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Forget about Sex and the City. You don’t need to live anywhere near the CBD. There are some women in the ‘burbs who are just as romantically active as their city friends and it has nothing to do with being a Desperate Housewife.
I met ‘Anna’ at a mutual friend’s lingerie party and, after a few drinks and an hour bonding over a shared fascination with the late American novelist Richard Brautigan, she let it slip that she was married to a man called Jeff and also has a boyfriend called Jeff. The 36-year old mother of two said Jeff Husband stopped sleeping with her when their youngest son was born seven years ago.
“He just stopped thinking of me as a sexual being, only as a mother. He moved into the spare room when our son came home from hospital, and he just never returned to our bedroom,” said Anna.
Anna and I made plans to meet for a coffee a week later and she told me she did something ‘really stupid.’ She accidentally sent a loving SMS to Jeff Husband, intended for Jeff Boyfriend and, that night, her husband came home with flowers. And so she accidentally reignited her marriage. Yet, ever a quick thinker, Anna managed to persuade her husband she sent the SMS when she was having a bipolar episode.
I thought Anna was unique until I met ‘Melanie’ via our sons’ love of chess. We quickly became friends and, as I got to know her, I discovered how busy the 42 year old work-from-home mother really is; conducting not one but two affairs with stay-at-home Dads from her kids’ school. She’s only having ‘all the way’ sex with Dad 1 but she’s really fallen deeply in love with Dad 2.
“But I’ve come up with a no-penetration rule with Dad 2. We do everything but intercourse. I couldn’t live with myself going all the way with two men in the same week,” she confided.
In fact, Melanie claims one night she had a heavy ‘make-out session’ with Dad 2 and then, when she got home after midnight, her husband pounced on her.
“So I had foreplay with my boyfriend, followed by sex with my husband,” said Melanie.
As a freelance journalist, I recently interviewed ‘Caroline’, a petite 38 year old blond who’s married with three kids, about issues related to childhood bullying. Mid-interview, she felt comfortable enough with me to confess she enjoys a double life with a mechanic after meeting on E-Harmony.
“Luckily he only lives nearby so he comes over on his lunchbreaks for sex. It’s nothing seedy. We even have moments, mostly when we’re drinking, when we talk about leaving our families and shacking up together. But it’s not a conversation we’ve ever had sober,” said Caroline.
Caroline claims she still loves her husband, ‘in a way.’ What way? “As the father of my children. Plus, we have a long history together. We’ve been together 22 years. But sex with him is just awful.”
Dana is another fan of ‘school dads’ and claims three men have confessed their undying love for her in the past twelve months. I first Dana met her at a local playground when her 4 year old poured her water bottle over my baby’s head. Dana is incredibly pretty, in a Cameron Diaz way, but doesn’t believe her good looks play a part in the seduction.
“They fall for me because I pay them attention. That’s something they don’t get from their wives,” said Dana.
Dana is married to a TV producer and has no intention of leaving him. But, she admits she couldn’t stay in her loveless, sexless marriage if it wasn’t for her brigade of love-lorn daddies.
Oh, and one of her boyfriends is her son’s football coach, another is the father of her son’s best friend. They bump into each other at the local Woolworths, rugby games, bookshop, pub and, one time – she even indulged in fifteen minutes of sex in her car behind the local Thai restaurant. So far, her secret is safe.
“Nobody would ever think I was the kind of person to cheat. But I lie so much about what I’m doing and where I’m going, it’s as easy for me as breathing,” said Dana.
Bettina Arndt recently wrote about married women having zero interest in sex. Clearly this isn’t always the case – some women are just trying to recapture the romance of their youth and indulging in dangerous liaisons. But in the world of Sex and the Suburbs, what would these married mothers do if their whole house of cards came crashing spectacularly on their heads?
“What happens, happens. If I get caught, at least it will force me to deal with my situation head on. I’m not proud of myself right now but I’m so unhappy, these men feel like a life raft,” said Melanie.
LJ Charleston is a has-been TV Reporter, freelance journalist, author of crime novel Light Sweet Crude and upcoming book The Mommy Mafia. She’s currently writing a book Sex and the Suburbs after interviewing dozens of sexually busy women. Find her website here.
Sex in the suburbs? Is it really happening? You can choose to comment anonymously if you wish – just make sure you are logged out and not commenting through Facebook.
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207 Comments so far
My family are white collar, comfortable middle class (just putting that in because whenever I tell my story people think my mum must have been a drug addict or struggling in some way or some other excuse) My mum had affairs when she was married to my dad – he eventually clued on and left her when I was nine. One of my earliest childhood memories is overhearing my dad talk on the phone about seeing my mums car at his friends house instead of work. Confusing for a nine year old. After they divorced she wanted him back but he was done so she’s hated him ever since. Then when I was 18, I discovered (running into her in a seaside town where I was with my boyfriend) her cheating on my step dad (with whom she had a 6 month old child). I didn’t say a work until he found out a year later. It made me despise her, despise myself for a little while. She left my step dad for this other man and denied the affair (which had been on for 3 years already), cut off all contact for 18 months. When he was discovered to be a gambling addict she came crawling back to my stepdad and they are now together. I love them both but resent them for the HUGE amount of damage that was done to our family. I think people who have affairs are selfish, reckless and thoughtless. I am now married with 2 children and the one positive from my experience is that I know I would LEAVE before I caused more emotional damage to my children (I’m not saying people don’t make mistakes but a long affair or serious affair is plain disrespectful and disgusting). As a child of a woman trying to ‘find herself’ I say grow up, accept responsibility and put your children first.
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I have a very loving husband and a really hot boyfriend / lover that my husband has met. My husband too has a girlfriend. We started out swinging with other couples but it didn’t quite turn out how we wanted. Getting four compatible couples was near on impossible. We met a particular couple and the husband and I had an immediate attraction to one another. With the blessing from our mutual partners, we now see each other every week or so. People can say what they want but I believe we as humans were not built to be monogamous. My husband of 14 years and together for 17 still have an amazing sex life and share the intimate details of each others encounters and use them as a turn on for each other. My lover is amazing and in the short time together have had some amazing times together. We have set boundaries with each of our partners that we all agree on particular acts that won’t be performed and kept sacred for our own partners. We have discussed emotional attachment issues but agree its about having mates with benefits…yes a fuck buddy! I have no desire to change my marital status, nor do the others involved. Sex in the suburbs, or in our case the small country town is alive and well! Im having my cake and eating it too with a very hot guy!
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I know it’s been said before but this post and the myriad of women chiming in with their own tales of betrayal really just make me sick. As a single 30-something who would dearly love to find a kind man and start a family, I truly do not understand the selfishness and the dishonesty involved here. It disgusts me. I’m not interested in hearing sob stories about how much hard work and complexity is involved in being married. I’m sure it is not worth my timing appealing to the better nature of these people but I’ll try – please take a moment to consider and be thankful for the many and varied blessings in your life and stop grasping at instant gratification. Take care of your children and try talking to your husband.
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Ditto.
I call it surburban mayhem.
Why can’t our generation just be happy? Content, maybe? Why do we seem hell bent on destroying, or at the bare minimum over-complicating, the very things that I’m sure we should be trying our darnedest to appreciate. These things might not always make us happy, but maybe they could, sometimes, if we only stopped expecting so much of ourselves and others.
It makes me feel like an idiot for thinking I might just luck in and find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and vice versa.
And don’t get me wrong. Some relationships aren’t great and are not worth persevering with. But please, end those, before you start another. I can’t see how anyone wins in these situations … in the long run.
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Oh my goodness. I’ve only read up to about half-way through Anna’s story about the two dads and I’ve just had to stop reading.
I also think its very sad. And also how on earth do they have the energy to conduct affairs. I can’t even muster up any “self-love” and I have a 14 month-old.
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This post saddens me. I think alot of people make excuses and believe their own BS. I am judgeing you, and so will the courts if your behaviour leads to divorce. And so would you if I came along and tried to get your husband into bed. “How to halve your assests and break your family without even trying” That’s the game you’re playing.
I thought we were all supposed to be too busy these days anyway. Who has time for an affair? All that time sitting on the fence admiring the greener grass could be spent improving your own relationship.
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Its so true, they all do believe their own BS. The people I know who have cheated are all narcisists. They choose not to see their wives and childrens suffering because all they want to see is that the whole broken family is happier because they are happier with their new love who tore the family apart.
You ask the men: how are the kids? They’re happy, they understand.
You ask the women: how are the kids? They’re devastated and cant understand why daddy has been so mean.
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I’m sorry, dinner party rules be damned for this one – you women who cheat with someone else’s husband make me sick – I only hope that one day someone cheats on you and causes you pain, and then maybe you’ll realise the destruction you’ve caused.
Sound harse? Guess what, the truth hurts. My husband cheated on me, shortly after we married. He broke my heart, threw my life into chaos, hurt me soo badly that at the time suicide seemed like a good option. And throughout it all, maintained that sometimes stuff just happens.
So, you ask, why isn’t my anger just at him, he made the marriage vows right? True, but the thing that makes it worse is that the woman he cheated with not only knew he was married, she knew me…
Here’s the thing ladies, a marriage is made for 2 – not 3. If your not happy in your marriage, then leave it, don’t cheat. And if you’re interested in a married man, then ask him to leave his wife before you get involved. Despite what you may think, or what he may tell you, you actually have no idea what is going on in someone elses marriage, so stay the bloody hell out of it.
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I am so sorry for what happened to you. I know of 6 marriages that have ended this year all for the same reason. The men have cheated and then left their wives and children for the other woman. I honestly, for the life of me, dont know what these other women were thinking. Do they honestly think it will be different for them? How can they believe that a man who chases another woman while married and with kids, will stay with her once normal day to day life kicks in, and the relationship is more than just the cheeky bit on the side. The husbands all justify it by saying they have fallen in love and they will all be happier for it in the end. That may be worthy of respect if they left their marriage first. And often these poor wives will have no clue that their husband considers their marriage to be in trouble until after she finds out about the other woman. But when I think about these cheating men and women and the wives and children whose lives they have torn apart simply because they have no self control, all I can hope for is karma.
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I Hope they all get caught and face consequences…
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After the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is over, any relationship requires effort, commitment and respect from both sides to be sustainable. Affairs might be a bit of excitement or a distraction from the “mundane” life you share with your partner but the fact is the affair will go stale too and you’ll then have to seek out something else. I love the saying “if the grass looks greener on the other side, water your side”. Think long and hard about how an affair might impact your boring life – divorce, custody battle, having to explain an STI, property division …….
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Cheating is cowardly and selfish. What’s all this “don’t judge” business? Is cheating ever okay? I don’t think it is. If your marriage is not working then get out of it. Or fix it. If you want to have sex with other people you shouldn’t be married (or have an open marriage if that’s your style). And who do these people think they’re kidding? It’s clearly not that much of a secret if they’re telling people they’ve just met about it. They aren’t being as clever as they think they are.
My mother cheated on my father when I was 6 and that ended very badly. I knew it was happening despite her best efforts to hide it and had to deal with that. I knew it was wrong but I didn’t want to get her into trouble. That all ended in a horrible and messy dirvorce and I haven’t seen my mother since (she remarried and had more kids and he didnt want us around. Neither did she apparently). Can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if she had worked through their problems or just left rather than cheat. My father was devastated and is still not totally over it.
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This is so sad.
I can understand the excitement that would come with these affairs but how selfish to choose excitement for yourself over the love and trust your partner has for you. These people are truely selfish.
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oh so true
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in five years time they’ll be wondering why their lives got to shit and how hey got there, Playing victim as they are now. nothing courageous or admirable about these women. Wonder how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
They’ll get found out cheaters always do.
One of my favourite quotes
“Everyone tries to define this thing called Character. It’s not hard. Character is doing what’s right when nobody’s looking.” – JC Watts
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To have an affair you just need a pulse and be willing. You don’t have to be attractive or intelligent. There are opportunities out there all the time. I would say all people that have affairs are actively looking for them. It doesn’t just ‘happen’.
I have seen the absolute anguish and heart break that affairs cause. It’s such a cruel thing to do to your husband/wife – someone you supposedly love and care about.
Put the effort into your marriage. Tell your partner that your marriage is in danger. Raise the red flag. Discuss. Plan action – date night/ trip to an adult shop (online?) to buy something to spice it up. Reminisce about why you fell in love and what made/makes you love each other.
If none of that works, then separate. Then seek out another relationship. It’s called having integrity and respect for yourself and your family.
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So totally agree with you 100%
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I love this article. Thank you Mamamia! I identify with most of the women in the article. The fact is, marriage is complicated. Family is complicated and when you add children to the mix it’s even harder.
I am a woman who is married with 3 kids and has (for a better term?…) a cyber lover. We met on line (in a word game!) and while I did originally initiate, it has turned into the most wonderful relationship – probably of my life.
I married young. Had no life experience, other than that of my husband (who is many years older). Everything changed after our first child…I was no longer the sexy young wife he had married, but rather a vomit machine who had no interest in sex. Anyhow…I have stuck around to make it work but without going in to too much detail, I feel broken by my marriage.
I don’t expect anyone to understand why I haven’t left, but right now I feel like the luckiest girl alive in the relationship I have with ‘the other man’. I am head over heels for him. He is single, but knows I am married and is able to accept the limited relationship we have. I absolutely adore him, and thankfully the feeling is mutual.
Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.
Nothing much more to say than that!
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I’m sorry, but It is your problem that you have no life experience, and you choose to have 3 children even after you were a ‘vomit machine’ after your first. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but personally I just feel very sorry for you. Have some dignity and end your marriage if you feel so broken. When we have issues it is our responsibility to look at ourselves as mature adults and assess what is best for us and the health and wellbeing of our children. I very highly doubt this includes taking a lover.
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I suspect The Constant Reader isn’t that interested in your sympathy as she seems to have found herself in a spot that makes her happy. I wonder, although I can’t possibly know, if being a happier person is making her a better wife and mum. I love these articles where people say “remember your marriage vows!” Well what about his vows – to love, honour and obey. What about when he stops wanting intimacy with her and won’t discuss? This is a scenario many many men face. So what then, she should spend the rest of her life without sex because … well…anything else would be a betrayal. So the alternative is leave him and the kids! Of course, a great alternative! I’m sure the kids will love that outcome. Personally I think there is a certain courage in putting the kids first and putting their needs above ones own. If one party to a marriage is failing to meet their marital commitments and refusing to negotiate then the only reasonable expectation is that the other party will take matters into their own hands. Some would say it is enevitable that the affair will be found out. Millions of affairs go undetected. The only damage done by them is to the pysche of the person having the affair – if they let it.
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“The only damage done by them is to the psyche of the person having the affair” – ARE YOU SERIOUS? I have seen first hand the damage of an affair and I will tell you what, it doesn’t just damage the poor person getting a bit on the side- ‘my heart bleeds for them’….it destroys families, it destroys the innocent party, it destroys children and communities. If one party is failing to make the commitments of the other spouse, then tell them, tell them you are basically so desperate that you are willing to go and find someone else to satisfy your needs. If your partner doesn’t care after that, then leave!! At the end of the day cheating is not the answer and never will be. It is always better to leave with dignity, then to become something you will despise. These people need to get some self respect.
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Dellusional, I specifically made that reference about the many affairs that go undetected. As they are undetected then the many references to damage that you make don’t happen. Of course if the affair is detected then the impact can be significant to a whole range of other individuals. I told my partner that if she ever had a one night stand, and felt terrible about it, don’t come and tell me about it! What am I going to do? Get angry, fight, maybe get even? How will that benefit the kids? My point is, you had the affair, now you wear the guilt. Now if she doesn’t feel any guilt, and continues the affair, well, as long as I don’t know, I am never hurt, am I? Have I no self respect? Well actually I think I have plenty. My ego is not anchored to other peoples behaviour. I actually think The Constant Reader is being very honest and actually kind of heroic. The affair is cyber, so it is an extension of porn. She loves her hubby and is saving him pain. She loves her kids and is staying with them and making herself happy, so that she can be a better mum for them. Let me check your solution again – of yes, split the marriage and completely screw up the kids lives. Great answer!
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I really appreciate your comment needshelp. Not a single person here knows the full context of my story. People get married for a variety of reasons and stay married for many other reasons. I am tired of the hypocrisy here. I would like to point out that fantasising about having sex with another person while you are in the throws of having sex with your partner in my books is also cheating. I am even more annoyed at my fellow MM’s who have maintained their anonymity to voice their disgust at me. I am a member of this online community and I did really expect more. Stupid me! Next time I will remember to hide behind anon too.
Not that I am after anyone’s sympathy nor do I expect it, but I want to set the record straight: I married for love and wanted to be the best wife and mother I could be. I adore my children and don’t believe they need to be involved in a divorce just because their dad couldn’t keep it in his pants while I was pregnant. I actually believe they will respect me for staying with him for their sake, and I am positive they will forgive me for having an online relationship with a man who has bought so much joy into my life. And yes…I have become a much better mother since my relationship with my lover commenced. I am finally once again feeling respected and loved. Isn’t that what we all want?
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I am totally with you Constant Reader. Relationships change over time and sometimes you can love a person without wanting the same things they want. Of course not everyone is happy to work through these issues and certainly would not be happy to have an open marriage. In my book you are only doing wrong if you are hurting someone. If your cyber affair is never discovered, and you partner in crime (or should I say on line) is happy – well, to me at least, you have done no wrong.
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nothing more to say than…its still cheating. Leave or be faithful to your vows. Simple really. Life is complicated, but even a kid can understand the marriage vows you made.
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I don’t judge you at all. Being married can be hard work and complicated and draining. As we grow and our lives change it is sometimes hard to remain together emotionally and physically. Separation and divorce are drastic measures. I understand why people stay together and remain committed to their families but at the same time seek to fill a void or meet a need through an association with others. Be safe.
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Thanks Lil. I really appreciate your comment. xxx
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I’m sorry you feel broken by your marriage but do you really think that cheating is the answer? I’m so sick of people saying they stick around in loveless marriages “for the kids” when I can tell you with 100% certainty that your kids would rather you be separated and happy then married and not. I know that people think they can hide these things from their children but they can’t. They know.
I don’t want to be mean here but I can’t NOT judge you for what you are doing. I think you need to make your choice and stick to it. It certainly doesn’t sound like you should still be married so maybe it’s time to get a backbone and leave.
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I have to admit that if this all sounds a little shocking to me and makes me feel a little sick. I think it’s mainly thinking about the woman having the affair with the friend’s Dad and the coach. All so close to home and ready to go pear shaped at any second, poor kid.
I also agree it’s too easy to judge others. You can’t really predict how your life or relationship will pan out but it seems there’s not a lot of thought given to their children. If you’re going to cheat at least try to cheat outside of your social circle.
When I was a fresh graduate and I landed my first contract teaching at a school in the last term of the year, there was this one year 7 teacher who was very pretty and seemed really lovely yet everyone seemed to just hate her. I could never figure out why. Nobody ever actually said anything specific about her they seemed to just hate her guts and were very cold towards her. At the end of the year I ended up finding out that she (who was married with no children) had been caught twice having sex by the cleaners with another teacher who was acting deputy principal at the time. Sadly, he was also married at the time with 2 young daughters in year 1 and 3 at the same school. It was very upsetting to watch unfold. The poor little girls. The whole school community ended up finding out. She ended up getting an office job with the department and he got transferred to a nearby school. Another disturbing thing about the whole situation was that nobody seemed to treat him the way they treated her. Everybody was still chummy chummy with him but maybe it was because he was acting DP.
A year or so later I found her marriage had stayed intact but his dissolved.
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So true, need to think about the kids! how would these people feel if their partners had cheated on them?
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So true……..no EVER treats the guy badly. Only women get called names.
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This article and some of the comments have really upset me; don’t get me wrong I’m not naïve, I know cheating occurs but to this extent? Hell, I have trouble keeping up with one partner let alone a husband, kids and two boyfriends?!
The thing I most regret in my life is cheating on my year 8 boyfriend because I wasn’t ‘man’ enough to end the teen-romance… That was nearly 10 years ago – but I’m still upset at my actions!
Honestly what I don’t understand is how anyone can regularly lie and deceive their partner – I can’t even keep a surprise secret from my partner of 7 years…
Still left thinking why, why, why?
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All I can say is never say never!!!!!
2 years ago I would have said the same as most on this article…it is immoral, how could they….but then it happened to me..it was unplanned but felt good..and still does. My story is different in that I have a fantastic sex life with my husband…it is the monogomy that is killing me. I had never been with anyone before him and I couldn’t help but wonder!
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Wait until you get caught, it wont feel so good then. My partner did this for the exact same reasons as you. When your husband finds out about your secret…and he will at some stage it’s just a matter of time until you slip up….you will be in a world of pain. The therapy sessions, potential impending divorce, and the families you will tear apart are not worth your momentary happiness. It is trauma like you can not understand. If you don’t want to end up in my partners position then I suggest you end your affair now, or leave your husband and run around. Don’t go ruining peoples lives for your own selfish reasons.
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Hope you are getting regular STD tests.
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This kind of made me sad TBH. I really feel for the partners who are non the wiser. I know we dont live in a perfect world, but the actions of these people can have serious side effects on the families….what about the kids?
I just feel like if u are that unhappy in a relationship, either deal with it or get out, cheating isnt a way of coping with staying in the relationship!
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I hope they get caught!
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Is this article for real? Maybe I am totally nieve but it sounds like a “story” more than real life.
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Yeah – where can I get me some of that hot action?
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I can see how ‘easy’ it would be for a male…to encroach on another SAHM
At my previous address a very handsome male neighbour father of 2 under 6 made himself ‘familiar’ to me in a very seemingly friendly way at first, waving hi, stopping to chat about nothing, then letting his daughter come over for a short play. when he came to collect her, rather than stand at the front door when I went to get her from the backyard, he followed me in and waited in the kitchen, attempting to make chat etc. From then he would be near my garage when he saw me going out, he would come out of his house as I was leaving mine
just little things, seemingly meaningless
nothing ever happened, but my husband worked away lots for business back then, and he knew that as was always asking about our plans etc. He invited husband to weekly drinks at the local pub with a few other neighbours, I was never invited though, nor was I interested.
my point is, I felt he was like someone who was lonely and looking for attention ( his wife was somewhat uptight and stressed anytime I met her) but he should NEVER have been entering the home of someone he barely knew, a mother of 2 young kids who is home alone most of the day. He should have always waited at the front door. Am I being unreasonable, or is this just normal? it didnt FEEL right!!
I just felt that he was about to step things up, felt quite uncomfortable at his behaviour, but he was charming and soooo attractive. Really hot.
so my point is, I can see how easily it would be. I enjoyed the fact that he paid me attention, that someone so good looking would find me of interest ( I had PND after birth of bub 2)
I wonder who he is ‘befriending’ now.
Glad to have moved now (overseas) and so glad I stuck to my vows with my husband, which even though I rarely see him because he is working all the hours to provide for us, we are ‘morally’ on the same page where trust is expected and respected between us.
society seems to be rife with it
sad
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Why didn’t you tell him to wait at the front door? If it doesn’t feel right then do something to stop it!
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I don’t think there’s any concrete rules about whether or not he should be coming into the house of someone he barely knows.
If you felt uncomfortable, that’s your gut telling you something, and you should listen to it.
Don’t question yourself or your feelings, only you can gauge how a person or situation makes YOU feel.
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I don’t think there’s anything odd about him coming inside. His daughter was in your house. If you don’t know him well enough to let him in your house, why were you looking after his child?
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His daughter came over to play because she played outside often with my son, it’s what kids do!
Kids are kids, if they are neighbours, they are curious and they tend to play together.
Was I supposed to have said, no you cant play with my son, because your dad is a bit creepy?
I dont expect any man to come right into my house uninvited when it is CLEAR I am home alone looking after my family. End of.
But guess what, maybe it’s just better manners to wait at the front door (manners being the general set of invisible rules that guide human behaviour and help human beings to show respect to one another)
Also, maybe if people had more manners or respect then infidelity wouldnt be as popular
who knows
so glad we moved away
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Maybe he was just being friendly because…well you were neighbours?
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Nope sorry as a single thirty something besides the wanting to get married and have kids that i struggle with daily is the knowledge that i have been tricked and flat out lied to by married men. It made me feel even worse about my self and i wasn’t knowingly doing anything wrong and when i did find out and put a stop to it i was called a tease who knew what she was doing. So no as my BFF says “shit or get off the pot”. Make up a decision and go with it this fence sitting hideous plus you get splinters in your bum
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Mellisa, that “splinters in your bum” made me spit my coffee.
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This whole post is utterly depressing and completely awful, viewed from any perspective. Just yuck. Makes me want to go and have a shower. Deception is hideous under any guise or justification.
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Having been both sides of the fence, I can honestly say that its an incredibly lonely life. In my first marriage I was very happy for 13 years and then met someone… it wasn’t planned it wasn’t right but it made me realize that I needed more than what I had. Of course the affair lasted six weeks and ended it heartache. But I don’t regret it for a moment. I regret the pain I caused, I am sad for the trust in people I lost.
But 7 years later I have remarried been completely faithful and never take a day of happiness for granted.
Most people assume that an affair is two people being selfish and wanting sex. People whether they are married or single need to feel loved need to feel appreciated and crushing consuming loneliness can cloud your judgement, its not right but its life.
We are people and we make mistakes, When I had my affair I didn’t need people telling me I was wrong or a bad person, I needed a friend ….. and luckily I had one … I really hope that the people who are judging here are never in the position where they have to ask for understanding … good luck and enjoy your loves …. for they can be fleeting xx
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thanks for your perspective. sometimes i feel so lonely in my marriage. like i am living with a flatmate i don’t even get on with very well. truth be told there hasn’t been an affair because i don’t really meet many blokes. i am in a fairly solitary role that tends to see mostly women. i think if i met someone who showed a big interest in me, and genuinely seemed to like me i would probably go for it. certainly not immediately into a sexual relationship but i would pursue a friendship at least.
wow. i just depressed myself writing that. i hadn’t really thought about that before. god help me if/when i start meeting lots of men via work or community interests!
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I unfortunately know the ‘flatmate’ deal so very well.
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I was in your exact position. I had been with my partner for 15 years and have 2 girls. I even thought the same way as you and was terribly lonely. One day I figured….how much does it have to hurt for me to get it……so with everything I had to lose….I left. Best thing I ever did. I have only been by myself with my girls for 7 months and had one fling (which actually left me a bit damaged and realising I actually craved to begin a relationship….with myself). Everyday I feel stronger and more emotionally healthy than I’ve ever felt. All around me I have married friends that are having affairs…..and single friends that are sleeping with as many people as they can. I’m very proud of myself for my decision, acting in the highest of my integrity and my children are the happiest they have ever been because I am the happiest. You can have a lot to lose but so much more to gain x
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Thank you for writing this. I too have found myself in this position. I didn’t want it, I didn’t plan it but it happened. I felt bad, guilty, selfish etc but I can’t change what has happened. I can only try to do my best to amke sure it doesn’t happen again. Your comment “crushing consuming loneliness can cloud your judgement” is so very true. That is exactly how I felt and still do a lot of the time. It was not just simply about the physical aspect. It is not always that simple.
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ITT people give other people permission to cheat.
Why don’t you leave your marriages before you try to become intimate with someone else if you are so lonely?
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Maybe they were concerned about the impact that leaving would have on their children (remember them – they didn’t ask to be part of this marriage). I know everyone assumes that if they walk their kids will be so much happier but, frankly, I doubt it.
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So I have a ‘friend’ (she used to be my best friend for 20 years) who was/is a serial adulter.. had a great husband (outside perspective I know) 4 kids… + 2 boyfriends at the same time (part of a long, long list of conquests) – both married, one was a dad at her kids school, the other a senior public servant from interstate. She had sex with local boyfriend in a car during the day whilst having phone sex with boyfriend at the same time. Boyfriend number 1 turned in to a stalker psycho. She had wedding invitations in her garage in prepartion to marry boyfriend number 2 – who just happened to be still married to a clueless wife and with children. She even rang me one day all excited that she had found the perfect wedding dress and asked if she should buy it…. Uumm… you are both freakin MARRIED and he hasn’t asked you?????
His wife found evidence of the affair – confronted him and then her, threw him out and he then left my friend ‘heartbroken’ because it was too hard and he found someone else to soothe his broken heart .. gee had success written all over it right? His ex-wife solicited my friend to be a co-hort in her divorce proceedings… waaaaayy too messy.
So how does my friend deal with this???… goes to on-line dating looking for a legitmate, available man… oh, and she is still married herself (and sharing a bed) with her gorgeous husband who knows about almost all of it but they are trying to sort out a financial arrangement so he has enough money to move out.
So she meets the man of her dreams, older, financially secure, beachside penthouse, Porsche etc… starts seeing him (new man) and still sleeping with her soon-to-be Ex husband each night trying to get him out of the house as he is impeding her progress with the new relationship. Eventually the soon-to-be Ex moves to a small one bedroom apartment but she has him return to the house like a pseudo nanny to look after the kids while she goes away for business…
Then the Wedding is planned quite quickly. She then unfriends one of her best girlfriends from high school… well she has the new husband-to-be actually do it for her – because she has previously had a short relationship with the best friends husband (still with me?) which the best friend was totally unaware of. It was positioned as you aren’t a nice person therefore we don’t want to have anymore contact with you or our kids.. Too close for comfort for the new hubby it seems but TOTALLY devestating for the now ex-friend who we have tried to protect from the real truth so she doesn’t lose her husband, family and home for a small and regretted indescretion on his part. Hhmmm… who do you trust in this equation, certainly not the serial adulterer.
After years of being a good friend and trying not to be judgemental, it has left a sour taste in my mouth and I am amazed at how oblivious she is of the havoc to everyone elses lives… as long as she is happy. Well on the surface anyway. I give the new marriage 5 years tops – the new hubby knight-in-shining-porsche lost his high paying job (and is deemed too old to be employable, particuarly in this economy) and had to sell the penthouse… think it is all a bit tranished now. And I feel like I am a shitty friend for no longer wanting to be her friend..
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Oh, and a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots so I reckon that she will defintiely do it again despite her new found ‘happiness’
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Two words: personality disorder. You don’t owe her loyalty that she doesn’t return. If you had a husband she wanted she’d go after him without a second thought.
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Cheating on YOURSELF (by cheating on your partner), is one of the most rocky roads one can choose. Lots of broken people… When we’re unhappy, it’s tempting to try and ‘fix’ that unhappiness with someone else, an external ‘remedy’, rather tham facing unhappiness and the reasons for it head on.
Are you willing to break that personal code of honour you have with YOURSELF and compromise the truth of you? No thrill is worth the solid unmoveable peace & calm I feel in the moments when it’s just me. You can lie seemingly successfully to everyone else, but lying to yourself will destroy your soul. Why risk that?
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These women need to grow up and face the fact they are selfish, irresponsible and so flawed it is ridiculous. Grow up!!! Judgemental – you bet! Right – 100%
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Well, I guess when you’re unhappily married an affair satisfies the desires but without the mess and cost of a divorce, property settlement and fight over custody…
This article honestly leaves me feeling like shit, though. Never cheated, not intending to, but wondering if I’ll end up being the duped partner in years to come. Hard to imagine at the moment being so strongly in love, but I guess if that feeling fades…who knows how things will end up?
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I feel like crap reading this too. It’s not helping with my intimacy issues. Why get close to someone when this could happen?
I’ve broken up with girl’s before rather than cheat on them. I don’t understand why others don’t do the same.
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all i can say for this one is….in my experience..when you find out you have been cheated on…and you had no idea….its like having your heart ripped out of your chest. everything you thought you knew…your relationship…your partner….your life together….. is torn apart. you feel like nothing, like you are so unimportant that they couldnt even be arsed to break up with you so u had a chance to meet the right person.
i cannot imagine going through that and having children aswell
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Can I second this by saying it is even worse when you find out WAY after the fact. One- don’t cheat on someone, two- if you do, have the decency to tell them and let THEM make the decision on whether they want to forgive you. Even if you regret it, it was a mistake, what happens next is not your decision.
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From the perspective of a single woman… If I were in a relationship, I’d be very suspicious that my partner was cheating. Men, even wonderful, wonderful men, are cheating on their partners. It’s very easy.
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I think this article proves that women are cheating too….
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Wow, these suburbs are indeed full of action! As a single person (never been married) it’s hard to know exactly how I would feel in this situation, but I think/hope I wouldn’t go there even if tempted. And I also think I would be crushed if I found out my husband was cheating.
Obviously the stories in article sounds a bit like the basis for a chick-flick movie or TV series and I can imagine I would really enjoy the first few episodes but the notion of juggling the lies sounds exhausting.
Still I confess to feeling slightly envious…. All these offers going to married women – what’s a single girl to do?? If only work wasn’t so busy I might start hanging around on the look out for dads doing the after school pick up.
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I am a male and having intimacy issues with my wife. For us I think the lack of intimacy has come with running our own business, having financial issues and raising two beautiful boys under 10. We’re both exhausted and intimacy and time away together that she feels that there is no way out. So much time has passed that I can understand how she feels. She is a natural flirt and is very outgoing however this sometimes brings normally unwanted attention from other guys. I recently found out my wife had been having an affair which she says was not physical but I don’t believe her. The trust has been broken and I am finding it really hard to forgive her however I am not going to upset my kids at any cost by leaving and disrupting the family unit because of what my wife has done. If our sons found out what she has done it would cut them to the core and I won’t put them through that at any cost.
Perhaps I’m a bit too old school but I really believe that if the going gets tough in a marriage then both should work hard at and do what whatever is necessary to keep the family unit together. By having an affair in the manner described in this article makes me think that they are placing their needs ahead of the family and avoiding a resolution of the issue for preference of personal satisfaction. Whatever happend to ‘for better of for worse’?
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best of luck indigo, I hope she is as committed as you to making it work.
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If you can’t resolve your issues then be prepared to walk before things get messy.
Also, lots of respect for doing this for your kids. I can’t say I would have had the strength to do the same.
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All the best of luck to you Indigo and wish you success in trying to salvage your marriage for your family.
I went through the same thing two years ago when I had only been married for a year (had been with my husband for 5 years at the time) we had a 2 year old son. I discovered his infidelity from his phone bill which he asked me to pay and it was waaaay more expensive than normal.
He had been having an affair with a woman from his work who was also the wife of an acquaintance (who was mates with some of his best friends).
The whole sordid mess left me a wreck; no trust; lashing out; furious, sick and so scared for my little boy’s future. I asked him to leave and he did for one month; he begged me to go to counselling with him and we went through months of counselling and he had to follow a strict list of things to get our family back on track.
Looking back on it now it still makes me feel sick but I’m glad that we worked on our marriage and worked to heal the rift. We now have another little baby. Needless to say he no longer works at his old work anymore and has moved on to a job that he’s much happier with; it was some sort of mid life crisis. I hope you and your wife can work through this x
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If he did it once, he’ll do it again. The fact that you have TWO kids togehter probably makes him feel even more unattracted to your body. Sorry, but how can you do this to yourself? Resoect yourself enough to leave.. don’t hide behind the kids.. you don’t want to leave because you don’t want to be alone.
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Check out the Ashley Madison website to see how common this is. I think MM did a post on it some time ago.
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What an evil web we weave , when we deceive
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It’s not evil. Sad and misguided, sure, but not evil. The actual quote is “tangled”, which is more apt.
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“oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”. My thoughts exactly.
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I don’t think this would be possible where I live in a small town. If you sneeze on one end of the main street there’s someone with a tissue waiting at the other end.
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don’t be so sure, I grew up in a town with a population less than 10 000 and hearing about affairs going on because kids at school were going through divorces. One couple had a affair that broke up their marriages, and the spurned husband and wife ended up together. Another woman fell in love with a woman she worked with and as far as I know they are still together, it broke up her marriage though and they had to live as ‘flatmates’ – I’m not sure her daughter even realised back then. I also know of one child who was a spitting image of the ‘lover’ and not the husband.
In small towns it’s so much easier to be caught and yet it still happens.
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That was what I meant; the women in the story had thus far not been caught out. In my small town (population less than 3000), as soon as someone dropped their trousers I reckon the whole town would know.
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I’m with the other people here who say that reading this really does make me feel sick. If you’re unhappy in you’re marriage then GET OUT?! I will never understand why anyone would think that involving a ‘third party’ will fix or resolve anything? It makes things a whole lot more complicated/damaging and worse for everyone involved…if you ‘apparently’ commit to your marriage vows and they mean so little that as soon as the relationship becomes a bit difficult you just look for someone else to fill ‘the void’ then you obviously had bigger problems to begin with..I know that I would never cheat on my husband and I expect the same. He knows that I wouldn’t give him no chance after something like that. We have said that I’d tell him and vice versa if we ever had any strong feelings for someone else, I know this is a situation that people would absolutely want to avoid BUT prevention is better than cure…if you want your relationship to work then its better to be honest, give your partner a reason to trust you. I’ve been through heartbreak with my husband, not infidielity but it has been a betrayal that I felt strongly…I saw in one of the comments of a wife who cheated and then regretted it and spent years trying to repair the damage and the things she said of her husband were like me…not wearing our wedding ring/no being able to say ‘I love you’ etc. I have done those same things and it comes from a place of extreme hurt, it takes sooooo long to rebuild trust…don’t do it, it’s not worth it. Ever.
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This reminds me of a conversation with a past co-worker a few years back. There was a married woman who was trying to start a relationship with him. He would confide in me and I remember asking him why does she want a relationship with him but hasn’t broken off her marriage with her husband. He said to me she wasn’t happy and she didn’t want to hurt her husband. Then he said something that stuck with me to this very day. He said “she thinks the grass is greener onthe other side when, in fact, most of the time it’s not.” last I heard she broke up with her husband and never had a relationship with my co-worker.
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Its made me think of all the dads at school drop off now, lol. Hmmmm, which one would I cheat with??? Oh there is quite a few come to think of it but would I? Never!
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To me the first paragraph or so of this article seems to be trying to ‘glamorize’ infidelity. Whilst infidelity does happen and the reasons can be numerous I don’t think it’s responsible to try to make it seem ‘çool’ the way the beginning of this article is trying to.
At the end of the day it’s the children of a relationship (if children are involved) that suffer as a result of divorce and separation. I have been there as one of those children. It is not a subject that should ever be taken lightly.
Personally I think this article is irresponsible.
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I don’t think it’s making it sound cool, I think it just offers a perspective from these women’s point of view. Because you read an article on something doesn’t mean we’re all going to start doing it, it’s just a point of view.
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Can you imagine how the same article written by a man about men cheating would be received on this website?
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I am too scared to document my infidelities after reading the comments. I don’t think about cheating I think about having time out and having fun. I love my husband dearly. I also love the thrill, the excitement and the passion that comes with discovering someone new. The trick is not to fall in love – that’s when things get complicated. Also stay clear of people in your social circle or who are connected in some way to your family.
I am bracing myself for the abuse and judgement that is coming my way. I note that there are few women commenting who can actually relate to this post and that those who can have been judged harshly.
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This is interesting, do you feel guilty when your doing it?
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Hi Lilly Lou,
Thanks for sharing your view. No judgement on my part, but I’m really curious about your experience. Do you think your husband has any idea? And can I ask out of genuine interest, not judgement, how you’d feel if he cheated? I think many women also cheat too. I haven’t in my current relationship but he works long hours and sometimes I’d almost like to have someone I could cheat with to take my mind of things etc.
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I’m not judging either, I am more than happily married, but there is a curiosity that exists. I think we’re all being dishonest with ourselves if we didn’t think there was a curiosity for this.
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At times I feel bad or guilty but mostly I feel grateful to enjoy both a stable family and a fling. I don’t think my husband cheats but I don’t think it would bother me if he did. Our love for each other is deep seeded and well defined. The rest is just fun and an escape from the dredge of daily life. I guess I am trying to have the best of both worlds. Long may it last!
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I wonder if these women think that their husbands are faithful. If you have to have an affair with two other men to be sexually and emotionally satisfied, I can bet their husbands are doing the same damn thing.
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Victim blaming huh? Nice shift of responsibility there so the women don’t have to feel guilty.
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I think you misunderstood my post.
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This post just makes me sad.
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Sloots gona sloot, women logic.
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Im 43 and have been with my partner for twelve years and have a young child. We try to have the spark like when we first met but sex usually feels like we are just going through the motions. I think about having sex with other people and my partner spends his spare time watching porn with twentysomething year olds which can make life pretty depressing but we both feel committed to one another and want to make it work for our childs sake, What to do im not sure , is the grass always greener.
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The grass is greener because it’s often fertilized with bullshit.
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There is a void in their relationship,& the woman in this story have gone else where to have her needs met. You only live once and life is short . Good luck to them, they deserve to be ‘ fulfilled ‘ …no pun intended…LOL
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Life is too short – so bugger the people in your life, do what you want and hurt those you claim to love? Life is too short – but that doesn’t give them the right to treat other people like shit with such reckless disregard. I think you can enjoy life and be happy, just not at other people’s expense – especially your own children!
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It’s too easy to judge other people.
My partner and I have cheated on each other, without either of us knowing about it at the time. And guess what: We dealt with it. The whole experience has taken our relationship to a higher level than either of us have experienced before – i.e. neither of us have experienced intimacy properly before. We’re closer together than we’ve ever been to anyone else before, we have a new respect for each other. And our sex life is *much* better.
Mind your bloody business people, or just keep judging – your minds will remain forever closed.
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Cheating is just plain wrong. I have never cheated and would never consider cheating no matter how bad my relationship was. If my relationship was bad I would do the decent thing and either try to fix it or leave it. And if neither of those were possible, I still wouldn’t cheat. I made a commitment that I will stick to (no matter if it ends in divorce or ‘death do us part’). If these women get found out, their children will suffer the consequences through the terrible scandal that will run through their kid’s school – they might not care about their spouse but do they care about their kids? Their kids will never forgive them – and all because they felt like a bit of fun and excitement – how utterly selfish and greedy! Thesy need to get their act together before they ruin their relationship with their kids and ruin their own lives – once they are found out, I bet they will regret what they did for the rest of their lives. But how awful for their kids to suffer for something they never did!
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Your judgmental attitude will help no one…not the women or their families
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I think these are perfectly good points, not so much judgmental, more thinking of the consequences of these actions. Which is what any responsible adult who cares would do.
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It is not my so-called judgemental attitude they will affect anyone. I don’t agree with cheating, but in relationships where there are no children, then the people involved are hurting themselves and their partner. But when children are involved, that is a whole different story. If you think I’m judgemental, how do you think the other mothers at their kid’s schools will react when they find out? Do you think the kids of these women will still be invited to parties, playdates or join a sporting team? Other mothers will shun them and distance themselves and their kids from those women and their children – that is the very real and sad reality of this situation. My concern is for the children – they are so innocent in this situation and most certainly don’t deserve the repercussions of their mother’s actions. Life can be hard for kids, let alone having to deal with all of that. Adults need to act responsibly and maturely – and take control of their actions if it is going to hurt others. I am always trying to teach my kids that they should do things that make them happy, but not if it is at the expense of other people’s feelings. Why is it judgemental to say that these women should perhaps look at the consequences of their actions and perhaps choose a less hurtful way to achieve their own pleasure/happiness – isn’t that how everyone should act?
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Here here Annon 1 from Annon 3!
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Oh dear, what potential train wrecks! Ladies (and men). What you do privately is your business, but just spare a thought of what might happen shoul you get caught. Divorce? Your children finding out about your duplicity? Your children having to deal with a potentially catastrophic situation between parents because of bitterness and bad feeling? Ouch! If you are that unhappy with your spouse then leave. You are not doing anyone any favors by staying. The potential consequences of this behavior are frightening.
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Good for you Ladybug! I am the child of parents who had irresponsible affairs throughout their marriage(s). It damaged us as kids and, as I was saying to my husband last night, when explaining why I would not be attending my mother’s funeral interstate tomorrow, the resulting bitterness lingers for life. Think of your kids before you go all “teenage girl”.
Sex and the City is a TV show, it is not real life. (someone should put this on a T shirt)
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I just keep thinking that if all it took was one, just one SMS to her husband, then maybe she should stop blaming him and have a hard look at herself.
Find this incredibly sad to read. I hate to think cheating is this rife. That people don’t care about their partners or children enough to work on their marriages, but instead take the easy option.
Wonder if the chick with several men, the coach and kids friend Dad will think it was worth it went the secret gets revealed and she finds herself having to deal with the fallout that will affect her kid as well as her husband and her own friendships- how many of her friends will ever trust her again?
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I found that weak too. She reignited her marriage through a single text and then had to backpeddle and re-distance her husband so she wouldn’t feel as guilty for cheating on him.
She didn’t want her marriage fixed. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too.
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Always best to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before judging. I know plenty of ‘good’ people both male and female who have had extra marital affairs. It happens. More than anyone really knows, and for lots of different reasons.
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Agree, however to be conducting yourself in this way with school dads and sports coaches just opens the door for so much to go wrong, and it will be the kids who suffer. If you want an affair keep it discreet with someone totally separate from your day to day family life!
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I can’t judge because, well, it’s not my place but this makes me so sad. I’m a SAHM and could never imagine doing this to my Husband. When he goes to work I miss him more than anything and can’t wait for him to get home. I can’t ever imagine not feeling that way.
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