Catherine
by CATHERINE RODIE BLAGG
I met my husband at a house party in Coogee in March 2008. I took a shine to him immediately. He had a sparkle in his eye that I couldn’t resist, so when I discovered he was single I did my best to flutter my eyelashes and flash my best smile in his direction.
The next day he was in my head. Every time my mind wandered, there he was. His cheeky smile, his deep brown eyes… his shiny head (I’d never fancied a baldy before). And so, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I figured I had nothing to lose… so I asked him out. I sent him a carefully crafted message and hoped he would remember me. How could he not?
An undisclosed number of weeks later, I arrived at my husband’s apartment for dinner. That’s what he thought anyway. I had other plans. If he had known what was on my mind he probably wouldn’t have spent so long preparing such an impressive meal.
Seriously, Mum… if you’re still reading… STEP AWAY FROM THE IPAD…
I made my move. He responded, with enthusiasm. We moved somewhere “more comfortable”. We got to know each other better. It got pretty steamy. It was good. And we never did eat that meal.
‘Seriously, Mum… if you’re still reading…’
In the early months of our relationship we spent a considerable amount of time in the bedroom (and occasionally, the kitchen floor). We were frequently late for social appointments. We were inseparable. We were insatiable. We were… at it…like bunnies.
Those were the days. Before we had children. When sex was spontaneous. When we (pretty much) always felt like it. When it was effortless. The sad, sad truth is that our sex life has become a little…what’s the word?… Dull? Sparse? Pathetic?
It’s just that… we’re so bloody tired. We’re pushing three years of pretty serious sleep deprivation, and despite our best efforts to get it on, all we really want to do is nod off.
Sleep is our highest priority and as a result our once highly active sex life has slowed down, put its feet up, draped a blanket round its weary shoulders and got stuck into a mug of cocoa.
We’ve had to let go of the notion that sex needs to be spontaneous, gone are the days that we could languish between the sheets for hours on end. Family routine has replaced romance and like everything else in our lives… sex needs to be planned in advance!
We know that there is no point waiting till we’re in the mood… we just have to, well, get on with it…
I know (hope) this is just a phase. One day in the not too distant future (please, god) we will rekindle the passion of those early months.
But in the meantime, we’re having an early night… we’ll get cosy under the covers, we’ll share a little kiss… and before we know it… we’ll be… fast… asleep.
Catherine Rodie Blagg lives in Sydney with her husband and two small daughters. In her free time she writes a humorous and honest blog about the challenges of modern motherhood. She drinks an alarming amount of tea. Find her Twitter here, her Facebook here and her blog here.
Have you had a long relationship where the sex has waned over time? What did you do?
133 Comments so far
It’s only 10.30am and already things on here are getting poisonous… so sad.
Please – stay on topic! I feel sorry for the writer, Catherine, as this is not the kind of commenting she anticipated. * Thankfully I see poisonous comments are getting removed now, thanks MM *
To the ones on here that have been calling each other tramps, hoes, sluts or whatever and telling other women to be classy or behave like ladies (eg replies to Shazza)… your own behaviour is less than commendable, and you yourselves are not being ladylike.
It is a disgrace how women hate each other. Men do not do this to themselves. Stop bringing each other down.
Let’s all stop being judgemental – people have been lashing out online rather than enjoying the “happy lives” they keep banging on about that are supposed to be so much better than everyone else’s. We all make different choices, and usually do the best we can in life. Just accept that and get on with it.
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Thankyou Thevoice. I dont understand why women have a problem with the fact I was sexually aggressive, took the lead, and the outcome has been 10 wonderful years together.
As for those making snide remarks about my morals and worse still, my husband. He is the Business Development manager of a Renewable Energy company, and I, by training, am a social worker. I’d say we both chose ethically sound professions. The insinuation that we must both be without morals based on one simple comment is ridiculous.
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Really telling a stranger you want to fuck them. Of course people upon hearing you say that will judge Shazza.
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Personally yesterday and todays thread on this post have been the funniest I have read in a very long time. What a kak..
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This story sounds similar to my husband and I. I too miss the days of spontaneity! Two kids later, a brother in law whom lives with us, work etc kills the romance a lot in our small home. How the hell do you get a brother in law babysat?
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Surprise him – take all your clothes off to She’s My Cherry Pie. Failing that (but… how could that fail?) … find more creative uses for organic demi-sel butter.
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And never sleep with them on the first night!
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I slept with my husband the first night and its still great 16 years later.
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I slept with my hubby first night. I actually picked him up with the line “Fancy a f$#%”? Been together a decade.
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Charming !
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22 years here, since the first night…
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Never ever ask a man out!
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Well, not only did I approach him, we went straight to bed. 22 years and counting.
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I went through this when the kids were young, I couldnt stand to be touched, particularly on the boobs, I think somewhere in my head they went from being fun to functional for the kids and it took a while before they become fun again. Things started to get back on track but the spontaneity was gone and it was still a bit dull.Then I started reading “mummy porn”, beginning with 50 shades which was ok, then Kristen Ashley etc, well now, whoo !!!! I cant keep my hands off my husband, we are back doing things that we did before the kids and stuff we’ve never tried before, its hot and heavy and we are sneaking off every chance we get. It may not work for everyone but it did for me.
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I can so relate to this…. but 4 weeks ago (yes 4!!) my husband broke his leg so we’re back to the ‘pre-50 Shades’ days…. but it’s only temporary!
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After having our 2 kids the sex wound down, but I have to say that ABC4kids on the weekend mornings has been our savior! That’s our time; doors closed, kids entertained and most importantly enough energy to get something started! They are engrossed in Peppa Pig ( has anyone else noticed father Pigs fallic face btw?! ) and we have time for each other. Its a wonderful start to the weekend, and the pressure is off for both of us.
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I just searched for an image (via Google) of Peppa Pig’s father. You are so right – very phallic! Ha ha ha
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For the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would want to publicly discuss the state of their sex life on a blog read by thousands of people! That’s just me though. Viva la difference I guess!
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Why not? It’s a most interesting topic, and sex/uality is a part of most peoples lives. These conversations are important, as evidenced by the comments below.
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I agree. And I hope her hubby and all his friends are not reading it!
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Yes how embarrassing.
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I think it’s so important! It makes women feel normal when they realise other women are going through similar stuff. Rather than everyone pretending they live like Stepford wives when you and I both know they don’t. Sex is something that people notoriously lie about when it comes to how much they are having. It’s normal to go through a drought and I think it’s important we talk about it!
We aren’t foxy sex-crazed minxes all of the time so why not admit it?
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Catherine I think you should get rid of any grandma undies, invest in some sexy knickers, stop drinking tea and make yourself some cocktails, apply some make up, highlights through your hair and watch things start to progress.
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Tiredness is an issue. And I cannot forsee being refreshed and well rested for some time to come (kids do that to you). Stress, from work and home is an issue. Lack of child free time is an issue. Everything just gets in the way of sex and it’s put on the back burner until one of you breaks.
When you have kids you have to make sex a priority. Obviously sick children, working enough to feed them etc… are all important in the family relationship, but so is sex. It releases the great hormones that keep you feeling good towards the other person. Make sex a priority (no that doesn’t mean suffering through it to make your partner happy , after all you are a sexual creature too).
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Absolutely, tiredness is just an excuse, turn off the tv and turn on your husband, get some sexy undies have a drink together and then go for it. Sexual arousal is all in your mind, think sexy and it will happen, and yes I have a stressful full time job, two young kids and a house to look after but I still find plenty of time to get freaky with my husband.
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I agree that marriage can be a deeply unsexy institution at times. Young kids can drain every last ounce of spark out of you. Also no one tells you but marriage is mostly about negotiating your way through forests of trivia each and every day which does nothing for the libido.
http://mum-abulous.com/2012/07/30/trivia-they-dont-tell-you-about-marriage/
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Oh god, articles like this make me so depressed!! I was with my ex partner for 6 years and we were still like rabbits until we broke up (for non-sexual reasons). I’ve been with my current partner for three years and we cannot get enough of each other, any time of the day. We both have extremely high sex drives and our sex is phenomenal. Please don’t tell me that this will run out completely one day!! Then what do I do?? Will I just not want sex any more? Or just not with the same person?
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20 + years. still hasn’t run dry. don’t worry. if you pay attention to it, it will continue.
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It depends – age and life stage are definitely factors (you sound kid-less?), how old are you if I may ask?
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I’m 27 with no kids. Maybe it’s the kids that do it? Thank you both for replying and Anon, I hope I end up like you!!
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My partner and I met in 2006 and we were rabbits, too. By 2008, we were still rabbits. In 2009, we had our first child. She slept about as much as we had sex (rarely and sporadically), but when we DID do it, I still loved it. And I still WANTED to do it. But early this year, we had baby number two, and my libido is now well and truly M.I.A.There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, after two vaginal births, things are not what they once were down there, if you know what i mean. I feel very self conscious about this, and have some “re-building” to do. Secondly, I’m breastfeeding, so I feel like less of a prize catch and more a prize cow. So not sexy. And thirdly, I hate my post baby body – specifically, my belly, which I know will never be the same. But regardless of this, I really need to do some cardio to help me deflate. So for all these reasons, when I go to bed, sex is the last thing I feel like. But I really want to get things back on track. I know we’ll never be rabbits again, but I’d just a like a good, healthy sex life where both parties are willing participants, once or twice a week. That’s my goal!
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once or twice a week is a good goal.
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A good wax, buy some lovely new knickers, a few days of slicking on body lotion, light a few candles, get some music on, go to bed early – might help?
If you make a little time to take care of yourself, you might feel more into it and up for it?
Surely HARDY EVER doing it is worse for both of you than doing it a couple of times a week (albeit with a little less body confidence).
This is your current body and lifestyle – try and embrace it – it may actually work in reverse order and motivate you in the gym? I am sure your husband understands that your body had produced two miracles and won’t be the same as when you met. Have you talked about it?
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Hang in there, it’ll come back once the kids are more self sufficient.
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For me the best way to feel in the mood is to feel like I’m sexy. Get connected to your body and to your sexiness by yourself, and then you’ll be wanting to involve your partner. Start doing a bootcamp or intense pilates three times a week, so you start really engaging with your body again, and aware of all your muscles and strength. Get a wax, wear make up, wash your hair and wear sexy underwear. Once you’re doing those things you’ll start to feel sexier and better about yourself, because you’re actually paying attention to your physical self again. THEN you’ll want to share this new you with your partner.
That’s what works for me anyway. If I’m hairy, wearing ugly knickers or feel bloated from eating all the ice-cream in the world (which tends to be my daily goal) I don’t feel sexy at all, so I don’t want my partner anywhere near me. When I do the above however, I feel like a beautiful nympho, and then I act like it to. Get involved!
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When my partner and I met in 2006, we were “rabbits” too. We were still rabbits in 2008. In 2009, we had our first child, who slept about as much as we then had sex (very little), due to tiredness, but I really enjoyed it when we did. Then we had our second baby earlier this year and several factors mean my once healthy libido is on the wane, big time. Two vaginal births means my ahem, lady parts are NOT what they once were. I’ve got some work to do in that department. It makes me feel extremely unsexy, as does the belly paunch I’m starting to think I’ll never lose. Breastfeeding also makes me feel like a prize cow rather than a prize catch. Add to that constant weariness (my son still wants a feed 2 to 3 times a night) and yep, sex is the last thing I want to do when I go to bed. I desperately hope this feeling changes, as we once had a really good thing going on … When I look back at our sex life 6 years ago, it’s alarming how much things have changed! But I really want to get it back to, well, not what it was, but at least GOOD, and healthy.
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So many woman living like this , so sad. The last time I was intimate with my husband of 33 years ws 2 years ago and that broke a 2 year drought. We sleep in separate rooms now and it feels like I’m in a share house . He knows how I feel we have done all the talk, touch councilong. I think it’s over for us but at 53 don’t think there would be much chance of finding an attentive horny good man. Oh and it’s not financial I’m the only one working.
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Gem – you’re throwing in the towel at 53? What will you do for the next 35 years – wait to get into a nursing home?! Your comment makes me quite sad. 53 is young, and there are plenty of randy bastards out there!
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We had a baby and things slowed waaaaay down. I started to feel worried. I said to my husband ‘we just have to do it’, made moves, etc. Then finally he told me he didn’t want to. At all. That he didn’t think he felt that way about me anymore (in love I mean).
And I said WTF?! And am still saying it. I feel sad and humiliated.
Now I don’t know if we will ever recover as a couple.
Sorry for this very depressing comment! Next one will be more positive, I promise.
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How long ago did you have the baby? Is it that he is overtired? Overstressed? I can understand how you would feel. I am sorry that you are going through this with your partner.
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So sorry Jess… that’s just awful. Not surprising that this post has raised stories like this. Just know you are not alone. I hope it works out for you. x
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I commented below, but the comment didn’t show.
Just wanted to say I completely understand and am in a similar situation. I just want to sleep and rest and sleep. But still as often as possible I get over myself and do something nice and surprising. Seriously it’s nothing special or extravagant but for example I go to bed naked and when my husband comes to bed tadaa what a surprise. Or put on some nice underwear(I have only a couple of sets, but that’s enough), or candle light in the lounge room. Just little things to put the spark back into the everyday life and be reminded of the passion that we have for each other even though everyday life comes in its way.
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See a doctor. Your horomone levels may be out of whack.
Also, you say you snore – is that due to being overweight (sorry for being nosey)? If so, losing weight will magically bring back your libido. I’m serious! I lost 15kg a few years ago and bingo, sex drive back – (just not attracted to my husband but that’s a whole other box of hair). It’s something to do with exercise and rising testosterone.
Good luck xxx
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My libido is missing. I’ve looked everywhere for it, even behind the couch, but it’s just not there. Poor husband. Also compounding the problem is my sleep apnea and snoring, so we don’t even sleep in the same bed. I’d happily not have sex again, but I feel terrible for my husband. We probably haven’t had sex in 6 months
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Ready some mummy porn, get some sexy nickers,and go for it, its all in the mind, think sexy, be sexy.
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Here’s the bad news…it will never be like it was in those first falling in love days. But the good news is this is just a phase and it will get better. In fact, my experience has been that the sex is better now than it ever was.
We’ve been together 15 years, have a small child (who is now sleeping well) and for me, there is an intimacy that comes knowing someone for all that time, which is very different from that first falling in love phase. It’s meant I’ve been able to open up and relax and subsequently enjoy sex like never before.
We’re still not bunnies, sometimes it’s once or twice a week, then sometimes once a fortnight depending on what’s going on in our lives, but the ‘sessions’ we have now are better than anything we had in those early days. I’ve gone from wondering how long it will take when not in the mood to wanting to jump him and losing complete track of the time!
The difference? Me! Whether it was losing all my inhibitions after having a child or to finally just realising there was so much more to it that I wasn’t getting out of it, something finally clicked. And I should add that I’ve always loved and adored my partner. God bless him, he’s a very patient man
The other thing has been recognising myself as a sexual person. I now love a good read that includes some steamy scenes and realise that a healthy fantasy life can lead to great things…
Would it be fair to say that far too often we’re led to believe that we should be swept off our feet e.g. the Cindrella/Prince Charming story. When in reality we should take more responsibility and take charge?
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March 17. That’s the last time i had sex with my husband. I am sad about it, but feel better having read your brave article. Thank you.
Same old excuses. Kids. Tired. Working. Passing ships in the night. I miss the. Communication that comes from having a close sexual relationship.
Feel sad that I feel guilty about how little sex we have, wonder whether my husband still fancies me, and all of the other things that play on my mind. Lots of “what if?” scenarios. He doesn’t seem too fussed that it’s not happening, and I wonder whether the brother/sister relationship we have at the moment is what lays ahead for us?
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not that I am an expert, but how about if you surprised him one night with something like asking him to come to bed(earlier than usual, so before too tired), then you wait for him in bed naked(covered for the surprise effect), it might just spark some passion.
this is what I do every now and then. my husband often falls asleep on the couch, but if I am naked in bed, he is right awake!
Yes we are tired too, very often, still I miss those doing-nothing-else-other-than-having-sex-days, so this is good enough for now.
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One sure way to get your hubby, who may or may not be indifferent to sex if you’re not feeling it, is to go to bed before him, masturbate for a little while so you are “in the mood” and lay there naked and playing and allow him to walk in on you doing so (have a bedside lamp on softly).
Moaning for best effect!
I’ve done this quite a few times with hubby and he’s ALWAYS gone for it.
Either that or wake yourself in the middle of the night and just start playing with him. That will allow you to get him in the mood before he’s even properly awake!
Never fails!
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I read a fantastic article recently that summed up the solution perfectly….just do it.
Yep, Just say yes – even when you don’t really (or at all) feel like it. Just like any of life’s pleasures, the less you have it, the less you end up craving it. So just put on something sexy before u jump in to bed and just do it. You will find that you actually enjoy it and you will wonder why you waited so long – every time. It really easy that easy – just say yes, ladies!
I have two kids under 4 and when I can be bothered taking this advice, I am grateful I did. Unfortunately for my hubby, I can only be bothered taking this advice about once a week (or fortnight) but hey, that’s when the old ‘quality not quantity’ theory comes in….
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This is so true! Yet still, my husband and I (married 8 yrs) only do it once a month or two… It’s pretty much always really good and I wonder why we do it so infrequently? But last time I was really tired and forced myself, and it was awesome!
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No offence to anyone but i HATE the impression that men are always up for sex. That makes me more of a failure when we arent in sync and hes saying no to me.
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totally agree!! We don’t even have kids – we are young and healthy and I am CONSTANTLY getting the ‘not tonight’ brushoff. And its not like i’m sitting there in old t-shirts, no matter what I try, he is rarely interested more than once every two weeks or so. I miss the first few months – the ‘rabbit’ stage…
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Your not the only one I promise!
I find it so frustrating. Culture tells us the husband is always supposed to be “up for it”. Im only 1 year into marriage and discovering this is not true!
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After we had our 3rd child I made a commitment to myself to have sex at least 3 times a week as I could see it could easily get lost in the busyness of life. I didn’t need to inform my husband of this pact as he is always up for it lol.
Best thing I ever did!
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After 15 years together I have resorted to finding ways to satisfy myself.
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This may not apply to anyone here but I know some women who were running out of time and got pregnant to guys they weren’t really in to, just becasue there was nobody else around. They wanted the sperm and the salary and now they have no interest in him. I say that as a woman with female friends who are in this position.It’s better than not having a child at all, even though it sounds callous. We’s all love to be in love but we’re not all that lucky.
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Catherine. You might get a chuckle out of this.
http://destinationhereandnow.com/2012/08/20/in-which-she-sneaks-away-with-a-dozen-oysters-and-goes-in-search-of-a-happy-ending/
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It comes back! My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12 an have 3 kids. Our youngest is 3. Over the last 6 months we have gotten it back in a big way! Not sure which one of us started it but I am loving it! We can’t get enough of each other and it is fantastic. It’s not only sex though it’s holding hands on the couch, hugs and kisses and taking the time for each other. 12 months ago we were lucky to kiss on the cheek once a week cause we were both so tired!
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Lucky you! I’m pretty confident that we’ll get it back too
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Oh Bec, you give me hope!!!! At the moment it us once a week and it is often a real effort, tho good when it occurs. I just wish I spontaneously felt like it. Also so miss the PDAs n cuddles on the couch. It feels like we are ‘ Team Parent’ not a couple. Lovely to hear that the joy n spark can come back!!
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OMG …….that sounds like my life! Together 20 yrs..married 13….3 kids and our sex life is amazing now. Something just clicks…and it is bloody fantastic !
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It’s not just kids. You can have a sexless relationship with no kids. We haven’t had sex for (6?) years but stick together perhaps by default, because it’s cosy and it’s so hard out there. I’ve tried to meet other guys but it never totally works out. I’ve had a sexual relationship (in the open) in a break from this but in terms of emotional intimacy and committment and day to day husbandry it just wasn’t there. It’s good to have a solid boyfriend who’ll do the family stuff, the odd jobs, the sick visits, the cuddles even if there is no sex. It seems to me, you can have one or the other, a lover or a best friend, but not both together.
I also had a steamy sexual relationship with a guy years ago who said that he knows it’s not good, but the fact is that many men crave novelty, they need fresh horses. And girlfriends just become like sisters you want to protect, and when that happens, you don’t want to have sex with them. It is the madonna whore complex. I was the new w/horse in that realtionship, but in the current one I’m the (bored) madonna.
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Rosemary,
I’m glad you mention the madonna/whore complex. These are the men any self respecting woman will run a mile from. Yet they can be impossible to pick until the kids are conceived.
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@Sex-less,
I am wondering if your husband is on medication for depression?
If so, one of the devastating side effects of antidepressants can be loss of sexual function. Unfortunately I experience this firsthand but I try to make an effort at least once a week (which is probably not often enough) as I understand my husband has needs. If it was just me on my own I could quite happily live without sex for the rest of my life
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In this situation, the “mistress” is more likely to be DEPRESSION than anything else. A sad fact of modern life.
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Just out of interest, what about those who DONT have kids?
I was with a man for 5 years and by the end it was once a week or less,mostly because i wanted it. I broke up with him because although he loved me,he couldnt be there in a range of ways i needed. True we both got promotions and had more responsabilities but it felt like he didnt want me.curious for others perspective!
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My husband and I have been together for 15 years. The first 9 years of our relationship were without kids and certainly had peaks and troughs, and these were definately impacted by work (usually mine – way too many hours this too tired to function, let alone have sex!). Now our kids are a little older (the youngest is 3), we are getting back to where we were pre-kids as far as passion goes!
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Yes it can totally wane in a non marriage no kids relationship.
The worst thing is like you said, you feel unwanted and unloved and undesired.
You can’t have a deep intimacy without sex.
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So… Married for 18 years, 3 kids, sex life a challenge. As the mna in the relationship, I have found it kind of frustrating. I read a piece once that suggested that we schedule sex for one night a week, say, Tuesday, bit my wife thought would be too much performance pressure. So instead she suggested that we ensure that we never go longer than a week between shags. Since it can take a couple of days to work up to it it, if we get to day five and no sign of sex, then I have the right to a gentle nudge, like : “er… Its been five days.” And leave it there.
Works really well to align expectations.
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I read similar advice form a sex therapist years ago and it really made sense .. she sense you just have to get used to the idea that scheduling sex is okay, and that in fact, consistently, the people who have sex more often over the longest period of time are those who do … her advice was that you mutually agree agree on a minimum number of times per week that you both accept and – most importantly – both stick to regardless. Anything above and beyond is considered a bonus!!
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Yes, I’ve heard about that too – but what if your partner actually physically repulses you? You may love them, but not be attracted. How can it be okay to grit your teeth and submit when there is zero physical attraction?
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If your partner physically repulses you then you need to be fair to both of you and break up with him.
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Or discuss it with him!
Communicate why you’re no longer attracted – often comfort (dressing, eating, living) overtakes the desire to look good for your partner. If it’s something that can’t be resolved then yes, consider leaving or making other arrangements!
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I just wrote a comment in reply to Sex-less and it seems to have disappeared!! Gah it was really long too boooo too lazy to write it again
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Thanks anyway…
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Ok I’ll try again…take two! I am a regular commenter on here but have changed my name for this one.
Basically what I was saying was that I can totally relate to everything you’re saying the main difference being that I don’t have kids and I’ve only been married for 5 years! It hasn’t been as long for me as it has for you; I think the last time I had sex was about two months ago. We generally do it about once a month, although often it’s more like once every two months. If we do it two weeks in a row then that’s a REALLY good two weeks. But so unusual as it rarely happens. I know this isn’t the same as 3 years but remember that we don’t have any children at all and it’s only been 5 years!!
Like you, we never had a rampant sex life and it was always less ‘busy’ than with past boyfriends. LIke you, my husband doesn’t seem to inititate it and most nights just seems much happier to go to sleep. Like you, it’s the so-called ‘elephant in the room’ that we never talk about. Like you, I feel that my husband and I are more like brother and sister and I don’t feel as attracted to him as I used to. Like you, I feel strange and embarrassed when friends talk about how much sex they are having and, in particular, how much their boyfriends/husbands want sex.
I think you may have mentioned that your husband has suffered from depression and mine suffers from depression and anxiety on and off too. I’m sure this has something to do with his lack of sex drive.
I also wonder whether a relationship can survive with no or very little sex. I wonder if we are rarely having sex now, what will it be like after another 5 years or after we have children? Although somehow I don’t think children are on the agenda considering the lack of sex!!
Anyway, it’s nice to know other women are in the same boat. Thanks for your comment, I feel like we have something in common
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Thanks so much of re-posting – a big effort! We were exactly the same at about the same stage… before we have kids. I’ve often thought it was amazing that I got pregnant three times and relatively easily!
I agree, the depression and anxiety plays a big part. It’s also hard to feel attracted to someone that is always depressed or anxious or generally unwell (like my husband is too).
You could try counselling – especially if there’s depression and anxiety going on? I think this would have worked for us at the same stage you are at.
Always good to know you’re not alone… if you look further up a my original post, someone has posted a link for an online support group which you may want to look at!
Good luck! xx
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Yes I think with me the problem is not that he’s not physically attractive (as he is a very good looking man) but that the depression and anxiety can make him seem unattractive to me. . That sounds AWFUL, I know, but his moods are VERY up and down; he can be in a great mood one minute then something might trigger a real low. when he’s in the grips of depression he is also very negative and angry at the world. He’s depressed thus has no sex drive and I feel unattracted to a depressed person which thus kills my sex drive too.
He is already seeing a counsellor for his depression and anxiety issues relating to his bad childhood. Thanks for the advice, I think I will speak to him tonight and arrange for us to go along to counselling together. Good luck with everything x
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Thanks SIS – I’m a regular poster here too but using a different alias… feeling very sneaky. I’m also very quickly deleting any reply post alerts that come into my inbox so my husband doesn’t see them! Hope it all works out for you x
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Once kids come along I believe it’s all about quality not quantity. I’ll take one really good long session in bed where you have time for extended foreplay and cuddling after, about once a month (totally planned and scheduled with in-laws or friends to babysit for a few hours) than a five minute quickie hoping to god the kids don’t wake up.
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Omg Catherine you just described my life and the past 5 years with my now hubby.
We met in ’07 and now have 2 young boys and yep our sex life has definitely gotten a lot less exciting since our kids came on the scene!
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I think a specific date night is a great idea, takeaway, wine, candles and getting to bed early so youre not to tired. Even setting up a picnic on the living room floor after the kids are in bed, leave the washing, the dishes and any chores til morning, they will still be waiting for you then. A bit of effort or romance can do wonders for the daily grind.
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Date nights are good however good to vary the day or there becomes an expectation, usually on the male’s side, that can create pressure for the female to perform!
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Only too happy to perform! Happy for a few times on weekends but he’s the one who puts a lid on once a day!
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Tell me about it!!! I would do it 100 times a day but he just doesn’t have that kind of sex drive….
I get really sick of hearing that it’s always the other way around.
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Me too!
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Ditto!!!
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Catherine ‘pathetic’ is a word I’d use too – although I should say ‘non-existent’.
I haven’t had sex with my husband for more than three years since I was pregnant with our third child. We’ve been together 17 years.
We never actually had a rampant sex life… somehow we were still together but we were never as ‘busy’ in the bedroom as I had been with my previous partners. It was always pretty ‘occasional’ anyway but now it’s non-existent. I’m not sure if a relationship can survive without sex – I don’t know if we’ll ever get it back. It’s almost like we’re in a brother/sister arrangement now than husband/wife.
I think the attraction has gone – he has put on weight and doesn’t come across as all that sexy anymore. He just doesn’t seem interested which is strange for a guy… even if he was I’m not sure I would be anyway as I’m just not that attracted to him in that way anymore.
It is like the elephant in the room – something we NEVER talk about. I even get a little uncomfortable if there’s a sexy scene when we’re watching a movie.
I have not told anyone about this. It’s embarrassing. I feel like there’s no one else out there that has this problem. When ever girlfriends and I talk about sex I avoid the subject as everyone else seems to have it so regularly (well anything would be regular compared to us!).
We have been to couples therapy before and we were told we should have it more often but that was it.
So is there any other couple out there like this? Or just us?
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You are describing my life before divorce, right down to the getting embarrassed about a sexy scene in a movie.
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This is what really worries me Kathy…
I’m sorry you had to go through divorce. I do think about that option sometimes but then I can’t help but thinking it is not a good enough reason to get divorced – everything else is pretty good and we are raising three kids together.
I also think though that if we didn’t have children that we may well not be together… that’s a tough one.
Do you have children Kathy? If you don’t mind me asking…
Certainly not making judgements on anyone who has divorced for this reason – as I said, I’ve definitely thought about that option when wondering if I’ll ever get to have sex again but then I just feel a bit selfish (again – not making judgements on others!).
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Does your husband have a history of depression Sex-less? If you don’t mind me prying?
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Yes Shazza, actually he does and various physical ailments too. His depression is under control at the moment though but that doesn’t seem to make any difference.
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Yes, our sons were 9 and 4 at the time of our separation.
I tried to re-engage with him (see post below) but it was seriously at the point of no return. There were other issues, but good sex and feeling physically attracted to partners are strong glue in a relationship.
I still see him, as our sons are now 16 and 12, and I feel nothing except a fondness you’d feel for an old friend.
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Thanks for sharing Kathy… sorry it didn’t work out for you. I’m not convinced it will work out for us either but it’s heartening to know we’re not the only ones! I hope things are good for you now…
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I often wish I had tried harder – but I think things would have limped along for a few more years and we would have divorced anyway.
It would have been way harder to divorce with our sons at this age, than younger when they are more adaptable to change. Teenagers don’t cope very well with divorce.
I had a six year relationship with someone else which was fiery and passionate – everything my marriage wasn’t. It was good to know that I am a sexual person, I do enjoy sex and someone else enjoyed having it with me!
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My marriage to a T. Same non passion in the beginning exactly! We talk about it a bit, he promises to change, I promise to nag less. I would seriously be happy with once a month. Still 12 years on, its still a massive issue. We have other contributing issues (depression etc) but the fact is its still a relatively sexless marriage.
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Wow… so we’re definitely not the only ones. Maybe we should start Sex-less anonymous! Interesting there is a common thread of depression going on (my husband has battled depression on and off and has OCD).
Hope things work out for you….
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I promise you are not alone. Have a look at the website experienceproject.com and look at the group titled “I live in a sexless marriage” or just google this phrase. This group is very forthright and supportive. I know just how you feel. Good luck…
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Wow! Thank you so much! I will check it out for sure (when my kids aren’t looking over my shoulder!). Really appreciate you sharing that with me. It is nice to know I’m not alone.
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http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332 You are most welcome for the link. The group apparently has 30,695 members on Experience Project, so I hope that is further comfort that you are not alone. Just be prepared for some very active members of the group, who are of the belief that divorce is the only answer. But either way, they’ll get you thinking and give you much support. XO
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Thanks again
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It’s really important to talk. Open those floodgates – it’s probably something that he’s thought a lot about himself and he may be relieved when you brig it up.
My bf and I had a similar sort of situation and it was only by addressing it head-on and being totally honest with each other that we were able to come out the other side. Things still aren’t perfect but they are 1000x better!
Best of luck in confronting that elephant in the room. xx
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You’re so right – I often think we may be beyond that and we have tried talking in the past but I think we’ve slipped into a massive rut called ‘denial’! It’s good advice though and I know I should make more effort to talk. Thanks for your support. x
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Some men just are not talkers. I tried to talk but it felt awkward, embarrassing and ridiculous. The elephant in the room had grown far too large!
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You have described my sexless life exactly. I think people assume that if a couple doesn’t have sex it’s the woman who doesn’t want to – relieved to know I am not the only one in this situation.
I wish I could leave as the prospect of intimacy with someone who genuinely wants me seems better than the prospect of never having sex again.
We have a son with a disability – I honestly couldn’t afford to leave financially or emotionally for the kids sake.
Sex-less & others in sexless situations – what do you tell your friends when the topic of sex is discussed??
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If the topic of ‘how often do you have sex’ comes up with girlfriends I usually say ‘not often enough!’ and have a bit of a laugh and then try to change the subject or avoid the conversation. I think a lot of people think they’d like it more so it’s not an unusual thing to say – I’m too embarrassed to say ‘never’ though.
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You only met in 2008 and you’re already married with 2 kids? Geez, you don’t muck about!!
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Was thinking the same goose!
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Are you serious? They’ve been together four years – not six months.
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Yes I am serious! Although it wasn’t meant as a negative comment, I think it’s cool. But I was genuinely surprised! In my circle, people usually date for a couple of years, then move in for a couple of years, then get married and make a conscious decision to just “be married” for a couple of years before trying for kids. I can genuinely say not one of my friends have got married and had two kids within 4 years of meeting someone.
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and we haven’t even got to the getting married stage!
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This is me! Right down to the meeting in 2008 and 2 kids and wedding later this year… Don’t worry Catherine, our sex life is the same. And GOD, I wish it wasn’t. But anytime after 7pm I’m a basket case and the last thing I feel like is sex. A date night feels forced with sexual expectation and both he and I hated the lack of spontaneity. It’s not for lack of wanting – my husband-to-be is so sexy to me still. Is this sex-life after kids?! Arrghhh!
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The author, Catherine, admitted they were ‘at it’ like bunnies. Is it any surprise that they have two children?
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After 11 years together and 3 kids I’m often more interested in sleep / slumping, then a funny thing happened after I watched Disney’s Tarzan (yes, a cartoon) the other day with the kids … All muscles and loin cloth, the Sunday morning tap on the shoulder was a welcome disturbance for a change ..
Anyone else have any funny stirrings??
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Me 4 sure .. Lately I m loving it .. M in my dirty 30s with 2 kids ..sex life has never been better with my husband of 11 years..
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Haha, for sure, Breaking Bad gets me every time
And I love Bryan Cranston but he’s not always attractive in it, yet somehow still sexy ! PS. Love your name @Phantom
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My hubby and I have been married for nearly 8 years and I can agree that it is pretty easy to fall into the sleep trap. Ever since our daughter came into the picture I’m constantly tired, hubby is too – he works full time. I’m usually in bed long before him and fast asleep when he does come to bed.
Our spontaneous moments occur in the middle of the night. I usually get woken up in a very nice way………..
This way it’s a little more exciting than planning. Some might say that we miss out on sleep, but I can tell you now that we usually sleep better afterwards! Of course sometimes I simply can’t be bother and pretend to be dead to the world, but I always end up regretting it and not sleeping very well anyway
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Just want to say how candid of you to write about your sex life with your husband in this way. It’s not something I think I could manage – putting myself ‘out there’. Thanks for sharing.
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MM – are the comment gremlins at work again? I’ve posted this and it never appeared.
Anyway, please do all you can to rescue your relationship. My sex life died and we ended up divorced. You can reach the point of no return. Don’t do this. Try what works for you – I tried the ‘weekend away at a B&B while mum minded the kids’ and it was a disaster. I just got drunk because I didn’t want to be naked around my husband of 13 years. That’s the point of no return.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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Thanks for the tip – I will have a check up!
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We have separate families/homes, although in a long term relationship. When we are together at night, we are often too tired or have children around and so we can go for months without connecting on the closest level!
Sadly, as I get older, I am 50, I am OK with this and feel like my libido has gone. I of course feel guilty and wish I could be more of a ‘sex bomb’ for him!Am I the only one? What can I do? Mummy porn hasn’t motivated me (I’ve already done it all!)
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Bewildd. have you had your hormone levels checked?
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Thanks for the tip – I will make an appointment to get hormones checked!
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Oh that made me laugh, this is us! We have to make a decision to have sex, go to bed early and get into it. Where the spontaneity!?! If we don’t know, like you said it just falls on the wayside of needing sleep. Last weekend for the first time in ages we were spontaneous and starting messing around midafternoon when both kids were in bed only (of course) to hear a little voice at the other side of the door saying “mummy, wheres my water”. Ha ha.
Do you know Flight of the Conchords song “It’s business time”? If not, listen to it.
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You’re right, Kerr. Everyone needs to see Business Time … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqZcYPEszN8
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lol, funniest nz boys ever, all their songs are gold
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Us too! Business time is hilarious, my husband and I watched it together and couldn’t stop laughing. We figure (hope?) it’s a phase while we have young kids who don’t sleep well!
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I come bearing good news. Hubby and I are coming up for a decade together, and have three kids. Two small ones, who each have Aspergers, and the younger one who is 3 has had sleep and behavioural issues since birth. We have been in some dark places as a couple due to stress and sleeplessness. Then just recently, my interest piqued by all the ‘mummy porn ‘ articles, I read some erotica (something Ive never considered previously as I have some fairly anti porn views) and va va voom, suddenly I am as toey as a roman sandal. And our sex life is the best it’s ever been, and more adventurous than I thought I was capable of at 42
So yes, things can get better. It’s about finding the right motivator. Rather than feeling pressure to go through the motions, which usually leads to pretty mediocre action, find something that inspires you and turns you on. And get your freak on!!
Best of luck.
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It’s a bit too late for my relationship ( it sailed a couple of months ago) but recently I read 50 shade (sorry to bring it up) A friend gave it to me.
I remembered I had a sex drive. Before I was someone’s mum and someone’s partner (hhmph, partner is not the right word- still a tad mad), I was quite into the raunchy stuff. Reading something erotic reminded me I have another side just had to unbury her from domesticity.
Pity the next person who catches my eye;)
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Zoe, that’s the same impact it had on me. I hate the clumsy prose, the repetition, the stalker bullshit etc, but it did light up up something in me that had previously lay dormant.
Lucky man that catches your eye next I say
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Toey as a roman sandal- love it!!!
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I am glad to hear it!
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This IS a phase. I’ve got 3 kids, and each time it’s taken a bit longer to get my mojo back. It comes back eventually, once you start getting more sleep. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I think there’s a lot of people out there who talk their sex life up, but in reality they are just like the rest of us! The way I see it is, things can’t be the same as they were when you first met. Relationships are constantly evolving, and changing. This happens to be the stage you’re in at the moment.
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