This post originally appeared on Role/Reboot, and is republished here with full permission.
I know many people would look at me and feel disgust or sadness if they knew my secrets, and perhaps they should. I feel these things toward myself often.
My marriage has never been perfect, on either end, but my husband believes me to be faithful for the better part of the last eight years. I lie to him, or rather, omit the truth. I have cheated on him with five people in the past two years, and more before that.
I seek them out. Sometimes online, sometimes I meet them casually at a bar. I have been blessed (or cursed) with good looks, charm, humour, and a vulnerability that draws men to me. I know this, and I use it to get my fix. I know exactly what I need to do to get a specific man in bed with me. If I’m at a bar, I even know what kind of drink I should order to pique his interest. It’s a science to me, and I have my PhD.
I’m not a sex addict, I’m not looking for love (my husband gives me both regularly). For me, it’s a form of self-medicating a traumatic childhood. Yet it does not work, as it only leaves me feeling angry, empty, and filled with more self-loathing.
My upbringing was inconsistent, and horrifically verbally and physically abusive, in particular from my father. So, yeah, I have daddy issues. Seriously fucking huge daddy issues. I have struggled with bipolar disorder for years, which I believe was triggered by both genetics and childhood trauma.
Top Comments
What about when the cheater repeatedly cheats on their spouse over many years, not only with random men, but also continually with a COUSIN?!
That is sick. Cheating on its own is bad enough, but with a family member?
I think the serial cheaters do it for self-gratification and they seem to be the type of people who need approval/acknowledgement for every little thing they do, the way the look and seem to be exhibitionists. They are certainly not clever people because they will always get caught. It is simply a matter of time.
I too am a serial cheater and am not proud of it. But i cant stop it, i've cheated in every single relationship ive ever been in. Im currently with someone, and I love him like ive never loved before, i want to marry him, have babies and grow old. But all of my feelings dont stop me from my actions.
I did not have a troubled childhood, didnt have the best relationship with my father but thats not what it is. I feel like in your case this problem only has 10% to do with your childhood.
You need help, I need help. But I dont think we will ever truly want that help.