MM Challenge: Which 3 words best describe your sex life.

In my old life, I spoke about sex on a daily basis. Often several times a day. Usually in groups of women. Kinky, huh? Actually, it was pretty dull. If not dull then….standard. When you have to churn out sealed sections faster than hot dinners (in my case this was almost actually true) then you get a little blase.

Perhaps this is why sex hasn’t been discussed all that much here on Mamamia since I began this website in 2007. Whenever I do post about sex, the response is enthusiastic. Because if there’s one thing women like almost as much if not more than having sex? It’s discussing it. Dissecting it. Analysing how we feel about it, why we do it and why we don’t. How we’d like to more or less. All that.

So the time has come for Mamamia to appoint a dedicated sex writer. Note that I called her a sex writer, not a sex expert nor a sex therapist. She is not specifically qualified so I could just as easily have called her a sex doer which, I’m reliably informed, she is. She has three children so there’s your proof right there. However what Kerri Sackville is is a much loved regular contributor to MM who also has her own blog and writes with humour and honesty about her life. A life in which many of us can recognise ourselves.

So from time to time, starting today, Kerri is going to discuss sex. Let’s roll…..

Okay, so I’m not really a sex therapist. But I do have a background in counselling. And I do have sex. So that will have to do.

The other day I received a letter:

“Dear Kerri,  I have been with my partner for 10 years and don’t feel  like having sex with him very often. It’s not that he’s not attractive, and it’s not that I don’t like sex. It’s just not as exciting as watching TV, or eating ice cream. You know?”

Signed,

Not-Interested-In-Sex”

Okay, so I didn’t really receive that letter. Why would anyone write to me about their sex problems? Also, if you noticed, there wasn’t really a question in there (“You know?” is actually rhetorical). But even though that letter wasn’t real, I can still relate. As, no doubt, can you.

Now, usually at this point the therapist offers a personal disclosure, to demonstrate to the reader that they are a human being just like them – only, presumably, wiser and worthy of payment. For example: “My husband and I didn’t have sex for six months after our daughter was born” or “When I have sex with my husband I fantasize about Oprah Winfrey”.

However, I’m not a real therapist, so I’m not going to.

What I am going to say, however, is that having sex with the same person your whole adult life is challenging. Very challenging. (I was going to say “hard”, but decided against it.) Sex, one might say, is like ice cream – if you like ice cream. I love ice cream. Passionately. I could eat it most days.  Not every day of the week, but frequently. The thing is, though, I don’t want the same flavour all the time. Some days I crave chocolate. Some days vanilla. Some days butter pecan. And some days, rocky road, but only rarely, because I don’t really like marshmallows and now we’re getting off the track.

The point is, when you’re married, you can only have one flavour, all of the time. And no gadgets, no lingerie, no pole dancing, no DVDs, are going to make you feel like chocolate when you’re really craving rum and raisin (and yes, now I’m mixing metaphors, but I’m sure you know what I mean).

So in the end, what it really all boils down to is imagination. Now, no doubt you’re usually happy with your partner just the way he is (using ‘usually’ in the sense of ‘mostly’, ‘sometimes’ or ‘not very often, really’, depending on your circumstance). But for those times you’re longing for a different flavour, you can just use your mind. And your mind is a truly powerful tool. You can close your eyes and your brown-haired, clean shaven, conservative husband can instantly become blonde, bearded, bad-assed, broad or Simon Baker – or… er… so I hear. You can give him tattoos, make him grow or shrink, or pierce his eyebrow. You can turn him into a barista, a barrister, a business man, a surgeon, a fighter pilot, or an underworld bikie. You can make him Italian, Swedish, Russian, Irish, Moroccan or French (in fact, I often do make my husband speak with a French accent, but as that’s a personal disclosure, I’m not going to tell you).

So friends, use your imagination. Make your man be whoever you want him to be, at that particular moment.

And if all else fails, bring the ice cream into bed. Works every time.

Or… er… so I hear.

If you have any questions about sex or need any advice and you think Kerri can help you – just drop her a line at info@mamamia.com.au – don’t forget to put “for Kerri” in the subject.  And also don’t forget that Kerri is not a qualified therapist and although she will make you laugh she cannot provide legitimate sex therapy. (You can also follow Kerri on Twitter here and visit her blog, Life And Other Crises, here.)

And while you’re thinking about all that – how about you sum up your sex life in three words.  Part of a new Mamamia initiative.  The three word challenge – just three words to sum it all up….my go…not sharing online (see – 3 words)

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