myth and it’s almost like anyone who tries to speak of the myth of not being a mother being unfavourable is shouted down as being sexist.
Then there’s the 40 year old women who do have their first child out of desperation before they hit menopause, the women who have been in control of every aspect of their lives for their entire adulthood suddenly can’t even choose when they sleep, these are the women who suffer extreme depression and many end up in psych wards in a real mess (yes, I do know about it), or if they don’t end up in hospital they present at Accident and Emergency departments in a real mess as they simply can’t cope.
So have your career, your handbags and other flippant and unimportant items, but don’t complain in 15 years when it all goes pear shaped because you don’t have a “suitable” partner (forgetting that you may be just as unsuitable), menopause hits early or you simply can’t conceive.
All women have choices, that is what equality is about, so make your choices but be aware that your choices may have consequences so far reaching they will completely usurp your need as a 20 something yo to find yourself backpacking in Turkey
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I’d like to see some research to make up your theory that 40 year old mothers are the women “who suffer extreme depression and many end up in psych wards in a real mess (yes, I do know about it), or if they don’t end up in hospital they present at Accident and Emergency departments in a real mess as they simply can’t cope.”
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It’s not a theory, it’s from what my wife told me when she was a triage nurse at a major A&E dept. These women were as common as OD patients.
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Really? Well I’ve worked in emergency for over five years and I am yet to see this. I think it’s a ridiculous statement to make. Totally false.
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Well I have worked in a psych ward and I know plenty of women in there. Not for having a child but rather the empty cradle .
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Well said! I agree with all you have said anon.
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Really?
It is possible to have a fulfilling life without children. And I think it is a bit absurd to think that all childless women have made a choice of career and handbags over children. We don’t all fit into the neat little boxes your comment suggests.
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She obviously wasn’t watching SATC that closely – the women made compromises (remember Charlotte converting?) and, in fact, seemed to spend far too much time trying to find a man and agonising over men. In any event, I don’t see men being berated in the media for failing to compromise or casting aside women they tire of.
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She obviously wasn’t watching SATC that closely. Compromises were made (remember Charlotte converted) and men weren’t tired of and cast aside (except for by Samantha!) – rather, it seemed, too many hours were spent trying to find a man and agonising over men. In any event, I don’t see men being berated in the media for being unwilling to compromise and casting aside women they tire of.
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This “debate” has really bothered me – and I couldn’t work out why. I mean, not the “Is a tv show to blame for my life” bit – in my mind, blaming a fictional character for your life is just silly. It was more the neverending debate that so often comes up amongst women – “Should I have gone a different way in life, should I have got married/had kids, would I have been happier” etc etc.
Then it hit me – I’m annoyed at the way the world has turned out. Women of previous generations fought so hard so that we could have choices – and now that we have them, all we seem to do is judge others for making a choice that is different to ours.
Single vs partnered/married. Married with kids vs married without kids. Working mum vs stayathome mum. It never stops! Surely we should be verbally highfiving each other over the fact that we now have all of these great choices available to us and can choose our own paths in life. So youre single and enjoying it? Fantastic, isn’t it great you’re able to be employed and own property now, and not have to rely on a man for your welfare! Married? Woohoo, isnt it great you can choose who you marry and not be pressured into it by family! Got kids? Wonderful, isn’t it great you have a choice as to whether to stay home or work! Yay!!
But a large percentage of women don’t do this. They constantly question their own choices, they snarkily attack other women’s choices, and “worry” that other women are unhappy because their lives are different (usually due to that person not following the “meet a handsome prince and live happily ever after” pattern). Really? After all this time, this is what it boils down to?
Bec asked the question as to why female characters get paired off in film/tv and male characters don’t. Well, it’s definitely a chicken-or-the-egg scenario (life imitating art or art imitating life) but maybe it’s because so many women still believe that we are defined by our relationships (or lack thereof). Men don’t really tend do that. They don’t usually see relationships as a “goal” and, by and large, they don’t tend attack the choices of other guys in the way that many women do.
Now, I think society has a LOT to answer for in this (fairytales anyone?), and obviously the fellas have had many choices at their fingertips for longer than the ladies have. But I do believe that until we have true acceptance within our own ranks as to women having different choices, this cookie-cutter mentality of “every woman will be happy married with babies” will never really change.
It pisses me off, quite frankly. And so, given that I can’t control the world, only my own actions, I hereby pledge to NEVER make another woman feel uncomfortable about a life choice she has made (cue inspirational music). I will not ask a single woman “So why are you STILL single?” and make her feel like a freak for not having a boyfriend or a rock on her finger. I will not imply a married woman is boring or has “missed out” because she didn’t have ten million boyfriends before finding her life partner. I will not imply that a working mum is abandoning her children and I will not imply that a stay-at-home mum has no life. No. I am taking a stand!
Who’s with meeee????
(shuffles off soapbox) That’s my two cents anyway. Over and out
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You said it!
So with you on this!
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I’m with you. Great comment.
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Count me in!
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far out. you said it sister! thanks for articulating what I couldnt. x
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My advice to young women would just be to not let society pressure you into marriage if it’s not what you want. My boss is 48, single, and honestly, I don’t live her life but she always seems extremely happy.
I got married last year at 29. My friends started getting married at 19, and a decade later when I made it down the aisle I felt like the “last single woman alive.” Now that I’m married I love it, but I realize now that a lot of my sweat and worrying was completely unfounded.
I think our patriarchal society has instilled it into us that “the first woman married (ie. chosen by a man) is the best and the last is the worst” but come on girls, we know that isn’t true!!
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Does anyone seriously set out to be single or set out to be married? Or do we all just see what happens? I am single but if someone comes along who I’d like to marry then I’ll be married. If they don’t then I’ll be single.
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I loved the show for some light hearted escapism, and not that I ever took it that seriously, but I can see the authors point. I thought sometimes the girls were extremely picky about men and often dumped guys or ruled them out for stupid reasons. I’m not saying that women should just settle for anyone, but realistically, it’s very unlikely most of us will meet someone who is entirely perfect.
My husband was the opposite of everything I thought I wanted when I met him, he had no financial security, no long-term career plan and we had grown up in entirely different backgrounds. He also happened to be the kindest and most honest man I’d ever met, with strong family values and morals. I may not have had a diamond engagement ring and we started with absolutely nothing in terms of finances, but that has come with time and I have been blessed with a lovely husband.
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Well, if you’re calling BS on Sex and the City, I am calling BS on you.
(The above is not directed at MM, by the way.)
Choice means you can be single and revel in freedom. Not necessarily freedom to sleep with countless partners (but, hey, if that rocks your boat, go for it), or drink cocktails every weekend night or even be fashion forward. Just freedom to be you, do whatever you feel like because 1. You can, and 2. It makes you happy.
Not every single woman bases her life on TV characters or pop culture, even if she loves those characters.
I am single, I don’t drink, I buy most of my clothes at sales, I don’t sleep around, I own my own place, I live for weekends where the hours stretch ahead with promise in every second and I get to decide who and what those hours hold.
I never have enough time to do all the things I want to do. I never get lonely. I’m never bored.
Whomever said that ‘too much freedom’ is pointless does NOT know how to live. We don’t all fall neatly into boxes. I don’t do well in cages.
Just like choosing to have a car, a pet, a house, a man, kids, a pool etc. each has its own responsibilities, so being single is a choice for many, with its own pros and cons …AND responsibilities to make yourself happy by making your choice work for you. Being single is not for everyone (neither is marriage and kids), but just ’cause YOU fail to see the validity or point of certain life choice, doesn’t make it any less rewarding to those who choose it consciously.
At the end of the day, there is ONE voice I model my life on – my own.
Take that society
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Great comment!!!
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*standing ovation*
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The reason the women on SATC were single for so long wasn’t because they ‘wouldn’t settle’ but because they were annoying, vaccuous, self centered, and didn’t seem to have a clue about the world past their high fashion shoes. They seemed to expect perfection in the men but didn’t seem to think they weren’t so perfect themselves. Why would anyone look up to them?
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Love it!
And so true! Carrie was so annoying and flakey. Samantha was a tart. The other 2 were ok but still expected perfection when they couldnt offer that themselves.
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The other 2 were neurotic
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I think that holding out for “the best” isn’t just about being selfish – it’s about not wanting to do a disservice to yourself or the partner you don’t quite love enough. I loved my ex to bits and think he’s an incredibly kind, handsome, generous, gentle, funny, sexy man – but I don’t love him as much as I loved my previous ex. I ADORED my previous ex and we were obsessed with each other, whereas with my ex I just loved him and respected him quietly. I know he would have married me (and still would) – but he deserves someone who doesn’t think of him as second prize.
I might end up regreting it when I’m 43 and still looking – but I can only make the best decision I can now, with the knowledge I have now.
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If your previous ex was so adored and you were both so obsessed with each other, why is he your ex?
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It lasted nearly a decade, then he wanted a break as we’d been together since we were very young. We never got back together…but it isn’t my choice he’s still my ex!
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Alice you have to move forward, dont look back. If he wants you he will come and get you. Otherwise be happy with your present and look forward to the future.
I have an ex from over 20 years ago whose photos still give me shivers. When I google him and see his recent photos my heart skips a beat. But he is not my reality. I was 19 and he was 25 and it was never going to work but he still has a place in my heart. But my reality is a wonderful life with someone better who deserves me. My ex doesnt deserve me. Find someone who deserves you!
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Bridget Jones is just downright annoying.
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Yep, I feel ripped off. I’m 30, my friends are married or about to get married and I feel left out of it all :/ being single is fun when you have other people to be single with, not when you are the last one
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Hi mm, My comments gone missing here too. I haven’t said anything remotely offensive. cheers
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Hi PennyPacker, I’ll go searching through the spam folder. Stay tuned. xxx
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I haven’t been able to post few a few months…
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Really? GAH! Guys, let me find out what the problem is.
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If people think Sex and the City and Bridget Jones was all about being single and happy then they have sadly missed the message….especially SITC. The show was about not settling, not feeling pressured to get married to just anyone out of fear of being single and holding out for someone you really loved, even if it took you till you were in your 40s or 50s. The characters were always looking for love but they refused to settle. And they didnt have to. Once upon a time if you were single at 25 then it was all over and you would take who you could get. I’m 33 and I don’t feel pressured at all to be married. I would love to be in love, but only if it’s right and I think that’s what those shows are about. Anyone who thinks differently needs to re-watch those shows.
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I’m happily married to my teenage sweetheart at 24, and perhaps I have the opposite problem. My husband is adorable; loving, gentle, funny, and very handsome.But however happy in my relationship I am, the part of me that loves SATC also feels a little like I’m missing out. Not so much for the dating/sleeping with other men, but just for the total freedom and independence which I never really had, having been in a pretty serious relationship since I was 17.
It’s just a little niggle in my consciousness now, but I worry that it will grow roots as I get older and turn into something like resentment.
Could actually really use some advice on this one, come to think of it!
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Don’t let it worry you. You can have freedom and independence in a relationship (before you have kids!) by going out and doing the things you want when you want to most of the time. Of course there are some compromises in a relationship but I’m sure from your description, your husband doesn’t mind you having a girls night out? I think that SATC shows such brief snippets of ‘the single life’ and I didn’t find it like that at all. Mostly, I found it lonely and boring. My partner (soon to be husband) and I agree that it’s fantastic being in a good relationship – having a firm foundation which you can springboard off into other areas of interest, knowing that someone is there to come home to and share your stories with. I think that I’m more interesting and happy now as a person in my relationship because I’m not always out obsessing over finding someone to ease my loneliness that I take an interest in heaps of other things. I don’t think you should ever feel resentment – just make sure you have a balance of ‘you time’ and ‘couple time’ to even things out.
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It’s completely normal to feel like this. There’s usually always a trade off. You get to spend your life with your best friend, but you miss out on certain freedom and experiences, or you spend years and years possibly feeling lonely and missing someone you don’t know yet (and don’t know if you’ll ever know). Your hand has been dealt to you, so if you’re happy with it then accept it and cherish it. If you focus on what you’re missing out on then yes, it will lead to resentment and could actually end the marriage. But don’t feel guilty for feeling like that, it’s natural.
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Lou , Lou – I like you am single and the message I took was don’t feel like a failure make the most of singledom. However in the end Charlotte settled for a guy who wasn’t her original idea of the perfect man. Holding out can be deluded…
Rachel – the grass always seems greener onthe othe side and we just have to make the most of what the cards deal us and enjoy our lives rather than wanting what others have – which is never perfect
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Don’t fix what aint broke! & just remember that could be Astro Turf on the other side of that fence!
As long as you are happy and you aren’t restricted from doing things you want to do then you do have independence. Should that situation ever change then you have a choice on how the rest of your life will be lived..
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My heroines are Charlotte Bronte and Jane Austen. But dont’ even ask me how they ended up
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Sadly this woman is a prime example of the women that lori gollieb talks about in her book “Marry Him”. Sad but true, women depreciate as they get older, meaning the pull they had in the 20′s and 30′s is not the same in their 40′s. Yes you want the best of everything, the tall , dark and handsome, the man who has the career and $$$$ in the bank, no compromising well suck it up when you wake up at 40 and find yourself alone, single and wondering what the f*^k happened. You are only then competing with women 10 and 20 years younger, prettier and more fertile than yourself… I dont pity this woman, her choices got her where she is today. Alone and depressed.
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Ouch
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I agree women depreciate as they get older (usually), but that doesn’t change whether or not you find someone to marry before you’re past your prime. Sometimes it’s not in your control.
What if you don’t meet a man you love enough to actually commit to? Who you’d be lying to in your vows if you married him just to avoid being alone at 40? How is that fair to him or you? Alternatively, many women meet men they’d love to marry…but get dumped rather than getting the ring.
Your attitude suggests we should all just marry the first bloke who looks like he’ll have us, just in case we end up on the shelf. In my view that would just end up with lots of middle aged divorces – an even worse prospect!
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Women depreciate as they get older? Good god. I would think everyone “depreciates” as they get older in that case. The only difference is that men’s fertility doesn’t decline as rapidly, or as early as a females.
I would prefer to think I’m aging, as I’m meant to, not depreciating. That suggests your value to society is decreasing. To be quite honest if I was single and met men that preferred someone a lot younger, I would wonder about their own maturity level.
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Women you are not understanding what is being said. She said depreciate. God it sounds terrible but it is true. What could get in our 20′s and 30′s when we are the most alluring to men starts to disapear in front of us as we hit our 40′s. Just look at what Claudia said. Very difficult to get dates in her mid 40′s. That is because men in their 40′s prefer fertile women in their 30′s . Awful to digest but the truth. Men are into aesthetics. Simple but a fact.
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This man doesn’t want someone in their 30′s. I like 40 something women. They’ve got it all.
There is so much more to a woman than the lack of wrinkles or fertility, and as man with kids I so don’t want to go back to sleepless nights and crappy nappies.
To be quite honest I find women in their late 30′s without kids to be a little weird, but that’s just me.
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How old are you make I ask? Plenty of men in their 50′s settle for women in their 40′s
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I loved Charlotte, she was classy. Carrie was frustrating and the other 2 were just as annoying and slightly unhinged.
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She wasn’t classy – she was was either picky & manipulative or passive & pathetic – do you not recall her request that a man mutilate himself to please her?
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How can anyone aspire to be someone fictional?
Seriously…
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Just because something is fictional doesn’t mean its qualities are not worth aspiring to. Hmmm… Atticus Finch comes to mind as I type this.
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I aspire to be ravaged by Mr Darcy or Alexander from The Bronze Horseman. Seriously.
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Mr Darcy! Swoon…:)
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Wait, wait, wait, do you mean to tell me that what’s in books and on tv isn’t real?
Does this mean my letter from Hogwarts won’t be coming?
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Not for us muggles I’m afraid.
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After reading this article I realised the woman I know that have been in happy relationships for many years are my h more interesting. They don’t spent their time finding the one like the single ones they spend it on the stuff their interested in.. Hmm just a thought
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who wants to be single for the rest of their life? Anyone following the advice of fictional characters created for storylines that may or may not be true to life are not living in the real world. Wake up!
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I still remember in year 12, our yearbook had those questions that each student had to answer. One of them was:
“Which TV/movie character do you admire the most” (or something like that).
My answer: “Elaine from Seinfeld”
SATC?? Bridget?? Nope, sorry. You can have them.
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I personally have modeled my dancing techniques on hers. I do the ‘Elaine’ every time I’m out, it embarrasses my friends immensely.
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Holy crap, MJ – ME TOO!!!
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One of the best TV characters ever!!
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Get out!
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I LOVE Seinfeld !!!!! Now that’s a TV series I desperately want a movie made from. Please, just one movie!!! I’d be so happy.
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But Elaine ultimately faces the same dilemma as the characters from the other shows and movies mentioned. She remains single and chooses to spend her time and energy with her fellow single friends rather than build a family of her own. When we said goodbye to Seinfeld and Elaine she was in her 30s and it was funny – would it be so funny to see her doing the same thing in her 40s and 50s?
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I never got into Sex and the City to be honest. It all seemed so superficial. Also, I think it was when I tuned in to one particular episode, where they sat around and talked casually about their abortions, that the show left me unsettled.
I was never sold on Carrie Bradshaw et al.
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Im just going to put it out there – i am 20 years old (yes I know, not very old at all) and have just (probably 2 days ago) realised i am content with being single and where my life is at at the moment. I know that at least at the moment I dont have time for a partner (working 2 jobs and sport I play), and I actually dont see myself changing my mindset to become less selfish with my time any time soon. I am actually happier now than I have ever been, even when I was in a relationship. I have always said that I dont want kids or dont want to get married. Although when I get older a relationship would be good I dont actually see the point as long as I have my sport and work keeping me with friends.
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Be it 20yrs old or 80yrs old. People have to be content. You have found what it is that makes you that person. Things may change as you get older. Or they might not. Hold on to that contentment, girl, whatever it may be. Thats what life is about.
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I guarantee that you will meet someone now. I had the same epiphany at 23 and a week layer met my now-husband
enjoy the single life, it’s great.
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Hi Jess,
I was similar when I was about 18-ish years old. Now at 33, I have a beautiful (happy surprise) 4 year old daughter and a great career, and have been single since I was pregnant. Mine is generally a good life and I’m honestly happy. I have changed my mind about what I wanted since I was 18 a few times as most people do, and I’m sure it will change again in the next 10 years. Be open to changing how you feel, and then go with your heart
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Wise comments!
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Im just going to put it out there – i am 20 years old (yes I know, not very old at all) and have just (probably 2 days ago) realised i am content with being single. I know that at least at the moment I dont have time for a partner (working 2 jobs and sport I play), and I actually dont see myself changing my mindset to become less selfish with my time any time soon. I am actually happier now than I have ever been, even when I was in a relationship. I have always said that I dont want kids or dont want to get married. Although when I get older a relationship would be good I dont actually see the point as long as I have my sport and work keeping me with friends.
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Puhleeeease… Do people seriously live their lives based on fiction TV characters? My God I adore Sex and the City. My whole six season box set is one of my prized posessions! But did I spend my twenties trying to be Carrie or Samantha or Charlotte becuase of it? Hell no.. Even as a naive 21 year old I could see that someone who wrote one newspaper column couldn’t afford an apartment in Manhattan and a fetish for designer shoes, and that if I spent my time analysing my life choices as much as Carrie did I’d never leave my apartment again..
I find it very hard to believe that intelligent women chose to live a Sex and the City lifestyle and in doing so chose not to find a partner and settle down because they didn’t think past their next cosmopolitan..
It’s fiction.. We live in the real world!
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I still love the fact that everyone in these comments always forgets poor Miranda (just like the show
)
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Oops! I can’t believe I forgot Miranda! The only one who seemed to actually work for a living..
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She was the most sensible and intelligent one, I think people forget her because the others were so ridiculous and over the top.
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Miranda was always my fave!
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“inspired by them”?!?!
Should I state the obvious?? They are fictional characters. Made up to make lots of money.
Surely there are real women out there to find your inspiration from.
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SATC also misled me on how easy it would be to catch up with friends once you had kids/relationships. My friends and I are constantly saying we need to catch up for lunch or a drink but family, work, life commitments make it almost impossible to schedule a time that suits everyone. How do the SATC girls manage to arrange so many lunch dates together, let alone actually going out at night together? And holidays away together, absolute fantasy.
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What those shows did was make it ok to be single beyond your 20s, that there wasn’t something wrong with you. I grew up in the kind of place where you grew up, got married and had a family. I made jokes about being single and 40 but I never expected that i would be. Not that I find I mind so much.
There are many women who enjoyed their singleness through 20s and 30s who fully thought they would eventually find someone. Others never intended to.
The hardest things about being single in your 40s (assuming you enjoy your own company as I do) is that A. your friends of the same age are usually married with children making the nights out for cocktails harder to come by and B.everyone assumes you are unhappy.
Don’t get me wrong. I know some single women who would much rather be in a couple. I feel for them but I’ve also seen how unhappy you can be with the wrong person. Life rarely goes the way we think even if you get the things you think you wanted. Be happy in whichever state you are in. If you aren’t in the state you want to be then take steps to change it.
Think about what all those feminists gave us. Choice.
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Love your point about CHOICE! Agree about how important it is loving the state you’re at (whether single for now, single for life, in a couple, married, divorced, whatever). Very very good point.
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I dont think there is anything wrong with it !! As long as the single women in their 40′s and 50′s out and about on a Friday night at all the bars remember that they are no longer 25! Sophisticated mature women look gorgeous and if they so desire will attract men who love that! Mature women who dress in clothes too tight, skirts too short, hair too long, trying to pretend they’re 20 years younger just look silly and desperate – any wonder they attract the wrong men!
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Oh shit no! They just inspired my wit, my passion for fashion and reinforced that I can never have too many shoes. Or gay male friends.
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As much as I loved Sex and he City, and still enjoy watching repeats, it was fantasy. Carrie’s whole life was a fantasy from the clothes she wore to the lifestyle she could supposedly afford to lead from one newspaper column a week. But it was packaged up in a great story about a woman looking for romance with her three best friends along for the ride on their own journeys.
To be honest I found Carrie a bit irritating with the way Big treated her and her neediness whenever it came to him. And I will never forgive her for breaking Aiden’s heart twice. If we are talking ‘role models’ in the loosest sense then I think Charlotte was pretty good. At least she realised that true love often doesn’t come in a pre determined package and that you may need to open your eyes to what is right in front of you.
On reflection the show was also very anti men. Really the only decent male characters were Aiden and Harry. Everyone else was either a freak, a commitment phobe or cheated on someone. There was a bit of a vibe that we don’t need men as long as we have each other…which is true…but what is so wrong with loving men and loving being around them for things other than sex?
If anyone watched ‘The Newsroom’ it contained one of the best rants against Sex and the City ever. In a nutshell it was all about how the typical girl in New York doesn’t have any money or friends who are constantly available at any time day or night and that they have other responsibilities. Brilliant!
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I loved that Sex And the City scene in The Newsroom. Brilliantly done. I often wonder how the New York women really feel about SATC.
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They probably yesll at the screen, going “As if! How are you affording that big apartment when all you do is write one newspaper column? Never mind all those expensive shoes!!”
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Oh I so would have chosen Aiden if I was Carrie, he was a good guy. But she probably would have had to give up her shoe addiction, gotten a mortgage and started shopping at Kmart like the rest of us if she married Aiden. Having shoes is much more important.
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Have to agree Bec, Aidan was the best!
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Smith was a good guy too.
That is my extensive input. Ha.
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You’ve totally forgotten Steve. And Miranda. Their relationship was probably the cutest in the whole show. He’s such a lovely guy who perservered and convinced the biggest commitment-phobe to move to Brooklyn and become part of a family. Bless.
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And then cheated on her in the movie. I suppose if we want to discount the movie (which I’m fine with) we can add Steve to the list.
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and cheated on her?
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But Aidan sure was something wasn’t he? I never felt much empathy for Carrie, but when she kicked Aidan to the curb, that was it!
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OMG and Pete the Brittany Spaniel, the house in the country, Aidan’s bear hugs – I’d have loved all of that!
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think they have done far more than someone like, say, Anastasia has for the evolution, ultimate happiness and success of the modern woman. The lesson they taught us best was that being either single or attached are fine, but it’s our choice not society’s mandate. And that there are stages in our lives when one option is more important that the other. I’m happy to have had that choice. And if you’re looking for a new ‘go-to’ girl who also believes this, maybe you should get to know Kayte Wexford from ‘eloves me, eloves me not’.
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Personally I think it is the Disney princesses who owe us an apology. Now there is unrealistic expectation setting, if you just sit (or lie in a coma) for long enough your prince charming will find you.
I have always loved the scene in Shrek 2 where they are all trapped in a tower and Fiona says they need to do something and all the princesses assume their waiting to be rescued positions!
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I loved and still love Sex and the City. Ironically it was my much older, Carrie esque, sister that got me into it. Now that we are both older, we have maintained the same sort of roles- me, 23, settled down in my house with my partner, hoping to have kids in the next couple of years. Career can wait!
Then there’s my sister who is on the brink of 30, lives alone in a shoebox flat, has never been tied down in a relationship and has spent the last 10 years working in customer service, attempting to work her way up the career ladder.
So we obviously have completely different ideals, whilst she still goes out to clubs and gets wildly drunk, my partner and I do dinners with other couples, or a few drinks at home with friends.
She spends her money on going to places like Thailand and on handbags and shoes.
I saved for a house and now I’m saving for a new bathroom and for our future.
So whilst someone in her position probably looks at my life and thinks it’s ultimately a dead end, boring and tied down, I look at her life and age and think it’s depressing. And how is someone who says they never want marraige and children going to be happy beyond the ages of forty and fifty, if they follow through with it.
I think maybe we should just do what suits us and what makes us happy. Stuff having these heroines making us feel ok to be alone, or to feel bad for falling in love. I just think we need to be realistic about the fact that we WILL indeed age and no one WANTS to be old and alone.
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I think that is an awful thing to say about your sister, that her life is depressing and not believing someone can be happy at 40 or 50 without a partner and/or children!
As long as her life is happy that is all that matters! If she is happy with it, then who cares!
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But if Jackal finds it depressing then why can’t she say that? I find it a bit depressing too and wouldn’t want it for myself or my sister.
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Um, because if it is what her sister wants and her sister is happy, that should be the only thing that matters?
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We don’t know her sister is happy. I would be slightly depressed if my sister was still getting wildly drunk at clubs at the age of 30. Obviously you must be a lot more tolerant than me.
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I’m confused at 28 it’s okay to go out and get wildly drunk but at 30 it’s not?… I’m 29 and I’m pregnant at the moment, but 5 months ago that’s what I was doing. I also have a career a daughter ( she spends 50 percent of her time at her dads) and a mortgage and fionce Why is it depressing ? I was having a blast?
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Confused, good for you, if you want to have a blast in clubs until you are 50, it doesn’t bother me. I went clubbing from the age of 18 to the age of 25 almost every week and I would rather have a root canal these days than go clubbing.
I don’t know anyone who is still getting drunk at clubs at the age of 30 so clearly I am not in the minority. In most cases people have moved on by that age. And yes, being sorrounded by 18 year olds getting smashed and drunken guys trying to pick me up for a one night stand would be more than a little depressing for me at this stage.
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I read MammaMia daily but have never felt compelled to comment before but this I cannot let slip. “I would be slightly depressed if my sister was still getting wildly drunk at clubs at the age of 30.” This is a ridiculous and offensive thing to say! I am so sick of people saying that now I am 30 I need to ‘settle down.’ I don’t feel 30 or look it, I don’t suddenly stop enjoying things the day I turn 30 I have enjoyed for the past 10 years plus. Most settled people I know are jealous of my life. Oh and my YOUNGER sister is settled with a child and would never dare say this to me!!
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Miss Saphire, I’m not sure why you took this so personally, I was talking about me and possibly my sister, not everyone else. And I would totally feel comfortable saying this to her face, just like she can say anything to me.
No one said anything about having to settle own once you turn 30. And also there is a big difference between settling down with a husband and babies and getting drunk in clubs (which is the only thing I said I personally find a bit sad).
“Most settled people I know are jealous of my life.”
This is really interesting because most settled people I know thank their lucky stars they don’t have to go on dates any more, stand in bars in heels all night while getting approached by dickheads etc. Been there, done that, and I hope I never have to go there again, so no jealousy here.
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Are sisters to be ‘tolerated’ ? That tone sounds awfully judgemental. With sisters like these…
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Single Women in their 30′s and beyond who say their coupled up friends are jealous of their lifestyles of being fancy free are delusional. Sorry I don’t know any woman of this age bracket who loves going out on Saturday night to bars and clubs hoping to meet a man hoping it may lead to something. Seriously that is a depressing thought when most of your competition is 10 years or younger. I am tipping your coupled up peers are feeling a little pity for your lifestyle ..
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No, YOU don’t want to be old and alone. Your sister might be fine with that prospect. I don’t worry about not having a partner, mortgage etc. If it happens it happens, but if doesn’t it doesn’t. I’m not going to sit around worrying about how to attract someone just because I apparently should have a partner.
My sister and I are the same as you guys – she married her boyfriend from when she was 18, had a mortgage in her early 20s, etc. If that’s what you want, great, but it’s not what I wanted to do and it’s not what your sister wants to do either. And that’s OK.
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Or living with our mother and our daughter having 3 generations within the family.
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Yes, some of us do because that’s what we have to do. And some of us do because that’s what our families do – look after each other. Pretty piss poor attempts at nastiness there.
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Really or were you being sarcastic?
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I seem to attract a bit of a fan club, the Anon above and Lisa are part of it, I think. I suppose it’s flattering (if a little creepy) that people pay so much attention to my life.
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Love it Kris, you always have the perfect come back! And yes it is creepy!
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yes, you do have a fan club, because there’s blunt and getting your point across, and then there’s rude. People don’t like being made a fool of, and your little extra digs at the end , do just that.
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I’m part of your actual fanclub Kris!
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Give your sister a break! She’s not even 30 yet and you’re assuming she’s destined to live alone in her ‘shoebox’ for the rest of her days. I met my husband after turning 30 and am now days away from having my second bub at 36.
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I guess it’s all about perspective, I had a fulfilling career, an amazing social life and travelled extensively in my twenties. I finally settled down in my mid thirties and now have a wonderful husband and family. I had school friends who got married and had kids in their early twenties and quite frankly I found their lives quite depressing at the time, they seemed to be missing out on so many experiences. Your sister possibly finds your life quite dull and thinks her life is fulfilled. Everyone needs to live the life that suits them at the time.
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Ooh wow, personally I don’t see the partying, trips to Thailand and handbags and shoes depressing at all!! I’m in my mid-30s, don’t own property, spent all my money up until I was about 31 on travelling, still party quite regularly with friends and am very happy about it! I am married, and do hope to start a family (if I’m lucky enough) in the next year, which is where I differ from your sister, but aside from that, I’m quite happy with my lot and personally wouldn’t have wanted to spend my twenties saving for a bathroom.. Each to their own I say.. If we were all the same, the world would be a terribly dull place!
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I agree about clubbing at the age of 30 being depressing, it was bad enough when I was in my 20s. I wouldn’t want to go back to that stage for anything in the world.
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I’m 31, in a long term relationship, have a great career, a house and a toddler. We’re thinking of the next one. I still love a good night out with my man or the girls! Just because you’re thirty doesn’t mean you should roll over and die. Good on her!
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Could you please elaborate on how marriage and children is a sure guarantee for happiness beyond your 50s? You are 23 years old now. I’m sure you realise a lot can happen/change in 27 years’ time (when you are 50).
Not to sound blunt but there are no guarantees in life. None. Marriages can fail, your children could turn out very different to what you hope for, you may change as a person; your husband may change – it’s normal. It’s life.
Your sister’s life, just as yours, is not cast in stone. She may meet someone she loves when she (and you) least expect it. That is if she wants to, of course.
What’s ‘depressing’ to you, may be nirvana to your sister (and vice versa!). One size does not fit all, and there is not only one way to ‘be’ in the world. Thank God for that!
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I don’t know if I hope your sister finds out how you really feel or not… on one hand at least she would know how closed minded and clueless you are that there are other ways of living but on the other I think she’d be deeply hurt on how dismissive you are on her life.
For your sake I hope your ‘perfect’ little life never falls apart and you find yourself ‘GASP’ alone and need your sister to pick you up and teach you a few things about being independant.
oh ps – I giggled at this ‘And how is someone who says they never want marraige and children going to be happy beyond the ages of forty and fifty’ – what exactly do you think happens at this age???
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‘beyond the ages of forty and fifty’ – that must be when your vagina closes for business *makes mental note to ask GP about this on next visit
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Just to clear up my original comment, (which I quickly wrote during my tea break), I wasn’t intentionally sounding dismissive when it comes to my own sister’s life. I was basically attempting to use myself and her as different examples of women, the two of us being almost opposites.
I just believe that we have completely different ideals values, and I still stand by what I said, although it did come across as slightly bitchy, oops! I believe that having children and settling down is right for me, and that is my decision and just because I don’t fancy going out drinking and living the single life, doesn’t make me a bad person. Everyone is different. I can look at someone who refuses to settle down and says they definitely don’t want kids and think that it’s crazy and depressing. BUT it probably isn’t to them. I don’t care.
People probably think my life is boring and depressing. But I do what makes me happy. If my relationship doesn’t last forever (which I obviously know is a possibility, because I am only 23) then so be it.
And as for thinking I am ‘superior’, the ironic thing is my very own sister is the one to constantly put down the life I have chosen. Probably cos’ it doesn’t involve enough partying and shoes!
(And to any over forties that are single and without kids, I don’t mean to sound condescending and rude!! One of my close friends who is 45 and hasn’t got a partner nor kids, for her it was due to leaving it too late and spending too much time with time wasting men. And she’s not happy about that, but she’s amazing and has accepted that it’s just in the cards for her. So I don’t really think life is over after that age!!)
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Jackal I know many people who have chosen to be single and childless. They are the most interesting people I have met. They are not lonely and are more financially secure as they do not have children. They travel, get out and about and everyone I know enjoys their company. They have time to spend with friends and family as they do not have other commitments (husband, child).
I would much rather meet with any of these people and discuss their interesting lives than stand and talk about what colour bathroom tiles to buy next…yawn!
To have children for fear of being “old and lonely” is wrong.
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At 23, after a 4 year relationship I was also happily settled (and married) and thinking about children. My partner cheated shortly after that and I was then thrown back into the single scene. Not intending to bring you down at all but you never know where you will end up. Perhaps your sister needs your support, not your judgement.
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Sex and the City was pivotal in de-stigmatizing what it means to be a single woman over 30. But apart from the character of Samantha Jones, the entire show was about finding lasting love. I don’t think it meant to glamorize the single life. But it did make it look a lot less sad, depressing and pathetic, which I think was a good thing.
The reality is that, statistically, it’s impossible for everyone to be blissfully coupled with their perfect partner. So, there are always going to be lonely singles out there. Unfortunately, that’s just how the cards may have fallen (so far) for Claudia Connell.
If you’re single and serious about finding a life partner, there’s a whole book dedicated to it: Marry Him – A Case For Settling For Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. No, it’s not about marrying someone you don’t love. It’s about making your expectations more realistic and getting some clarity around what you’re REALLY after in a partner. I definitely think it’s worth a read.
Ironically, the Sex and the City character of Charlotte is a great example of what Ms Gottlieb is talking about. Charlotte let go of the ‘tall, dark, handsome, rich and Episcopalian’ wishlist and got a loving partner with whom she had great chemistry, and then went on to have a family and a happy life. This was my favourite storyline in the show, as it was the most realistic: If you’re open to it, Mr Right will come along… but often not in the package you expected.
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Oh I’d love to end up with a Harry!!! He was the best man on that show. Apart from Louis LeRoy….
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I’d love to end up with a Harry, too, Bec. Louis LeRoy was okay – but he bagged out New York. That ain’t cool.
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Haha, I just imagined how my boyfriend would feel if he saw me reading a book with that title.
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Heh heh. Perhaps get it on your e-reader!
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Never got into this show. I was aspiring more to be like Buffy. Kicking some vamp butt and saving the world and stuff. She’s my kind of gal.
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You know I was just realised that Sarah Michelle Gellar is 35 with two kids (I know, how old does this make me feel), so I guess Buffy would be in her mid-thirties too, I wonder if she would be feeling all depressed about not having a house & a husband?
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She is indeed. I like to think that Angel turned human for good, they got the evil under control and because all the slayers were activated any vamp flare ups are dealt with.
And there’s a bunch of little Buffys running around…;)
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I was late teen when SATC started. I loved the show know every episode and lots of trivia about it all.
But I do know and always knew it was fictional. Not a how to guide. Just like most of us would never wear 80 per cent of the crap Carrie wore (20 per cent of the time she did look amazing in wearable outfits) you wouldn’t shun men for singledom or love or even lust. Come on. Just like Entourage or the Wedding Crashers isn’t a how to for men. All of it is fantasy. Who would confuse the personal hope, dreams and desires with a TV character?
I must agree with another commenter below that Carrie was a pushover for men and not strong in any way. I thought Charlotte actually stood her ground and knew herself better and would put herself out there and speak up more often, even though more conservative in her style. Look at when Carrie was mulling over Alexandr who’d had his children and didn’t; want any more – at least one episode of the ‘I’ll not have children if I choose him’ angst. With Big in the movie, that angst wasn’t even there. She was all: ‘If he’ll take me I’ll accept whatever it is he offers me.’ A strong confident women would have accepted the wonderful Aiden. Big was an unhealthy and dramatic choice. He eventually married her because he knew she’d accept whatever sh*t he threw at her.
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I always thought it was interesting that although Carrie Bradshaw does the happy single thing, Sarah Jessica Parker has been married for 15 years (and prior to that was in a long term relationship for 7 years).
Life does not imitate art.
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Having read that article from the journalist Claudia Connell, I have to say I can see why she has ended up in the predicament she is in.
This sentence taken from the article sums it up for me perfectly – “When I had boyfriends and they stayed over, I was always relieved when they went home. None of them was allowed to leave a toothbrush or clean shirt for convenience: it was my flat for my stuff.”
Men aren’t exactly going to be knocking down the door to get married to you if they are treated like that.
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Hi Bec,
To answer your question with my opinion on it: It is because inherently that’s what most women DO want at their core. It reflects that natural feminine desire to nurture and reproduce, even in the face of a world where we now have so many more choices and freedom.
For me, whilst taking full responsibility for my life choices (some better than other ones
), I feel that rather than TV characters being an influence on my approach to life. It was being of the generation that was blasted the message ‘Girls can do anything!’. Which as a teen in the 80′s is what I remember hearing.
I think a lot of my nature predisposes me towards independence, including star sign even. My familial nurturing was more towards being married and having kids (and I was married and on the path towards kids before I upped sticks and left).
But the resounding nurturing message for me that I listened to was from teachers, adults outside my family, magazines, tv too I guess (to your point
), all saying ‘You can do anything!’.
Which I do not dispute in any way. We can.
I just question if the pendulum swung too far the other way in our generation?
As feminism of the 70′s paved the way for us in the 80′s to live the ‘girls can do anything’, but it also seemed to carry a ‘f’off’ energy with it towards men. Which I don’t think has served us, because getting back to your question of why do Carrie, Bridget etc end up in relationships – because that is how we keep the human population going, and is at the core of what the majority of women do want (and a minority genuinely do not want that).
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“natural feminine desire to nurture and reproduce”
I must be a man then; but the contents of my underwear would suggest otherwise.
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She does say ‘most women’. Not all.
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I completely agree with Lulu. I am female, but I am not particuarly nurturing, nor do I want to have children. I don’t believe that ‘nurturing’ is a natural feminine trait.
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It’s genuinely think it’s great that you & Lula and any other women know what you want.
And you certainly do not need to be a majority to be validated in that. As it’s your call for your life.
Here’s a couple of 3rd party reports that also suggest that most women do desire to reproduce as a majority of the western female population.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/meghancasserly/2012/09/12/is-opting-out-the-new-american-dream-for-working-women/
84% of working women told ForbesWoman and TheBump that staying home to raise children is a financial luxury they aspire to.
“Executive Women and the Myth of having it all” (harvard pdf, google to find link). On page 8 it says 86-89% of high achieving women want to have children. The rest of the article addresses how so many are not – that came from the 70′s and 80′s upbringings and now in late 30′s/40′s – the usual ‘left it too late’ etc.
Granted these are both American studies by reputable publishers. I couldn’t find anything about Australian women specifically. Though I also have not read or heard anything ever to suggest we are counter to global first world leaning either.
Again, I respect that you and any other woman may not want to have children and do not feel nurturing, and that you’re clear about that.
In my opinion, supported by the stats I have seen to attest to that, I believe that the majority do.
So let’s agree to disagree.
And hey – I don’t have kids myself and am a career woman, so am not looking to validate my own life choices
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Come on guys, she does say most women, of course there are going to be exceptions to every rule. It’s really not ground breaking stuff, surely you’ve heard of this concept before. And yes, I think it’s true for MOST women. I’m pretty sure there is proper research that supports this theory too.
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