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9143443 toni collette muriels wedding weight2 380x469 Im single. But Ive already planned my wedding

Remember Muriel?

I haven’t planned it, planned it. But okay yes, I admit it – I do have the Tiffany & Co Ring Finder app on my iPhone. Please do not judge me.

It’s just that sometimes, if I’m waiting in a queue or have a few spare hours minutes up my sleeve, I like to play a little game called ‘what would my engagement ring look like?’

It’s not so much a game as it is a three-step process that goes something like this: white gold, round cut, 2.5 carat. Classic.

And yes, once or twice I might have ventured into the store to have a little look-see at what my ring looks like in real life. But in my defence, I just happened to be there buying a friend’s birthday present. (They sell iPods at Tiffany’s, right?)

Moving on.

Have I mentioned I’m single? Yup. No fiance. No boyfriend. Not even a crush. And definitely no justification for the wedding planning that regularly takes hold of my brain every time I read a magazine or visit a florist.

Anyway, apparently there’s a”new trend” of women in the US – and most likely the world too – who are planning their weddings (and buying their wedding dresses) before they’re even secured a partner. Have a look:

Wait. Hold the phone – and my blue garter. THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION. Or is it?

Here’s what Jezebel had to say about the so-called new trend:

According to GMA, some ladeez have a leg up on the rest of us by planning their weddings before they even have fiancés. And not just in their imaginations. These women are lining up caterers, picking out stationery and buying dresses (though one example was a woman whose dress had belonged to her grandmother so does it really count?). Sure, it’s a little bananas to put the cart so far before the horse, but has GMA ever heard of a hope chest before?

Okay, so this is not a new concept, just a couple of extreme cases of what I like to call being a woman.

Don’t we remember Muriel’s Wedding? Poor Muriel. She was so desperate to live out her dream wedding she married the hot swimmer dude who loved only her status as an Australian citizen.

But there’s a little bit of Muriel is all of us, isn’t there? Maybe not the sitting in your room in a cheap taffeta wedding dress and singing Dancing Queen part, but didn’t you ever prance around the house in a veil (read: pillow case) on your head as a 5 year old? Walk Barbie and Ken down the aisle? Ever flipped through the wedding pages of the Sunday papers and scoffed: “oh honey, not those shoes with that dress?”

I know I have.

And just for a bit of fun, here is a gallery of some bridesmaids dresses to remember…..

Time to fess up – did you always have an idea of what you wanted for your wedding?

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231 Comments so far

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    Pat Riarchy

    What has this got to do with A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle? And it’s not rare. Ruth Ostrow quoted a figure of 30% of females admitted to marrying “the wrong guy” deliberately and for purely selfish reasons. We know a man has a 75% chance his life will be ruined by a female. So if we live in a world of equality then we can assume that the figure is the same for females. So why on Earth would a female long to get married? Thank heavens same sex marriage is coming in and you can vent your infantile fantasies on each other.

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    BB

    I can totally understand the whole wedding planning phenomenon.
    I got married late last year and it was everything I could have ever wanted. It was special and memorable and personal.

    The problem I have with this is the “2.5 CARAT” ring.
    Why not just say you want to marry a man with money?

    You might as well set up a kissing booth out the front of Ord Minnette or DeutcheBank and hope for the best.

    Clearly the fantasy with the engagement ring is that it’s a symbol of status and that you’ve “made it”.
    Most people don’t have even a vague clue how much a 2.5 carat diamond of a decent quality costs.

    Everyone has a right to dream what they dream, but I find the obsession with rings and dresses to be so crass.

    How can you really have a “Happy Ever After” if you expectations are so unrealistic?

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      Anonymous

      Totally agree!

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    Jen

    Lucy, loved this article.

    I’ve been engaged for nearly 2 years and the thought of organising my wedding seems so overwhelming to me. I’d love for us to get married soon but as soon as I start thinking about it I start thinking its so much to organise and I just feel a sense of dread in organising it all. Then I think about the money it involves and the politics it can also involve. Unromantic I know.

    We got engaged 6 months before our baby was born and are also building a house at the same time so are juggling a little bit at the moment.

    Neither of us want a big wedding and want to do it at a Registry Office – no frills. I think about what’s important and its just I want to marry my fiance. I don’t want a fancy dress or huge reception. I just want to be marry the love of my life. People already are trying to talk us out of it so we may end up eloping!

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    Innerwestgrrl

    Haha- love this article Lucy!
    I do have a serious partner… But she’s a woman so it wouldn’t even be legal yet! 
    Three years ago as an uppity young feminist lesbian I’d have scoffed at an article and seen it as ‘rubbish for desperate straight girls’… But now I’ve been with my dream girl for 2 and a half years all I can think about is my wedding!
     I’ve had the Tiffany ring finder on my phone since we moved in together, but it’s just been the last few months that I’ve been sucked into the ‘etsy vortex’ (yes, going so far as to ‘favorite’ ideas I like) and making a written note if I think of or see something I love.
    I don’t think my gf does this (she’s a lot more practical than me) but we do talk about ‘our wedding’ regularly in context (eg. When driving past wedding cars etc) and have established that we both want a small & intimate ‘budget but beautiful’ wedding so we can spend more on a honeymoon together or house deposit. 

    The only advantage of being in a girl-girl relationship is that i dont necessarily have to wait for my partner to propose! I’ve been a full time student for our whole relationship but now  looking for full time work- when I get a job (Fingers crossed this month!) saving for her ring will be my no 1 priority! I have already opened the savings account for it and spent hours thinking of what her perfect ring style would be!

    I don’t think it’s a bad thing to dream (making actual bookings is maybe a little crazy)
    When I’m having a black day, things are going wrong and I’m feeling sad it cheers me up to think about all the wonderful things the future might hold. It used to be jobs, but now my lady is the most important thing in my life most of my dreams are about us… Our wedding, our dream home, vacations at the snow with our kids… We all need hopes and dreams to get us through the tough times, and a little peek at etsy weddings just makes it feel all the more real and possible… So I say Keep it up girls!!!

    Sorry for the long rant… Most of my friends both gay and straight think all this stuff is silly so I was thrilled to find somewhere I could blurt it all out!! :)  

    And ps. Anyone that feels like writing to their local MP to support marriage equality would be awesome! The only dream I have set in stone for my wedding is for it to be legally recognized here in Australia!!

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      amyintheworld

      Hey Innerwestgirl – I love Etsy too! I’m actually getting my wedding dress made by a dressmaker who has an etsy store :) . The site is so awesome for ideas and alternatives to ‘traditional’ weddings.

      I also really, really hope you can marry your special lady soon, and have it legally recognised :)

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    Simone

    The question I have is, where are you going to find the boys that can afford (or justify) the 2 carat diamonds ;)

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    Megan@OrdinaryWomanPress

    Oh those bridesmaids’ dresses! Laughing out loud and occasionally shuddering and saying ‘What on earth were they thinking?’

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    Lil

    I will never complain about the bridesmaid dresses have had to wear again!

    BTW I never wanted to get married never thought about it and certainly didn’t want the big white wedding thing or an engagement ring but my now husband did!

    So it’s not always the girls dreaming about the wedding and martial bliss.

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    Catherine

    Too bad these wanna be brides without beaus don’t devote their time and energy to (1)) self reflection and (2) reading books on how to (a) choose a satisfactory partner and (b) BE a satisfactory partner.

    There is way too much emphasis on the wedding day and not enough emphasis on equipping oneself to cope with the day to day demands/challenges of being married.

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    misskeira

    I am engaged and don’t really have any ideas about what the wedding will look like. My fiance and I are quite nerdy (and proud of our nerdiness) so we’d like to incorporate that into the big day. I have no idea what my dress will look like, where we will have the wedding etc.

    My engagement ring is a simple silver square ring with I love you engraved on the four sides. No diamonds. It took a lot of searching to find a store that actually had rings in my size (I have petite hands so my ring size is that of a child). It wasn’t until I saw it that I fell in love with it.

    I know of someone who has already bought her wedding dress (it was the design Bella wore in Breaking Dawn/Twilight)

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      MissT

      OMG!! Have lego people on your wedding cake!

      My ring size is pretty damn small too :)

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    B's Mummy

    I don’t understand – how can people make wedding plans without a fiance or even a partner? What about their input?

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    Kate O

    Yep pretty much Lucy!

    I love perusing wedding sites & buying the odd wedding mag!

    To be fair all my girlfriends & sisters are married so I have caught the bug.

    I have my marquee, dress style, food, venue location, bridesmaids, music etc pretty much all picked out but of course I am up for negotiation when it comes time to actually say I do- after all it’s about a marriage not a wedding!

    I do have a boy, but even if I didn’t I’d still plan it!

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    rachel

    I used to doodle my would be signature, which I have to say was quite impressive, but forgot to change my name after I got married. i still doodle it sometimes though!

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    Sezzard

    I think it’s a little outrageous that women are booking wedding suppliers without actually being engaged or having a serious partner but a little day dreaming never hurt anyone!

    I got engaged in 2009 after being with my bf for two years. I knew the engagement was coming (I found the receipt for the ring) but coming from a family where my parents are both divorced – twice, marriage was always something I never wanted. I said yes to my bf because I knew it was important to him and I really couldn’t imagine my life without him! Fast forward a few months after our engagement and I was an emotional wreck trying to make all these decisions! It was so overwhelming as I had never put any thought into it and I literally had no clue what type of wedding I wanted. I called it all off and stopped planning completely. On our one year anniversary of getting engaged I totally freaked out and decided to set a date. Three months away. Best. Decision. Ever. I bought some mags, got a few ideas together and managed to plan my wedding in three months. I made tough decisions quickly and I still don’t regret a single thing. I was also grateful that I only had ‘wedding brain’ for three months as opposed to a year or more like Mose people. Thinking about nothing but wedding stuff is mentally draining! The day was perfect, it reflected both my hubby and I and it was more than I could have ever dreamed of.
    In light of all this, I recommend to anyone planning a wedding is to have some thoughts up your sleeve first because it can (and will) get overwhelming at times and you will need to have an idea of what you like, while def keeping an open mind!
    I have always said that it should be about the marriage and not the day!! That thought alone kept me sane!

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    hannahfromsa

    A wedding is probably one of the few big events that the average person will plan. So having some idea of what you would want doesn’t strike me as crazy. Actually buying things (unless it’s a beautiful vintage dress that you won’t see again for example) is a step too far. I also think getting fixated on a wedding isn’t great because then it becomes a bit fake and pressurized. So I think you’re fine Lucy!

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    Kylie2

    My 13 year old daughter has already decided she wants to get married on a beach, in a strapless white dress, with her hair down and she hasn’t even started dating!

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    Zoe

    Hi Lucy,

    I’m 26 and single and I am exactly this person. If you asked any of my friends they’ll tell you how much they can’t wait for my wedding cause its so planned out. It changes all the time, but I’ve definitely got the details sorted. 

    My dress will be a modern classic, embellished cap sleeve top and A line skirt. The ring- white gold 2 carat Asher cut diamond with pave band. It will be outside under the stars but with a view, and I’ll fly my childhood priest to wherever the ceremony will be to marry us.

    But here’s the kicker. My parents, both sets of grandparents, and one set of great grandparents are divorced. So whilst I want to be a bride one day, I just want to do it once.

    What I want more than anything is the marriage that follows, the life we’ll plan together and the things we’ll share. I want a forever. I want you to walk away from my wedding telling people not only that it was the best party you’ve ever attended but the reason why was because the bride and groom are incredibly, amazingly in love.

    So, I’ll keep designing my dress, picking out my flowers and thinking about the food, but I can do this a while, until I find the right person to be my loving husband. For life. 

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      Anonymous

      Asscher Cut I think you mean.

      While I think its fine to to dream about the type of dress you want, or the flowers or even what style and cut of ring you would like one day, talking about carat size is a little crass….

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    alyssa

    Pinterest has made me a wedding planning maniac – i am sure one day the boy will come along and I can put it all into action… but for now I will spend nights on end pinning dresses and decors dreaming of the big day :)

  18. GD Star Rating
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    cheers

    I’m 21, in quite a new relationship (3 months) and yes, I know what i want my wedding to be like- not necessarily to my bf, but the person i end up marrying.
    I want a white gold solitare engagement ring, either pear shaped or brilliant and 1ct. I have short stumpy fingers and anything larger than that looks silly on me (I work in a jewellery store and spend my time trying on rings) :D
    I know in my head what i want the dress to look like, but haven’t seen it yet. And i don’t want ugly bridesmaids dresses, because they will look bad in the photos. Yes, I’m quite sad :p

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    Jane

    Most of us want to partner up for life…and the ring is the wearable symbol of the partnership. But the yearning, we all know, is the deep one of sharing a life with another person. If one of the manifestations of that longing is dreaming about a beautiful piece of jewellery that marks the occasion what could possibly be wrong with that?? I love your honesty Lucy. It takes guts to admit this stuff. But then others can too!! Good on you.

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    katepiasecka

    OK I don’t feel so bad any more about my wedding obsession because it’s all in my head, I don’t have a file or an ap or anything physical.

    My poor boyfriend. We’ve been together for coming up on three years, we have a little girl together and recently SIX of our close friends got engaged.

    EVERYONE is wondering when he is going to ‘make an honest woman’ of me.

    I tell you what, the day he pops the question, I’m going to the nearest news agency and buying every wedding magazine they sell.

    I’m not joking.

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    anna84

    I have a friend that is exactly like this. She is 27 and her boyfriend has recently just proposed and she can finally start planning her wedding….well should I say she can finally start putting her plans into action because she’s been planning her wedding in her head since she was 8 years old!! Over the years there’s been so many times that I’ve heard all about the church, the dress and the ring. All she’s ever wanted is to be a wife and mother and she’s finally met the right guy.
    I, on the other hand, have little interest in marriage and have never even thought about my wedding day! I remember as a teenager listening to girls talk about walking past bridal shops and fantasising about their dress and not really understanding. I’m about to turn 28 and I still don’t look at bridal dresses even though everyone around me is starting to get married! Maybe I’m missing some kind of female gene…..hehe….or maybe one day I’ll change my mind, who knows?! :P

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    YoungVintage

    My wedding is in 8 weeks and I’ve barely planned it! :)

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      Nico

      Good luck!

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    detachableprincess

    I must be in the minority – I truly didn’t have anything planned before we got engaged! Quite frankly, I didn’t have much planned afterwards either… We ended up with a low-key, fun, funny wedding that was true to US.

    I remember talking with the reception venue manager, she was asking all sorts of questions about things that we hadn’t even thought of. Things like: “Would you like rose petals or glitter scattered on the tables?” I looked like a deer in headlights, wondering what I wanted, “Um, blue glitter?”. She looked at me like *I* was the crazy one, for not having considered it!

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      YoungVintage

      Your comment cracked me up :)

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    Kiki

    Planning and daydreaming about your wedding is nice. I’m sure I probably did it before I was married. It’s when it comes time to actually PAY for it that you reconsider the six-tier wedding cake, horse drawn carriage and photograpy package that costs as much as a house deposit.

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      melissasavage

      True! No way I’m wasting money on stuff people don’t notice or care about, like bonboniere or chair covers. I’m also not inviting any random extras we never see or people we don’t want with us on the day.

      I was happy to pay for a good photographer, but there’s a set price and she gives us the digital copies of our pictures, she doesn’t get involved in printing or framing, and hence no upselling.

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        Nico

        Chair covers….seriously, what is the point of those things?

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    Bradley

    I’ve been married four times. Once to my first wife, three times to my current wife. Okay….two of those were renewal of vows ceremonies. I involved myself at every stage of the planning of all four events.

    This will either amuse or amaze you, but when I hit fifteen I started up my own male version of a glory box. By the time I moved into my first flat I only had to get a fridge, washer and couch. Everything else from plates and cutlery to towels and linen I’d bought as I went along. I always thought it unfair to expect a future wife to provide all of the household essentials.

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      Emmeline

      Bradley – is that you? Orginal Bradley? You have been missed. A lot of people have been wondering where you got to. Welcome back!

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      roserusso

      That’s so cute that you have a glory box!

      As I’m helping plan my cousin’s wedding in Fiji for 200 people, I’ll be happy with a small wedding – preferably with under 50 people!

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    Gin & Tonic

    Daydream, sure, but PLAN it? I think that is a bit crazy if you are single.

    It kind of makes me think of Kim Kardashian. She had the whole thing planned out in her head before she met him, she just needed a groom. She found one and the wedding was “perfect”. The marriage….not so perfect.

    It is so much more important to spend time thinking about finding the right partner rather than plan the details of a one-off event.

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    brizzie

    I’ve been married twice, 2 weddings. Both were fairly low key in terms of pomp and fair. Dresses/flowers/rings/cars etc don’t make you feel like a princess. A guy who treats you like one (even when you’re in trackies, thongs and unwashed hair – pregnant and vomiting etc etc) makes you feel like one! sadly I had a few goes at that….

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    JL

    i just never really dreamed about being married or weddings or husbands and babies. Its so weird, i never actually thought i would get married..then BAM married at 24….even when planning the wedding i was enjoying the process but i didnt understand all the hype!
    I still dont have a ring, i have a tattoo in sanscript of my husbands name and he has mine and i wear my grandmothers ring and my mother wedding band, and i wore a white corset top but my skirt was hot pink and white so i kinda dont think i am the weddingish type person…well i wasnt at 24…NOW i would LOVE to have another wedding but tbh i cant justify the money! we could go on an awesome trip with our kids instead!!
    Weddings are wonderful, i just think too many people put way too much importance on the wedding part and not the marriage part!

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    Danielle

    Judge me all you like but YES I am one of those crazy women who have most of their wedding planned out! I have the Tiffany app, the dream dress and the folder on my computer with reference photos ready to go when I need them! My partner thinks I am crazy.. Constantly nattering about ‘one day’ and ‘ if we were engaged’, I just like to dream! Hopefully I will need them soon! Haha! After all we have been together for a few years and have 2 beautiful girls! Fingers crossed! Haha oh I love weddings!

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    Donna m

    Sadly, I know women who fantasized about having a baby so much (no man or wedding in sight) they bought baby furniture and baby clothes with out even having a boyfriend. These women were 19 and 20 so not anywhere near their biological clock running out of tic toc, just desperate enough to think a baby would = man and happiness. Neither ended up in happy relationships and both were accused of deliberately trying to fall pregnant. Sad.

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    Lu

    I have the Tiffany app on my phone too and I’ve been married 16 years! I just love playing with it.
    I always knew my bridesmaids would wear white (hello Pippa!) which they did, other than that I had no idea what I wanted beforehand.

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    amyintheworld

    I really never dreamed about a wedding… even when I got engaged! We’ve been engaged for more than a year and half (officially, that is, as we’ve been ‘unofficially’ engaged between the two of us since a month into our relationship!), and it’s only the last few months we’ve started planning. It’s small because we’re on a budget – my dress is being made by an online dressmaker, having the reception during the day at my in laws place, no more than 50 guests. Hoping to wing the entire thing (rings, dress, suit and all!) for under $5000. We’ve discussed not doing it at numerous times, but at the end of it all, we do want to celebrate it with our family and closest friends. And yes, I do want to wear a pretty dress too! I’m just happy spending $300 instead of $3000!

    I don’t think however, there’s any harm in daydreaming – so long as at the back of your mind, you know that it will involve your partner, not just your own desires, and that you keep in mind that the budget might not cover what you’re dreaming about. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming about a $50k ring or a $10k wedding dress, so long as you don’t seriously expect it when the time comes!!
    One of my fiance’s friends actually told him that she’s told her boyfriend she doesn’t want him to propose until he can afford the honeymoon she wants. This is an example of putting too much importance on the wrong thing. He was so shocked to hear her say this as well, as she’d never seemed the type to be this way. If she ever mentions it to me I won’t hesitate to mention to her that if that’s the kind of pressure she’s putting on her partner, she might never get married, and that her honeymoon might last a couple weeks, but her marriage is (meant to) last the rest of her life.
    If my fiance came to me this evening and told me he simply couldn’t handle the fuss, I’d be a little disappointed, but I’d still just grab a witness and go to town hall!

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    Laura

    I bought my wedding dress before I was engaged. Before I even knew I was getting engaged. I tentatively told my boyfriend of the time about it, he told me I should buy it and even went so far as to give me the deposit.

    Eight months later we were engaged.

    One year later, very happily married, and the sky has not fallen in yet.

    Sometimes a dress is just a dress :)

    I see no problem with pre-planning a wedding, as long as it’s the person you marry who is your focus.

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    Emma

    Honestly? I find the whole concept of weddings and getting married to be bizarre. Lots of my friends are getting engaged and married at the moment, and I have seen normally sane and resonable feminist women go bonkers for table settings, first dance songs and bouquet tossing. Marriage should be about the relationship, not the wedding.

    And on that note, as long as divorce exists, isn’t marriage kind of redunant anyway? Maybe this comes from being brought up by gay dads who have no interest in marrying even if they could, but I find the whole idea is odd. I can’t reconcile the women-as-chattle, women-as-incomplete-without-a-ring mentality in my head.

    I’m six months pregnant to my partner of five years, and have had at least 15 people ask me when we are going to get married and how he better make an honest woman of me now. One colleague told me that we should probably get married because my man would stray once I became a mum and not a girlfriend! I think having children together is a hell of a lot more committed than a ring and a piece of paper anyway!

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    Nico

    I thought the slideshow was going to be all bad bridesmaid dresses, and got worried when i started liking a couple of them!

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      Cinnamon

      Haha me too!

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      Ella

      I kept picturing the bride saying “I wanted them to have something they could wear again”

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        Nico

        I always thought that was a jokey phrase, until i recently became bridesmaid for a friend of mine and people keep telling me I can get the dress altered and wear it again! And I keep thinking…..it’s a long blue gown with diamante…I work in a uni in Penrith and go out in Newtown. Where would I be wearing it exactly? Lol.
        My mother doesn’t have the ‘bride gene’ and she passed that lack on to me, so it’s a whole new world :)

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    Miss B

    No matter how much we try to deny it…every girl is intrigued by weddings.
    My little cousin, who is 4, will only play out the story of Ken picking which Barbie he wants to marry.
    They go to the ball, he pops the question, and they walk down the aisle.
    I’m sure I played the exact same game at her age, but now as an independent, self-sufficient woman (who despite myself, is also drawn to crap TV shows about weddings and dresses and disasters at the reception) I was a little disturbed when we played this same story for the millionth time.

    Because on this day, while playing with my old Barbies with her at my parents’ house, there were 3 Kens. Many more Barbies.
    Some of the Barbies were a bit too well-loved, others still had their heads attached and limbs that weren’t drawn on in texta. Others were somewhere in between.

    So, she tells me, only three of these girls can go to the ball, because there are only three boys.

    But, I protest gently, why can’t they go to the balls by themselves and have fun? They could have a fun girls night together?

    The look of disdain I received was intense.

    Maybe it means something, Maybe it means society is moving backwards, not forwards, maybe it means she will only ever aspire to marriage and babies and never anything else.

    Or quite possibly, she is just a little girl doing what all other little girls do, because it is what we are taught to want, really.

    This is a fantastic article on why girls love weddings and princesses and why society wants us to.
    http://aww.ninemsn.com.au/news/inthemag/8377401/cinderella-ate-my-daughter

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      Anon on this

      Not that there is anything wrong to aspire to marriage and babies….right? For those who want it…hoorah! And for those who don’t…hoorah also! I think we should proudly be able to say, “I want to be a wife and mother first and foremost” just as much as any other lifestyle choice.

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        Nico

        Hoorah :)

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          Miss B

          Totally agree! I don’t think there’s any one thing everyone should aspire to….would make for a very boring world indeed!

          Hoorah for whatever makes each individual happy, I say!
          That was kinda my point…that while it is easy to get a little worried that the only game a 4-year-old wants to play is the marrying game, when you take a step back you realise it probably does not mean anything sinister.

          I just want her to know that she is so lucky in this day and age because she can do anything she wants, and the only option isn’t marriage and babies. But if that’s all she wants, all power to her.
          Hoorah!

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    Kathy W

    This is nothing new.

    I remember as a teenager in the 1970s looking on in absolute horror as my 13 year old best friend showed me her ‘glory box’ – a cedar chest full of glasses, crystal, tablecloths and towels. WTF??? My pre-pubescent brain couldn’t cope….and she was so proud of it all! Waiting for her prince…….

    Barf!

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      Nico

      My girlfriend’s mother had a ‘bottom drawer’ for her all through her childhood, and had planned her wedding from the moment she found out she was having a girl (she’s planned ours too!) Poor woman was determined not to see her daughter was the biggest tomboy around, and would rather jump off a cliff than wear a dress, bridal or otherwise

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    CJ

    I had a dream proposal and a beautiful ring, spent a while looking at magazines and dreaming of my wedding dress before settling into the longest engagement ever. He wanted to get married asap, didn’t care where, suggested we elope. I wanted the dream wedding (not big, but traditional) but since my parents weren’t in a position to pay and I’m estranged from my father anyway, that meant saving up to pay for it. Finally I left him for various reasons, including that I wasn’t ready to get married after being with him since my teens.

    Fast forward a few years and I was living in Australia with my boyfriend, on a sponsorship visa through my work and I got made redundant. I couldn’t apply for the de-facto partner visa as we hadn’t been living together for a year yet, but we had been looking at engagement rings and (I find out later), he was planning to propose properly on holiday in Bali a few months later.

    Work made me redundant and I had 28 days to find a way of staying or leave the country. BF said he couldn’t let me go so we got married in the celebrant’s garden (celebrant was a mate’s mum) with three witnesses, had some pics done on the beach by my cousin, had a meal in a hotel and stayed the night there, and I was wearing a $100 dress – the most expensive part of the wedding and carrying a $20 posy. The engagement ring got postponed but we have wedding rings. We hadn’t already booked the above-mentioned holiday but we booked it anyway as our honeymoon – we needed a release after the most stressful month ever!

    The plan was to save for a ‘proper’ wedding two years later but our baby got in the way of that. Now we reckon we’ll do it for our fifth or tenth anniversary. He says he’ll give me an engagement ring that day.

    It would’ve been lovely to have the dream wedding and a rock on my finger and I do sometimes feel a little bit robbed, but I remind myself (and others when they look at my hand and give me a pitying look) that he gave me something far better than a ring – he married me (and it was his suggestion, not mine) because he loved me so much he wanted me with him, he could’ve said, “OK, bye then”, but being on opposite sides of the world wasn’t an option.

    I’d had the dream proposal and the ring, but ultimately it was nothing because I didn’t want to be married to that person. I gave up all the fluff for the right person and now we have a beautiful daughter too.

    So I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can plan as much as you like in your head, but are you saving up for it too? If I’d had decent savings behind me and more time I couldn’t at least got my mum, sister and two brothers over here for it. In fact one of my brothers was backpacking on the other side of the country and he offered to fly here for the wedding but since we convinced ourselves we would do it properly in 2011 I told him to wait for that one. I do regret that now.

    If not, make sure your dad’s rich or your future fiancé is because you never know what life’s gonna throw at you!

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    Bryter

    If you’re into weddings and you get enjoyment from thinking about it, even if it’s in the distant, distant future, I say go for it with the daydreaming. Just don’t book anything. Or tell anyone you’ve booked anything! And be willing to throw everything out the window the minute you meet your husband-to-be. It’s much more fun to plan it together and compromise on both your tastes.

    True story: I had a friend who, from the age of five, was utterly obsessed with the notion of riding into her wedding on a horse through a forest. She ended up doing it. And was divorced less than two years later. She was way more in love with the idea of a wedding than the idea of marriage. And yes – she regrets the horse riding. And the forest. And the groom.

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    vanessayoung

    Don’t have an engagement ring, but have managed to stay married for over thirty years anyway. Thanks for the bridesmaid gallery, I could not believe some of them! A fair few people channeling Scarlett O’Hara, I think.

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    Mimi

    oh my!!! how horrible are those! so funny! would of hated to be a bridesmaid in the 80′s!!! was there any decent dresses back then?? some of them look like clothes i would of put on my barbies hahahah

    i was never one of those girls who dreamt about my wedding and wanted the whole princess bride thing….and i had the perfect wedding it was intimate and i wore a lovely dress from Alannah Hill and my engagement ring was from my grandmother it was about family and love and at the end of the day its celebrating that you have found this one person to spend the rest of your life with and its worth celebrating and each to their own if you want to do it big and grand why not!! your a very lucky person to have love like this and i feel blessed everyday to wakeup to my husband.

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    Elle

    Lucy darling you are not alone! I am 22, single with in boyfriend or crush prospects in sight..and have been planning the dress and ring for years. Pathetically I have just discovered the show Amsale Girls on Lifestyle You which indulges my dress and bridal fantasies..its such a weird girl thing isn’t it?! And yes I know it’s not the wedding but the marriage (Kim Kardashian taught us something…) but that won’t stop me from planning out my fantasy wedding!

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    Just Me

    Oh, Lucy – I understand the wedding love :) I have been married for years and still wish I had an excuse to buy wedding magazines (Real Wedding, total fave!)
    So, my advice to you is: Dinner Parties! Pick a theme, make people dress up pretty, do tables settings, the whole she-bang…and even better if people can bring some single friends so you get to meet the man that will share your love of lavish parties and entertaining :)
    Yes, weddings are but one day and don’t make a marriage – but jeez, they are a lot of fun and awesome to plan for! Just be sure when you do meet the one, you have a long engagement so that you can enjoy the process. Some women hate all of that, but I loved it, and being engaged was so much fun.

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    Unwedandhappy

    Oh dear….I feel sorry for those women. The most important part of any relationship is commitment through actions, not the wedding itself. Unhealthy obsessions like this are a nice recipe for women marrying for the sake of it because they ‘feel’ they need to be married rather than marrying for the right reasons. Sounds like a good recipe for divorce to me…

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    Bookie

    I don’t understand why so many people have the same dream for their wedding though. At the end of the day, a diamond engagement ring is pretty much the same as every other girl’s diamond engagement ring. Sure, you might have a different cut, band, whatever but it’s still so… the same. And the dress. White dress, probably long, probably strapless or with thin straps. Sure, different cuts, different types of white, but they are still ALL white dresses. Even wedding photos have a sameness quality – “meaningful” shots of the bride and groom gazing into each other’s eyes in some picturesque surround. When you know the real story is that the bride and groom are at their happiest when they’re laughing their guts out over a drink in a bar together, not standing together on a rock or under a tree in uncomfortable clothing. None of the weddings I’ve seen like these actually reflect the personalities of the couple. They are all just variations on a theme, probably a theme set and recycled by the wedding magazines of the world.

    The best wedding I’ve been to, by far, was one where the guy picked an engagement ring of emeralds because they matched her eyes. She got married in a red cocktail dress because it’s her favourite colour, he was in jeans because that’s how he feels most comfortable and happy. They had the whole thing in her parent’s backyard and they had amazing home-cooked tapas for the meal. Everyone brought their camera so their wedding photos were action shots, and showed exactly how much fun they were having and how much love was in the place. Nothing was forced or unnatural. It felt more like the couple than any of the other weddings I’ve been to. But it also made me realise how few people actually break the mould.

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      Noelle

      Great post!

      Weddings are almost repulsive to me because they’re always exactly the same. And people put so, so much effort and money into things that they think are unique and at the end of the day… it’s all the same. I mean, to the point where people would never even consider wearing an amazing red cocktail dress, because, of course, you HAVE to wear white.

      It makes me never want to get married. I mean, that, and the fact that there’s a 50% chance I’ll be divorced in a couple of years.

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        SomeoneDifferent

        You don’t *have* to, though!

        I wouldn’t let the fact that I’m not especially keen on poofy white dresses and first dances put me off weddings generally.

        If you want a funky coloured dress, a sausage sizzle, a casual day at the park, a fancy period-costume theme, or whatever: go for it! If you want to :)

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        Brooke

        But there’s nothing wrong with that. If a woman wants to have a typical white wedding, what’s stopping her? Yes, a lot of weddings are the same because it’s tradition. They’re not necessary, but yes, it’s what most girls long for. I, personally, will be wearing a white dress to my wedding, and I’ll enjoy it greatly, even if I’m not being a rebel and changing things. It may seem boring to you, but not everything has to be about being new and different…some people can enjoy and take pride in something that’s been done for many years.

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          Bryter

          Exactly. I get that traditions aren’t for everybody. But they are for some. So each to their own, I say. Funnily enough, some of the memorable parts of my wedding day were the traditions – i.e. my Dad giving me away, wearing a white dress, cutting the cake. But we had plenty of non-traditional elements to balance it all out.

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          Bookie

          I don’t think anyone was suggesting that everyone has to break the mould. I was just commenting on how few people do. I am questioning why so many women have nearly identical dreams for their own weddings. There is very little significant variation.
          You raise a good point about tradition, I’ve thought about that myself. I guess this is where the quesion of what your definition of tradition is. I see tradition as repeating actions because they hold meaning behind them – e.g. exchanging rings is a “physical” way to show you are dedicating yourselves to each other.
          However, the reason that ring should be a diamond doesn’t really hold much meaning. It’s just what most people do. So I see the action of exchanging rings as the tradition, the part that should be held on to. The fact that it has to be a diamond is just the popular choice, not the tradition.
          This is purely my interpretation. Of course it will be different for everybody.

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            Brooke

            Except saying things like ‘I wish more people would break the mould’ sort of puts a negative spin on tradition, even if it’s not the intention. I was trying to explain to you WHY so many women want the white dress wedding – it’s what we’re used to seeing, and it’s beautiful, and it’s something we see and want from when we’re very little. Nobody has to have that, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting it. A tradition doesn’t always have to have a special meaning behind it, although the better ones do. ;) Exchanging rings is a tradition, but diamond rings are tradition too. There’s nothing wrong with breaking tradition, but it’s just as acceptable to uphold it, too. I, personally wouldn’t care if I got another sort of ring, and it wasn’t diamond, but yes…I think that white weddings are beautiful, no matter how ‘overdone’.

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              Bookie

              Indeed. But I never said I wished more people would break the mould. I said lots of people don’t. I never said it was wrong to want the white wedding, I was commenting on how many people have almost identical dreams for their wedding. Its unusual. In most other areas – everyday fashion, birthday parties, even what furniture style you want in your house, there is a lot of variation in most people’s preferences. In weddings, there isn’t. I’m surprised by that and that was the point of my comment.
              Also, that is your definition of tradition. Not everyones. I made it pretty clear in my response that it was my interpretation too.

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      Sarah

      ZOMG this! For the someday-wives out there who are not into the ‘white wedding’ fantasy, http://offbeatbride.com/ will change your life. OBB gave me the confidence to have our wedding the way we wanted it, and not just the done thing.
      Don’t let people bully you into the white dress, roses everywhere, alternate-drop dinner in a function room if that’s not what you’re into. Being an offbeat bride means understanding that all brides should have a wedding that suits them – if that means a white dress, then awesome! But if that means a bright purple, black or orange dress instead, then go for it and rock it! Every wedding is beautiful because it’s an expression of love between partners.

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        melissasavage

        Even though I’m not having a very offbeat wedding, this is the only wedding blog I read.

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      Yeah!

      I SO hope I get a chance to ‘break the mould’ one day, as you say.

      I, too, am single – and I would LOVE to get married some day – but I definitely don’t want a cookie-cutter wedding.

      If I had it my way, I would cut out everything that means nothing to me. That includes an engagement ring, wedding band, white wedding dress, veil, bridesmaids, groomsmen, walking down the aisle (with or without my dad), wedding cake, fancy cars, overpriced photography, tossing of the bouquet… and I would prefer it to be in an un-religious setting.

      So, what the heck DO I want? Well, while I’m all for a low-key wedding, especially if you’re on a tight budget, I would still like to throw a bit of cash at my wedding. I’d like it to be in a really nice venue with yummy food and great entertainment. I’d like to wear a drop-dead gorgeous and glamorous dress – just not a wedding gown. I would like some professional photography, but not a package with all the bells and whistles. I would probably still have a cake, cars, flowers and a wedding ring – just not the traditional kind. For me, the most important part of the event would be the speeches. If I ever manage to find myself in a relationship worthy of a wedding, I will DEFINITELY have a few things to say about it! I also might do something special like make a video, sing a song or write a poem. I’d like my partner and perhaps my mum and/or dad to speak. And I would like this all captured by a videographer so I can enjoy it in years to come. If, later, some of my guests told me it was one of the best weddings they’d ever been to, that would be a huge bonus.

      Having said ALL that…

      I would add back in everything my partner wanted. After all, it’s not all about me! ;-)

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    Sasha

    Hahaha how fitting! I’m 21 and in a long term relationship but far, far off from getting married. Yesterday I went to a bridal expo for fun (hey, it was just down the street and I love weddings!) but after question after question of “so when’s the wedding?” and their puzzled looks when i explained there were no marital plans in the near future I can safely say- never again!!

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    borogirl

    I’m thinking more important to think about the marriage rather than the wedding. I enjoyed my wedding and it was a lovely day but it was one day. The rest of your life is so much more important and making sure you’re compatible with your partner is a much better start than making sure you have the perfect dress!

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    Susan

    Is it wrong that I can’t understand why people get married at all?

    If gay people can’t get married why would I want to?

    If they didn’t let gay people on the bus, I wouldn’t want to catch the bus….

    Maybe I’m just on a weird side issue that hasn’t got any relevence at all… Yeah, maybe.

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      picardie.girl

      It’s relevant, and I care, but at the same time… I can’t change gay marriage myself, and I don’t want to wait 10+ years for that to happen to marry. I don’t think it’s the same as catching the bus.

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        Susan

        TEN YEARS???

        I have this vision where everyone boycotts the wedding industry, placing financial pressure, costing the economy on politicians to get off their butt and do what 70 odd percent of people want…

        You may say I’m a dreamer…. It’s totally unrealistic, I know.

        (it would have been a great time now…. Now that the balance of power is theoretically Left leaning.. )

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          picardie.girl

          It’s a great vision… sadly I feel that it won’t happen though (the boycott, I mean, not gay marriage… that’s just a matter of time).

          What I don’t understand is why the government won’t do what the people want – isn’t that their job?

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          Kateateight

          Hi Susan

          I got married without knowing too much about the laws prohibiting gay marriage – and didn’t put much thought into it.

          A few years later it has become a hot topic and my husband and I agree – we wish we knew then, what we know now and we wouldn’t get married until EVERYONE could.

          I would be more than happy to make that protest – but I think most people wouldn’t be, and so I think it is just a pipe dream… sigh…

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        melissasavage

        Yikes! 10 years. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s marriage equality before my wedding in September. If not by then, within 2 years.

        Well that’s what I’m hoping, to assuage my guilt.

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          picardie.girl

          That would be great. Here’s hoping, Melissa!

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      Unwedandhappy

      I understand where your coming from Susan. My partner and I feel no urge to get married. We’re just as committed to each other as our married friends. House, car, dog and thinking of trying for a baby later this year. Marriage feels like a fairly irrelevant institution to me considering the rate of divorce. I know my partner is committed to me through his actions every day and for me that’s enough. If times got tough we’d fight to sort any issues out just the way a married couple would, so getting married wouldn’t give me any further ‘security’ in my relationship.

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    Kim

    A wedding is just one day a marriage is (hopefully) forever.

    I’ve seen some of my friends become so obsessed with having a wedding that they “forget” that they will be married. I’ve seen friends gloss over major problems in the relationships because they are caught up in their own wedding hysteria.

    I will never get married/have a wedding. I hate most thing about weddings and have never had any desire to have a wedding. Even if I had any desire to be married I wouldn’t do it until there is marriage equality.

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      Kim

      Not at all, just stating my opinion.

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        Noelle

        Kim, when stating your honest opinion on MM, one is often accused of being jealous, ‘grumpy’, judgemental etc. Because clearly the opinions we have are not truly our opinions, they’re just a reflection of us being pissed off about something deeper – like, say, being desperately alone and single.

        Word to the wise.

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      Emma

      I agree 100%.

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    Anon for today

    I was this girl to an extent. While I didn’t go as far as buying a dress or even bridal mags, I did spend hours looking online at all things wedding (mainly dresses).

    I hate to say this, but in the end I was really disappointed with our wedding. There was nothing wrong with it, it was lovely, but after all the years of building it up it couldn’t live up to the expectations I had set for myself. I look back now and wish I had picked different hair, a different dress, a different photographer. I wish I had felt differently, because I thought it would feel euphoric, but it was just another (very nice) day.

    If I’m honest with myself, I probably wouldn’t do things differently even if I could do it all again. And yet I still go to other people’s weddings and get depressed that it’s all over for me, and I’ll never get to pick a wedding dress, or a venue, or flowers ever again. I spent years thinking about how it would feel to walk up the aisle, and it felt nothing like I expected and was over in 20 seconds.

    I’m not trying to put a downer on this post, but I really wish someone had told me to step away from the computer all those years ago. It probably would have made me appreciate my own wedding so much more.